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Anakin Skywalker didn’t get to spend many nights alone. As a general in the Republic army, special liaison to Chancellor Palpatine, Jedi knight, and Master to a very feisty Padawan, not to mention keeping up with his secret life as a husband, he very rarely had more than a few hours peace. But tonight was different. Padme and the Chancellor were busy with the Senate, Obi-Wan wasn’t due back from his latest mission until tomorrow, and Ahsoka was spending the next two days on a Padawan retreat. The Council had given Skywalker leave for forty-eight hours and he had every intension of treating himself to some much-needed relaxation.
He pulled on his favorite robe and slippers, lit a scented candle (mmmm! Jogan fruit cake!), and retrieved from under the bed a box where he hid a large supply of candy. He sat on the floor and spread out a collection of circuit boards, transistors, power cells, power converters, webbing, wiring, nuts, and bolts. He munched his way through gummy gundarks, chocolate covered sugar doodles, and fruity frizzles while tinkering with his tech components.
He was in Skywalker heaven.
Sadly, his geek-utopia did not last long. Shortly after midnight there was a quiet knock at the door. Anakin made his way across the room, licking chocolate off his fingers, his eyes wide and unfocused after consuming a constant stream of sugar for nearly three hours.
He reached for the door’s control panel but paused when he heard giggling out in the hallway. Skywalker couldn’t think of a single Jedi who giggled. When the door slid open his jaw dropped with surprise.
Obi-Wan Kenobi, dressed in black combat fatigues more suited to a Republic SWAT unit rather than a Jedi Master, stood in the hall laughing. Behind him, working hard to stifle hysterical giggles, were Rex, Cody, Waxer, Boil, and Kix. Obi-Wan fought to get himself under control as he looked at his Padawan. All the men were pressed up against Kenobi’s back as though they were trying to hide something.
“Anakin,” Obi-Wan said with a broad smile. “Good to see you.”
Skywalker frowned. “What are you doing here?” he asked defensively. “You’re not due back until tomorrow.”
“Yes, well… events transpired that forced me to return home a bit early.” Kenobi looked his friend up and down, noting the cozy bathrobe and puffy slippers. “Am I interrupting something?” he asked, his expression contorting into something both amused and perplexed.
Anakin instinctively pulled his robe closed and tied it in place. “What the hell happened to your face?”
Kenobi had a bruised cheek and a black eye, not to mention a long red welt on his neck. “What? This?” He said pointing at himself. “Simply an accident. She didn’t mean to…”
The Jedi Master was suddenly flung forward against the doorjamb as all the clones lurched toward the doorway. “Sorry, General,” Cody said through gritted teeth. “Sir, I don’t think we can hold it much longer.”
Obi-Wan quickly turned back to Anakin. “May we please come in?”
Skywalker couldn’t keep his face from twisting into a disappointed scowl. “Uh… I suppose so.”
Kenobi barely let him finish. “Thank you,” he said, visibly relieved as he stepped into the foyer and pulled Anakin along with him into the living area. “I’m really sorry about this but I didn’t have anywhere else to go.”
A loud crash came from the entryway as the clones wrestled something into the room. Anakin tried to see what it was but Obi-Wan spun him around and began talking quickly. “It’s nothing to worry about. It’s only for a few hours. We’ll be gone before you know it…”
Now that he was closer to his Master, Skywalker became aware of a profoundly unpleasant effluvium surrounding Obi-Wan. “Have you been drinking?” he nearly shouted.
Kenobi froze mid word, his mouth hanging open slightly. “Possibly.”
“You smell like a whiskey still,” Anakin said waving a hand in front of his face.
Obi-Wan suddenly arched a brow and leaned forward to scrutinize the young man. “Have you been eating sugar?”
“What? No.” Skywalker responded too quickly.
“You haven’t blinked once since you opened the door,” Kenobi said.
“Got any candy left?” Kix asked, coming up behind Skywalker. Before the Jedi could respond the clone began sifting through Anakin’s stash. “Haha!!” he cried, holding up his discovery. “Fizzle Stix! These are my favorite!” Kix grabbed a handful and began distributing them among the men.
Anakin’s gaze followed the medic around the room; when it landed on Waxer and Cody, his eyes and mouth grew wide with shock.
Obi-Wan placed a hand on his shoulder. “Try not to be angry.”
“What the… Why is that in my room!?!?” Skywalker shouted.
Standing in the foyer, being forcibly restrained by Waxer and Cody, was a disgruntled puffer pig.
“No no no no!!!” Anakin cried. “Get it out!”
Obi-Wan grabbed him by the front of his bathrobe and pushed him against the wall just opposite the pig. “Keep your voice down!” he whispered frantically. “You’re scaring it!”
“It looks plenty scared already.”
“Will you please calm down?”
“I am calm!”
“You are not calm. You are hysterical.”
“My quarters are too small for a puffer pig!” Skywalker’s voice became extremely high-pitched as his concern grew. “Do you know what could happen if that thing expands!? It could destroy my whole room!”
“It will be OK,” Kenobi said, working hard to placate his friend. “She’s harmless.”
Anakin pulled Obi-Wan’s hands away from his robe. “Harmless? Do you even know why it’s called a ‘puffer’ pig?”
“Of course,” Kenobi said defensively. He suddenly paused as Skywalker’s words permeated in his mind. He glanced at Cody who was trying to calm the animal down, then he peered back at his apprentice. “Look, I’m sorry,” he finally conceded. “I wasn’t sure where else to hide her.”
Skywalker rolled his eyes. “There are literally thousands of other places you could have taken her, including your own quarters, not to mention other planets, the Temple garden, or even an animal shelter. Maybe if you had more than whiskey sloshing around inside your brain you would have thought of that.”
Obi-Wan’s mouth turned down as he scratched his head. “That’s a fair point.”
Anakin rolled his eyes again then pushed past his Master. “Cody, just let her go. Maybe if we make her feel safe she won’t explode my house.”
Cody and Waxer reluctantly loosened their grip. The pig shot forward and immediately took refuge behind Obi-Wan’s legs. Kenobi leaned down and patted her on the head. “It’s alright, Sphera. You’re safe here.”
“Sphera?” Anakin snorted.
“It’s her name,” Rex said as he and the other clones came into the living area. He pulled a rucksack off his back and flipped it open. The captain took out a case of beer and passed a can to each man. “A little something to go with everyone’s Fizzle Stix.”
“Oh lord, I don’t think I can take much more,” Obi-Wan said, recoiling from the drink.
“Come on, Sir. You can’t back out now. Sphera needs you.”
Kenobi leaned back and took a deep breath. “Very well.” He took the beer, popped it open, and took a big gulp.
“How much have you all had to drink?” Anakin said as he pulled the lid off his own drink.
“Well,” Boil said sliding down to the floor and crossing his legs at the ankles. “We’ve only had a few,” he gestured to the other clones in the room.
“But the general,” Cody added, “he’s been drinking for quite some time now.”
“He was on one of those Corellian booze frigates,” Waxer said. “You know, the giant ships that restock hotels and cruisers with mini containers of brandy and whiskey? The ‘individually portioned’ bottles?”
“OK,” Anakin replied, not quite following the story’s logic. “What does this have to do with the pig?”
“Sphera was starting to get really upset,” Rex said. “The best way to keep her calm is to feed her. There wasn’t any food on board but there were tiny jars of liquor. So the general drank the booze and fed Sphera the containers.”
“What!?” Skywalker laughed out loud. “You have to be joking.”
Obi-Wan took another sip of his beer. “The canisters are made with metals containing minerals that she’s particularly fond of.”
“This doesn’t make any sense,” Anakin scoffed. “Why didn’t you just feed her the full containers? If the metal wasn’t harmful, why would the liquor hurt her?”
“Would you prefer I had brought an inebriated puffer pig to your home?” Kenobi asked, slightly slurring his speech. “No,” he declared valiantly, not giving Skywalker a chance to answer. “I’m quite certain I’m better at holding my liquor, wouldn’t you say, old girl?” He looked down at the pig; she nudged him gently before proceeding to sniff his boot heel.
“Why didn’t you just pour the alcohol out?” Anakin asked. “Why did you have to drink it?”
“That would be a ridiculous waste of very fine liquor,” Obi-Wan retorted as though it were obvious. He lumbered backwards until he hit the wall, then he slid to the floor.
“You can sit on the furniture,” Skywalker said, confused by the fact that everyone was sitting on the ground.
Kenobi smiled as Sphera waddled over and gently laid her head in his lap. “I know. But she can’t reach me up there.” He rested his hand on her large flat snout just above her nose.
Anakin had to admit that despite the risk, she really was quite cute. He sat down next to Obi-Wan. “OK, explain how you ended up getting drunk with a puffer pig.”
“I was on the Corellian frigate already, as a stowaway coming back to Coruscant after my last mission. I found her in a cage down in the hold. She was hysterical and starving. I witnessed several crew members scare her on purpose so she’d puff up and get crushed against the bars of her little cage. I couldn’t stand it. It was so unnecessarily cruel. The minute the crew went above deck I cut her free.”
Anakin’s heart lurched. “The poor little thing.”
“Heartless bastards,” Rex said, pounding his fist against his thigh.
“When the ship docked on Coruscant I smuggled her off.” Kenobi continued. “Unfortunately, the city’s lower levels aren’t the best place to hide a creature that’s easily startled. Luckily, I ran into these fine gentlemen as they were going into a bar. They helped me get her to the Temple.”
Skywalker felt much calmer. “That’s really lovely; you’ve all done a kind thing. But, Obi-Wan, she can’t stay here. What’s your next move?”
“I’ve sent a message to Dex. He’s reaching out to a contact that he promised would treat her well. He said he’d get back to me first thing in the morning.” Kenobi finished his last drop of beer and held the can out to Sphera. She sniffed it for a moment before gently crunched it between her big flat teeth. “Like I said earlier, it’s only for a few hours. We’ll leave as soon as we can.”
Anakin smiled. “OK.” He held out a gummy gundark to Sphera and laughed when she ate it from his palm. “As long as she doesn’t puff up.”
Obi-Wan woke from a sound sleep when his com link beeped. The sun was shining through the windows. He rubbed his eyes, not quite remembering how he had gotten back to the Jedi Temple. He looked around and saw all the men asleep in different corners of the room. Anakin was snoring in his bed. When he looked down at Sphera it all came back to him.
Dear god what have I done?
He remembered rolling a fully expanded puffer pig down the streets of Coruscant with Cody and Rex by his side. He remembered squeezing the seven of them (one Jedi, five clones, plus one pig) into a lift in the Jedi Temple. He remembered practically dragging Sphera kicking and screaming down the hall to Anakin’s room.
His com link beeped again, interrupting his thoughts. No one else was awake yet, so, as not to disturb them, he eased out from under the puffer’s head and stumbled in the small galley kitchenette, letting the swinging door close behind him.
“Morning, Dex,” he said answering the call.
“Obi-Wan!” the besalisk said warmly as his holographic image appeared. He opened his many arms in a symbolic greeting. “Boy, you look like hell.”
“I’m sure I look as terrible as I feel,” Kenobi laughed. “Please tell me you have some good news.”
Dex leaned forward and grinned. “I do, I do. My contact is ready to meet you. Can you be here in an hour?”
“I think so.”
“Good. He’s a really decent guy; he’ll give you a fair price.”
“I don’t need any money.”
“Don’t be stupid, you goody-two-shoes. Take the money.” He wiped his hands on his apron and laughed.
“Whatever you say, Dex.”
The besalisk suddenly became serious and waved a finger at Kenobi through the holographic message. “One thing, Obi-Wan. When you get here, you keep that pig outside. I don’t want her damaging my diner.”
“Don’t worry. I’ll take care of it. Thank you, my friend.”
The two signed off.
Obi-Wan leaned forward against the counter trying to fight off the hangover that threatened to overtake him. The kitchen door swung gently and he turned to see Sphera waddling up behind him. “Good morning, my dear.” He turned on the faucet and splashed cold water on his face. He felt the pig nestle against the back of his legs and couldn’t help but smile to himself. She was growing attached to him. He filled a bowl with water and set it down on the floor for her before getting a glass for himself. “I think we both need to hydrate,” he said to her. Obi-Wan downed the glass in one long gulp then moved toward the door.
He stretched out his hand to push the galley open but at the same moment the door swung inward at full force smacking him clean across the face. Kenobi cried out as he was thrown across the small kitchen. He fell back, tripping over Sphera, squashing her nubby tail under his boot. She squealed and instantly grew twice her normal size, pinning Obi-Wan’s legs and torso against the wall.
The kitchen door swung open, revealing Waxer. “I’m so sorry, Sir!” he shouted. “Are you hurt? I should have been more careful. I can’t believe I just hit a Jedi in the face…”
Kenobi could sense it before it happened. As the clone went on shouting the pig became more and more nervous. “Waxer,” Obi-Wan said holding up his hand in an attempt to silence the clone. “Please calm down…”
It was too late.
The puffer instantly expanded to her full capacity, filling the entire kitchen, breaking all the cabinets, and crushing Kenobi flat against the wall.
Waxer just stood there staring, totally dumbfounded, unable to move.
“Good lord, this is unpleasant,” Obi-Wan managed to say despite his face being uncomfortably smooshed, one cheek flat against the wall, the other plastered to Sphera’s torso. Out of the corner of his eye he could see her little legs flailing about in the air since they no longer could reach the floor. She squirmed helplessly. “It’s alright, girl,” he soothed. If he could help her relax, maybe she’d deflate. “I’m so sorry I stepped on you. I would never hurt you intentionally.”
Nothing he said seemed to calm her, and, in fact, it felt as though she might still be slowly expanding. Obi-Wan began to panic. If she grew any larger she could crush him to death.
“Somebody come in here and calm this damn pig down!” he shouted frantically.
Anakin, Rex, and Cody squeezed through the door.
“Oh my god!” Anakin cried. “My kitchen!”
Kenobi wiggled his fingers helplessly, his arms pinned against the wall. “Yes, terrible about your cabinets. So sorry for the inconvenience.” His voice had grown strained under the pressure but he still managed to sound annoyed. “If you wouldn’t mind, I’d rather not have my epitaph read ‘Teacher of Chosen One Crushed to Death by Large Pig in Small Kitchen’.”
Cody leaned down and began to scratch Sphera’s chin. “Come on now, girl. There’s nothing to be afraid of.”
Rex knelt next to Cody and patted her head. “Remember us? We rescued you. We won’t hurt you.”
Sphera’s eyes became calmer as she looked between the clones.
“Feed…” Kenobi tried to speak but the puffer had expanded so large that the Jedi was nearly invisible behind her.
Anakin ran out into the living area and returned with his box of candy. He knelt between the clone commanders and started digging through the stash. “What sounds good, Sphera? A mallow rock?” He glanced at her and smiled. “Or maybe a chocolate butter bar?” The puffer began to wiggle her whole body back and forth happily. Anakin unwrapped the candy and fed it to her one bite at a time.
“Plse… hry…” a muffled voice came from behind the pig.
Anakin decide it was time to try a different approach. “Come on, sweetheart,” he said gently touching her under the chin. He closed his eyes and sent a calming wave over her through the Force. Almost instantly she returned to her normal size.
Kenobi fell to the floor coughing, fighting for a deep breath. Skywalker moved to his side and placed a hand on his shoulder. “You OK?”
“I think so.”
When Obi-Wan looked up at him, Anakin recoiled. “Your face!” His master had a massive fresh bruise spreading across his cheek and his nose was bleeding. “Is this why you had a black eye last night?”
Kenobi ran his hands down the front his jacket and took a deep breath. “Yes, well… she expanded a few times yesterday before we arrived here. But it was never in a space this small. It can happen at the most inconvenient moments.”
Anakin laughed and helped Obi-Wan to his feet, handing him a towel for his bloody nose.
Sphera came up and leaned against Obi-Wan’s leg so the Jedi knelt down and gave her forehead a quick rub. “I know you didn’t mean any harm, little one.”
“I hope she’s been worth all this trouble,” Anakin said with a chuckle.
“She is,” Obi-Wan said looking up at all five clones huddled in the doorway. “Wouldn’t you agree, gentlemen?”
“Absolutely,” Rex said, a giant smile spreading across his face.
“She’s been through a lot,” Cody added. “She’s one tough lady.”
“I think she’s fun,” Kix said.
“I really like her,” Waxer beamed.
“Yeah, she’s alright,” Boil admitted.
Anakin crossed his arms over his chest and chuckled. “You old softies."
Kenobi scooped Sphera up and headed to the door. “We have to hurry to make our meeting at Dex’s.” He handed the pig to Cody who led the men quickly out the door. Before he followed them, Obi-Wan turned to Anakin. “I’m very sorry we interrupted your leave… and destroyed your kitchen. Why don’t you go to my quarters and rest. I’ll come back here when I’m done with Dex and fix this mess.” He gave his Padawan’s shoulder a squeeze then hurried out the door.