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Dear Alexander
The first time I saw you from afar, I smiled, and thought you were kinda cute. The first time you stood next to me I smiled, and thought you were pretty, handsome and awkward. First time I saw your hazel eyes, I gasped, they seemed as dull as mine. Your eyes made me believe in true love, love at first sight, soulmates, because you were mine. I realized you felt the same, the shadow of doubt that always followed me disappeared with your shy smile. And I knew you were mine, and I was yours.
“And as I looked into your eyes, I saw a familiar darkness stare back at me.
The familiarity I knew from the mirrors.
Now all I see is a familiar euphoria sweeping away at pain.
The familiarity I know from the mirrors.”
It said in my poem I had written long before you got diagnosed, my muse was always you Alexander, it will always be you. When you read this as we sat at your hospital room after it got published you gifted me with a scorching kiss. Our last kiss. And by the sadness in your smile and the tears in your eyes as you pulled back I knew you were thinking about the pain I never saw coming as I wrote those words.
Fate was just cruel to show me love through a phantom and take it away before I could even feel the warmth, I thought I did Alexander, but now I know it had never been enough, I would’ve never been able to get enough of you. Everything you made me believe in, disappeared like your last breath. Not all of us get a happy ending just wished I could've spent more time with your words towards the end. Short conversations, we both knew where we would end, you right here and me all alone with our sons. I really do wish it was me instead of you, I have completely forgotten how to live without you Alexander. Now I'm left alone as you watch from some other dimension. I have to believe in afterlife now, don’t I?
“A demon afraid of flying and an angel afraid of falling. What a perfect match we make Magnus.”
I read the letter you left me yesterday. Even a brain as hazy as yours could write such beautiful words. We should’ve written together like we dreamt. A small private masterpiece to remember you by, now all I'm left with are memories, fragile crystal memories. The odds are funny, one rise and shine while the other falls and disappears. But we are the sun and the moon, casting a looming shadow on love, never to be forgotten.
You were a sun, even during the massive storms, you still lit the day, you still lit my day. And me, well, I am the moon, always surrounded by the stars to hide how lonely and broken I actually am. I always loved the twilight, the sun and the moon sharing the sky for just a few minutes. But those short moments are more than enough to enjoy the experience, harder to bear the wonder for longer. I guess my allegory was a little too perfect.
I couldn’t stop crying as I remembered our first dance to the song we claimed was written for us. Do you recall how angry Isabelle got when we decided on that song, “It’s a dark song Alec!”, she had argued. “We are dark people.” you had quipped, a smile bloomed on your face when she finally backed down and agreed. If I knew then where we would end up way too soon, I’d have lingered a bit longer.
My therapist said I’ll feel better if I leave a letter for you, I don’t see it helping. I miss you Alexander, our kids miss you. Let me end this before it gets too much, I have left love behind with you.
Yours always,
Magnus Bane.
************
The evening was a little too perfect, the music playing loudly on the lakeside as the light breeze flew freely around them, the clearing illuminated by the bell jar lights hung through the branches surrounding the clearing. Izzy proudly looked around at her decorations. Fairy tale wedding for a fairy tale couple.
"By starlight I'll kiss you
And promise to be your one and only
I'll make you feel happy
And leave you to be lost in my eyes.”
Alec and Magnus were swaying together to their favorite song. All eyes focused on them but they stayed in their own bubble, shared by just the two of them. The soft kisses they shared in between gazing and leaning on each other made all the guests coo at them, but all they heard was their song and the loud breathing they shared as one.
“I love you.” Alec whispered as he hugged Magnus, holding on tight as they danced. Magnus couldn’t help the soft smile that graced his face as he held on tighter whispering a small “Forever” back at Alec.
Izzy smiled as she too danced with Simon beside them. She was happy for her brother and for her brother-in-law. A giggle left her as she thought of that, brother-in-law, finally. Simon looked at her strangely as she laughed, but she didn’t care, she was on cloud nine.
*****
The evening was gloomy, the hospital echoed with whispers of people and wails of equipments. Alec was holding onto Magnus’s hand a bit too tight as they waited for their turn to talk to the doctor.
“And where will we go
What will we do?
Soon said I will know.”
A few days back Alec had woken up in the hospital after fainting at his book signing, throwing up blood. As he came to first thing he saw was Magnus pacing beside his bed and the relieved smile when he saw Alec’s eyes open. Alec was thankful that their ten and six year old quirky kids were waiting at home with Izzy, he’d rather they not see him at the hospital. Alec had hoped that he could leave soon, but instead coming face to face with a doctor looking at him like he is already dead didn’t assure him.
“We must do a biopsy before we can say for sure.” That’s all Alec heard.
Now as they sit outside waiting for their turn Alec tried his best to hold back the fear that it might be positive. The fear that he might have to leave his family sooner rather than later. He didn’t know what to do, so he rested his head against Magnus’s shoulder who held his hand tighter playing with the wedding band.
“You’ll be fine Alexander.” Magnus whispered into his hair as he left a kiss there. Soon enough the both walked in hands held together.
“I’m sorry Mr. Lightwood. The test came back positive.” That’s it, those were the words that brought Alec’s life to a stop. “We need to start on treatments immediately.”
A long discussion later Alec found himself standing near the reception of the hospital, tears falling down his face as he realized his fate. Seeing Alec no longer walking beside him, Magnus looked back to find him just helplessly looking at him as tears fell carelessly. Alec could feel Magnus’s heart break in two when he saw him look so broken. He walked back hugging Alec, whispering brave words he believed then.
*************
The evening was rainy, the sound of thunder coming from far. Everyone had left before the chemo had to be administered leaving Magnus alone in the huge hospital.
“Dead eyes, dead eyes
Are you just like me?
Her eyes, her eyes
Were as vacant as the seas.”
Magnus was sitting on Alexander’s bedside, holding the hand the IV was fixed in. He could hear his loud breathing, the pain leaving him restless even while asleep. As he jolted awake Magnus moved to sit facing him on the bed, running his hand through Alec’s hair, shushing him as he did that. Alexander would always be the most beautiful person in his eyes, but even Magnus couldn’t deny how sickly he looked. His once bright hazel eyes seemed sad and dull, surrounded by dark circles. His nose red and lips were chapped and pale. What was left of his hair was greasy, thin and messy and his skin pale, the unhealthy kind, almost grayish. He looked too thin, as if he never ate, which was almost true, he did eat but just couldn't seem to keep it down. A few tears left Magnus’s eyes as he caressed his face before leaving a kiss on his forehead and lying down beside him, Alec shifting to lay his head on Magnus's chest.
“I love you.” Magnus whispered as Alec slowly drifted off to sleep with a quiet, “Forever.”
********
The evening was cold, the first snow of the year had just started sticking to the ground. Though the coldness in the air was welcomed as it was much easier to bear than the coldness in their hearts.
"And all along we knew we'd carry on
Just to belong.
By starlight I know you,
As lovely as a wish granted true
My life has been empty, my life has been untrue”
“Alexander, he is… He was... He is my everything.” Magnus said as he looked at the crowd, the closed casket kept beside him the final resting place of the person he most loved. Magnus didn’t know which emotion was ruling him then, anger, sadness or desperation. He wanted to run back home and have Alec hold him in his arms. Tears fell from his eyes as he looked back at the crowd, filled with people who knew them, he focused on fourteen-year-old Rafael who was holding his younger brother as they cried. “Alexander was… I’m sorry, I can’t…”
Jace looked at the casket Alec had chosen for himself, a monarch blue shaded silver casket, “I want a final piece of luxury” he said, as he argued with Jace to help him surf on the internet for one. It was so morbid that Jace had to excuse himself to catch his breath before helping out Alec.
Jace was so angry, he didn’t know at whom, he just was. Clary sobbed holding on to him as they sat beside Alec and Magnus’s kids. How are any of them supposed to survive Alec’s death? He had no idea. Alec was the glue, the voice of conscience amongst them. As Magnus started to speak, Jace couldn’t bear it anymore, he broke down resting his face in between Clary’s neck and her shoulder, he couldn’t focus on Magnus’s words, he couldn’t focus on anything other than the big glaring absence of Alec. He was trying to get back his breath when he heard the kids whisper “Papa” and ran to the front to Magnus.
Magnus was sitting on the ground, his face hidden behind his knees as he rocked back and forth. Rafael and Max sat down beside him and hugged him as tight as they could. As the kids bawled into their father’s shirt Jace stood up just as Izzy did, both of them walking to the broken family to get them to sit down on the chairs rather than the cold snowy ground.
“Magnus… Kids… Hey, come on.” Izzy said as she sniffled, her eyes puffy from crying all night and day as she kneeled beside Magnus. Her one hand resting on Magnus’s shoulder and the other wiping her own tears.
“He can’t be gone..” Magnus whispered sitting down straight, he wasn’t even crying anymore. “This can’t be it…” Izzy and Jace just looked at each other, both tearing up all over again hearing Magnus’s repeat, “This can’t be it.”
“Magnus, this is it.” Maryse said as she cried, coming to stand beside Magnus, “This is it” she said again kissing his forehead when he started whimpering.
“No.. No..” Magnus whispered over and over again, “Please no. Please I can’t..”
“Papa…” Ten year old Max whispered as he moved to sit on Magnus’s lap bringing him back to the reality. He held his children close to him, kissing their foreheads as he broke down again. Izzy and Jace walked to Maryse, huddling closer, all three of them needing support.
There was not a single dry eyes around as they lowered the casket. Alexander Lightwood was loved by all.
********
“Dead eyes, dead eyes
Are you just like me?
Her eyes, her eyes were as vacant as the seas.
Dead eyes, dead eyes
Are you just like me?”
“Hello Alexander.” Magnus said between coughs pulling his coat in tighter as he kept the bouquet of Alec’s favorite flowers leaning on the headstone and slowly sat down on the grass, still wet from the heavy rainfall.
“Rafael’s daughter turned seven last week, they came to see you then, didn’t they?” His face couldn’t stop the smile that grew on his face. “She asked me about you yesterday. Can you blame the child? Your beautiful face is everywhere she goes, at her dad’s house, at her uncle’s house, our house, in my hospital room. Rafael and I talked for a long time about you to her.” The coughs interrupted him from continuing. “Did I tell you about the picture Rafael had hung in his living room? It was taken on Rafael’s 10th birthday, four of us look so happy in that, makes me miss you even more. I'm tired of missing you all the time Alexander.” He sighed playing with the grass.
“You remember that day don’t you? Nothing was going as planned. You almost pulled all your hair out in frustration. You hadn’t shaved in awhile, your eyes were red from the lack of sleep, so focused on your deadline, you looked absolutely ravishing though.” Magnus laughed, which surely turned into a fit of coughs that he held back slowly. He hated laughing. “Anyways, somehow we made it, and Rafael ended up giving us both handmade cards. Thanking us for being his parents and for keeping him alive for the nine years he was with us. We were laughing so hard at the second part. Everyone else ended up staring at us like we were crazy.” Magnus laughed again, but this time he wasn’t able to stop his cough.
Magnus could feel the breeze almost caressing him, “I know, I know, I shouldn’t have left the hospital. But my dear it’s our anniversary, how can I not come visit you? You know better than anyone that no matter how old, I’m still very resourceful. Also Isabelle and her son are secret romantics at heart.” This time as he coughed his handkerchief ending up bloodier than it was when he walked to Alec.
“According to the doctor my conditions are getting worse. Max is shouting at the doctor everyday, and Rafael keeps complaining. I don’t mind dying my dear, it just means I’ll get to see you soon." Magnus smiled as he continued, "I can’t wait Alexander, it’s been way too long since I held you.” Magnus said standing up slowly, groaning as his old body gave him pain. As he stood up, he felt the world was spinning. He tried to breathe in but the coughs were stronger, he could barely stand anymore. As he fell back to the ground, his knees hitting the wet ground painfully, he swore he could see Alexander standing beside him. He could almost feel a ghost of his hands on his shoulders as he tried to breathe.
The loud screams of an old Isabelle Lightwood telling her brother-in-law to hold on was permeating through the calmness of the surroundings as her son called for an ambulance. The evening was damp from the heavy rain lasting all week, twilight rays of sunlight were shining through breaks in high clouds and illuminating like spotlights from heaven, the distant scent of rain still remained in the air. The evening that Magnus Bane reunited with his husband was a beautiful blissful evening.
“And are you just like me?”