Work Text:
Steve enters the library where Bucky works, planning to surprise him on his lunch break. He unzips his winter coat and takes off his hat covered with snow. A storm is expected for the night and the wind is already blowing snow into large drifts outside.
Wanda sits alone at the front desk, reading in the quiet of the empty building. She smiles at Steve and points out to the history section, guessing who Steve is looking for. After spending Christmas Eve and the following day together, Bucky went back to his apartment because it's easier for him and his dog to stick to their routine.
Steve walks happily to Bucky who is sitting at a table with a small pile of books in front of him. As he gets closer, Steve has the sudden feeling that something isn't right. Behind his smile, Bucky looks tired and worried. His lunch remains untouched on the table, and Winter, his service dog, is nowhere to be seen.
"Hey, Buck! How are you this morning?" Steve signs hesitantly as he speaks. He's motivated to learn ASL so that Bucky isn't always the one who needs to make the efforts when they are together. "Where is Winter?"
When Steve mentions Winter, Bucky's face falls. He shuts his eyes and rubs his temple. When he opens his eyes, Steve sees worry all over his face.
"Buck?" But Bucky doesn't answer. "Bucky?" Steve inquires louder, not caring if there's anyone around. "What's wrong? Where is Winter?"
With his shaky and stammering voice, he tells Steve that Winter was sick and that he kept him up all night. Since he was working half a shift today, he left him to rest at his apartment.
"Why didn't you text me?"
"I - I d-don't know. I ff-forgot." He looks down, ashamed. "I'm not-not used to this." He closes his right hand and rotates it clockwise over his chest. "S-ss-sorry."
Steve puts a knee down to the floor to be at Bucky's height and pulls him into a comforting hug, running up and down his hand on Bucky's back. He pushes back a little to look at Bucky's face.
"Did you walk all by yourself to get here this morning?"
Bucky sits back and nods his head. Steve notices how he's avoiding his eyes. When he finally answers Steve's question, his speech is even more broken and harder to understand than usual, and Steve hates having to ask Bucky to repeat. He tells Steve about being too worried and distracted and how he got lost on his way and that he had to ask a woman how to get to the library. Steve hears the frustration in his voice.
"Sh-she m-mu-ust b-be happy n-now. Pr-pro-ba-b-bly thinks she's M-mother T-Theresa, helping a p-poor re-tt, re-tt," he sighs, mad at himself, "a poor re-tarted cr-cripple."
"Bucky! James! That's enough!" Hearing his real name has the electroshock effect Steve was hoping for, and Bucky stops rambling. Steve extends his arm and runs his fingers through Bucky's messy hair before standing up. He unhooks Bucky's messenger bag from the back of his chair. He shoves Bucky's notebook, pencils, and his untouched lunch back in it.
"I am going to tell Wanda you need to leave. We're going to your place to check on Winter. He means a lot to you, and there is no fucking way I'll let you talk about yourself this way again. You hear me?"
~*~
As soon as Bucky opens his little apartment's door, Steve sees Winter laying on his favorite blanket. He's too weak to stand up by himself but still wags his tail at the sight of his master.
Bucky rushes to his side and pets him, murmuring that he's a good boy and that he'll be alright. Steve kneels by Bucky's side and checks Winter, who whines as soon as Steve touches his belly.
"I'm sorry pal. I know. I know it hurts. I'm sorry." Steve tries to sound reassuring as he runs his fingers through Winter's black fur. "Bucky, I think we'd better take him to the vet. He's not doing well at all."
Bucky nods and stands up. He gathers Winter's belonging: his leash, his favorite toy, and his vest just in case, and shoves everything into a backpack larger than his usual messenger bag. When he hears Steve calling a cab on his cell phone, Bucky's face loses all color He shakes his head desperately to tell Steve that he doesn't want this, but Steve, conscious of the gravity of the situation, ignores him and kneels back by Winter's side as he hangs up his phone.
Bucky is panicked, and Steve sees horror all over his face when he looks over his shoulder before picking Winter up the floor.
"No - no - no ta-taxi. Can't -ca -can't. I can't. No car."
"Buck, Winter is too sick to walk. I don't understand. Why don't you want to take a taxi? It will be much faster." Steve suddenly remembers how Bucky lost his parents. "Shit, I'm sorry Bucky. Look, I'm going to go with him, and I’ll call you as soon as possible. I'm sure he'd prefer to have you by his side though."
Bucky shakes his head vigorously.
"Listen, I know you are terrified right now, but Winter needs you to be brave, okay? Plus, I'll be by your side."
Bucky bites on his lower lip. With a weary look on his face, he eventualy nods and signs his one hand version of Let's go.
The cab is already waiting outside. Bucky sits nervously in the backseat with Steve, Winter's head resting on his lap. He holds his dog like his life depends on it. Steve keeps telling him softly and repeatedly that he's safe, and that's he's doing great. The streets are slippery because of the mix of icy rain and snow, but they make it quick to the closest veterinarian hospital.
~*~
On their arrival at the urgent care clinic, Winter’s breathing is labored, and the staff takes charge of him immediately. Steve explains as well as he can what Bucky told him earlier, and they are asked to go to the waiting room while the doctor examines Winter and performs imagery testing.
Once settled, Steve looks at Bucky. Sadness is clouding his face. There is a deep line between his knitted brows, and his glossy eyes stare absently at the floor in front of him.
A long hour flies by before they can hear footsteps coming their way. Steve shakes Bucky's shoulder softly, but no reaction comes out of Bucky, who's been fighting tears since they arrived.
"Buck? Bucky? You're with me?" Bucky startles under Steve's firmer touch and looks at him, confused. He's barely keeping it together, and it breaks Steve's heart to see him like this. "The doctor is back. Want to hear how's Winter's doing?" Bucky's eyes stare back at the floor. Steve is not even sure he understood what he just asked him, but Bucky nods absently.
Steve stands up when the doctor offers his hand and introduces himself as Dr. Bruce Banner. Steve helps Bucky getting up.
"Thanks for taking care of Winter. This is James Barnes; Winter is his service dog." Dr. Banner looks at Bucky with compassion and offers him his hand, but Bucky ignores it and avoids eye contact altogether.
The veterinarian explains that Winter will have to be hospitalized and treated aggressively for gastric torsion and that once his heartbeat is stabilized, he'll need a gastric decompression. Steve watches Bucky closely and notices how his jaw clenches and tears fill his eyes when the doctor mentions surgery. He almost misses the doctor’s encouraging words as he leans forward and hugs his boyfriend tightly. Bucky rests his head on Steve's shoulder and sobs in silence.
"Hey, you heard that? Winter is under good care. The doctor says he'll be fine and that we got here on time."
It takes a few minutes for Bucky to calm himself down and even his breath. Steve helps him sign some papers before they return to Bucky's apartment. After witnessing how terrified Bucky was to be sitting in a car, Steve aims directly at the nearest subway station even though it would mean that the trip back would take twice as long and a considerate amount of walking. They are both wet and chilled to the bone when Bucky's shaking hand unlocks his apartment door.
Bucky didn't sign or say a single word since he sat in the taxi on their way to the veterinarian hospital, and Steve begins to worry.
"Bucky? I understand you're afraid, but you've heard what the doctor said. Winter is out of danger, and soon enough he'll be by your side. Until then, why don't you come spend the next couple of days with me at my place? Tomorrow is New Year's Eve, and I'd like to be with my boyfriend. I know you're worried, but there's no way in hell that I'll let you stay alone in this apartment."
Bucky looks even more pained at Steve's offer. Steve is lost and can't understand why Bucky is closing up on himself like this. He feels helpless and can't come up with anything to say. He hates himself for thinking that love might not be enough to deal with Bucky's mental condition. His first reaction would be to leave Bucky alone, since this is what he seems to want, but something deep in his heart tells him that right now, Bucky needs him more than ever, even though he acts like he's trying to push him away.
Bucky is standing by the living room window, chewing nervously on his lower lip while staring mindlessly outside at the snow covered street. Steve walks closer to him but respects his personal space.
"I'm - I'm sorry Bucky. I didn't ask you what you wanted, and that's selfish of me. You have a lot of worries on your mind right now. Please, don't push me away. Is there anything I can do?" Steve pleads. "I know it's hard for you, but you have to speak to me. I know you can. You're the bravest man I know, Buck."
Bucky's eyelashes flicker. He looks down at his limp arm and covers his crooked, spastic hand. It's the first time he's self-conscious about his disabled arm in front of Steve, and that breaks Steve’s heart. To Bucky's complete muteness, Steve lets out a loud defeated breath. He stays there, slipping into his downward spiral of self-doubt. He finally turns on his heels, and he's about to leave when he hears Bucky's soft stammering voice. He looks over his shoulder and stares into his grey eyes, unsure of what is about to come next.
"Steve?" Bucky's voice is shaking. There is so much pain in Bucky's eyes; his lower lip quivers. He’s trying to hold back the tears, but they kept running down his face.
"Yes, Buck?"
"I - I'll nev-never b-be nor-m-normal. This." Bucky shakes his head. "No. I - I am not w-what you de-deserve. I'll al-w-ways b-be a burden. You-you..." He turns back and stares out the window, avoiding Steve’s sad eyes. "It-it kills me to se-see you wasting yo-your t-time with m-me."
Steve is taken aback by what Bucky just said. He pauses, weighting his words before asking Bucky if that is indeed what he wants. The silence that follows is heavy. Steve feels like his world is tumbling down - again. Bucky is right. Going out with a person with special needs like Bucky takes adjustments. He's right when he says that he'll never get better. Steve will always zigzag between Bucky's need for independence and his need for support for what might look like a simple task to others. He’s aware of Bucky’s total lack of experience in a romantic relationship but it’s obvious to Steve that Bucky craves for love just like any normal human being. Unsure that Bucky knows how strong love can be, Steve asks again if that is what he really wants.
"Bucky, if you want me to leave you alone, just tell me so, and I'll go, but... But I love you just the way you are. You're what I've been missing all my life." Steve is crushed. He feels the world closing down on him. Bucky turns and looks into his eyes while Steve tries to steady his breath. When Bucky shakes his head no, Steve rushes to Bucky's side and pulls him into a tight hug. Bucky grabs Steve's shirt and cries in silence while Steve holds him against his chest.
After many long minutes, Bucky cranes his neck and asks Steve in a whisper. "Wh-why is my-my life s-so hard?"
"I don't know Buck. But you don't have to go through this alone anymore."
Bucky steps back reluctantly when Steve's phone buzzes. Steve sighs in relief and smiles before thanking Dr. Banner and hanging his phone.
"Winter is out of surgery and doing well. They will have to keep him for a few days, and he will need to rest when he comes back home, but he's fine, Buck!"
Tears of joy roll down Bucky's cheek. Steve opens his arms and Bucky embraces him, then signs something that Steve understands perfectly.
"Me too, Buck... Me too." Steve whispers. "I love you."