Archive of Our Own

The day doesn't start well.

Music show performances are always filled with a lot of pressure. It doesn't matter that Taeyong loves performing and has been through this whole routine hundreds of times; there are some days it feels like almost too much. Trying to be perfect for all his sunbaes, peers, staff, and audience while being painfully aware of the hundreds of thousands of unseen eyes watching at home for any hint of a flaw is still anxiety-inducing and intimidating.

Today, there's an additional kind of pressure on NCT 127. They got stuck in traffic due to an accident, and they arrive at the building so far behind schedule they're almost late for the pre-recording. Everything is chaotic as they run around trying to get ready at top speed, throwing their clothes all over the dressing room as they change and sitting through a very hastily applied version of their styled hair and makeup. Taeyong can sense the stress and exhaustion within the group, the tension so strong it feels like one of them could snap. But finally they're ready, and are almost immediately rushed out onstage.

The performance isn't their strongest. Taeyong can tell it's reflecting their earlier frenzy, their currently rattled nerves and the very little sleep they've been getting for the past week. To a casual observer it might not seem so bad, but Taeyong notices all the small mistakes: Taeil's position a little off, Donghyuck briefly stumbling, Doyoung going a bit off-key, Yuta's lines coming out unstable. Taeyong himself isn't doing that great either; he's distracted, it's throwing his sense of timing off, and he's a little behind the beat on two occasions. It's very hard to deal with, since they've been practicing their Limitless stages non-stop for practically an eternity and could usually do this perfectly in their sleep, so failing to be flawless at this point is embarrassing and disappointing. And the more Taeyong becomes aware of how off their game they are, the more distracted he gets.

But that's not the only thing. Taeyong's been getting a foreboding sense for a while, something that's making it even harder to concentrate on the performance, but he can't pinpoint exactly what it is. The music is loud and there's a million things happening and he's just trying to keep his mind present in the moment, so it's not the time to try to figure out what the weird underlying thing is. It keeps getting stronger and stronger as the song goes on, but he still can't tell exactly what it is he's sensing.

Once the performance ends, though, it all rushes over him.

Taeyong feels bad. He feels weak and and nauseous and woozy and so tired he can barely keep his suddenly aching head up. The lights are too bright and too hot and he needs to lay down or he's going to throw up. These aren't his feelings, though. When he turns to look at the other members after they come out of their ending poses to the sound of cheering, his eyes somehow go immediately to Yuta.

Yuta looks awful. He looks exactly how Taeyong feels. And Taeyong should have known. He really should have fucking known.

Taeyong is hit with an overwhelming rush of dizziness, and when his head clears, Yuta is on the floor.

This is Taeyong's fault, in a sense. He should have prevented this. And he could have prevented it, because he knows Yuta. He knows everyone, and in any given moment, he can tell what they're feeling just as much as they can. Sometimes even better. But he didn't prevent it, because he can't think about Yuta anymore.

Actually, maybe he should go back to the beginning here.

Taeyong's always thinking about everyone. He's the leader of his group; it's his job to pay attention to people and do his best to take care of them, and he always feels a certain amount of responsibility to help nearly everyone. But he's also thinking about people in a much more literal way — he can sense the feelings of everyone around him, all the time.

He's an empath. He figured that out many years ago, and it was a difficult process. No child expects "supernatural abilities" to be on the list of things to develop during puberty, especially ones that almost no one else believes in. He didn't understand back then. No one explained it to him, but no one explained any of the other changes to him either, so he assumed it was normal. That all adults could sense emotions. However, he pretty quickly figured out it wasn't due to the reactions of his classmates and fellow trainees every time he mentioned something related to it. After hearing enough about how he was weird, creepy, a freak, crazy, attention seeking, lying, out of his mind, falling for stupid superstitions… he accepted he was an aberration and stopped talking about it. Sure, there's various people on the internet who also swear they have this ability, but he has no way to actually confirm that. So he's accepted his destiny to be some kind of strange alien, and shut up about it permanently.

The thing is, though, it didn't stop there. Just when he thought he'd finally understood everything about his power, there was another bizarre development in store. Up until then he could only sense people's feelings, but gradually he developed the ability to feel Yuta's.

Taeyong always knows they're not his own feelings. The difference is apparent. He feels them as if from a distance, and they're somewhat muted; he doesn't feel them with the same intensity Yuta does. His body also isn't physically affected by Yuta's state, just has the illusion that it is due to the influence of his mind. But as long as Yuta is in close enough proximity to him, whatever he's experiencing is replicated in Taeyong.

At least, it is unless he blocks it out. He does have the ability to put up a mental block against specific things he senses, or everything entirely if he wants. It can get really overwhelming to deal with the constant pressing awareness and mental strain of strong feelings coming at him at any given moment. Or, in Yuta's case, taking over him. And, by extension, he has the ability to put up a mental block against certain people. So he's been blocking Yuta out completely for almost two weeks.

Until today, that is. Today, between the stress and the hurry and the distraction, he lost the concentration necessary to maintain it during the performance and the block slipped. The problem is, it slipped way too late.

Taeyong has been blocking Yuta out because he doesn't want to be aware of him anymore, and the reason is so, so stupid. It's because Yuta's not in love with him. For much too long, he's been tangled up in Yuta. And lately, whenever Taeyong is aware of him, Yuta is all he can think about. He wraps himself up in Yuta's feelings and fixates on him, because all he wants is to be close to him. Being around him just feels so good, and he can't get enough. He has no self-control at all when it comes to Yuta. But it's wrong, it's all wrong. Yuta doesn't love him, and Taeyong knows this beyond a doubt because he's never felt anything of that kind coming from Yuta when he's around. So that had to end. It was more painful than any other heartbreak he'd ever experienced, and it was tearing him apart. Taeyong can't spend all his time and energy obsessing, pining and hurting over a boy who doesn't love him back. He needs to think less about Yuta.

But if he starts thinking about Yuta, he can't stop. And so the only solution he found was to never let himself think about Yuta at all.

So this is Taeyong's fault. He didn't know Yuta was unwell, because he purposely chose not to find out. Which was all because he's too weak to control his own mind or deal with the pain. He thought he was doing the right thing for himself by pulling away, shutting that part of his heart down and hoping his feelings for Yuta would eventually fade — but that's exactly it. It was the right thing for himself, and not anyone else. He could have done something to help before it was too late, but because of his selfishness, he failed to protect Yuta.

And he hates himself. He really, really hates himself.

Everything is kind of a blur after that. But when the dust settles, they all end up back in their dressing room waiting for another manager to come pick them up. That is, all of them but one.

The rest of the group is pretty shaken up. It's not like none of them have ever fainted before — most of them have, on multiple occasions, since they're constantly mercilessly overworked while deprived of sleep and food on brutal schedules and strict diets — but it's always upsetting when it happens, and this is the first time one of them has collapsed in public. Not only do they have to deal with their own reactions, but they'll inevitably have to deal with the fans' reactions too. And their company's. The SM higher-ups know how bad it makes them look when the strain they put on their idols is made so clear, and are willing to demonstrate that displeasure. It's common knowledge around the SM building that after each time a member of EXO fainted in public, that member and Joonmyun both got a harsh scolding: the member was lashed out at until he promised to "be more careful next time", and Joonmyun was torn to shreds for not being a good enough leader. Taeyong has no doubt that anger will also fall upon him and Yuta now. He feels like he deserves it, but the thought of Yuta being berated for simply not feeling well fills him with anger and hurt.

"Yuta will be okay," Taeyong tries to reassure them. He can sense the worry emanating from all of them, but now there's a bit of skepticism thrown into the mix. "He's probably just exhausted. We've been working a lot lately, and none of us have been sleeping well, so try not to worry too much about it."

"Yeah, okay. I'll just not worry about my hyung getting hauled off to the hospital. Passing out onstage is nothing to be concerned about," Donghyuck says sarcastically. Normally Taeyong would chastise him for being so disrespectful, but he lets it slide this time. They're all upset, and he can see how his attempt at comforting them might have come off as trivializing the situation.

"You're right," Taeyong concedes. "It's okay to be worried. But don't let your mind go to worst case scenarios. This isn't too unusual, and we can't really determine anything until we hear back from our manager."

"Not too unusual, except for the fact that we usually wake up before someone has to hospitalize us," Doyoung mutters.

"He might have woken up by now," Taeyong tries, but he just gets that same skepticism and looks to match it. It's pretty clear he's just making everything worse, so he gives up. He retreats to a corner of the room and sits down there, slumping in discouragement at the wave of frustration he picks up on. They're frustrated at him for not being good enough to help them, and for running away after that failure. It's painful. More accurately, this whole day has been painful. He finds himself fighting back tears.

"Are you okay?" Taeyong finally hears. It takes him a moment to realise it's addressed to him. In that moment of delayed processing time, Johnny sits down beside him.

Taeyong looks up at him with eyes drained of all energy and probably filled with obvious worry and hurt. "I'm fine." Johnny gives him the very familiar calling-your-bullshit look he always does when Taeyong is trying to pretend he's not incredibly transparent, and Taeyong surrenders. "Okay, not really."

"Yeah, it's a lot," Johnny says sympathetically. He rubs Taeyong's back, and Taeyong lets out a quiet dispirited sigh. "I know it's hard to be the one people rely on. And I know it's hard to see any of the guys suffer. It must be extra hard for you because it's Yuta."

"What?" Taeyong looks back up from his lap a little too quickly. He's about to ask what do you mean by that, but then Johnny points out Mark, who's clearly experiencing an anxiety overload and has just gotten up from the sofa and started pacing.

"You might want to go take care of that."

Johnny's right. Taeyong is 127's leader, and he needs to start acting like it again, not letting himself get torn down by negative emotions or caught up in trying to figure out exactly what Johnny knows (or thinks he knows). He briefly leans on Johnny in something intended to convey the idea of a hug, then finally gets up from the floor.

Taeyong goes over to Mark and puts an arm around him, halting the frantic pacing. "Let's sit down and you can talk to me," he says in a gentle voice, guiding Mark back to the sofa. Taeil gets up to make room for him to sit next to Mark, and Taeyong sends him a grateful smile. He sits Mark down, keeping his arm around him, and gets Mark to meet his eyes. "How are the lyrics you've been working on?" he asks, trying to offer a distraction since Mark's breathing is still a little too fast. "Did you get past that line you got stuck on? The one where you couldn't find the right word?"

Gradually he gets Mark talking, and the others begin to join in. They're all clearly trying way too hard to act like everything is normal, and the whole conversation seems forced and artificial, but they're trying. For each other's sake, and for Mark's. Mark has cuddled up closer to him, and the feeling of Mark in his arms steadies him both physically and emotionally. So he sits back, holds Mark, and lets everyone else bring some of the life back into the room.

It gets their minds off Yuta at least a little bit, enough to keep moving forward. And it helps Taeyong to keep from getting tangled up all in those thoughts. It's not much, but it's enough for now.

The others drift back to their rooms when they get home, needing space to decompress and try to calm their nerves after the insanity of the day they've had. They seem to have used up their ability to feign normalcy during that forced conversation in the dressing room, all of them could probably use a nap anyway. Taeyong, however, finds himself sitting on the sofa with his knees drawn up to his chest. He doesn't want his roommate Taeil to feel obligated to try to cheer him up, and he's too on edge to deal with any kind of interaction. He also needs to be easily accessible in case anything happens, or anyone needs him. He feels scared and sick and very small, and can't even imagine trying to relax at the moment. He's not going to be able to calm down even the slightest bit until he knows Yuta will be okay.

Because now not being able to feel Yuta is terrifying. He took for granted that he could, if he ever wanted to, return to knowing Yuta's condition in a millisecond. He would trade the world to be able to do that right now, but it's ironic. Just when he figures out how much he really needs that ability, he's being forced by the distance between them not to use it. The last time he shut Yuta out, he didn't know until way too late that Yuta was in danger; this time, he can't shake the horrible feeling that something else awful and unexpected is happening and he won't know until it's too late again.

Taeyong spends a few hours there, racked with anxiety. He can tell no one is sleeping, despite his directions to all of them to at least try, and all kinds of negative emotions are running high throughout the entire dorm. The manager currently with them has been alternating between making her way through their rooms to give them an outlet to talk about everything they need to, and doing a lot of messaging that seems to provide no useful information. But finally she comes to sit beside him on the sofa, finishing typing out a message before putting her phone down in her lap.

"So I heard back from him with a real update, now that we know some things for sure." Taeyong instantly knows she's referring to the manager at the hospital with Yuta. There's no one else he would care about hearing from at this moment in time. "He wants you to come to the hospital. Put Johnny in charge, and I'll take you over there."

Taeyong swallows hard, and realizes his hands are shaking. That order sounds like part of a serious situation. "Is Yuta okay? Is something really wrong?"

"He's going to be fine," she reassures him. Taeyong lets out a long breath of relief that sounds a little too much like a sob. "He's not in good shape, but it's nothing critical. But he woke up for a little while, so we thought that as the leader you should be there for him whenever he wakes up again."

"Okay. Yes. Okay." Taeyong is nodding almost frantically, and he jumps to his feet in a split second despite knowing half his limbs are probably asleep. "I'll go talk to Johnny right now, and he can let everyone else know."

"Text him from the car," she suggests tactfully after Taeyong stumbles over his unresponsive feet and trips in his hurry to get to Johnny's room as fast as possible. She picks up her phone and guides Taeyong toward the door with a hand on his back, pointing out the existence of his shoes when he almost forgets to put them on in his single-minded fixation on getting out the dorm. "And relax a little. It's going to be okay. He's going to be okay."

Things don't sound as okay as she promised when Taeyong gets to the hospital. Aside from the fact that Yuta is apparently capable of waking up and communicating with them, nothing the nurse currently in charge of him tells Taeyong is good news.

"He hasn't been taking care of himself at all," the nurse says, shaking her head a little. "His immune system has basically shut down, so of course when he had the misfortune to cross paths with a flu virus he was hit really hard. Not only did he have a fever of 104°F, he was dehydrated and completely exhausted. He hasn't been eating or sleeping properly for quite a while, and from what I could get out of him, the poor thing has been stressed beyond belief. So honestly, if he hadn't gotten sick now, it was inevitable that his body would have eventually given out on him anyway. Considering how physically and mentally strenuous his job is, I'm surprised it didn't happen a lot sooner."

The guilt crushes Taeyong. He felt horrible enough already, but hearing the specific details and the scale of the issue makes it so much worse. These are exactly the kinds of things he's supposed to catch early on and fix before it becomes this bad. It's his job to make sure everyone is taking care of themselves, and take over that responsibility himself if they're not; usually, he does that job well (maybe too well, if some people who complain about his very caring and loving nagging are to be believed.) It's wrong, so wrong, that he let himself become this negligent toward Yuta. It's not fair that Yuta stopped getting that kind of care just because of how Taeyong feels about him. It's not Yuta's fault Taeyong can't handle his own emotions. He's really such a selfish person.

"I… I didn't know," he says quietly, looking down at the linoleum floor. "That it was so bad. I…"

They stand there in silence for a moment. She clearly doesn't know what to say to him. Any reassurances would just ring hollow. Finally, she indicates the door they're standing outside of and says, "Why don't you go in and see him? I don't know if he's awake right now, but we told him earlier that you might stop by."

"Okay," Taeyong says, and gathers all the strength and bravery he can. He looks up and reaches for the handle, with his heart nearly pounding out of his chest. "Okay."

With no idea at all what he's going to find on the other side, he slowly opens the door.

Yuta looks terrible. They've cleaned off his heavy stage makeup, so the condition he's in is very clear. He's deathly pale aside from his slightly flushed cheeks, his skin looks dull, and there are deep dark circles under his eyes. Taeyong has seen him in a variety of less-than-ideal states, but this is the worst he's ever looked. The contrast with his usual bright face and glowing smile is striking in a very bad way. For a moment, it's like he's looking at a mere shell of his best friend. This is only amplified due to the way there's no feelings or presence coming from Yuta at all. Logically, he knows that means Yuta's asleep, but the combined effect of that emptiness and his appearance is chilling.

Taeyong wants to look away. The sight of Yuta sick and worn-down in a too-big hospital gown and hooked up to an IV is upsetting. But he can't.

He can't believe he missed Yuta looking like this earlier. How could he have? How fully did he block Yuta out of his life that he didn't even catch a glimpse of him slipping into this state? And even more, how did he not consider this a potential result of his plan that, deep down, he knew could easily backfire in a variety of ways? Looking at Yuta like this, it tears him apart that Yuta suffered this much because Taeyong abandoned him. He struggles not to let the self-loathing drive him to run away from the sight in front of him, and places himself in a chair set next to the bed.

Taeyong feels a small flicker of consciousness, and then Yuta stirs. He doesn't open his eyes yet, but he's awake. Taeyong's heart leaps. It takes him a second to realize he should probably block out Yuta's feelings again, because suddenly he's tired and dizzy and cold and ill and every part of him aches horribly. He almost falls off his chair before he can put the mental block up, but luckily gets it back in place before he totally loses his ability to stay upright and faceplants onto the floor. Once he does, he's perfectly fine — that is, except for the heartache caused by knowing that was only a percentage of what Yuta feels.

Taeyong can't keep himself from rushing over and taking Yuta's hand in his. Luckily, he's on the side not connected to the IV. "Yuta, it's me. Taeyong. I'm here," he says softly. For a second Yuta tries to lift his head, but Taeyong very gently guides it back down onto the pillow. Yuta lets out a little sigh. "You shouldn't try to move yet. You don't have to open your eyes either. Just rest, and I promise I'll stay with you."

They sit in silence for a moment before Taeyong remembers what he felt earlier. "Are you cold?" he asks. Yuta nods weakly, but the question was more to offer an explanation for why Taeyong's about to let go of his hand. Taeyong gets up to retrieve the extra blanket folded at the foot of the bed and drapes it over him as carefully as possible, making sure not to disturb the IV as he pulls the top of it under Yuta's arms and up to his chest. When he's done, he straightens it up and tucks Yuta in a little. Yuta's begun shivering slightly despite the extra blanket, and Taeyong frowns. He must still be pretty feverish. But there's not much more he can do, so he takes Yuta's hand again and rubs his thumb over the back of it. Despite his fever, Yuta's hand is freezing.

"I know you're not feeling well right now, but I'm so glad to see you awake," Taeyong says, keeping his voice quiet and comforting. "I'm sorry you feel like this. But our managers told me you're going to recover well, and you should be feeling better within a few days. So I know it's awful right now, but it will be over soon."

Yuta nods slightly, and then his hand turns and his fingers push against Taeyong's. At first Taeyong thinks Yuta's trying to shove him away, but then he realizes Yuta's trying to hold his hand more tightly. His heart melts, and he feels the same. He wants to hold Yuta more closely too, any way he can. He laces his fingers with Yuta's, and a little smile comes to his face when Yuta makes a soft noise of content.

"Everyone sends their well wishes," Taeyong says, when he lets the mental block down just the tiniest bit to check in on Yuta and experiences a vulnerability and loneliness that makes him understand Yuta wants Taeyong to keep talking to him, to keep reminding him he's there and caring for him. "You can backtrack the group chat later. They spammed it with so many messages for you that the notifications almost drained my phone battery. Jaehyun's also cooked some food for me to bring you as soon as you're allowed to have it. Don't worry, they know they have strict orders not to eat it, and if anyone does, I'll make sure the culprit regrets it forever."

This time, Yuta gives him a tiny smile. It fills him with such a strong wave of affection it catches him off-guard.

But he doesn't deserve it.

"I should have been taking care of you," Taeyong says quietly. "I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. I promise that in the future I'll always be there for you, whenever you need me. Always."

Yuta nods, with a slightly bigger smile. Taeyong reaches out with his free hand to stroke his hair, and it brings him incredible happiness when Yuta makes a pleased noise and leans into the touch. It reminds him of how he used to cuddle Yuta all the time, back before all this started and he could let himself be around Yuta without any pain or barriers. And it reminds him of how close they used to be, even further back. He used to be Yuta's translator, his confidant, his go-to person whenever he had a problem or needed a situation straightened out or just wanted a hug. It was the natural course of things that he eventually came to depend on Taeyong less as his Korean got better, he branched out more, made more friends, and overall became more self-sufficient. And it was also the natural course of things that as Taeyong gained more responsibilities, began leading more groups, and had more people fall under his care, he couldn't give Yuta the same amount of attention anymore. And, of course, Taeyong's feelings for him got stronger and stronger until he finally reached the breaking point that nearly cut the bond between them off entirely. He remembers how simple things were back then, before time ran its inevitable course and he did his own form of damage. Taeyong misses that simplicity so much.

"Is there anything else I can do for you?" Taeyong asks, since he still feels a little helpless here. He wants to take all Yuta's pain away, and he wishes he could simply heal Yuta himself, but he can't. Without those abilities, he doesn't know what he can actually do to make him feel better.

"Stay," Yuta murmurs. It's the first thing he's said since Taeyong's gotten here. Taeyong's heart aches.

"I'll stay as long as you want," Taeyong promises, and holds his hand a little tighter. I'll stay forever.

Taeyong only allows himself to be removed from Yuta's side when visiting hours end. He doesn't want to leave. He worries himself sick about Yuta all night. Now that Yuta's again too far away for Taeyong to check in on his feelings, he gets that same fear that Yuta will take a turn for the worse and he won't know. He had to answer a million questions from the others as soon as he got home, often the same question five times, and it took him forever to get all of them to go to bed. He's so tired from everything that's happened in the past 21 hours, but he still finds himself awake and making tea at 3 AM. He returns to the same spot on the sofa where he was several hours ago, and gets a strong sense of deja vu.

Johnny stumbles across him a half hour later after getting up to go into the bathroom. He must be tired as well, but he makes his way into the living room to sit next to Taeyong anyway. "What are you doing up?"

"I can't stop worrying," Taeyong admits. "And… I can't stop feeling guilty. For not noticing."

"Ah." Johnny puts an arm around him, and Taeyong melts into the hug. Johnny is so much bigger than him, both physically and mentally strong, and it feels good to lean on him for support. It's comforting to be held by anyone at all. Johnny is projecting comfort and sympathy, and it's like a warm blanket around his bruised emotions. Before he knows what's happening, Taeyong finds himself crawling into Johnny's lap and sobbing into his shoulder. Johnny keeps an arm around his waist to steady him and softly rubs his back as Taeyong cries his eyes out. All day he's been trying to be strong for everyone, but he's so stressed and worried and exhausted and guilty that he can't keep from finally breaking down. "It's okay. I know this is hard for you. It's going to be okay," Johnny murmurs as he lets Taeyong cry on him.

"It's just, it's, it's my fault," Taeyong chokes out between gasping sobs. "I didn't notice and he was so sick for a long time but I just ignored him, and, and — I could have done something but I didn't and I'm horrible. I'm a horrible person."

"No, shh, don't think like that," Johnny soothes. "It's not your fault. You can't control everything other people do, no matter how hard you try. You always take too much blame onto yourself. I mean, none of us noticed how sick he was getting either, and we have less to worry about than you. You're only one person, with so many responsibilities and so many people to keep up with. Of course some stuff is going to slip through the cracks, and, yeah, it's not great, but it happens. Don't beat yourself up. You weren't ignoring him on purpose —"

"But I was!" Taeyong cries. The shame and guilt is so unbearable he feels sick to his stomach, and it's made even worse by the absolute understanding and care Johnny is currently feeling toward him. He knows Johnny will judge him once he hears what he did, but he can't let Johnny go on reassuring him under false pretenses, and he needs to get the ugly truth out because it's eating him up inside. "I was purposely ignoring him. Because I can't be around him, I can't think about him without — Johnny, I'm in love with him." Taeyong sniffles, struggling to regain enough breath to continue. "It's horrible and selfish but I'm in love with him, and I couldn't stop thinking about him all the time, but every time I talked to him or thought about him it hurt too much. And I couldn't deal with it anymore, so I just… stopped. I thought maybe if I spent some time away from him, if I pulled away and shut him out, then this would become manageable until eventually my feelings for him faded away. I assumed he'd be fine on his own, but I was wrong. So this really is my fault. Don't think it's not."

Taeyong breaks down into helpless sobs again. He expects Johnny to shove him away and agree that Taeyong is a bad person and leave now that he knows Taeyong doesn't deserve his sympathy. He expects to sense disgust or repulsion or judgment thrown at him. But that's not what happens at all. Johnny keeps holding him, and all he feels is a slight sadness. "I knew you felt that way about him, but I didn't know it was this bad," Johnny says. "I didn't know it was hurting you this much."

"What?" Taeyong's blood runs cold. He sits back to look into Johnny's eyes, and when he sees the certainty there, every muscle in his body freezes up. "You knew?"

"Uh, yeah." Johnny laughs. "You looked at him like he'd just given you the whole world, and you treated him with this tenderness that… yeah, I knew. Don't worry, I know I'm making it sound really dramatic, but it was actually pretty subtle. I don't think the rest of the guys could tell, but I know you well enough that it was obvious to me."

"Oh god," Taeyong groans. "Do you think he could tell?"

"I can't answer that," Johnny replies. "Only he knows the answer to that. He never said anything to me. But if it helps… he's been acting a little different lately. Since you stopped paying as much attention to him. And I know these past few days it was probably because of how sick he was, but I mean before that. Like, I caught him pouting a few times when you were hugging or spending a lot of time with other people. So… make of that what you will."

Taeyong's heart jumps violently and suddenly everything around him feels a little unsteady, even with Johnny holding him. But no, he shouldn't, he can't even let himself consider the possibility that —

"Okay, it's time to get you in bed," Johnny says. "You've had a rough day, and I have a feeling tomorrow's not going to be easy either. So let's get you some rest." He adjusts his hold on Taeyong so that he can carry him properly, and then stands up from the sofa. Taeyong squirms and protests a bit, especially because Johnny is extremely tall and being unexpectedly scooped up by him is always kind of alarming, but Johnny just laughs. "Nope. You're sleeping. You're not worrying or blaming yourself or obsessing about anything. And you're not hating yourself, because you are not a terrible person. You're a person with the weight of the world on your shoulders in a difficult situation that, honestly, a lot of people wouldn't handle perfectly either. So you are letting that go. You're closing your eyes, clearing your mind, and dealing with all of this shit tomorrow. Deal?"

"Deal," Taeyong says reluctantly, and blinks away a few more tears as he clings to Johnny and lets himself be carried off to bed. These tears aren't sad ones.

He really is exhausted. He's still not certain he'll be able to sleep, but as soon as Johnny sets him down on his bed, he can barely crawl under the covers before he's out cold. Johnny's right. He needs to rest to deal with whatever tomorrow holds. Because right now, he has no idea what that will be.

Taeyong shows up at the beginning of visiting hours the next morning to find that Yuta is already awake and feeling a bit stronger than the day before. He's still frail and drained of energy and looking like death warmed over, and hasn't been detached from the IV yet, but he can open his eyes and sit up when Taeyong enters the room. The nurse told Taeyong that his fever has gone down a bit and he was able to eat a little on his own earlier, and it's a huge relief. Any good news at this point is.

In light of the situation, Taeyong has been given today and tomorrow off. Thankfully they didn't have any group public appearances scheduled for either day, so he could make a convincing case for maximizing his time with Yuta. He might have made a lot of assumptions and overstated Yuta's need for his long-term presence, but it worked.

Taeyong is worried about what he'll find when he checks in on Yuta's feelings, but there definitely has been an improvement. His mind is less foggy, his body and head are aching less severely, and he still feels pretty ill but it's not overwhelming like it was before. Taeyong is grateful for that. He puts the block back up before closing the door behind him and approaching the bed, because there's no way in hell he wants to keep feeling like that for any longer than necessary.

"Hi," Taeyong greets Yuta a little shyly. "You don't mind if I visit for a while, right?"

A tired and subdued version of his usual glowing smile comes onto Yuta's face. "Of course not. You can stay for more than a while if you want to."

"I do want to," Taeyong admits. Yuta was cold again, so without bothering to check, he unfolds the extra blanket and lays it over him. This time, Yuta doesn't shiver.

"Thanks," Yuta says, and pouts. "It's freezing in here."

"You still have a bit of a fever," Taeyong replies. He begins to pull a chair over to sit down in, but Yuta interrupts.

"No, sit here," Yuta says, patting the edge of the bed.

"Am I allowed to?" Taeyong asks.

"I think so," Yuta answers. "I don't know. But either way, I want you to, so you should."

Yuta laughs, and he's cute. So cute. Taeyong can't refuse him anything, so he sits down next to him without any further questions. Yuta's hair is a tousled mess, so Taeyong combs it into a slightly more presentable state with his fingers. Yuta closes his eyes and makes a noise of contentment. "You like that, don't you?" Taeyong says with a small laugh. Yuta nods, so Taeyong continues to pet him even after his hair is straightened up. "The nurse told me you're feeling a little better today."

"A little," Yuta replies. "I don't feel like I've been hit by a truck anymore. Just a car."

Taeyong laughs again. Somehow Yuta can always lighten his mood, even in situations like this. "The manager had to get back to the others, but he's going to stop by a little later to bring you the food Jaehyun made you since you'll be allowed to have it later today. No one's eaten it yet, so that's a miracle."

"Amazing. You guys can actually be nice sometimes," Yuta says jokingly, but he sounds genuinely touched. He reaches out to hug Taeyong with the arm that doesn't currently have a needle stuck into it, and Taeyong very carefully returns the hug. "I haven't been hungry since I've woken up, though. They still made me eat this morning." Yuta makes a face.

"I'm going to do that as well, sorry," Taeyong replies. "You need to get your strength back up. But I'm assuming you didn't give them too much trouble about it earlier, so they'll probably leave you alone for a few hours."

"See, I can behave too." Yuta gives him an innocent smile. "How long can you stay?"

"I convinced them to give me the whole day off," Taeyong says with a sly grin. "I convinced them that you really needed me."

"I do need you," Yuta says with complete sincerity, looking right into Taeyong's eyes. It makes his heart flutter so violently he's almost afraid Yuta can hear his heartbeat stuttering. "I'm also very, very bored. None of you remembered to bring my phone, so I've been stuck staring at the ceiling. And guess what, there is nothing interesting up there. Therefore, I'm going to expect you to make up for this oversight by staying here and talking to me all day."

"I can do that." Taeyong cups Yuta's cheek in his palm and runs his thumb over one of Yuta's cheekbones, taking a moment to examine him. Even in this condition Yuta is unbelievably beautiful, and Taeyong could look at him forever. Could be with him, or just around him, forever. "I would love to do that."

Taeyong is still smiling when he gets home. He spent ten hours talking to Yuta, hanging out with him, spending time together like they used to. It was nice. Everything felt normal, like the rift in their relationship for these past two weeks had never happened. And when he's not trying so hard to ignore Yuta's existence or to shut them down, his pesky feelings don't seem like an imposition or a distraction. Instead, they just make every second spent around Yuta better and brighter. They leave the world feeling like a warmer and more vivid place.

It amazes him how much time they can spend together without a single awkward silence. It also amazes him that no matter how long they're together, Yuta never gets tired of him. They just click in a way that makes the conversation flow easily and the breaks in it still feel comfortable. Today the breaks involved Yuta sleeping a little more than usual, but that was fine too. He eventually coaxed Taeyong into his bed to be used as a pillow to nap on, and it made Taeyong's heart ache to sit there holding Yuta and looking down at his peaceful face and knowing he can't have him, but at the same time it was everything he's been wanting for so long. The sunshine smile Yuta gave him when he woke up and found Taeyong still there made all the pain worth it. He would be willing to endure it a hundred times over just for that smile.

Taeyong walks in the door, however, to find everyone sitting in the living room waiting for him.

"How is Yuta?" Johnny asks, after shushing the clamor of questions that arises from the other members all at once.

"He's okay," Taeyong says. "Still not feeling great, but much better than yesterday."

"Why can't we visit?" Donghyuck whines. "I want to see Yuta hyung."

"Yeah, this isn't fair," Doyoung protests. "I mean, I don't really want to see him, but it's the principle of the thing."

Taeyong laughs. "You two can't visit because you'll raise his blood pressure too much."

"What about me?" Taeil asks. "I'm calm and nice, and objectively enjoyable to be around."

"Me too," Jaehyun asks. "And I'm not Donghyuck or Doyoung hyung."

"You two can't visit because then everyone else will want to," Taeyong reasons.

"It's better if he doesn't have to deal with too much activity right now anyway," Johnny concurs. "Let's be honest, no group of two or more of you is capable of being quiet. Let's just leave this to Taeyong and allow him to nag Yuta in peace."

"Well, bring him this," Doyoung says, holding out a card that's clearly handmade. "We worked hard on it, so if our efforts are wasted, I will not be happy. He better appreciate it, too."

Taeyong takes the card and looks the cover over. They must have somehow enlisted the services of Renjun, because the drawing on the front is actually very good. He opens it and sees they've all written very sweet messages… with the exception of Doyoung, who has written I'm really enjoying my time without you but come home anyway because if you die they might make me room with Donghyuck again. He does his best to muffle a laugh. "Oh, Doyoung... you're really worried about him, aren't you."

"No!" Doyoung protests, much too quickly. "I don't miss him at all. If it was up to me I'd leave him in the hospital forever."

Everyone laughs at that. Taeyong smiles down at the card, and the scrawled notes and small sketches blur as his eyes fill with tears. "I'll make sure he gets it."

"Aww, Taeyong is crying," Taeil coos.

"It's really thoughtful!" Taeyong sniffles, trying to wipe the tears away before they can escape. "It's just, you all care so much and it's such a nice thing to do for him and it will make him so happy. He's been having such a hard time and it will mean a lot to make him feel loved."

"Okay, group hug," Johnny announces, and they all gather around Taeyong and squish him in an enthusiastic hug as Taeyong continues to sniffle in happiness. He manages to clutch the card tightly to his chest just in time to keep it from ending up a crumpled mess. He can feel all of their caring and well wishes and hope and optimism, and he lets the tears spill over. They're going to be okay. They're all going to be okay. And so are him and Yuta.

They let Yuta go home at the end of the next day, after doing an extensive examination. Yuta tries his best to be patient throughout the long list of questions they ask him, but still ends up sighing in aggrievance and shooting Taeyong amusingly despairing looks as they prod him and poke him with more sharp things. Taeyong has to struggle not to laugh. Finally, however, they clear him to leave. Taeyong brought him a set of clothes to change into, and Yuta is just as happy to get out of that hospital gown as Taeyong figured he would be.

"These aren't my clothes," Yuta says as he looks himself over. "These are Doyoung's."

"Oh. Everything gets all mixed up in your room," Taeyong says sheepishly. "Well, he can't get mad at you for stealing his clothes again. You just got out of the hospital."

"You stole them," Yuta corrects.

Taeyong, being the neat freak he is, can't resist the urge to fold the hospital gown and spare blanket and make the bed. He's surprised to find Yuta watching him with amusement and fondness. "Sorry. I didn't know what a mess your clothing storage system is or I would have stayed on the safe side and brought you some of mine."

"I would look good in your clothes," Yuta says with a mischievous grin, and Taeyong almost melts at the mental images that brings up. "Probably too good. After seeing how much better I look in them, you would never want them back."

"Don't be rude," Taeyong says, and smacks Yuta's arm with the absolute least force he can muster.

"I'm kidding. You're gorgeous," Yuta tells him, and Taeyong tries his best to stop blushing for several long moments. Yuta has that same amused look on his face as he watches Taeyong try to regain his composure. When Taeyong finally manages to return to his usual complexion, Yuta leans in close and reiterates, "Really gorgeous."

He's absolutely doing this on purpose, Taeyong thinks. And it's embarrassing how long it takes him to stop blushing this time, but he finds he doesn't mind.

Yuta might be well enough to be discharged from the hospital, but he's still not fully recovered. He hasn't gotten all of his strength back, and he's a little off-balance from being trapped in bed for the majority of the past few days. But Yuta's so eager to finally escape this place that the manager reluctantly allows him and Taeyong to head out to the car by themselves while he finishes talking to the nurses about how to care for Yuta over the next few days, the instructions for the medicine he has to take, and how often he should be scolded to take better care of himself (the answer is at least twice a day.) Taeyong helps Yuta to the car with an arm around his waist, and he can see how hard Yuta's trying not to worry him by leaning on him too heavily. Or maybe Yuta's just trying to salvage some of his pride. Either way, they make it there, and Yuta drapes himself over Taeyong while Taeyong unlocks the car.

"What would I do without you?" Yuta asks with a teasing flutter of his eyelashes, and it hits a little too close to home, but Taeyong rolls his eyes anyway. He knows that's the response Yuta wants.

Once they're both in the car, Yuta immediately cuddles up to him. Now that Yuta's not feeling terrible enough to put Taeyong in a lot more misery than he'd like to be in, he drops the mental block. The feelings of warmth and comfort and belonging and pure happiness that flood into him temporarily overwhelm him. The thought that it's him making Yuta feel this way almost brings tears to his eyes for what feels like the millionth time since this whole emotional roller coaster started. He wraps his arms tightly around Yuta and lets him snuggle to his heart's content. On a whim, he presses a kiss to the top of Yuta's head. Yuta lifts it and looks up at Taeyong with a smile, so Taeyong kisses him on the forehead. Yuta positively glows, overflowing with joy. So he does it again.

Taeyong is not prepared at all for Yuta to respond by giving him a quick kiss on the lips.

Before his brain can even fully process what's happening, Taeyong presses his lips to Yuta's again for a much longer kiss. Yuta leans into it, reciprocating with a passion that makes Taeyong's head spin. When he finally breaks the kiss, Yuta immediately pulls him back in for another one. Taeyong's hand comes up to rest on Yuta's cheek as he deepens it further. Kissing Yuta is incredible. It feels amazing. Taeyong is filled with both of their desire, both of their enjoyment, both of their bliss, and it's so much more intense than he expected. Somehow, during all the time he's been thinking about how much he wanted this, he never considered how potent his empathic power would make it. So it's everything he's been longing for and more. Right here, right now, everything is perfect.

"I like you. A lot," Yuta says when they finally pull apart. "In case it wasn't clear."

"I've liked you for a long time," Taeyong admits.

Yuta kisses him again, and Taeyong loses himself in their feelings. He's not sure how long it lasts, but when it eventually ends, he wraps his arms around Yuta and holds him close. Their breathing syncs up after a few seconds, and Taeyong basks in both of their happiness.

But something is still bothering him. Reluctantly, he lets go of Yuta so he can look him in the eyes. "When did you start liking me?" Taeyong asks. Because if it had been a while ago, he would have known. So he has a vague idea of when Yuta's feelings must have developed, but he wants to know exactly where along the line they grew into this.

"Well…" Yuta smiles sheepishly. "It's going to sound kind of stupid. But I started liking you about… two weeks ago, I think? When we didn't really get to talk to each other anymore. I wanted your attention so much, and I started getting really jealous when I saw other people get it. You know how I am, so once I couldn't have you whenever I wanted, I couldn't stop thinking about you. So I started thinking about how much I missed you and how much I still needed you even after all this time, and when I was remembering everything you've done for me, all the good times we've had together… well, I really fell for you."

Taeyong's mind is kind of blown. So somehow pulling away from Yuta was the best thing he could have done for their potential future relationship. But also the worst thing he could have done for their existing one at the time. It's a really strange juxtaposition, and he's still not sure how to sort it out. Even more, he can't believe Yuta was reciprocating his feelings the whole time he was doing everything in his power to get rid of them. In a way, maybe it was incredibly lucky this happened. He could have eventually dispelled those feelings without ever knowing he had a chance with Yuta, missing his opportunity and leaving Yuta to be the sad lovesick one. That would have been an unbelievably cruel twist of fate.

Yuta reaches down and takes his hand, tangling their fingers together. "When I realized how much I wanted you back, I saw how much I've always wanted you with me. And then I knew I wanted us to be together. So I'm going to assume that now we are."

"I wish it had been this easy for me," Taeyong teases him. "You've only been pining over me for two weeks. I've been pining over you for years."

Yuta's eyes widen. "You have?"

"I think I've kind of liked you as long as I've known you," Taeyong confesses. "I don't know if it was love at first or if it just grew into it over time, but either way, it kept growing until I loved you so much that, honestly, it hurt me. I could tell you didn't feel the same way about me, and it got so painful that I didn't want to deal with it anymore. I was ready to give up on you, but…"

Yuta cuts him off by pulling him into another kiss. This time it's more tender, filled with comfort and reassurance. Yuta is experiencing a wave of gratitude when he says, "I'm so glad you didn't give up on me."

"You have yourself to thank for that," Taeyong replies. "For being irresponsible and not taking care of yourself. If this hadn't happened, I really would have given up on you forever."

"Okay, so maybe you had to be lovesick for years to get us together, but I had to be literally deathly ill for days. I was put in the hospital for this to happen. I think I've suffered enough to be worthy of your love," Yuta proclaims dramatically.

"Stop. You were not dying." Taeyong rolls his eyes again, giving Yuta a very light smack on the hand. "But, yes, okay. You have earned your happily ever after."

"It better be ever after. I'm very dramatic during breakups."

Taeyong lets Yuta snuggle up close to him again, just enjoying their closeness. He doesn't want to dampen their good mood, but finally he has to, because he can't shake off something else that's really been bothering him. It's been haunting him ever since the first time he talked to the nurse. "Why weren't you taking care of yourself? How did you even get in such terrible shape? And why didn't you tell any of us you weren't feeling well?"

Yuta wilts. "You were right. I was being irresponsible. It wasn't on purpose, though. We were working so much, so I kept forgetting to eat and for some reason I couldn't sleep even when we actually got a chance to. When I got sick, I thought I was still okay. We had so many important schedules and practices that I couldn't afford to miss any of them, and I figured it would just go away, so I didn't think I needed to say anything. And then… everything after that was just a fog where I didn't totally understand everything happening, so I'm not surprised I didn't remember things like, um, drinking water and staying alive."

Taeyong makes a noise of despair. Just thinking about this, even knowing Yuta is okay now, is making him unbearably anxious. "The nurse also said you were really stressed."

"I was." Yuta looks down at his lap, dejected. "We were working so much with no chance to rest, and being pushed so hard to be perfect during every single moment of it. It got even harder to deal with once I wasn't in a good physical state. And… I guess I was kind of lonely."

"Oh." Taeyong feels like he's been stabbed in the heart. "Was that because of me?"

"It wasn't you. It was… kind of everyone," Yuta replies. "Doyoung stopped hanging out with me because all we did anymore was fight. And Sicheng is so popular that he was always with other people. Everyone else was busy or distracted by something or someone, and we were so focused on work that no one was paying attention to me. And you know I need attention. I'm like a plant. I wither without it." Despite his briefly joking tone, he hesitates for a moment before adding a little more sadly, "Okay, it was you too. I missed you so much. At first it seemed like you just didn't have time for me, but then I started wondering if I did something to push you away. It was driving me crazy trying to figure it out. I told myself I was just being paranoid because obviously other people needed you and it wasn't about me, but I couldn't stop feeling like it was, and… well, then I fell in love with you. So I just missed you even more."

"I'm so sorry." Taeyong pulls Yuta into a tight hug and holds him close, closing his eyes to try to keep the tears out of them. He focuses on the rhythm of Yuta's breathing, the way he can ever so slightly feel his heartbeat. "You didn't do anything. You didn't push me away. I should have been there for you, and I'm so, so sorry that I wasn't. I promise that will never happen again. I'll make sure you never have to be lonely, and that someone is always taking care of you."

"Okay." Yuta's voice is a little shaky, like maybe he's trying not to cry too. Taeyong can feel his relief and catharsis and gratitude, and the weight that's been lifted off him now that he knows he wasn't the reason for this. He cradles Yuta in his arms, whispering reassurances to him until those feelings become contentment and security.

By the time their manager enters the car, Yuta is calm and sleepy. The emotional intensity of all this clearly took a lot out of him in his still fragile state. He curls up in Taeyong's hold, yawns, and dozes off on him as, at long last, they go home for good.

And it's wonderful. Everything is out in the open now. There are no more secrets and no more disconnects. Taeyong doesn't have to hide from those feelings anymore, or push them away, or do everything he can to get rid of them even if it means pulling away from Yuta. Or shutting him out. Or losing him. Now that he knows it's okay, all of this is okay, he can just let things be how they are. And how they are now is very good. Having Yuta finally be his, after all these years of waiting and wanting and wishing, is so good.

He lets the block stay down.

It's been one week. One amazing week since Taeyong and Yuta got together. It feels like his world is complete, like a piece of him is no longer missing, now that he can feel Yuta's emotions again. Even just a random passing flicker of happiness or confusion or sadness or excitement makes him feel like there's another layer to his soul that has been filled in.

On this particular day, Taeyong walks by Yuta's room and feels a whole jumbled array of things: sleepiness, slight loneliness, boredom, and hunger. It's a very typical Yuta combination. He can't help but smile. He heads to the kitchen, fixes a snack, and then comes back to knock on Yuta's door.

"Come in," Yuta calls out. Then, "Unless you're Doyoung. If you are, I'm still kind of mad at you."

Taeyong lets out a quiet laugh. "No, I'm Taeyong."

"Okay, then definitely come in."

Taeyong lets himself into the room. Yuta is flopped on his bed scrolling aimlessly on his phone, but he looks up when Taeyong enters. The beautiful smile that comes over his face leaves Taeyong feeling a little dazed. "I brought you a snack," he says, indicating the bowl in his hand. "I thought you might be hungry."

"I was," Yuta says, looking a bit surprised.

"I also thought you might want to cuddle with me?"

"I always do," Yuta agrees, but then furrows his brow. "But… I was actually just thinking about that."

"That's funny," Taeyong says. Yuta is feeling the desire to cuddle a little more than the desire to eat, so he puts the bowl down on the bedside table and crawls onto the bed beside Yuta. Yuta immediately attaches himself to him, making a little noise of happiness that matches the feeling that fills Taeyong as soon as he does.

"How are you so perfect?" Yuta asks, nuzzling into his neck. "I don't know how, but you always know exactly what I want."

"I think it's because I'm really in tune with you," Taeyong says, and wraps his arms around him. "If I pay attention, I can tell how you're feeling at any given moment. Almost like… an empathic power."

"I can't think of anything better than someone who always knows what I need," Yuta says. "And I'm really needy. So an empath would be the perfect partner for me."

He can't think of anything better than strange alien Taeyong, the weird aberration, specifically the thing that made him a freak in many people's eyes — sometimes including his own. The thing that pushed them apart, and then brought them together. The thing that almost ruined them, and then saved them. The thing that made Taeyong wrong for a lot of people has somehow made him perfect for Yuta. It's funny how things in life come full circle.

"I can't think of anything better than you," Taeyong says, because sometimes he's cliche and sappy but that's another thing Yuta wants. Yuta gives him a glowing smile and then kisses him again. When their lips meet Taeyong feels something amazing coming from Yuta, something he's no longer blocking out.

"What am I feeling right now?" Yuta asks playfully, looking into his eyes.

"Love," Taeyong says, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as Yuta's combines with his own.