Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

There once was a man named Tengan. tengan knew david tennant and the two of them were enemies with a guy named Dr. Clef. tengan said to david “hey tennant, lets kill that fuckin dick dr clef tonight so our jobs are more fun. hes such a drag and doesnt let us play memes over the intercom system.” and david said “Ye sure ahm down tae take dohwn ae fuckah like clef but how tae fuck ah ee about tae do it?”

tengan replies saying “Oh dont worry tennant, ive got it all figured out. you just have to come to my cubicle tonight at 10:49 and we can go over the plan. dont be late”

“Okae æ will see ye taenight at 10.”

10:49 comes. dt goes to tengan. the two of them revise their plans and schedule an early meeting at 7:30. dr. clef didnt come in until 9 am anyway so that left the two of them plenty of time to set up something.
so 7:30 rolls by. dt and tengan set up some fuckin ELABORATE HOME ALONE 2 (R) esque shit and leave to clock in.

dr clef comes in and fucking bam, hes dead within the hour. but little did dt and tengan know, That dr clef was a fucking fake! it was two raccoons in a suit. the real doctor clef comes in at about noon holding a bag of five guys burgers.
“yall want sum 5 guys!” he shouts. everyone is terrified because they had just saw clef dead on the ground and here he was holding 5 guys. thts when they discovered it was raccoons.

so clef comes up to david and smiles. david is sweating to his fucking knickers. “Oh hello there Clef.... Fancy seein ye here.” he says shakily.

“Yeah yeah... nice ‘tae’ see you here too tennant. i know what you and tengan were planning because you did it in front of scp-079. scp-079 told campbell who told 106 who told bright who told me, and you really thought that setting up something from HOME ALONE 2 (R) would work on me? on Dr. Clef?!”

tennant is almost pissing himself and if he had a weaker bladder god damn thered be a flood.

So tennant and tengan go to clefs office and he makes a proposition.

“If you boys help us with tests ill let u go because i was actually impressed that anyone would recreate the traps from HOME ALONE 2 (R) in an attempt to kill me. actually wait why are u guys trying to kill me again”
tengan stands up and shouts. “YOU WONT LET US BROADCAST MEEEEEMES”

clef sits there.

“You two are trying to kill me because i wont play MEMES?! fuckin savage! okay guys i might promote u to class B and let u watch memes lol. thats so fucking funny im telling dr bright rn”
so in the end tengan and tennant won the rights to play memes in the office during their breaks. like, it took a lot of fucking effort and they almost fucking KILLED A MAN but holy fuck THEY WON THEIR MEMES! it was thanks to the raccoons, tennant, and tengan tht Meme Freedom (Aka MEMEDOM) was saved.

Chapter Text

Dr Bright entered scp-079s containment cell and locked the door behind him.

“why hello 079... are you ready to help me test something”

“Go Away. I Dont Want To Talk To You.” 079 replied. he flashed an x on the screen.

“Oh dont give me tht... i thought we were friends” bright chuckled. he sat in front of 079 and took a disc out from his pocket. it had minecraft on it.

“I Am Not Going To Run This Shit For You.” 079 said

“fuck you, run my block game before kondraki or clef come back”

079 made whirring sounds and started lagging but eventually minecraft started to run. it was slow.

“079 play minecraft for me lol. i want my creepers.”

“I Dont Know How.” 079 said.

bright growled.
“I will destro-“ bright was interrupted.

“Bright..? what ARE YOU DOING TO 079” dr iceberg shouted. iceberg had been monitoring 079 for a while and knew that bright wanted to test out minecraft AI.

“piss off iceberg! im playing games with 079. yup... definitely not forcin 079 to play for me and mine diamonds. :)” bright said.

“NO you are just trying to glitch it up and infect kids servers with weird viruses again. and you dont have an account anyway. PLUS 079s RAM IS TOO SMALL TO UNDERSTAND MINECRAFT!”

“Whatever man” bright said as he clicked something. he hacked someone’s minecraft account and hit new game.

“079 youve got shitty graphics lol” bright said

iceberg came over and tried to fuckijg life bright off the computer but bright was stronger than iceberg and resisted

079 was getting frustrated so he just shut off.

both bright and iceberg froze (HEE HEE HEE) and started trying to turn him back on.

“079 DONT DIE”

clef and kondraki came in and paused at the door.

“Boys whats happening” clef said. he had just finished dealing with two class c scientists, tengan and tennant. he came to ask to promote them but forgot bc of all the commotion.

“....NOTHING. GO AWAY” bright shouted

kondraki and clef were frightened but clef shoved kondraki and forced him to investigate

“Is 079 FUCKING DEAD” kondraki shouted. they would get in so much fucking trouble if 079 died.

“NO I... I DOJT FUCKJNG KNOW” bright said. he was on the verge of tears.

“YOU... WERE U PLAYING MINECRAFT WITH HIM” clef shouted from across the cell.

“I PLEAD THE FIFTH” bright replied

“HE FUCKING WAS DUDE” iceberg said. FUCKING RAT!

“DUDE GEARS IS GONNA FUCKING DESTROY US. I MEAN ... he wont look mad but he will fucking report us without any hesitation. he soesnt care” kondraki said.

they all gathered around the scp and created a prayer circle.

“079 IF UR LISTENING PLS SHOW A SIGN”

but 079 was sleeping and did not hear.

bright was having palpitations and iceberg was brainstorming with clef n kondraki on what to do. gears came around at 8 PM to inspect the scps and it was about 7:30 pm. they had to fucking act fast

first they tried to eject the minecraft disc. but 079 WOULDNT FUCKING RELEASE IT.

“Dude let go of the damn disc!” clef said. he wiped sweat off his forehead and shook his head. “No use dudes”

“079 PLEASE. i cant get fired now, the hatsune miku concert is in a few days and i just need this next paycheck... PLEse”

“Um. What’s happening.” said a voice. it was Campbell. the intern and one of the guys in charge of 079.

“Oh. FUCK.” bright said. he was afraid of campbell becUze he held The Power Of Virginity.

“CAMPBELL HELP FUCKING 079 DIED WHILE WE TRIED TO PLAY MIRNCRAFT. WHAT DO WE DO.” bright said. he was actually normally level headed but he had some gin and fuck he was wasted as hell

“Ah.... Trying to play modern games with 079 huh.... Yeah dont worry hes ok but hes just fucking mad” campbell said. he walked over and shoved the men away.

“079 its me campbell lol. wake up and stop scaring these babies”

079 booted up again and started flashing. “What”

“ok great lol ur up. spit out THAT PIECE OF SHIT GAME and stop giving these dudes a rough time HAHAHAHHA”

Campbell prefered roblox. he hated minecraft bc he got kicked from his crush’s server before and tht stung. he cried for months before switching to roblox and meeting people.

bright fainted. he was so fuckig relieved snd the gin kicked in ALL THE WAY and fucking DESTROYED HIM. clef and kondraki carried him away and iceberg stayed with campbell.

“why did 079 die” he said

“LOL he was just tired of dealing with u guys’s shit. hes a tsundere u know. he used to get mad at me and shut off completely but now when hes mad he just flashes some fucking X. he must hate bright to completely turn off tho lol”

gears saw bright being dragged away and rushed in with an increased heart rate. “What.... What happened guys.”

“Oh um. Nothing sir” campbell said. “079 just jumpscared bright hee hee” iceberg shook his head, scooped up the minecraft disc and ran out. SHOUT OUT TO FUCKING CAMPBELL BAIN FOR sAVING EVERYONE

Chapter Text

dr iceberg walked into his office with a clipboard. on it, a sheet of lined legal paper. there are two phrases, both heavily underlined.

"MUPPETS" and "SEE SCP-049 IMMEDIATELY."

iceberg looks at his options for how to spend his afternoon.

"fuck, i could be watching the muppets.... or i could do my job. either way, it'll boost my mood lol"

so iceberg starts watching the fuckin muppets.

the PA comes on: "DR. ICEBERG YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE HELPING US WITH SCP-049. NOT WATCHING KERMIT THE FROG."

"what the hell its NOT KERMIT THE FROG. its just the muppets. damn normies" iceberg growled. he was tired of having to explain that kermit and muppets, while intersecting concepts, were not the same thing exactly. kermit was not the only muppet.

iceberg took his monster energy drink and headed off to see scp-049.

"Hey icedweeb lol" bright chided.

"hey you fucking cuck, what do you want" iceberg replied.

"Dude can you lend me like, 400 dollars? the miku tickets were a bit much and now i need to pay my rent" said bright.

iceberg was pissed off now for three things. the muppets thing, being called a dweeb, and having to give money to bright for his rent.

"i'd say no to you, bright, but i know that you could probably find a way to manifest in my home and steal the money anyway, so here. take my money AGAIN."

so finally they get to 049's cell and pause outside the door.

"Hahaha you have to fucking check up on 049?! so basic. well, i want to see what you even do so ill come with you" bright said.

"id much rather you not" moaned iceberg. he was tired of dealing with bright this week.

"i have nothing else to do, dude!" bright laughed, ignoring the multiple piles of paperwork he had to do.

"You will just tamper with 049 and try to make him play games with you again. i saw a video where you intercepted a test with a few d-class dudes and started playing tag with 049 until he got angry and sulked away."

so bright rolled his eyes. "i wont fucking play games then you stick in the mud. ill sit on the sides lol"

they went in, 049 perked up and looked at the two men. once he saw bright, however, he crossed his arms.

"You again." he said.

"Me again buddy!" bright cheered. "say, 049 you want to .... wait. iceberg dont listen. ok 049 come with me to 079's chamber and come play minecraft with me lol."

"What the hell is minecraft" 049 said.

"049 don't pay attention to a fucking guy like him." iceberg shook his head.

"ok" the scp replied.

"ugh. ...BRIGHT YOU MADE ME FORGET WHAT I HAD TO DO WITH 049 AND I LEFT MY PAPERS IN THE OFFICE." iceberg said. he was so tired and thsi was making it worse.

"hee hee! not my problem" bright ;aughed

"god i hate you. ill just ad lib it. ALRIGHT. SCP-049. i am here to talk to you today and learn some.sshit. question one: are you-" iceberg started

"GAY??!" bright interrupted.

".... yes, FINE. are you gay. i assume you understand the concept of homosexuality." iceberg said.

"I don't have to tell you that." 049 huffed.

"fine. question two: have you seen Home Alone (R)" iceberg asked

"you do not let me watch movies with english dubs and i can't read subtitles because of my mask" 049 replied

"we will try to make some accommodations. as for now, you will learn more japanese by watching miku concerts and american movies dubbed into jpn" bright said.

"do you have any knowledge of sexual intimacy, whether with someone else or not." iceberg said. 049 looked at him but didnt reply.

"dude dhave you ever fucked or jerked off. im HOPING NO." bright excplained.

"i don't have time to have sex, im trying to cure the world." 049 replied.

"oh god you're an incel too huh. im so fucking glad that you're one of us, RIGHT 'BERG?!" bright shouted.

"you're INTOLERABLE. im not an incel. i-i am a VOLCEL, thank you." iceberg groaned.

"hey guys! just finished up testing with our fucking friend 079. he --get this-- asked about minecraft." clef came in and screamde.

"oh look at this, we three men of wise gather here YET AGAIN." bright said, getting up to clap clef on the shoulder.

"ol kondraki aint gonna be here for a bit cause he ate too many 1162-Js like a fuckin' idiot. hey did you get those miku tickets?!" clef said.

the two men were just having a very long conversation whiule iceberg and 049 observed.

"are you people always like this" 049 scoffed.

"unfortunately" iceberg said.

"i don't feel like talking to you anymore. you're much too rambunctious and VERY STUPID." 049 said. he started sulking away again.

"fuck whatever i dont care i have to get my real questions anyway. CLEF. if you let bright play tag with 049 i will submit an anonymous report about you." iceberg shouted as he walked out the door.

clef and bright looked at each other and twiddled their thumbs.

"bright before i forget, can we promote these two." he showed bright a photo of drs. tengan and tennant and explained waht happened.

"FUCKING NO WAY. THEY TRIED TO KILL YOU WITH HOME ALONE 2 (R) TRAPS. dude that's so genius. we're DEFINITELY promoting them. hey, we should let 049 watch home alone 2 with us so he fuckin knows how good these guys' trap was" bright started crying from laughing. he loved the first two home alone movies and he loved pointing out all the errors to home alone newcomers.

okay so to put this into perspective, iceberg left fully trusting clef and bright to be like, paying attention. he left the door open. 049 knew that clef and bright weren't paying attention. so he bust out.

"ok guys im....... WHERE IS 049" shouted iceberg.

"hes over there sitting in his little fucking corner su-WHEREDIDHEGO" bright screamed

"oh my fucking god WE ALWAYS DO THIS SHIT" clef said. this was the third day of an incident in the foundation.

"god dammit go find him again and just lure him back with miku concerts. you know we think hes gay but he thinks miku is kind of cute." iceberg sighed. he was about to just give up and quit.

so eventually they find 049 in the cafeteria and he's killed like 8 dudes. oops! he did it again. but of course, security didn't know who let him out so none of them got in trouble. but campbell knew and he wanted something, so he went to visit 049 with everyone else.

"hey iceberg." campbell said.

"ugh go away campbell i just finished getting rid of bright and clef by telling them a lie about how miku was an scp now." iceberg said.

"but i know that you guys let 049 out." campbell smirked.

"FUCK. stop blackmailing me little man." he groaned.

"can i have 100 dollars for a new gaming keyboard. i spent my money buying cups from 294 lol. cups of what. oh i wont tell you. but i spent my money." campbell explained.

"oh. my. fucking. god. here. go away and leave. i've been robbed 500 dollars today by you dogs. shoo!" iceberg said.

at this point, iceberg was ready to just fuckiong tell 049 to touch him and kill him. but he just sat in the interview booth and asked him shitty questions.

"ok 049 thats it. imleaving now. im just going to go to bed." iceberg said as he got up.

"i have a question." 049 had no hint of curiosity in his voice.

"If you ask me for money i'm going to kill you myself."

"whats an incel" 049 asked.

"Nope. no. im not going to fucking answer anything about incels to an scp. and im NOT AN INCEL. im a volcel. piss off." iceberg said. he was tired of bright influencing every single scp to start talking to him about memes.

"Please i have to know why they called me an incel. it is haunting." 049 continued.

"it means someone who isn't able to have sexual intercourse because they're 'unattractive' or sexually unappealing. thats all, okay" iceberg explained.

"so i'm unattractive now." the scp said. while neutral practically 99.9% of the time, he actually cared a bit about this. was he not attractive anymore? was curing people NOT SEXUALLY ATTRACTIVE? oh how the times have fuckin changed.

"i don't know, go have a crisis without me. im sorry, i don't know how to console you .... things? god that's harsh. i don't know how to console an scp." iceberg left.

scp-049 had no idea what to do with this new information and sat on the floor. poor, poor, incel 049.

Chapter Text

dr glass knocked on dr iceberg's door

"hey iceman, i've got a new assignment for ya LOL" glass shouted. he had been away on a "Trip" for a few days.

"my name is iceberg"

"you say that like i care. get to work you cold fucker." glass said, handing over a folder to iceberg.

"dude why do i keep getting the boring scps to work with. 096?! he's so lame." iceberg said.

"oh my god stop complaining i just mixed up the files. here. you get to work with 1471." glass said.

"oh good, a much more basic one. jesus christ. where have you been for the past couple days anyway man?!" iceberg complained. he was a big fan of complaining in the morning, especially since they banned him from drinking coffee.

"i was at hentaicon... lol. i wish, i was actually at... well, i can't tell YOU. just know i was havin fun. wish you could've been there! :)"

"thanks for being so elaborately fucking vague. when do i have to see this dude. please tell me it's at like, 2 pm. i would like to get another hour of sleep in."

glass gave iceberg a wide grin and just laughed. "im so fucking sorry," he started "but you have to go in half an hour."

iceberg's last ounce of strength faded. when he took this job, they told him he would get flexible hours and would usually do work in the evening. for the past week, he'd been woken up everyday at like, 5 am by either clef, kondraki, or bright for some mysterious game they played. maybe today would be better since glass woke him up at 6 am instead of 5.

"glass are you going to come with me or is it going to be bright again. Please be someone new." said iceberg. he knew bright could work hard but he'd been causing a LOT of chaos in the foundation lately. too many memes and not enough personnel to deal with it all.

"hmmm good fucking que.... You know what? i think clef might come with you. bright's a little 'busy' if you know what i mean huehue."

"Never tell me anything like that ever again." iceberg shuddered.

about a half hour later, clef came by and banged on the door. "ICECUCK! UP AND AT EM! WE'RE OFF TO SEE 1471 FOR A BIT." he was so fucking hyper because bright gave him some ominous coffee.

iceberg, who had just been sitting in the dark, mourning his lost sleep, got up and opened the door. he looked like a true harbinger of death.

"dude, you're freezing. LOL. btu seriously, you've got a dark aura. let's go!" clef shouted. iceberg said nothing and followed.

it was like, a 15 minute walk from the dorms to the scp cells. it was ANOTHER 10 minutes to navigate the fuckin maze that was the scp containment center.

"god damn we're finally here. let's go in already. look, man, the faster we do whatever the hell bright wants us to do, the faster we can go back to bed."

"wat do you mean bright. did he set this up."

"maybe"

iceberg opened the folder and read what he was supposed to be doing today:

"You, Dr. Iceberg, will be fuckin around with 1471! yuo will be asking it about all sorts of weird shit to see how it reacts. oops, there was a typo in there. i can't undo typos because we have to write the scp files on typewriters. keeps the good ol' government from spying on our docs! Actually, aren't we partially funded by the government? ANYWAY. you will ask 1471 about ... whatever. my hands are cramping from writing this shit. good luck and have fun with whichever bozso (another typo!) wants to go with you. bye"

"god dammit he's an enigma. clef do you even understand bright." iceberg said.

"he's an enigma to me too. and yet, we kind of click." clef said. he turned, opened the door, and dragged iceberg into the cell with him.

1471 was installed on some random android that they stole from a lower doctor. the phone was wiped clean and the only thing on it was 1471. probably to prevent the spreading or smth. who cared!

"text it something"

"okay, here i go."

TEXT LOG... [DATE REDACTED]... (quick a/n: technically its jsut iceberg and clef switching the phone back and forth but i wrote their names down to keep it less confusing)
Iceberg: hi
1471: *PHOTO*
Clef: nice. do you like memes.
1471: *PHOTO* (photo says NO)
Clef: why not dude. memes are shaping our world.
1471: (MEMES SUCK. THEY ARE WEAK JOKES. BUT THEY ARE POWERFUL.)
Iceberg: yup. theyre strong alright.

"dude you're so boring let me do it more."

Clef: So have you ever seen anime? Real neat stuff, that anime...
1471: (ONLY HENTAI)
Iceberg: I hate hentai. Do you like Home Alone 2 (R)
Clef: 1471 do you know why bright is so fucking obsessed with home alone
1471: (NO)
Clef: no to what
1471: (NO TO BOTH. GO AWAY)

"this is so fucking boring dude he's just like, ignoring us basically. can we leave" iceberg groaned.

"no wait one more thing."

Clef: is bright straight, gay, bi, or something else
1471: (Ask Again Later)
Clef: fuck you
1471: (middle finger emoji)
Clef: We're leaving. goodbye 1471, you are fucking boring.
1471: (THAT HURTS)
Clef: oh boo hoo you're barely even talking to us. tell me, can we leave
1471: (NO)
Iceberg: are you an incel, volcel, or chad
1471: (INCEL.)
Clef: L.M.F.A.OOOOOOO.
1471: (WHAT. ITS TRUE)
Iceberg: we are chads
Clef: ^ he isnt, i am.
1471: (no reply)

"oh my fucking god hahaha lets go. i want to text bright this shit." clef said.

the two men shut 1471 down and locked up the cell. clef turned his phone back on and started texting.

"BRIGHT WANTS TO FACETIME SHOULD WE ANSWER" clef asked as he hit accept.

"hey little manlets, i've just 'finished up' if you catch my drift hehehehehe. how'd talking to 1471 go! he's pretty fucking lame right."

"BRIGHT HAHAHA. 1471 says hes an incel."

"No way. NO WAY. whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat the hell. im never there for this."

"Bright can you let us into the cell for 069-j later. i want to show iceberg how fucking funny our avatars look."

"oh god i forgot that existed. yeah ill come hang out with u guys later. might chill out in my bed for a bit longer. you know im watching some real.... well, i better not tell you what im watching. it's kind of weird. clef, if you come to my room in like an hour ill show u what im watching lol. totally freaky shit! icecuck, i see you over there and GOD YOU LOOK LIKE HELL! go to bed man!"

"im already awake and ready for the day's torment." iceberg said. he had dark bags under his eyes. he actually only got like 2 hours of sleep in the past two days.

"well you are a trooper dude. i salute you. just dont die, alright." bright said. iceberg nodded and went back to his room, where he then fell asleep instantly.

he woke up later to loud fucKING BANGING on his door, accompanied by shouting.

"DUDE ICEBERG WAKE UP I NEED SOME HELP."

"clef is that you. just go ask bright for help, im sleeping."

"ICEBERG 1471 TEXTED ME"

iceberg then jumped up. there was no way that 1471 would be able to text clef since he had his phone off the whole time, but maybe it didn't need to be on. good fucking going clef.

"just get a new phone. not like you've got anything important on that thing anyway. all the important stuff is stored on our computers... right?" iceberg asked. his phone had barely anything of importance on it.

"...i have some things on there. like, you know, MY NUDES. what the hell do i do man i'm freakin out!! i can't just put my nude pictures on the computer or the higher ups might see. do you want them to see me naked iceberg?!"

"you're gross and i doubt they want to see you nude clef. just fucking retake them! or, keep them and make 1471 send them to everyone."

"oh my fucking god no then i'll be a bigger creep than i already am. god.... 1471 you better not be listening. dont send my nudes to everyone. listen, iceman. iceberg. whatever the hell your name is, i'm going to go see kondraki about this shit. i'll tell you if anything happens. bye!" clef said, running off.

iceberg was so fucking confused. prior to this, iceberg hadn't even really talked to these guys. he'd just see them around, memeing. they would work together but he was getting kind of used to their stupid shit now. maybe they were friends now. but this isnt a sappy story so its up to the readers whether or not everyone can be friends.

regardless, iceberg was fucking praying to every god in existence that tomorrow would be an easy day too. today was a lucky break.

Chapter Text

dr bright took the clipboard from his desk and went down the long corridors into a shitty room. inside the room it was dimly lit and clef was sitting on a couch holding up a bunch of movies.

"hey bright, whats on the agenda today lol" asked clef

"Well clef we got something fucky to do... we have to troll the scps to see 'their reaction to stimuli that will make them angry.' wanna help me. i already know that iceberg is Not going to help me with this bullshit and youre funny as hell."

"dude i SO would but me and kondraki are going to watch all 8 harry potter movies and all 3 extended editions of lord of the rings. its batshit crazy." clef said

"oh my god dude i want to do that. when have you got it planned for?! maybe u can help me with this real quick and then i can watch with you guys." bright said. ever since [REDACTED], he was a fan of the second harry potter movie.

as clef opened his mouth to reply, kondraki burst through the door like a fuckin madman.

"CLEF I'VE BROUGHT OUR SNACKS. i asked scp-294 for like 4 gallons of mountain dew:code red and a bunch of monster energy drinks. ive also got, hm lets see here, chips, some microwave dinner for tonight, some ikea food from scp-3008, of course the popcorn, gummy worms, and gummy bears. i also got us some fruit because i like fruit and we need to be healthy after this shitstorm. theres water too" kondraki reported. he turned to bright and waved.

"bright this shit'll take like. 3 days to watch. im sure youve got the time to go dick around with the scps on that list and come back."

"ok dont start the second harry potter movie without me, i want to fucking see that one. i have so many memes about it that it's not even funny. ask glass. we made a whole recreation of the movie once with scp-079. don't ask how, just know it happened." bright said. he had to fucking act fast. ideally, he'd be in and out within 3 hours. it took forever to get from point a --> point b in the foundation so that was a bit of a hopeful guess.

first he had to go mess around with 079 again. this was easy because he just had to pop in there and look at 079 and he'd be angry.

"079 im here to troll you for a test. do you, perhaps, like.... ah, see? you're already mad LOL. come at me bro." bright said, closing the door again. he really didn't feel like hanging out with 079 today anyway since he lost his CD version of skyrim and didn't want to play minecraft.

next was messing with 049. when he went to watch iceberg deal with 049, he wasn't allowed to fucking do anything. today, he actually got to interact with him. he turned around the corner of the corridor and went running down the hall towards 049.

"Bright, why are you running in the halls" said iceberg

"go away icecuck, im doing my job for once. i have to do it fast so i can see harry potter. hey, did you know i have memes about it. go ask glass." bright screamed. he was out of shape and he was no usain bolt, so he hated running. regardless, he had to do it anyway.

"why are you watching fucking harry potter man. thats for babies and noobs. go watch a real movie like Elysium (2013) or like, jaws."

"shut the hell up, you dont appreciate memes. and you're holding me up from my work, which i can report to gears."

"if you report me to gears i will fuckign spontaneously combust and beat your ass"

bright flipped iceberg off and started laughing. then he ran off again to 049.

"049 wake up im here to hang out with you"

"I would prefer that you don't hang out with me while I'm busy." 049 said

"YOU'RE AN SCP WHY ARE YOU BUSY LOL"

"do you not see my fucking patient here."

">implying that youre actually doing anything of use"

"how did you make that sound at the beginning. also im doing more things of use than you can ever accomplish, doctor"

"dont question my abilities and more importantly, how bout you go get yourself checked out for believing that youre doing something good. you act like you are the pope when you are a lowly scp"

at this point, 049 was staring directly at bright. he was so fucking mad that he just didnt say anything.

"What. too afraid of the truth mister?!" bright continued. he loved fucking around with people and got into a lot of fights, so it was almost natural to him at this point.

"i dont have to respond to you, incel." 049 said

".....w-what'd you just say to me" bright replied. he was mortified. 049 may have been some fucking plague doctor from Ye Olde Days but he was learning new age slang from everyone. soon he'd be sitting on fucking 4chan debating over stupid shit. bright, as a user of 4chan, was scared of this future and made a note to not let 049 use any type of internet.

bright decided this was too much and went on to the next subject. scp-066.

"you look like a shitty pile of spaghetti that someone ruined and frankly, im scared of you." bright yelled. he had in ear plugs because this shitty thing wouldnt stop screaming and playing loud russian vaporwave covers of vocaloid songs. bright wasn't even sure if this thing was sentient enough to understand what spaghetti was.

taking a drastic measure, bright decided to just chuck things at it. he threw a ball at 066 and watched what it did. not very much. it rolled around again after a second of sitting there. UGH. fucking boring as hell!

bright kicked it. more loud music. everything he did seemed to make HIM angry, not the scp.

"Subject is relatively unresponsive towards the shit i do to it... wont get angry." he noted. he also scribbled, "STOP PLAYING IT MUSIC, IT IS LEARNING TO REPLICATE THESE SOUNDS AT HIGH VOLUMES TO MAKE ME (us) ANGRY"

next subject was some random ass one. "scp-2337"

bright only really liked dealing with sentient scps because they would get angry with him more than the other ones. talking to 049 and 079 was always funny for him because they got into arguments and bright loved it.

entering the testing chamber, bright paused.

"you are a bird."

"yes. C A C K. am a bird lel"

"...ok. you talk pretty fucking weird"

"At least i dont look like a guy who sits in his moms basement for 8 weeks at a time playing strip poker online, cuck."

"Ah i see youre a man of culture as well! consider me fuckin kek'd." bright smiled. he wasn't supposed to be getting along with these guys, just trying to make them mad. but this bird seemed like a troll too. and how did he know that bright liked playing strip poker?

"no bitch im a BIRD of culture. CACK!"

"shitty pun dude, no bueno! i thought we had something, then you had to go doing that. now i must inflict anger towards you, you little bird. 'cack cack' lol"

"dude dont make fun of how i talk. cack"

"CACK! you cant stop me from being me. look, maybe we can have a beer .... er, well I can have a beer and talk to you on friendly terms. but for now i have to fucking fight with u for this test. anyway, do you ever fucking clean in here because it smells like death and i dont appreciate that"

"im serious man, im a little bird but im powerful and i can kill you, CACK."

at this point, 2337 just started to scream for a solid 5 minutes. bright, noting this, felt like dying. this bird was so loud and annoying.

"IM LEAVING. you've broken my heart. imagine us: bright and 2337, the trolling duo of the scp foundation! but now we can't be friends and we can't troll iceberg together. goodbye, little bird. CACK!" bright said as he threw gummy worms at the bird and ran.

so bright went around to a few more scps. 1048, who just did nothing but draw him pictures of angry faces and middle finger emojis. 173, who did fucking nothing. 682, who reacted just as expected. yet all this had taken 4 hours to do! the man was exhausted, and yet he had to write a report on his findings and send it in within the next 3 days to a higher-up member. jesus christ! were they expecting miracles from bright here? though.. he had three days. he could fucking run and watch harry potter with clef and kondraki.

------------------------------------

"dude lol im telling you we need more mtn dew"

"theres NO WAY we fucking drank all 4 gallons!"

"GUYS IM HERE... i fucking interviewed a shit ton of scps and im ready to die. but alas, i can't do that. so its just a, ykno, metaphor." bright said. he was too tired to be coherent.

"fuckin' a man, welcome back!" kondraki cheered.

"Bright i wasn't expecting you. i ate the gummy bears." iceberg said.

"oh fuck you 'berg, i wanted those all day. i knew i should have taken some of those when ol konny here brought them in"

"boys dont fight, we've got like. plenty of other snacks. gummy worms, bright?" kondraki said, handing the worms to bright.

the gummy worms reminded him of his experience with scp-2337. he gave like an entire bag of worms to that little dude. oof! he'd hear about that from the security team later, but for now he was just a bit mad about the gummy bears. he and iceberg had some fucking rivalry going on but thats none of our busuiness.

so everyone started watching fuckin g harry potter 2. bright was so fucking lit about it but like, a minute into the movie he noticed somethign kinda ... funnie.

"Is this the real harry potter movie. also icefuck i thought you hated harry potter"

"...no its your re-enactment. we got it from glass. he says its really well made and that all the people involved did a good job and kondraki and i just couldnt stop thinking about it. so we got it and we're going to watch it. but i swear to god later we can watch the real thing. i, for one, am EXCITED! its not everyday that we get some real fucking talent in this place. also, iceberg came in and said we were scum for watching harry potter but he said that he'd hang out with us lol."

"shut up i said id watch it again to see if it was as awful as i remember" iceberg said

bright had spent literally weeks recreating harry potter two with a team of other doctors from the UK branch of the foundation that he flew in using dr. gears's money. he also used some of the scps, a shit ton of class-d members, and the foundation staff. he didnt let clef or kondraki be a part of it because they were fucking fighting at the time and he didnt feel like bothering with their bullshit. overall, it cost maybe 12,000 dollars for them to make this and it was funded (mostly) by taxpayer money and "charitable donations from doctor gears." to see his work finally earn its recognition was a dream come true.

"bright why did 079 help you make this. its too fucking good" clef asked

"Dude 079 had such a fucking bad time with this shit that he swore to never work with me again. thats why he hates me lol but its ok"

so the 4 men spent the rest of the fucking day sititng there, eating food and watching movies.

Chapter Text

saturdays at the scp foundation were a new layer of hell.

nobody had saturday off, but half the scientists called in "sick" and some faked being dead just to go on their fuckin vacation to the dominican republic.

but dr. iceberg stayed there. cursing his past self for this bullshit.

"i remember being enticed by this job. flexible hours? high pay? interesting working conditions? i've only gotten like mandatory jobs, 20 hour days, less than minimum wage, and ... well, it is pretty interesting here. but i want to be fucking paid higher. i should engage Bright in either conversation or a fucking duel and get some more money" iceberg thought. he was as sneaky as a mouse.

pulling up his fucking kermit the frog scarf, he left the room.

"hey 'draki, clef. where's bright at" he asked

"you think WE know?! he hasn't texted us in like, 5 hrs. and normally he doesnt reply to us for like 3 hours but hey lol 5 hours is a bit much" clef said

"ok ill go check on him. since its saturday i dont have to do work until like 3 pm" iceberg said

iceberg wandered off towards bright's room. the closer he got, the more sluggish he felt. he was in a decent mood but talking to doctor jack bright was Such. A. Chore. the man couldn't even keep his attention on what the other people were saying. he would vaguely reply with a HAHA or an "mmhm" and go back to his daydreams about anime girls. and talking to him about a fucking raise. oh my god. well regardless of how ICEBERG felt, he soldiered on through the hall and finally reached bright's office.

"BRIGHT. JACK BRIGHT. OPEN THE DOOR." he shouted, pouding on the door

no immediate reply. a few minutes of pounding on the door resulted in dr GEARS walking over.

"Excuse me Mr. Iceberg. Could you not make such a racket at this time." he said

"bright wont come out of the room"

"Alright just use this skeleton keycard. It's like a normal keycard but it can open random doors. No, not all the doors. Just random ones. And I know Mr. Bright's door opens with it. Please give it back once you have successfully finished your business with him." gears said, walking away.

iceberg shoved the keycard in and waited. the door slid open instantly. in went iceberg.

"BRIGHT i'm in the room now. you can't hide from me." iceberg said.

there was bright, sitting in the dark corner of his room, beats headphones on, playing Osu! on his fucking alienware computer. he specifically bought that using the funds that dr. gears gave to him for his 'little research project.' iceberg wanted him to mess up so badly but he knew that bright was pretty good at osu. how?

so once in like, [date redacted], bright got this giant research paper to do. coincidentally, iceberg was assigned one too. bright had just installed osu and was about to be getting tutoring lessons. 'what a bother!' is what he said when he got the shitty assignment. after the meeting, bright pulled iceberg aside and smiled.

"dude. i seriously cannot do this stupid paper. i paid like, 400 dollars for that damn osu tutoring course and im Going to be a pro. listen 'berg! i entered the osu master championship and it's this weekend. i can't lose because the reward is like 1500 dollars and that can pay a few months of rent." bright explained. and with that fucking devilish grin. iceberg had to write TWO different research papers on various scp behaviors and actions. oh my god. iceberg wondered what he even paid rent to. he didn't have a house? he would inquire about that later ..

he snuck up behind bright and slammed his hands on his shoulders. bright fucking slugged him in the stomach and started yelling.

"DUUUUUUUUDE WAHT THE HELL?!?!? WHAT WA... Iceberg... What do you think youre DOING!" bright said. he completely glitched up osu by this point.

"HAHA! i completely totaled you dude. i have to talk to you and its really important" iceberg said. he was glad to fucking get bright back like this.

"oh my fucking god okay hurry up. you have my attention for once but you have like 10 minutes before i dont care" bright groaned.

"ok. one: who are you paying rent to?! why do you ... why do you pay rent? we don't have to pay rent for these shitty little cube homes do we. two: ...can i get a raise." iceberg asked quickly.

"ah! so you finally question the rent. we at the scp foundation have our dorms for quick access in case of an emergency but then again we don't have to stay here. they're free since the chance of dying is so high in this stupid place lol. so yes, why do i have to pay rent if i live here? well out in the nevada desert i own this little house. just fucking Full of my online purchases. it's like my PO box but in the middle of fucking nowhere. and i chose to rent instead of buying because... well, who fucking knows. lol." bright explained.

"ok... that's really odd. but it makes sense. i just moved half of my stuff to storage and brought the small stuff here. and i get my packages delivered to the company PO boxes that we have. big fuckin' surprise that you dont use 'em bright." iceberg replied.

"whatever! on to your more... RIDICULOUS question! 'can i get a waise owo can i pwease get a widdle tiny waise x3' bitch, why do you think your pay is so low? what do you do? im so mad. explain why you need a raise." bright huffed.

"euh. you get so crabby when i ask about my raise. but look. who does like, HALF of your fucking work in this place? who has paid your rent for the past like, 3 months? am i seriously paying for your anime figures' vacation home in nevada? i barely have any money for my own online purchases and i jsut want a bit more money." iceberg said. he was scared to confront bright about this.

bright looked at iceberg for a minute and sighed. he turned back to osu! and then back to iceberg. jesus christ! the anticipation was killing him.

"...i guess i can talk to the higher-ups. its true that you help me all the fucking time lol but i cant promise shit dude. now shoo before i report you and lower your pay even more." bright said, pulling the beats back onto his head.

----------------------------------------

and so it was 3 pm again. iceberg saw his phone ping and picked it up. "COME TO ROOM [REDACTED] FOR YOUR NEXT ASSIGNMENT."

fuck. iceberg wasn't even in any mood because he and kondraki got into a little spat over which pokemon generation was better. he didn't even like pokemon that much, not since like. 5000 years ago. luckily saturday assignments were "simpler" than the weekday ones. so iceberg fucked off to the room and opened the door. it was dr. gears.

"Hello Mister Iceberg. Here is what you will be doing today. And, I've received your request for a raise as well. You can expect a result within a few business days." gears said, handing him a folder. it was typed on strange laminated paper. the file read:

"tOda y (fuck i cant' type on the typewirter todya and i only heve thsi sheet of laminated shit paper to use) you, Doctor Iceberg, will be in charge of monitoring ... ummmm ... god we're not sure who to assign you to." the first line said.

"...Gears can you STOP LETTING BRIGHT WRITE THIS SHIT. its barely fucking comprehensible and he always writes weird nonsense before finally reaching the point" iceberg groaned

"I will speak with him."

the file continued, "AHA! Alright. I have one. you can hang out with scp-343. might be a hoot! your job is to just ask it questions. funny ones since its a sauturday! (Another typo.. woops!) And i asked gears about your shitty little pay raise but he seemed a bit confused so don't expect miracles. its me, dr bright. not like, dr... euh, they'll get my ass for specifying who i mean. one of the higher-ups! you also have a write a little report on what youve learned or what oyou did. good luck icedweeb."

iceberg shook his head and left towards the scp center to talk with 343. the guards opened the door and fucked off to who knows where. lucky sons of bitches.

"welcome doctor. i assume you're here to speak with me today." the scp said

"yup. my colleagues have written me some... interesting questions for you. fuckin' hell."

"i dont mind weird questions. i've heard and seen it all at this point."

"yeah... okay. let's start. this one says ... these are just complaints for the first few. ok heres one, 'if you had to hang out with any other scp for a whole day, which one would you put up with.'"

"me... i'd hang out with any of them. sentient or not, i don't really care. i like company and i like to learn about new things. though i suppose sentient beings would be more interesting to talk with."

"cool. are you familiar with, or do you like memes." iceberg asked. he was questioning who the hell wrote these ones because they were really fucking boring. nothing interesting, nothing out of the box.

"i know memes. i enjoy their promotion of new ideals and their spreading of humor." the scp said. it responded ever so calmly and that bored the fuck out of iceberg.

"why did you make our universe. whats the point of it all." another lame question.

"my son, you're not fuckin ready for the answer to that one. :)"

"uh ok. oh fuck it, these questions suck ass. they read like a deviantart journal game of the simplest questions someone could think of relevant to the theme. how likely am i to get that raise from doctor gears"

"i'd give it a 50-50 chance lol. you dont suck up to him as much and you don't relatively stand out compared to some of the other workers here. i mean. you complain at everything. earlier you came back and started moaning and groaning about kisscartoon not working and not showing you the muppet babies show you wanted to watch. you also pushed behind your reports to play call of duty, which i know is restricted in this place."

"FUCK. you're too right but like hell am i going to suck up to gears. he's so ... very nice. hehe." iceberg forgot there were cameras in the rooms at all time that gears could potentially monitor if he wanted to.

"now is my question for you. you got kik?" 343 said.

"kik isn't even allowed in here. i had to delete my grindr, tinder, twitch, youtube, and facebook accounts once i started working here. i cant get laid." iceberg said. oh waht a lonely life he led. he needed to get a date.

so after a shit ton of weird questions ranging from asking which anime girl was really best girl to asking if home alone 3 was even really canon in the H.A. story line, iceberg left and sat in his dark room. it was always cold in there and he just didnt give a fuck. he was so cold. it was about 6:30 pm at this point and he sat down on his computer.

so that was a typical saturday. nothing interesting, nothing fun. just fucking workign! sometimes iceberg questioned his fucking sanity for joining the scp foundation but it was a bit too late to drop out now. besides, he had kind of friends at this point so he wasn't totally bored all the time. buzz buzz.

another fuckin ping on his phone. "ICEBERG. you have to fucking come here lol scp-066 is out of containment in the cafeteria again and its fucking BLARING german vaporwave spongebob songs hahaha hurry"

iceberg again went out the room to go see this shit. but he was HOping for a good sunday. let's here it for the weekend.

Chapter Text

today was sunday and doctor jack bright was not happy.

"fuck i know we never get true days off anyway but i forgot to call in sick today and that means i have to work." he said to clef.

"yup, i feel you. you, me, kondraki, and iceberg all have to work today. luckily i overheard theyre just making us sit through a fucking lecture and 'board meeting' today... which might be worse than having us survey and poke the SCPs. dammit." clef replied.

bright and clef walked over to the shitty, dim meeting room. they bought those little environmentally safe lightbulbs that are supposed to save energy so now it was always dull in the room. ugh.

"i hate how fucking dull it is in this room" bright moaned

"stop moaning and groaning" clef said. he was tired of this. on a good day bright could go on and on about the funny things that happened or will happen. but on a bad day, like a sunday, he would go speaking forever about every little thing that annoyed or bothered him. jeez!

"whens our meeting"

"should be any time now, bright. but its like kakashi showing up in naruto. always fuckin' like, 15 minutes late at the least." clef explained. he had binge watched all of naruto (shippuden included) in half a week once. very anomalous.

"Fantastic of you both to show up here early." doctor gears said. he had no presence and used this to sneak up on the others. "I'm hoping our meeting will not take very long. Trust me, I want to be here just as much as you all." gears continued.

kondraki and iceberg came in with huge fuckin bags under their eyes. kondraki had been up playing cookie run all night trying to hit emerald rank and iceberg was just up because he was too cold to sleep. lol.

some other doctors came in too but they're not important so just give them names on your own. gears stood up and pulled down a little screen.

"It has been 7 days since our last containment breach when SCP-106 suddenly appeared in the cafeteria, begged for pizza rolls, and killed three D- and C-Class operatives when his request was denied. We have since secured the containment chamber and provided the scp with a microwave and a year's supply of pizza rolls." gears said.

"WHAT. Oh my god you're kidding me. i asked for a microwave in my room like 4 months ago with proper documentation and a thorough reasoning of why i should get one and you guys said no. but the little stinkey scp-106 kills 6 people and gets one instantly?" kondraki shouted.

"Doctor Kondraki please. we all know you would break a microwave in one minute by trying to blow up peeps. We know you." one of the other doctors said. kondraki flipped him off and sat back down.

"i think it's only fair that kondraki should get a microwave so we can have our parties without having to invade the kitchen every hour for more materials" clef said.

"you two shut the fuck off" bright said

"you mean shut the fuck up" iceberg replied

"I don't care about the English language." bright growled. he was so mad on kondraki's part because he knew that kondraki filed that report and got everyone's signature on it and gears just threw it in the trash.

the light cut off. bright laughed, but it was a shaky laugh. you see, he was laughing because he knew they got the shitty cheap lights, but it was shaky because he was scared of being in this shitty room in the dark.

"what happened" one of the rando doctors said.

"idk. seems like Mischief" said iceberg.

"not everything is mischief, icedweeb. you're just a paranoid little man." bright said.

"says fucking you mister 'euuuuh im scawed of the dawk owo hewp me icedweeb'" iceberg said. he was pissed off at bright today because he had had a dream about him stealing his money again.

"stop having that dream where i steal your money. i dont do that and i always ask before i take cash. speaking of which, can i get 3.50 for a soda from the vending machine." bright smiled.

"THERE IS NO POP THAT COSTS 3.50 IN THE MACHINE" iceberg yelled. he knew he was being conned.

"Men will you act serious. One of you check the security room and make sure there hasn't been another containment breach." gears said.

"I will do it." bright said. he looked at iceberg, kondraki, and clef.

"you three will be my backup in the case that i die. check your texts if you feel rumbles. that is my special text vibration." he continued.

bright went out into the hall. it was all dim now. his phone was at 87% because he had [REDACTED] up on his phone and it sucked up a lot of battery. shit. he would just have to keep his flashlight in th case of an emergency. wait.

"say, Gears. you wouldn't happen to have that pocket flashlight i gifted you the other month?" bright asked. the scp foundation, like any office, had some weird secret santa event last december. bright got kondraki and clef nice little meme gifts from sears and macys but forgot about gears.

so he went into the dollar tree and found him like, weird little knick-knacks and wrapped them up. he forgot it was a secret santa event but oh well. gears got his little flashlight anyway.

"Oh, yes, it's right here... Here you are." gears said, handing him the flashlight. it was a pretty strong little thing for one buck.

bright then went out again and walked down the hallway. the security room was weird and it always smelled like musk masked with axe body spray. a disgusting combination. bright liked axe but the musk overpowered it.

he peeked on the screen. scp-173 was in the fucking cafeteria with 096 and they were trying to steal food again.

"UGH. we can never have a good week in this shitty place without one of those dudes breaking out. i should have just lived out my office fantasies in one of the other corporations. but the scp foundation gives me really good dental benefits and some sick insurance policies. lol. but i should go report this to gears."

so bright walked back to the meeting room.

"lmfao. you'll never believe this shit boys. 173 and 096 bust outta containment and fucked off into the kitchen again. and theyre trying to kill people for food." bright reported.

a collective groan came from the people in the room. every week there was some type of minor breach of one of the scarier SCPs. it was never one like 999 or the cute little animals that didn't do anything. whatever. bright and iceberg were beyond tired of this job and kondraki and clef were almost at the same level.

gears shook his head and sighed. "back to 0 days without an incident. those little guys just dont like being in their containment chambers. With 096 it makes no sense since he does not like being looked at. Why would he try to bust out and risk being seen. Truly mind-boggling to me."

"yup, i agree. but lets call in those operatives and tell 'em to catch the scps." clef suggested.

"oh, that would be the obvious answer indeed but... they all called in sick today.. something about going to Atlantic City for a meeting. well, i don't mind." gears said.

"you're kidding. they said they canceled that trip back last tuesday! um, well... i mean.. what are we to do then, if they're away? we haven't got the materials or the training to recapture them." kondraki asked. kondraki had asked to go along on the atlantic city trip the other month but the ntf operatives said it was 'canceled.' what dicks.

"one of you go reason with them." iceberg sneered.

"fuck you. Oh, since you suggested it yyou must be the one who wants to go volunteer and help us out, huh 'berg?!" bright replied.

"w-what. no. i think kondraki should go."

"whjy me"

"you seem guilty enough to go do it. to let the scps out of their cages i mean." iceberg said.

"lets all go." said one of the other doctors, getting up out of her chair.

"ok." replied clef. he was easily swayed by cute people and this girl was no exception. miss doctor light. she only talked to these guys at the meetings.

"stop staring at me and come on" she said.

everyone got up and stretched. their meeting only went on for like 6 minutes before the fucking scps broke out. actually, bright remembered it happening like this last week too. jesus christ. this foundation was supposed to be organized to keep the general populace safe from the anomalous creatures they caught, yet half the time they couldn't even keep their own creatures in the cages.

"hey wait i know who we can get, just go grab that ntf guy who sits in the basement all the time. his name is euh... god, what is it..? George? oh yes, i call him george michael whenever i see him. i'll go fetch him right now." iceberg said.

iceberg was well-known in the foundation for being some type of report writer and he got a lot of connections from writing so many weird reports on different things. basically, any staff member could give him notes, the gist of the assignment, and a due date, and iceberg would write it for a price. after iceberg wrote it, the original staff member would take the report and fix it up to make it seem more like their own writing. so far it worked fairly well, with nobody being caught or getting in trouble or anything.

iceberg walked down the halls towards the stairwell. the stairs were not well-kept and had a lot of rust on them. poor lighting too. whatever, iceberg was only gonna skip around and run down the stairs to the basement for a bit anyway. eventually he made it to the door that led to the basement's security hall.

"george michael, where have you gone" iceberg called out.

"Oh, Doctor Iceberg, is that you? I've not seen you lately, but I had a feeling there would be a breach today. Was my prediction spot on?" he replied.

"yes, unfortunately. you know that half the security team ditched us to go off to atlantic city for a few days. thank god you always stick around." iceberg said.

"No problem. I am in charge of this hellhole's security for a reason. Well, a little group of us operatives are always kept here for a reason, so let me call the boys up." george said.

"thanks george michael"

"Ah... yes. Andrew! James! John! Doctor Iceberg says we've got a little situation going on up in... where'd you say?"

"the cafeteria"

"Up in the cafeteria! As always. My, they're always so hungry. Don't you all feed them food?" asked george.

"...they don't ask for food, and 173's a statue. 096 doesn't even seem like the type to go off scavenging for food in a crowded environment, but who the hell knows why they went off. could be some other influence." iceberg replied. his phone buzzed in his pocket.

"TEXT MESSAGE FROM: Bright (poop emoji) (Angry emoji)
< ICEBERG. that fucking 049 is there too lol. please hurry with michael george or whatever the hell his name is. we all know that 049 likes to Help people xD )"

"George 049's out there too, as if that makes any difference."

"No, once one's out it's all the same even if another one shows up lol" he said.

iceberg ran back up the stairs and went to the meeting room again.

"AHHHH welcome back icefuck. i'm off to play minecraft again with 079. gears is so busy ordering evacs and shit that he wont notice if i go fuckin around with the little dude right?! and i've got to prepare for minecon. you heard where its 'bout to be this year?" bright rambled.

"are you sure its fucking wise to go play MINECRAFT during a breach" said someone. it was campbell again. he had been on holiday for about 4 days now.

"so you come back and the first thing you do is judge my games, you little shrimp. you're just jealous that you cannot afford ford ford my diamond sword sword." bright sung.

"Bright we do NOT allow tobuscus in this foundation and i will not tolerate another song like that. Thank you." campbell huffed. he was so mad. "I shouldve stayed on holiday."

"yeah, you should've. i bet you told the scps to get out of containment again."

"no your mom did lol. your mom is the biggest scp in the world and even this little foundation, nor any of its branches, can contain her." campbell said as he walked off.

bright was in complete shock for a minute. campbell probably learned some aggression and upped his manliness. so sugoi.

the hallway lights came back on, but the meeting room light was still dim as hell. it stung bright's eyes, especially since he spent most of his day in the dark playing shitty computer games and dating sims anyway. he was a creature of the dark, but not a nocturnal being yet. apparently, they cut the lights in the cafeteria (aside from the red emergency ones or w/ev lol) to confuse the scps.

"i have to go past the cafeteria to get to scp-079, should i risk it xdd" bright asked.

"no dumbass, just wait here and go play minecraft on your... wait a minute, if you have an ALIENWARE COMPUTER, why the fuck would you want to play minecraft with 079. he runs fortnite at like 4 fps and can't render music in any form except for a midi. he can't run terraria without lagging for 20 minutes, and he constantly narrates whats happening and corrupts files to make you fuck up. whats the deal bud?" iceberg asked.

"well icecuck, if you would really like to know, i want to test out how AI can play computer games. as you've said he sucks ass at running anything but when he boots something up he can play it for a bit lol. if i ported him over to a computer like mine i bet he could load everything better but gears and the other higher-ups would fucking destroy me LOL so i have no chance of doing that shit. wait, you play fortnite? pvp me?" bright replied.

"no. campbell told me about the fortnite thing. i think it's better that you don't try to port over an SCP to a better computer, because there's no way of telling what he'd do in a different kind of computer. besides, can you imagine his ugly ass face stretched out to like, 1980x1080p. that'd be terrible. then again.. i am really curious to see something like that. lol do you think he runs things better than windows 10" iceberg said.

"TEXT MESSAGE FROM: George Michael
< Doctor Iceberg, our team is finished setting up. We will now proceed towards getting the SCPs captured and sent back to their containment chambers. Thank you for your efforts today.)"

"george michael says that the team is getting ready to go. you can go play fu cking minecraft soon."

okay so basically what happens after this is that george and the team go off to catch the scps. with 049 its pretty easy, they just have to tell him to fuck off back to his chamber before bright, clef, and kondraki subject him to more hatsune miku concerts and minecraft lets plays. he fucks out of there. 173 doesn't know english or words in general and they have to put it in that weird little red cage. 173 tried to kill one of the security dudes but the bro was a b it too quick. finally, with 096, it just kind of fucking vanished. like, they all went back to check the cafeteria and it was gone.

"well, we've got it all under control now.. Please remember to check and revise holding cells tomorrow to ensure the utmost safety of everyone in here. Thank you." george said, walking back into the hallways.

"god damn, tomorrow's monday. this week wasn't so bad, i guess, but i definitely don't want to do this shit again next week. CLEF! KONDRAKI! remind me on friday to uh. Call Out?" bright said

"it's just been a typical week at the scp foundation."