Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It starts with small, intrusive thoughts. They’re nothing, really. Beverly can almost ignore them.

It starts with staring at Riley Summer’s lips in third period. It’s not that Bev even likes Riley. She doesn’t think they’ve ever said more than two words to one another. And she would never really want to date Riley, who she has basically  nothing in common with… Other than the fact that they’re both girls. And that small fact confuses the hell out of Beverly. She knows that girls can like other girls (of course she does), but she’s never even questioned  if  she might herself.

It came on slowly. She’s been staring at girls for weeks before it really hits her, sitting in third period, that she isn’t looking at girls in the way that straight girls probably do.

But Bev has always liked boys, right? Otherwise she would’ve realized this before she was a freshman in high school, right? So, maybe she’s not gay after all. She must be bi, right? Because she likes guys, she thinks. Why wouldn’t she like guys?

But, then again… She loves Ben and Bill. And both of them have told her that they’ve liked her at one time or another. But it just made her feel awkward. It would be easier if she liked one of them, she thinks, because then she could just date one of them and ignore this. But thinking about dating them, or any boy for that matter, makes her stomach sink. It’s not complete disgust, though, it’s more like resignation.

And she’s always thought that she could end up with a boy. Because what else could she do, right? But after only a few weeks of high school, she knows that she will never be happy dating boys.

She watches two senior girls at a lunch table on the other side the room hold hands. It’s such a small thing, but she looks for them every day, and every day that she sees them, she feels infinitely better. Her heart soars with happiness. Seeing them doing something as simple (as brave) as holding hands makes Bev realize that this is exactly what else she could do.

She comes out on a Friday. It’s been a month since school started, and she’s seen the two senior girls hold hands for twenty lunch periods. She’s known with certainty that she likes girls for about ten of them. She’s known she’s a lesbian for about five of them.

She doesn’t wait long once she’s sure to tell the others. After she comes to the conclusion, it’s practically bursting from her every time she sees them. So, when Bill asks if anything interesting happened that day at school, Bev answers.

“Well, I’m a lesbian now,” she says. As certain as she is, she can still hear a slight unexplainable quiver in her voice. She isn’t worried about the others judging her, and she knows with certainty that this is the truth. A weight has been lifted from her shoulders and she can finally breath... and yet her heart’s still beating out of her chest.

The boys all smile, some sooner than others.

Richie gives her a high five.

Mike tells her how happy he is for her.

Ben says he hopes that it didn’t seem like he was trying to pressure her into something by telling her that he liked her. And Beverly assures him that it never did.

“Guess that explains the hair, then,” Richie jokes, because of course he does. And they laugh, and Bev can't disagree.

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Sexuality had never been a huge deal to Ben. He had always kind of known, in the back of his mind.

But the main reason that it had never been as big of a deal as it might have been was because people always seemed to care more about him being trans than they did about him being pan. They thought of his sexuality in terms of him being trans. They’d ask, assuming he was straight, if he had thought he were gay “before” (whatever that meant) or if he had changed his attraction to fit straightness. And even when they asked, they rarely really understood it. So Ben hadn’t gone out of his way to tell anyone.

He had known he was a boy his whole life in the same way that he had known that he was pan, in the back of his mind, his whole life. It only came to the forefront in fourth or fifth grade, soon after he told his parents that he was a boy. And, luckily, they had been great about it, better than most.

So after that, telling them that he might end up having a crush on someone who didn’t fit the ideal of straightness wasn’t quite as fear-inducing as it might have been. He knew they wouldn't do anything drastic about it, and he had been fairly confident that they would support him wholeheartedly. His hands still shook, though, when he did end up telling them a few years later.

Ben had never felt like he would need to tell his friends unless he started dating or crushing on someone who wasn’t a girl, though. Until Beverly comes out, and he realizes that he wants to tell them, regardless of whether or not he needs to.

So he comes out just hours after Bev does. He texts the others at 7:14 that same Friday night.

Ben: Hey guys :)

Richie: benny boi!

Bev: what’s up?

Ben: I’ve been thinking since we talked and I just wanted to let you all know that I’m pansexual, which means I could like any gender.

Bev: aw ben!! that’s great buddy!

Mike: ^Thanks for telling us, man :^) I’m proud of you guys

Bill: ^^!!

Stan: Hey, ily guys :’)

Richie: aw who knew stanley had a heart

Stan: *Except Richie

Richie: :-(((((((

Ben: Thanks guys :)) ily all too (even Richie ha)

Bev: rt^ <3

Bev: two in one day… damn who’s next lol

Richie: my money’s on eds… we all know he’s harboring a secret love for me

Eddie: what the hell richie im not gay

Richie: surrreeee ;-) ur just jealous of mrs k

Eddie: i’m straight, asshole.. also call me eds one more time… i s2g

Richie: oo was that a challenge?

Bill: Alright, alright, guys.

Ben: Yeah, how dare you steal my thunder with your banter :P

Mike: So when did u realize, Ben? :^)

Bev: ^!! yea i wanna hear abt this!!

Ben: I’ve actually known for a long time haha

Bev: can’t relate lol but !!

Richie: boi y didn’t u tell us!

Ben: Uhh idk I just didn’t rly want to at the time.. Bev rly inspired me to do it, though :)

Bev: aww lgbt buddies 4 life <33

Richie: excluded? :’((( im sobbinv… heterophobes!1!

Bev: once u come out u can join lmao

Ben: I just kind of thought that I can see myself loving a boy just as easily as a girl, so I sort of knew since like elementary school, and I figured out a label for it in middle school. :)

Mike: I’m actually so happy for you guys aw :’^)

And although Ben still smiles at Beverly’s typed-out hearts, it’s for an altogether different reason than in the past. He can’t help but grin, because he can’t believe how lucky he is to have these friends, who he knows would stick with him no matter what.

They continue texting into the night, until almost 2 AM, when the last of them finally nod off to sleep. By the next morning, Ben can’t believe that he’d waited this long to tell them in the first place.

Chapter Text

Stan is having a minor identity crisis. It started with the texts, after Ben comes out.

Mikey: I’m actually so happy for you guys aw :’^)

Stan: ^

Beverly: thanks guys.. also realizing this has made me see how much we assume everyone’s straight..

Beverly: bc that’s kinda y i never realized earlier i think :/

Ben: Yeah, I agree. The assumption that everyone’s straight & cis is really harmful tbh.

Eddie: i’ve never rly realized since i’m straight & don’t think abt it, but ya that’s rly true

Trashie Tozier: ^no homo

Beverly: ya! bc y should that b an assumption? like,,

The conversation continues, far longer than Stan stays up, but Stan can’t stop thinking about what Beverly and Ben said.

It’s been a week, and he still can’t seem to get the idea out of his mind. Friday nights are supposed to be for going to football games or parties, but all Stan can think about is why he’s been saying he’s straight for his whole life. Because he can’t imagine not loving someone because they’re a boy. And the more he thinks about it, the more he realizes there’s no reason that he wouldn’t date a guy. So he’s been thinking about dating guys more and more throughout the week, and by Friday, he’s decided he is undoubtedly not straight.

He’s actually kinda pissed that he’d assumed he was for so long. He knows there’s no real inherent difference between guys and girls. He knows girls can be hard and boys can be soft, even when they’re conditioned to be the opposite, and he knows that a person’s sex is different than their gender. He’s known all of this, yet he hadn’t ever thought about dating anyone but a girl. And that kinda pisses him off.

He gets to thinking, if there’s no reason he should assume he’s straight, is there really a reason that he’s been assuming he’s a boy? It’s not that he thinks he’s a girl; he knows that’s not the case. But he’s just… having a hard time figuring out what exactly makes him a boy. The answer, he’s realizing, is nothing. Hence the identity crisis.

So, when Richie picks Stan up, on the way to Bill’s for a movie night, Stan tells him. Because he can’t not tell someone about his little revelation. It just sort of comes out (pun intended), suddenly and all at once.

“Have you ever thought about how fake gender is?” Stan asks.

Richie’s eyebrows shoot up, and he turns in his seat to face Stan.

Before Richie can make some idiotic comment, Stan elaborates: “It’s just that there’s nothing that really defines gender except societal ideals, and those are usually bullshit, so…” Stan stops himself before he can go on a rant.

Richie nods slowly.  “Are you saying you’re… not a boy?” He tilts his head to the side, questioning.

“I dunno.” Stan mentally curses how panicked his voice sounds. “Am I?”

Richie puts a hand on Stan’s shoulder. “I can’t really decide that for you, buddy.” He pauses. “But I can tell you, and I mean this in the best way, that no one’s gonna give a shit either way.”

“Gee, thanks, Richie,” Stan deadpans.

“Hey, I’m trying to be sincere here,” Richie says, in mock offense. “Does this mean you like all genders, though? Because I know I’m irresistible, but I’m just telling you upfront that--”

Before Richie can finish, Stan punches him in the arm. “Just drive, asshole. We’re gonna be late.”

So Richie backs out of the driveway, and they head to Bill’s.

Stan doesn’t tell anyone else, at least not that night, because he’s still not completely sure himself. But his crisis, for the most part, is over.

When he does come out for real, it’s a few months later. Stan makes sure that everyone knows that regardless of his belief in gender being complete bullshit, he would never try to force it on any of them, knowing that gender is important to them. It just isn’t important to Stan.

Chapter Text

Mike’s heart soars every time Stan talks about sexuality. He’s incredibly proud of Stan for being so open about it. And Mike’s been thinking…

Mike’s been thinking about how his heart doesn’t race so much when anyone else talks to him. And he doesn’t find himself leaning towards the others when they talk, but he’s definitely noticed himself doing so with Stan. Mike loves all of his friends, but he doesn’t find his chest bursting when he gets to be around them as much as it does when he gets to be with Stan.

This isn’t a new development, per se, but it’s definitely come into new dimensions since Stan’s coming out. Mike thinks that his subconscious probably realized that it’s much more of a possibility than it had ever been before.

Even though it seems clear now that Mike probably has a crush on Stan, he hadn’t been able to figure it out for a long time. Because those feelings were just feelings towards someone he wanted to be better friends with, right?

And even after Stan comes out, and Mike’s feelings seem to escalate, Mike can’t help but wonder if he actually likes Stan or if he’s just projecting onto Stan because of the coming out. But, he reasons, if that were the case, wouldn’t he think he liked Ben, since he came out first?

So, Mike knows he likes Stan, and he’s mostly okay with it.

He knows he shouldn’t get his hopes up, but he also thinks he sometimes sees Stan smiling at him oddly or sees Stan paying more attention to him than the others or notices Stan making jokes about them dating even though he’s never done that with the others. But maybe it’s still nothing.

It all really comes to a head when Stan texts him.

Stan: Hey, I don’t want to assume anyone’s straight bc it just feels gross to me, so I was just wondering if you are or not? If your not comfortable answering that’s cool too but yeah just know I won’t be assuming that ur straight unless you tell me haha

Stan: Not to single you out! I texted everyone individually in case it’s awkward :)

(Mike had kind of been hoping Stan had singled him out.)

Mike almost has a heart attack, and he isn’t sure if he’s relieved or scared, but he answers truthfully.

Mike: Oh! Thanks for asking! I’ve actually been thinking about it so it’s really nice of you to ask… & I don’t think I’m straight tbh

Stan: Cool!! Do you think you know what you are? I had kind of a hard time with that, so if you want to talk about it let me know.

Mike: Uh yeah idk… I think probably kinda like what you told us about you?

Stan: So you kinda like anyone?

Mike: I think so yeah

They continue talking about it for hours. Mike even mentions his crush, although still avoiding a name. He drops a few vague hints, but not so many that Stan can tell who he’s talking about (he thinks).

Stan: Gtg! it’s time for dinner at my house

Stan: I love talking to you though thanks for being so open about it it makes me really happy

Mike: Ok bye!! You too :-)

Stan: & we need to get you together with this mystery man of yours…

Mike: Haha.. I don’t think he likes me

Stan: I bet he does!! He’d be stupid not to

Stan: Really gotta go though! Bye!

Mike really kind of hopes that Stan’s right.

Chapter Text

Bill can’t believe he’s missed it for this long. It’s been well over a year since his other friends came out. You’d think that if there were any bit of Bill that wasn’t straight, he’d have surely figured it out by now. Bill would've thought so too, but apparently that wasn't the case.

Sure, he had thought about it, especially when Stan and Ben kept talking about heteronormativity. But, even when he had thought about it, he hadn’t figured it related to him. He just couldn't imagine himself being with a guy. It’s not that he was ever against it. It’s just that he knew he was straight. But then again, Bev had known she was straight too.

He’d been dating this girl, Emily Harding. She’s nice, funny, pretty. It’d been a few months, which were all good, great even, until the fourth month rolled around. There wasn’t anything specifically wrong , but Bill couldn’t shake a bad feeling.

At the time, he’d told her that he just wasn’t feeling it anymore, but now, he’s not quite sure if that was the truth. He thinks there might be more to it than that.

Bill can’t help but ponder whether he might’ve felt off about it all because he couldn’t figure himself out when he was dating someone. And he’s realized that he really, really needs to figure himself out.

It’s different than how the others described it. Because Bill doesn’t necessarily feel internalized homophobia in the way that most of them described. He definitely feels it to some extent, but it’s not the same. Because the majority of his friends have already come out, and he loves them for it. He can’t be bothered with the fact that he might like guys. It’s more just that Bill has to take some time to think about himself.

So, he does. After breaking up with Emily, he thinks harder than he’s probably ever thought (except for maybe during his first AP test). He thinks and thinks about it, and now it’s the end of the semester, and he thinks he’s sure. He’s realized that he couldn’t be happy dating Emily while he’d been torn up with confusion about guys. He wishes he could actually see what it’d be like to date a boy, but he knows that even without that, he’d only be making excuses if he ignored it any longer. He’s bi.

And now that he’s sure, he can not fucking stand being called straight. It doesn’t seem like it should really matter, seeing as he’s been called straight his entire life, and it hadn’t bothered him until now, but it does.

It happens so much more than Bill had ever realized. It isn’t that people randomly call him straight; it’s just that they assume he only likes girls. He can feel it in the bottom of his stomach when his grandmother asks him if he’s dating any girls. Or when his parents seem concerned about him hanging out with Beverly, but don’t mind when he hangs out with one of the boys. Or so many other situations.

But he tries to ignore it. He replaces those thoughts with thoughts of telling his friends. When he actually comes out to the other losers, and it’s wholly uneventful. They’re obviously happy for him. Bev, Bill, Stan, and Mike seem especially excited.

“What is this, some kind of cult?” Richie asks when they practically shriek with excitement.

Bev nods, completely serious.

“Why, you gonna join?” Stan jokes.

Richie shakes his head. “Sorry, Stan; I know you want a piece of this.”

“I have a boyfriend, dumbass.”

“Yeah, don’t feel too bad, Mikey. I’m just irresistible.”

Bill shakes his head. “Beep b-beep, Richie.”

At this point, Bill can’t even imagine coming out to his parents. He isn’t sure how they’d react, but he doesn’t think they need to know just yet. He can tell them when he’s ready, on his own terms. And that’s perfect, he thinks, because he has his friends, so he knows he’ll be okay.

Chapter Text

Richie refuses to believe he has a crush on Eddie fucking Kaspbrak. There’s just no way. Absolutely not. Since Bill had come out almost a year ago, Richie’s joked about being straight more times than he can remember.

“Damn, am i the only straight one here?” he’d said just last week at Bill’s sleepover.

Eddie had been offended, complaining that he was straight too, but that wasn’t the point. The point was that Richie was straight . In fact, Richie had always thought he was more confident in his sexuality than most. He didn’t care when people thought he was gay, like Eddie did. And he’d even thought about being gay before only to decide that no, he definitely wasn’t. He was good with that; he loved being straight. Or at least that’s what he had thought until Eddie fucking Kaspbrak had come back from winter break looking like some kind of god.

Over the break, Eddie and his mom had gone to visit his grandparents. Richie had talked to him almost every day, yet Eddie had decided not to disclose the fact that he had apparently been growing out his hair in the time away.

Now, it’s the first day back from break, and Richie knows he’s been staring at Eddie all day. He figures he’s always known that Eddie’s hair is curly, but he hadn’t fully realized  that it was. Before, the hair in question hadn’t been all that much shorter, Richie thinks, now that he’s been staring at it all day. But before, Eddie had styled it so perfectly and precisely. Which was fine. But Richie never would’ve expected the messiness of Eddie’s slightly longer hair. Maybe Eddie just hadn’t had time to style it this morning, but Richie’s known Eddie for years and he can’t remember a single day that Eddie’s slept in, so Richie can only hope this is a full-time thing now.

It’s not like that changes the fact that Richie’s straight, though. He can appreciate Eddie’s new hair without being gay. He’s just excited for his friend. In fact, he’s probably just staring so much because he’s jealous of Eddie’s hair. 

Richie ignores his thoughts about Eddie. When he finds himself staring at Eddie’s hair, he looks away in a hurry. When he finds himself smiling uncontrollably just from being near Eddie, he tells himself that he feels the same with all his friends. And when he finds his heart leaping when Eddie and him brush hands or legs or anything, he shakes the thought out of his head. He’s got it all under control.

Instead, he tries to think about girls. He’s always talking so much about girls that he’s just now realizing how little he's actually thought about them and how little he actually cares about them in that way. It's just that Richie has better things to do than worry about romance, he insists to himself. But it’s hard to convince himself of that when his stomach gets all fluttery when he thinks about Eddie. But that’s not right because Richie Tozier does not have embarrassing schoolgirl crushes. Definitely not.

This continues for weeks, maybe even months, before Richie gives up. It happens when a girl asks him out. Richie has to commend her for her confidence, seeing as they barely know each other, but he knows he can’t say yes, even if he weren’t possibly maybe a little in love with Eddie. So he tells her that no, sorry, he isn’t interested.

Richie’s not even sure when he'll be ready to come out to everyone, but he thinks it’ll be okay as long as he makes it into some colossal joke at his own expense. And as long as Eddie doesn’t treat him differently. He doesn’t know if he could handle that. But before he even worries about that, he knows he has to come out to one person first.

So he bikes to Stan’s house, and they talk.

“Are you going to tell the others?” Stan asks as he opens the door for Richie to leave later in the evening.

“Of course, Stan! How else will they understand my upcoming multitudes of jokes about being gay?” Richie pauses. “Good riddance, heterosexuality. Gay Richie is alive and thriving.”

Stan raises an eyebrow. “Thriving? You were in tears like an hour ago.”

“ Thriving , Stanley! Thriving!” Richie shouts back over his shoulder. Stan laughs, shakes his head, and closes his front door.

Chapter Text

Eddie has had it up to here with being called gay. He’s not against it anymore, especially since everyone else has come out, but it’s just not him. He’s been called gay his whole life, since before he even knew what it actually meant, so it shouldn’t be that big of a deal to him, but it is.

So when some girl asks him if he’s gay after the end-of-second-period bell rings, he snaps.

“Why? Why do you think that?” Eddie slams his textbook into his backpack and zips it up. “Would that be so bad? If I were gay? No! God, mind your own business.”

It’s only after he’s down the hall, his fists still clenched, that he realizes that he never actually denied being gay. But that shouldn’t be a big deal... he thinks his tone implied it.

Boy was he wrong. The next day, more people than Eddie can count, mostly straight girls, come up to him and congratulate him. He doesn’t realize what they’re talking about until his lunch period, when Mike tells him that everyone thinks he’s gay now.

“What the fuck? Why?”

“I don’t know,” Mike says. “But are you?”

“NO!” Eddie practically shouts. After seeing Mike’s taken-aback look, he softens his voice. “No. No, I’m not. Sorry, this day’s just been such a mess.”

Mike nods and tells him it’s no big deal.

The rest of the day goes fairly smoothly other than a few slurs thrown his way in the halls. Eddie forgets to tell the others except for Mike and Bev, who he has classes with, but he can’t be bothered to text about it. It might start a whole talk, and he doesn’t think he can deal with that right now, so he just changes into a sweatshirt and passes out on his couch.

He sleeps soundly, and when he’s woken up by the doorbell, he feels much better. He’ll clear everything up tomorrow, and it’ll all be over. He nods to himself as he walks to the door. It’ll be normal again tomorrow.

Only a few seconds after the first ring, the doorbell goes off one, two, three more times in a rush before Eddie grabs the handle and yanks the door open. It’s Richie, of course. Who else would ring the doorbell like that?

“Jesus fucking Christ, Richie!” Eddie hisses before letting the other boy inside. “What is it? If it’s anything short of you dying, the doorbell ringing was WAY too excessive.”

“I do feel kinda like I’m gonna die.” Richie runs a hand through his hair, pushing it off his forehead.

Eddie frowns, actually concerned now. Did something happen with Richie’s parents?

“What is it?” Eddie asks again.

“Doyouwan..g..twithme?” is about all Eddie can hear from the sentence (if you could even call it that) that Richie mutters.

“What?”

Richie takes a deep breath, looking more serious than ever, which makes Eddie’s heart jump.

“Sorry. I want to do this right,” Richie says.

“Do… what?”

“Eds,” Richie starts (Eddie scowls, but doesn’t say anything). “I think you’re super nice and funny and I care about you a hell of a lot and… and… um… you’re just fucking cute and your face makes my heart jump. And do you want to go out with me?”

Eddie’s eyes widen. He’d been playing with the sleeves of his sweatshirt, but now his hands fall still at his sides. His jaw clenches. He can’t open his mouth. No, he thinks. I’m not gay.

After a moment of silence, Eddie thinks he can see Richie’s heart break. And it makes his heart break a little too to see his friend like that. And it makes his heart break a little because he wishes he could just say he’s gay, but he’s not. He’s never been. He’s always said he isn’t, so he isn’t. He doesn’t want to have to agree when people assume he’s gay because of how he looks or acts or sounds. So he’s not.

Richie chuckles softly, but it just sounds more broken than anything else. “Sorry, Eds. I know just ‘cause you’re gay doesn’t mean you like me. I don’t know why I thought…” He shakes his head. “I’ll leave.”

Richie turns away, but Eddie stops him with a hand on his shoulder.

“It’s not that. You’re great, Richie. I’m just…” Eddie feels tears coming to his eyes and he blinks them away, feeling dumb and exposed. He can’t figure out why. He’s not the one who just got rejected. “I’m not gay.”

It takes Eddie quite a while after that to find out that that was a lie. About two more years, actually. He struggles with it more than anyone else. He thinks it’s because he’s been so adamant on not being gay his whole life. It’s only in college that he realizes that by being so against it, the very people who assume he’s gay are winning in a way. At least, Eddie’s certainly not winning. So he stops lying and tells the truth: he doesn’t know what he is. And by doing that, he comes to terms with the fact that maybe he’s always been gay. He’s just never wanted to be. It took a while, but now he couldn’t be happier with it.