Chapter Text
As Jin stands there with the camera recording, memories are being saved. He never wants this to be forgotten- never wants any of these happy times they shared to be forgotten or lost. On this spring day, all that can be seen are the bright smiles on their faces, all that can be heard is their laughter, and their voices when all of them talk together.
Taehyung is talking with Namjoon, Hoseok and Jungkook are play fighting, and Yoongi and Jimin are also talking but also watching the others too. And then they're playing games, jumping on each other, sword fighting with sticks, and doing graffiti, and a bunch of other things.
They're happy.
Despite his rough life at home with his abusive father, Taehyung is happy right now. Despite struggling with pills and severe depression, Hoseok is happy right now. Despite his depression and anxiety, Yoongi is happy right now. Despite his insecurities and mild depression, Jimin is happy right now. Despite struggling with his feelings most of the time, Jungkook is happy right now. Despite being stressed all the time from work to be able to help take care of the others, Namjoon is happy right now.
Despite the fact that his thoughts are everywhere and have been for the past few weeks or so, Jin isn't quite happy, but he is happy enough to smile genuinely.
As it starts to get a bit darker, they all pile into Jin's truck and drive to the beach to watch the sunset together. They play around for a bit more, but eventually they all end up sitting around, watching the waves of the ocean, the setting sun. There's a bridge that extends over the large body of water in the distance, and they can see the tiny lights of the cars passing over it. Smiles are still on their faces, and they don't seem to care it's getting a bit chilly out. This day is one of the best they'd ever had.
As the sun finally sinks beneath the horizon, Jimin pulls Yoongi and Hoseok (who are on each side of him) closer, and in turn they pull the ones next to them closer as well, and so on. Jimin smiles, looking at all of them.
"You guys... you are my everything," he says, grinning, and they smile, laugh lightly and nod in agreement until Jimin speaks again, his voice soft, almost inaudible, the grin turning into a sad smile. "I probably would be dead or close to it without you. You guys helped with my eating problem and my... other problems, a lot, and I'm still trying to figure out how to thank you for it."
"No thanks necessary," Jungkook smiles, and Yoongi pulls Jimin a little closer.
"We've got your back, and we hope you've got our backs as well," Taehyung murmurs, and he's smiling a little too. Jimin nods at that, and Taehyung smiles at Jin. "Jin has really helped me a lot, but you guys have helped so much too."
"I feel the same way," Hoseok replies, and the others look at him, listening. Hoseok is smiling still, but it falls slightly with his next words. "You guys have helped me so much, and I don't know if I would be here if I didn't have you."
"Hobi," Jin says as he pulls him closer, and Hoseok lets his head fall on the older boy's shoulder. Jin closes his eyes momentarily, breathing in the scent of the ocean. His mouth is in a small smile when his eyes reopen, but his eyes are full of sadness.
"I love you all," he whispers, and they all move into a group hug. "I love you all to the ends of the earth and back. No matter what happens, promise me you'll never forget this." They all nod, looking at Jin, who kisses all of their cheeks softly, and then Namjoon smiles, his face heating up when Jin gets to him.
"Things wouldn't be the same without you guys," Yoongi admits, and they all pull apart slightly to look at him. "Before you guys, my depression and anxiety were so bad that I couldn't even fake a smile. I stayed drunk most of the time and was slowly killing myself. With you guys, I don't have to fake smiles or get drunk to be content because when I smile now, it's real. I'm not as depressed as I was before. When I'm with you, I feel happy."
Jimin smiles at him again, letting his head fall on Yoongi's shoulder, "You can smile as long as we're together." And everyone nods at that.
Things will never be the same after this day.
Not because this was the first time some of them had actually talked about things in a while. Not because this day really changed them much. No, it's because this day is the last day they'd be happy and smile. This day is their last good day.
On the way back home, they stop to get gas. Namjoon gets out to pump while Hoseok runs inside to pay, and Jin sits behind the wheel, watching Namjoon. Jimin is asleep in the bed of the truck, and when Hoseok comes out he covers him up more with the blanket, and Taehyung and Jungkook smile at them.
Namjoon finishes pumping and goes over to Jin's window, reaching for his pastel pink Polaroid camera, holding it up to take a photo of Jin, who, this time, doesn't really refuse to have his picture taken. Yoongi jumps in the photo at the last minute from the backseat, but ends up retreating before the photo is actually taken.
The picture comes out of the camera, and when Namjoon gets back in the truck, he puts the photo in the glovebox, and Jin watches him with a smile before he drives off. He'll let him keep that photo, maybe.
Soon they're back at their house since Yoongi, Jungkook and Taehyung all decide to spend the night, and they eat something nice that Jin makes. Then they all pile up together the best they can on the couch, most of them drifting off to a peaceful sleep- the best way to end a good day.
Jin doesn't sleep much. Around seven in the morning, he gets up off the couch, and his heart aches as he looks at the boys. Tears well up in his eyes as he kisses each of their foreheads, lingering awhile- he knows.
Later, after the sun has risen, is when he's sitting, alone, in his truck on the beach. He watches the water for a long time, and then suddenly remembers the photo and opens the glovebox, reaching for it. He pulls it out, and a small smile appears for a short moment, but then he puts it back in there. He pulls out his phone and sends one quick text, shutting it off after he gets a response and then shoving it into the glovebox as well.
He closes his eyes for a bit before he leaves the beach, and he hopes that things will be okay, especially for the boys. He takes his time thinking of each of them and how much he loves them all. He ends up tearing up again. And again, he knows.
He knows that it'll probably be the last time. He knows everything will change. In just a few short hours, everything will change, because he can't expect things not to. He knows nothing will ever be the same. Not after today. Today, it ends and begins.
He drives across the bridge now, taking a deep breath.
Today, the boys will wake up feeling happy after what happened yesterday.
He smiles a little, but it's a sad one. They never leave his mind.
Today, the boys will wake up but he won't be there.
He's just happy he got to give them one really great day, and he's happy that he had them in his life.
Today is the day Jin commits suicide.
-
The boys know something is wrong; not when they wake up and realize Jin isn't there, but when he doesn't come home later.
And then that's when someone - who says he's a police officer - calls and tells them that, "Kim Seokjin committed suicide."
He also tells them that witnesses saw him drive right off of the bridge that extends over the beach they visited the night before, and that it appeared to be intentional.
"Seokjin drowned in his car," the policeman tells them, "He's dead."
And none of the boys know how to handle this, after the policeman finally hangs up the phone. All of them first feel extremely upset and shaken, and then they feel numb inside and so confused and hurt. At one point, they're all crying, even just a little.
They all can't help but to feel both angry and sad. Some of them shed more tears than the others - Jimin and Hoseok - and Taehyung gets really angry, and the others just keep it in the best they can so they don't fall apart. Namjoon has to be strong for all of them, he has to take care of them, but he's hurting inside so much- probably more than anyone (he had feelings for Jin, but he guesses he has to get over it now). Yoongi feels he has to be strong too, to make sure the others are okay, and Jungkook just can't bring himself to cry. He just feels empty.
None of them can figure out why- why Jin would do something like this. He was happy, wasn't he? Or were they wrong?
It just doesn't make sense.
There is no funeral since they couldn't find Jin's body, the officer had said, and it's Jimin who finds Jin's suicide note. He wasn't even looking for one (he just wanted to lie in Jin's bed and cry for a while, wanted to be alone for a bit, wanted to inhale Jin's scent and pretend he was hugging him, because pretending makes everything better, doesn't it?), but when he walks in, he notices it- the note, sitting on the bedside table, folded up neatly, and he quickly picks it up.
He unfolds the paper, reading the messy hangul written there. He realizes he's crying when teardrops hit the page in his hand, and then his legs feel weak and he can't stand anymore.
It's Hoseok who finds him sitting on the floor in Jin's room later, crying his eyes out, the note put away so Hoseok won't see it. Hoseok quickly kneels beside him and wraps his arms around him.
"Jiminie," he says softly, pulling the younger boy into his arms. "Hey, it's okay, come here."
Jimin clings to him, hands gripping the oversized sweater Hoseok is wearing as he cries into his chest. Hoseok brushes the hair out of Jimin's eyes, pressing a soft kiss to his forehead.
"It's okay," he whispers, trying to get the other boy to calm down, because it's all he can do right now.
-
Things slowly begin to fall apart after that.
The boys begin to grow more distant, each trying to deal with their feelings in their own ways. Namjoon wishes he had known about Jin's depression so he could have stopped it. He blames himself, because wasn't he the one with the feelings for Jin after what had happened between them that one time? That time Jin got drunk and kissed Namjoon, who had been mostly sober, and then Jin suggested the next morning that they never talk about it again and Namjoon agreed because that's what Jin had wanted?
He wonders when Jin started feeling the way he did. Sure, he paid lots of attention to him, but he never noticed. It makes his heart hurt, and his head too. He should have noticed- he is the one with the really high IQ after all.
But no matter how smart he is, he still didn't see it.
Taehyung is the most distant out of all of them. He comes to the other boys' shared house (not counting Jungkook, who lives with Yoongi, who has his own apartment), his home away from the sorry excuse for a home he has with his father and sister - the place he goes to when he desperately needs to get away - but he doesn't interact much with anyone else anymore, preferring to stay in the spare room made up for him (and sometimes Jungkook too) to just think, to get away, to be alone.
He'll show up, shut himself in there, and be gone by morning. Jungkook and Namjoon practically force him to eat while he's there, and so they're the only ones he interacts with.
Yoongi is trying to keep it together more than Namjoon is, but he finds himself being awfully distant as well. Half the time, somewhat like Taehyung, he finds himself in the room set aside for him, or at his apartment, staring at the wall. Sometimes he'll flick a lighter, staring into the flames. He doesn't talk much anymore, like before he met the others. Never smiles. He spaces out a lot, getting lost in thought, wondering why things had to be this way.
Jungkook is trying his best to get over it, spending a lot of time around both Taehyung and Yoongi more than anyone to help them try too, but he's still devastated, as he should be. He's trying harder than anyone to just cope, and get over it, (because it happened, and it can't be changed, so why let it control him? It's not like they'll never be happy again, and he knows that) but he notices none of the others seem to be doing the same. He guesses he understands, but at the same time he doesn't.
Hoseok is trying to keep everyone together, but it isn't really working. He's close to giving up, really, on trying to keep it together, on himself mostly. He finds himself starting to take pills again, because they make him feel numb and make the pain go away. He sleeps a lot more too, because if he's asleep then he isn't aware. He does, however, have nightmares about Jin, and that's when he finds himself waking up to take more pills.
Jimin feels lonely, even in a place with others. His depression has gotten worse, he quit eating again, he barely sleeps and he's losing hope. He doesn't know what to do anymore. The others are there, but they're all lost in their own worlds, and Jimin feels like he's all alone. He finds himself thinking about dying way more than he should, but he can't help it, even though he knows suicide is selfish, even though he knows that it'd break the other boys more if he killed himself.
It's so hard for them to even look at each other anymore. It's hard for them to be around each other without feeling like something - or someone - is missing. They're constantly reminded of Jin.
In the dining room, there's one extra chair that no one ever sits in. Upstairs, there's an untouched bedroom full of things that are no longer used. In the cabinet, there's only one coffee cup that's collecting dust. In the bathroom, there's a toothbrush no one touches. Everything is a reminder of him.
Jin was very close to all of them, and his death hurt them way more than he probably ever thought it would. They all miss him, even though they're all angry at him, and they just wish that they could have him back.
They just wish.
-
He's waking up somewhere unfamiliar. A white room with white furniture, wearing white clothes. A wilting white lily sits on the table beside the bed, but one of the petals had already died and fallen off. He stares at it, wondering where he is, wondering where the others are, but suddenly he's falling asleep again and he can't fight it, so, confused, he lets sleep take over once again.
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