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Isak had come far, he liked to tell himself. He had gone from forcing himself into straight (sexual) relationships into admitting to himself he liked Even, who is a boy. He accepted the fact that he was attracted to Even, a boy, in all ways possible and that he was Not Straight. Isak had kissed Even multiple times before he took a big leap and told Jonas that he liked Even, a boy, which made him Not Straight.
After that Isak felt like it all went rather smooth. He had sex, with a boy, gotten tips and (not so useful) relationship advice from his friends. Isak liked to think he gradually became more and more sure of everything. The perks of his friends knowing he was Not Straight included: being able to kiss Even on the cheek, holding his hand and, letting Even call him pet names in public (although that was still up for debate. Just because Even knew that Isak was soft did not mean he had to ruin Isak's grumpy, tough guy streep rep). At one point Isak even became comfortable with stepping by Even's work and leaning over the counter to kiss his boyfriend hello.
Isak had come a long way since last summer, and he was proud of what he had achieved.
Until Magnus opened his mouth at lunch. He meant well, truly he did. Isak just cursed Magnus for being so nice and wanting to be such a good friend.
The thing is; Magnus is curious and has no filter. So when he had seen a documentary about the LGBTQ community the other night, it is all he wanted to discuss at lunch. Once Magnus started firing questions at Isak about 'queer-related things' everyone at the table groaned. Magnus had exclaimed he was just "trying to understand his friend better and be supportive of him!". Which is all nice and sweet of him. Only Isak could not answer one question.
Mahdii had laughed and told Isak he should be thankful Magnus would not ask about his sex life again and the technicals that came with it. But still, Isak did not feel at ease with the questions. Just because he did not know and he felt like he should. Now that he had come to terms with being Not Straight and having sex and being in a relationship with a boy he felt like he should know more about the community. But he just didn't.
However, it was not that, which has bothered him the most about the questions. It had been Magnus's question about what Even identified as. Isak did not know. All he knows is that Even loves him and he loves Even back just as much. That is all that matters to Isak.
"Magnus, you should really ask Even that yourself. He wouldn’t mind talking about it" Isak had said. Jonas, as the best best friend that he is had sensed Isak's discomfort and came to the rescue: "sexualities are fluid anyways, so why would you want to label it?"
The conversation easily switched to other topics, thanks to Magnus’ thirty second attention span, nevertheless the question about Even's sexuality never left his mind.
Isak felt like he should know -- it is a fairly important detail, knowing your boyfriend's sexuality. Isak liked to think of himself as an Even Expert these days, but clearly he was not because he didn’t even know his boyfriend's stupid label. No matter how many times Isak tried to convince himself that it did not matter, Even loved him and that’s all that’s important, he still felt bad.
And so Isak found himself in the kitchen, initially the plan had been to go over the biology chapters one more time whilst Even was making dinner, despite the good effort Isak could not concentrate on abscisic acid and instead did what he does best; overthinking.
The school books in front of him long forgotten, as his thoughts ran thousand miles per hour.
Isak knew two things for certain: one, Even had been in a relationship with Sonja, a girl, and at one point he was in love with her. If Even had really loved her that is. Isak was never sure, Even did not like to talk about her. It could be that the last couple of months in their relationship were so rough that Even's memories of her were poisoned. Or, just like Isak had Sara, Even had Sonja. The taste in his mouth was sour at the thought. Isak knew that if he ever were to voice these exact thoughts they would fight. And he too, would be mad at himself for saying such a thing -- for assuming instead of asking. If anything, he knows how much assuming hurts and is worse than betrayal. Isak already hated himself for even thinking of assuming that Even never loved Sonja. He could not feel Even's emotions, only Even could feel what he felt and Isak should never assume.
Which brings him to two -- Even tells him at each possible moment that he is in love with Isak. So it should be enough. That is all that Isak needs. Nevertheless, it may not be what Even needed.
Even had always been way more comfortable and confident with his sexuality. Even also knew he was Isak's first boyfriend and the first boy that Isak had encountered that he loved. Even knew better than anyone how important it was to come to peace with your own sexuality and how important self acceptance was. He never pushed Isak, ever. He had let Isak know silently that he was ready for whatever Isak was ready for. Whether it be hand holding or sex in a public place. They took everything minute for minute.
Isak knows that his boyfriend had been aware that he had struggled with accepting he was Not Straight.
As Isak’s mind continued to travel further down the path of over-analysing, he watched Even do his thing: hum to the songs on the radio, chop whatever they were having for dinner that night and once in awhile failing miserably at trying to sing along a high note.
The realisation hit Isak in pieces. His mind spiralled: the reason Even hadn't confirmed his sexuality to Isak yet is because Even had known Isak was scared of labels. The thought made Isak sick in the stomach. Isak had held back his boyfriend from coming out to his own boyfriend. It was Isak's fault he did not know what Even identified as, what colours his flag were, because Isak was scared of labels. Because Isak was scared of confirming who he was, Even could not be himself. And how was it fair that Even loved him when Isak took that away from him.
"Is, baby?" Even had turned the music down and had stopped cutting the vegetables.
"You have been silent ever since you waited for me at work. Something wrong?" And Isak hated this. He hated how Even had became an Isak Expert as much as Isak has become and Even Expert. They knew each other so well, knew how to read each other perfectly. Which forced Isak to talk about things, and he was still not good at that. He never really talked about things. But now he was in a relationship with a boy who offered him a safe place, love and so much understanding so Isak felt like he owed his boyfriend as much to at least let him in. He was still not good at it though, but he was getting better at it. Taking it step by step.
However Isak did not want to talk right now, or ever, about the topic that was brought to mind by Magnus. Isak was still trying to convince himself he was being silly for worrying about it, whilst simultaneously trying to convince himself that he was a bad boyfriend for not knowing such a detail. In the end that was all it was, a detail, he knew that. But it was an important one.
"Baby?" Even had said again.
Isak looked up in the ever so loving and patient eyes.
"Nothing, just a long day at school and Magnus was his own annoying, as always."
Even sensed the tone and Isak's mood -- not now. Maybe later in the evening when Isak did not feel as vulnerable. When it was dark and there was no sunlight and they could whisper and it could be a secret between them. So Even let it go and continued making dinner.
Isak was convinced Even could join Masterchef Norway and win. Never had his food ever tasted wrong, it was always so good and delicious. Until now, and Isak cursed himself for his stupid skill of worrying and overthinking. He had gotten so much into his own head he his lost appetite. Everything tasted horrible in his mouth, even a single vowel and a smile.
Even had cooked his favourite dish and fuck, just because Isak was being his stupid self, he had ruined it.
The choked up feeling that had build itself up inside of him had been the reason why Isak could not even swallow a sip of water. It was stupid, he was stupid and Magnus's stupid curiosity out of stupid genuine care which led to stupid questions was even more stupid. Isak did not like himself one bit, at this very moment.
And still, Even was here; sitting across from him, chatting away about weird customers he had today and silly coffee orders, knowing Isak was probably not listening. He still talked knowing Isak could not handle the silence, it would only cause him to think even more and harder than he already was doing.
Even's presence was calming, his passionate voice and exciting laugh and his feet touching Isak's underneath the table, his toes wiggling slightly against Isak's bare ankles. A silent reminder; I am here and it is okay.
Isak surprised himself, he just spat the question out, Even was still in the middle of a story about this man who wanted three decaf espresso shots; "what is your label?"
There was a micro second of silence, which was already too long for Isak. Too long for the over thinking to start again, but now he was talking.
"Sorry, I just mean, um, what would you say you identify with? Like with your sexuality? Because Magnus was asking and I realised I did not know because I don’t really care. I know that you love me and that is enough and Jonas also mentioned labels are stupid anyways because sexuality is fluid, so maybe you don't even do labels at all. But it is a detail I want to know an-"
Even had stopped Isak by grabbing his hand and pulling him forward for a quick peck on the lips.
"I am pansexual." It was simple, said without too much emotion. Even stated it as a fact, but not as a fact that Isak should know. Just a fact, a mere information detail, a minor little teeny tiny thing.
"Oh, cool," Isak said, "I am gay."
Isak was proud of himself how casual he sounded. Not scared, not afraid. It was cool, chill; he was gay. A minor detail of little of importance.
However, Even knew Isak like no other. Even knew labels were a thing Isak was never really good at. Even knew that Isak's heart was racing when he had said those three words. Even knew this was the first time Isak said it out loud.
Behind the casual tone was a boy who had come a long way and finally dared to go from Not Straight to gay.
Even squeezed Isak's hand, nodded and said "thanks for telling me", in the same cool and casual way Isak had brought it.
The kiss on the cheek told Isak differently though; it had told him that Even is proud of him, of the progress he had made and that Even loves him every minute of the day.
As quick and spontaneously Isak had brought up the topic they switched back to the story about the three shots decaf espresso.
However; their hands stayed intertwined, a reminder of how far Isak had come.