Archive of Our Own ^beta

He tried and tried again… No matter how hard he tried, he just couldn’t focus on the task at hand.

Compared to most days, today had been uneventful. Just two days ago his ship was attacked by an invisible war-bird. A week before that disaster, he and his crew dealt with failed negotiations between the Halanan species and the Federation. Needless to say, Kirk should have been glad of the peaceful days that followed. It was plain to see that Kirk needed the temporary rest. His crew desperately wanted it and his ship was begging to be repaired. What Kirk hadn’t expected were the mountain of reports due. The seemingly endless stacks of data-padds waiting to be written, reviewed and approved.  With each passing day he procrastinated, and the padds began to pile up endlessly in his room, covering and suffocating his space. Kirk was determined to finish the tedious task by the end of his shift, but the more he tried the more his mind would just… wander.

Kirk had not expected the complete and total lack of concentration he seemed to be engulfed in. He also noticed that he’d been feeling strangely off for the last couple days, but as usual he shrugged it off and pushed it aside as fatigue. As the days progressed, he noticed the sensation wouldn’t go away or even lessen. If anything, the lack of concentration steadily increased each day. Kirk also felt his nerves on overdrive. He was unaware of when it had begun, and strangely enough everyday average stimuli was suddenly becoming too much to bare.

He sat in his chair, trying to make sense of what was being displayed on the view screen. What was a simple D-Class planet ecological report looked like a complex quantum chemistry equation. His thoughts would wander to a place where he did not particularly want to think about. Sometimes he would spontaneously awake back into reality, without any knowledge of where his mind had been… resembling waking up from a dreamless sleep.

“Captain.” The yeoman woke him from his confusion and handed Kirk a padd containing the roaster duty, which needed his approval before the following shift began. Kirk turned to look at the yeoman and noticed that she was standing too close, her voice sounded too high, too loud. He felt as if her atoms were invading and landing on his over-sensitized nerves. He needed her to leave his space… now.

“Captain?” The yeoman spoke again. Confusion was apparent on her face, only then did Kirk realize he hadn’t responded.

He cleared his throat, “Thank you, Yeoman Rodriguez.” Kirk reached out and quickly grabbed the data-padd. He was mindful to avoid touching the young lady’s hands as he took the padd. It was almost as if his body would overload if he accidentally touched anyone. He hastily glanced at the roaster, swiftly signed the padd and all but shoved it back to yeoman Rodriguez.

“Thank you, Captain,” the young yeoman mumbled under her breath while walking away. She was clearly surprised at the Captain’s off behavior.

Suddenly, Kirk felt too overwhelmed.

There were too many people around him.

The clothing he wore were constricting… suffocatingly tight.

It felt as if too much energy was being expelled in the room.  

He needed to flee to his quarters.

Kirk stood up abruptly, “Mr. Spock, you have the conn,” Kirk gave the order while simultaneously walking toward the turbolift. He didn’t pause to look back at Spock, who undoubtedly would have been concerned. He decided to message Spock later to assure him he was okay.

-----

Except, he wasn’t okay.

He wasn't okay...

The sensations refused to go away. The second the Captain entered his room he stripped his clothes and any extra covers laying on his bed. He couldn’t bare the thought of blankets on top of his over hypersensitive skin… he increased the room temperature by a few degrees before getting into bed.

What is going on? he thought as he went through every single possibility that might have brought on the torment he was experiencing.

Frustrated and just down-right annoyed at that point, Kirk decided that he would pay the good doctor a visit if he didn’t feel any better by tomorrow morning...

Anyone who had served with the Captain long enough knew all too well the schemes he’d used throughout the years to get out of a simple routine physical. Kirk would use anything and anyone to get a valid excuse out of sickbay and back to command his beloved ship. The mere fact he thought of stepping foot into sickbay would have a been a surprise to anyone who knew him well enough, and a strong indicator of how seriously wrong and terrible he felt.

At this point, Kirk knew Spock had already contacted Dr. McCoy and mentioned his sudden exit from the bridge. If Spock hadn’t done so already, he knew it was only a matter of time. Jim and everyone on board expected no less of his First Officer… and his friend.

At the thought of Spock, Jim found himself somewhat calmer. After a couple of minutes of being absorbed in his fantasies, he returned to reality and gazed around his room. He was naked except for his black Starfleet issued briefs. He’d  thrown his bedding unceremoniously around the floor… as he looked toward his desk, his eyes caught sight of the mountain of data-padds. His momentary peace escaped him, and everything seemed unbearable again.

He felt small and alone.

Desperately alone.

-----

Seconds seemed like hours as he laid supine in the dark.

He looked to his side and stared at the chronometer. Hours had passed and still, the god-awful feeling had not subsided. He felt exhausted by the over-stimulation of everything around him. In his state of complete feebleness, he was looking forward to sleep. Sleep...sleep, offered an escape to his anguish, but at the rate that things were going… sleep seemed an impossible feat.

-----

“Captain… Jim.”

He heard a voice... Jim recognized the voice, but it sounded too far away.

“JIM”

“JIM!” The voice penetrated through his nightmare.

Jim jolted awake.

He was covered in cold sweat. The sheets were uncomfortably sticking to his back. His body was trembling, his muscles were in constant and painful spasms. It hurt to breathe... the air he took in pierced his nostrils like ammonia.

Jim touched the wetness he felt on his face and realized he’d been crying. His jaw was tight and his teeth were clenched shut.

He tried to look to the person who had spoken his name, but his vision was out of focus. Everything was jumbled in a blur of distorted shapes and colors. He immediately closed his eyes to regain some sanity.

Breathe

Breathe, he repeated the mantra to himself over and over.

Kirk had learned the steps necessary to regain control of his mind and body under the worst of situations. It was standard 101 in Starfleet training, but he was having an extraordinarily hard time in getting a grip.

Suddenly, Jim felt hands landing on his shoulders. The grip was strong. He instantly felt calmness radiate through the touch. A feeling of complete peace rippled along his arms, down his chest, toward his face and then his entire body. After a few seconds, Jim finally felt capable of taking a full breath. It felt as if a boulder had been lifted from his chest … it no longer hurt to breathe.

He was finally beginning to normalize. Still lying down,  Jim’s hand landed on top of the hand that was settled on his shoulder. While having his head tucked down toward his chest, he concentrated on the feeling of peace that was radiating from those hands. He desperately sought after the feeling, thanking the stars that he no longer hurt. He stayed in the same position for what seemed like an eternity, and after a few minutes, he drew his head up and slowly opened his eyes.  

He caught deep brown eyes.

Concern was clearly visible in the eyes that stared back.

Fortunately for Jim, Spock couldn’t hide anything from him. It had taken him a while, but he quickly figured out how to read the Vulcan, no matter how stoic he managed to look. He knew it was only a facade, and he took pride in the fact that he knew his first officer so well. While others saw an unfeeling and heartless alien, he recognized the depths of compassion in the Vulcan. To Jim’s heartbreak, he also saw the internal battle Spock fought everyday, between emotion and logic… between his Human and Vulcan half.

Jim’s eyes settled on the Vulcan’s again…

Shit. Spock looked very worried.

The Vulcan’s concern had spread from his rich colored eyes to the rest of his face. The changes were subtle, but Jim noticed his lips were pursed, as he did when challenged with a difficult problem, the creases on his forehead were barely pronounced, but still there.

It occurred to Jim that he wasn’t surprised that it was Spock who managed to calm him down. That it was Spock who was capable of resetting him.

Jim’s other hand found its place on the Vulcan’s forearm. While grabbing on, he intentionally emanated the gratefulness he felt at Spock’s sedative touch, knowing the Vulcan was capable of sensing the gratitude he felt.

“Jim, are you alright?” Spock asked, his voice was even-toned, but Kirk noticed the string of worry beneath it.

Jim swallowed hard before answering, his mouth was dry as a barren desert, “I am now. Whatever you did or doing... is helping. Thank you, Spock.” He momentarily closed his eyes and took another deep breath, still trying to regain complete control. He took another breath, he felt the Vulcan slowly run a hand down toward his lower arm, pulling away… As Kirk felt him withdraw, his eyes widened and rushed to grab his hand back, fearing that he would fall into the maddening abyss again if Spock let go.

Kirk vaguely thought about apologizing for initiating such an intimate touch, knowing full well that Spock valued his personal space and did not appreciate physical contact. But if Kirk were being honest, he never felt that the Vulcan’s demanded distance ever applied to him. After years of serving with him and surviving with him, touching Spock had become a comfort for Jim.

“Please… don’t leave, Spock” Jim’s voice was almost pleading. He grabbed onto the retreating hand, while his other hand gripped Spock’s forearm even tighter. Jim felt no shame in asking for comfort from his friend. He knew Spock would never judge, ridicule or shame him for his weakened and fragile state. They have seen one another through terrifying, dangerous and humiliating hardships, so when it came to Spock, all sense of modesty and restraint had left Jim long ago.

Jim wasn’t afraid of needing Spock. He had gotten over his fears when he finally realized that he had fallen in love with the Vulcan. He wasn’t exactly sure when his feelings for Spock transcended from a love that was based on friendship to a desire for something more. Of course, he had kept his feelings hidden from his friend for years; always fighting the urge to embrace and love the Vulcan the way he desired to, for fear of losing his best friend. But he needed Spock, Kirk knew he needed Spock now more than ever.

He felt Spock’s hand squeeze him in reassurance, “I will not leave you, Jim. I will stay as long you need me,” Spock’s voice was low and deep, the promise rang true with his words. Jim knew Spock wouldn't leave. Just listening to Spock was a tranquilizer for Jim.

The remnant worry was still evident in the Vulcan’s eyes. He realized that it was difficult for Spock to witness his previous erratic state, for he knew the feelings the Vulcan felt for him ran exceedingly deep. In their earlier years of service together, through Spock’s own admission, he had felt ashamed of his feelings of friendship toward Kirk. Now, to Jim’s amazement and relief, he unequivocally knew Spock valued and cherished their friendship without reservation, hesitancy or reluctance. Kirk treasured their friendship above all else, therefore admitting his romantic feelings to the Vulcan seemed impossible - for the time being. Jim had no motivation to deter their established friendship. Spock was too important for Jim to lose.

Spock’s hands still held him. Jim appreciated that Spock was emanating all the comfort and tranquility he was capable of giving through their physical touch. They have previously been in situations similar to this one before, and Jim was all too aware of the Vulcan’s emotional and suggestional transfer.

“Jim.” Spock spoke while looking directly into Jim’s eyes, “When did your symptoms begin?” Jim closed his eyes and thought back to when he initially suspected there was something wrong, “Five days ago. Although it got worse until just recently. I have no idea what could have brought this on Spock…” Jim looked at the Vulcan as if he held his answers… his cure.

“Jim, would you permit me to look into your mind?” Spock’s hand unconsciously found its way toward Jim’s face. His fingers finding their positions near his meld-points. Mind melds were only performed in the most serious of circumstances. Spock had once described Jim’s mind as dynamic… That same day, he informed Kirk of the link that formed between them. As Spock explained the origins of their link, Kirk was secretly and discreetly thrilled by the news, but to Jim’s disappointment, Spock had decided to shield their link in order to prevent emotional and thought transfer.

Now, he looked up at the Vulcan, “Please, do it, Spock,” Jim would always give Spock permission.

Jim brought the Vulcan hand that had drawn back toward his face again, his other hand continued to grip the Vulcan’s forearm. The pressure was applied to his meld points, Jim instantly felt Spock’s essence effortlessly enter his mind. As always, Jim was accepting and let the Vulcan in, he always looked forward to the brief moment where a soft light always lit their shared mind space.  

Jim, Kirk heard Spock’s being call out to him.

Spock

-----

The meld they shared was fairly light. They both sensed the other’s surface emotions and could completely control the thoughts they project.

Jim, I must go deeper. Do you grant me permission?

Spock projected his need to further investigate Jim’s mental facilities. At this query,  Jim had a fleeting moment of apprehension. He was afraid of revealing his unspoken feelings to the Vulcan, wanting to preserve their friendship and not scare Spock away with his human sentimentality.

Spock easily picked up on the Captain’s flashing uncertainty and projected emotions of calm to his Captain once more.

Jim, do not worry. I will avoid unnecessary intrusion.

Yes.

Jim would never deny Spock. Once again, he felt Spock deepen the meld. Their minds were compatible, as they both felt how easy it was for Spock to move through Jim’s mind space. Spock had also taken the initiative to lower his mental shields, in order to perceive Jim’s experiences and emotions as he did, this would allow him to understand exactly where the root of these dark emotions rooted from.

I see … Spock was beginning to understand and entered even deeper.

It was inescapable…

In order for Spock to perform a mind-meld as deep as was required, both had to let go of their inhibitions… their bond intensified everything, and that was when Jim felt it. Kirk felt him everywhere. Surrounding him and encompassing his soul and being. Kirk was bared wide open to see, unable to hide his thoughts, wants, desires and fears, pleasures or weaknesses. Spock witnessed him in his rawest form. He felt unashamed because he was not alone in his display… Jim saw Spock, saw his struggles, battles, love, compassion, and loyalty… and love.

Love Spock felt toward Jim.

Amusement and content encircled them. Both of them no longer had the will to shelter the emotions they hid from each other for so long… for so long. Jim’s heart constricted when he felt Spock smile in their meld, and he was grateful for the privilege to feel his Vulcan in his truest form.

Oh Spock, Jim was in a pleasant daze, and with a new sense of focus, Spock reverted back into Jim’s mind to find the root cause of his affliction. Jim knew the exact moment Spock found the answer and relief encompassed them both. With some reluctance, Spock started to withdraw from Jim’s mind. Jim felt as they reverted back into the stages of reality… They began to perceive their physical surroundings, the different smells in the recycled air, they sensed their closeness and touch.

Strangely and yet wonderfully, Jim continued to feel Spock just in the recesses of his mind. Jim was still lying on the bed and during their meld, Spock had unconsciously leaned forward, their foreheads were now pressed together. Spock’s hands found their way toward Jim’s temple and caressed through his hair. When Jim opened his eyes, he couldn’t help but smile brightly at the rich and passionate eyes that he encountered. His skin tingled everywhere Spock touched, he realized it was because the link was no longer shielded.

The light bond radiated between both men. Jim began to speak, looking directly into Spock’s eyes “I - I…” he had to gather himself, “Thank you, Spock” Now that Jim knew the answer to his dilemma, he no longer felt lost. Spock understood his sentiment without needing to hear him say the words out loud. The hand that Jim used to grip the Vulcan’s forearm throughout the meld slowly lowered to the his side, eventually landing on top of the Vulcan heart. Spock’s other hand traveled up Kirk’s chest, resting exactly where Jim’s heart was. They were both content in their brief moment of silence. Each of them grateful and equally bewildered of the love they’ve been concealing from one another.

They held each other for a long while, Spock’s other hand continued to move through the Captain’s hair. Both of them were lost in silent wonderment

None of them realized the Captain’s door open.

-----

“For god sakes Jim, you’re the Captain! You just can’t go running around being sick and not let me know, I’m you’re CMO, dammit! The damn green hobgoblin had to… uhh... “ McCoy stopped and stared at the scene in front of him.

Spock and Jim turned their heads to catch sight of a wide-eyed doctor, who stood frozen in complete shock. Spock straightened himself to a more appropriate position. At the same time, Jim sat up from the bed and leaned onto the headrest. Both of their hands slipped out of their embrace, but Jim made sure to maintain some physical contact with Spock, his fingertips stretched out to find Spock’s, and lightly touched his hand.

“Umm. I’ll come back,” McCoy stuttered out. It was painfully obvious that McCoy had the misfortune to stumble upon such a private moment, his body appeared ready to sprint away. But before he completely turned away, Jim called out to him, “Bones, wait! I’m alright.” Jim said with a smile, “...turns out the Halanan ambassador accidently projected his emotions while the negotiations. It looks like I wasn’t quite capable of handling the emotional transfer”

“How are you so sure that it's the Halanan emotional transfer and not something else entirely?” McCoy asked, intrigued by Jim’s response. Before Jim could answer, Spock took over, “St-El unknowingly transmitted his emotional qualms in joining the federation to the Captain. The Halanan people, like Vulcans, have the capability to project their emotions, but do not practice mental shielding. To most psi-nulls, the Halanan’s projection would have no effect, but in this case, Jim was highly susceptible to their unintentional projection. Those projections were highly negative emotions, the most prevalent being; uncertainty. As I remember it they were quite… loud.” After Spock’s explanation, McCoy still looked unconvinced, Jim on the other hand looked at the Vulcan with concern, realizing that Spock had experienced discomfort while on their mission and failed to mention it to Jim.

Accepting the explanation, but not at all content, McCoy silently moved toward the Captain and scanned him up and down with his medical scanner. He looked at the results and mumbled, “Everything looks normal.” He looked at the Captain, then at Spock, and raised an eyebrow. He straightened and turned his attention back to Jim, “the results are showing normal physical results. Either way, I’m ordering a brain scan first thing tomorrow morning,” the doctor informed the Captain with the quintessences of medical professionalism. McCoy gave no goodbye, nor did he give the chance to be given one, he abruptly turned and left the room, all but mumbling under his breath, “I need a drink...”  

-----

After McCoy had left, Kirk took advantage of Spock’s inattention and reached for the Vulcan’s hand. He moved it toward his face and planted a kiss on the palm of his hand. Jim looked up from the hand he held up toward his friends eyes. What he saw there left him in awe. The rich colored eyes held immense amounts of warmth and tenderness. Jim couldn’t help but to reach a hand toward the Vulcan and hold his cheek, his thumb was softly caressing his jaw line.

Kirk’s hand found its way up to the top of the Vulcan’s hair, stroking near his temple. Kirk did not dare to think too much about what was currently unfolding. He would have thought himself a delusional lunatic if someone would have told him someday he would have the privilege to share such intimate touches with his dear friend.

Lost in his thoughts, Jim was caught by surprise when warm lips captured his, he swiftly reciprocated the kiss and pressed his body against Spock’s lean muscular frame.

Spock noticed Jim’s new found enthusiasm and leaned into the kiss.

Jim gripped the other’s shoulders and pulled Spock down the bed with him. Their embrace was fulfilling, their tongues intertwined, searching to satisfy, and to fill the other’s wants. Kirk felt happiness that wasn’t his own, he also felt eagerness for more than physical contact.

Jim heard Spock moan deep into his mouth. They both shifted so they laid side by side, facing each other. Jim took his time to explore and admire the Vulcan’s strong body, praising the heat the radiated from his skin.

While lost in the ardor of their kisses and touch, Jim suddenly pulled back, “Spock, how did you know to come here? How did you know something was wrong?” Jim whispered the words while nibbling at the Vulcan’s throat, his sudden curiosity got the better of him.

Spock moved to give Jim better access to his throat, he thoroughly enjoyed the sensations the human awakened in him, “I felt your mind call out to me,” Spock whispered back, the control in his voice was fully intact,  “as I have mentioned before Jim, your mind is a dynamic one.” Spock said as he inhaled the scent of the human, making sure he savored Jim’s unique clean and musky scent.

Jim pulled back and stared into the Vulcan’s eyes. He wanted to make sure that Spock had no intention of shielding their link again. The sensation that he felt in the recesses of his mind was undoubtedly Spock’s consciousnesses. Jim had come to know the gift of sharing such a vulnerable and intimate presence, if it were to vanish, Jim could not find himself to bare such loneliness again.

Spock felt Jim’s worry through their link and immediately sent feelings of calm and reassurance, “I will not leave you, Jim, I have no intention of shielding the link once more” Spock softly answered the Captain’s qualm, while his fingers found their way back to the golden locks again.

Jim smiled, stretched his body and felt relieved as his tense muscles once again relaxed. He leaned his head toward his mate and enjoyed the possibility of their future together.

-----

It had been three days since the Captain’s incident. McCoy’s reviewed the brain scans, which revealed that everything was within Jim’s normal parameters. Much to the Captain’s dismay, the good Doctor also took advantage and ordered a complete physical. Overall, the Captain seemed perfectly normal, but…

The crew noticed a change.