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It hurt.
The first time it hurt was long ago. Just when they had first met. Just when Kageyama saw him jump from one side of the court to the other. He almost didn't see him, but he did.
He felt that pang in his chest, an unexplainable feeling. He could almost feel the ache drift downwards and it was as if his stomach began clenching up.
Hinata had so much potential.
The second time was not long after. They were in the gym. Hinata's receives were excellent and he finally seemed ready. So, Kageyama tossed.
The look he had on his face was priceless.
He was glowing. Sparkling, even. And it hurt. It really hurt. Kageyama couldn't breathe, it was mesmerising. A lump formed in his throat and then Hinata jumped. He jumped so high. That was the first time he tossed to him.
It hurt so much.
The third time was at that three-on-three they did. The two of them, along with Tanaka, versus the other first years and Daichi. He was being blocked. He couldn't avoid it. Kageyama wouldn't toss a quick to him.
Tsukishima tried to piss him off. "You can't use that quick strike anymore," he'd said, "because that match left you scared."
"Yeah, that's right," Kageyama admitted. "Tossing the ball up only for no-one to be there behind me frightens me down to my very soul."
"But that's just a story about junior high, isn't it?"
He dismissed it so easily. Just because Hinata could spike his tosses, he didn't even care.
He... Somehow, he knew Kageyama had changed for the better, even if it was only a little.
But that wasn't what hurt and he knows it well.
" Kageyama , I'm here!"
He was. He was right there when nobody else was. He was by his side when he was left behind.
"I don't care about any of that stuff from junior high! For me, no matter what kind of toss it is, it's one that I really want to recieve! I'll jump anywhere, I'll hit any kind of ball, so keep on tossing my way!"
That was the first time someone wanted his toss. The first time someone wanted to be his partner. That first time was what triggered everything.
It was the first time he felt wanted.
He always knew exactly what to say.
His chest ached. He wanted to toss again. His hands tingled as he felt a new surge of energy. A new surge of motivation.
Him.
After that, he felt that pain and the tingling sensation in his palms on a daily basis. As clear as it was, he still couldn't make a connection.
He didn't care much about it and only became closer to him.
When he realised it, it was too late.
He was... He was always slow outside of volleyball.
But still, when he saw him in that courtyard with a girl, when the pain got ten times worse, that was when something just clicked.
He was the one that was hurting him, but in an indirect way that he couldn't even control, was what his mind came up with.
It hurt about a million times worse when he saw Hinata nod at her with a smile he had only seen once before. It was the same smile as back then when he first tossed to him, and the thought that some random girl made him feel as happy as his toss or maybe even more...
He collapsed next to the vending machine silently.
And then the truth came crashing down on him.
He tried skipping practice that day but he was caught by none other than Sugawara. "Aren't you coming?" He asked. Kageyama shook his head silently. He was sure that if he opened his mouth only a sob would come out.
"Kageyama? Is everything okay?"
No. Nothing was. Everything was falling apart. His feelings were getting in the way and he needed a break from everything, even volleyball. After all, he was going to be there too.
Sugawara nodded with a sigh. "If you need to talk to someone we're all right here, okay? Just-- text that you are okay when you get home."
Kageyama nodded and left shortly.
He broke into silent sobs when he got home.
It hurt the most that time. He couldn't think straight at all. His head was filled with thoughts of Hinata with that girl and he wanted to scream. But, all he could do was cry at the front entrance.
This-- This was so much more than jealousy.
The realisation that he actually loved him was all he needed to stop functioning properly.
Then, he decided he'd stop loving him.
He didn't text Sugawara. Instead, he went to sleep for the rest of the day.
The pain he felt before was multiplied by ten whenever he saw Hinata. It was only inevitable that Kageyama would drift away from him, but the other noticed immediately and wasn't too pleased.
" Oi , Bakageyama , don't you dare ignore me and run away! I need you to toss to me, remember?"
But that was all he needed him for anymore, and it wasn't enough for Kageyama.
Three weeks later, Kageyama was the only one in the gym. It was dark out and he'd stayed behind as usual. Practicing serves again and again and again, trying to alleviate the pain somehow. He couldn't.
He realised how Hinata wasn't there anymore. How he didn't stay back for practice like he used to, or how he didn't join him for lunch (to practice receives). It was obvious who he was with.
But, Kageyama knew he was happy that way and it killed him. It killed him to see Hinata being happy with someone else other than Kageyama.
He stopped serving. He tightened his hold of the ball when he realised he was trembling. He could easily guess what his expression was like.
Pain. It hurt so much.
" Kageyama , I'm here!"
He let the ball drop from his hands.
You were never needed. Only your tosses were.
He dropped to the gym floor in cold sweat. We were never friends in the first place, right? Everyone here just needed me for my tosses, and so did you.
Even if it wasn't the truth, it was something Kageyama believed in.
That nobody actually cared.
And the fact that nobody magically showed up to help him only hurt more. He wanted someone to see him like this. He wanted someone to tell him that everything was going to be fine.
He needed to feel necessary again, and not just for his tosses.
But he was alone.
I am alone.
He managed to clean everything up and go home somehow. He went to his room and changed before getting in bed. He didn't set an alarm that morning and hoped for death in his sleep.
The next day, he didn't go to school. Not the day after that, either.
Nobody was coming to get him. That feeling of uselessness was what made him stay in bed and cry all day, only moving to drink some water and go to the bathroom, maybe eat a cracker here and there.
A week passed like that. Kageyama thought he heard someone out the door at some point, but it was only an illusion. There was no-one there.
Even his phone rang a few times, but he ignored it. It was only the school.
As he was getting himself some water on the eighth day, the doorbell rang, making him flinch. He hadn't heard such a loud noise in what seemed like ages.
Wondering if it was the police, he went to the door and peeked through the peephole. He was shocked to see more than a few people. Kageyama couldn't see that well and he couldn't have been bothered with actually trying to focus his vision.
He would have ignored them if he hadn't heard something in a familiar voice.
"Hey, Kageyama, open up already!" Hinata yelled, and Kageyama paused in his tracks as he was heading back to his room.
His mind overflowed with thoughts. He wondered if Hinata had realised he was missing. He wondered if he had missed him, the actual him and not just just tosses.
Hinata, would you miss me if I died?
"I know you're in there! Just-- Please--" He yelled again, banging on the door loudly and Kageyama looked behind him in consideration.
He felt like opening that door, as if he was wanted, all of a sudden. He felt is hair on his hands stand on end. They came all the way to his house. That had to mean something, right?
"Kageyama? Are you there?" Hinata said again, his voice a bit lower.
There was a long pause. Kageyama bit his bottom lip nervously.
"K-Kageyama?" He heard Hinata say, his voice cracking at the end this time.
He finally opened the door.
Hinata looked up at him with wide, brown eyes, clear tears pouring out of them. Hinata wrapped his hands around his waist and held on tight, whining loudly.
It broke his heart to see him look like that.
Kageyama's bottom lip trembled and he returned the hug. Suddenly, all kinds of arms were wrapped around him again and tears poured out of his eyes.
It was a wonder how he could still cry.
They all stayed like that for a while. The whole team was there, only the 6-7-8 combination missing. Everyone was asking questions while crying about where he had been, why he hadn't gone to school and everything like that. Kageyama thought even Tsukishima shed a tear but he was not quite sure about that.
Kageyama let everyone inside and they all sat down on the couch and the floor of the living room. He forgot about his suffering momentarily and went to the kitchen to look for something he could use to feed everyone.
But he couldn't see anymore.
Everything was blurry, and it wasn't the tears. He had been starving himself throughout the week. He hadn't moved this much since that practice.
As expected, the team noticed. He was pale and had dark bags under his eyes. His shoulders were slumped and he was basically dragging his feet against the floor.
Even if he knew they did, he wondered if anyone noticed. He wondered if they cared about him.
"Hey, Kageyama, are you alright?"
He wasn't. And he told them.
He told them about what he had been doing the past week. About sleeping. About not eating. He wasn't even breathing clean air at that point.
He wasn't sure how it happened then, it all went by so quickly it may as well had been a dream. Someone wrapped a blanket around Kageyama and sat him down on the couch. Someone else took him in his arms and hugged him and he was pretty sure it was Asahi since it felt like he had another blanket around him. Someone brought him food. Then, it was silent.
Everyone was there with him and he felt warm inside and out. He felt wanted.
He fell asleep in the hands of his teammates.
When Kageyama woke up again, it was dark. He looked around hin, trying to figure out what was going on. After eating and everything he felt much better. He rubbed his eyes softly.
Nishinoya and Hinata were lying on top of him and behind him was -as expected- Asahi, who had enveloped him in a bear hug. Nobody seemed to had left yet, it seemed.
He felt Hinata shift on top of him and he remembered everything again. All the pain he'd gone through. Seeing Hinata lie down so easily on top of him, he wondered if everything would be the same tomorrow. If they'd just go back to school and go to practice. If he'd go back to his girlfriend. If everyone would stop caring about him again.
Did anyone care in the first place?
Someone opened the light and multiple groans could be heard across the room. Daichi sat down next to the couch, looking at him.
"Kageyama, won't you tell us what happened?" He asked and everyone woke up immediately, scrambling to sit around the couch so they could be close enough to hear him. Even Asahi sat up, throwing Hinata and Nishinoya off of him, but still held him. Kageyama decided he loved his bear hugs.
He told them without any fear. Somehow, he managed to get his point across, but hid a part of the truth (since he couldn't just tell them he loved Hinata, he was sitting right in front of him). Everyone patiently listened to him and, once he was done, Nishinoya spoke up.
"So, basically, you were touch starved?" He exclaimed, sounding a bit confused but confident.
Kageyama reluctantly nodded after thinking about it a little. He supposed, in simpler words, that was what he felt.
Hinata smiled at him with a big grin and sat down on his lap, hugging him again.
"We care about you, idiot. It's not just because of the way you play."
Kageyama wanted to cry again. Hinata always said the right words, somehow. He couldn't help but smile a little as he accepted the hug, wrapping his hands around Hinata as much as it pained him.
That was when he remembered. One problem was out of the way, but his unrequited love wasn't, right? His smile fell again as he pulled his hands back.
"You should all probably go home," He grumbled. Nishinoya sat up on the couch again and wrapped his (tiny) hands around Kageyama too.
"We're definitely not leaving after what you just said! That would only make things worse! As your incredible senpai, I promise to shower you with affection whenever I see you!" He blurted out and everyone agreed with him.
Kageyama moaned in embarrassment as more of his teammates wrapped their hands around him (or tried to). He still blushed though, unable to hide his happiness. He loved the affection. He needed reassurance, especially after everything that had happened. With no parents to talk to, it was a bit difficult to find it, but he was lucky his teammates were so kind.
His stomach rumbled and Tanaka ordered pizza for them all. The team had a sleepover that night.
---
The next day all of them woke up and headed home to get changed for school.
Well, all except for Hinata.
"Dumbass, wake up!" Kageyama said, shaking him awake. Hinata rolled to his other side and Kageyama felt like throwing the older out the window.
He sighed as he was ready to leave, when he felt a hand grab his wrist. Hinata turned around again, now awake. "Are we alone?" He asked groggily and Kageyama couldn't help but blush.
He nodded and, before he knew it, he was pulled down on top of the younger. He was quick to react, placing his hands by the sides of his shoulders. He didn't have time to yell before warm lips were on his.
He widened his eyes at the feeling, pulling away in shock. "What the hell? Are you making fun of me?!" He said, still on top of him.
Hinata widened his eyes too and Kageyama wasn't sure if he was shocked by his words or Hinata himself.
"I'm not making fun of you! Who would kiss someone as a joke?!" He yelled back.
Kageyama still didn't know what to say. He had no idea what Hinata was on about. "But-- You have a girlfriend! You-- You can't just--" he didn't get to finish, soft lips against his again.
This time he relaxed a bit but was still tense, his mind overflowing with thoughts. Still, he let himself enjoy the kiss. It was soft and it made him feel warm inside. Kissing Hinata, he decided, was what he wanted to do for the rest of his life.
When the other pulled away, he smiled back at him with that smile again. That one smile he gave the first time he'd tossed to him, that one smile that he gave that girl at the courtyard. But now, it felt different. It was directed right at him and he could see it up close, the loving expression he was given. It gave him goosebumps.
"We broke up. This week you were gone, I realised that I like you, more than just friends. She realised it too, I think. With everything that happened yesterday... I just needed to do this... So, Kageyama, will you--"
"No."
Hinata furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. Hadn't they just kissed? He didn't know what was happening, until Kageyama leaned down and kissed him again.
"You will be my boyfriend. You have no idea what I went through just for this to even happen and I am not letting you have all our firsts. So, Hinata Shouyou, date me you dumbass," Kageyama practically demanded.
Hinata only smiled at him, as he pecked his lips once more.
"Of course."