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"Really, it’s no trouble," the suspiciously friendly neighbor Davos assured Stannis with a heavy hand on his shoulder. "I don't mind making extra if you need it. It’d be my pleasure."
Stannis shrugged it off, digging his hands further into his pockets, letting the apartment keys dig into his palm. "We are getting by just fine. We don't need handouts." They especially didn't need Davos' onion soup that permeated throughout the entire apartment complex. It didn’t matter if Renly actually liked the soup, the point was that the Baratheons didn’t need any help- even if their electricity wasn’t paid for three days and all their food rotted or that Robert changed majors again prolonging his university experience by another two years putting them into further debt. They were fine.
Stannis watch the expressions of Davos face shift from friendly cheer to surprised guilt. "Oh no! I didn't mean to offend-"
"You didn't."
If it had been Robert that Davos caught in the elevator, Robert would have been more than just offended and would feel the need to defend himself which would culminate in violence and a possible restraining order. Stannis had seen plenty of times what Robert's pride could do: it wasn't pretty.
"Right," Davos winced. The rickety elevator doors opened and Stannis was the first to step out, backpack straps tight on his shoulders and a small bag of groceries in his hand. "I'll see you all soon."
Stannis responded with a grunt as he dug out his apartment keys and jammed them into the door. Davos was nice and helpful, but Stannis couldn't understand what was really going on. Davos was a year younger than Robert, yet was living alone and seemed to have extra money to spend. A suspicious amount of extra cash. Stannis had done some research, Davos worked at a shipyard and while their apartment complex was rundown and cheap as hell, Stannis still couldn’t fathom how Davos had all that extra cash that he was more than willing to shower on Robert, Stannis, and little Renly. It was beyond suspicious and Stannis wanted to keep a distance, no matter how much Renly and Robert both seemed to like their neighbor.
Walking inside the apartment, Stannis was expecting to see Renly and Robert on their beaten sofa watching cartoons, basically, the image that greeted Stannis every time he had Robert pick up Renly from school. However, today the TV was off and there wasn't a soul in sight. To his left, he could see Renly's Scooby Doo lunchbox on the ground and Robert's leather jacket flung over the chair. Yet the apartment was near silent.
Near silent except for the sound of running water.
Stannis dropped his backpack by the front door and stalked toward the bathroom. It was closed but Stannis could clearly hear water running, now accompanied by splashes and voices. No matter what Robert believed, he had no ability to be silent. Stannis frowned as he heard Renly's giggling and then a third voice, quieter and more subdued than Robert's. Stannis wasted no time in knocking and just opened the door.
He shouldn’t have been all that surprised to see Ned Stark's face when he opened the door, but Stannis couldn't stop his eyebrows from rising as he took in the rest of the scene.
Renly was in the bath, the water slowly filling up but currently not even over his lap. He was also wearing swim trunks. Robert was straddling the lip of the tub, one jean pant leg rolled up with his foot in the water. Leaning against the counter, watching with a very typical stern, emotionless mask was Robert's best friend and the only one Stannis actually approved of, Eddard “Ned” Stark. In Ned's hands was a bottle of extra virgin olive oil.
"What are you doing?" Stannis posed this question at Robert who grinned up at Stannis wild and cheery.
"Baptizing Renly."
Stannis turned his gaze to Ned because it was one thing for Robert to be doing this all on his own and frankly it wasn't all that surprising, but Ned was another thing. He was supposed to be sensible. However, Ned only responded with a look that basically read: "You know stopping this would cause more damage."
"Why?" Stannis looked back at his brothers.
"I'm declaring Ned as Renly's godfather," Robert shrugged off like it was the most obvious thing in the world.
"Renly doesn't need a godfather." Not to mention that Robert couldn't just declare it. If he was looking for the religious type, then it would require a religious leader.
Robert didn't dignify that with an answer, turning the water off and holding a hand out to Ned. Ned passed over the olive oil and Stannis narrowed his eyes.
"That better not be ours." They didn't need to waste their food on this stupid event, not when the neighbors thought they didn’t have enough food to feed themselves.
"It's mine," Ned answered, no inflection in his voice as they both watched Robert drizzle oil right onto Renly's head. Renly laughed as the oil oozed down his face and dropped into the water.
"Shh," Robert shushed them as he grabbed Ned by the sleeve and yanked him forward. "Now, put your hand on his forehead and it'll be done."
That is not how it worked, Ned should know that, but after a minute stare down, he did as Robert asked. Robert dribbled a few more tablespoons of oil onto Ned's hand to "seal the bond". Stannis felt close to having a goddamn aneurysm from watching the absurdity. Shouldn’t Robert be studying his new fucking major or something? Maybe making them a few extra bucks so they could afford their own olive oil.
"Alright-" Robert capped the oil "-it's done. Renly, from this day forward, you will call Uncle Ned, Godfather Ned. Godfather Neddy."
"Okay!" Renly readily agreed. This was followed by a few splashes in the oily water. Now Renly was definitely going to need an actual bath.
Stannis didn't even know what to say, stunned beyond belief but also just fucking tired. He didn’t have the time or the energy to deal with Robert anymore today; this pushing whatever sanity he had left over the edge.
"Clean this up," Stannis grumbled as he slipped out of the bathroom.
He was halfway done the hall when Stannis felt a strong hand on his arm. Turning, Stannis could see Ned staring at him with those cold Stark eyes.
"Renly can come to our house anytime you need a break from him. Robert too if you need a break from them both." Stannis stared as Ned continued, "Lyanna would love Renly and Robert is like a brother. Benjen and Brandon both like him well enough."
"Thanks," Stannis mumbled, drifted out of Ned's reach. He was about to mutter something more about no handouts but Ned didn’t wait for Stannis to finish, instead, he just slipped back into the bathroom.
Stannis could hear the drain open and the water empty in the tub as Ned said, “Okay, now he needs a real bath, Robert.” Which of course was answered in a bellowing laugh and high pitched squeal from both his brothers respectively.
Sighing, Stannis shuffled to the kitchen. Since Robert undoubtedly spent the whole afternoon playing with Renly and Ned in the tub, dinner was going to fall on his tired and aching shoulders…Stannis was now regretting his dismissal of Davos’ offer.