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Hoseok was one of those sunny boys. The boys who always laugh too loud, smile too wide and hug a little too tight. It was relaxing to be around them, especially if you were the opposite of this. Ever since Jeongguk had started university, it was him and Hoseok.
No one in between, them against the world. Maybe that was an exaggeration, but Hoseok was the closest friend Jeongguk had ever had, even if he counted his years before school. People didn't usually flock to him due to his rather reserved and shy manner, but Hoseok had seen through and broken the barrier he had spent years building up in an instant, and for some reason, Jeongguk is kinda glad that he did.
"I'm here, hyung." He calls as he enters the dance studio.
"Gukkie!" Hoseok waves while setting up the speakers.
"I'll go and get changed." Jeongguk sticks up a peace sign and ambles towards the change rooms.
By the time he comes back out, Hoseok has set up the room and is beginning to warm up.
"Can you record my piece again? I want to see how much I've improved."
“Buy me hotteok and we have a deal.” Jeongguk crosses his arms and Hoseok grins.
“Aish, when did you turn into such a brat? I remember those days when you’d say ‘Yes hyung’ without a word. Bring back that version of you.” Hoseok ruffles his hair and tosses his phone over. A long time ago, Jeongguk would have taken those words to heart, but with Hoseok’s warm words and eyes, he’d come to realise that Hoseok would never harm him in anyway, and it was relaxing to know that someone was there for him.
He turns on the phone.
"Hyung, the battery's almost flat." Hoseok looks over from where he is revising.
"Could you use your phone and send it to me?" he asks.
"Yeah, ok."
The music starts to play and Jeongguk recognises it as Jimin and Hoseok's duet.
It's an incredible choreography, and Hoseok controls every part of his body flawlessly. It was a level of control and coordination that Jeongguk aspired to have one day, not a flick of movement was out of place. With leaps, spins, rolls and jumps, the younger was effectively enraptured through the whole piece, and it took all his willpower not to forget the recording and focus all his attention on the dance. That was the thing about Hoseok's style. It demanded attention, every detail from the way he moved his head to the way his hips turned, screamed "look at me.", like a radiant light luring people like moths to a flame.
That was the thing with boys like the sun.
--
It's when Hoseok finds Jeongguk on the bathroom floor of their shared apartment clutching tightly at his hair that Jeongguk truly sees how much the older's presence affects him.
He feels Hoseok take his head into his lap and card his fingers through his hair.
"What are you doing here, Gukkie?" He coos. Jeongguk melts at his voice and sobs into his shirt.
"Th-there were so many p-people, hyung." He manages to choke out. Hoseok lifts him up easily and carries him to his bedroom. In Hoseok's arms, everything is safe. Nothing can get to him here. He feels the ants running under his skin disappearing, and the buzzing in his ears fading away.
And feels nothing.
"Do you want to talk?" Hoseok asks once they're sitting on his bed. He takes his hands and holds them tight as if Jeongguk is going to slip away if he lets go.
It's just Hoseok. Everything is fine.
"I-I fudged an oral presentation because everyone was looking at me, and I panicked and just ran out of there." He looks down, utterly dejected. Hoseok starts to let go of his hands, and immediately the ants are back, but he can't scratch his skin raw anymore, because his strong arms are wrapped around him tightly, caging him in.
"It's okay, Gukkie. How about I go with you later on to ask if you redo it? Your grades aren't the world." He doesn't say anything about the panic attack, and Jeongguk is grateful. He nods pathetically against his shoulder. They stay like that for a few more minutes before Hoseok slowly lets go. The ants are gone. He smiles at the younger brightly, Jeongguk is pretty sure the room gets brighter and warmer, and suddenly, everything's okay.
It's really not, but with Hoseok with him, it is.
That was the thing with boys like the sun.
--
Jeongguk is coming out of class after his redone oral presentation marks are out in a good mood. He'd spent a long time perfecting it, so to say he was happy seeing the good marks was an understatement.
He makes his way home slightly earlier than usual, two coffees in hand to thank Hoseok for helping him.
Skipping up to the stairs, he gets ready to surprise him, and can't wait to see his face light up when he sees the results and the food.
When he opens the door, theres no one in the living room, and the kitchen is quiet, but theres murmuring in his bedroom.
When Jeongguk creeps closer, he can hear Hoseok's voice, and the door is ajar.
"Thanks hyung. I really needed that." He drags a hand over his face and groans.
"I couldn't sleep last night because of it, my mind was going crazy." The person on the phone responds, and Hoseok laughs, tipping his head back.
"Yeah, I know."
Last night they had fallen asleep together on the couch after watching a movie. At least he had thought they had. Why hadn't he talked to Jeongguk about it? They were right next to each other.
Hoseok says something else, but Jeongguk's not around to hear it. He spins around on his heel and walks away, leaving the results and both coffees on the counter.
See, Hoseok would have opened up his heart to anyone, yet Jeongguk was only able to do so with him. He could simply ring up his contacts full of friends, but Jeongguk only had him.
The door slammed behind.
That was the thing with boys like the sun.
--
It's getting late, and Jeongguk isn't really sure where he's going. The sun's setting, but he isn't too keen on going home yet either.
It's when he's at a nearby cafe, mindlessly flicking through his phone when he knows what to do. Swiping right, he finds the video of Hoseok dancing. He plugs his earphones in, and presses play.
Watching the video wasn't as good as the real thing, but it still had practically the same effect. The same stretches and leaps sent shivers down his spine, and every roll and spin made Jeongguk take a deep breath.
It wasn't selfish to want to be warm, right?
--
The art studio was Jeongguk's safe haven. There weren't many people around, so Jeongguk was free to do what he wanted.
When he painted, time didn't exist. It was as if he were in a vortex with nothing but his music, paints and canvas, floating in between the realms of dreams and reality.
When he finished, he didn't know what time it was, nor how long he had taken. Every hour felt like a minute in this dimension. His phone was almost out of battery and on airplane mode to conserve it, but the dim screen read 1am, he'd gotten to the studio at around 5pm.
He'd painted a landscape of sunflowers with a boy lying in the middle of the field, holding a few flowers which were covering his face. Jeongguk took a look at the painting one more time, before packing up and heading.
The moon was hidden behind clouds.
--
He tries to creep into the house, but the lights are on, and Hoseok is sitting at the table watching the front door.
"Where have you been? I was worried sick! Why isn't your phone working?" He strides over. His hands are shaking.
For some reason, Jeongguk can't meet his eyes.
"Hey, are you alright?" Hoseok seems to notice this and asks in a softer voice, cupping his cheek, but Jeongguk's eyes stay glued to the floor.
"C'mon, it's okay, you don't have to tell me."
"I heard your phone conversation." Hoseok visibly stiffens, and takes his hand away from his cheek. Jeongguk wants to take it and put it back there, but he doesn't.
"How much of it?" His voice sounds croaky.
"You said that you couldn't sleep yesterday, because your mind was going crazy, but I was right next to you. Did you not want me to know? Why didn't you say? I could've helped."
"Ah." Hoseok scratches the back of his neck.
"I don't think I can tell you right now." He says.
"Okay." Jeongguk walks away. That night he dreams of Hoseok's hands on his face and running through his hair.
--
It affects him more than he'd like to admit. He avoids Hoseok like the plague, and everyday he can feel himself slipping back into the closed off boy he used to be.
Dance is the only class where they interact, and Jeongguk only replies with one word answers.
It's painful, but what he does is almost subconscious at this point.
"Hey, Gukkie." Hoseok is setting up again.
"I'm going to get changed." And Jeongguk is gone.
When dance finishes, neither of them have class for the rest of the day, so they walk home. Hoseok fishes his keys out of his pocket and unlocks the door.
"Want anything for dinner?" Jeongguk shrugs.
"Listen, you can't keep doing this anymore." He drops his bag inside. His voice is croaky again and Jeongguk looks up, surprised at the sudden outburst.
"Sorry?"
"You need to learn that not everyone can tell you everything. I can't have you having a temper-tantrum just because you don't know something. It's actually kinda selfish." Jeongguk is still frozen at the door.
"I'm sorry." He finally sighs.
"I shouldn't have snapped at you. I'm sorry too." And that was that. Everything is fine.
--
It wasn't fine. In fact, it might even be worse. Now, a sort of awkwardness had descended upon them. Conversations didn't last for more than a minute and neither of them looked the other in the eye. Opening the front door to the house, Jeongguk calls out,
"I'm home." The empty house echoes back. Usually Hoseok is home before him, but he has tutoring with Namjoon-hyung on Tuesdays, and only comes home at around 6:30. The day was tiring, and there was nothing that Jeongguk wants more than to take a steaming shower. Stripping off his shirt, he catches sight of himself for the first time in around a week. His hair is greasy, the bags under his eyes are puffier than ever, and his cheeks look a bit sunken. Looks like he'll have to do a lot more than take a shower then. He gets in, and massages the shampoo through his hair, and for a second, it's Hoseok's hands, pressing his headache away. Jeongguk flushes deeply, and turns the water to a cooler temperature to try and cool his flaming face down. What was that? He wasn't sure himself.
He scrubs his skin almost raw and washes his hair well, before stepping out and blow drying his hair.
When he steps out of the bathroom, he has a face mask on, and is dressed in the softest pyjamas he owns.
"Why don't I do this more often?" He sighs contentedly and flops on the couch, flicking the TV on and his phone to order some pizza. Hoseok comes in through the door a few minutes later looking exhausted, and for the first time in a while, Jeongguk's able to lift his head to meet his eyes.
"Go take a nice shower, theres another mask and your pyjamas next to the sink for you." He nods dazedly,stumbles over to the bathroom, and comes out of the bathroom as soon as the pizza arrives. The two of them sit together, on the couch watching pizza. It's a comedy. Hoseok laughs at some point, and Jeongguk realise how much he misses that loud chuckle that sometimes turns into a screech when he laughs too hard. The way the corner of his eyes crinkle up, and the way his lips dip into an endearing heart shape.
Jeongguk misses him.
"Hyung, I'm sorry." Hoseok seems surprised, but then looks away.
"I'm sorry too. You were just trying to help and I made you feel worse." His voice is doing the croaky thing again.
"I'm sorry I made it seem like you had to tell me what was wrong." Sighing deeply, he reaches over and clasps Hoseok's hands like he had done to him back then.
"I'm here for you, just like you were here for me." And Hoseok crumbles in his arms. This time, it's him who's breathing heavily and curled up against Jeongguk's chest.
"I-I'm so sorry." He chokes out.
"I tried to stop, but I couldn't. I'm so sorry Gukkie. I'm such a bad hyung." Jeongguk brushes back his bangs off his forehead.
"You're not a bad hyung, you're the best hyung I could have ever asked for. I promise." He lifts his head up slightly.
"I love you, Gukkie." He smiles softly and sits up, but this isn't like the fond smiles he usually has, this one is incredibly sad, like he's wishing something that he hasn't even lost yet goodbye.
"S-sorry?" This time it's Jeongguk who stutters. He can feel his blush spread from his cheeks to his ears and neck.
"I'm sorry for taking advantage of you opening up to me." The movie is playing, forgotten. Hoseok bows his head. This is the most vulnerable that Jeongguk's ever seen him. He takes his bowed head into his hands and brings his face up slowly.
"Hoseokie-hyung, you really are the best hyung I could ever, ever have." and then they're kissing, and it's even more amazing than he could ever imagine, his lips are soft and it's so incredibly 'Hoseok' that Jeongguk doesn't even know what to do with himself.
"I love you too, hyung." He says once they pull apart, and Hoseok smiles that brilliant wide grin, hugs him a bit tighter, and suddenly everything is okay. It really is.
That was the thing with boys like the sun.