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Sonny Carisi knew he was Catholic before he knew how to count. He attended Mass before he knew how to talk. He’s also fairly sure his first sentence was “ Glory Be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit. ” He very quickly learned what and who the Church viewed to be sinners and saints. Even if the saints were more of sinners, no one mentioned it and everyone went on their merry way. Sonny knew he would do anything to serve the Church right and never stray from their teachings.
Sonny loved being Catholic, he loved going to Mass on Sundays and youth group on Wednesdays. He loved that his whole family went to the same church and he got to see them so often. He said grace at every meal and said his rosary almost everyday. He wanted to be a priest when he was little, for god's sake. He was proud of his religion. Sonny learned later, heartbroken, that his religion was not proud of him.
Sonny was 12 when he realised he thought about boys the same way he thought about girls. He thinks he probably knew before then, but would never admit it. He knew for sure when he developed a crush on the boy he sat next to in math class. His name was Daniel Brandt, they sat together at the two person table, their names close to each other in the alphabet.
Daniel was a quiet kid, or he was, until you got close to him, or got him alone. Sonny could never decide if he liked the quiet Daniel or the loud one more. The quiet one made Sonny want hug him and protect him. The loud one made Sonny want to kiss mouth shut. Sonny didn't know that for a while.
Sonny struggled with the concept of letters in math at first, Daniel helped him out. Sonny helped Daniel study his times tables before those god forsaken minute relays. Every time Daniel got a 90%, he would high five Sonny. Once, Daniel got a 100% and he pulled Sonny by his shoulder into a side hug. Sonny smiled and wrapped his arm around Daniel’s waist.
“Congratulations, Daniel.” Sonny smiled.
“I couldn't have done this without you, Sonny.” Daniel said, pulling away from Sonny’s arms.
“Nah. This was all you.” Sonny replied. When Daniel looked at him with excitement from his good grade, Sonny feels a pang in his chest.
It took a few weeks for Sonny to understand what it was. Daniel wandered into his thoughts one night while he was working on math homework. He thought about the pang in his chest and remembers the first time that happened to him. It was when Vera Fiscella kissed him on his cheek when he was 10. His mind clicked and he realised what was happening. Sonny stopped hanging out with Daniel after that.
Sonny spent the next month praying into the late hours of the night. He was terrified he was gay. Only after a trip to the library to research did he find out that it is, in fact, possible to like boys and girls. This wasn’t much better to Sonny. He knew he still liked boys. He knew what the Church thought of boys who liked boys. He shoved his feelings about Daniel to the back of his head and bottom of his heart. He left them to die for the foreseeable future.
Sonny was 14 when he kissed a boy for the first time. He spent the last two years focusing on the part of him that likes girls, ignoring the thoughts in the back of his mind. He dated a few girls since he had his revelation. He was managing just fine, until he was invited to a stupid party during winter break in freshman year. He showed up at the large, pristine Staten Island house with a 6 pack of Coca-Cola. The host thanked him graciously and ushers him to the basement. The party was small, less than 30 people and calm compared to usual high school parties. Sonny found a seat next to his best friend and listened in the conversation about all the attractive upperclassmen at school.
The conversation carried on for a while, Sonny stayed mostly quiet, only adding a few comments about cute girls his friends brought up. He was happy with his silence, he didn’t care much about upperclassmen or anyone at that point. He was a little busy having a sexuality crisis. He sat and listened to his friends and minded his own business. He was drawn out of his mind when a girl suggested playing a game. He knew it would be one of the useless party games; Truth or Dare or Fuck, Marry, Kill or Never Have I Ever. He did not expect Spin the Bottle.
So Sonny found himself playing Spin the Bottle with a group of girls and boys and he really should’ve denied the offer to play, but he didn’t. So he spun the bottle and his heart dropped into his stomach when it landed on Spencer Hansen. Spencer was in his drama class and on the football team, and he knew he was a good guy. And he was a guy. He knew Spencer would be cool about it and kiss him for the game. Sonny was lucky he was always a good actor, because if his inner emotions were showing outside, it would’ve surely caused a scene. Spencer crawled over the center of the circle to Sonny and Sonny very quickly realised he’s about to kiss a boy. Before he knew what was happening, Spencer’s lips were on his and before he could process it, they were gone.
Sonny knew Spencer probably didn’t care about the kiss, because it was a game and it really wasn’t that big of a deal, but Sonny continued to inwardly panic. He excused himself quietly afterward, and found his way to the bathroom. He didn’t know why kissing Spencer affected him so much. Maybe because all of the things he’d spent two years trying to pray for God to change him, only to have it useless. He didn’t have feelings for Spencer, that’s not what it was, but something in Sonny changed.
Sonny knew what it was. Sonny knew what he was. He’d known since he was 12. He leaves the party, hopefully, unnoticed. On his way home he made a detour to his church, which was luckily, only a few blocks from his house. He spent longer than he should’ve praying. He wanted to go to confession but he didn’t think he could even speak the words to himself, let alone a priest. So he prayed for hours and left silently, willing God to take away these thoughts, afraid that he may be scared for the rest of his life.
Sonny was 17 when he fell in love with the second baseman on the junior varsity baseball team. He’d now spent 5 years pushing an entire part of himself into the depths of his brain. He spent hours upon hours praying, asking for forgiveness. It all added up to nothing when he saw him.
Sonny met Alex Robinson in his US History class. He took his seat, always in the front row, because his last name was early in the alphabet. Alex walked in a few minutes after Sonny sat down and Sonny knew, as soon as Alex brushed Sonny’s arm as he walked by, that junior year was going to be a very long year.
They didn’t talk, not really, not much, but Sonny felt something in his chest when Alex smiled. Alex didn't notice Sonny’s existence until they were paired together for a project on the Revolutionary War. They worked well together, they both pitched ideas and easily decided on one together. It was good. Alex would crack jokes sometimes and Sonny would laugh, and Alex would smile, and Sonny’s heart would jolt in his chest.
Sonny wasn't liked by a lot of people, most people. He had his best friends and a few friends aside, but the majority of people didn't like him. He was scrawny, an easy target, as others would say. Most people disliked Sonny, but Alex did not. Alex would talk to Sonny, gladly. He knew when Sonny was having a bad day. He knew when some of the guys on Sonny’s street would pick on him, even though he was 17, and you’d think the guys would’ve grown up by then. Alex was the only person Sonny ever told about his treacherous walks to the bus stop everyday. Some of the guys were on the baseball team, with Alex. Alex made Sonny feel safe.
“If they pick on you, you can tell me, Sonny.” Alex said. “I can get them to stop.”
Sonny’s heart skipped a beat when he met Alex’s eyes. “Nah. I think it’d only make it worse.” He smiled.
Alex smiled back. “Okay, but talk to me about it when it happens. I can at least provide some support.” Sonny laughed. Alex laughed. Sonny said a silent prayer for God to get rid of his sinful urges.
Alex and Sonny ended up sitting next to each other the rest of the year. They spoke every day, Sonny took it as a blessing. Sonny almost failed a unit test on the Age of Jackson because he spent so much time looking at Alex. Alex was too attractive for his own good. Bright eyes, dark hair, full lips. Sonny could never tell if he liked Alex, or Alex’s smile, paired with the way his eyes shined.
Alex would always crack jokes when the teacher wasn't listening and Sonny would always laugh a little too hard, stare a little too long. Sonny would watch Alex take notes, his concentration hard on his face. He would watch the large hands scratch on the paper in front of him. Alex was endlessly intriguing.
Sonny would sometimes be working on a paper and look over to find Alex already looking at him. Alex would immediately look away, Sonny would repress the exchange as his mind playing tricks on him.
When baseball season started, Alex told Sonny to go see a game one day. Sonny did. Sonny went to a home game. Sonny liked baseball, he did, but he also liked the way Alex’s body looked in the tight white pants.
When the game ended, 5-2, Sonny found Alex. “Hey, Sonny. I’m glad you came.” Alex smiled.
“Good game, Alex. Congratulations.”
“Thanks.” Sonny thought Alex’s face softened, but he pushed it to the back of his mind. “Coach said this was one of my best games I’ve ever played.” Sonny tried not to think about the implication he thought he heard. It was probably all in his head. “The team is going out to celebrate.”
Sonny realised what that meant. “Oh.”
Alex smiled. “Wanna come?” As if Sonny could say no.
The celebration was just watching the Mets and eating pizza, as it turned out. Sonny stayed close to Alex the whole night, and Alex didn't even mind. He found himself squished on a large sofa between two baseball players, one being Alex.
Watching Alex around his teammates made Sonny happy, watching him be loud and uncensored. Sonny watched Alex smile and laugh at his peers. Alex put his arm on the back of the couch to make more room and Sonny looked up at him. Alex didn't notice for a while. When he did, he looked back to Sonny and his face softened as their eyes met. Sonny’s heart skipped a beat. His breath hitched in his chest.
Of course, Sonny would find the worst possible time to realise he's in love with the player. He promptly got up and left the room, desperately trying to escape. He didn't want to lose another friend because he had those disgusting feelings.
Sonny found his way out of the house and barely had time to start breathing properly again, when he heard the voice. “Sonny, hey. Is everything okay?” Alex was concerned, Sonny heard it in his tone. Sonny sat on the dirty ground and shook his head. “What happened?”
Alex sat down gently next to Sonny. “I wish I knew.” Sonny told him, hopelessly.
“What's wrong?” Alex tried again.
“If… I told you, you’d hate me.” Sonny spoke to the dirt.
“I wouldn't hate you, Sonny.” Alex comforted, putting a hand on Sonny's shoulder. The way the touch burns into Sonny’s skin makes him hate himself more.
“If… I tell you… You can't tell anyone else.” Sonny's voice almost cracked. Alex promised not to tell. “Okay…” Sonny hesitated. Alex kept his hand on Sonny's shoulder. Sonny closed his eyes. “I’m- I like girls… and boys. I’m… bisexual. I guess.” Sonny waited for Alex’s hand to fall from his shoulder, expected a punch or insult. Alex stayed.
“Jesus, Sonny. That's all? I thought you were gonna tell me you murdered someone or something.” Alex smiled, rubbing Sonny's shoulder.
“And… I think… I'm in love with you.” Sonny said it so quietly, Alex couldn't have heard it well. Maybe that's what Sonny wanted.
Sonny still wouldn't look at Alex, but he knew he had that soft look on his face. Sonny felt that if he looked into Alex’s eyes, he would crumble. He watched the ground beneath him. He felt his eyes sting. “Do you hate me?” Sonny managed to choke out.
“Sonny… I would never hate you. Especially over something like this. No one can help who they fall in love with. You just happened to get lucky because it's me.” Alex joked. Sonny gave a wet laugh. Sonny was very lucky. “Have you told anyone?”
“God, no. I couldn't even tell myself.” Sonny sniffed.
Alex smiled, Sonny died a little. “That makes me so happy, Sonny. I’m honoured you trusted me enough to tell me. Thank you.” Alex pulled Sonny into a hug and Sonny hated himself for how happy he felt in Alex's arms.
“You don't think I’m… disgusting, or whatever?” Sonny spoke when they pulled away.
“For liking me or for liking boys?” Alex teased. Sonny groaned, pushing on Alex's arm. “This is you, Sonny. This is who you are. Who you are is not disgusting. This doesn't change anything. You are still Dominick ‘Sonny’ Carisi Jr. and you are still the best person I've ever met. Your sexuality will not change that.” Sonny felt tears fall from his eyes, he sniffled. “And if I were into guys, I’d probably be in love with you too.” Sonny let out a wet laugh, and felt his heart skip a beat. Alex pulled him in for another hug. Arms wrapped all the way around him, Sonny's face in the crook of Alex’s neck, marking his shirt with tears.
They sat like that for who knows how long. Sonny, who had just spent years of his life trying repress this part of himself, finally began to feel okay. Finally began to like who he is. He forgot for a moment how the Church felt about who he is.
Sonny was still 17 when he told his family about his feelings. It was a few months after he told Alex. Alex continued to help him feel okay about himself. Sonny was so lucky to have Alex. He asked his parents to sit with him in the kitchen and rubbed his sweaty hands on his jeans. His heart pounded in his chest. His mom and dad sat down across from him. Sonny couldn’t meet their eyes, not yet.
Sonny took a deep breath. “Okay.” he breathed. “I’m gonna tell you guys somethin’... but I need you to wait ‘til I’m done to react.” Mrs. and Mr. Carisi both nodded their heads, concerned about their son. Sonny fidgeted with his fingers and worked up the willpower to speak his mind. “I’m… bisexual.” Sonny said it slowly. His parents looked confused. They didn't know what the word meant, but they knew what Sonny was saying. “I like girls… and- and boys.”
His parents didn't talk for a little while. It felt like hours to Sonny. “Sonny…” Mrs. Carisi said. Sonny heard the disappointment in her voice. “You’re just confused.” Sonny raised his head to meet his mother's eyes, brows furrowed. “Everyone has their phases. This will pass.”
Sonny knew where the conversation was going. “It’s not a phase tho-”
“Sonny.” Mr. Carisi interjected. “You're doing this for attention. You’re confused. You like girls. It's not even possible to like both. You like girls. Only girls.”
Sonny knew what his parents were saying. “But I-”
“ Dominick.”
Sonny shut up. That was the end of the conversation. There was no point in dragging it out. His parents would never understand, or attempt to. They were going to ignore it and they expected him to do the same. Even if he felt like he would never be whole.
Sonny spent a considerable amount of time alone in the weeks following. He stayed quiet about his feelings from then on. He continued to pray for hours, begging for forgiveness, begging for change. He talked to his sisters every once in awhile. The rest of the time he was left alone with his thoughts. Thoughts that, after a while, began to scare him.
Sonny found himself at church one night, exhausted and afraid. He sat in a pew, rosary in hand. He doesn't know how long he prayed, it must've been a while. He didn't stop until he heard footsteps approaching him. He raised his head to find Father Tom next to him.
“Sonny.” Father smiled. “We've missed you around here.”
“Sorry for not being at Mass and stuff… I had some things going on. I still do, I guess.” Sonny answered solemnly.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Father offered. Sonny did and didn't at the same time.
“I guess. Can it be just me and you though? No confessional or anything.” Father agreed happily. “I think if I tell you, both you and God will hate me.”
“God would be crazy to not love you.” Father joked.
Sonny understood and smiled slightly. “I… I’m- bisexual.” Sonny waited for backlash, when he received none, he continued. “I've been struggling with it for so long. I'm tired. I’ve hated myself for years. I just want it to end.” Sonny didn’t know what specifically what he wanted to end. His pain, or something bigger. He felt tears sting the back of his eyes. He was so tired of crying.
“Sonny…” Father started softly. Sonny took in a shaky breath. “Sonny, I want to start by saying you are not the first to come to me with these struggles. I’m sure you will not be the last. That being said you know how the Church views these urges.”
Sonny nodded and looked to floor, tears beginning to increase. “I get it, Father.” Sonny answered, defeated.
“I’m going to tell you what I tell others.” Father began again. Sonny didn’t want to hear it anymore. He knew where this was going. “We are all children of God, Sonny. God created us all in His image. Correct?” Sonny nodded, confusion growing in his face. “God made all of us to be exactly what we needed to be. He made you this way because it is who you are meant to be. He did not make a mistake when He made you blonde. He did not make a mistake when He gave you blue eyes. He did not make a mistake when He made you bisexual. God makes no mistakes. That includes this part of you.” Sonny meets Father’s eyes, tears blurring his vision. “Sonny, I am so proud of you. I’ve gotten the privilege of watching you grow into a wonderful man. No matter who you are, I will always be proud of you.” Sonny’s tears continued to flow. Father pulled him into a hug. Sonny hung on for dear life.
Sonny didn’t know how long he held onto the priest for. He eventually pulled away and wiped his eyes. “What about what the Church thinks of me?”
Father’s face falls. “The Church has thought the same thing for a thousand years and will probably think the same thing in another thousand years. The Church can be wrong; and it is, at least about this. Everyone deserves God’s love.”
Sonny let out a breath of relief. “Thank you so much, Father.”
Father Tom smiled. “You’re welcome, Sonny. When times are tough, just remember that God is always on your side; and so am I.”
Sonny hadn’t felt God’s love in a long time, but as he sat in a pew in the church he attended since he was a week old, he thought it might be coming back to him.
Sonny was 34 when he met Rafael Barba. He didn’t know what to think of him at first. Liv introduced them on his third day at Manhattan SVU. Rafael looked at him with a look Sonny didn't know how to name.
“Call me Sonny.” Sonny stretched out a hand to the ADA. Sonny was surprised when Rafael actually took it. Sonny knew he was screwed the minute their fingers touched.
Rafael was sarcastic, and mean and cut throat. Sonny probably would've been scared if he wasn't so excited to be in a new borough. Sonny tried, he really did, not to stare. He did anyway.
Rafael had tanned skin compared to Sonny's pale colour. Rafael had green eyes that you could only tell were green if you were close to him. Rafael was much shorter than Sonny. Rafael had suits more expensive than Sonny's apartment. Sonny was in awe from the start.
Sonny was 35 when Rafael Barba kissed him in a bar, far from the precinct. It was the day after the Hodda case was called a mistrial. Sonny was confused as to how anyone thought that man was innocent. Rafael was tearing himself up for not giving Mrs. Rodriguez and Hector justice, once again. Rafael’s solution, obviously, was to drink away his thoughts. Sonny didn’t know why Rafael invited him.
“I don’t get it.” Sonny stated, beer in hand. They were sitting almost too close for work purposes, but Sonny let it slide because he liked to believe they were there as friends, and also maybe because he wanted to be close to Rafael. “I don’t get how that awful man can continue to get away with murdering that boy. Everyone knows he did it. Liv did everything right. It wasn’t coerced. I know that. You know that.”
“Welcome to the legal system, Sonny. I’m sure you’re thrilled to begin your escapade into the wonderful world of law.” Rafael deadpanned. “Where the bad guys are put away, sometimes.”
“Even when you try your hardest.” Sonny added. Rafael gave a cold laugh. “I wanna be an ADA, though. I wanna help people. That’s why I became a cop.”
“Wanna be just like me, Sonny?” Rafael teased.
Sonny snorted. “Yeah, counselor, just like you. Gonna tie a belt around my neck the first day too.”
Rafael groans. “You heard about that?”
Sonny smiled and nodded. “Liv told me a while ago.”
“It won me the case though.” Rafael defended.
“I’m not denying that it was a good move.” Sonny said. “Just… bold.”
Rafael smiled brightly at Sonny. Sonny’s heart skipped. His eyes moved to the dark wood of the table in front of him. His smile faded. He could feel Rafael’s eyes on him.
“Sonny.” Rafael spoke softly. He placed his hand on Sonny’s forearm. “Sonny.” Rafael tried again, moving his hand to Sonny’s face, making Sonny look at him. Rafael’s eyes were wide and soft, looking at the younger man. Sonny was screwed.
Rafael leaned in slowly, giving Sonny plenty of time to pull away. Sonny stayed put. Sonny met Rafael halfway and their lips connected. It was gentle, and Sonny never thought Rafael could do anything gentle. Sonny reciprocated Rafael’s gentle kiss with happiness.
Sonny would always catch Rafael looking at him, when they were working on a case or in the courtroom. Rafael would immediately look away. Sonny thought nothing of it, and left his thoughts about the ADA in his imagination. The way Rafael was kissing him made him believe the last year wasn't unrequited.
Rafael pulled away and looked into Sonny's eyes. Sonny blushed and smiled. When Rafael smiled back, Sonny knew it was real. He kissed Rafael again.
Sonny is 37 when he works a case where a gay man rapes a gay woman, to ‘cure’ them both. Sonny is always affected by the religious cases. The trafficking ring in the Church hit him hard last year. This case is even worse.
Sonny listens to the suspect tell him repeatedly that homosexuality is a sin. Every word he says drives the knife in Sonny’s stomach even deeper. It’s been years since the last time Sonny hated himself for his sexuality. He was happy. He was free. He was so close to forgetting the way his mother’s face fell, the way his dad’s voice sounded that day. This case is pulling out memories he doesn’t want to relive.
After the meeting with the suspect and his lawyer, Sonny’s exhausted. He’s tired of having to relive the hardest years of his life through this case. Sonny knows Rafael can see his sadness, so he follows Rafael to his office while Liv goes back to the precinct.
Once the door is shut and locked, Sonny lets himself show emotion again. He breaks down, but Rafael is already next to him, ready to pick up the pieces. Rafael pulls Sonny into a hug, Sonny rests his face in Rafael’s chest. Rafael runs a gentle hand up and down Sonny’s back and let’s Sonny stay in his embrace as long as he needs. Sonny is very lucky.
“We are not a sin, Sonny. You are not a sin. No matter what they say.” Rafael comforts quietly, just for Sonny to hear. Sonny nods weakly. “You are exactly the person you need to be.”
Sonny’s face stays hidden in Rafael's chest for a little while longer. Rafael keeps rubbing his back and pressing kisses to his temples. Sonny eventually pulls away, sniffling and eyes red. Rafael holds the sides of his face. “I’m so proud of you. I don’t know what your childhood was like, but I know it probably wasn’t easy. I’m so proud of you for getting out of there and making yourself happy. I am so lucky to be in love with you.”
Sonny gives a watery smile, he leans in and kisses his boyfriend.
He is exactly who he needs to be.
He’s happy.