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Kylo was shaking as he returned to his quarters. He should’ve been elated: Skywalker was dead, he had killed Snoke and taken his throne, and the Resistance had taken heavy losses. Yet he’d failed. His emotions, as always, had overcome him and it was his fault the Resistance still lived at all. He’d fought a fucking mirage for stars knew how long while the Resistance had escaped right in front of them.
His breathing was fast and shallow as he circled the room, anger, self-hatred, and shame surging within him. The energy built in Kylo’s chest, the pressure building until it lanced down his limbs, relentless in its intensity. It was too much the same way it was always too much. He needed it to stop, to get it out now.
The first target was his table with its few scattered objects. Kylo swept them off, hearing one of the items shatter as they all crashed to the floor. He didn’t know exactly what he was destroying and it didn’t matter. He’d been taught both repression and violence when it came to managing his emotions and Kylo knew which one he preferred.
He needed more, though, needed to go until his body hurt, aching from overexertion, until all the rage and pain he felt inside were drained. Just when Kylo had put his hand on his lightsaber, intending to unclip it from his belt and unleash it upon his walls, his door chimed. Kylo whirled, both shocked and angry that someone would disturb him now. Who would dare?
When Hux walked in, Kylo’s eyes locked on the obvious bruises on his neck and he snarled, “Get out!”
It was barely noticeable, but Hux froze for a fraction of a second. It wasn’t quite fear he showed, but rather a logical caution around something he knew to be a threat. Kylo couldn’t blame him; the way he’d treated Hux was just a testament to how out of control he was. It had been painfully clear in the shuttle that he needed Hux and attacking him twice within the span of a few hours was not a good way to start their new working relationship.
There was, of course, also the other bit. Prior to Jakku and all of the fateful events that had brought them to today, they’d found that a mutual working out of tension benefitted them both. Most of the time, it had been desperate, almost violent trysts that left them both sore and bruised, but there had been flickers of almost tenderness. Intimacy built between two men who had no one else and thus had turned to each other out of sheer desperation. And as much as Hux did frequently enrage him, as much as their rivalry had never ceased, Kylo had come to crave feeling close to someone, even if it could never mean anything more than that.
With how he’d acted, though, Kylo knew he’d never experience that again, at least not with Hux. And he more than deserved it.
“Supreme Leader,” Hux started, his lips twisting ever so slightly as he said it, as if he’d just tasted something dreadful but was trying to spare the cook’s feelings, “I understand this is a bad time, but we still have a number of damaged ships and panicked crews. The Resistance did successfully call for reinforcements and it is possible those could arrive, late as they are. We need to regroup quickly.”
“Then regroup,” Kylo spat, just wanting Hux to leave him be. “I don’t have time for this right now.”
Kylo was trembling from the effort of holding it in, but even under his own torrent of emotions, he could feel the current of Hux’s in the room. Hux had never been easy to read unless Kylo was trying, his emotions too effectively buried, but now Hux’s anger was so thick in the air Kylo could almost taste it. Hux wanted him gone, wanted him dead. Kylo couldn’t blame him and he also couldn’t help but wonder if things would be better off that way.
Hux took a breath before speaking again, likely steeling himself. “If you’re going to be our new Leader, then you need to lead. While I am both capable and willing to do so in your stead, you must realize what that would look like. We cannot be fractured. We cannot let either side see our weakness.”
While Hux had said ‘our’, Kylo heard ‘your’. And he was right. The emotional tide inside surged again and Kylo could barely hold himself back. A part of him screamed to destroy the room while another wanted to take it out on Hux, but Kylo would not. He would do better. He would not lose control like that again. But he needed something.
Before he could think about what he was doing, Kylo leveled Hux with a steady stare. “Enough. Why don’t you do what you’re thinking about doing already?”
Now Hux blanched. “What are you talking about?”
“You know what!” Kylo couldn’t stop himself from shouting. “Do what we both know you want to.”
Kylo had infused the last words with just enough of the Force to have Hux stepping forward, obeying instantly. This wouldn’t make things right, wouldn’t fix things between them, Kylo knew that. He knew there was nothing he could do to repair this but at the very least he could apologize, in his own way.
Hux walked up to him, still affected by Kylo’s Force persuasion. He slid the knife Kylo had known about out of his sleeve and grasped it tightly. Without even a moment’s hesitation, Hux then drove the knife into Kylo’s stomach.
Kylo gasped. As soon the as the pain hit, blood flowed and the anger, guilt, and anguish went out with it. It was a cleansing pain, the same rush Kylo got when he punched his knuckles bloody. More than that, though, he hoped Hux would understand his intent.
Hux blinked a few times, stepping back. “I didn’t… You… What the fuck, Ren?!”
Kylo inhaled deeply, savouring the ache in his gut as Hux slipped the knife out. “There. Now we’re even.”
Hux just stared at him. Kylo could feel the blood soaking into his tunic. It didn’t feel like it’d hit anywhere vital, so he wasn’t worried, and his head was so much quieter now that it was worth whatever damage it did do.
“Technically,” Hux said, pausing to lick his lips, “you attacked me twice.”
Kylo nearly rolled his eyes; it was so like Hux to argue the terms of payback. But he was flying high on pain and endorphins, so instead Kylo spread his arms in invitation. They could do this. They could forget the past and still work together. Even if the other parts never happened again, Kylo would find a way to manage. He just needed something to end up right today.
Hux took his time, as if assessing exactly where he wanted to strike. Then, without warning, he thrust the knife in again, nearly in the same spot on the other side of Kylo’s stomach, close to the bowcaster scar. Kylo groaned, fresh pain bursting through his torso. Any vestiges of anger he had left drained away as Hux pulled the knife out a second time.
“There,” he said, staring at the twin spots of blood-soaked fabric, “now we’re even.”
Kylo would’ve smiled if he weren’t grimacing in pain. “Do you still want to kill me?”
“Yes, but only a bit more than usual now. You’re still infuriating. You still usurped the throne.” Despite his words, Hux almost looked pleased.
There was a beat where neither of them moved, Kylo slightly hunched over and Hux still holding the bloodied knife, but then Hux was striding to the refresher. When he returned, he had a medkit and damp cloth in hand. Kylo just watched him, confused.
“Get on the bed,” Hux ordered. “You’re an idiot, Ren.”
The combination of his emotions settling and the pain left Kylo too tired to fight, so he did as he was told, laying back on his bed. Hux perfunctorily opened up his tunic, revealing the two neat cuts. Hux’s blade was sharp, designed for effortless use and quick, quiet kills. There would be no extraneous damage inside.
Hux sat on the edge of the bed, opening the medkit and pulling out bacta and bandages. His hands were steady and precise as he applied them, just as Kylo would’ve expected. It was surprisingly pleasant, being tended to with soft but efficient touches. For the first time since all of this had started, Kylo felt almost relaxed.
“Once I patch you up, you still need to give the orders,” Hux said as he finished cleaning up and bandaging the first wound. “If you’re going to take command, you need act like it.”
Kylo just nodded and closed his eyes. Now that the reality had set in and the adrenalin drained, Kylo realized exactly what he’d done. He was the Supreme Leader now. It was up to him to ensure the First Order succeeded. The thought soured his relaxation a little; had he truly wanted this, or had it merely been an instinctual grab for power?
It didn’t matter, he supposed. It was already done and now he had to deal with the consequences. Figuring it out could wait at least until he’d had some sleep.
“There,” Hux said, and Kylo was pulled out of his thoughts by the realization that Hux had finished bandaging him. “You should be fine if you let those heal. I didn’t hit you anywhere vital.”
Kylo just nodded again, overcome by exhaustion. How long had it been since he’d stopped, since he’d had a moment to just rest? He didn’t know anymore. Hux surely must’ve felt similarly. Seeing the dark circles under his eyes that matched the bruises, Kylo didn’t know how Hux was still standing, let alone looking so alert.
“We can’t keep doing this,” Hux said quietly, as if to himself. “One of us is going to kill the other eventually.”
“I won’t do it again,” Kylo said, voice heavy with conviction. “I swear.”
Hux nodded in understanding as he pulled his hands away and stood, looking calmer than when he’d entered. “Good. Now, what are your orders, Supreme Leader?”
“My first order is for you to take care of the regrouping effort,” Kylo said, ignoring Hux’s scowl. “And my second order is for you to do so as my Grand Marshal.”
Hux stopped, full-on froze for a long moment. Kylo just continued to watch him, waiting for the realization to hit.
“Are you certain?” His tone was low, the words almost accusatory and Kylo had no doubt that Hux would do something more fatal with the knife if he took this back.
“Yes. It’s yours, Hux. I know you don’t like this, but I need you.”
A small smile flickered on Hux’s face before he got it under control. “I appreciate it, Ren.”
Hux gave Kylo’s shoulder a soft, lingering touch on his way out and Kylo couldn’t help but wonder at it. Once Hux was gone, he shifted onto his side, wincing when the movement pulled on his new wounds. It was worth it. He was calm now and Hux seemed to have forgiven him. And if that final touch was anything to go on, perhaps the hope of returning to their former arrangement hadn’t been crushed after all. If he could have Hux by his side, in every way he wanted to, Kylo thought he just might be able to do this.