Chapter Text
Of course, reality isn’t nearly as sweet as their little cocoon of warmth.
The minutes spent entangled close together in Thor’s bed are merely the calm before the storm, and Loki can feel on his tongue the tension that precedes the crash of thunder even more clearly than the night before, when his brother made the Midgardian sky mourn with him.
There’s a conflict ahead of them, one that promises to be explosive and he is the cause of it. In the past, that would only be one more reason to flee, let things cool down – because, even if his actions may be seen as ambiguous at best in that regard, Loki doesn’t actually have a death wish – without his presence to aggravate the situation, but now he’s trying to do something different, something he hasn’t done for so long that he’s not even sure if he is still capable of it.
He’s trying to keep his word to Thor.
A vow was made between them, among endless rows of unfamiliar stars, after a long overdue hug and before everything turned to ashes once more. A vow to stand together against still faceless foes, to protect Asgard’s last legacy and to rebuild something valuable that was broken and twisted by centuries of lies: both an empire of gold and a relationship that once was as solid as the roots of Yggdrasil itself.
So they dress themselves in silence, occasionally glancing at each other or touching just the tiniest bit longer, trying to prolong the last few moments of unadulterated peace. But eventually there’s really no more excuse to not step out of the room and go face Thor’s companions. The ones who think Loki is dead and that have no reason whatsoever to trust him.
“To battle, then,” Loki says, trying to mask the nervous twist of his stomach at the thought of how many things in the next few minutes could go terribly wrong.
He hasn’t fooled his brother, who puts a hand on his shoulder and, with an incredibly earnest gaze, replies: “Whatever happens, I’m on your side, Loki.”
They’re words he has heard before and he really wishes he could believe them. He knows that voicing his doubts would only postpone the inevitable, so Loki just nods with a weak smile, then he lets Thor exit first, following a couple of steps behind.
When the door slides open, he can already hear the voices of the remaining Avengers and his heartbeat quickens just a little. He’s not afraid of them nor does he need or want their approval in any way, but he’s genuinely concerned about the strain it would put on his and Thor’s healing relationship if they forced his brother to make a choice. He has already been through this one time before and he’s not particularly looking forward to repeat the experience.
They reach the main area, where they find five figures all around a big, round table. The expressions on their faces vary from weariness to frustration, and even in their hushed voices, Loki can hear a hint of repressed fury just waiting for a convenient target.
His presence here is really what the humans would call the perfect storm.
He has the time to notice that three of them are standing close together, discussing something about several files spread out in front of them. He recognizes the Captain and the Widow but he doesn’t remember the dark-skinned man from his first time on Midgard. On two chairs besides one another, there are Bruce and a strange animal that appears to be some sort of rodent.
That’s all he can really observe before they finally lift their heads to greet Thor and, instead, they freeze for one, long second. Then, all Hell breaks loose.
Behind his brother’s protective stance, Loki can categorize their reactions with detached and fascinated curiosity: the most violent is the Captain’s, who immediately draws out his shield – a different one from the blue, red and white he remembers – yelling an aggravated: “What’s going on?” while quickly moving towards them. He has such suspicion in his eyes that Loki can’t help wondering if he believes Thor to be under some sort of spell. Honestly, if that’s the case, he can’t really blame the man.
The Widow is complementing the Captain movements, circling the table on the opposite direction from him and ending up in front of them by the man’s side. She doesn’t speak but he can see her eyes observing them from head to toe, swiftly taking inventory of eventual weapons or advantages they could have in battle. She has undoubtedly already seen that Thor didn’t take Stormbreaker with him. Her stance appears relaxed but she has one hand behind her back, in all likelihood holding a gun, should it be needed for a swift counterattack.
The rat-like person seems alarmed, if that’s even possible, shouting: “What the hell is going on?” even as he retrieves from Norns-know-where a rifle of alien manufacture, taking aim at Loki and his brother.
The other man is tense but hasn’t moved nor spoke and Banner, the only one left in his chair, has a confused frown on his face.
All in all, it could have definitely been worse, since no one has, in fact, shot him on sight. It wasn’t beyond the realms of possibilities when Thor convinced him to work alongside him and his allies.
It’s him, hands up in a placating gesture, who speaks next: “Friends, Loki means no harm to any of you. He’s here to help.”
The Captain scoffs, not dropping the defensive stance, and it’s an ugly sound that seems really out-of-character for him. “Help?! The last thing Earth needs, right now, is your brother’s help.” He spits the word like it’s poisonous, more of a snarl than anything else. “Or did you forget what happened the last time he was here?”
“I didn’t, Steven, how could I? But that was a different Loki!”
The rest of them have apparently decided to leave this particular conversation to their leader because it’s still him that answers: “He seems about the same, to me.” His eyes are cold when they shift from Thor’s gaze to his.
Loki grits his teeth to not reply with one of the hundreds cutting retorts he has on the tip of his tongue – he and his brother have decided together that it’s best for Thor to do the talking – even if it makes him bristle. He gazes back at him, though, and grins. The man’s frown deepens.
“Steven,” Thor calls him, and the Captain reluctantly breaks the stare first. His tone is pleading, now. “I swear to you, Loki has proven his good will. He sacrificed his own life to protect me.”
“Oh, yeah?” Steve replies, sarcastically. “His life? That’s good to hear, but see, he doesn’t give the impression of being very dead right now.”
Thor sighs. “I know, but that doesn’t mean…”
“It means that he tricked you, Thor! He always does, you told us yourself of multiple times he did just that and then betrayed you!”
That’s fair, Loki knows that, but he can’t help to feel the sting of it, imagining his brother narrating tales of treasons to his teammates, most likely while drinking together after a victorious fight. They all surely commiserated with him for having such a vexing, backstabbing double-crosser as a sibling…
Thor’s voice is frustrated as he answers: “I did, but this time it’s different…”
“Sure, after one thousand years of deception, this time is different!” There’s open scorn in the Captain’s tone and Loki can feel Thor’s anger rise. Ignored by the man still too focused on his brother, but acutely aware of the Widow’s gaze on him, Loki reaches with one hand to touch Thor’s back, between his shoulder blades, rubbing the spot just a little. Don’t let him provoke you into a fight, he’s trying to communicate.
Thor relaxes minutely under his fingers and takes a deep breath, before replying: “I understand why you can’t believe that on my word alone. What would you require to give my brother a chance?”
Steve relaxes, too, just a bit. His expression drops, a deep fatigue overtaking the bitterness and rage. “I don’t know if there even is anything, Thor. Especially right now… Things are complicated enough as they are.” He crosses his arms, then, apparently steeling himself for what comes next and Loki feels dread deep in his stomach even before the words are out of the man’s mouth. “He has to go. We don’t trust him and we have already lost enough. I won’t lose anyone else.”
He sees his brother’s shoulders droop in defeat and he nods gravely, saying: “Very well,” before turning his head to lock eyes with Loki.
Suddenly, he’s back on Asgard, not even five hundred years old, waiting in a stinky tavern for judgment from his brother’s friends after a particular cruel prank. He feels himself gulp at their grim, unforgiving expressions, understanding the sentence before Thor even speaks.
He’s much older now and doesn’t have to drop his head to mask the pain and the tears. He can control his demeanor well enough to just grit his teeth against the words he’s sure are about to come out from his brother’s lips; he’ll feel them burn only inside his heart and not on his pale cheeks.
Maybe it’s best if you go for now, Loki. They’ll come around but you can’t blame them for needing a little time. You’ll win back their trust, eventually.
Except Loki never did. And in the end, it was him and Thor that had drifted apart for it, for the chiasm that was opened that day between himself and Sif and the Warriors Three. He wonders, should he flick his eyes in their direction, if he’ll see Fandral instead of Banner or Hogun instead of the Captain.
But his eyes are locked on Thor’s own and he has to refocus on the conversation because Thor is talking, but the words are different from last time. It’s clear he’s still speaking to the Captain, even if he’s looking at Loki.
“In that case, we’ll go and find ourselves a different housing,” he speaks very clearly and plainly, not leaving room for any misunderstanding. “I’m not withdrawing my help in bringing our friends back and defeating Thanos, I want to destroy him as much as you do. But I won’t do it without Loki, that’s out of question, so we’ll figure out another way to collaborate and reach that goal.”
Loki can see the pain those words cause Thor but he can also see his absolute determination and he feels both completely relieved and absolutely devastated. This decision will either be their undoing or make their bond stronger than ever and Loki is not looking forward to find out which one. After all, his track record in these matters is not the most brilliant and it always ends with him defeated, alone and possibly in chains.
Why would Thor risk losing his last friends over it? Over him?
Steve is obviously asking himself a similar question, too stunned to reply. Apparently, it’s as good of an opening as any for the rodent, who declares: “I’ll go with him. No offence, but you guys are not my friends, our only real link is Thor.”
Thor finally stops looking at him – he doesn’t know what he saw in his eyes, but it’s clearly good enough, for now – to nod at the animal, just in time for the Captain to find his words again. “Thor… You would… He’s not… You can’t just…” he splutters, a deep frown on his face. Loki’s not sure if it’s rage or indignation that’s robbing him of his ability to form coherent sentences, but he secretly finds it very amusing.
In the end, Steve sighs deeply in frustration, closing his eyes, and then he says: “I don’t understand, Thor. You can’t leave, we need you now more than ever before! What if we are attacked and don’t have the time to call you?”
Thor resolutely shakes his head. “It’s either this or you let Loki stay. I won’t let him go, Steven, not without me, not again.”
The Captain clenches his fists, going tense all over again, then almost yells: “It wouldn’t work, Thor! We don’t trust him, you can’t ask us that.”
“I’m not asking you to trust him, but trust me,” his brother replies and he has a tone so desperately pleading, he’s practically begging. Begging for him. It’s so strange to see that it leaves something like an itch all over Loki’s skin.
He honestly doesn’t know what else Thor could say if this won’t sway the Captain, either, and he dreads to find out. Luckily for him, Steve hesitates and someone else replies, for the first time since this whole ordeal has started.
He’s shocked to realize that it’s Bruce Banner.
“I do trust Thor,” he repeats with a shrug, in the following silence. He seems uncomfortable with all the attention on himself, but he meets head on Steve’s disbelieving gaze and Thor’s grateful one.
“Me, too,” the rodent chimes in, again. He has long since lowered his weapon and he’s now leaning casually on it. “The guy was willing to get roasted by a star to stop Thanos. He wouldn’t let an enemy in.”
Loki makes a mental note to ask his brother about that, later, while Steve asks: “Bruce? You remember New York, don’t you?” He seems mostly confused by this turn of events.
Banner shrugs again. “Of course I do, Cap, but look… Through Hulk’s eyes, I saw Loki help without getting anything in return for himself. I saw him unable to watch Thor getting hurt. I don’t know what happened after, but I’m pretty sure that, at least as long as his brother is concerned, he’s not the same guy that attacked New York.”
“And that’s supposed to make it okay?! He used to work for Thanos!” The Captain seems just about ready to pull his hair out or punch someone.
Thor chooses that moment to intervene again: “That’s exactly why he can be useful. He has information about him that we don’t, that we can’t know any other way.”
Bruce nods, his eyes still on Steve. “It’s not okay, Steve, but we’re not really in the position of refusing any help, right now.”
The Captain is obviously conflicted now; mistrust plain to see in his expression battling with the words of his friends.
“Natasha?” he sighs after a moment, shaking his head. “What do you think?”
The Widow is still studying Loki closely, hasn’t done anything else since the whole confrontation began. It’s unnerving but he’s never been one to be intimidated, especially not now that they may actually be going somewhere. She seems to find whatever she was searching for because she finally turns towards Steve and says: “He can be an asset. We don’t have to trust him for that.”
Steve is clearly unhappy about this but, being outnumbered, he faces the last man in the room and says: “Colonel Rhodes, in the absence of Tony, the compound is under your responsibility. Can Loki stay?”
Loki has to close his fists at that, itching to tell the human just what he thinks about being spoken of as if he is a stray dog found on the street. He still keeps silent, though, watching as the Colonel frowns, maybe not really sure about where to stand on this. It’s a pretty big decision for someone who wasn’t even there during the New York disaster.
“I trust your judgment, Captain, but I also listened to the others and I believe they made a pretty compelling argument. He can stay.”
They exchange nods and, in the end, Steve refocuses his attention on him. He’s much calmer than before when he asks: “You didn’t say a word. Why?”
Loki finally steps forward, coming side by side with his brother. “I thought that letting Thor speak to his pets could get me what I want more easily” he replies, a slow smirk spreading on his lips. Thor glances at him in silent warning, but the Captain doesn’t seem particularly bothered by that comment; it actually seems to put him more at ease, like he didn’t know what to do with his silence but veiled insults and jibes are more familiar when Loki’s concerned.
“And what is that? What do you want?”
Loki’s smirk assumes an edge of cruelty but his words are pronounced in a soft, almost sweet tone: “I want to see Thanos screaming with despair, thoroughly defeated, and I want him to know that I am behind it, even just partially. I want him to fall; I want to be there when he does, watching and laughing while he struggles to stand back up. And then, when he has had the time to completely feel his failure… I want to look right into his eyes as I kill him, purging the Universe from his miserable and wretched presence.”
The words are chilling, but the sentiment is clearly a shared one because Steve just nods and says: “Good enough,” then, as he starts to go back towards the table, he feels compelled to add: “We still don’t trust you, just to be clear.”
Loki can’t help rolling his eyes at that, replying: “I believe I caught that the first or tenth time you said it during this conversation, but thank you for clarifying once more.”
Thor has the audacity to laugh, even if that wasn’t strictly meant to be a joke, but the tension in the room breaks just a little bit and Loki is grateful for that. “Thank you, friends,” he says with a bright smile, mainly towards the Captain. “I admit I felt troubled at the prospect of leaving the compound.”
Steve nods but his lips remain a stern line. It looks like he doesn’t even remember how to smile and that sobers Thor up quickly, his burst of energy evaporating in the face of his friend’s misery. “How’s the situation?” he asks, putting a hand on the other man’s shoulder. Steve doesn’t relax but he doesn’t shrug it off, either, so Loki thinks he at least appreciates the silent support.
The situation is dire, indeed: the Midgardian population, once more than seven and a half billions of people, is estimated to now be of about three point two billions.
It wasn’t just the snap that did it but the countless effects it had: things like airplanes crashing, trains derailing and massive car accidents; doctors disappearing during surgery; babies left alone and unable to provide for themselves, covered in dust that used to be their parents.
Loki is not completely unsympathetic thinking about all of that destruction. Not long ago, his people – and it still feels uncomfortable to call them that, even in his own mind, like he’s again claiming something that it never was really his – have suffered the same plight and sadly, the few survivors are probably even fewer, now. Disappearances at random work like that: no one is spared by default, not even the ones that have already bore the brunt of Thanos’ “mercy”.
They all keep glancing at him, minus the rodent – now that he’s closer, Loki is pretty sure that it’s a raccoon – and his brother, of course. He doesn’t know what they expect to see: a satisfied smirk? A glint of savage delight in his eyes? Some cruel remark about their insignificant, fragile lives? Whatever it is, they’re going to be disappointed.
“We tried to reach out to whoever we could think of. Fury, agent Hill, Sharon Carter, even Coulson… No one answered.” Even the imperturbable Widow sounds pretty concerned about that. “Clint is MIA, too. We’ve had monthly updates on a secure line to keep him in the loop and in case of emergencies. I tried to contact him twice a day since the battle in Wakanda one week ago. No answers.”
The more information the Widow or the Colonel provide, the more Thor’s expression grows stormy. His shoulders are hunched and there is a fine tremor going through him. For a second, Loki is seriously convinced he can hear the rumble of thunder in the distance.
He’s torn inside between the newfound instinct to offer support in the face of his brother’s misery and the certainty he’ll have the others’ eyes observing his every move; they’ll see that there’s something there, something they will find offensive, depraved, wicked and devious, something they can’t understand. And how could they? How could they begin to grasp the concept of a bond carefully crafted in one thousand and five hundred years spent almost entirely in each other’s company when they have just barely started to live, when they’ll be very lucky to even reach one hundred? It’s unconceivable.
In the end, it’s Thor that makes the decision for him: it only takes one look from him for Loki to discard all his reasons and offer comfort, placing a hand delicately on his shoulder and squeezing lightly at intervals, trying to ground him. He looks immediately away, not breaking the physical contact but trying to appear nonchalant, as if this is perfectly normal behavior and the last time he touched his brother – that morning not included – wasn’t almost a hundred years ago. He can’t erase from his mind the deep pain and guilt he’s seen just now in Thor’s eyes and he resolves to have a conversation about it, later. He knows first-hand how those feelings can fester and poison a person and he’ll sooner battle Thanos at full strength alone and weaponless than have that happen to his sunny, optimistic brother.
The mortals take this new development extremely well, with only a slight pause in their report. The daring and just slightly murderous look he fixed upon them might have something to do with it but the end result is still achieved so he’s not complaining.
“…and we still don’t know where Tony is,” the Captain finishes up, with an anxious note in his voice. “We don’t even know if he’s still…” He stops, then, clenching his fists. He can’t even say it out loud.
Despite everything, Loki has actually paid attention during the briefing. “I have a suggestion” he announces.
The Captain and Widow’s reactions are guarded at best, while Thor looks hopefully at him. The raccoon is curiously on his brother’s other side and he looks inexplicably jittery, searching for something that’s clearly not where it’s supposed to be.
“You said that Stark has disappeared after boarding a space craft, correct?”
“Yes,” Banner replies. He has a concerned expression on his face, partially covered by his hands. “He was going after the Time Stone, trying to keep it safe.”
“Well, if the ship was to deliver that to Thanos, it stands to reason that it would take it to his home planet, Titan. It’s abandoned now, he’s the only inhabitant. I… know the coordinates.”
Thor beams at him, a newfound enthusiasm in his voice. “We can use Stormbreaker! As long as I know the exact corner of the galaxy the planet is in, we can reach it.”
“Wait a second,” Steve interrupts, suspicious. “How do you know that?”
Loki shrugs, a bitter smile curving his lips. “When you’re running from something, Captain, you learn to listen carefully to which places you should absolutely avoid.”
“And what if Thanos is there right now?”
Loki sighs. “He won’t be. He’s weak after using the Gauntlet and that’s destroyed. At the state of things, he’s more vulnerable than ever. While finding him should be our priority, I know how ridiculously attached to the concept of companionship you are,” and here Loki might be just a tiny bit hypocritical; the memory of putting himself directly into the line of fire just to save the man standing by his side still fresh in his mind, “so, whether dead or alive, that’s a good place to start in the search of Stark.”
“The only place, really,” Bruce shrugs, but he seems to be a little bit more optimistic after hearing his reasoning.
The Captain, of course, doesn’t look convinced. “How do we know Titan is actually Thanos’ home and not just a trick?”
Loki bristles at the accusation and a shadow passes over Thor’s face, too, but before either of them can start another discussion, the raccoon answers: “He’s telling the truth. I didn’t remember until I’ve heard that name again, but Gamora once told us that she grew up on Titan with his sister.”
At that, Steve relents. He’s clearly not sure about this, but they don’t have any other leads and it’s already been a week since Stark went missing. If he has managed to survive that long, he doesn’t have much time left.
“All right, we’ll go. Thor, how many people can you take with you?”
Thor shrugs at that, a frown on his face. “I haven’t really tested it, Steven. If Stormbreaker works like the Bifrost did, I can take all of us, in theory.”
“I don’t think that’s wise. Someone should stay here, just in case.”
“I’ll stay,” Bruce says, then. “Tony will need medical attention. There’s an infirmary here, it’s not really my area, but I have some experience. I’ll see what I can do.”
Steve nods, then he says: “I’ll stay, too. Me and Tony, as you all know, have some issues we need to resolve, but… I won’t force him to,” he seems to struggle for a moment to let the words out. “Deal with that, with me, right now. We need to talk, but not like this.”
The Widow and the Colonel decide to stay, too, so that leaves Thor, himself – he’s not particularly interested in rescuing Tony Stark but he’s also not willing to leave Thor’s side anytime soon – and the raccoon, who apparently has some companions of his own that might or might not be on Titan.
“It’s my best bet, too,” he says, picking up his weapon. “Thanos took the Stone from Knowhere, they surely followed him on Titan to fight him. They’re morons.” There’s a fondness in his tone that takes every bit of sting out of the insult.
“I’m sure it was a mighty battle, Rabbit,” Thor tells him, with a smile. “I’ll take Stormbreaker and then we’ll go outside to depart. Prepare yourselves.”
Loki joins his brother in his room, not really needing anything but not inclined to remain alone in the others’ company. They’re still pretty hostile.
“That went well,” he says brightly, the moment they are safely behind the door. “Better than I anticipated, anyway.”
He has not yet finished speaking that Thor turns and kisses him, with an ardor Loki wasn’t really expecting. It’s not very long but the intensity leaves him gasping, when his brother releases him.
“Thor…?”
“You doubted me,” Thor says, and there’s a note of hurt in his voice. “When Steve wanted you gone. You didn’t think I would object.”
Loki blinks, stunned. It seems to have happened so long ago, he wasn’t really thinking about it anymore. That’s not all of it, though: he hadn’t realized just how transparent he has become to his brother and that terrifies him. For as long as he can remember, he was always skillful at erecting barriers around himself with his words, his actions, his illusions. The realization that Thor has somehow learned to see through them, to see him makes him feel vulnerable in a way he hasn’t felt in a long time.
He tries to smile, tries to hide again, to regain his footing. He’s sure he just manages a wince, though. “You’re getting too good at this. I shall find new ways to deceive you or I won’t be the God of lies anymore.” And taking that away, what would really be left?
“Don’t,” Thor replies softly, a hand on his chest, just above his heart. “Don’t hide yourself from me, Loki. I only catch glimpses of you, but I want to see you.”
Loki frowns and lowers his eyes, not able to keep looking at the earnest expression on his brother’s face. “You won’t like what you see, brother,” he murmurs. They have a lot to discuss but he’s not sure his brother would stick around if confronted with the jagged, cutting pieces of his soul; the venom residing there purged only slightly by the few years they spent apart. There’s still anger, guilt, self-hatred, remorse, resentment. And in a distant corner, spreading so-very-slowly, there’s love, too. It’s mayhem in his purest form, a confused mass of feelings too intertwined to ever be completely separated from one another. It’s fitting for the God of chaos, he supposes.
“Try me,” is all Thor says, and Loki wants to run as far as possible and he also wants to do it, to test his brother right here, right now.
What he does is turning his back on Thor and waving a hand towards his weapon, propped up against the wall. “We don’t have time for this. Titan awaits us.”
There’s a sigh behind him, then Thor’s voice: “I know. But this conversation is not over.”
Loki has no doubt about it.
They go back to the main area in silence, collecting the raccoon – “Yes, Thor, I’m fairly certain it’s not a rabbit” – and heading outside. All the remaining Avengers minus Banner are there to see them off.
After passing along the coordinates, Thor closes his eyes and takes a minute to focus. He must see whatever he had to see, because he re-opens them with renewed determination.
“I’m ready,” he says and it must be some sort of signal because the raccoon climbs him with ease, like he’s some sort of tree, and settles on his shoulder. He reaches a paw towards the handle of Stormbreaker, almost with reverence. His brother gently bring it closer to let him grasp it, a pitying but understanding look on his face.
They look back towards the small gathering for the last time. “Take him back to us, Thor,” Steve says and his brother answers with a grave nod.
Loki has noticed that they stopped even considering the possibility that Stark might be dead, that they might find a rotting body or nothing at all. They have to keep believing that their friend is alright after losing so much in so little time.
Not particularly invested in Stark’s well-being, but knowing how bad news could further upset his brother, Loki takes a second to pray the Norns for this small victory. They could really use a win.
That’s Loki’s last thought before Thor activates Stormbreaker, then a familiar swirl of colored light accompanied by a strong pulling sensation is all he is aware of.