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Ray Palmer stopped looking at his tally marks after Anna died. He couldn’t look at that little black line, reminding him of what he’d lost. Anna was the love of his life, soulmates be damned. She was gone now, and nothing was going to bring her back, and no one could replace her. He was grateful he couldn’t really see his marks, unless he was looking for them. Located at the side of his hip, he could ignore them, pretend they never existed.
When Felicity came into the picture, Ray had hoped that she was the one. She was brilliant, and clever, and strong willed. She was beautiful and for once, after Anna, he thought he could truly be happy.
He saw her white tally mark, and in a moment of weakness, took a look at his own. Nothing. A red mark lay there instead, right next the black one. The sound of his heart breaking was like thunder, and the pain struck him like lightening.
Kendra was a different story. He knew that was going to end in heartbreak. How do you compete with a four thousand year love? Soulmates across time. Still, he falls in love. Two years stranded, building a life together, maybe, just maybe , he could have this. He was going to propose. They could be happy together. Then they were rescued, and Kendra couldn’t board the ship fast enough. Carter comes back, and it’s all over. Ray knew that, and it still hurt, like being ripped in two.
Ray Palmer hasn’t looked at his marks since, and he decides he never will.
-
“I don’t think we’ve had a chance to be properly introduced. Nate Heywood, Time Detective,” Nate says, extending a hand. He and Ray are on the bridge together, Mick at the controls.
“Time Detective?” Ray asks, smiling as he shakes Nate’s hand. It’s warm and soft, and when Nate smiles back, he feels his stomach flip.
“It sounds cooler than just a plain old historian,” Nate shrugs.
“Sounds like a comic book character,” Ray comments. “Or like you belong on Doctor Who.”
Nate grins, and it’s bright and sunny, and Ray can feel his heart picking up pace.
“It’s nice to actually see your face,” Nate says. “Not that you weren’t rocking the caveman look, but this,” Nate motion to, well, all of Ray, “this is much better.” He winks, actually winks.
Ray’s face heats up, and he smiles shyly and Nate.
He’s in trouble.
-
Were you two close?
No, but we could’ve been , he wants to say.
“No, not really, but if it wasn’t for him I’d still be stuck in the Cretaceous period, being chased by a T-Rex,” he says instead.
He swallows around the lump in his throat. He feels helpless, once again, unable to save the life of someone he cares about. Cares about . He hasn’t know Nate for long, but he does care about him. Maybe it was the blatant flirting on the bridge, moments after being rescued, the sunny grin that was thrown his way. Maybe it was Ray’s ability to latch onto anyone who would give him the time of day.
Maybe he just wanted to believe he could love again.
The realization hits him. The serum . It’s the only option, and the choice is easy. He rushes to the Med Bay, antidote in hand, and his heart in his throat. This is his chance. He doesn’t have to feel helpless.
Nate saved his life, now it’s his chance to save Nate’s.
He makes it to the Med Bay, greeted with a sight that makes his stomach churn. Nate’s battered, his vitals dropping, he’s dying , and Ray will not let that happen. He only hopes the serum works, saves Nate, and doesn’t turn him into a monster.
Ray holds his breath as they wait.
“His vitals are improving.” Stein’s words wash over Ray, and he releases the breath, relief flooding his body.
He’s going to make it.
-
I am so sorry
“ Ray?” Nate’s voice comes from the library door.
Ray had shut himself in the library, helping with research, tracking down time aberrations, doing anything he could to make himself useful. Without his suit, he had nothing. No powers, no tech, no way Sara was going to let him come along on missions. She was graceful about it, telling Ray it was important for him to stay on the ship, in case they needed an extraction or backup from the Waverider. He accepted it. What else was he supposed to do?
Ray looks up from the book he’s been staring at. Not reading. He can’t process much at the moment, too busy thinking, and over thinking.
“Hey,” Ray says, plastering on a smile.
“How you holding up?” Nate walks into the library and closes the door behind him.
“I’m fine,” Ray replies. Nate hums and comes to lean against the desk.
“You’ve been in here for a while now,” Nate says, arms crossed over his chest. “I heard you like to lock yourself away sometimes.”
Ray doesn’t respond, just looks back down at his book.
“I’m sorry, Ray,” Nate says. “I know the suit -”
“Nate, it’s okay, I told you -”
“I know, but let me finish. I know the suit is everything to you, and I know you think you’re nothing without it, like you have nothing to offer” Nate leans forward on the desk, “but that’s not true. You belong on the team.”
Ray looks up at Nate, who is looking back with kind eyes.
“You’re still a hero, Ray,” Nate says with a lopsided smile. “You’re definitely my hero.”
Ray blinks at him, unable to find the proper response.
Thank you?
I’m not a hero?
I don’t know if really have a place here anymore?
“I’m your hero?” Ray says, almost scoffs.
“You saved my life,” Nate says, perching himself on the desk. “You gave up these powers. Ray,” Nate places his hand on top of Ray’s, “because of you, I’m not afraid anymore.”
Ray stares at Nate’s hand on his own, and then up at Nate, who just smiles softly. He rubs his thumb over the back of Ray’s hand, gentle and soothing.
“You ready to stop hiding out here?” Nate asks. Ray is about to protest. “Nope, come on, you need some outside interaction - and don’t tell me you’re doing research, I bet you’ve been staring at the same page for the last thirty minutes.”
He hops off the desk and extends his hand to Ray, wiggling his fingers. Ray eyes it for a second, but grabs it. Nate laces their fingers together, and Ray can feel the tips of his ears heat up.
“Is this okay?” Nate asks.
“Y-Yeah, this is fine,” Ray stutters.
“Good,” Nate says, pulling Ray out of the library.
-
Once again, Nate is in the Med Bay, bleeding from the stomach this time. Ray rushes in, carrying Nate, with Sara following close behind.
“Gideon, prepare to run diagnostics,” Ray says, slipping a cuff on Nate’s wrist.
“What’s to run? I’ve been shot!” Nate groans, clutching his side.
“The bullet has lodged itself between several of Dr. Heywood’s internal organs,” Gideon says.
“How’s that possible?” Ray asks, trying to keep the panic out of his voice. “He’s made of steel.”
“Because it wasn’t a normal bullet,” Sara says. “It was Dwarf Star.”
“I estimate his chance of survival at fifty one percent,” GIdeon chimes in.
“Would it kill you to say better than average, Gideon?” Nate gasps, writhing form the pain.
Sara storms out of the Med Bay, leaving Ray with Nate.
“You’re gonna be okay,” Ray says, his hand automatically finding Nate’s. “You’re Steel, remember?”
Nate smiles at Ray before he passes out, succumbing to the sedative Gideon administers him.
He wakes up, with only a slight headache, a sore side, and any sign of the bullet wound non existent
“Some superhero,” Nate mumbles. “Maybe I am better suited for the library.”
“Hey, you couldn’t have know those bullets were laced with Dwarf Star, or that you were even vulnerable to it,” Ray says. He tries to give Nate a supportive smile, but it feels more worried than anything.
Nate sighs, tells Ray about how afraid he was, before all of this, before the Legends, before Steel. How, once he got these powers, he didn’t have to be afraid anymore. But all that seemed to slip away, reality hitting Nate like a bag of bricks. Ray moves closer, and runs his fingers through Nate’s hair.
“When we were fighting the Shogun, without my suit, I was afraid,” Ray says.
“You hid it well,” Nate says.
“That’s because I realized that weakness, or not being invulnerable, is what makes me a hero,” Ray says, his words lifting a weight off of his shoulders. Saying them out loud almost feels like freedom. “There’s no bravery without fear.”
Nate just gazes at the man above him, blown away by his unwavering optimism. His ability to take a bad situation, and spin it so he still comes out on top. The man who opened up, yelled , at Nate in the field, full of fear and doubt, and the man who stands before Nate now, speaking of conquering fear, are the same, melded together to create someone who simply cannot be stopped.
Nate is in awe, completely enamoured by Ray, and that’s what pushes him to make his next decision.
“Come here,” he says, and Ray complies, knowing exactly where this is going.
Ray leans in, pressing his lips to Nate’s, Nate’s hand coming up to cup Ray’s jaw. Ray is hesitant at first, but Nate presses forward giving Ray all the permission he needs. Ray relaxes into the kiss, and Nate opens up, letting Ray explore. Tongues mingle and then Ray is sucking on Nate’s bottom lip, nipping gently. It’s slow and gentle, until -
“Oh, come on, you two,” Jax says, sounding more exasperated than surprised.
Ray pulls back, putting a fair amount of distance between Nate and himself. He looks at Jax with wide eyes, as does Nate.
Jax just rolls his eyes. “You guys can finish this later, Sara wants you in the bridge.” And he’s gone without another word.
Ray is blushing furiously, and Nate chuckles. Ray looks at him, tries to glare, but it turns into pouting. Nate slowly gets up from the Chair, Ray reaching out to steady him. Nate stumbles slightly, right into Ray’s very firm chest, hands and arms pressed against his pecs. Nate can’t help pressing another kiss to Ray’s lips.
Ray moves his hand to the back of Nate’s neck, as his arm slides around Nate’s waist. This time, the kiss is short and sweet.
“I’ve wanted to do that for a while now,” Nate says after pulling away.
“You have?” Ray asks, genuinely surprised.
“Yeah, since that moment on the bridge, after we rescued you,” Nate says.
Ray is caught off guard. Nate’s been wanting this , with Ray , as soon as they met?
“We should get going before Sara comes in here and drags us out herself,” Nate says, snapping Ray from his thoughts.
Ray just nods, and they make their way to the bridge.
-
“You could’ve died,” Ray says against Nate’s lips.
Immediately after Nate’s heroic display, stopping a train full of what could’ve blown him to oblivion, Ray pulled him back to the Waverider.
“I didn’t though,” Nate replies, attaching his mouth to Ray’s.
They’re in Ray’s quarters, Ray has Nate pressed against the closed door, kissing him like his life depended on it. Like Nate almost could’ve die .
It’s all roaming hands, exploring tongues, and suddenly Ray’s hands fly to Nate’s belt.
“Woah - woah - wait,” Nate says, “I mean, we just had our first kiss.”
Ray stops abruptly. “I - Yeah, you’re right, I’m sorry.” He begins to move away, but Nate grabs hold of him.
“Hey, no, I didn’t say I don’t want to do this right now,” Nate says. “I just want to make sure we’re on the same page.”
Ray eyes Nate, but relaxes to his touch.
“I don’t want this to be a casual thing, Ray,” Nate says, gripping Ray’s biceps. Ray just blinks at him. “I want to be with you.”
Ray’s breath catches in his throat. The way Nate is looking at him, like Ray is pure sunshine and everything good in the world, makes Ray’s heart skip a beat, bubbles rise in his chest, and warmth spread throughout his entire body.
Nate leans forward, pressing a gentle kiss to Ray’s lips. Ray presses forward, sighing as Nate slips his hand up the back of Ray’s neck and into his hair.
“I want to be with you, too,” Ray says, placing kisses down Nate’s jaw, to his neck.
“I’m glad we’re on the same page,” Nate says, chuckling, fingers massaging Ray’s scalp. “So, do we want to move this to the bed, or…”
Ray tugs Nate towards his bed, sitting himself down, pulling Nate between his legs. Nate takes the lead, and pushes Ray back, climbing on top of him.
“We should probably get out of these costumes,” Ray chuckles.
“Oh, yeah, maybe,” Nate says, sitting back on his heels.
He begins pulling off his vest and unbuttoning his shirt, Ray doing the same. Nate throws his vest to the floor, and slips out of his shirt. Ray takes a moment to enjoy the sight of Nate’s defined chest, his taught stomach, but his eyes land on Nate’s collar bone, and everything stops.
There, on his skin, are Nate’s tally marks. A couple of red lines, and then a white one. Ray feels his heart stop, tunnel vision setting in, and he reaches up, only to snatch his hand back as if he’s been burned.
Nate notices the panicked look on Ray’s face, how pale he’s gotten.
“Hey, Ray,” Nate says, softly. “Hey, what’s wrong.” Nate moves to touch Ray’s thigh, but Ray jerks back.
“You have a soulmate,” he says, voice shaking.
Nate looks down in the direction of his marks, and then back at Ray.
“Who is it?” Ray asks.
Nate just stares at Ray for a moment, before his face softens, a small smile on his face.
“It’s you ,” Nate says, extending his hand to rest it on Ray’s knee. Ray just shakes his head. “Hey, no, Ray what’s going on. Talk to me.”
Ray scrambles off the bed, pushing Nate off of him, and rushes to his bathroom. He pushes at the waist of his pants, to reveal the marks on his hip. He lifts a hand to cover his mouth.
The very last mark on his hip is a single white line.
“You didn’t know?” Nate asks from the bathroom door.
Ray spins around, hand still over his mouth, and shakes his head, eyes trained on Nate’s marks.
Nate walks up to Ray, slowly, and once he’s close enough he grabs the hand Ray has over his own mouth.
“I never - I haven’t -” Ray chokes out. “Nate, I -” Ray can’t bring himself to finish his sentence.
Nate just lace their fingers together, and pulls ray closer, bringing his other hand to rest on Ray’s his, his thumb brushing the marks there. The action is so soothing, so intimate, Ray takes a deep breath, trying to find his voice.
“I haven’t looked at these marks in so long,” Ray breathes out. Nate’s thumb is still rubbing Ray’s hips.
“Why not?” Nate asks.
“Too painful,” Ray says, with a shake of his head. “Every time I fall in love, I end up getting hurt. God, I sound so pathetic.” Ray feels his eyes well, his voice crack, and his legs wobble.
“Shh,” Nate soothes, closing what’s let of the gap between them.
He brings his hand to the back Ray’s neck, pulling him down so Ray can resy his head on Nate’s. Ray buries his face in Nate’s neck instead, so Nate slips his arm around Ray’s waist, holding him.
“Why don’t we head back to bed?” Nate asks, gently. “Not to do anything, just so we can talk, hmm?” Ray nods against Nate’s neck and Nate leads them back out into the bedroom.
They position themselves back onto the mattress, Nate on his back, pulling Ray half on top of him. Ray rests his head on Nate’s chest, slings his arm over his middle, and clings. Nate holds him, his hand in Ray’s hair, and the other on the arm across his stomach.
“How long have you known?” Ray whispers.
“Since Paris, at the club with the JSA,” Nate replies.
Ray cranes his neck to look up at him.
“How did you know it was me?” Ray asks. “It could’ve been anyone on the ship.”
“No one else has a white stripe, well, Stein does, but he’s married and… no.” Nate lets out a chuckle. “And I saw yours when we were in the fabrication room,” Nate says, smirking. “You really have no issue with getting naked in front of people, huh?”
Ray blushes and buries his face in Nate’s chest.
“I could’ve had a soulmate already,” Ray mumbles.
“Do you?” Nate asks. Ray shakes his head, no. “Why are you trying to find a way out of this?” There’s a gentle teasing tone to his voice.
“I’m not, I just need to process this,” Ray says.
“Would it help if I told you I have been waiting my whole life to meet you?” Nate says with a cheeky smile.
Ray snorts, feeling a weight lift from his chest. He feels light and almost giddy, and Nate is smiling that crinkly smile at him. Without warning, he surges up and kisses Nate, strong and with purpose, and climbs on top of him, straddling Nate’s legs.
They kiss for what seems like forever, too tired to do much else. But this is good. This is perfect . With Nate underneath him, solid and real . Ray can rest easy, feeling wanted and loved.
Ray looks at his marks every day after that.