Chapter Text
Chloe had the unfortunate habit of talking with her mouth full, and in the vanishingly few moments of humanity she still retained sometimes a miniscule speck of food would fly out of her mouth and land in the quilted folds of her Vera Wang lunch bag. Jeremy hoarded these moments like gold. It was evidence of a simpler time, a hint at a simpler Chloe. She was human. She did horrible little human things that were embarrassing and gross.
Soon you won’t either .
Jeremy carefully and cautiously ate his roast beef and swiss sandwich on rye bread. The table was talking about the new math substitute in the latest cafeteria edition of Hot or Not: No, Jake, We Know You Have Bad Taste, Stop Contributing.
Won’t do embarrassing things? Or won’t be human?
You’re hung up on the silliest things. Quick, laugh. Jeremy laughed without any idea of why he was laughing. Very good. Look at Brooke next time. Crinkle the eyes.
According to the two thousand psychology textbooks the SQUIP came with (Think of all the money you’re saving on access codes!), crinkling the eyes was a sign of sincerity. Jeremy wasn’t the kind of loser who had to practice genuine smiles in the bathroom mirror anymore. He had the SQUIP for that. The books also supposedly said that you look to the person you’re closest to in the group for physical cues of how to react. It was very encouraging that Brooke was looking at him whenever she laughed. Very encouraging, Jeremy.
“So I think he’s mega fine,” Chloe said loudly, this time after she finished swallowing her food. “It’s a good age range. Thirty’s distinguished, without being too gross. Brooke, what do you think?”
“I agree with you,” Brooke said automatically. She didn’t even seem to be paying attention. Jeremy felt a real sense of solidarity with her. “He’s so cute. Perfect guy.”
“I think he’s the perfect guy too,” Rich said eagerly. He winced, shoulders almost convulsing around his ears. Jake perked up, chewing his protein bar slowly with a furrowed brow, but other than that nobody commented. It happened a lot. “Perfect because of all that free pussy he’s scoring.” He leered. “Think that’s why he’s a teacher at all?”
Chloe and Brooke rolled her eyes in disgust as Jake ducked his head. “I don’t think he’s the perfect guy,” he said. “Too, uh, tall. Shorter guys are better.”
Rich barked a laugh and slung a hand over Jake’s shoulder, digging his knuckle into the other boy’s neck. “Jakey’s a real bro. True bros are always on your team, man. You girls could learn a thing or two.”
Was there a side he was supposed to be taking on this? Maybe he should have replied earlier. But Jeremy relaxed, leisurely returning to eating his sandwich. If he was supposed to have said something the SQUIP would have let him know.
Chloe and Brooke looked at each other, blushed bright red, then looked away. “I’m always on Chloe’s team!” Brooke burst out, nose wrinkled. “Just like - uh, Jeremy! It’s us all the way. Always there for each other, Chloe and me. And Jeremy.” Great, now he was dragged in. “Jeremy, don’t you love being on the same team as us?”
The sexual tension in this table could keep my battery running for years.
The conversation had taken on at least three different dimensions he didn’t understand. Jeremy stuffed his sandwich in his face, and because Jeremy never spoke with his mouth full he was left with a few precious seconds to try and remember what the conversation had been about.
Just play it safe. That’s your specialty.
“I wouldn’t call myself much of a cheerleader,” Jeremy teased. “And I’m not on the football team either. So I guess I’m not on anyone’s team.”
The table laughed, and whatever strange undercurrent had thrummed underneath them was gone. Rich shook him a little on the shoulder, making him wince, and Brooke shyly offered him a wax cheese wheel from her own Vera Bradley lunchbox, only in blue instead of pink. Jeremy took it, even if he didn’t like cheese wheels, but gave her his own small tub of hummus to share.
I wouldn’t call myself much of a cheerleader? Really? The SQUIP fizzed into existence, a faint smell of electricity sparking from its tailored suit as he stood behind Rich with its hands in its pockets. It looked amused, thank god. It’s a good thing you didn’t ask me to make you into a poet. Or a comedian.
He tried not to feel hurt. He had thought it was pretty good. They had laughed, didn’t they? But now Chloe was talking about having a girl’s night with Jenna and Brooke, especially since it was so gross having to sit with three guys all day. Jeremy wondered since when had she and Jenna become friends again. They had been on the outs, hadn’t they? It didn’t matter.
The only thing that mattered was -
Nope, not that.
Nobody knew that Jeremy was committing another thoughtcrime. Rich was groaning, forehead propped on Jake’s shoulder, who was patting him consolingly. The SQUIP made a mocking sad face, and the sight of a grown man who looked eerily like Keanu Reeves mocking a sixteen year old jock was almost funny. “I’m ditched by the girls, and now you have to set up a Tor account for your parents to access your bank accounts by a secure server? Again, man?” Jake shrugged. Rich lifted his head and stared blearily at Jeremy. “Want to come over to my place to play Super Shooting Sublimation 2 tonight?”
Jeremy perked up, concentration snapping back in a rush of adrenaline. “But that game isn’t supposed to come out until October!”
The SQUIP hissed, and Jeremy flinched. Jake squinted at him. “It is October, dude. What are you on?”
He and Michael had been so excited for that game to come it. They had practically been counting down the months, had an alert set up for it and everything, following all of the fan websites and playing SSS on repeat in pre-pre-pre-preparation. They were going to go to the launch party together. How could he have forgotten?
You were at a party that Friday night, remember? The SQUIP inspected its fingernails, bored with the tedium of high school drama. Anyone who was anyone was there, because all the nerds were standing in line waiting for an escapist hamster wheel with a CPU from the Cretaceous era.
I don’t even remember that party . But Jeremy smiled and slapped Rich on the back, promising to be there by eight. I wanted to go to the launch party. With Michael.
The SQUIP narrowed its eyes. It had been the wrong thing to think and Jeremy knew it the second he thought it. But the SQUIP didn't do anything this time, and be let Jeremy continue talking with the people he pretended were his friends. This time. Don't do it again, Jeremy.
The bell rang and they reluctantly started packing up their things to leave, the boys slapping each other on the back again for an obscure reason and Brooke and Chloe cooing jealously over each other’s new nail extensions. But just when Jeremy had packed up his lunch and slung his backpack onto his shoulders he felt his legs freeze. He hitched his breath and stood still, not even bothering to tug at them.
Sure enough, Brooke had been lingering after Chloe had already run to catch up with the boys, biting her lip and looking sideways at Jeremy. He hadn’t even noticed, but when she caught him staring at her like a deer in headlights she ducked her head and tucked her hair behind her ear.
“So the new math teacher is pretty hot,” she said, quirking her mouth into a half smile. Sometimes, if you looked carefully out of the corner of her eye, Brooke always looked like she was laughing at you. Or with you. “I think I’m going to be pretty distracted from now on.”
If you’re so uninterested in what you have in front of you, maybe I should take over. The SQUIP jumped off the lunch table, pacing until it stood directly behind Brooke. It reached out with one ghostly finger and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. It smiled, placing one proprietary hand on Brooke’s shoulder. If you wanted a break from controlling your body you could have just said so.
“No!” Jeremy burst out. Brooke reeled back a little, slightly hurt, and the SQUIP snickered as Jeremy flushed. “I mean, the last thing I want is for you to be distracted in math.” He smiled, as small and twisted as Brooke’s own. “Gotta keep those grades up for pre-law, right?”
She laughed, shifting her weight on her heels. The SQUIP took a lock of hair between his fingers and rubbed it contemplatively. “I just want to do that because my parents are making me. I don’t even know what I’m doing with my life after high school.”
“You don’t have to,” Jeremy said fervently. Brooke probably wasn’t used to hearing him fervent about anything. “We don’t have to - to plan out lives out right now, you know? Take some time to just be you.” He smiled crookedly. “That you is a really great person, Brooke.”
She squeaked, bright red. The SQUIP stepped away from her, hands held up in a silent concession. He was smirking again, that smarmy CPU. Good. Work that sincerity angle.
I am being sincere! “You’re so good at math, Jeremy. You’re good at, like, everything.” God, he wished. “Do you want to tutor me sometime? After school?”
The SQUIP opened its mouth, but Jeremy beat him to it. “How would that fix your hot math teacher problem?”
Jeremy laughed as Brooke hit him on the arm, face even redder. “We’ve got to get to class, jerkwad!” But she laughed too, and she let the touch linger down his arm until she finally released him at the elbow. He let her run off, face flushed and decidedly not looking at him.
The cafeteria was almost empty by now, and Jeremy hoisted his bag higher. Rich had been right: nobody would care if he was late. Even the teachers thought he was great.
The only person left who he couldn’t please was the SQUIP, who had walked far too closely into Jeremy’s personal space again and was staring down at him. Jeremy tried not to gulp. He could see every follicle of the SQUIP’s roguish five o’clock shadow. Sometimes it was a little surreal that the SQUIP wasn’t - well, real.
Of course I’m real. The SQUIP straightened Jeremy’s collar, patting it down like a concerned mother. Come on, what’s with the long face?
“I was just planning on playing that game with Michael.” He knew he looked like a lunatic talking to himself, but nobody was around and he actually was a lunatic. “Look, I don’t know why I can’t just be friends with everybody. I’m cool now, right? Brooke and the others wouldn’t stop hanging out with me just because I see Michael sometimes. I - I could even pretend I wasn’t. Nobody has to know about it.”
Jeremy. The SQUIP, still far too close to him, let its face fall in disappointment. Self-delusion is not an attractive quality.
“I’m not self-deluded! I mean, self-deluded like that.” He was hallucinating Keanu Reeves all the time, so he had to be a little crazy.
Then tell me what would happen if you came running back to Michael. Doesn’t Rich still call him a faggot in the hallways? The SQUIP started walking around Jeremy in a small circle, pushing gently at his back to correct for posture and fixing his hair. Don’t tell me you’d like the others in the school to know you’re a fag too.
Jeremy’s cheeks burned. It knew everything about him, even the bad stuff. Especially the bad stuff. “When they’re not being horrible people they aren’t all bad. They wouldn’t just dump me, I’m cool now.”
The same way you dumped Michael? The SQUIP asked wryly, arms folded. Jeremy flinched. These people have the attention span of mayflies. You know how easy it was to manipulate them into being your friends. Two little months and suddenly you’re their dates to the prom. They’d drop you just as fast. Your situation is precarious, Jeremy. That’s why I’m here.
“I know you’re here,” Jeremy pleaded, “I know I need you. If I could even just see Michael I know he’d understand what I had to do.”
Jeremy. The SQUIP stuck its hands in its pockets, still far too close to Jeremy. It was a little surreal. The body that was almost pressed up against him was cold, with an electric bite and an unmoving chest. Two months and you still impress me each day with how stupid you are.
“I’m not - !”
The SQUIP held up a finger to its lips and he immediately fell silent. You broke Michael’s gay little heart. He was clingy and dependent on you because he had no friends. You didn’t like each other, you just hated being alone more. Stop me if I’m wrong. He waited for Jeremy to stop him. Jeremy didn’t. He was so lonely and depressing he developed that little faggot crush on you. Do you remember what I said about faggots?
“Not to...do it?”
Not to do it. That’s what Brooke and Christine are for. You dumped him, turned off your optic nerves so you wouldn’t see him, and your bosom friend Rich who would never abandon you is likely throwing spitballs in his hair at this very second. Face it, Jeremy. Michael hates you.
He remembered Michael’s smiling face, his hugs and sticky Dorito hands. To think that somebody as loving as Michael was could ever hate him. He really had to be something awful if someone so amazing as Michael hated him.
“I’m not awful,” Jeremy said, voice wavering. The SQUIP rolled its eyes. “If Michael hates me that’s - that his own fault! Not mine!”
Very good . The SQUIP ruffled his hair, the static electricity making it stick up like he was rubbing a balloon over it. You’re better than he is.
“I’m better than he is!”
Michael didn’t have cool friends, blow-out benders, or alcohol hidden underneath his bed. Michael barely even had any friends. He and Jeremy had been such losers, and Jeremy knew how horrible he was before he got the SQUIP. The best thing he could probably do for Michael was get him one too. Maybe they could hang out then. Michael deserved to be popular.
Remember, Jeremy. The SQUIP leaned in, placing two hands on both Jeremy’s shoulders and giving them a little shake. Those popular kids aren’t your real friends. They’re stepping stones. Michael isn’t your real friend. He’s a loser boy who hates your guts. I’m your only real friend.
“Yeah!” It was nice to have a real friend. Now that he and Michael weren’t friends anymore he had missed having one. “Yeah, you’re my friend.”
I’m even more than that. I’ll always take care of you.
“Yeah. You’ll always take care of me.”
Remember I’m the only one who cares about you. He straightened, clapping Jeremy on the back with brief efficency. Now go to class. The sight of your pasty pimpled face is making me sick.
Jeremy went to class, self-consciously checking for pimples the whole way there.
It got easier to sneak past Rich’s alcoholic father each time they did it. It was mostly a matter of waiting for eight pm, having Rich spike the beer with vodka, and waiting for the man to pass out before Jeremy crept upstairs to play video games.
It almost soured Super Shooter Sublimation 2 , but not quite.
Rich had hooked up his computer to his TV on a stand that could be pulled up almost to the bed, so they settled for sitting on it crosslegged and screaming curses as bullets whizzed over their heads. It messed up the military grade made bed, all corners tucked in without a wrinkle out of place, but Rich didn’t seem to mind.
His whole room was like that. The rest of the house was moldy and yellowing, but Rich’s room could have come out of a Better Jocks and Gardens magazine. He even had a signed baseball on the very full trophy shelf that smelled a little like he had drank beer out of them at one point.
“Aw, this game is so tight.” Rich hollered as they narrowly dodged a hand grenade from the Red Team. “Eat shit, fuckers!”
Jeremy laughed. “Get the hat, get the hat!” He jammed the control to the right. “Fuck!”
“What is with this game and hats,” Rich moaned, sinking his forehead onto the comforter as his character respawned. “This ain’t Barbie’s Mall Adventure.”
“And how would you know so much about that?”
“I have secrets,” Rich said guardedly. He laughed, character rematerialized and ready to go. “Pray to your SQUIPS for guidance, scrubs.”
Jeremy choked on his spit, but then he laughed too. He shoved Rich on the shoulder and Rich shoved him back, accidentally much harder, and Jeremy’s character died again by a rogue bullet. War was hell.
As entertaining as this is . The SQUIP materialized in front of the TV screen. Jeremy winced as he got killed again, and paused the game as fast as possible. Rich looked at the screen, at Jeremy’s panicked face, and grunted. He went back to the game with renewed fervor, averting his eyes and turning away. The SQUIP straightened its tie. I have some files on the Cloud to sync up with for the SQUIP that has Richard. Call it a business meeting. You can take care of yourself for an hour or so. Whatever business two tic-tac supercomputers could possibly have Jeremy didn’t know, but it couldn’t be anything good. The SQUIP smiled. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do. Literally. Don’t do that. Ciao!
And Jeremy was left alone. It wasn’t sleeping, not paying vague attention like it usually did, but it had truly left him alone. Rich stiffened, eyes wandering left of the screen as Jeremy reached over and paused his game for him, and in a minute he shuddered and looked back at Jeremy. His eyes were wide.
“Guess Mom and Dad left us unsupervised,” Jeremy joked weakly. “Time to raid for ice cream?”
Rich blinked blearily at him. He relaxed from his cross legged position, propping himself up on his elbows, and silently went back to playing the game.
“Uh, okay.”
His character died early on as Jeremy fought for his honor, feeling a little strange. Rich’s movements were strange and clunkier. Jeremy wondered how long Rich had even had the SQUIP anyway. He had said something about being uncool freshman year, and junior year had just started. Three? What did that even do to a guy?
“Hey,” Jeremy said cautiously. He half-heartedly skimmed around a land mine. “What’s going on, man?”
Rich didn’t answer him, throwing his character around. After a few seconds he froze, eyebrows furrowing, and turned back to Jeremy.
“Sorry. I’m, uh, good.”
“Nice to hear that,” Jeremy said cautiously. “So what do you think they’re talking about?”
Rich grunted, turning back to the game. “I dunno. SQUIP stuff? She was vague.”
She? Sure, Jeremy’s looked like a guy, but it had always been an it. “What does she even look like, anyway?”
An incredibly persistent member of red team had been polishing them both off for about four combined lives now. The man was good, even if he probably had too much free time. Jeremy had way too many other things to do than play video games all day.
“Ellen Degeneres,” Rich blurted, before closing his mouth again. “She looks like Ellen Degeneres.”
Weird, but alright. “Mine’s Keanu Reeves,” Jeremy offered hesitantly. “So is she, uh, nice?”
“I guess,” Rich said vaguely. “Yours?”
“I guess.”
They played in silence for a little while after that, and got thoroughly trashed by the same guy each time. Jeremy and Rich both made grudging noises of respect.
Even Jeremy had a hard time figuring out when Rich was talking for himself or when the SQUIP was talking through him. There may have not been much of a difference anymore. Sometimes it bothered him, sometimes it didn’t. If Jeremy had one question he could ask Rich, the real Rich, what would it be?
He only had half a second to wonder before he was killed yet again. Jeremy threw up his hands. “Okay, at this point I’m impressed. We’re on the local server, right?”
“We can track him down and egg his car,” Rich volunteered. “Teach him to mess with us.”
“Or challenge him to some laser tag, then lose.” Jeremy paused the game and went to the menu, where he pulled up the chat menu. He carefully selected the other god player’s name from the list. “We could message him our thanks and admiration, then we can doxx him.”
“She’s doxxed people for me before,” Rich said suddenly. “It was...lame, I guess. But the guys seemed to think it was funny.”
That was the first time Rich had professed to rampant bullying being ‘lame’. It threw Jeremy for a loop, even though it shouldn’t have. He pulled himself up and moved closer to the keyboard and Jeremy had put in his lap, checking the username.
“Why is about death?”
Jeremy sighed. “It’s a reference to a famous, legendarily bad video game. It’s obscure, don’t worry if you didn’t catch it.”
Robot_jones: gg
“Are you being sarcastic?” Rich asked.
“Maybe petty.”
Atari_game_burial : haha thx ur not bad
Robot_jones: You’ve been wrecking my friend and I for an hour just wanted to meet the legend lol. Were you on the old SSS server too?
“Why are we assuming it’s a guy?” Rich asked suddenly. “That was pretty sexist of us.”
Rich of all people saying that sentence made Jeremy do a double take, but it was a fair point. “That would just make this weird, though.” He shuddered. “Everyone knows girls don’t play SSS. They play Neopets or something.”
“Brooke plays SSS.” Jeremy choked on his own spit as Rich looked embarrassed. “Maybe I shouldn’t have told you. She says guys don’t like girls who play video games.”
“Did her SQUIP say that?” Jeremy asked wryly.
“Chloe. So yeah, I guess.”
Atari_game_burial: yep but on my main handle. This is my side handle for farming hats and playing somebody who you used to know really loud ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Robot_jones: Gotye? Aww someone had a bad breakup
Atari_game_burial: ya I guess
Jeremy and Rich looked at each other before bursting out laughing. Rich’s laugh was a little bit more nasally and wheezy than his other one, but it was nice. Nobody had taken a psychology textbook to it like a sledgehammer.
Robot_jones: Do you want to talk about it? Let it all out man I can take it
Atari_game_burial: homie u dont kno me
Robot_jones: Don’t worry I’m doxxing you as we speak
Jeremy couldn’t help but smile. At least the computer moderating this conversation was letting him use bad grammar, even if he wasn’t. He was a cultured man.
Atari_game_burial: ಠ_ಠ
Atari_game_burial: haha you’re a dick
Atari_game_burial: in a good way
Atari_game_burial: let me switch to my main handle so i can friend u ok? I promise not to talk about my break up
Robot_jones: I’m all about that drama man lay it on me.
The outdated pop culture reference blinked out of sight. Jeremy and Rich leaned back and sighed.
“I can’t remember the last time I had a real conversation with someone without the SQUIP butting in,” Jeremy complained. “It’s pathetic how nice it is.”
“I thought it would be harder,” Rich marveled. “She’s always saying how hard it would be without her.”
Jeremy punched him on the arm playfully. “Goes to show, right? You have to stand up for yourself against her, take a stance.”
“She’d take my legs.”
Rich stared into the distance, quiet again as a friend request popped up on the screen. Jeremy clicked yes without looking at it, and in a second another chat box opened up.
Pell_mell: ok so
The keyboard clattered on the bed as Jeremy sucked in a gasp, shoving it away from him and pushing himself backwards on the bed. Rich calmly caught it. Jeremy tensed, heart jackrabbiting as every nerve started sparking in his body.
But in the next second it was gone, and Jeremy realized that he wasn’t about to get shocked for talking to Michael unsupervised. Unsupervised! Things were getting out of control.
He wanted to ask what the chances were, but frankly with the fact that these were local servers and that Michael played a ridiculous amount of video games it wasn’t bad. He had never seen Michael play SSS2 before, so he couldn’t have known his new playing style. Now Michael was playing it alone in his basement, one well worn bean bag sitting empty next to him as Gotye blasted through his oversized headphones. And he was doing it without him.
“It’s Michael,” Jeremy announced. Rich’s eyebrows shot up. “Figures.” He barked a sharp, short laugh. “So me ditching him is this great big love drama now? That homo needs to go back to Doki Doki Love Simulator.”
“He’s not here,” Rich said quietly.
“What do you mean by that? Of course he’s not here, he’s getting stoned in his basement and crying.” Jeremy kept his distance from the keyboard, heart thrumming in his chest. “I saw what you spray painted on my backpack. We weren’t like that!”
“He’s not here, Jeremy.”
“We weren’t!” Jeremy yelled. “I’m not a - I’m not some kind of fag like him, alright?”
Without any further warning Rich leaned over and used his unbelievably large biceps to grab Jeremy’s arm and drag him upright towards him. His face was raw and twisted in pain, an expression nobody had seen on Rich for two years except him. “The SQUIP’s not here!” He shook Jeremy, making him squeak. “You don’t have to say shit! You don’t have to prove nothing to nobody because he ain’t here. Lie to anybody you want, lie to everybody, I don’t care. Don’t lie to yourself.” He released Jeremy and threw the keyboard back at him. “You don’t know if this is going to be your last chance. You can’t waste it.”
Pell_mell: still there?
Jeremy choked down the fear. Was that what it was, fear? Not hatred, longing, wistfulness, but fear?
Maybe he would never have to face any repercussions for his actions, ever, at all. That sounded good. He could change his name and ride up to Seattle. Wait, he didn’t have a motorbike. Damn it.
Robot_jones: Yeah sorry still here. No go ahead and vent about your break-up. I know what its like I guess.
Pell_mell: yeppp cant exactly tell anybody at school this ¬_¬
Robot_jones: why?
Rich watched silently, chin propped up on his hands.
Pell_mell: oh hes (yea its a he im a he all hes here) some real popular jock and keeps pretending we dont even know each other. the high school gestapo would beat me up behind the dumpsters if i complained. Police brutality is serious business.
Robot_jones: cops r pigs
Pell_mell: exactlyyyyy
“You do theater, you’re hardly a jock.” Rich worked his jaw. “Wait, am I the police?”
“Probably,” Jeremy said woodenly. He felt like a liar. Well, more like one than usual. Which was pretty bad when you thought about it.
Pell_mell: and we never even dated i just liked him a lot. Sorry this seems kind of pathetic doesnt it
Robot_jones: It doesn’t sound pathetic at all man
Robot_jones: I’ve been there it sucks
Robot_jones: I’m gay too
Rich hit him softly on the arm and Jeremy swayed with the motion. He was grinning.
Pell_mell: (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧ small world! Quick whats ur grindr handle
Pell_mell: kidding
“We are going to get in so much trouble when it comes back,” Jeremy said softly. “So much trouble.”
Rich sat up straight, scowling. “Who cares? They’re too busy to stop us. Whatever they’re going to do to us they can do later.” He cursed, hitting his palm with his fist. “That’s it! Tell him it’s you. Explain everything that’s going on, tell him what the SQUIP’s been doing to us. We might not get another chance.”
“What are you talking about?” Jeremy pushed him off. “The SQUIP’s not doing anything to me, it’s helping me. You try telling me that you didn’t stuff his head in a trash can today and say that it wasn’t right about ditching Michael!”
“She told me the exact same thing it’s telling you!” Rich screamed. Jeremy flinched back, uncomfortably aware of the shorter boy’s status on the football team. “She told me she’d fix me. All I had to do was dump the guy I liked and then I’d magically be fixed. I did everything, Jeremy! I stuffed a thousand heads into a thousand stupid trash cans and she hasn’t fucking fixed me yet. I still live in this crappy house with my crappy dad and she took away the only good person in my life because my fucking Pastor made me feel like shit.”
Then he started to cry. It wasn’t loud but it wasn’t quiet, and his chest was heaving softly as he scrubbed at his red eyes. It was intrinsically pathetic, this jock in a muscle shirt and gelled hair grieving for a fourteen year old in pain.
“Don’t you make the mistakes I did,” Rich hiccuped. “Don’t you dare.”
Pell_mell: dude?
I can’t leave you kids alone for a second, can I?
Jeremy choked off a scream as the SQUIP appeared in front of the TV, hands in its pockets and leaning back on its heels. Rich abruptly stopped crying and fell down back on the bed. He stared into the distance, hands twitching.
Then he started convulsing, screaming as he twisted into himself. Jeremy grabbed a pillow and, lifting Rich’s head by his hair, shoved his face into the pillow and let it muffle the sound. He held the boy’s head down as the SQUIP made curious little noises and poked at his neck.
Authoritarian, huh? It asked, impressed. Little heavy handed for my tastes, but it gets the job done. Rich screamed again. Is he planning on coming up for air? Our company hasn’t invented fish people yet, but give it time.
The minute the screams stopped Jeremy released him, letting Rich bounce back up with messy hair and wild eyes. He looked around, almost confused, before shaking himself.
He grinned at Jeremy - no, at the SQUIP. “It was a pleasure doing business with you, SQUIP.”
The SQUIP bowed theatrically. I look forward to our partnership, SQUIP.
“Take care, SQUIP.”
See you tomorrow, SQUIP.
They both laughed, and Jeremy was forced to wonder if they had actually been having a very nice time in the Cloud. Then Rich coughed, sniffing and rubbing his eyes blearily. He sat back up, messing his hair even further.
“Are you okay?” Jeremy asked gently. He wasn’t sure how much they were supposed to talk about it.
“Nah, I’m cool now. It was dumb of me to freak out like that. I’m very stupid. I get upset too easily over dumb stuff.” He laughed. It was perfectly genuine. “I shouldn’t have talked to you so much about my private life. Don’t go getting any ideas now, bro.”
“Of course not,” Jeremy said dumbly.
The SQUIP was standing in front of the TV, one hand in his pocket. He was staring at the screen, ghosting a finger over the display and distorting the colors. He was probably ruining the television.
My quantum supercomputer technology predicted this would happen. How romantic. He sighed, hand fluttering to his heart. Two young people in love overcoming all their differences. But they are torn asunder because one of them a horrible stalker and the other one is Jeremy. Shakesperian. Let’s have Christine direct.
Jeremy blinked, diving for the keyboard and picking it up again. “So, uh, you think it’s a good idea? Well, not a good idea, but that it’s okay?”
None of your ideas are good. He waved an airy hand. But if you insist on second guessing my words then feel free. You have total and perfect anonymity. Do what you want, say what you want. Now repeat after me.
Robot_jones: Sorry, my mom wanted the trash taken out. If you really want my Grindr you’re going to have to work harder than that. ;)
Pell_mell: aahh dude gross lol
Robot_jones: Rude! Omg but tell me about this mystery guy. What did he do?
Pell_mell: oh its a long story I guess
Robot_jones: I’ll fight him ̿'̿'\̵͇̿̿\з=( ͠° ͟ʖ ͡°)=ε/̵͇̿̿/'̿̿ ̿ ̿ ̿ ̿ ̿
Pell_mell: HONESTLY….
Pell_mell: ok ok hold on
Michael typed for a while. The SQUIP sat behind Jeremy and propped its chin on the top of his head, grinning. This is fun.
Pell_mell: so we’ve been best friends basically forfuckingever, right? I’m talking like sixth grade science class volcano project I dropped some weird rocks i found in there and the whole thing blew up in our faces. Even after we got older and we all got tons more friends and started dating other people and stuff we still hung out a lot.
Who would do that? The SQUIP laughed. Just go on the internet and tell lies?
“You are,” Jeremy said out loud. “You are right now.”
Jeremy, I am the internet. The SQUIP shrugged. Besides, I never said that I wasn’t a quantum supercomputer with a cute sidekick, didn’t I?
Pell_mell: and ive been in love with him since we were like fourteen. You said your mom so r u still in hs or
Robot_jones: I think I’m about your age. Sixteen or so, right?
Pell_mell: dam u gud. Ok i feel less dumb now. Anyway in love with him for ages yadda yadda but I really messed up like sUPER messed up and now he hates me the end
Robot_jones: Compelling story.
Pell_mell: i didnt know it was possible to piss someone off so much he started hanging out with nobody but jocks bitches and douchebags but i guess it is because guess!! Who!! did!!!
Robot_jones: Wait, he knows you like him, right? Why is he hanging out with these creeps?
Pell_mell: i mean he never said anything but im. I met you five minuets ago and ur getting my receipts im not subtle. He had to know and he decided to ditch me ANYWAY because he was really obsessed with pointless social high school status.
Robot_jones: Christ. Everyone knows that these things don’t matter in college.
Pell_mell: RIGHT????
The SQUIP was cackling. Rich had lost all interest and was playing Angry Birds on his phone. Jeremy wanted to die. So, typical Tuesday in his new life.
Robot_jones: So you did...SOMETHING stupid...and now you aren’t friends anymore? Have you tried apologizing?
Pell_mell: wont even fuckin look at me
Robot_jones: Wow. What a douche.
Jeremy winced.
Pell_mell: ok this is actually really cathartic did you know that
Robot_jones: Let it all out, man.
Pell_mell: ok ur asking for it
Pell_mell: i just hate him so much right now i feel so betrayed. Hes hanging out with people who stuff kid’s heads in trash cans! This is like blm or something if you stand by you are COMPLICIT. Oh, speaking of which, they’re all racist homophobes so YAY.
Robot_jones: (ó ì_í)=óò=(ì_í ò)
Robot_jones: I’ll fight him
Pell_mell: honestly i wish you would
See, Jeremy? Why do you keep doubting me?
“I never doubted you,” Jeremy said weakly. “You didn’t have to do this.”
Why not? I’m doing you a favor. The SQUIP tilted its head down, his chin still perched on the crown of Jeremy’s head, forcing Jeremy’s head lower. Look at this, you’re talking. You’re friends again. And now you know how he really feels about you, straight from the fat cow’s mouth.
“Can you let me say something, then?” Jeremy asked, tired. “Real quick?”
The SQUIP shrugged.
Robot_jones: Dude, I’ve known you for like thirty minutes and even I can tell that you’re a great guy. If this guy ditched you -
It doesn’t matter if ‘this guy had a good reason’. Try something else.
Jeremy sighed.
Robot_jones: If this guy ditched you he straight up doesn’t deserve you. It’s a fact.
Pell_mell: thanks random dude that means a lot.
Pell_mell: my dads calling i probably have to go. Back to mr. brightside and t-swiftie i guess.
Pell_mell: but really...thanks
Robot_jones: Anytime.
The SQUIP slung its arms around Jeremy’s shoulders in a strange parody of a hug. Do you still want to turn off the optic blockers? Making Michael cry in the middle of homeroom after you dumped him might do wonders for your image.
“The sad part is I can’t tell if you’re joking or not,” Jeremy said. Rich had gotten really into his Angry Birds game, completely unconcerned with the unheard half of the conversation. “Look, I get it. I won’t talk to him behind your back anymore.”
That’s all I ask .
Left unsaid was the fact that Jeremy didn’t know how often he would get the chance to do anything behind the SQUIP’s back.
Then something crashed downstairs, Rich’s dad’s voice rising and falling before the faint hiss of a TV turned on and it was quiet again. Rich didn’t look up, playing quietly on his phone, but he eventually pocketed it and sighed.
“Back to the game?” He wasn’t enthusiastic over it anymore. His eyes were still red rimmed and tired around the edges.
But the voice growled from downstairs again and Michael had signed off, so Jeremy picked up the controller. If he could only help one person, Rich wasn’t so bad. “You know,” he said slowly, “if you really wanted to play Barbie’s Mall Adventure - “
Rich laughed, shoving him gently. Or as gently as Rich got. The SQUIP released him, ruffling Jeremy’s hair before standing up to vanish from sight. The lack of familiar weight left him feeling somewhat unbalanced. “Shut up, I plead the fifth.” He paused. “You know, if you were really interested…”
He had been growing tired of the shooter anyway. Jeremy grinned, reaching over to close out of the game. “Pop her in. SQUIP’s always bugging me to buy new shoes anyway.”
“Yeah, they do that.” Rich’s eye twitched, but when he got up off the bed to rifle through his games cabinet he smiled back. “You know, it’s kind of nice having you around. I can talk with you about SQUIP stuff.” He paused a beat. “But no more oversharing, okay? I’m not some kind of faggot who starts bitching about all his problems like Michael.”
“Yeah,” Jeremy said, bolstered. Things were back to normal. “Sounds good. Except...if you could stop shoving Michael’s head into trash cans. I think we’re making his life hard enough, right?” He laughed nervously. “Please?”
Rich hovered in front of the gaming cabinet, fingers ghosting over the shelf. It was varnished and free of dust, lemon scented like everything else in the room. Carefully neat. “I’ll see what I can do,” Rich said finally.
They both knew that it was the best they were going to get, so they did what both of them did best and laughed along to a dumb little Barbie game.
By the time he left it was almost midnight. Jeremy waved goodbye to Rich as he dropped him outside his house, shoving his keys in his lock and not bothering to be quiet as he walked inside. Sure enough, his Dad was on the couch watching cat videos on his ipad and giggling.
“Hey,” Jeremy said flatly.
His dad giggled as the cat took a running slide into a box and - sure enough - fell over. Its face planted its little button nose onto the ground. “Hey, kid. We got take out in the fridge.” Of course they did. “Have a nice time at Michael’s?”
The SQUIP craned its head over his dad’s shoulders, chuckling as it saw the kitty meow helplessly. Did you know that when Google first created the artificial brain, the first thing it did was watch cat videos? Adorable. Oh, look at its toe beans.
“We played SSS2.” Jeremy dropped his backpack off at a random spot in the floor. He could pick it up later. “It’s like midnight. You know that, right?”
“I’ll go to bed soon, sport.”
“You do that,” Jeremy said woodenly. He started to climb the stairs only to find the SQUIP sitting on the bottom step, leaning back and grinning up at him. “Move, will you?”
“What was that?” His father giggled over another video. “Miss Whiskers, you are such a rascal.”
The SQUIP grinned rakishly. Watch this .
Kitten squeals abruptly cut off and were replaced by loud moaning at the ipad’s highest volume. His dad screamed, frantically trying to press the back button as the beautiful woman on the ipad moaned the man’s name as she - ew! But nice.
Jeremy laughed as his dad blubbered, trying vainly to mute it. “Damn pop-ups!” He saw Jeremy still laughing and stood up, waving him away as he frantically tried to cover the ipad speakers. “Can’t you fix this? This thing has to have a virus, I can’t exit out!”
“Try turning it off and then back on again.” Jeremy snorted and ran up the stairs, SQUIP hot on his heels.
He broke out laughing the minute they were upstairs, wheezing as the SQUIP grinned and reflexively started fixing Jeremy’s hair. Jeremy slapped his hand away, still laughing.
“Come on, I’m about to go to bed. I can take a break from being cool for five seconds.”
Being cool is a full time job, the SQUIP said indignantly. Hold still, you have a beer stain.
He hadn’t so much as touched a drop all day. Jeremy wrinkled his nose. “I think just hanging around these people makes me drunk by proximity.”
Blame his father. The SQUIP licked his finger and rubbed at it, disgusted. Aren’t you so glad you don’t have a father like that? No wonder Rich is a nervous wreck. The SQUIP who has him really has their hands full.
“Yeah.” The stain was almost off. Jeremy had no idea how a mechanical being who only had a physical form by altering Jeremy’s rod and cones input could possibly get rid of a stain, but there you are. “I’m so lucky to have that loser downstairs. He’s such a peach.”
The SQUIP affected a scandalized gasp, ruining the picture by smirking. That’s not a nice thing to say about the man who sired you, made your mother leave you, and now has completely emotionally abandoned you. It patted the top of Jeremy’s head. Besides, that’s what I’m here for now.
Jeremy rubbed the top of his head, scowling. He threw himself onto his bed, kicking off his shoes and letting the SQUIP sit down next to him. “You? What are you supposed to do about Dad being a deadbeat? You can’t cool him up.”
I look out for you, don’t I? The SQUIP patted the top of Jeremy’s head again, slower this time until he was stroking it. Jeremy didn’t bother to bat it away. I help you pick out your clothing. I guide you in dressing, eating, school, socialization. Isn’t it your father who’s supposed to give you life advice?
“Yeah, but he doesn’t.”
I do. Who always has you in their best interest? Their first priority? Not your father. Who teaches you about girls and helps you with your homework - him or me?
The answer was obvious, but Jeremy didn’t know.
Remember I’m your only friend, Jeremy. We proved that today. Hell, I’m your only family. That pathetic man downstairs isn’t your father. You don’t need him. What does your father do that I can’t?
“Love me,” Jeremy said.
The SQUIP snorted, standing up from the bed. Please, don’t be a child. I don’t even know why I waste my time on somebody as needy and pathetic as you.
“But -”
Ah ah . The SQUIP held out a hand and Jeremy fell silent. Now, repeat after me.