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She took the call with a trepidation she hadn't imagined she'd feel, as if somehow speaking to him would open up the wounds two weeks time had slowly begun to heal. Two weeks . Two weeks of paperwork and cases and carefully constructed avoidance of any courtroom, because it would mean she'd be there and he would not. It would mean she'd moved on in the opposite direction, and she wasn't ready to see another face turn to look at her from the other side of the rail.
She wasn't ready to be there without him.
The squad continued to work as a well-oiled machine; Fin's steady glances and that tiny worry wrinkle taking up permanent residence on Amanda's forehead as they'd try- and fail- to peer through the blinds and check up on their friend. The concern was appreciated, but she knew there was only so much time one could buy before their number was up and their work was affected. It would have to change, but she didn't know when she could make it happen.
“Olivia.”
“I'm here.” He'd listened to her breathing for as long as it had taken Noah to resume his current episode of Fuller House on the Roku, tucked beneath a ragged and wonderfully homemade quilt Lucia Barba had insisted they keep from his last Abuelita sleepover. I may not be his grandmother, Lieutenant Benson, but every child needs to be loved, and I have more than enough love to give. “How are you, Rafa?”
“I'm...” He chuckled, dryly, and Olivia slid wordlessly into the kitchen leaving Noah snuggled in his usual place on her bed. When the shrill ring of her mobile had broken through the family-friendly dialogue, it had taken her a moment to realize what it was. Who it was, as the ringtone hadn't played in so many days, and she'd hated to admit to herself that she'd almost forgotten that Seasons of Love had been set to play when she wasn't at the precinct. It was Rafael who had taken her to see Rent for the first time, and his fingers had deftly programmed the song beneath his caller profile only seconds before that crooked grin spread across his face, and he'd pushed the phone back into her coat pocket.
“Doing well, I hope.”
“For that to be the case, you'd have to be here with me.” The immediate silence that followed had her looking at the face of the phone with panic, worried that she'd lost the call, and with it, the first break in a too-long separation. “ Olivia, I'm sorry. I should have called sooner. How's Noah?”
“He misses his Uncle Rafa.” The bedroom door was open, slightly, and with a quick kiss in Noah's direction, Olivia nudged it shut and moved off into the living room. “We all do.”
“And ?”
“The last time we talked you left me with that same word, Rafael, and I think you know what I wanted to hear after it.” They hadn't ever said it, dancing around the words and the intimate acts that were often borne of it. Because, she admitted, she'd thought she had more time. “But you moved on.”
“I moved on from my job, Olivia. From my work. I could never move on from my-”
“From what? From your friends?”
“From my life .” The familiar way his breath caught made her miss him more, sinking onto the couch and remembering the last time he'd been there, with his arm stretched across the back and fingertips just inches from her own. They could have moved on then, together, she thought, and the ache of being left again by someone that she loved inflated in her chest like a balloon for one brief, terrifying moment. “ And I know it was a mistake to go without telling you how I really feel. It was wrong, and it wasn't fair.”
“No, it wasn't.”
“And I love you, Olivia Benson.” The ache subsided, relief flared briefly, and a hollow space remained as she curled her fingers tightly around the phone. “ I need you to know that. You changed me, you made me better for the time that I've known you, and Noah- I can't tell you how much I love that little boy.”
“Rafa-”
“If I didn't say it now, I can't promise you that I would...not for a long time.”
“I understand.” And she did because she couldn't be sure she wouldn't have done the same. “Will you come back?”
“Wild horses couldn't keep me away, Liv.” In her mind’s eye she could see his smile again, and as Olivia let her head fall back onto the sofa, she swore she could smell his cologne. And maybe, she thought, she really could. “I took a ride up north for a bit- to Maine. Think Noah would like a fresh Maine lobster for dinner next week?”
“If he doesn't, I can certainly take care of that for him.”
“ Then it's a date. I'll let you know when I'm heading back.” The sounds of end credits became audible, and Olivia glanced over her shoulder at the closed bedroom door. “You have to go?”
“Sounds like Noah's at the end of season two- we were watching Fuller House , and he-” The words caught in her throat, and a soothing whisper followed her brief gasp for air.
“Shh. Shh. I'll be home soon. And in the meantime, don't start season three without me?”
“I might have a problem with Noah on that one, but I think I can hold out.” The idea of spending an evening with his arm around her shoulders, cozy beneath her favorite comforter was enough to help her breathing even out. It was enough to keep her going, she thought, until he came back. “I love you, Rafael Barba.”
“ You sure you don't just love me for the lobster?”
“Get home safe, Counselor.” The line beeped twice and went dead, but Olivia kept the phone pressed against her cheek for just a moment more, until the familiar sound of her door opening made her pull it away.
“Mommy?”
“Hey, my love. You ready for another show?”
“Was that Uncle Rafa?” The dinosaur footie pajamas were getting too small, she noted, silently mourning the loss of her baby boy as her son padded slowly down the short hallway and climbed effortlessly onto her lap. His curls smelled of fresh cotton and a hint of sandalwood as she let her nose brush against them, and she smiled.
“What makes you ask that?”
“When I asked you when he was coming back to play Chutes and Ladders, it made you sad. You look sad now, Mommy. Does Uncle Rafa make you sad now?”
“Oh, no, baby. Uncle Rafa just went on a vacation. I'm crying because I miss him, but he's coming home to stay with us. It's just going to be a little while, that's all.”
“Okay.” The simple reply made her chuckle, and Olivia rose to hoist her son in her arms and kiss his cheek loudly.
“All right- it's time for bed. Think you can stay in your own tonight if I read you the next chapter of Captain Underpants?” Curls bounced as Noah nodded eagerly, and Olivia let the phone drop gently onto the sofa before carrying her son to his room. She'd come back and stare at it for what would feel like hours, she knew, running the pad of her thumb over the sweaty screen and thinking about words exchanged not long before. But she would hear from him again, and she would see his face in her home, and she would lie in bed with her ear pressed against his skin.
He had moved on, she realized. From being alone.
And she and Noah had moved right along with him.