Work Text:
"There really is not much point in living. Death is inevitable so why suffer through life if there is no happiness? Why keep pushing through it? No point! Nothing brings joy anymore. I do not feel pleasure in what I used to enjoy doing."
The thoughts invading my mind seem to return more and more often so I just fall on the bed, drown in the pillows and sheets, let them consume me as I play some random instrumental music through my phone. The earphones completely separate me from the outside world. That is what I want. That is what I need. The music seems to be created by piano, violin and cello. Well... When do I listen to something different? Barely ever.
"I want to die... There is really nothing to keep fighting for... I do not make anyone happy... Everyone would be better off without me, yet no one at all would notice that I am gone. No one knows me. How could they when I do not let no one get close? I push everybody away! Always. Why? I do not want to hurt them with my misery. Where is it from? What right do I have to feel this way? No right! I have the money for food. I have a roof over my head. What else do you need you stupid piece of useless shit? What do you want? You are pathetic! Pathetic."
I pick up the blade again and feel the cold blade on my neck. I do not cut the skin. I just enjoy the cool metal. Until my skin warms it up. Then it is not the same anymore. Time to take the different sharp object... I place it on my shoulder and slowly drag it across. Then again. And again. Oh, just one more time. One more... Oh... The blood red is absolutely magnificent... That is my favourite colour. I pour some rubbing alcohol on a paper towel and run it across the freshly wounded flesh. I crave for the burning sensation. The stinging pain is calming and relaxing. I pour more on and repeat my earlier movement. Ugh. It hurts... But the pain is always lovely... I really enjoy the pain.
"You are an idiot! People get help in this state! Yeah... I am... But I do not deserve the help... Perhaps you are right for once."
"What is this?" I think to myself as I sit by the computer. I am just scrolling through YouTube when I spot the music video. "BTS - Blood, Sweat & Tears". "Okay, let's see what this is..." I sit mesmerised by the amazing choreography and voices. The great production and... Well... It seems to be so professional... Unbelievable. "I wonder what the lyrics are, I should listen more closely again... Oh. That is interesting. What else do they have? A whole album? "Wings". Hmm... I like it. But wait... "First Love"... The lyrics from this one... "Without you I am nothing"... I surrender in an instance. "Yes, yes, yes..." This music and lyrics... The voice. ''Yes, Mr Min. I am nothing..."
I stay there. Listening to that one song on repeat for so long. I loose track of time. I do not know where or when I am. I do not care. I am experiencing the harmonic chaos. His voice, his voice, his voice... Comfort, comfort, comfort. I doze off. I do not care if I do not return. I need this comfort.
After hours (or however long) I open my eyes still lost and swallowed by all that is that magical medicine, help... I notice the blade next to my bed. No. I do not crave it. I do not want it. I want Min Yoongi's voice and music.
"Are You my cure from all the evil demons? From my mind?"
Whenever it gets too much there is "First Love". It is always there for me. Every day. All the time. It is so reachable. It is pleasant... Truly pleasant. Without the pain of the blade. I actually enjoy how it wraps the colours around my weak body, hugs me and drowns me. I disappear. Go deep into the nonexistent oasis. Nothing else is there. Just it's warmth surrounding me. Protecting me. Hiding me. Lifting me up from the darkness with comfort, comfort, comfort. Min Yoongi = comfort.
"Agust D". "What is that, Mr Min? What miracle did you create?" I check. I listen. I experience and live the lyrics and music. And that voice. Some songs really stick out to me.
"724148 (치리사일사팔)"
"Wow. Those assholes must be choking from envy and shame... Congratulations, Min Yoongi. Your success is incredibly inspirational."
"The Last (마지막)"
"You... You understand... You understand..." I can feel my eyes water. The wetness streaming down my face. "You understand how it feels..."
"So Far Away"
I take in a deep breath. The one I could not have taken in in years. "It is perfect. That is perfection. It exist because of Min Yoongi... And the lady... I really like her. I really do. Who are you, Ms Suran?" She calms me down. She let's a smile appear on my face. A real one. Not a forced one for the others so no one would question and realise my darkness.
"Interlude: Dream, Reality"
I close my eyes as I leave it on repeat. I let myself drown. Again. I let Min Yoongi catch me. Again. I let him take me. Again. I let him save me. Again. I let him guide me. Again. I suffocate. Again. Yet this time there is no pain. I feel... Free? As free as I can I suppose. I am escaping. I am escaping. He is taking me away. He is taking me away from all that scares me.
I do not have the nightmares when his voice is in the backround. I just have the world he has built that allows me to feel safe and calm. Finally.
"Without you I am nothing"
The music dances in my heart. The heart that was forgotten for years. Because of what it would make me experience. Now it is different. The song goes on. Then it plays again. And again. I do not feel the dreaded sadness. I have not touched the collection of sharp objects. I just listened and trusted him. "I trust you." I whisper. The corners of my lips curl up.
"고맙습니다 민윤기."