Work Text:
See, here's the thing.
Everybody regrets things they didn't do
Things they didn't say
What's done is done. Arthur had never regretted what he had done. But as he laid out in the grass, breath constricting, feeling cold and tired, he felt the massive wave of things he felt as though he had missed. Things he was coming to realize he never could do.
He had never had a “proper pint” as Gwain often spoke of. Some nonsense of a pub on the outskirts of Camelot that sold “the good, strong stuff.”
At the time he had only rolled his eyes and told his knight that he had more important things to do.
He almost choked on a stiff laugh as the thought of a pint right now didn't sound so bad.
A blurry mop of black hair blocked out his view of the sky. The sound of Merlin’s agonizing cries of his name overlapping as his hearing was slowly becoming replaced with a piercing whistle. The idiot had mistaken his bout of laughter as coughing on the blood that was no doubt filling his chest and was slapping his face to keep him conscious.
Merlin’s tearful blue eyes came into focus.
Merlin
A clustered embodiment of most of Arthur’s regrets.
And now he felt a burning anger in his chest. Merlin was- well, had been the worst man servant of all time. He had lied about having magic. Arthur regretted a lot of things doing with Merlin…
He regretted… not telling him that he was only pretending to be mad at him when he talked back to him.
Or that he really did like his goofy grin…
When was the last time he had told Merlin he was the only one he felt he could be himself around?
Never? Why?
It all seemed so stupid to the king now. The idea of pride. The idea that he cared what people thought of him as a person. They didn't know him as a person- it felt like no one did. Besides the man cradling him limp body to his chest.
Merlin felt so warm. The chill in his dying body seemed to disappear when he felt the warm, shaky hand stroke his cheek. His vision was fading and his mind reached out to the rest of his body frantically, trying to see Merlin but unable to.
He regretted not returning all of Merlin’s bright smiles.
He regretted not pulling Merlin to his chest whenever he greeted him in the morning.
He regretted making Merlin wait for him, when, obviously, things were to end here.
Arthur grunted, and focused unseeing eyes where he believed Merlin’s face to be.
“... Everything that you've done, I now know…”
“Thank you.”
The moment he utter those words he heard the fading screams of anger in his mind as he felt himself drifting off into the unknown.
The thing Arthur regretted the most, was never telling Merlin how much he cared about him.
He seemed to float in a placid space of white light for such a long time. Screams and cries ripping out of his soul for no one to hear.
Then he was yanked back. Back to what? Reality, he supposed. Arthur’s breath was coming out on shallow gasps and his body was beaded with sweat.
Warm, soothing, lanky arms were wrapped around his chest. A head in the crook of his neck with soft lips leaving a trail of kisses on his stubbly jaw.
“Shuush. Arthur, it's okay. I'm here, you're here. We're safe.”
Arthur’s eyes shot open and the moment he saw the sad smiling eyes of Merlin, he yanked the naked man to his chest tightly.
Nightmares. That's what he tried to tell himself that that's what he had seen- felt. But he knew better.
“Merlin, I love you. You know that, right?” He sounded frantic to himself but ignored it when Merlin's sadness broke away into the most radiant smile Arthur had ever seen.
“You say it only about every half an hour. I better have gotten the hint by now.” Merlin teased to lift his lover’s mood but frowned when he didn't feel Arthur’s laughter rattle through his chest and pulled him almost on top of him and tugged the sheets of the bed up around them.
“I love you too, Arthur. I wish… I wish I could make all those bad memories disappear but their persistent little buggers.”
Having calmed down, Arthur sighed and rubbed comforting circles into Merlin’s much too thin hip. “No. They’re, they're important. It makes me realize all this shit I was too stupid to do before. I… I don't want to regret a moment of this time with you. I might-”
“You aren't going to die on me so don't even talk like that.”
The waver in Merlin's voice as emotion gripped him tightly made Arthur kiss him in apology.
“You're right. I'm staying right here.”