Chapter Text
The saloon was bustling with patrons, overflowing drinks sloshing on the worn down floors, heels clicking on the bar-tables, customers begging for a chance to flirt with the ladies of the night. Everything was coated with a hot, sticky energy, ever moving and shifting in the dim orange light. All save for the man in the corner booth.
Amidst the swishing skirts and flying cards, this man sat stoic, chewing on his cigar. His hand rested on the hilt of his gun, his blue eyes trained on the swinging doors in the front.
A woman adorned in low cut frills sauntered towards him, a drink in her hand. The yellowish liquid spilled over as she dropped it in front of him. The man sat up, eyes darting down to the drink.
“Who’s this from?”
The waitress walked away and yelled something back. Her words were lost in the uproars of the bar. The man took the cigar out of his mouth and yelled again. “Darla! Who’s this fr-”
A knife was placed directly under his Adam's apple. The man didn’t dare to even swallow.
A soft breath tickled his ear.
“What? You don’t like beer anymore, Lance?”
Lance grinned, white teeth flashing against his dark skin,“Not if it’s poisoned.”
Glossa. The woman he had been chasing for the past week. He wasn’t sure why it had taken him this long. A woman with seven eyes and four arms shouldn’t have been that hard to track. In the end, all he had to do was wait, and she’d come to him. He always had that effect on women.
Glossa gave him a small peck on the cheek, the barbs from her lips pinching his skin, “How many times do I have to apologize about that?” Lance chuckled, his lightness clouded by his eyes as they scanned the room.
“Once more,” Lance jerked his elbow into her stomach. As she doubled back, Lance pulled out his gun and shot the blade from her hand. She clutched her hand and winced at the heat.
“Bad human!” She pouted and pulled out three more knives, one in each hand. She began charging. Lance smirked and held up his gun.
With a closed eye, Lance aimed slightly above the alien. The bullet whizzed past her hair and hit something at the bar.
“Ha! You miss-“ before Glossa could finish, the telltale sound of ricocheting crept closer. The blast smashed through the bottles and hit the mirror. Bouncing off, it slammed into a frying pan, reflected off an oversized earring and ricocheted off the three knives, landing and sizzling on the beautiful Glossa’s shoulder.
She collapsed to the dirty hardwood, surrounded by her discarded blades. Lance sauntered up to her moaning body.
“Didn’t anyone ever tell you to not bring a knife to a gun-" someone from the corner of his eye caught his attention. Lance dropped the gun and swiveled around. “Cut!”
A bell rang. The room of people groaned. The crew members put down their equipment and began resetting the shot. The boom OP lowered his mic, hitting Lance in the process. The soundstage, previously completely silent, save for Lance and Glossa, was now filled with various chatter between the crew members and the extras.
“Hey, guys!” Lance waved at his friends. He leaped off the set, bounding towards them. Allura and Coran were excitedly discussing and gesturing towards the set. Shiro and Keith were mumbling back and forth, laughing softly about something. Pidge was on her tablet and Hunk was waving ecstatically at him.
Before Lance could properly greet them, the director skittered up, blocking his way.
He was a short alien, his gloopy figure sloshing with annoyance. The four snail-like eyes were pointing in all different directions, only one focusing on Lance.
“N-n-now Lance, we talked about this. O-o-only I can c-call cut.”
“Ooo, sorry about that Pilup.” Lance shrugged and gave him a sheepish grin. “I just got too excited seeing my future leading lady.”
Pilup perked up, “She’s here?”
Lance pointed towards Allura. “She’s that steaming glass of water over there.”
“W-what? O-oh s-she is pretty, for a human… I think?" Pilup turned back to face Lance. "And the chemistry?”
Lance bit his lip, his voice dropping an octave, “Absolutely boiling.”
All four of Pilup’s eyes swiveled towards Lance, his lip curled. “Y-you human’s a-are s-so-”
“Sexy?”
“Disgusting.”
Lance nodded, “That’s fair.”
Pilup looked Lance over once more before he oozed away, a small trail of silver slime following him. He began barking orders at the crew, herding the extras off the set.
Lance turned back towards his fellow Paladins, giving them his Oscar-Winning smile.
“So? What do you guys think of the set?” he held his arms out, almost hitting a PA in the face.
Keith scoffed, “I can’t believe Allura’s letting you miss training for this.”
Lance dropped his arms, “Listen, the numbers don’t lie. Our alliances have skyrocketed ever since I started this movie.”
Keith raised an eyebrow, “Might also have to do with the fact that we’re out there making the alliances by, you know, saving people.”
Lance crossed his arms, “If you’re so jealous, I could get you cast as a headless body, or maybe a eunuch if you’re lucky.”
Keith took a step forward, “I thought that was your part.”
Lance snarled. Before he could snap back with something as equally scathing, Pidge stepped between them, “Hey Lance, what’s the mitpit password?”
“I don’t know, ask one of the PA’s.”
Pidge turned and darted off towards the PA’s huddled together sharing a singular blue croissant. Hunk wrenched his eyes from the small pastry and grinned at Lance. Lance grinned back. They both threw open their arms and rushed in for a hug.
“I missed you, buddy.” Hunk sobbed. Lance mumbled something back, his face buried into Hunk’s shoulder.
“Are you- we had breakfast together!” Keith scoffed. Lance and Hunk continued to hold each other for longer than necessary.
“He’s just jealous,” Lance sulked. He lifted his head and stuck his tongue out at Keith.
Hunk patted Lance, muttering, “I know, I know. Let it out.” Keith threw his hands up in frustration. Shiro laughed.
“Lance, I think you’re doing great work here,” Shiro said. Lance released Hunk and puffed out his chest.
“Really?”
Shiro nodded, “It seems like every planet we land on has one of your posters.” Lance bounced on the heels of his feet.
“Really?”
“Hah, yeah. Now, Lance, this is important,” Shiro leaned closer and put his hand on Lance’s shoulder. Lance put on his serious face, eyes darting around to make sure no Galra spies were listening.
“What is it?”
Shiro took a deep breath, “Where the fuck is the craft service’s table.”
Lance sighed in relief, “Oh! I thought you were going to say something serious or some-“
“Lance.”
The paladin pointed to the table. In an instant, Shiro and Hunk had disappeared. Keith huffed.
Lance turned and set his eyes on Allura. The princess. The future Mrs. Blue Lion. The future mother of his five children (three girls, two boys). He put on his best smile and slicked back his eyebrows.
“So Allura… what do you think of the set?” He looked at his nails, trying to appear disinterested.
Allura didn’t bother to look back at him, “Oh, it’s sweet. Though the lights are a little too bright, aren’t they?”
Lance laughed a little too loudly, “HAHA, not as bright as you!”
Allura tilted her head an smiled. “Okay? How do you like it here?”
Lance continued to laugh. Why was he laughing? She wasn’t that funny. Stop laughing. Lance.
“Oh haha, you know. Miss you guys every second. Especially you. Haha.”
Allura forced a grin as Keith rolled his eyes in the background. Coran placed his hand on Lance.
“Ah, I also miss you, Lance. Just a couple weeks more!” He gave Lance a tight hug. Lance was still laughing. At this point, it was boarding on hysterics.
“LANCE! MAKEUP!”
“Oh, thank god,” Lance breathed. He dropped out of Coran’s grasp and backed away. He waved goodbye. “That’s my cue, guys! Gotta go! Acting and wooing the ladies and all that. See you soon, Allura,” He quickly threw a wink her way and rushed off to makeup.
The girl stared deeply into Lance’s eyes. All the eyes on the ends of her hair were staring too. Lance gulped, not sure which optic to focus on.
“I-i, uh, can’t be the man you need,” He stuttered. He tilted her chin up towards him, trying to ignore it as her hair tentacles caressed his hand.
“But you’re the man I want,” she whispered. She leaned in, her four lips puckered. Again, Lance was unsure of which to focus on. Did he have to open his mouth really big? Did he only kiss two at a time? What was the protocol here?
Her hair-eyes continued to stare him down, getting closer and closer till he felt like he was enveloped into slimy porta-potty of eyes. He pulled back, completely separating from her. If he wasn’t feeling it, he wasn’t feeling it. “CUT!”
Pilup slapped his hand on his face. “L-Lance!”
“Sorry,” Lance shrugged at the actress. Her eyes glared at him. In a huff, she stomped off. Lance looked back at the exasperated Pilup. “Can we bring in Allura already? I really think she’s perfect for this.”
Pilup shook his head in defeat, “Fine. Someone get the girl Lance brought in!”
Lance gulped. Kissing scene. With Allura. An absolute dream. But after kissing about twelve other girls, Lance needed to make sure he was still fresh. He turned to a PA.
“Hey, do you have like a mint or something?”
“Or something,” the PA said, handing him a small pill. Lance popped it in his mouth, the sharp minty flavor hitting him quickly.
“Fuck, that’s strong,” Lance chewed it, the taste exploding.
The PA grinned wickedly and gave him a thumbs up, “You got this, dude.”
“We’re ready for you, Lance!”
The paladin whirled around, quickly swallowing his mint. He started shaking out his limbs, trying to loosen up. The room spun for a second. Hmm, too loose? Lance placed a hand on his head, trying to delay the dizzying.
“Alright, ma’am. For this scene, Lance’s character, Lance McCool, has just hopped onto your motorcycle and unwillingly made you his getaway driver. He’s drunk, he’s an idiot, and he’s sexy. You’ve just been shot at by twenty different cops, saving this man you’ve never met before. After losing the cops, you finally find a place to stop and confront him. Under your annoyance, you find that you’re unbelievably attracted to him.”
Lance smiled, ignoring the spinning room, “And that’s when you find out that you can’t resist me any longer. And we kiss under the moonlight.” Lance looked up, ready to woo his leading lady. Keith stared back. Lance choked on his words. He quickly glanced around the soundstage. “Where’s Allura?”
Pilup rolled his eyes, “She’s right there, Lance. Now any questions?”
Keith gulped, shifting uneasily. “Actually-”
“Perfect, now. Whenever you’re ready. We’re starting at the top of page two.”
Page two. What was on page two? What was he doing again? Acting. Acting with Keith? No. With Allura. Where was Allura?
“Lance, your line: ‘Thanks for the ride.’”
Right! Acting!
Lance took a deep breath. He could do this. He could act. He cleared his throat and smiled. Time for flirting. No amount of weird mints could dull his flirting skills. He was a born flirter. Time to flirt this shit out of… whoever this was.
“Hey, thanks for the ride.” Lance smiled and leaned against the motorcycle. He looked curiously at the guy in front of him. What was he doing? The man was gripping the piece of paper in front of him, actively avoiding any eye contact with Lance. “What’s your name, again? Didn’t catch it over the sirens.”
The man gulped. “I-” his voice cracked. Man, was he nervous. He pressed his lips firmly together, forcing complete silence.
Lance laughed. He stood up and tugged at the piece of paper. The man watched as Lance threw it to the floor.
“Hey-!”
“Oh, he speaks!”
The man looked up indignity at him, searching Lance’s face. “You,” he took a deep breath and closed his eyes. After a pause, Lance wasn’t sure he was ever going to speak again. Was this the kiss already? The man opened his eyes and glared at Lance. “You do realize I just saved your ass? Is this how you always say thank you?”
Lance smirked. Finally. “No,” he leaned in close. “Let’s get a room first, yeah?”
“Oh, so now you want me to pay for your hotel and hide you from the cops?”
Lance leaned back on the motorcycle, “I’ll make it worth your while.”
“I promise you, I’m not interested in anything you have to offer,” the man looked him over. “Quite the exact opposite.”
Lance pouted, “Oh, how you wound me- what’s your name?”
“K-Keith.”
Keith glanced down at the papers on the ground. Lance stood to block his view. “You’d don’t seem so sure.” Lance placed his hand on the wall behind Keith. “Are you hiding something, Keith?”
“N- says the guy who just ran from the police!”
Lance leaned in closer. “Says the guy who just helped him escape.”
Keith backed up knocking the motorcycle against the wall. “Unwillingly.”
Lance tilted his head and gestured down the alley. “You can leave at any time.”
Keith didn’t move. “Who else is going to witness this train wreck?”
Lance placed his other hand on Keith’s waist. “I guess it’s private show just for you,” Lance smirked. He eyes darted down at Keith’s lips as he pulled him forward. Just as they were breaths away, Lance paused. Gotta maximize the money shot.
Keith’s eyes were wide, but he was avoiding any eye-contact with Lance. Lance raised his eyebrow. Interesting tactic. Lance dipped down.
In an instant, their lips locked. Lance held still for a moment, relishing the contact. Keith was warm. Lance pressed closer.
Big kiss, big moment.
He moved his lips against Keith’s, walking forward until Keith’s back was pressed against the wall. Moving his hand down Keith’s body, searching for any bit of skin.
Bigger, make it bigger.
Lance pulled his hand from the wall and tangled it in Keith’s hair, tugging him into a better angle. Deepening the kiss, making it bigger, sloppier, faster-
“CUT!”
Lance separated from him with a loud pop. The guy hunched over, muttering “Whatthefuckwhatthefuck-”
Lance stretched, looking across the soundstage. The room started to spin again. He turned back to his costar, about to compliment him when-
“Wait-” Lance looked at him in horror. “Keith?! That was you?!”
Keith continued to wheeze, “Who the- who the fuck would it- are you stupid?”
Lance stared at him, “So-so the kiss- and- so- you?” Keith looked like he was about to hurl.
“Lance!” A small hand slapped his calf. Lance whirled around, looking down at the director. “That was amazing! You weren’t kidding when you said you two had chemistry!”
Keith dry retched behind them.
“I-I think I need some water…” Lance mumbled, stumbling off balance.
“Get the man some water!” Pilup yelled. He laughed and slapped Lance’s calf again. “Man, you sure know how to pick them. All you humans look the same to me, but I can always sense talent.” He turned to Keith.
“Sweetheart, you have the raw emotion we’re looking for.” He slapped Keith’s calf. Keith stumbled forward and held onto the motorcycle for dear life. Pilup grinned, clutching Keith’s leg and raising a fist into the air, “Crew, I’d like you to meet our new romantic lead!”
Lance nodded weakly, looking between Pilup, the crew, and the very sick Keith. The room continued to tilt and swirl as everyone clapped half-heartedly.
Lance could barely hear Keith vomit as he collapsed to the ground.