Work Text:
Dream
I stumble as I go forward, but feel strong hands catch me.
He takes my hand and leads the way
Out of the darkness and into the light of the day.
"I am here." He reminds me with a reassuring smile. "With you." We walked for awhile until we reached a little red river. "Why is it this colour?"
"Because of all the blood I have lost whenever I have held a knife."
"Why do you do this?"
"It is simply better that way."
"I do not think so. Is it not better to accept and love yourself?"
"That is very difficult."
"I know it is."
"I understand that. That is one of the reasons you affect me as much as you do."
"Then listen to me and let me help you." Min Yoongi intertwined our fingers. "I will always be here with you."
"He is not the only one." I turned at the man with the dimply and bright smile, honeyed skin. "We are here to protect you. This world you have built is for us to guard you from evil." He stood next to me, opposite of his friend.
"The evil is also built by me, Mr Jung."
"At certain times we are our own biggest enemies." She said with a soft smirk as she stood next to Min Yoongi.
"Ms Shin..." I grin at her. "You may protect me... But I want to repay you for it, my guardian of happiness."
"We do this to reach the audience that need a safe place." The one who has met me here at the beginning commented.
"Right now you must focus on yourself." A different man walked up to me.
"You have been here for so long... How could I ever repay you, Mr Hutchcraft?" I glanced at the person next to him. "As well as you, Mr Anderson."
"This world is not for this. You know it is for your safety." The older out of the duo reminded.
I started having a difficulty breathing. I cared for all of them, but there were just so many people now. I cannot do that... I-
"Remember that you have many guardians here. Whenever you need someone... Do not hesitate." The one without the thick beard responded to my body language, gave a sweet and honest smile and the two walked off.
"We will not leave you. You simply just need to summon us." Shin Suran said with a hand on my shoulder and then she went away with Jung Hoseok.
"We are all here for you." Min Yoongi hugged me tightly as we sat down on the ground. I leaned into his touch.
"It is just a dream... It is just a fantasy..." I shuddered in his embrace. In his safe, yet still untrue hold. "None if this is real."
"The feeling is real and that is all that matters." He whispered as he gently rubbed my back, caressing the worry away, relieving anxiety.
"I need help to be happy... I do not know how to do it by myself." My arms wrapped around his warm body.
"That takes time and a lot of work."
"I think I will not escape the darkness. It will always return so powerful... So mighty."
"I know what you are trying to say and I can understand the feeling. Partly at least."
"It is so frightening without you... I cannot go to sleep... It all comes back in silence. There is hope in this submission. In you."
"I will always be here. Just do not ignore it. Please." His fingertips kiss my skin tenderly as they dance upon it. "There does not need to be more bloody rivers."
"I try. I do."
"That is the best anyone can do. Know that you are stronger that it. You can fight and win."
"I do not think I can win... Yet perhaps I could survive."
Reality
Back to the blue side...
I open my eyes and realise that it was simply a lie of my mind. "Help..." A broken cry drags off of my lips as I close my eyes again and continue laying senseless. I do not let tears slip away. I do not let them wash me away.
I need it again. Like always. I am too weak to be alone in silence. I take my earphones and separate from all once more while hiding under a blanket. Nothing new...
The voice echoes.
I feel guilty for being so pathetic. I feel sad for being so useless. I feel angry for being so unproductive. I feel miserable for being me. I feel empty.
That is why I lie to myself and why I have created that place. I just wish to get away from the real world. But I cannot ignore my responsibilities like that! I cannot be this immature and stupid!
Stop! STOP! STOP!
I try to emerge. I fail.
There is nothing else left, but to hide. Hide in there. With them. Even when they are not really there. But I am so afraid of myself that I need it.
No... NO!
Do not do it. Do not do it. Do not-!
The rope around my neck is so tight... So tight... It is quite difficult to breath... It is silent as I hold it there. So quiet. Almost peaceful. But it is chaos.
Eventually I take it off. Right before I feel like I am about to pass out. Ending all would just be to easy. I deserve the haunting remorse.
Tears blur my vision. None roll down. They stay there and taunt my exaggerated pain. How dare I feel this way? I am just overreacting to all. I do not deserve to get out of this pit because I am not worth happiness.
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
I am so tired of this fear and shame...
I want to leave. I want to hold the familiar hand as the voice lulls me to sleep, to a bliss, to a calm daydream. Free of the nightmares.
One button. That is all that it takes. One button. I am not worth the escape. It is so hard... So scary... Please...
I surrender... Please... Carry my lifeless body away from the pain...
I always leave...