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It’s soft and warm in the nest of blankets you’ve set up, clustered in a small bunch in the middle of the living room. The coffee table’s been pushed to the side, couch cushions beneath and behind you, and your headrest is kind of bony, but you can’t complain. You’re lying your head on Dirk’s shoulder, shades on the table along with his. Controller in one hand, you stretch your arm back, completely blocking his view so you can finish the level without him.
“Dave, what the fuck,” Dirk says, pushing your arm away just in time to see you complete the level. “We’re not even competing, why are you cheating me out of playing.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” you respond, curling up again. The next level loads up- god, the underwater one- as you grab a Dorito. “I was just stretching. No sabotage here.”
“If you run me off screen again,” Dirk warns, trying desperately to keep up with Sonic, “I will kill you, and it’ll be Just.”
You run him off screen. “Whoops, there goes Tails,” you comment, as said character flies his way back to you. You snicker into Dirk’s shoulder which turns into a hum as he runs a hand through your hair.
He pulls. You squeak.
“Asshole,” you mutter as he runs his hand soothingly through your hair again. He’s abandoned all attempts at keeping up with you, it seems, just pushing the joystick to the right whenever you nudge him with your elbow to do so. He reads you like an open book and you’ve never been more comfortable with that being true.
He turns into an angel when he jostles your head on his shoulder to hold a Dorito over your face- but not in front, because he’s not you and this is a hard level. You open your mouth and maneuver it until you can bite down without getting crumbs and cheese dust all over your good pyjama shirt.
“You’re my favorite person in the entire world,” you comment, finishing the level in record time, fuck yeah.
Dirk doesn’t respond. His hand falters in your hair and you raise a brow as you turn your head to look back at him. He blinks, caught staring, and switches his attention to the screen. You pause the game and the sweet music that comes with it to look up at him properly.
“You good, bro?” you ask, reaching over him for another Dorito. “You’re never quiet for this long.”
He responds with a smile that could be regarded as a flinch before his gaze strays from you again. You turn on your side and elbow him gently.
“It’s surreal,” he murmurs. His hands curl in your hair and on his chest. You nod to spur him on. “Being around you; it’s like a dream I’m terrified to wake up from. I admired you for so long and now I’m here, casually spending time with you like it wasn’t a fantasy just a few years ago.”
You watch him, watch his eyes glaze over with tears he’ll refuse to shed, watch the corner of his mouth twitch between a grimace and a smile.
“I never thought I’d have this, either,” you say without thinking. You drop your controller, gesturing with your hands as you speak. “I never thought I’d be able to lay down with my bro and just relax, you know? Have some snacks and talk with him all comfortable-like.”
“It feels like I’m going to wake up,” Dirk says, and his voice cracks, “And be completely alone again, with only this memory of you.” His fingers card through your hair and your close your eyes against your will. You dare to note his hand trembling.
“Dirk,” you say, and he closes his eyes as you turn into his side, shuffling until you’re half-laying on top of him so you can hug him tight and close. “It’s okay, I’m right here and I’m not leaving. Ever. I promise. I never wanted to- your Bro, he didn’t have a choice. He would be so proud of you, dude.”
Dirk wraps his arms around you, squeezing tight. You hear his breath stutter on the intake and shoosh him, petting his hair much like he was doing to you. His fingers are curled so tightly in your shirt you can feel his nails digging into you back.
“It’s alright,” you soothe, nuzzling up to his chin. You can feel the heat coming off his face- shame, and the fact that he’s crying or trying desperately not to. “‘Sides, you’re the best bro I ever could have asked for. I met you the way I was supposed to, finally.”
He pulls back from your hug in question. You shrug, sheepish. “Nothin’, just meant we were destined for this, you know?” you say, rubbing Dirk’s back as you do. “We were destined to meet each other and play Sonic Mania and drink three litres of caffeinated soda. SBURB was shit but it brought me you; this.”
Dirk lets out a watery laugh, hugging you close again, this time annoyingly smacking a kiss on your cheek. You make a disgusted face, dramatically wiping your cheek with your sleeve. You know he loves you dearly, and you, him. He settles in to your makeshift nest, pulling the edge of a blanket over himself and opening his arms for you.
You turn your console off, like a good, responsible young man, and dive right into your bro’s loving embrace, laying your head on his chest to listen to his strong and steady heartbeat and the tap of his fingers along your back as he calms down.
“I always admired him-“ Dirk starts, tracing shapes on your shoulder blades. You prop your chin up on his chest to listen. “You. I always admired you. Thought you were the coolest dude in the world.
“You were hilarious, man. You made so many people happy with your work. By just being yourself. You were so kind and jovial, indulging everyone in the things they loved just to see ‘em smile.”
He pauses. His hand still mindlessly runs up and down your back. His other arm is draped across you, shielding you from any harm that might be done. He’s talking about you . He’s admitting all of this to you, all the things he thought and felt growing up alone.
Before you can say anything, he continues. “You were so selfless. Gave up your life to protect people, to do good for the world. You wanted to save lives. You wanted to save me .”
You don’t know what to say. You put your hand on his chest, over his racing heart. His breath hitches, and when you look up, there are tears in his eyes.
“Was I worth it?”
“ Dirk ,” you choke out, scooting up to nuzzle his neck and tuck your arms around him. He clings to you as he lets out a sob, and you feel your heart break. “How could you think you’re not worth it? You’re my best bro-”
“I wasn’t,” he says, voice low and shaky. “I was awful to you, I-”
“That wasn’t you ,” you respond, lifting your head to look him in the eye. “You are my best bro. You listen to me and remind me of who he wasn’t every single day. You proudly listen to bad music, have weird fetishes that I know too much about, and buy me socks to put on my hands. You’re not him.”
“As if,” Dirk scoffs, and you frown. “Pressuring you into talking to me, staying with me. Look at me, pity party extraordinaire, as if you care about me-“
“Stop,” you demand. His mouth snaps shut, along with his eyes. He’s terrified.
“Please-”
“Please nothing,” you say, and he hiccups. “I’m not leaving. I don’t want to, you don’t have to beg me to stay. I care about you, Dirk. I’m not going anywhere.”
“I’m so scared,” he croaks. You don’t react, waiting. “I don’t know what you’re thinking, I don’t know if you trust me to tell me things are going wrong. I’m so scared of losing you because I fucked up again.”
“I’d tell you,” you murmur, petting down his side. His arms are still solid and tight around you, like he’ll float away when he lets go. Like you’re his anchor in the ravage seas of his mind, the thing he’s been trying to truly escape ever since he left it.
“You don’t have to wonder,” you continue. “Just talk to me. Tell me you’re worried. Tell me you’re scared. You know I’ll be there to help.”
“I’m scared you’re going to leave,” he says. His eyes are blank when he opens them. He’s guarding himself, preparing for the worst. “I know you will. I know one day you’ll get tired of me and you’ll go. I wake up every morning scared that the sun isn’t going to rise, because you’ll be gone.”
You’re quiet. He breathes as you do, slow and calculated to get him to calm down. What you do, he follows. What you say, he’ll heed. He’d rip up the Earth for you. He’d burn holes through his hands to catch a star for you. He loves you so much he can’t even say it anymore.
“It’s so dark when you’re gone.”
He sounds so small. You don’t know what to do. When you blink, you feel tears spilling down your cheeks. You don’t care. You can’t care about anything but this fear he carries around with him, falls asleep to at night. That he’s going to be alone again. That he’s going to go back to being isolated in a world that taunts him with possibilities he can’t reach.
You never want him to be scared again.
“I’m not going anywhere,” you say, deadly serious. “If I ever step my foot out of that door-” you point aggressively- “you’re coming with me. I will be by your side, come what may. Remember the fight?”
He grimaces. He knows exactly what you’re talking about. The decision neither of you wanted to make or consider, but the one that had to be done. The trust you had in each other.
“Nothing’s changed,” you continue. “I’m still here, I’ve got your back. I’m not cutting your head off again, but otherwise, you can count on me for anything. I’m your bro, bro.”
You crack a smile out of him with that one, the tiniest hint of a twitch of his lips. He leans down to kiss your forehead, and you remember what he told you it meant: respect, love, faithfulness, trust, all wrapped up in a pretty little package that puts you at ease. You resist the urge to make him gag with a slobbery return gift to his shoulder and hug him instead. He curls in and you let him, throwing a leg over his. Your turn to protect him now. None of those monsters in his mind can get him when you’re there.
You won’t let them.