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Danny wasn’t sure if he was alive or dead. It wasn’t like it was a pressing issue or anything, but sometimes when he couldn’t sleep he would lie awake at night and think about it.
Was he alive? He was a ghost, wasn’t he? To become a ghost, you had to… but he was also alive, he was human. That got him thinking. Was he a ghost who could transform into a human or a human that could transform into a ghost?
It would be around about here when would shake his head and roll over, content to not think about it. But he never forgot. And slowly but surely, every night he lay awake and thought about it.
Often, he dismissed it before he could get too deep into it, he told himself that it was because he was fifteen! He did not need to be thinking about death and ghosts when he had other normal teenage-y things to be thinking about, like school and girls. That’s what he told himself, every night when he rolled over and shook his head, drifting to sleep.
The truth was, he was scared to think about it. He didn’t really want to know if he was dead or not, he was quite content to believe that he was alive and just a human with some freaky-cool ghost powers from an accident when he was fourteen.
But on the off night that he actually let himself think about it, the less he believed himself.
He was determined to sleep tonight.
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The day was just like any other. He woke up when Sam and Tuck walked into his room to pick him up and they laughed as he scrambled around to get ready for school. As usual, his mother offered for them all to eat breakfast together and Danny waved her off, running out the door as to not be late.
At school he snoozed and daydreamed through most of his classes - he actually did try in class, he did, it just wasn’t his fault all of his classes were so boring. Dash hassled him as usual, and he drooled over Paulina – and made a fool of himself in the process – as usual.
After school, he Tuck, and Sam hung out at Nasty Burger, and that night he did his usual lap around Amity Park. Everything was like any other day.
Until he got into bed. He tossed and turned, fluffing his pillow and shifting his blankets around. He tried counting sheep, counting back from 100 singing himself lullabies, but every time he closed his eyes, he was jerking them open again, like some unseen energy was forcing him to face what he was avoiding.
Was he alive?
Yes, he was. He breathed, ate bled, slept. He was alive. So why did he think otherwise? Why couldn’t he stop thinking about it?
The silence in his room stretched, offering no solace from his turmoil. There was nothing to distract him from his thoughts here.
He thought about it, what would make him dead? Why would he even have the slightest feeling that he might be?
Well, the obvious thing was that he would have to have died to be dead. But he didn’t die, did he? No, he didn’t. He wouldn’t still be human if he had died. So that means that he just got ghost powers from that accident, didn’t it? That must be the truth.
He turned over, content that he had found the answer. He closed his eyes. Sleep never came.
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It had been weeks since Danny last had a full night’s rest. Night after night he lay awake, crushed by the thoughts floating around his head. He didn’t know what to do anymore, he didn’t have an answer, but he knew that he wouldn’t be able to sleep until he had one.
It was starting to affect his life during the day. He was falling asleep more and more in class, he was isolating himself, only talking when his friends pulled him out of himself. Danny’s parents had noticed and had sat him down and tried to talk to him, but every time he looked at them all he could think was that he was lying to them. What if the Daniel they thought was their son was actually dead, and a ghost was imitating him?
The thought of not actually being their son, or at least their alive son, made him physically sick. He waved of their concern saying that he was just stressed because of school. The excuse was believable enough.
He slid out of bed that morning, not having slept that night and stumbled around his room, pulling clothes off the floor to get ready for the day. Once he had his usual jeans and T-shirt on, he picked up his bag and headed down the stairs for breakfast.
Maddie was in the kitchen cooking pancakes, Jack and Jazz were already seated. Jazz bit her lip when she saw him. No doubt he looked exhausted; he had bags under his bags and his skin had an odd waxen tone. All through breakfast she shot him concerned glances but said nothing. That was okay, Jack spoke enough for the both of them. He was thankful for his family in times like these, he wasn’t sure if he was even capable of speaking, he was so tired.
After breakfast, he brushed his teeth and headed out the door to school. School seemed irrelevant to him right now, considering what he was currently trying to work through, but at the same time it was a constant; something both pre-accident Danny and post-accident Danny had in common.
School was crowded as usual. Lancer yelled at him for sleeping in class, saying something about calling his parents to tell them that he wasn’t taking care of himself properly, as usual. Dash hassled him, as usual. It was during last period that he actually felt something.
“Danny, you didn’t do your English homework, did you?” Tucker looked at him pityingly, “Duuude you are so dead”.
“Oh. We had homework?” Danny blinked at him.
Tucker sighed and moved into his seat, shaking his head. Danny methodically slid into his seat next to him. He wasn’t bothered by his unfinished homework, it was the comment Tucker made that was getting to him.
‘You are so dead’.
Dead. There was that word again. He had to face it. He had to. He would say that his lack of sleep and degradation of his health would kill him if the burning questions didn’t first, but he wasn’t sure if someone who was already dead could die a second time. He was going crazy like this. Tonight, he would find answers. Or lose himself trying.
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Transforming into Phantom was weird these days. He still transformed every day to do his usual rounds, but every time he did came with those unwanted thoughts. He was hesitant to become him these days.
But Danny did because regardless of what he felt inside, he had a duty to protect the people of Amity Park. He tired his best to push his thoughts to the back of his mind, and focus on the task at hand, but he couldn’t help it. Every time he dipped in the sky as he flew around he wondered if this was his real form, who he really was.
It was almost a relief when he flew into his window that night. And that feeling rose when he thought about what he was going to do tonight. He was going to end it, one way or another.
He had a nervous jittery energy that night through dinner, and it followed him all the way into bed. He couldn’t tell if he was nervous or excited or what. He just was.
Danny waited until he was sure that everyone was in bed asleep before getting out of bed. It had taken a while because Jack had insisted on staying up in the lab to do some late-night tinkering before Maddie had dragged her husband to bed, so the moon was high in the sky and illuminated a path for him throughout the house.
The trek down to the basement was slow. Danny felt his heartbeat increase intensity with every step closer. He wasn’t sure why, he had been down in the basement loads of times after becoming Phantom, but this time seemed to be special.
The door to the basement was closed and the air was cold. Danny unlocked it as quietly as he could and stepped through, shutting it behind him.
His gazed wandered around the room, almost avoiding it, and he shivered before his eyes turned to the object of his nightmares.
The portal sat at the end of the room, innocently silent. Danny approached it like one would a wild animal and felt adrenaline surge through his veins as he laid his hand on the door. This was it, this was where it happened. This was where he had died.
He could remember that day as clear as the sky outside. He could remember the stiff fabric of the suit he had put on, the desperation he felt to prove to Sam and Tucker that he wasn’t a wimp, the stale air that smelled of plastic, the coolness of the on-button as he pressed it.
He could remember the feeling of electricity surging through his body, setting his nerves on fire, the blistering heat of it, and the pain.
The excruciating burn of the ectoplasm as it merged with his DNA. He could remember the all-consuming blackness as the electricity reached his heart. He had woken up on the floor, Sam and Tucker leaning over him.
He remembered the relief on their faces as he sat up, his throat raw from screaming and his body had felt like it was melting.
Yes, he remembered that day well.
Danny swallowed and pulled himself into the present once more. Well, that settled it. He had died that day, right here in the lab his parents worked so hard to create.
He sat on the floor and tried to control his breathing. He wasn’t even aware that he’d been hyperventilating. He recognised the signs of an oncoming panic attack when his vision started to go black and his thoughts started to tunnel.
5 things you can see.
4 things you can hear.
3 things you can feel.
2 things you can smell.
1 thing you can taste.
He focused on breathing in and out until he was calm again. He wasn’t sure how long he had been sitting there, but at this point, he didn’t care. He was dead. He had died. He kept fixating on that. Danny had thought that the madness that tormented him every night would end when he found an answer, but somehow this was worse.
He desperately wanted to tell someone about this, just to talk to someone else who knew what was going on, someone who could understand and tell him what to do. Someone who had all the answers.
A person came to him, and if he was in his right mind he would have laughed at the thought of going to him for help, but right now, Danny didn’t care.
He transformed into Phantom and sped off into the night, recklessly plowing through buildings intangibly to get their quicker.
No matter how fast he flew or how many shortcuts Danny took, it was still a long trip, and the moon was on the path to set and the tips of the sun were poking over the skyline when he arrived.
He stopped outside the mansion because that’s what it was; no way could it be considered a house. He hadn’t really thought this far ahead, what if Vlad thought he was here as a hostile? It wouldn’t be an unjustified guess either, he hadn’t been that forthcoming with manners towards Vlad in the past.
But Danny steeled himself and turned back into Danny once more. He had come all this way for a reason, no way was he backing out now. He knocked.
It was then that it occurred to him that it was very early in the morning and it was most likely that Vlad was asleep. Danny stopped. What was he going to do? He needed to talk to Vlad, like right this instant.
As it worked out, he didn’t have to worry long, as the door swung open and Vlad was looking irritated. When he saw who was at the door, however, all traces of irritation faded, and a smirk replaced it.
“Why, Daniel! What a pleasant surprise. What brings you here at this time of night? Do Jack and Maddie know that you are here, hmm?” Vlad raised an eyebrow at him, that infuriating smirk still plastered on his face.
Danny put aside his feelings, and the stray question of why the hell Vlad was awake at this time, he had something important to do. “I need to talk.”
Perhaps it was something in his tone or maybe in his expression, but the smug look on Vlad’s face disappeared and Vlad moved aside, gesturing for him to come in. He didn’t say a word as they moved into the kitchen and Vlad bustled around making tea, and not a word was said yet again as Vlad situated them in large comfy chairs by the crackling embers in the fire.
Vlad was watching him intently, waiting for Danny to speak. He took a sip of his tea and breathed.
“I died.”
He didn’t say anything else as his throat had closed around any other words he had planned to say.
“I died.”
He suddenly found himself blinking away tears. He looked up at Vlad, willing him to understand what he meant because he was currently incapable of expressing it.
Vlad was still looking at him, but he couldn’t decipher his expression.
“I died.”
Vlad looked down at his lap, finally breaking the intense stare and in the quietest voice Danny had ever heard him use, whispered: “I know.”
And that was that. Danny felt as light as a feather all of a sudden, now that someone else knew, someone who could understand. This time, Danny waited for Vlad to speak.
It took a while, but finally, Vlad spoke up. “I’m honestly not sure how, but yes, we have died. We are still human, but we died.”
Danny took in a breath and held it for a few seconds before letting it out. “So…I’m still me?”
He knew the question probably made absolutely no sense, but Vlad nodded anyway.
That was honestly the best news that Danny had heard all week. He was still Danny.
“In a sense, it's like being half-alive and half-dead. Ironically, I believe it to be the ghost ectoplasm keeping us alive.”
They sat in silence for a while longer. The crackling of the fire died down and only the glowing embers remained.
“It hurt, dying. It hurt.”
Vlad curled his hand around his mug and took in a shaky breath.
“I know.”
They didn’t speak again after that, both of them just sitting together. When the sun was fully up, Danny put down his mug and looked up at Vlad.
“This doesn’t change anything, does it?”
Vlad smiled, not a smirk, but the beginnings of one. “No, it doesn't Daniel."
Danny nodded and stood up. He wasn’t sure he liked the answers that he got, but he could live with them. He wasn’t alone either.
When he walked out the front door he didn’t look back.