Chapter Text
# general-chat
# the-dungeon
Σpsilon
holy shit
Dogfish
Damn wtf you gonna leave it there dude
Surprise looks like you're all a bunch of chumps
The real treasure was the friends we made along the way etc. etc.
Snake
To be perfectly fair, we weren't playing a very wise campaign. It wasn't going to end well, had we continued as we were originally led.
Dogfish
Yeah but it's just so
Sudden
Like holy shit did carlos miss it
@Carlos game fucking over dude we've been played
Σpsilon
also you were alive the whole time
who knew lmao
santa
dude had to know he was alive.
probably talked it over with dungaree man after shit went down last session.
Dogfish
Dungaree man nice
Where is old dungy boy anyway
Dung Meister
Haha, sorry, I actually did cut the campaign shorter than I originally planned. There was a little more to the journey but I think it's better that we brought it to end here. @Snake, I wouldn't say you played a poor campaign. It was a fault in my own designs. The plot was too rigidly laid out, so as you deviated from the path I intended, it became exceedingly difficult to progress.
Σpsilon
nah bud that was rad
dont beat yourself up
youre damn good at this
Dogfish
Yeah dude you did
Snake
Your campaign was perfectly structured for a party for which the lawfulness alignment of the characters was not eighty percent chaotic.
Dogfish
It was awesome
santa
for real snake. cant believe my fuckin chaotic neutral rogue was the team mom of the party.
Dogfish
You always do really cool campaigns
Carlos
Whoops, can't believe I missed the end of this. Haha
Did everyone have a good time? :)
Dogfish
Yeah you fucking sneak
How long was that in the works anyway
Carlos
Santa got that one right. ;)
DM and I chatted before Airam was even dead yet. But when things were looking dicey.
Dogfish
DICEY
Σpsilon
carlos you sonuvabitch
santa
sure was dicey. jesus fucking christ.
dm thoughts on next campaign yet or nah?
Σpsilon
damn somebodys ready to party
Dogfish
Party
santa
@Snake should i spill.
Σpsilon
oh shit
Dung Meister
I do actually have something in the works, which is another reason I was in such a rush to complete this campaign. (I also believe I'm aware of Snake's little secret.) Nothing's fully fleshed out yet, but I'd love to discuss it with you folks soon. Perhaps after some much-needed rest?
Dogfish
Haha god you're such an old man
It's not even 2
Σpsilon
hes literally an old man dog
Carlos
He and I both. :P
I've been almost dozing off in front of the screen for the past two hours...
Dogfish
Old mandog. Like an elderly werewolf
Carlos aren't you like 28
You're just weak
Carlos
...Says the 22-year-old. :/
santa
looks like snakes out already too?
meeting adjourned go the fuck to sleep.
Σpsilon
who needs sleep when you have energy drinks >:3
Dogfish
That's what I'm fucking talking about
This is a man who speaks my language
Carlos
Go to sleep, you two. :P
Dogfish
God you're no fun
Alright when should we meet up to talk next campaign
santa
usual time tomorrow? i'll be around.
Σpsilon
im always around
santa
yeah you weird little rodent.
Dogfish
What the hell santa
@Carlos @Dung Meister @Snake ?
Carlos
Should work for me. I'll let you know if something comes up.
Snake
Sorry for the delay, I was reading another tab.
Tomorrow evening is fine with me.
Dung Meister
Good night.
Dogfish
...
Does that mean yes
Hello
Σpsilon
looks like a strong probably
Dogfish
@Dung Meister
Goddammit why is he always on invisible
I can't tell when he logs off
Σpsilon
its chill
yo my boy dijon mustard see you at 8 like usual
nobody send anymore messages so he sees it
Dogfish
Jesus dijon mustard, that's a good one
Σpsilon
dog wtf
hey danganronpa mystery, dog is a tool, 8
now zip it
ONLINE—5
Carlos
Dogfish
santa
Snake
Σpsilon
OFFLINE—1
Dung Meister
Chapter 2
Notes:
And we're back for the NaNoWriMo season!!!!
It's real hard to do a wordcount with groupchat fic in general, but especially when a lot of the words are actually HTML code, and technically I cheated and started this story ages ago, so I'm not going for the 100% NaNo challenge where it's a novel entirely completed within November and it's 50k words. I just want to finish up this incredibly silly story, and this month is dedicated to that act.
I could spend some time editing the previous chapter to clear up the inconsistencies I introduce with this chapter (Dogfish's username suddenly being capitalized, people not talking about timezones previously), or I could stick to the NaNoWriMo spirit and just keep moving forward. In the immortal words of Toby Fox, "[because it's free] I'm surrounded by a forcefield that destroys all complaints".
Chapter Text
# general-chat
# the-dungeon
Dogfish
Guys look at this fcugkign dog
Hold on
Fuck cmoe on
FUCK IT WON'T SEND
This is racism
Carlos
Hope you had a good night, Dog :P
Dogfish
I am fuck yuo
Why is the light on
Oh
FUck
Carlos
You alright?
Dogfish
Morning
Carlos
Yes it is. :)
Dogfish
I should. Slepe
Carlos
Yes you should. :)
See you tonight, Dog. Sweet dreams.
Dogfish
Thanks
Σpsilon
gay
Dogfish
Ok one fuck you. Two fuck you. I forgot what two was but now it's also fuck you
Σpsilon
also kinda gay
Carlos
Go to sleep, Dog.
You should too, Epsilon.
Dogfish
Yes mom
Σpsilon
now thats some oedipal shit
Dogfish
I am too tired to understnad that but fuck you anyway
Peace
Dung Meister
@everyone I think I am in danger and I don't know who else I can trust. I don't know where I am. Very shortly you are going to receive a link to a download a file. It contains my phone number, but do not call or text.
Σpsilon
what the fuck
hey dm you ok? holy shit
Carlos
Did you get the DM link? I can't download it now. I'm at work.
Σpsilon
the dm from dm yeah. dw i got this
im running some checks on it gotta make sure this isnt a phishing thing
dont click it yet
Carlos
Thanks. Keep us posted.
santa
just backread. any news?
santa
i swear to god epsilon. if you fell asleep at your computer again.
you piece of shit nocturnal dumbass.
Carlos
I haven't heard anything.
Are you at a computer? Can you try the link?
santa
like hell i'm doing that. sorry dumbass menagerie but i can't risk it on this machine.
maybe we can trick dogfish into downloading it for us first.
Snake
Recap?
santa
dm either got hacked or murdered or smth. don't open the link he dmed you.
epsilon's supposed to be making sure it's not a phishing thing but he hasn't been back in 5 hours. so he's probably asleep. looks like he stayed up all night.
dogfish definitely stayed up all night and probably got drunk. he hasn't seen the news so prep yourself for his freakout.
carlos is at work.
Snake
Thank you.
Are we certain that everyone received the same download link?
santa
idk but it's a url shortener.
not even a direct link to a download site or anything.
that's why i say wait on epsilon.
i'm working too. not enough time to look into it rn.
Carlos
My shift is up around 1. Tag me if there's any urgent news before then, or if anybody hears from DM.
Snake
I'll assume that's one o'clock PST. I have some errands I have to run. I'll try to be back by one as well. Until then.
Carlos
Yep. See you.
santa
god am i supposed to be dealing with this.
i work too you know. it's a wfh gig but i'm still working.
where's that fucking jobless basement rodent. get your ass together jesus.
Σpsilon
which one me or dogfish
anyway dm totally got hacked that shits fake as hell
@everyone ^^^^^
santa
YOU
what's the deal with the link, what is it
and why the fuck did that take so long jesus.
Σpsilon
listen bud im a growing boy
need my zzzz
santa
can you get your fucking zzz when maybe we're sure somebody we know isn't fucking dead or some shit.
Σpsilon
absolutely not have a nice day
anyway i spun up a quick burner instance on a remote server to click the link and it cycles thru like 5 redirects before hitting a zip dl
i dont trust like that™
santa
alright fuck. me neither tbh.
burner server for fucks sake
can you use your shitty hacker shit to track down dm. nobodys got any accounts on him except here right.
and so we can make sure dog shuts the fuck up about him being dead or some shit. you know he's gonna freak.
Σpsilon
idk dude
thats a tall order ykno
santa
ok.
i mean. i don't know. but ok.
worth a shot to try.
Σpsilon
yea maybe
lemme catch more zzzz and try again later :*
santa
do you do anything else except than sleep at inconvenient times.
Σpsilon
nah nm ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
santa
you're in PST too aren't you why the hell do you sleep like this.
god it wouldn't help if you were EST youre just a fucking monster
Σpsilon
no im a cat
>:3
santa
knifecat. got it.
i fucking hate you. go to sleep asshole
Dogfish
What the fuck
WHAT THE FUCK
@Dung Meister WHAT HAPPENED
santa
called it.
don't freak out dumbass we got it sorted.
snake and carlos are back at 1, epsilon checked the link dm sent us and it's bullshit.
he probably just got hacked it's nbd.
Dogfish
Did you guys open the files
santa
no because we're not fucking idiots.
dog did you fucking click the link
Dogfish
The one from DM yeah
santa
jesus
ok dont download anything it tells you to
Dogfish
Ok
Hypothetically
If i had already done that for some reason
Why would that be bad
And what should i do
santa
i'm blocking you.
i'm leaving this fucking group chat and i'm never talking to you again.
what the fuck dog.
Dogfish
Whhat
What did i do
santa
do you just download anything you see. is your machine infested with five million fucking viruses
Dogfish
What the hell it's just from DM
What happened to him
Is he ok
Σpsilon
hey dog can u download a file for me real quick called totally_safe_program.exe ill dm it to you
santa
i swear to god epsilon you never sleep. you just show up when it's convenient.
Σpsilon
cannot confirm or deny
lmao is dog dead already
did the russians get him
santa
i fucking wish.
@Snake i see you. recap is dogfish is a fucking dumbass and downloaded it.
Snake
Perfect. Thank you.
Dogfish
Ok this shit is weird
Σpsilon
is it nudes
ads for single chicks in your area
Dogfish
What
Σpsilon
whats in the file dude
its a zip right
dont unzip it just navigate w/o unzipping
Dogfish
I already unzipepd it
santa
aight fuck this. i'm leaving.
Σpsilon
dogfish i kin you
Dogfish
Do n't say those furry words at me
Σpsilon
bold statement from a guy whose username is dogfish
ok but seriously whats in it
Dogfish
Phone number like he said
Plus a bunch of other shit idk
Σpsilon
those are called viruses
Dogfish
No it's like
Text files just full of random shit
Σpsilon
yeah thats the malware
so did you call the number
Dogfish
He said to not call or text
Σpsilon
send him nudes
Dogfish
Die
Σpsilon
you first
santa
can you fight in dms so i don't have to look at this.
Carlos
Emergency at work. Be back later. Can't respond.
Σpsilon
hey take care
Dogfish
@Dung Meister This is why you shouldn't go invisible all the time
Now no one knows if you were online ever since this morning
Σpsilon
dog wtf are you doing
Dogfish
Venting
Σpsilon
wow
make a side twitter like the rest of us
Dogfish
What
Dogfish
None of us have server admin permissions
How are we supposed to give each other dumb nicknames
Carlos
You know this is exactly why he took away admin permissions, right?
Dogfish
Shut
God he's still dung meister
What if he is just dung meister forever
Σpsilon
everything ok at work?
Carlos
Yep, all good. Just checking in before I need to head out again. Visiting Maria. Tag me or DM me if you figure anything out, or if you hear from DM.
Σpsilon
@.Carlos i figured out i want her nurses number
Carlos
Nice try.
Σpsilon
thanks
im working on pickup lines for her
Carlos
I think she's married.
Σpsilon
tell her its ok im openminded about polyamorous relationships
Carlos
I'll think about it.
Snake
Should we perhaps revisit this situation with a bit more gravitas given that the file that dog downloaded does indeed contain DM's number, as claimed?
Σpsilon
dw just started a call w dog
screensharing
seeing whats up and whats real
scariest fuckin thing is it might be real
Snake
Would it not be remiss to contact the police, then?
Σpsilon
thing is we dont know shit abt dm irl
hello cops police my friend got murdered hes from the internet can you help
lmao dog i can see you typing
Dogfish
Hey fcuk yuo
Anyway
Σpsilon
LMAO did you not copypaste your message before you deleted it to say fuck me
snake hes typing it out again from scratch i fuckign stan this legend
oh there it goes again
did you copy it first this time
Dogfish
FUCK YUO
I AM HANGING UP GOOD BYE
I REGRET A LOT OF THINGS
Snake
I'm glad you all seem to be taking this very seriously.
Σpsilon
anyway he s tryna say we should give dms num to the police
what he doesnt know is thats stupid and im smarter than the cops and i can find his phone location faster
Dogfish
WAIT WHAT THE Fuck
Why didn't you say so
Σpsilon
i literally said it to santa like 2 hrs ago
im 90% sure i can hunt this guy down if youre still too chicken to send him nudes
Dogfish
SHUT YOUR FUCK
I AM HANGING UP ON YOU
Σpsilon
wow he really did it this time
the madman
its ok dog not everyone is comfortable w their body like that
i can send you nudes of me to send to him instead if you want
Dogfish
BLOCKED. BLOCKED.B LOCKED. NONE OF YOU ARE FREE OF SIN
Carlos
:(
Dogfish
FucK
One of you is free from sin. Only one
Carlos
:)
Snake
So our next course of action is to determine the location of DM's phone. Is this under the assumption that it's a mobile device?
Additionally, if we do find the location, what would our hypothetical next step even be?
Dogfish
Go find him
Carlos
Guess we could give that information to the police. Might be the best we can do, unless there's more information in the... oh.
Let's... not do that, Dog. :/
Dogfish
He said he didn't know who he can trust
If he could trust the police he would have told the police??? Right????
Snake
I'm skeptical of our friend's character if they have reasons they cannot trust the police with a problem they're having.
Dogfish
Idk maybe he's black
Carlos
That's... actually a good point.
Σpsilon
damn dog is #woke
Snake
Regardless of race, I sincerely doubt our best option is to form some kind of vigilante group of lawless heroes and expect to rescue DM from these mysterious circumstances.
Σpsilon
bruh why not
we got practice
that was literally our last campaign
Dogfish
Dude you are not selling this
Snake
I highly doubt it is fiscally viable for our entire party to fly out to DM's purported location on last-minute flights, not to mention the inevitable scheduling fiasco.
Dogfish
DM pays us back
It says in one of the files he gave me
"Any expenses you incur on my behalf will be reimbursed as soon as I can grant you access to my accounts. Understand that for security reasons I cannot provide any bank routing information in this file.
"
Snake
Does it say he's secretly a wealthy Nigerian prince, as well?
Σpsilon
well that adds up with him being black too
cracked the code everyone mystery solved
our buddys a deposed nigerian prince who needs funds to help him travel to america for amnesty can we pls send him some money he promises hell pay back later
Carlos
But DM doesn't stand to gain anything from us buying plane tickets. It's different if he were asking us to wire him money directly.
Dogfish
YEs
Thank you
Carlos
That's not me saying it's a good idea to chase him down.
Dogfish
Top 10 anime betrayals
Carlos
Just trying to provide all angles on the situation here.
Dogfish
Ok
Hypothetically speaking
If we have to go rescue DM
Who here is free to like. Fly some place tomorrow
I can do it
Σpsilon
i mean i guess tbh
Carlos
I'd have to juggle a couple of shifts at work, but it's not outside the realm of possibility. As long as it's not too far from me. Last thing I want is something happens with Maria while I'm away.
Snake
I can't say I have any pressing obligations.
Only objections.
Dogfish
Uuuugugghhhh snake
Snake
At this time, we don't even know where DM is.
I may reassess my opinions once we have enough information to put any plans into motion.
Σpsilon
hes in socal
Dogfish
WTF
DUDE
YOU HAVE TO TELL US WHEN U FIGURE SHIT OUT
Σpsilon
lmao take a chill pill my dude
hold your fuckin horses
idk where in socal
you just gonna fly out to la like
H-HEWWO DM AWE YOU THEWE????? HEWWO??????
Dogfish
Hey
Perish
Carlos
Hey, I'm in the area, at least.
Σpsilon
give us your best hewwo carlos!!!!! uwu
Dogfish
HWy are we friends
Σpsilon
bc i got your locale in socal bitches!!!!!!!
Dogfish
Wtf
He's in the middle of a park???
Carlos
L.A. proper, alright. I could make it down there by tomorrow afternoon.
Snake
It would take considerable effort for me to make it to Los Angeles, given that I'm currently located on the east coast.
Dogfish
Yeah fucking same
I am looking up flights and holy shit
Even if DM is going to pay me back i cannot fucking afford to cover this
Carlos
You want me to check it out alone? It's just a couple hours driving for me.
Dogfish
I mean i want to go
Snake
I believe Santa is located in southern Nevada. Not to offer his availability in his absence, but his work schedule is flexible. He'd likely be able to provide assistance to Carlos if needed.
Σpsilon
im in cali too
3 of us can squad up and get ya boi dm
Dogfish
Ok listen i get it but i want to fucking go
Idk i just want to be there
Σpsilon
awwww yeah group meetup
snake will you come if we dont call it a rescue mission
its just 5 online bros who wanna meet irl
Snake
I hope you mean "six".
Ideally we would have planned out such an event well in advance, but so be it.
I can't say I'm not available.
Dogfish
Cool
Now i just need to find like three hundred fucking dollars i can spend and not die
Σpsilon
dude you said dm can cover right
just use a credit card
wont charge till later
Dogfish
I do not have a credit card dumbass
Σpsilon
LMAO watch who youre callin a dumbass
how old are you
Dogfish
None of your business but 22
Σpsilon
dude
get a credit card
Dogfish
That takes like. Weeks
I need a plane ticket like. Now
Carlos
Not to mention cost for hotels.
Dogfish
God fucking damn it
Carlos
Here's an idea: everyone who doesn't have to get a plane ticket, we'll all pitch in to cover the cost of a hotel room.
We can probably squeeze into one room together.
Σpsilon
yea im good w that if dm really says he can cover
think of it like that snake
u gotta rush to meet ur bros sure but thats bc rn its free
Snake
Yes, I suppose I'll explicitly declare that I am intending to go.
I am searching for flights now.
Dogfish
Yeah ok does anyone have like 300 dollars lying around
Maybe 200
I can cover some of it but like
I have to pay rent next week
santa
jesus fuck check your dms.
Dogfish
What
Oh shit what
santa
fucking talk to me in dms you piece of shit.
ONLINE—5
Σpsilon
Carlos
Dogfish
santa
Snake
OFFLINE—1
Dung Meister
Chapter 3
Notes:
dark me: make another layout skin for the direct message screen specifically
darkest me, who loves himself: just. don't
Chapter Text
santa
Σpsilon
Carlos
DM
Snake
santa
alright don't go spreading this around.
but if you need some cash to cover you i can loan it.
dog fucking check your dms
holy shit are you still drunk or what.
jesus christ
I WANTED YOU TO TALK TO ME IN DMS FOR A REASON YOU SHITBAG
GET OVER HERE
Dogfish
Wow ok take a chill pill
santa
oh thats fucking fresh. coming from you.
you got paypal or venmo or something or you want me to just buy the ticket
Dogfish
What
Wait
What
santa
im coverin your ass to get to LA shithead
Dogfish
What the fresh fuck
Dude it is like. Three hundred fucking dollars at least
santa
i know. you only whined about it like 3 times already.
Dogfish
What the fuck
You can't do that
santa
yeah i can.
Dogfish
What the fuck. Are you secretly loaded
santa
i don't wanna get into details but i can spare a few hundred if you're 100% sure dm can get it back to me after.
plus i got a credit card can handle it. unlike some ppl i guess.
Dogfish
How do people just
Get credit cards
You have to have credit to build credit it is fucked
santa
finance lesson for later. if your parents have good credit and theyre cool w it they can put your name on their credit card and build your credit in the bg
if not you can throw down a deposit for a secured credit card. it's shitty and you don't get any perks but it builds credit.
think rent payments should build credit too but it might not be enough data to get you approved for a major credit card.
Dogfish
Ok so like
You are. Secretly rich
santa
i know personal finance.
majored in it in college.
Dogfish
YUo major ed in money
santa
lmao. majoring in finance doesn't make you rich. trust me.
you gonna give me a paypal or what.
Dogfish
I do not have paypal. Or venmo
santa
course you fucking dont.
aight what airport you flying out of. im probably gonna find you a better ticket than whatever you're lookin at.
Dogfish
Are you fucking serious
santa
yeah. are you
you wanna chase down your buddy dm or not
Dogfish
I mean
Yeah
santa
cool.
gonna get you flying into the same airport as snake this way too.
do me a solid and meet up with him and get him to the park with you ok
payback for lending you money or somethin.
Dogfish
Haha. Solid snake
Anyway why
santa
.
Dogfish
Look i will do it ok
I am kind of in your debt here or whatever
santa
you fucking better.
asshole.
Dogfish
Uh
Ok
santa
aight let's get this fucking over with.
ONLINE—5
Σpsilon
Carlos
Dogfish
santa
Snake
OFFLINE—1
DM
Chapter Text
# general-chat
# the-dungeon
Snake
You have to consider that all of our cognitive processes that determine emotions and sensations boil down to our interpretation of electrical signals.
I don't see why you couldn't teach a robot to love.
Σpsilon
but does it know
does it really know
Snake
Do you know?
Σpsilon
wow fuck
its like the part in i robot where will smith says robots cant write a symphony and the robots like neither can u fuckface
you big memer
Snake
That's not quite the same argument.
This is more in the vein of Plato's allegory of the cave, or any of the numerous schools of philosophy that discriminate between the natural world and human perception.
In this case, I suppose, robot perception.
Σpsilon
so my roomba knows i love her
Snake
Absolutely not.
Σpsilon
:'(
Dogfish
Ok what the absolute fuck are you talking about
Σpsilon
if we make robots that fuck will they fall in love with us
Snake
The distinction between the emotions of humans and those of a hypothetical, sophisticated artificial intelligence programmed to react to stimuli via artificial synapses intended to mimic human neurology.
I don't believe the stipulation that they were sex robots ever entered the conversation until this point?
santa
god we leave you alone for 5 minutes and this is the kinda shit you get up to.
Σpsilon
it was like 30 min my dude
i got scared
i panicked
had to talk about sex robots
Dogfish
Well that is some kind of freud bullshit there
Σpsilon
lmao NOW you know about freud
this morning you missed my sick oedipus complex joke
Dogfish
HWat
Carlos
Diana's stopping in now, Epsilon, want me to tell her about this conversation we're having?
Σpsilon
FUCK
MY WEAKNESS
CUTE GIRLS
you win this time carlos
Dogfish
I have no idea what just happened but thank you carlos
Carlos
No problem ;)
Any message you do wanna pass along?
Σpsilon
hhhhhhh im too shy
u///u
Dogfish
You have never been shy once in your life
Like an hour ago you were going to send nudes to DM
Σpsilon
yeah but dianas a cute girl
have 2 b classy
Dogfish
How do you know DM is not a cute girl
Σpsilon
damn......... fuckin called out........
guess i gotta say then........
Dogfish
...
Say what
Σpsilon
why im not tellin yall this is a stupid as fuck idea to go chasing dm
why i think hes really in some shit and its a big fuckin deal
and why i believe him when he says hes gonna pay us back
santa
he fuckin better. whats the deal
Σpsilon
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gentarou_Hongou
thats our fuckin dm
ceo of a huge pharma company
when i did the ip trace and looked up the number it all went back to this guy
we got ourselves some kinda celebrity
if he says hes in danger
shits goin down
santa
aight.
holy fuck, i guess.
Carlos
Yeah. You said it.
Holy crap.
santa
snake you need a recap
summary. whatever.
Snake
I believe I've gleaned enough information from the messages in here. Does the article have any additional information I need to be aware of?
santa
nah thats. probably good.
jesus christ.
Dogfish
What the actual fuck is happening
Σpsilon
idk dude
what IS happening
whos around to look for our guy
and when
Dogfish
I got a flight for ass o clock tonight
Carlos
You gonna be okay with the money?
Dogfish
Yeah its chill
I got it figured out
Snake
I too have secured a flight to get me to Los Angeles by tomorrow morning.
Dog fish and I will need to secure transportation from LAX to the rendez-vous point in the park, if anyone knows a public transit option or could offer a lift?
Σpsilon
lmao lax is as far as i know i can get w/o a car
who wants to pick up 3 beefy boys from the airport :3
Snake
Two beefy boys at maximum, I assure you.
Carlos
I'll be coming down to LA in my truck, if a couple of you don't mind squeezing into the back. I can make a pitstop at the airport.
Santa, how are you getting in?
santa
driving too. but im more flexible with time.
you said you can only get to la in the afternoon right
these guys get in early.
i can pick em up.
Carlos
Good point. Yeah, I can try to get in at three at the earliest, but I've got another 8 hour shift tomorrow morning.
Dogfish
Wait
I am too lazy to look up the white woman doing math meme but imagine it
8 hours. Plus 2 hours driving. Where
How does that add up to 3
Carlos
My shifts start at 5 am, Dog.
Dogfish
What the FUCK
Carlos
At least, this week. Remember how tired I was last night when we were wrapping up the campaign?
Σpsilon
and dog was making fun of you for being a tired old man
rude as fuck
Dogfish
I take back everything i said
Carlos braver than any us marine
santa
cool.
so i pick up the boys from lax. get em somethin to eat probably.
meet up in the park at 3.
we can figure out a hotel too. probably got the time.
Dogfish
Fuck yeah
This shit is real now
@Dung Meister We are coming for you fucko
santa
go pack, dumbass.
your flights soon.
Dogfish
Fuck you
You are not wrong but fuck you anyway
santa
and carlos. fucking sleep dude.
you got what. 2 hours last night.
Carlos
Still with Maria running on my fourth cup of coffee, but that's the plan when I get home, promise.
santa
everybody got data and mobile so we can chat each other or we gotta exchange numbers.
drop your # in here if you need and we can all text it.
Dogfish
I am good
Carlos
Been on mobile all day, yep :)
Σpsilon
you bet ur ass i got unlimited data bitches
Snake
I may be slow to respond but I will have coverage.
I'd be just as slow via SMS messaging, to be clear.
santa
drop your # if you need someone to give you a call. play it by ear.
Snake
I am known to have a talent for that.
Very well. I'll be largely unresponsive for the rest of the night, since I too have to pack.
santa
you gonna be aight with that. got anybody to help
Snake
My sister has already agreed to drop me off at the airport. I'm sure I can persuade her to help me choose outfits for a few days.
santa
cute as fuck. good shit.
Σpsilon
santa still playin team mom even after the campaign :')
cute as fuck. good shit.
santa
cause if theres anything i learned today its that you fucks are a bunch of dumbass children who dont know shit.
walking disasters.
Dogfish
Excuse you this is carlos erasure
santa
sorry. couldnt hear you over the sound of carlos getting 4 cups of coffee and 2 hrs of sleep and calling it even.
you all suck.
dog you shoudl be fucking packing.
Carlos
Called out...
Dogfish
I do what i want
santa
thought you wanted to get on a plane and help your buddy dm out.
Dogfish
That has nothing to do with packing
I will go nude
Σpsilon
you wont SEND nudes but youll GO nude?????
Dogfish
Yes
As long as there is no photographic evidence
Pics or it did not happen. As they say
Σpsilon
ill take pics ;)
Dogfish
BLOCKED
santa
can everyone just fucking leave.
santa
cool. still dont know how that fuckin worked.
im all squared away for this shit. be at the airport by 11 am.
see you fucks tomorrow.
ONLINE—5
Σpsilon
Carlos
Dogfish
santa
Snake
OFFLINE—1
Dung Meister
Chapter Text
santa
DM
Σpsilon
Carlos
Snake
Dogfish
Flkjsdjfhj,.
I am. Here
Let me off the plane fucker
santa
morning sunshine.
don't go too far. snake's flight is comin in soon.
need you to pick him up before you leave the terminals.
Dogfish
Why
Oh shit we can get off the plane now. Bye losers
santa
no way in hell im getting thru security in lax this morning. could barely fuckin park.
you gotta pick him up. bring him out with you.
Dogfish
What is he a little kid
Because i will have you know i am an infant. A baby
I literally have never flown on a plane alone before and i have decided that i hate it
santa
damn. you really are a baby.
Dogfish
Um excuse you
No one can make fun of me for being a baby except me
Check yourself
santa
snakes gonna be at terminal 7 in a half hour. get your ass over there.
Dogfish
I will put my ass wherever the fuck i want
Where is epsilon
santa
why are you asking me.
i didnt manage his flight schedule.
Dogfish
Then why are you micromanaging mine
santa
because you're a baby and you need it.
Dogfish
Ugh
Shut
How the fuck do i get to terminal whatever. Where am i
santa
jesus
you're at terminal 5. you need to get to terminal 7.
idk how you get there im not your fuckin. tech guy runnin a heist or somethin
can you read
Dogfish
No i have been faking it this whole time how did you know
santa
then look at the fucking signs. theyre probably everywhere.
Dogfish
You know this weird thing you do
When you are actually mad. You say fuckign
Fucking**
And when you are just messing around. You say fuckin
santa
less texting more walking buddy
god its literally like babysitting with you
Dogfish
I am walking and texting
I have the powerful ability to multitask
Ok if i see terminal 4. Does that mean i am going the wrong way
santa
since its you. yeah. im gonna guess so.
just fuckin. ask somebody
Dogfish
See that is how i know you are not actually mad
santa
your litmus test needs some calibration dude.
im at my wits end here i stg.
Dogfish
Ok i think i am going the right way now
santa
did you ask somebody.
Dogfish
Absolutely not who the fuck do you think i am
santa
.
Dogfish
Why did you even send me to get snake
I am literally the worst at navigation
My very existence screams disaster
santa
well youre gonna be a little bit better than him i figure.
Dogfish
Press x to doubt
santa
yea i guess so.
santa
snakes flight is in. gate 74.
hope you found that fuckin terminal.
Dogfish
What hello
Ok im at 7
I have to go to 74????? What the fuck
santa
terminal 7. gate 74. go inside the terminal shitbrains. find his gate.
Dogfish
Geez who is the baby now
Has to get picked up right from the gate
Your boy dogfish made it all by himself like a big boy
Dogfish graduates from infant to toddler
santa
god youre an asshole. you know that?
Dogfish
What
Oh shit. More numbers
Ok i got this. I can count to 74
Wtf theres letters too. I can't count to letters
Oh 74 does not have letters. Ok
Bam. I am. Here
Where is my little boy
I want to see him
santa
sorry epsilon was messaging me
are people leaving the gate yet or nah
Dogfish
No it is deserted here dude
santa
ok. then use this thing. you might not know about it. called fucking patience.
Dogfish
How do i know if i see him
What does he look like
Does he look like solid snake
santa
well yesterday he said hes not a beefy boy and i think thats all were gonna get realistically speaking.
Dogfish
Damn. Solid snake is beefy. Guess not
Ok well what is he wearing
I see you typing and no
I am not askign him
That is weird as fuck
You ask him for me
santa
dude hes not gonna have any idea.
Dogfish
What
Are you asking or am i just looking for one (1) non beefy boy
santa
hang im tryna get a picture of him from his sister
Dogfish
God this would be so much easier if he would just answer his messages
Aaaaaaaaa people are coming out
A LOT OF THEM ARE NOT BEEFY BOYS. WHAT DO I DO
santa
Dogfish
Oh great
A picture where hes blinking
Thanks it was useless
santa
look at his weirdass hair. like hell it was useless.
Dogfish
Yeah ok
Thanks
Time to play wheres waldo but with weirdass hair
santa
good luck bud.
Dogfish
Dude
Wtf
santa
what.
Dogfish
He has a white cane
Like. For blind people
santa
oh shit we're a coupla dumbasses huh.
thats how you coulda recognized him the whole time.
Dogfish
He's blind???????
santa
dude.
what. the fuck.
how many fucking times does he have to talk about his screenreader
are you a fucking idiot.
you know how i have to fucking transcribe every stupid piece of shit dog picture you send in the group chat?
why the fuck did you think i was doing that.
and your fucking shitpost memes too jesus christ.
you thought i was just doing that for fucking fun or what.
i haven't said more than 3 good things about you in my life but im tellin you right now i regret all of them.
jesus fucking christ.
Dogfish
Ok holy shit dude
First
How dare you call my dog pictures stupid pieces of shit
Second i thought he just had a shit connection and the images did not show up
Like his messages are always really slow too
santa
they're SLOW because he's FUCKING BLIND.
he's using a screenreader and text to voice.
Dogfish
I GOT THAT NOW OK
santa
are you gonna go get him or are you gonna leave his blind ass to wander around lost and just keep sending me your bullshit.
Dogfish
Shut up
Uh what the fuck
Oh fuck
What the FUCk
santa
the fuck is happening to you dude.
did you get snake or not.
Dogfish
I think i found epsilon
Brb
santa
thats not the blind one who needs your help as far as i know but sure. fuckin leave snake hangin for longer i guess.
Dogfish
Oh yeah we got light
I mean snake
His name is light like what the fuck you anime ass motherfucker
Ok i guess you gave the directions to epsilon because he is leading us now
Which. Ok. Fair
But i don't like it
Uhhh
See you soon i guess
Since. You are not responding
Which. Ok. Also fair
ONLINE—5
Σpsilon
Dogfish
santa
OFFLINE—1
Carlos
DM
Snake
Chapter Text
The first thing to come to Junpei’s mind when he first saw the man he knew as Snake was, no, that can’t be right. Light Field caught his eye immediately—his ear first, to be certain, with the gentle swish and tap of his white cane as he made his way up the jet bridge—because he was one of those unique persons who seemed to glow with an importance that set him apart from the crowd. His buttoned shirt fit his narrow frame quite loosely, held to his silhouette by an open vest and the high waist of his slim trousers. Though his tousled, shaggy, ash-blond hair matched the photo sent by Santa, Junpei suffered a long moment of disbelief before he accepted that this man was Snake. He looked less like the nerd with the snippy remarks from their DND group, and more like a foreign dignitary, perhaps even a prince. This was all without even taking into consideration the presence of the white cane.
Before Junpei could make his approach, another man came up to Snake—another man whom Junpei recognized. It was the exact man in the profile picture for the user named Dogfish.
Though no taller than Snake, this man was much broader. He was, as Σpsilon might say, a beefy boy. His T-shirt was undoubtedly a size too small for him, the cuffs desperately gripping the groove between his deltoids and his biceps as he hefted one of Snake’s bags over his shoulder. He wore a winsome smile as he started to chat with Snake, a smile that changed flavor but did not fade—perhaps even grew deeper—as he laid eyes on Junpei approaching.
“Well, now,” he said, and his voice was almost unfairly mellow. “Don’t you look familiar.”
Indeed, Junpei did look familiar, to those who were looking. He was, of course, the subject of Σpsilon’s profile picture.
The man shifted Snake’s bag to his other shoulder to free up his right hand for shaking. “You must be Epsilon,” he said. “It’s me. Dogfish.”
Junpei squeezed the man’s hand fiercely at this. This was a mistake, since he was obviously not the one with the superior grip strength out of the pair, and the other made it clear with his retaliatory clench. His smile only deepened.
“Name’s Sigma,” he said. “And here’s our boy, Snake.”
Snake smoothed away a confused frown once mentioned. “I’m not at all conditioned to respond to that name, so please, call me Light,” he insisted. “Shall we call you Epsilon, or—”
“Junpei,” he said immediately, through gritted teeth, all but wrenching his hand away from Sigma’s. “I’m Junpei.”
“Nice. Squad full of strong, secure boys who don’t need to go by their Internet nicknames in the real world,” Sigma said, his grin back to its jollier state. “Now, let’s go meet Santa Claus.”
“You know where he is?” Junpei asked with a frown.
“Hell yeah, I do,” replied Sigma. He turned to lead, throwing a wink over his shoulder at Junpei. “What do you take me for, some kinda idiot?”
“Frankly, from our chat history, yes,” replied Light.
Junpei barely stifled a sharp response. Sigma gave him another glance over his shoulder, and then another wink.
“Okay, fair,” said Sigma.
Junpei didn’t intend to give the middle finger to Sigma’s back; it was just that Sigma turned around too quickly to see him raise it.
Santa’s car was a 2018 model Mercedes-Benz coupe with a genuine AMG engine. Junpei only knew this because, upon encountering the car in the parking lot, Sigma immediately began asking about the car’s specs with enthusiastic interest. Had Junpei been asked to describe it, he would have called it “a silver car with two doors that looks fancy and new”. Perhaps, had Light been asked, he would have called it “small, but quiet, and took me where I needed to go”.
Junpei did not know what he had been expecting to see when he met Santa, but Aoi wasn’t it. He was a wiry thing, with a resting facial expression that held as much habitual scorn as his harshly punctuated messages. His entire image seemed to have been molded by spite. The desert-dweller dressed solely in black, baring only his shoulders and arms in his sleeveless hoodie—even his hands were covered by a pair of black leather driving gloves with metal-studded cuffs. His heavy, studded pants were tucked into a pair of boots with dust in the soles but clean leather. Though Japanese, his hair was bleached white and styled wild. They found him sitting against the roof of his car in the lot, “soaking up the sun”. He gave the closest approximation in his varied facial repertoire to a smile when he recognized the three boys rolling up towards him.
“These the beefy boys?” he called out in a voice even sharper than the points of his brown shoulders and elbows. “God, Dogfish, you look even more like a tool in person.”
Again, Junpei had to stop himself from bristling up. Sigma, however, only extended his hand for the shaking with a hearty smile. “Please, call me Sigma,” he said. “Dogfish is my father’s name.”
He glanced to his left to give Junpei a quick wink as he shook Aoi’s gloved hand, and then Junpei bristled.
“Fuckin’ idiot,” Santa muttered, giving Junpei and Light glances as he picked at the cuff of his glove. “He tell you guys yet how he didn’t even fuckin’ know Snake was blind till today? Light, sorry.”
The pause and glance he gave to Light after correcting himself on the name was enough time for Sigma to control the surprise rising up to his eyes and channel it into a sheepish laugh. “Look!” he said, doubling over to hide his face for a few seconds longer. “I’m a dumbass. We all know this. We all accept this. Okay?”
“I don’t accept it,” Junpei sniped.
Santa arched a single brow as his eyes slid over to the weird little rodent of a man he recognized as Σpsilon. “Well,” he said, “you’re even more unpleasant in person.”
“Are you just gonna stand here and insult us all?” Junpei asked.
“Like you don’t all deserve it,” Santa retorted. But he had no remark for Light.
He reached into his pocket to pop the trunk of his fancy car, which had Sigma marveling over its make and model for a few minutes, peering under its hood once given Aoi’s permission. While loading the suitcases into the trunk, Junpei was marveling over the size of the make and model, peering into its tinted windows to see if there were even four seats in the car beyond the coupe’s only two doors. When he caught Junpei staring, Aoi wordlessly reached in his open driver-side door to pull the seat release. He gave a jerk of a nod to gesture him inside, then waved Sigma over, too.
“Aw, hell, no,” Sigma protested. “I’m a big boy. A growing boy. I ain’t gonna fit in the back.”
Aoi lifted his sunglasses to level Sigma with a glare. “You wanna make this a little easier on the guy who can’t fuckin’ see?” he snapped. “His legs gotta be as long as yours, anyway.”
Light answered this question for both of them by making his way to the door, touching the open frame, and stooping down to quietly and politely ask, “Junpei, could you shift over to the other side?” before sliding effortlessly into the backseat. His hands found both ends of the seatbelt and he was buckled in seconds.
The engine revved when Aoi dropped into the driver’s seat and pushed the ignition (pushed, of course, because it was a fancy new car). “Alright, boys,” he said, “whaddya want for lunch?”
“In-N-Out,” Junpei called out immediately, because if there’s one thing you learn about the west coast while going to a big college on the east, it’s that no one from California can shut up about In-N-Out, so it must be at least kinda good.
Sigma’s arm spilled over the back of the seat when he turned around to give Junpei a broad, downright giddy smile, like he couldn’t contain just how excited he was about going to In-N-Out. To be expected of someone from the west coast.
Their route decided, Junpei finally took out his phone.
Chapter 7
Notes:
this should....... hopefully explain some things
Chapter Text
Σpsilon
santa
DM
Carlos
Snake
Dogfish
Ok
What the fuck
Look at your phone fuckface
Σpsilon
duuuuuude i had no idea you were the fuckin meme man
making a new acc & stealing my pic in retaliation is way more power moves than i gave you credit for
props
well played
Dogfish
What
Wait
The meme man?????
Σpsilon
you were goin around on 4chan for a little while
smaller circles dw
no crazy alt right fuckheads or doxxers or w/e
everyone was posting pictures of things that looked like knifecat
you were a hit
Dogfish
Ok wtf
I was a meme and i did no teven know
Σpsilon
tragic bro
yeah man i was just usin ur pic for a laff
how did you know it was me tho!!
can i give u a better picture
thats not my good side
Dogfish
I uh
Just googled for a picture
Σpsilon
no yeah but how did you know how to google me dumpass
you didnt know shit abt computers yesterday but you doxxed me from my burner acct
or wait
DID you
oh my god did you even know that picture was me
Dogfish
DONT TURN AROUND AND LOOK AT ME SHITHEAD
Σpsilon
oh yeah cuz lights gonna see us
oh my god you fucking star junpei
god i cant wait to tell all my friends that knifecatboy is named junpei and hes my friend and hes a giant dumbass
Dogfish
WE ARE NOT FRIENDS
Σpsilon
what did you even google to get my picture
"incredibly handsome dude"
"absolutely shredded young man"
"me but hotter"
Dogfish
I will kill you
Why are you pretending to be me
Σpsilon
dude
im not
its just a meme
i shopped the knife on it myself
Dogfish
Right NOW jack ass
Σpsilon
im not trying to be u online or w/e its just a funny picture
oh
Dogfish
Why are you still pretending to be me in real fucking life
Σpsilon
i gotchu my b
i mean i did it first bc you played me
was gonna take the fall and pretend to be the absolute dumbass of the 2 of us
now you get the reputation of being the cool one who knows how to computers and has a credit card and KNEW LIGHT WAS BLIND BEFORE YOU MET HIM
do you really wanna give that up pei
Dogfish
I do not want your shitty reputation
I will own my dumbassery
Σpsilon
ok big boy
then tell em the truth
Dogfish
WELL NOW IT IS GONNA BE AWKWARD
Σpsilon
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
then dont
Dogfish
They are going to find out eventually
When i am a huge dumbass and you are a piece of shit
Σpsilon
ok you should know this by now but
im learning that youre slow as fuck on the uptake so
i am incapable of being embarrassed
if thats the angle youre goin for
Dogfish
UUUGGGUHGUHGHGHUGHGUGUHGUHGH
Σpsilon
fuck yeah its another victory for sigma balls
ONLINE—5
Σpsilon
Dogfish
santa
OFFLINE—1
Carlos
DM
Snake
Chapter 8
Notes:
ao3: we added emoji support finally so you don't have to do the most convoluted CSS trickery ever to put emojis in your works!
me: could you have fixed that maybe just three weeks agoanyway i got so excited about it that even though i'm on a prose chapter i had to sneak one emoji in. and you bet i'm going to be trying to tell this narrative in chatlogs as much as possible even though they're all in person because it is so much easier to write. don't think i'll be finishing this for NaNoWriMo >> but now that the momentum's here, it'll still get slowly worked on for the next few months while pick my other projects back up. maybe I'll go back and edit the previous chapters to add in Carlos's crying-laughing emoji that he definitely added to the end of a lot of his messages in my head
Chapter Text
“It’s good, sure, but it’s kind of overrated,” said Sigma of In-N-Out when they had finished eating, and it was one of the only things he had said all day that Junpei didn’t feel tarnished the Dogfish name.
“But you’re glad you went,” Junpei added, “right?”
“Sure, yeah,” Sigma said, giving those same sneaky eyes across the table that he’d been taunting Junpei with since they first met.
Aoi’s system GPS was still loading its maps when Sigma excitedly pointed his beefy arm across the windshield to the famous west coast burger joint heralding them as they departed from the airport lot. “This is gonna be the shittiest, busiest In-N-Out in the world,” Aoi grumbled, but he pulled in nonetheless. Once their lunch was through, he offered to take them downtown to wander and take in the sights while he made calls to nearby hotels for vacancies and prices. Light declined, saying he wasn’t one for wandering, much less taking in sights, and nobody liked the idea of Sigma and Junpei wandering the city, whether together or alone, so they all just rode in awkward silence in Aoi’s car as he started placing Bluetooth calls.
His sharp voice slipped into something buttery and pleasant when the concierge picked up. It was elegant, with an air of diplomacy that made Junpei think there was something being said underneath the surface that he wasn’t sophisticated enough to hear. Perhaps Light wasn’t the foreign dignitary in the group, despite appearances, it was Aoi, with his smooth-talking, no-nonsense attitude, and deep pockets. (Or perhaps they both were, and that’s why their conversation over lunch had been so familiar and absolutely dry with their matching wit.)
Sigma was closer to the mark when Aoi cheerfully hung up the phone and he immediately said, “Wow, you must work in customer service.”
Aoi barked a laugh, back to his brusque ways as he tucked the phone into his pocket. “Sorta,” he said. “Talk to customers a lot, anyway. Lotta phone calls.”
“What do you even do?” Junpei asked, sending a glance down at the black leather seats.
After a suspicious stare through the rearview mirror, Aoi shrugged and said, “Investment firm. Banking shit.”
“Oh, shit, you do stocks?” Sigma said with a devilish grin. “So you’re like, on Wall Street?”
“Ain’t no Wall Street in Nevada, dumbass,” Aoi grumbled, and that was the last that was said about that. “Aight, somebody decide where we’re goin’ for the next couple hours till Carlos gets here or I’m just gonna drive into the middle of the city and park in the first spot I find.”
“He actually says ‘aight’ in real life,” Sigma whispered to the back seat passengers, and Aoi slapped him in the shoulder without taking his eyes off the road.
No one had any brighter ideas than Hollywood, so they made their way. Light seemed to purposely thwap his cane against the ankles of anyone who tried to get in front of him as they ambled down the Walk of Fame, as he assured them, “I don’t need leading.” Sigma, in the meantime, was reading off the notable stars as they passed them. It could have passed as being for Light’s benefit if Sigma were not so prone to slipping in false names so often, like “Barney the Dinosaur” and “oh, there she is, my favorite actress, Hatsune Miku!” And each time, Light lifted up his cane to give Sigma a sharp tap on the shin with pinpoint accuracy. Once they finished their circuit up Hollywood Boulevard and back down Sunset Boulevard, they ended up at yet another In-N-Out. A ping in the server from Carlos telling @everyone he’d been let off work early and was on his way was the only thing keeping Sigma from going in and getting another burger. They folded themselves back up into Aoi’s car, which pulled out of its parallel-parked spot just as swiftly as Aoi had backed into it, one hand twirling around the steering wheel as the other manned the clutch.
Lincoln Park was on the cusp of a much more residential district, where the roads didn’t run strictly perpendicular and parallel, and even where they did, they were lined with houses with sloped roofs. The park itself was a neat little center of recreation, with a gym at one end and a theater at the other, a pond in the center, and a skate park and a couple of baseball diamonds nestled into the remaining space left in that slice of greenery. Carlos spotted them from his spot at a lakeside bench, one eye on a kids’ ball game and the other on the ducks floating across the water.
Carlos, they all knew, was a bit of a normie. It was evident from the way he capitalized and punctuated his messages, the hours he kept, the infrequency with which he was online, the limited emoticons in his vocabulary. They expected an ordinary man.
They got an Adonis.
When a tall blond with a handsome jaw and a heart-melting smile lifted up a sun-kissed arm and jogged to the middle of the path in front of their motley crew, Junpei figured a stranger wanted their attention to ask for directions, for the time, for someone to take his picture in front of the lake for his beautiful wife and children back home. Instead, he asked, “Are you my guys? It’s Carlos.”
Junpei went into a short daze as everyone exchanged smiles, laughs, handshakes, and names. He only came to when a warm hand was holding his, firmly, and he heard Carlos saying, “Epsilon, right?”
He tried not to cringe as he immediately cut in with his real name. Sneering, Sigma slung much too familiar an arm for Σpsilon, though perhaps not for Dogfish, across Carlos’s shoulders. “Gang’s all here,” he said. “Ready to play hide-and-seek?”
Carlos pointed some distance down the bank, his finger revolving around a vague gesture. “That’s where the coordinates you gave us are at,” he said. “Not sure what we’re supposed to be looking for, but… guess that’s where we start.”
“What is this, a scavenger hunt?” Aoi muttered. He gave a small nudge to point Light in the right direction, then they were stepping (and swishing and tapping) towards the rendez-vous point.
“I mean, his phone should still be here, right?” Sigma said, then glanced at Junpei. “Unless it moved since yesterday.”
Then everybody was looking at Junpei. And Junpei was looking at Sigma, envisioning what it would be like if his fist went through the teeth of that smug grin. Unseen from the back of the group, Sigma rolled his eyes and mouthed, “Check your phone.”
As Junpei dug it out of his jeans pocket with noncommittal stutters about how he wasn’t sure he was going to be able to check on it from his phone, Light, and then Aoi, peeled away from their small crowd. The preview on Junpei’s lock screen was a friendly “😘” from Σpsilon. When he opened the full chat, Sigma’s previous two messages read “dw its still there” and “we good bro”.
“Nope, yep, nothing changed,” Junpei offered, shoving the phone back away. “So… uh, it’s here. Somewhere. Yeah.”
Sigma’s hand was large enough that when he planted it on top of Junpei’s head, he could clamp onto the temples with his fingertips and, with a pivot of his wrist, turn Junpei around, pointedly ignoring the whine he got in response. Light had stopped walking several paces ago, with Aoi by his side. Both Carlos and Sigma had stopped to watch Light trace his cane over a brick at the edge of a patch of concrete. Aoi stooped down, gently lifted the loose brick, and let out a low whistle. He held up a small, black rectangle, glinting in the sunlight in the pattern of a cracked screen.
“Whoops, hope it was like that before it got trapped under a brick and stepped on for a day and a half,” said Sigma.
There were only two pieces of information they could get from the phone, and those were the following: first, it still had the default branded image set as the background; second, it was locked with a password of indeterminate length. Aoi handed it to Junpei to examine first, under the impression, of course, that this was the techie Σpsilon and not the dumbass Dogfish. Junpei passed the phone off to Sigma after pretending to putter over it for a little while, when in reality his brain kept repeating the thought that the last person to hold this phone before him and Santa had been his DM.
“Maybe there’s a password in that shit I downloaded,” Sigma said, frowning. “That’s on my laptop, though.” He followed that up with a quick glance at Junpei, who rolled his eyes.
“Aight, so we bring this shit back to the hotel and do some honest-to-god detective work?” Aoi said.
Although Carlos hadn’t stopped smiling since they first met him, now it faltered into something more skeptical. “You don’t think we should just turn this into the police and see if they can help us?”
“Nope, cops are evil,” Sigma replied, peering into the phone’s microSD slot.
“That can be plan B,” Aoi said. “Tell you what I do know about cops, they’re slow if you don’t got enough info for them to do shit. We go to them if we can’t get to the bottom of this, or we get to the bottom and there ain’t anything else we can do.”
“Before heading to the hotel,” Light said, “perhaps we could investigate the area further to see if there’s anything else here for us to find? And, of course, by ‘we’, I mean ‘you’.”
“You’re the one who found the phone in the first place!” Aoi said, giving him a shove.
“Pair off, split up, and search?” suggested Carlos.
When Sigma slung an arm across Carlos’s shoulders, Carlos’s smile did that uncomfortable twitch again. “I’m goin’ with my buddy,” Sigma declared.
“I’m with Light,” Aoi said with a shrug.
Junpei flicked his eyes between the two pairs. “Well, I probably trust myself alone about as much as you guys do,” he muttered, and with a glance at Sigma and Carlos, he added, “and I definitely don’t trust you two alone.”
Sigma’s grin was one of delighted surprise, and it was a challenge. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
Junpei glanced around again, very aware of all the eyes on him, and wondering how to say something Σpsilon would say without compromising on the fact that he hoped Sigma would drop dead on the spot.
“You know.”
Maybe Σpsilon would have said it with a cheeky smile instead of a shrug. It looked like Sigma certainly said everything with a cheeky smile, and it was starting to get on Junpei’s nerves.
Chapter Text
# general-chat
# the-dungeon
santa
ayo shitheads who has the phone.
dms phone. i passed it to one of you.
Σpsilon
lmao
imagine if we lost that shit rn after all that
santa
can you fucking ask your guys if they got it. with your fucking mouth.
Σpsilon
i think doggies got it but hes takin a piss
Dogfish
Never call me that again
Actuall.y Never speak to me avgain
Never speak about me. NEver think about me. Go get hypsnosis and erase everym emory of me from your mind
Yes i have the phoen
Carlos
They're getting along well, I promise.
Σpsilon
i lov sigma ❤❤❤❤
Dogfish
Yuo are dead
Σpsilon
say that to my face >:3
Carlos
He said it to Junpei's face.
santa
god i cant even fuckin keep you guys straight.
whos junpei, whos sigma, who gives a shit, youre both fuckin idiots.
Dogfish
I am junpei
Σpsilon
im straight
Carlos
Dog is Sigma. Epsilon is Junpei.
santa
can we just fuckin call you guys your handles. everybody else i can keep straight except you fsr.
Dogfish
Absolutey not
Σpsilon
what if like
i call u dog
but its like yo dawg whatsup
Dogfish
Hm what if you did
santa
are you even fuckin lookin around or just texting each other
get a room.
Σpsilon
you already got us a room ;o
Dogfish
Please gert two
Σpsilon
one for me and sigma and one for everybody else
Dogfish
Please kill me
Carlos
I'm actually looking, don't worry.
You guys had any luck?
santa
nah. dont even know what to look for. kind of a shitshow.
hotel room opens up soon if yall wanna call it quits and head over.
can take 2 cars and shit. carlos you got room for 3 right.
Σpsilon
yea lmao wtf are we even looking for
Dogfish
My frined
Σpsilon
this is so weird like
it would make sense if discord used wysiwyg font style shit
and dog is like
stuck on bold
but no
hes putting the fucking double stars around every message for the past 5 messages
Dogfish
Hell yeah i am
Σpsilon
also he obv doesnt have spellcheck on but he still has auto capitals
Dogfish
No i specificaly captilize the first leteer of everyt mesage
Σpsilon
JHGHGDHGKHG YOU FUCKINGN HERO DOG
Dogfish
Thank you
Finally some god damn respect aroudn here
Carlos
Just saw your message, Santa. No thanks to these guys.
What time is the room ready? How far's the hotel?
santa
dmed you details.
my names spelled aoi btw.
Carlos
Hah. Saw right through me.
Snake
Hello, everyone. Aoi is now driving, so I'll be in charge of our communications for the duration of the voyage.
Okay this is Alli guys you have got to get a load of this screen reader shitty literally says the punctuation and capitalization for everything he had to spell my name out loud
Σpsilon
ooooo whos alli
is she hot
did light pick up a hot chick
Dogfish
God if dm was here i would make him change santas username right now
Snake
Aoi is very amused by my phone's rendition of Sigma's messages.
Σpsilon
ok light im gonna send a message in like a min can u make it read out loud
Snake
If it so pleases me.
Σpsilon
4️⃣2️⃣0️⃣ 🅱LAZE IT 🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🌿🔥🌿🔥🌿🔥🌿🔥🌿🔥🌿🔥🌿🔥🌿🔥🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉
Snake
Hey this is Santa I hate you
Σpsilon
😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘
Dogfish
What does that even sound like
Snake
I would be happy to play it again for all of you once we are situated at the hotel.
Estimated time of arrival is six minutes.
Dogfish
Welp
We are like. Fifteen minutes away
Snake
Losers weepers, as they say.
I have to inform you that Aoi is dreadfully easy to amuse.
Σpsilon
wowie owie thats gay
Dogfish
Are you in fuckign high school why do you call everything gay
Σpsilon
because my dude
that right there
is what a dude does when hes got a crush on another dude
Snake
I have to inform you that Aoi is swearing to kill you.
Σpsilon
:3c
its ok aoi
i only know bc
i have a crush on someone in gc too u////u
Dogfish
No you do not
Σpsilon
sigma i wuv u.......
and ur big stwong arms.........
i want u to **** me in the ******
Dogfish
I want you to die
Σpsilon
its ok i know youre in love w someone else in gc
Dogfish
What
Σpsilon
carlos
Dogfish
No
*Fuck you
Do not do this
santa
guys. dont fuckin talk about him when hes right there and he cant even see chat rn.
Dogfish
Epsiolon do not
I will kill you. I will koll you. I wi
Σpsilon
hey wait aoi your eta was 6 min
its only been 5 min
are u texting & driving or are u speeding :'(
Dogfish
🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪
santa
aight whoever kills who idc. bring the bodies up to room 452.
Σpsilon
yea im dead
sigma beat me to a pulp :'(
hes too beefy
its not fair
Dogfish
Why do you exist
Why has god not smited you for your sins
Σpsilon
too small
he tries to strike me down btu the thunderbolts keep missing
Dogfish
God you can strike me down instead
I will take it
Just kill one of us please
Carlos
Well, for better or for worse, we all made it here in one piece.
Be up in a few minutes.
santa
👍
ONLINE—5
Σpsilon
Carlos
Dogfish
santa
Snake
OFFLINE—1
Dung Meister
Chapter 10
Notes:
what no i didn't disappear for a year you must be mistaken. also no promises i won't do it again. live and die at my mercy
Chapter Text
Although Junpei and Sigma did not kill each other on the ride to the hotel, nor did God smite either of them, one wonders whether Carlos wished otherwise. Whether from the long day of traveling after an early morning work shift, from the heat of the midday Los Angeles sun bearing on his back as they aimlessly scoured the city for clues, or from the recently discovered circle of personal hell that was chaperoning two rowdy young men incapable of keeping their hands to themselves (mostly figuratively, at least twice literally), Carlos looked the most exhausted out of all of the party members who had dragged themselves up to hotel room 452.
There were two queen beds and a sofa with another pull-out mattress.
“Light and I already said we’d share,” Aoi said, sitting atop the pristinely folded and tucked duvet of the windowside bed, closest to the air conditioning unit cranked as high as it could go. “Rest of you figure it out.”
Sigma turned to Junpei and before he could open his shit-eating grin to get a word out, Junpei said flatly, “I’m sleeping on the floor.”
So Sigma turned around and said, “I’ll share with Carlos,” and then hands were not kept to themselves again. With a sigh, Carlos wheeled his bag toward the sofa.
“Don’t think Sigma and Carlos’d even fit shoulder-to-shoulder on the same bed,” Aoi muttered to Light, who raised his eyebrows in a quick flick at this new information.
Junpei’s pocket buzzed in the midst of the ruckus. Without a second thought, he shoved against Sigma’s chest to pause the dispute. When he rotated the phone upright in his hand with a flick of his wrist, he felt it pull with a different weighting, a torque he was not used to, and the texture that spiraled under his fingertips was smoother than he remembered. He looked down into the cracked face of a phone that was not his.
“Uh.”
His eyes flicked between the green and red phone icons beckoning him in the bottom corners of the screen, then up at the identity of the incoming caller. There was no number listed, just a name, one that Junpei’s eyes couldn’t focus on without the letters blurring and spinning. It was time to decide.
Junpei decided to thrust out his arm, phone facing the rest of the room, and repeat himself more loudly: “Uh.”
It wiped the grin off of Sigma’s face. Aoi slid across the bed and marched up for a closer look. “What is it?” asked Light, hands gripping tighter around the handle of his cane.
“Everybody shut up,” Aoi barked.
He snatched the phone out of Junpei’s hand. In only a second of looking at the screen, he composed himself, and tapped the right side of the screen to answer the call. With one more warning finger pressed to his lips alongside a devastating glare, he toggled the speaker.
“Yes?” he snapped.
Aoi’s voice was different when he spoke into the phone: still sharp, but more resounding, and his lips were pressed close to the receiver despite operating in speaker mode. He gave pause to the voice on the other end of the line, a timid stutterer of a man by the sounds of it: “M-Mr. Hongou, sir?”
There was the name, the confirmation of everything they had been grasping at. They had flown out here for a reason, and it might just have been the right one.
“Yes, what is it?” Aoi said, even more sharply than before.
“Wh-where—s-sorry, you weren’t at—where a-are you? Y-you weren’t—you didn’t come in t-today—”
“If my company can’t function for one goddamn day without me,” Aoi shouted, “then what the hell kind of company is it?! What’s the problem?!”
Sigma’s eyes lit up with a little bit of alarm and a lotta bit of delight, grinning in awe at Aoi’s new character.
“N-n-no, e-everything’s alright, n-nothing’s the matter,” insisted the man, “I-I-I-I j-just, I-I didn’t, I-I-I didn’t see anything on your s-schedule, a-a-and you didn’t—y-you didn’t call—”
“Because my damn phone is locked again,” Aoi cut in. “Fucking IT and the fucking every-other-day password changes—get them to reset my password. I can’t get in.”
It took a split second for everyone else to catch onto the scheme. When Sigma’s jaw dropped and his hands flew to his head, they realized the ploy that Aoi had just pulled.
“S-sir—”
“Listen, I don’t have time for this. I’m out meeting a prospect and I can’t blow this,” Aoi said through gritted teeth. His face was flushing with the heat of the façade. “Get my phone unlocked in the next hour and you’re going to be seeing it in bonuses next month.”
“Y-yessir.”
A quiver of a smile cracked its way onto Aoi’s face. His objective completed, he hung up before it could leak into his voice.
As soon as the call disconnected, the shouts of praise and admiration all fell out of the others’ simultaneously (Light’s after a delay, of course, and it was nothing but a demure, dignified, “Well done, Aoi”). Sigma snaked his arms around Aoi’s bony frame and lifted him off his feet, to which Aoi responded with an even bonier elbow to Sigma’s gut.
“Don’t thank me till it actually fuckin’ works,” he snapped. “Odds are he’s gonna go through another fifteen layers of security before anybody unlocks this shit.”
“But it’s really him,” Junpei said. “It’s really—our DM is really this CEO guy. For real.”
“I told you he was!” Sigma said.
“But for real!” Junpei protested.
“Wait,” said Carlos, “Sigma… you told us he was? I thought that was…” He glanced at Junpei. “Epsilon.”
In the sudden silence that followed, Sigma and Junpei slowly turned to look one another in the eyes. The only solace Junpei took in that painful moment was that Sigma seemed to have just as much trepidation in his eyes as Junpei felt in his stomach.
“Oh, was this not all an elaborate hoax you were playing on me, specifically?” Light interjected, calmly tilting his head with intrigue. “I was waiting for the perfect moment to inform you that my screen reader reads Epsilon’s name as ‘Sigma-p-silon’ and that it hasn’t been working on me the whole time. How many of you are in on it?”
“Wait, what the hell?!” Aoi exploded, throwing DM’s phone to the mattress. “What the hell!”
“Sigma, you’re Epsilon?” Carlos realized, sending a glance to Junpei as well.
“Ah. So no one but Junpei and Sigma. Intriguing,” Light murmured to himself, and he sat back with a smile to listen to the ensuing argument.
“Why?!” Aoi demanded. Although he looked as livid as he had on the phone with Hongou’s subordinate, he was, like Carlos, more confused than anything else.
“You’ve had each other’s faces as your profile pictures this entire time,” Carlos said, both as an explanation to Light and as an implied question.
“I had his pic first,” Sigma said, jabbing a finger at Junpei. “He copied me.”
“I made a whole fucking burner account on Discord!” Junpei yelled back, throwing his hands out at Sigma. “I named it Dogfish because you were catfishing as me! I wanted to figure out what the fuck was your deal!”
“It was a meme!” Sigma protested.
“It wasn’t a meme because I didn’t know about it!” Junpei shot back.
“You don’t know every m—”
“Yes I do!”
In the midst of the shouting, Aoi stood, cut through the center of the group, and made a stiff beeline for the exit. Light frowned slightly and called after him, “Where are you going, Aoi?”
“I’m buying another fucking room.” Aoi unbolted the door. “I don’t give a shit.”
“No,” Sigma whined, leaning heavily over both Junpei and Carlos to reach for Aoi, who opened the door to the hallway. “Pwease Mistew Owie, pwease wet me sweep with Carwos?”
Both crunched under his beefy arms, Junpei was pressed close enough to Carlos to feel him bristle. After a beat, he snapped his head to Sigma with a frown. “You’re Epsilon,” he said, as if just now fully realizing it.
Sigma’s lips, for goddamn real, could curve into a cat-like 3-ish shape of a smile with some small effort. “Meeeee-owth, dat’s right!”
The door latched and locked after gently falling shut, with Aoi well outside of it. Sighing, Carlos dragged Sigma’s arm off of him with unjust ease and said, “Someone message Aoi and tell him to knock it off. We’ll stay in one room.”
Chapter Text
# general-chat
# the-dungeon
Dogfish
Santa come back
This is fucking stupid
If you spend more money because of me i will kill you
Carlos
If you're really going through with this, at least let me pay for the other hotel room.
We said we'd split the cost.
Dogfish
If carlos spend smore money because of me i will kill you and also me
Σpsilon
lmao dead silence
boy he really bouta do it
Dogfish
Dude have some mother fuckign guilt about this it is your fault
Σpsilon
no can do
i dont feel shame and i dont feel guilt
im not burdened by those petty human emotions
Carlos
Just to be clear, I will pay for a second room if you want, but Junpei (Dogfish) and I are OK to share the second bed and Sigma (Epsilon) takes the couch.
Dogfish
I will also pay for a second room
Carlos
We don't want a second room.
Dogfish
But i will pay
Somehow i will pay for this
This whole fucking avdenture thing
With my money or my life
Σpsilon
why not both :3
Dogfish
Can we talk about how the fuck sigmas mouth can do that fucking cat mouth face
Σpsilon
yessssss thank u for noticing ❤️
Dogfish
FUck you for exitsing
Carlos
Guys, can we please try to not make Aoi want to buy another hotel room?
Σpsilon
i cant control a mans wants
Dogfish
I want to byu a nmew group chat
Σpsilon
if a man has wants in my presence who am i to deny him
u kno 😏
Carlos
Group chats are free
Never mind. They're hitting each other again.
It's really not a problem. Me and Light are just hanging out. He's got earbuds in.
Wait
Light, nod if you're listening to the group chat on your phone? Don't want to leave you out of it but I don't really want to drag you into it either.
Haha okay. Cool. Sorry about all this.
You have to use text to speech stuff to write back right? So you'd have to speak out loud to respond to me.
Damn, here I thought we had a cool way to communicate. I was gonna slide into your DMs 😅
Do you know sign language or anything?
Whoops
Hahahaha
I know. I know. LOL
Sorry, that was a stupid question.
Do I know sign language?
A little bit. My sister needed to learn some basics when she was on a ventilator.
How can you even concentrate on this conversation over them yelling? I can barely pay attention and I'm just looking at you nodding and stuff.
You wanna head out of the room and chat?
And we could go look for Aoi.
Rectangle...? 😥
Carlos
Sorry I'm no good at charades, haha.
Phone?
Oh, room keys?
Haha nice!
Yeah, I don't see them around anywhere. Aoi didn't give you one either?
Damn.
Dogfish
CARLOS YUO WERE OGING TO ABANDON ME??????
Σpsilon
awwwww first lovers spat
man they jumped straight from mutual pining there was only 1 bed to established relationship domestic fluff real fast
Dogfish
What the fuck does that mean
Σpsilon
wouldnt u like to know prettyboy
Dogfish
Actualyl no i decided i do not want to know tahnk you
Σpsilon
my rarepair ship keeps sinking 😢
Dogfish
I am banning you from words good bye
Σpsilon
did someone ban u from compound words
is that why u always put spaces where they dont belong
always mother fuck this and good bye that
and no contractions either
Dogfish
Hey
Lis ten. Fu ck yo u
I can put spaces where ever i god damn want
Σpsilon
wow u rly can
junpei ur so cool.......
can we be fwends........
Dogfish
I will piss on your grave
Σpsilon
sry necro and watersports arent my kinks :/ we can do petplay if u want?
oops i mean pet play
Dogfish
DIE
Σpsilon
and water sports
Dogfish
Am i in hell. Is this hell
Am i dead
Σpsilon
i said no necro :( :( :(
not even if u bottom
Dogfish
I AM IN HELL
Carlos
Lol, and here I thought you guys were on your phones trying to keep Aoi up to date on our conversation. 😂
Σpsilon
look carlos!!! i think junpei knows what bottoming is now
hes doing his research 4 u 😏
u might get lucky 2nite 😏😏😏
Dogfish
Can i die twice
I want to be more dead
Carlos
Sigma's going to stay in the room with the phone in case IT gets back to us. Rest of us are going downstairs to check out dinner options. None of us have room keys or know where they are so we'll need to meet up with you (Aoi) before we go out, either that or we'll pick something up and eat it in.
And... despite evidence to the contrary in the group chat, we really are getting along fine in person.
Dogfish
I am dying inside please help
Carlos
He's fine.
Dogfish
You do not know that
Maybe i am dying
Σpsilon
sometimes the ppl w the bravest faces are struggling the most 😔
Dogfish
Fuck you
Carlos
Yeah, he's fine.
Σpsilon
ahhhh all alone at last :3
sometimes a boy my age needs some me time u know what i mean 😏
Dogfish
Do not make that face with those words
Σpsilon
hmmmmmmmmmmm what should i watch :3
LMAO FUCK YES they have adult movie channels
rip to aois credit card but im horny
too bad junpeis bed is the closest to the tv
Dogfish
DO NOT TUOCH MY FUCKIGN BED
I AM NOT FUCKING AROUND SIGMA DO NOT
Carlos
Guys, knock it off, seriously.
Sigma, stop antagonizing Junpei, and Junpei, stop giving Sigma the rise he wants or he won't stop.
Σpsilon
oooooo carlos is mad
yeah junpei stop giving me such a rise 😩
no i wont stop 😩💦
Dogfish
I will fuckign kill you
Σpsilon
u dont need to
gonna have meself un petit mort if u know what i mean 😏
Dogfish
I do not know fuck you
Snake
It translates to a little death. It's a euphemism for orgasm.
Dogfish
FUCK ALL OG YOU
Carlos
Confiscated Junpei's phone.
Σpsilon
LMAO
carlos u fucking soldier
disillusioned with him yet 😏
Carlos
I'd take yours too if I could. Not happy about how you're treating him.
Or how you're representing our "culture" if you will.
Your jokes are fine if you're making them with other queer folks but you're just inciting homophobia and playing into the gay predator stereotype in his head.
Σpsilon
ok ok geez no need to air out ur own dirty laundry in here
we can take this to dms
Carlos
I don't think this is dirty laundry. I'm proud of who I am.
I'm perfectly comfortable talking about this right here, or in person once we get back to the hotel room if you'd rather.
No sign of Aoi but we found a pizza joint. Getting 1 cheese 1 pepperoni unless you've got objections. Speak now or forever hold your peace.
Σpsilon
i wanna hold a peace of pizza
Carlos
K.
santa
lmfao
Snake
Where are you?
santa
hotel bar
wanted a fuckin drink
holy shit. you guys are so fuckin stupid
Snake
Veritably. Come back to the room for pizza.
santa
yep omw
ONLINE—4
Σpsilon
Carlos
Dogfish
Snake
OFFLINE—2
Dung Meister
santa
Chapter Text
# general-chat
# the-dungeon
Dogfish
YES it is pjone time
Junpei released fmrom time out silence prison
Sigma what the fuck
Carlos
Both of you, behave.
Σpsilon
sry thats against my religion 😕
Dogfish
You are godless
Σpsilon
dont u mean god less
Dogfish
What the fuck i did that once for like
Emphasis
Σpsilon
you did it at least 3 times
for empha sis
Dogfish
???????????
Carlos
Guys.
Σpsilon
maaaaaan i cant even make fun of him for typing like a tool??
Dogfish
What the fuck i do not type like a tool
Σpsilon
carwos ur so mean 😢
🚨🚨🚨 wee woo wee woo its the fun police
officer carlos reporting
Dogfish
HOw dare you call him a cop he is a firefighter thank you
Σpsilon
ur so fucking right thank you
carlos have you ever done a sexy firefighter calendar
Dogfish
Why
Σpsilon
the people demand to know!!!
Dogfish
No i do not
Σpsilon
silly junpei ur not people
Dogfish
Wh
Σpsilon
ok carlos put his phone away to eat pizza time to party
junpei are you gay
Dogfish
Wh
Σpsilon
im trying to prove a point i need to know
gay or bi or w/e
Dogfish
No i am not gay what the fuck
Why would
No???
Σpsilon
its ok bb we r ur friends no matter what 💕
u can trust us
Dogfish
Actually i absolutely can not thank you
Also i am straight thank you again
Σpsilon
yeah ok 😏
Dogfish
I take that back actually
THE
HTANK YOU
Σpsilon
LMFAO
Dogfish
I DO NOT TAKE BACK EBING STRAIGHT I AM STILL STRIAGHT
I AM STRAIGHT I HAVE ALWAYS EBEEN STRAIGHT I WILL ALSO ALWAYS BE STRAIGHT
I TAKE BACK THE THANK YOU
Σpsilon
god i was gonna say that didnt take long
i know im quick to win the boys over but thatd be a record even for me 😳
Dogfish
I am not dignifying that with a response
Σpsilon
ya just did buddy 😘
Dogfish
Shut
santa
what in fresh hell are you fuckers doing.
Σpsilon
junpeis trying to come out 😊
Dogfish
I am straight
santa
wow. brave.
in this economy?
Dogfish
Yes
You see it's because i am a man and i love women
santa
hey same
Σpsilon
oh shit really?
santa
still ain't comin out as straight
Dogfish
What
Wait
Σpsilon
oh this is gonna be good
santa
im bi dude
Dogfish
Oh
Uh
Okay i guess
Σpsilon
fuckin nailed it good job junpei
u didnt do a homophobia!!! ⭐
Dogfish
What the hell
Just because i'm straight doesn't mean i am automatically a homophobe
santa
no trust me it does.
Dogfish
I am not homophobic????
Σpsilon
so ur not straight
Dogfish
YES I AM
Σpsilon
aoi i totally had u pegged as gay not bi or anything damn
women tho amirite
santa
ok youre not allowed to put me and pegged in the same sentence.
but yeah, girls
Dogfish
I agree about girls and only girls
Σpsilon
junpei how do u know
have u ever kissed a boy
Dogfish
Absolutely not
Σpsilon
well then u have to test to be sure
santa
man hes right
how you gonna know dude
Dogfish
I am not falling for your tricks
If i kiss a dude i am gay because i kissed a dude. If i dont kiss a dude i am still maybe gay
So how about i do not kiss a dude
santa
dont be stupid.
bi. not gay.
Σpsilon
or pan
you ignorant slut
Dogfish
Why the fuck is this happening to me
santa
who's the ignorant slut, me or him.
Σpsilon
you
santa
yeah ill take it.
Dogfish
Can we go back to talking about women
Σpsilon
yeah ok
u fuckin got me i fuckin love women
girls...................
whos ur type pei
Dogfish
Nope
Σpsilon
oh? gay?
Dogfish
NO
I am not telling you anything i don't trust you
Σpsilon
ur the one who wanted to talk abt women 😢
santa tell me ur type
santa
forbidden fruit
Σpsilon
owo?
santa
nah i hate it. theyre not for me and i know it. its shitty to say
but fuckin. butch lesbians
Σpsilon
god u valid fuck
santa
dude no. this is invalid as shit.
they make their whole look like
not catering to the male gaze. and here i am fuckin gazing. thats shitty.
but god they know what theyre doing and straight guys are idiots.
Dogfish
Hey
santa
yeah im talking about you
Σpsilon
yeah we gay keep scrollin
Dogfish
You ar ebeing straight withm e
We are talkign about girls????
Σpsilon
lmfao
this guy
santa
not how it works buddy.
Σpsilon
he thinks we got a on/off switch for gay/straight and if we keep talking abt women it turns the straight switch on
sry dude when i love women im still gay
im gay for women
Dogfish
That doesnt fucking make sense
santa
also gay for women yea
everyone in this chat but junpei is gay for women i think.
ok maybe not dm but
Dogfish
Carlos is not gay either???
Σpsilon
HOO boy
santa
you dense motherfucker.
he literally came out in chat a half hour ago.
Dogfish
What
No
Where
santa
id tell you to backread but youd probably miss it.
hettie
p sure hes pan. so. gay for women
Σpsilon
in this group chat we are all love women......
SDJFHSJKFDS
Dogfish
WHTA
Σpsilon
SNAKE
Snake
Can't relate.
Σpsilon
GOD THE DELAY FUCKIN KILLS ME
LIGHT YOU GAY BASTARD
oh god carlos heard hes gonna figure it out fuck
Dogfish
"GOTTA POOP"?????
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK SIGMA
santa
we got a solid 3 minutes before carlos finishes backreading
Σpsilon
its ok its a big dookey
Dogfish
Carlos when you read this you can confiscate my phone again i give it willingly
Σpsilon
sowwy my asshole is just sooooo tight 😩
Dogfish
NO
Σpsilon
WAS THAT JUNPEI THROWING HIS PHONE AT THE WALL
PLEASE SAY THAT WAS JUNPEI THROWING HIS PHONE AT THE WALL
santa
motherfucker CRACKED THE SCREEN
Σpsilon
SDFASDGA NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
LEGEND
santa
ok it was just the screen protector.
Σpsilon
damn
throw harder junpei
Carlos
Hmm.
Σpsilon
nah but thats good i can buy him a new one if hI CARLOS
NOTHIN TO SEE HERE SIGMAS BEEN A GOOD BOY
Carlos
How did you even manage to keep up this conversation while we were talking...?
Σpsilon
looks like somebody was a goodie two shoes and never texted in class 😏
Dogfish
I have ADHD and i will do everything at once or nothing at all
Σpsilon
welcome back pei
dont cut ur finger typing 😘
Dogfish
I will bleed on you
Stop texting and pooping
santa
i have ocd and ill kill you if you keep talking abotu shit
Dogfish
Fuck yeah we are D club
Σpsilon
i have bde can i be in the d club
Dogfish
I know what memes are you stupid fuck
Σpsilon
but my massive cock
Carlos
I have... anxie-D.
😀
Σpsilon
omg hes so pure
carlos im sry i ever made u mad u dont deserve it
Dogfish
Who gave carlos anxiety i will kill them
He does not deserve this
Carlos
Pretty sure I gave it to myself?
Σpsilon
watch ur back car junpeis gonna kill you
Dogfish
Car
Beep beep its carlos
Carlos
What kind of car would I be?
Σpsilon
new mbti
hmmmm u have pickup truck strength but pickup truck energy is too toxic masculinity
Carlos
Because I drive a pickup truck...?
Dogfish
Fire truck
Carlos
Yeah, not really sure how much this is to do with personality. 😛
Dogfish
So wait
Are you like
All gay
Or whatever
Σpsilon
yea boyyyyyy
Dogfish
Except me
What the fuck
Why does nobody tell me these things
Snake
You and perhaps DM.
Dogfish
"Perhaps" dm yeah i hope so
Hes like. An old man
Snake
It is my personal duty to inform you that old gay people do in fact exist.
Σpsilon
carlos hears that and picks up his phone in RECORD SPEED
Carlos
Hey Junpei, would be glad to chat in DMs seriously about this if you want, or find someplace private to chat in person. Sorry you're not exactly getting the best explanation here but they're just kissing around.
Kidding**
Σpsilon
no im kissing around
hey junpei, would be glad to slide in ur dms and find someplace private so we can do some kidding and/or kissing around
Dogfish
No thanks
Σpsilon
heyyyyyy whos sharing a bed with junpei tonight
since we decided me and carlos are too beefy to fit together 😔
ill teach u anything u wanna know tonight junpei 😘😘😘😘
Dogfish
Carlos please fucking save me
Carlos please
@Carlos
Σpsilon
hey dont pressure a guy 😔 i know rejection is hard but ur making him uncomfortable
Dogfish
HE SI JUST NOT LOOKIGN AT HIS PHONE YOU CAN SEE HIM IN REAL YLIFE SHUT UP
@Carlos PLEASE
santa
for the record, finding it real funny how dog wont fuckin talk out loud about this.
no sarcasm. shits hilarious.
Dogfish
He is in the middle of a conversATION i am not RUDE
Snake oh my god your one earbud is still in you are listening to this and not telling carlos
You are CONTINUING THE CONVERSATION PURPOSELY
WHY ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT THE SPECIFIC HEAT CPACITY OF WATER
Σpsilon
not all heroes wear capes
Carlos
We JUST talked about the gay predator thing, Sigma...
I'm sharing the other bed with Junpei. You can have the couch.
Σpsilon
😔 understandable have a good night
.......if u know what i mean 😏
Dogfish
Where is the bar
santa
fuck it yea lets go if we dont hear from it by 9
first round on me
Σpsilon
ok but if we DO hear back from it you dont buy a single drink tonight
fuckin business voice aoi doms the it staff of cradle pharma
santa
aight never say that shit again
Σpsilon
aw man
you wont dom. u wont get pegged. what kind of gay are u
santa
a switch you ignorant slut
Σpsilon
👀
santa
nope.
no eyes emojis or ill kill you.
i want to make gay jokes i dont want to be seen
Σpsilon
hey @Snake i got great news
Dogfish
Well
Somebody other than me is punching sigma and i dont even get why
Carlo s will you explain this one in dms but also i do not want to know
Snake
Interesting.
ONLINE—5
Σpsilon
Carlos
Dogfish
santa
Snake
OFFLINE—1
Dung Meister
Chapter Text
Carlos
DM
Lotus
Σpsilon
santa
Snake
Dogfish
Hi
What did you want tOk never mind sigma is being a freak
Wtf didnt we agree to share the bed earlier
Ok i know snake is talking to you but you said you would answer my dms like 2 minutes ago and SIGMA IS BEING A FREAK
**Light
CARLOS PLEASE TELL SIGMA WE ARE SHARING THE BED MAKE HIM LEAVE ME ALONE
Carlos
Yep. One sec.
Dogfish
Wait dont actually make him leave me alone or whatever don't make it weird
Its fine
I'm not a baby
Carlos
If anyone's acting immature here, it's him.
Sorry about all that. He got me started on fire chemistry...
Dogfish
Yeah that was fucking
Idk
Like. Funny because it was predictable but those arent good enough words
Guess i am a baby. I don't know what the fuck a word is
Uhhhhhhh so what did you want to talk about
Carlos
Didn't really want to talk about anything in particular, no worries.
Just wanted you to know that my DMs are open if you've got any questions about anything. I know the guys are kind of going at lightning speed so if you want to ask me in private about anything they're talking about, I'm here. No holds barred, no judgment.
Dogfish
Ok
Thanks i guess
I don't really have any questions
Carlos
No problem 👍 Thought I'd offer just in case.
Dogfish
Thanks
Carlos
...I can explain "pegged" and dom/sub if you need.
Dogfish
No thank you i am all good actually
Carlos
Just checking. 😅
Dogfish
Ok
One question i ugess
Guess*
What is pan
Carlos
That's me!! 😀
Dogfish
Yeah
What does it mean
I gather that it is like. A flavor of gay
Carlos
Pan in this case is short for pansexual, like how bi is short for bisexual. They're very similar identities, but bisexual means attraction to two (or more) genders, and pansexual means attraction to ALL genders. It's the same prefix as in Pangaea (all the continents).
A flavor of gay... hahahahaha
Dogfish
Wait
If bisexual is 2+. And pan is all
Isn't that basically the same
Carlos
Yeah, that's sort of a weird divide in the LGBT community. I think bisexual is an older word so a lot more people identify with it, but with nonbinary identities being more common nowadays, there's all this sort of wiggle room that wasn't getting covered right.
You know about nonbinary genders?
Dogfish
Yeah the three genders
Man woman and nope
Carlos
Hahaha. That's the gist of it.
But "nonbinary" isn't really a gender identity on its own, it's more of an umbrella. Everyone under the umbrella doesn't really fit into "male" or "female" but they don't necessarily have the same gender. Your gender might be right in the middle of male/female, or it could lean closer to one side or the other, or you might have... I feel like I need a chart to explain this, haha.
Does that make sense?
Dogfish
Not really
Like i get theres a lot of genders but. I just do not understand how you people have so much gender that you can sit there and count it
I mean
Not "you people" as in you
Just like
Junpei tenmyouji speaks to the nonbinary community through one random guy's dms
Says quote "What the fuck. How do you do that"
Carlos
It takes a lot of introspection! I don't have the patience for it either, haha. I just figured out I'm somewhere close enough to "boy" that it works for me.
Dogfish
Wait
Are you
Carlos
But for some people it really helps them to make those kind of narrow distinctions to figure out their identity, not just personally, but as part of society, and sometimes culturally, since there are a lot of non-western cultures that historically have embraced nonbinary genders. So when Aoi says he's bisexual, he might mean he's not attracted to every gender identity out there, but there are multiple. And when I say I'm pansexual, I mean that I can be romantically attracted to anyone, regardless of gender.
Am I what?
Dogfish
Never mind
Carlos
No judgment, remember.
Dogfish
No its fine
Carlos
You sure?
ONLINE—4
Σpsilon
Carlos
santa
Snake
OFFLINE—1
DM
Chapter 14
Notes:
This chapter was brought to you by polls on Tumblr, where the people overwhelmingly demanded that I do another chapter of this silly fic. Are you outraged by this choice? Go vote in the next one.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Desperate for anything to look at other than his phone, Junpei pulled out another phone. After a moment spent searching along its unfamiliar edges for the power button, he watched the cracked screen light up with approximately five million notifications. “Dude,” he exhaled in a mixture of pain and awe, “how do you fucking live like this?”
Carlos, who had been not-so-subtly watching him while Aoi half-heartedly egged Sigma on in seeing if he could fit the last slice of pizza into his mouth in one bite (which he was setting out to accomplish by rolling it into a cylindrical shape), asked, “What’s up?”
Upon looking up and seeing Sigma in his peripheral vision holding up his pizza cannoli in preparation to deepthroat it for the simple glory of proving Aoi wrong, Junpei completely lost his train of thought and also control of his facial muscles.
“Okay, no,” Carlos interrupted, reaching across the pizza-box-laden table for Sigma’s arm. “I’m not doing the Heimlich today. I’m off the clock.”
“Aw, Carwofh,” Sigma whined around the crust, although he pulled the abomination fully from his mouth as requested. “I wouldn’t choke, I do this all the time!” He bit a huge chunk off, then shoved it out to one cheek to add a muffled, “I don’ do tha’ par’.”
Junpei, who had previously been disgusted not in a homophobic way but instead because he also did not want to watch Sigma stick an entire slice of pizza into his maw, took a solid three seconds to understand what Sigma was implying. Then he yelped, “Dude!” and pelted a used, wadded-up napkin at him. When air resistance deadened that blow to a pathetic flutter into Sigma’s lap, Junpei followed it up by frisbeeing DM’s phone—figuring its screen was cracked already—into his gut, which actually did make a choked sound sputter out of his pizza-filled mouth.
Before he could feel any satisfaction, Carlos doused it with guilt by blocking him into his seat with an outstretched arm and a chiding, “Come on, man.”
Sigma could reap what he sowed, though, and was laughing as soon as he had the breath back to do so. He pulled the phone back out from where it threatened to fall into the crevices between the sofa cushions, gnashing away at his pizza as he idly hit its power button and saw the same cringe-inducing sight as Junpei. “Damn,” he remarked at the flooded home screen.
He got through two more chews before he suddenly rocketed to his feet.
“What’s up, Lassie?” Aoi joked with disinterest, scrolling his own phone’s screen.
“Dog, were these notifs here before Aoi took that call from the Cradle guy?” Sigma demanded.
“My name’s Junpei,” grumbled Junpei.
Continuing not to heed Junpei’s complaint, Sigma swiped a pizza-greasy fingertip across the wide breadth of his tight-fitting T-shirt before sliding it across the cracked screen of the phone, at which point his jaw dropped, his eyes turned to dinner plates, and he let out the most college-frat-boy holler to ever pierce one’s eardrums.
“What the fuck?!” Junpei tried to yell over the noise, but his meager lung capacity could not hope to compare to Sigma’s longest yeah boi yet.
Aoi, on the other hand, stood up just as suddenly as Sigma had with apparent recognition. A mix of horror and disbelief blanched his drawn face, as if protecting himself from believing in what he thought might be true. “No,” he shouted.
“We’re fuckin’ IN, bay-bee!!” Sigma screamed, thrusting the phone out screen-forward for the crew to barely recognize until he verbalized it: “Password select screen, motherfuckers, they fucking reset us!”
Carlos launched to his feet with a grin like sunshine and eyes twinkling like the stars. “Aoi!” he shouted with excitement. “Aoi, you did it! You—you—”
“Passed the persuasion check,” Light said with a demure smile.
Aoi shot a middle finger at him, despite a giddy sort of grin spreading on his own lips. “Fuck you,” he added quickly, “I’m flipping you off right now, picture it.”
Light nodded and stroked his chin with mock fascination. “Interesting.”
“Fuck,” Sigma suddenly swore at the screen, working at it with both thumbs and a brow creased enough to pull a pit into one’s stomach.
“What happened,” Junpei demanded, now also jumping to his feet. “What the hell did you do, I swear to God—”
“It needs upper, lower, a number, and a special character for the password, and minimum length fourteen characters,” Sigma complained with a roll of his eyes. “C’mon, the whole point is it’s stored locally on the device so it doesn’t need to be a hyper-secure password. ‘Pen fifteen club’ would be fine, fuck you, hire me. Your security doesn’t know jackshit.”
“You work infosec or somethin’?” Aoi asked, eyebrow raised in intrigue.
Sigma barked a laugh. “Nah, I’m not working anywhere yet,” he said. “Still a broke college student, doing my master’s in a weirdass biotech subfield. Only place I’ve ever worked is a lab for internship credits. And Hooters the one time.”
“I’m sorry,” Junpei choked, “you worked at Hoo—”
“New password is ‘I love cock and balls’ with a little choad on the end,” Sigma announced.
“It’s—with a—what?!” Junpei screeched.
“And with that,” Sigma declared, raising the phone high in the air, “boys and Junpei, we are officially in.”
“What the fuck do you mean, ‘boys and Junpei’?!”
So caught up in these increasingly inane remarks, Junpei could not spare much thought to what it meant to finally have unfettered access to DM’s phone. On the contrary, Aoi jumped up and snatched the phone out of Sigma’s hands as soon as he certified it hacked, and began scrolling apps in earnest.
“First things first,” he said, “we gotta get into his banking apps and set up some money transfers.”
“No, first things first, find his Discord app,” Junpei said. “Log in and give us back name change permissions for the DND server.”
“Not exactly what I’d call top priority, Junpei,” Carlos sighed, to Junpei’s chagrin and dismay.
“Nah, fuck it, fuck around with Discord.” Sigma reached over the back of the couch to grab his backpack, from which he pulled a wide, thick laptop. “Banking apps are gonna have their own security flipped on that you’re not gonna be able to business-dom your way into unless you’ve got DM’s sosh security on you.”
“It ain’t gonna be social security,” Aoi said with a single-minded focus on scanning the apps on the screen as he scrolled. “It’s gonna be EIN and shit. Business phone, business accounts. And that’s why Discord ain’t even on here, either.”
“What?!” Junpei cried, scrambling for Aoi’s shoulders to see the phone with his own eyes. “No, it’s gotta be—he’s the CEO of his own company, he’d be allowed to put whatever he wants on his own…”
With his face barely twitching out of its resting bitch form, Aoi pulled down the search bar, typed in “discord”, and let Junpei see the No results text appear beneath it after only a few seconds of loading. Junpei sank back into his seat in disbelief.
“That is kinda weird, isn’t it?” Carlos said in Junpei’s rare defense. “I mean, he wasn’t online that often, but he was on almost every day, and not always just in the evenings. You’d think, as CEO, he’d be able to pull the strings to get Discord installed on his phone.”
“No, you’d think, as CEO, that he’d do what I’d damn sure do if I owned a multi-billion dollar pharma company,” Aoi countered. “Get a separate business and personal phone, and only install Discord on the personal.”
Junpei folded his arms and pouted, and pouted even more disgruntledly when Sigma toed his shin with enough force to be called a kick if he wanted to tattle. “C’mon, dude, get out your laptop and start going through the DM files with me,” Sigma urged. “There might be password and bank info shit in those text files somewhere.”
“Found a Fidelity app,” Aoi announced. “They got some unsecured views sometimes, lemme see what I can—wow, fuck. Okay, that’s… that better not be a fuckin’ business account.”
Junpei was about to stand when Aoi sat back on the couch between him and Sigma. A number with more commas than Junpei had ever been this close to printed in big green letters across the screen. Sigma whistled when he caught sight of it.
“Fucking stupid,” Aoi said, which was far from what Junpei would have said of someone who had managed to collect fourteen million, three hundred eighty-three thousand, four hundred twenty-one U.S. dollars in a single place. “Leaving that shit visible without a login, for one, but that much money in one pot—you’re way outside FDIC insurance limits. SIPC, I guess, if it’s a brokerage, what-the-fuck-ever.”
Sigma glanced up at Light’s knuckles whitening around his cane and Carlos leaning forward as if he were about to get up and pile onto the couch, himself. “Fourteen point four mil,” he reported to them both. “All we need’s the password, and we have access to fourteen million dollars.”
Carlos sank back into his armchair with a thousand-yard stare. For a horrifying flicker of a moment, Junpei remembered the medical debt his sister had racked up over the course of a decade of mysterious illness still not yet cured. Here the money they owed sat stagnant, lining the pockets of a pharmaceutical bigwig whose company sought its profits by bleeding dry a million Carloses and Marias for even more pointless wealth.
But surely DM was different?
Not for the first time since the news dropped yesterday, Junpei wondered why DM wanted their help in particular, instead of involving more official authorities.
“What makes you so sure that it’s a personal account?” Light asked.
Aoi shrugged, scrolling and tapping for whatever he could find without hitting the password screen. “Mostly ’cause if he’s allowed to keep access to a business account on his phone with balances visible, with fuckin’ thirty times the max SIPC coverage in one institution,” he rattled off, “then his company needs to hire me and Sigma to get their fuckin’ shoes tied in the mornin’. This is fuckin’ baby shit, honest to God, nobody with an MBA shouldn’t know this fucking shit.” He leaned forward to pass the phone back to Sigma. “Use your shitty hacker skills to get in, c’mon.”
“DM calls us because he’s in danger… of his company being audited,” Sigma joked as he juggled phone and laptop to hold them side by side. “It’s up to us to sort out his finance and security policies before it’s too late!”
“Wonder how the rest of us are supposed to help, then,” Carlos said, scratching his head. “Maybe he needs to make sure his buildings are up to fire code?”
“And, what, he needs an accessibility consultant, as well?” Light added with a quirk of a smile and a tap to his closed eyes.
“I have no marketable skills or desirable qualities,” Junpei stated with no emotion but the deadened sense of regret for his choice of college major. No one seemed to take this seriously, and everyone seemed to agree with his self-assessment, because they all burst out laughing at him.
“Oh, shit, my man’s low on juice after a day in the park,” Sigma said over the cacophony, flipping the phone to check the charging port. “Anybody got a Lightning cable?”
“You mean an iPhone charger? Yeah, hold on,” Carlos said, digging into the bulky pocket of his even bulkier jeans.
“Dude, you keep a whole-ass charger in your pockets?” Aoi’s voice dripped with condescension as he passed the phone over from Sigma. “You even got legs in those fuckin’ cargo-ass, Tripp-ass, full-length jorts, or is it junk all the way down?”
“Not a whole lot of junk. Uh, I mean… it’s actually just the cable,” Carlos said, sheepish, as he pulled the trailing USB-A end from his pocket, hanging half-frayed from its cable. “Anybody got…?”
“A charger butt?” Junpei finished, already whirling out of his seat before the first chortle of laughter pealed out from his choice of vernacular and everyone was, once again, laughing at him. He had packed his beat-up duffel bag in his usual thoughtless manner with the exception of its side pockets, where he compartmentalized all of his small electronics. The boxy wall converter should have been easy to find amongst the cables, though lighter and smaller than the portable charger and his laptop’s AC adapter.
He palmed the portable charger again. That was probably easier to manage than a wall charger.
“Hey, Siri,” Sigma suddenly called out above the din.
Despite holding the battery brick over his head like a trophy, Junpei held his tongue, and swallowed as DM’s phone made an assenting beep to the command. Carlos started slightly for his own back pocket when he heard it, then focused back on the cracked phone he was already holding in his hand. At long last, a robotic voice responded, “Hi.”
“Can you set an event for June 9th, 2069?” Sigma said with a straight face, even when Aoi snorted through one of his last chugs of the paper cup of coffee he had nabbed from the lobby.
Siri chimed back to cut off the transmission. Junpei made it back to Carlos to peer over the back of his armchair at the swirling loading circles as she processed the request.
“Sure,” she said at last, subtitled in large font on the screen. “What time is this appointment?”
Sigma almost didn’t wait for her to finish before he blurted, “4:20 P.M.”
With another quick circle, Siri finished, “I scheduled your event on June 9, 2069, from 4:20 P.M. to 5:20 P.M.”
Having finally swallowed through what didn’t end up burning through his nostrils, Aoi clapped a hand over his eyes and devolved fully into high, hysterical laughter. The pitch went so high it vanished altogether when Sigma tacked on, “Name the event ‘Sigma’s 69th Birthday Party’.”
Carlos looked up with honest curiosity. “You were born in the year 2000?”
Junpei asked the more important question, “You were born on 6/9?!”
“Bro, Sigma lore time.” Sigma flopped back on the couch with a Cheshire grin, arms and legs spread comfortably wide. “My original due date was June 2, but my chad fetus was gunning for 6/9 so hard that I stayed tucked up in my mommy as long as I could.”
“I hate the way you make words,” Junpei groaned so loudly it could almost have been called a roar.
“But she decided I was too much meat for even her turbo pussy to handle,” Sigma barreled on, easily speaking loud enough to hear over Junpei’s continuous guttural drone. “So she goes and evicts me with a C-section on the fourth, and that’s the tragic story about how I couldn’t get the best birthday in the world. The end.”
“I’ll end you,” Junpei threatened.
“Nah, but the real deal,” Sigma said, leaning forward with his darker, serious face—the one that looked oddly like the picture in Dogfish’s Discord profile, “is this means Siri’s on, and she’s listening. We need to turn that shit off.”
Carlos blinked his eyes wide open at him. “We do?”
“The only way she responds to her name is if she’s listening for it all the time,” Sigma explained. “They say they discard the audio that doesn’t have keywords in it, but I ain’t trust like that when we’re dealing with a company phone that we hacked into with social engineering so that we can siphon money from the guy’s accounts. It’s not a criminal act if he literally told us to do this to help him, but it sure as fuck looks like one from the outside, so we need to be careful about what we say if we don’t want the cops called on us, unless we can turn that setting off. Consider this phone bugged.”
There was a beat of still silence after that until the shallow tap of Aoi setting his emptied coffee cup on the side table flanking his edge of the couch. “Fuck,” he muttered, padding through his phone with both thumbs, “even if we manage to get into his shit, we might wanna wire money into an old dummy account and drain it so it don’t get reversed, huh.”
Sigma whirled around with a grin so bright he might have been bioluminescing. “Aoi, do you commit wire fraud?” he exclaimed.
“Dude, what the fuck,” Aoi snipped, gesturing at the phone currently sifting through their audio.
“I’m gonna DM you about wire fraud,” Sigma threatened, whipping out his phone.
“Oh, yeah, ’cause I’d definitely tell ya in fuckin’ writing instead,” Aoi growled.
Carlos pulled his own iPhone out from his back pocket to hold it up alongside DM’s. “Should I turn my Siri off, too?” he wondered quietly.
“Might as well.” Sigma rolled off the couch and was at Carlos’s side in the matter of a step and a half. “Anybody else on iPhone? Lemme go through all your shitty Apple spyware and turn it off for ya.”
“I’m on iPhone, but my shit’s locked down, yeah,” Aoi stated with a lazy lift of his hand. “No biometrics, no usage data, no location, and no fuckin’ Siri.” Then he frowned, resting his phone in his lap. “Light, can you even use your phone if we gotta turn off voice shit?”
“My accessibility software is activated by buttons and touch, not voice,” Light responded. “There shouldn’t be any problems using my phone once the others’ are deactivated, unless Sigma disagrees.”
“Yeah, touch-activated’s gotta be good enough, or else we might as well fuck the phones altogether and make a Faraday cage to throw ’em in,” Sigma said.
“Over my dead body,” Junpei challenged. “If I can’t check Neko Atsume every day then life is no longer worth living.”
“You still play Neko Atsume, too?!” Sigma all but squealed with delight.
With a gentle clearing of his throat, Light raised a hand, as if to say he had not finished speaking. His closed eyes lent a solemn grace to his features that commanded attention where his soft-spoken voice might not. “We have several objectives to accomplish, and a potentially small window in which to complete them,” he said when enough silent space passed to allow him to speak uninterrupted. “It would be best to divide and conquer in this scenario, based on our unique abilities. Junpei, you should be focused on looking for banking information on your laptop. Sigma and Carlos should work towards turning off any unnecessary software tracking on our phones, including Android users with a voice-activated assistant.” Light nodded thoughtfully in Aoi’s direction, mouth spreading into a sardonic smile. “You, my friend, should make any preparations necessary for when we are able to access funds.”
Aoi smirked back at him. “Look who’s team mom now,” he teased.
“No, he’s team lead, that’s some straight-up management level shit,” Sigma said, scooting over to Carlos’s seat. “Dungeon master? More like scrum master.”
Junpei was glad to see Carlos also wrinkling his eyebrows in confusion at Sigma. “What master?” he asked.
“Aw, man, that would be such a good joke if any of you were in tech,” Sigma whined.
“If I may suggest relative silence until you have disabled Siri?” Light prompted. “Keep any self-identifying messages to a text-based medium for now.”
“You still can’t text without talking,” Aoi pointed out with a frown. Then, a beat later, he leaned forward, and said louder, “Hey, what the hell, that means you’re not doing anythi—”
“I’m working management,” Light stated, smug, as he nestled his other earbud in. “It’s a very important and strenuous job, according to our capitalist pay structures. I’m hard at work.”
“Flipping you off again,” Aoi grumbled, pulling up his phone.
“He isn’t even flipping you off,” Junpei tattled.
“Wow. Snitch.”
Notes:
Were you not outraged by the poll choice and in fact too excited to click the link in the first A/N? A reminder that you can vote to control my whims
and help me finish my godawful unending pile of WIPson my Tumblr here. You can follow me to catch all the polls and see how long I keep up this little experiment, but you'll have to see a bunch of unrelated shitposts for the rest of the month. This might be a net positive, if you think I'm just as funny as I do.
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