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"Dr. Lecter". Hannibal turned and was greeted by Jack Crawford walking towards him down the hallway of the FBI headquarters.
"Ah, Jack", he replied. "How are you?"
"Well", his voice suddenly lowering in order to for go eavesdroppers. "Listen, Bella needs some more of that...uh...alternative medicine. Do you think you could help her out?"
"Certainly Jack", Hannibal smiled. "Just stop over when you're finished here".
"Thanks, Doctor".
As Hannibal arrived home and began to settle in for the evening, he heard a knock on his door.
"It must be Jack", Hannibal thought to himself. Grabbing the stash he set aside for Jack, he strolled to the door.
"Jack, you arrived much earlier than I exp--", but he stopped when he realized Agent Crawford was not the person standing in front of him.
"Dr. Lecter, is...that marijuana?", Will Graham muttered, staring at the baggie in his hand.
Hannibal might be cautious about his cannibalism, but he's certainly not with his weed.
"Ah Will", Hannibal said, playing it cool cause he's fucking Hannibal. "Yes, you're correct. This is indeed the cannabis plant".
"Why exactly do you have that?", asked Will.
"I use it for alternative healing for some of my patients", he replied. "It is believed to have a calming effect on the human mind, helping ease anxiety and stress, though it is not my ideal relaxation technique".
That's fucking bullshit Hannibal, you're always blazin' it.
"I see", Will said, shifting uncomfortably. "I know this is last minute, but I was wondering if we could have dinner together. There are some issues I wanted to address in my therapy”. Hannibal, never wanting to pass up a date with his fine piece of man ass, quickly agreed. As he led him back to the kitchen to begin preparing dinner, he heard his front door open and close.
"Hannibal", Alana's voice rang out through the house. "I was wondering if tonight for dinner we could--", but her voice dropped as she walked into the kitchen and saw Will sitting there. Will was equally as stunned as she walked into the room, because in Alana's right hand was a foot long glass bong.
"What is he doing here?", Alana growled.
"He requested to join us for dinner and I always enjoy having clients for dinner".
Fucking smooth Lecter.
"What am I doing here?", Will snapped. "Why do you have that ?!". He gestured towards the glass in her hand.
"Do you really think I can unwind naturally after a day of dealing with all this crazy shit we see?", she retorted, sneering at him. “We saw someone get hung from hooks, for fuck sakes, Will”. Will was taken aback by her ruthlessness. Meanwhile, Hannibal momentarily contemplated eating her because snapping at people is rude. Then, an idea struck Will.
"Alana, if I start smoking weed will that make you love me again?"
"What?"
"Nothing--Hannibal I think I would like to try adding cannabis into my therapy".
“What an excellent idea”, Hannibal replied. We all know how much he loves getting people high. He took the bong from Alana’s hands and packed it. After lighting it and taking a rip, he handed it off to Alana and turned back to dinner. Alana took a long draw and hesitantly handed it off to Will, keeping her gaze on him firm. Will’s first hits were harsh and burning, kind of like anal.
“Smoking is...rougher than I remember”, he coughed as he placed it on the counter.
“You used to smoke Will?”, Hannibal asked.
“Back in college”, he replied.
“420 blaze it”, said Hannibal. They continued to pass the bong around, while Hannibal prepared their food and Alana helped. After some relatively large hits, they could begin to see Will relax and become more giddy. At one point he picked up a pear and started laughing at it, I don’t know it was weird as fuck. Hannibal had just finished marinating the human steaks when his doorbell rang. Before anyone could stop him, Will jumped out of his chair.
“I”ll get it!”, he exclaimed. Alana and Hannibal exchanged worried glances before Will ran back into the room. “Oh shit, it’s the cops!” He then proceeded to run into the dining room and dive under the table. Jack Crawford appeared after him.
“I mean...technically he’s not wrong”, he said.
“Hello Jack”, smoked Hannibal.
“Ugh, you invited him too?”, Alana asked. “Jesus, Hannibal how many people from the FBI are you fucking?”
“Oh no, Alana, he’s not here for that”, said Hannibal. “He’s here to pick up some medicine for Bella”.
“And from the looks of it, you all have been partaking”. Alana giggled, Hannibal grinned, and Will was still under the table. “Do you mind if I join?”
“Not at all!”, exclaimed Alana as she handed him the bong. Then Will realized they were smoking more without him and got mad and came back into the kitchen.
Several hours later, they were all completely stoned and dinner was ready. Jack, Will and Alana sat in the dining room while Kush King Hannibal brought out their food. They all began stuffing their faces.
“Yo, I am sooooooo hungry”, Jack commented.
“I’m so hungry I could eat like...a person”, Will replied.
“Actually you are!”, Hannibal exclaimed. Everyone stopped and glanced at Hannibal.
“W..what?”, Alana muttered.
“It’s people”, he continued. “The food is people. You’ve been eating people”. Everyone sat there, stunned, unsure of what to say. Finally, Will spoke up.
“So...does this mean we have to stop eating?”.
“Yeah man, does it look like I wanna stop eating?”, Jack added, shoving another forkful of person into his mouth. At that point, everyone was just too fucking high to give a fuck so they just kept eating like the fat, lazy fucks there are.
Suddenly, a flash of light erupted through the room.
“What the fuck?!”, Hannibal exclaimed. They all turned towards the door, where the flash came from. Standing in the doorway was the fucking queen bitch herself, Freddie Lounds holding her camera with a grin on her face.
“I can’t wait to put this on the Tattler website and expose what really goes on in the FBI”, she said to them.
“Fuck off, Freddie”, Alana frowned.
“Yeah quit ruining our fun”, Will whined.
“This is not fun”, Freddie replied. “What you all are doing is going against everything that America stands for”.
“You need to calm the fuck down”, said Bella, who came up behind Freddie and proceeded to punch her in the back of the head.
“Sweetie, what are you doing here??”, exclaimed Jack.
“Here to see where you’ve been with my motherfucking weed bitch”, she said. “And from the looks of it, you’ve been smoking my stash”.
“Bella, we just wanted to partake in some of the effects of TH--”, but Hannibal was cut off as Bella slapped him across the face.
“You know”, said Hannibal. “Normally, I’d slaughter and eat someone who did that. But with you Bella, I can’t”.
“Because I’m here?”, Jack asked.
“No, because I know she’ll kick my ass”.
“You’re damn right I will”, she said. Bella then proceeded to simultaneously kick everyone’s ass and beat cancer all at once. Because she’s Bella fucking Crawford and she doesn’t fuck around.
“Wow honey, now I know never to take your weed ever again”, Jack said.
“You’re right”, Bella replied, rolling a blunt.