Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Your name is Roxy Lalonde and you have never seen another human being.

You know what they look like; you've seen pictures and movies. You know how they talk, how they move -- you have to hope that acting is acccurate to real life anyway -- but you don't know how they feel, what they smell like, how they'd interact with you instead of a script...

Instead you know cats. You know Carapacians, with their hard shells and silence. You know emotional bonds with the characters in your video games.

There is another human being out there -- just one -- surviving on his own just like you are. Your mother left hints about him and she has been right about everything else, so he must exist. He's the family of a famous movie director from the past, your mother's dear friend and fellow conspirator against the batterwitch, but you have no idea where he is.

Yet.

You're young, it's not that long ago that you learned to read and write, but you're fast on your way to being a "leet haxxor," as you decide to title yourself after coding your first successful program. (It just says "Hello Word!" when you run it, and you can code circles around it less than an hour later, but you keep the first executable around out of sentimentality anyway, typo and all.)

Programming languages come more natural to you than English, but English is full of inconsistencies. You can get away with typos and vagueness and mixing up words in English. Computers will have none of that shit. They keep you on your toes and demand only clear, concise, pinpoint-specific commands.

It takes practice and proofreading (so much proofreading), but over the next few months your programs outshine most of the pre-packaged software on your computer. You build things with the aid of open source code, then build them again from scratch. You copycat other software, improve on it, and save that knowledge for projects so unique that there's nowhere to turn for advice.

To your delight, you reach your goal within a year: you have a program that can find the signal of other Internet users and help you track them down. Or so you hope. It's a bit difficult to test and you won't actually know if it works unless it locates someone, but it's been able to track your signal without problem at least.

You let it run in the evening, so it can search overnight if it has to, and it scours the web for another signal, some sign that there's another person out there accessing the Internet. You should go to bed, but instead you wait. You want to look away and stop taunting yourself by watching the status bar, but no matter how many times you minimize it, you have it back open within thirty seconds in hopes of an update.

Your heart flutters. It's found activity: one single user left on the entire Internet who isn't you. It takes you less than an hour to track the source and find his location. Your excitement crashes; he's fifteen hundred miles away, living in what used to be Texas.

You sulk for the rest of the evening with a bottle of liquor, hating the endless ocean that would surely steal your life if you tried to venture away from home. You only return to the computer to read the other statistics on your mystery human after the hangover has subsided the next morning.

Surprisingly, he has active usernames. You've never bothered with a 'net presence, seeing as there's no one to interact with, but he's signed up with a number of sites as timaeusTestified. He leaves ridiculous comments on long-dead forum threads, arguing with morons who probably finished decomposing ages ago and can never defend themselves against endless smug paragraphs that only half make sense. It's almost as if he's turned taking down trolls into an art form. Considering what his relative's movies are like, you can't be too surprised by such an eccentric hobby.

He uses an instant messenger program, for maybe the same reason he argues with empty message boards. Too curious and hopeful not to, you download Pesterchum as well and make an account.

He's online. You're almost afraid to click his username, for fear you'll hate each other or that he died long ago and just hadn't logged out, but you have to reach out to the last surviving human.

-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] --

TG: hullo?
TT: Hey.
TT: This Lalonde?
TG: aw hell yes this is the one and only roxy lalonde hacker extraordinaire
TG: howd you know?
TT: Figured you had to be.
TT: Unless you're a time traveler or a drone that's taught itself to type, there's only one other survivor capable of utilizing Pesterchum.
TG: or MAYBE im a time traveling drone dun dun dunnnn
TG: whoops i already said my name :D nm
TG: what about u plz plz plz plz tell me ur human and proooolly a STRIDER yes???
TT: Dirk. And yeah, I mostly identify as human, when I'm not too busy being a god of irony.
TG: close enough omg

You've never been so excited in your life. You've found the person your mom told you about and he knows about you from his bro too. He would have to be the biggest douche to ever exist before you wouldn't befriend him. It turns out he is a bit of a douche, but you enjoy it.

You're finally learning how natural conversations flow, in text at least. You worry that you're awkward from lack of experience, but you feel better when you remember that he must be bullshitting his way through your chats as well -- even if he's better at hiding it under his sarcasm and supposedly purposeful insincerity.

It doesn't matter how poorly you may be communicating. You look forward to signing into Pesterchum every day and he's almost always online. You can tell him all about the twists and turns in your latest video game, and complain when the carapacians are being difficult, and speculate what your family was like, and just talk to somebody who can talk back.

You have an audience to send your code to and he, in exchange, shares his raps with you. You're not always a fan of his music, but you listen to it all anyway and try to discern his speaking voice from it. You want to have an audible conversation, maybe even a video chat to see how another human moves in a natural environment, but he's not easily convinced. He doesn't see the point. He, as it turns out, has seen you sleeping on Derse and already knows exactly what you look like, the sneaky son of a bitch.

As time goes on, the novelty wears into the mundane. Not that you would ever stop valuing your friendship, but sometimes you wonder if you'll ever see Dirk in person or if he'll be orange text on your screen until you're both too old to remember your passwords. He sends you a photo finally and you study it in detail, trying and failing to imagine his image moving and breathing and typing his messages to you. It's not the same.

You have a drink.

You wonder if there really are two Prospit players out there. Your mom and Dirk's bro were certain there would be more than two kids involved in the game their offspring would play years from now, but what if this is the one time they got it wrong? What if the game is a farce altogether and you'll never leave this waterlogged lab?

You drink some more.

You wonder what it would be like to share space with another human or to kiss them. You wonder what it would be like to kiss Dirk. You wonder if you're in love.

You have another drink and you're suddenly certain that your puppy crush is a pure love the likes of which even the cheesiest romcoms would be jealous.

TG: hey dirk
TG: diiiiiiiiik
TG: *dirk but w more fucking i
TG: didja ever think about yknow
TG: what it means
TG: us beinh the last teo humans on earth
TG: *two
TT: In what way?
TG: isnt it like our duty to
TG: omigoood ~blush blush~
TG: repopular the planet???
TG: *repopulate
TT: I don't see how.
TT: While we're both resourceful enough to concoct a way to physically meet if we ever needed to, two people can't repopulate a goddamn planet.
TT: One uterus can only produce so many kids, not to mention the fucking brutality that can accompany childbirth that I'd prefer not risk on you.
TT: And even if we somehow managed to produce a healthy dozen brats, then what? Start the next generation off with incestuous orgies?
TT: Of course, the above is all a completely moot fucking point, since it carefully sidesteps the fact I couldn't get it up for a woman even if I wanted to.
TG: wait wha
TG: OH
TG: oh no
TG: ur gah?
TG: *gat
TG: *fucking GAY
TT: No.
TT: I'm just exclusively attracted to men.
TG: dirk
TG: thats gay
TT: That's an antiquated label based on a concept that's not even relevant, what with the severe lack of human society around here. I'm just not romantically interested in women, no need to stop the fucking presses.
TG: gaaaaaaay
TG: and alsp
TG: laaaaaame
TG: no reppulating the planet or even tryin out the frisky i guess
TT: Sorry, but you guess right.
TG: :(
TT: Don't give me that look. It's not like it was a conscious decision on my part.
TG: 8(
TT: Adding shades does not change my initial reaction to your digital expression.
TG: theyre not shaddes theyre wider sad eyes and you know it u jerk 8C
TG: *douche
TT: Please don't make a big deal out of this.
TG: fuck u youre not th e boss of me 8'C
TT: You're just trying to see how much you can exaggerate one emoticon, aren't you?
TG: 8'CCC
TT: You can do better than three mouths and we both know it.
TG: shhh we only speak in faces now
TG: oops
TG: *>8O
TG: *:X
TT: I'm not joining in on your emoticon party, Rox. Even the Japanese couldn't come up with an emoticon that perfectly encompasses my permanent chill expression. I assure you, though, it is cool as shit.
TG: couldnt u IRONICLALY settle for a less than perfect emoticom
TG: eh?? irony? cmon strider you gotta bite at that
TT: It's not ironic if there's no way to include my badass shit shades.
TG: psssshhh ur so unimaginnatvie
TG: hows about <>_<>
TT: Oh my god, no.

The worst part is that his orientation doesn't do shit to change how you feel. No, actually, the worst part is that you keep fucking flirting anyway. You're so mortified by the previous night's chatlog the next day that you start drinking earlier than usual to alleviate the guilt. Then you flirt with him some more, to your hungover future self's chagrin.

He puts up with it with more grace than such actions probably deserve. You hope it's not because he's just as lonely as you are and would rather put up with your clingy, drunk self than risk losing the only friend he can ever have on this watery wasteland of a planet.

You've known Dirk a couple years and you still don't know what a human looks like in real life. You don't know how they break into laughter or grow tongue-tied or stutter when nervous. You don't know how it feels to hug someone or even just shake hands.

You have your mother's promise that you'll find out one day. You have Dirk's bro's word to back that up. You have Dirk's reassurance that, if both your parental figures somehow turn out to be wrong, he'll find a way to your house and you'll just live together as best friends until the batterwitch comes to claim your lives someday.

You take comfort in your cats and your carapacian neighbors and your computers that demand perfect syntax. And you drink. And you wait.

Chapter Text

Dirk's wrong. There are other Pesterchum users out there besides time travelers and literate drones. You learn this because one of them contacts you out of the blue one day.

You'd assume Dirk changed his chumhandle and text color for some obscurely ironic reason when the chat first opens, except you're already talking with him in another window. You frown at the gray text, too baffled to feel much caution or excitement.

-- uranianUmbra [UU] began cheering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] --

UU: good day!
UU: by any chance... am i speaking to roxy?
TG: maybe that is EXALTY who i am
TG: *EXACTLY
TG: who wantsta know
UU: oh!
UU: Umm...
UU: oh my.
UU: sorry, this is jUst so exciting! ^u^
UU: i assUre yoU it is oUt of no desire to be viewed as Unfriendly, bUt i'm afraid i cannot divUlge my own name. i hope my chUm handle will sUffice!
UU: bUt it is very good to meet you!
TG: uhh so who r you?
TG: i mean i dont rly give any shits if you dont wanna shar ur irl name but
TG: we are kiiinda on an abandnooned planet so itd be nice tknow ur not like the batterwtich in disguse or nothin
TG: *disguise
UU: oh, of coUrse! i am an alien from another Universe!
UU: and, i hope yoU don't mind my gUshing, but i am a big, big fan of yoU all!
TG: haha whut

Just how much booze did you drink this morning? You've never hallucinated before, you don't think. You have way better control of yourself, no matter how drunk you get. You just slur a little and flirt more than you should and need to proofread your code ten times as carefully.

Big, big fanaliens are new to the drunk experience.

You switch back to Dirk's window to ask him about it, but he's beat you to the punch.

TT: Are you talking to uranianUmbra?
TG: omg so theyre not my imaginartion
TG: pheeeew
TT: Why the hell would you think
TT: Oh, goddammit.
TT: Are you drinking again?
TG: whyyyy would that have stopped being a thing doucewad
TT: Maybe because it shouldn't have been a thing to begin with?
TT: Whatever, we've already been over this shit and I've got a fucking alien on the other line. Not that I'm not an expert on multitasking, but I think this deserves all my attention regardless.
TT: Until you sober up, just leave the interdimensional diplomacy to me, all right?
TG: fuck u
TG: and also too late
TG: but mostly fuck u
TT: Roxy, no.
TG: roxy yes
TG: roxy woops there she go replying to my fans
TG: *hre fans
TG: *ehr
TG: *fukkit the pov swap was a dumb idea anyway

You leave his window to check on your new-found alien fan. You try to stay wary and not give away too much, because of course you know this is suspicious as hell and kinda weird. But UU is so soft-spoken and seems just as excited for a new chat buddy as you are; they can't possibly be working for the Batterwitch, can they?

TG: soooo a fan huh? not that im not flattred as hell
TG: *flattered
TG: but its kinda hard to imagine how word of my sweetass skillz reached a polite alien from another diemsnion
TG: if u dont mind some splaining on that front id apprecaite it
UU: well, there's only so mUch i can tell yoU at once, and some things i don't think it woUld do well to spoil, bUt rest assUred yoU'll find it all oUt eventUally!
UU: the short of it is, yoUr Universe has a timeline that rUns separately from mine, so i know snippets of yoUr fUtUre since it's already happened from my standpoint!
UU: and i do hope i'm not coming off as too enthUsiastic when i emphasize how mUch i admire the foUr of yoU. ^u^
TG: four?
TG: uh you sure u havent got us mitaken for soemeone else cos theres only the two of us
UU: oh! yoU haven't met the other two yet?
UU: i woUld have sworn yoU shoUld have by now...
UU: oh dear. u_u
UU: jUst a moment, please. this reqUires some thoUght and perhaps a conversation with one of yoU from the fUtUre.
TG: uh if u say so

You grab your mouse to switch to another window as you wait, but you haven't even had a chance to click on anything before UU is back.

UU: righto!
UU: i dearly hope i'm not overstepping my boUndaries here bUt... i do believe it may be my role to step in and facilitate yoUr meetings!
UU: yoU shoUld receive a file transfer shortly. if yoU woUldn't mind installing it as an Upgrade on yoUr pesterchum software so you can talk to yoUr other friends... ^u^
UU: it may not be completely compatible with yoUr compUters at first, bUt i'm qUite confident yoU of all people shoUld have no problem modifying it.
TG: damn right lemme at this bad boy

The incessant flashing from Dirk's window is probably him warning you against the file transfer until he's determined it's safe, because he thinks he's the only person who knows what shit's up from down. You decide to let him stew as you click the download confirmation button. You're not a moron though. You quarantine the damn file, first of all, and scan it with every anti-virus at your disposal until you're satisfied that it's clean. Only after this thorough investigation do you dare crack it open to view its innards.

The coding is like nothing you've ever seen. It's a programming language, all right, but it looks almost troll-made. A modification on a troll programming language, maybe. That's okay. You haven't had a challenge in a while. You stretch your hands like you've seen in movies before slapping them on your keyboard.

You study it, you debug it over and over until you get a feel for the language, then you get to work converting it to work with Earth computers. It's long and tedious, but once you hit a groove it's hardly what you'd consider difficult.

You actually are nearly sober by the time you finish.

UU: all done? i can't seem to see yoU anymore...
TG: oh yeh that program has been sufficiently fuckin curbstomped by rolal
UU: wonderfUl! ^u^
TG: its kinda funky tho cos it seemed like
TG: idk this sounds kinda farfetched when i type it out but
TG: its like theres a time warping element? like the software is sposed to be moving in sync with another designated time that isnt exactly the present
UU: that isn't farfetched at all! in fact, that's very close to the trUth!
UU: yoU and dirk can Use the new program to contact gutsyGumshoe and golgathasTerror, even thoUgh there are foUr centUries separating yoU!
UU: which is why the timeline synching was so important. woUldn't want to worry about linearity! trUst me, i can already tell it will be qUite a bother on my end. u_u;
TG: so wait
TG: i can contact a couple of random usernames now?
UU: yes!
TG: are they more alien fans?
UU: no, no, no! they're hUman kids living on earth like yoU, jUst in a different time period!
TG: omfg ur yanking at my heartstrings here UU dont do this to me
UU: it's completely trUe!
UU: go ahead and see for yoUrself! ^u^
UU: i will contact yoU again soon! even sooner from my timeframe, actUally.
UU: oh, and do have a lovely time meeting yoUr friends for the first time! i woUld love to hear all aboUt it later, dear!

-- uranianUmbra [UU] ceased cheering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] --

If you were still drunk, you'd be certain you're hallucinating now. You spare enough time to pass the new software and usernames on to Dirk. If he's still irritated with you, he hides it behind a coolly curious facade.

You enter gutsyGumshoe into your chumroll and your heart leaps. The user is signed in.

-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began bothering gutsyGumshoe [GG] --

TG: hello?
GG: Bot check! Who's your favorite Harry Potter character?
TG: dumbledore ofc!
GG: Well all right then, not a bot. In interest of fairness, mine is Professor Lupin!
GG: Also, hello! :B

You take a sharp breath. You're talking to another human being. YOU'RE TALKING TO ANOTHER HUMAN BEING.

GG: Are you one of the kids UU told me about?
TG: oh hey you already know about that
TG: makes dis shit a lot easier
TG: he contacted you too then?
GG: Yes! Although I was under the distinct impression she was a girl.
TG: ohh yeah maybe
TG: thatd be pretty cute actually
TG: perhaps even hecka cute
GG: It's a guess anyway! Hard to tell for sure though, with that RP persona of hers!
TG: pfff yea no i dont think thats no persona
GG: Ahem. "I don't think that's A persona," actually.
GG: But don't be silly. :P Obviously she's just having a little fun. That's half the point of Internet chats anyway!
TG: nnnnope this ones legit
TG: if shes not an alien shes SOME kinda time traveler or shit
TG: but im p sure shes tellin the truth
GG: Err...
GG: Well, I won't try to dissuade you then! Just call me a skeptic and never mind that.
GG: In the meanwhile, I don't believe I caught your name!
TG: roxy lalonde but you can call me roxy rox rolal lalonde or expert resident hacker idgaf
GG: Lalonde hmm?
GG: Isn't that the name of an author?
TG: yea thats my mom!!!! :D omg youve heard of her
GG: Well, shucks, that's pretty neat! There's a writer in my family line as well!
GG: Although I must say I'm a bit surprised the daughter of a famous author would have such careless English syntax. :B Hoo-hoo!
TG: pssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
TG: mom dont give no shits bout my grammarz
GG: So I see.
GG: I'll have to give your mother's work a shot sometime!
TG: go for it its awesome shit fulla wizards
TG: kinda wordy tho
TG: so what about u are you just GG?
GG: Oops! Sorry, I'm Jane Crocker.
GG: Though I suppose I shouldn't broadcast that too loudly. Oh, shucks, you probably won't believe it anyway.
TG: wait crocker like betty crocker?
GG: The one and the same! I'm the heiress to the company and quite proud of it.
TG: holy shit

Holy shit.

You aren't really sure what to do with that. You sidestep it for now, because you're really enjoying this conversation and you don't want to derail it to badmouth her family business, but you're shaken for a few minutes. One of the Batterwitch's family members is going to be your co-player? How will that even work?

The shock wears down before long, as your conversation swings into more cheerful topics, like video games and boys and books. Jane doesn't seem at all the huge bitch you'd expect from a Crocker relative. In fact, you really enjoy her company. She's like Dirk except politer and with a less obscure sense of humor.

You're so caught up chatting with her -- you find she likes detectives and sitcoms and pranks and picking on your totally FINE grammar -- that you don't even remember that you had a second username to get into contact with until Jane signs out for dinner.

It's all good. When you compare notes with Dirk, it turns out he was feeling out the other kid while you got to know Jane. It sounds as if golgathasTerror (also known as Jake English, yet another relation to the Crocker company) is quite the goof and stands in stark contrast to Jane. You wonder how Dirk handled that; maybe the same way he handles you on your tipsier days.

Before you can pester Jake to form your own impression, UU contacts you again.

-- uranianUmbra [UU] began cheering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] --

UU: i hope i'm not jUmping in too soon, bUt how was yoUr first chat with jane?
TG: words CANNOT FUCKING DEAL
TG: only way to do this excitement justice involves strategic KEYBOARD SMASHING
TG: jlfkewarlkilrewaikqjmlkaw2raez
UU: so... yoU don't mind my meddling in the matter? :U
TG: fdlkjasfklajlka
TG: that was keyboard smashing for HECK NO I DONT MIND THIS IS FUCKING GREAT
UU: ^u^ oh, what a relief!
UU: then, by any chance, woUld yoU mind terribly if i imposed on yoU fUrther and, Umm...
UU: oh bUgger, this is harder to blUrt than i thoUght it woUld be...
UU: bUt... woUld yoU mind if we chatted more and perhaps in both oUr fUtUres...
UU: became friends?
UU: wait no, never mind, forget i said that! aaaah that was too forward! u_u;;; i'm so sorry, i was jUst entertaining a flight of fancy that i shoUld have kept to myself!!
TG: omg no
TG: UU no get rid of those fuckin semicolon sweatdrops
TG: smack them with the backspace til they cry for mercy u hear me?
TG: ur the fucking best already and of course i want to be your friend
UU: TuT

Chapter Text

You have what actually might be classified as a "social life" for the first time ever and you couldn't be happier. There's almost never a time that no one is signed into Pesterchum and often you even have the privilege of tackling two or more conversations at once -- you wonder if that challenge comes easier to Jane and Jake, who grew up with plenty of opportunities to interact with multiple people at once in some form or another.

There are drawbacks. They're utterly worth it, but they're there all the same. For one, you have learned to be at least a little grateful for your perpetual solitude. As lonely as it gets, at least you don't share living space with someone as fucking unbearable as UU's brother.

He must have found your chumhandles through UU or something, because he contacts you not long after you meet her. With his help, you confirm that, despite your desperation for any social contact you can get, you still have fucking standards.

There are not enough gagfaces in the world to fully vent the disgust that festers within you whenever you talk to this brat. Seriously, fuuuuck this guy. If you had a choice between complete solitude again and having only him for company, you would uninstall Pesterchum without hesitation. As it is, you have four friends that more than make up for the occasional harassment from an obnoxious manbaby.

At least you have the option to scroll past the sexist garbage he spews in your chat window -- sometimes you just type nonsense back at him, responding to a conversation made-up in your head and ignoring the no doubt steadily angrier responses on his end. But poor, poor UU has to cope with this asshole every day of her life and is stuck sharing a home with him. You can't imagine how much more grating he must be in meatspace. You wouldn't blame UU at all if she just slugged her brother sometime.

In fact, you suggest she try that.

UU: oh bUgger, did he contact yoU again?
UU: i'm so sorry!!! u_____u;;;;
UU: if i'd known he woUld pUll this, i might not have contacted yoU and alerted him to yoUr presence!
TG: awww UU dont say that
TG: u are totes worth putting up with a dickface lkie him occasionalyy and dont let no one tell you otherwise <4
TG: *<3
UU: unu
UU: thank yoU.

You aren't even exaggerating. UU's brother is like the commercials on a DVD: yeah, he's annoying as hell and you skip him when you can, but you still put up with him because he can't ruin the feature presentation. You wouldn't have to deal with him if it weren't for UU, but you also wouldn't have Jane and Jake and, obviously, UU. As far as you're concerned, you made out like a bandit on this deal.

The one thing about your new-found chat buddies that actually makes you ache is Jane's reaction when you tell her more about yourself: your mom is dead and you never even met her, you were raised by living chess pieces, you live four centuries in the future, Betty Crocker is the cause of all your woes... You spill it all without thinking one day and get the worst reaction you could have imagined.

GG: Hoo-hoo, I guess you really are the child of an author, with an imagination that creative!
GG: I can see why you and UU are pals!
TG: hey no :(
TG: thats actually for real whats going on
GG: Look, if you want me to play along, that's fine, but don't go thinking you can pull the wool over my eyes.
GG: Also, you should probably be careful about including brand names as villains in your stories. I don't mind since it's all in good fun, but it could be misconstrued as libel.

Your mouth is agape as you stare at the screen. Maybe she doesn't know you well enough yet to trust you without question, but how could she not know her family line includes an evil space seamonster? (Even if she hasn't known you long, it still fucking hurts that she'd think you're trying to prank her when you're spilling your life story.

You take a long swig from the nearest bottle before recounting the conversation to Dirk in equal parts rage and self-pity.

TT: Yeah, she didn't seem the sort to believe any of that without pretty hard evidence.
TG: but why would i blslshit that to her???
TG: *bs
TG: shes gotmta know by now that i dont tirck ppl for hsits and iggles thats her thign
TG: *TOO MUCH TO FIX
TT: She's just skeptical. It's a character flaw. Jake, meanwhile, would believe you if you told him it fucking rains cotton candy every other Wednesday. Don't take it too personally.
TT: It may be safer for them if they're kept in the dark until it's relevant anyway. We don't want them targeted by the Batterwitch early.
TG: bluuuuuuuh
TT: I realize this usually encourages you to do the opposite as I say, but do me a favor for real here, Rox, and keep our situation a secret from them for now.
TT: That's not a command, you'll note, it's a goddamn plea. You've made me resort to this, Lalonde. Will you please let me be in charge of when to drop the fucking bomb of knowledge on them, tearing away the last of their childhood innocence in an apathetic explosion?
TG: well when you put it like that.....
TG: uuggh it still feels so shitty not telling them tho :(
TT: You don't have to lie. Just let them assume what they want and don't correct them.
TT: It's the perfect crime.
TG: if feeling like SHIT cos my frend thinks im a LIAR is perfect u mean
TT: For what it's worth, Jake would never think you're a liar if you told him.
TT: And Jane will believe you someday, Rox. Just give it time.

You hate when he's right. Not just because it's fun to burst his bubble when he's wrong, but because you get to feel like crap for not knowing better to begin with. He probably thinks you're an idiot for even trying to tell Jane.

It is better, though, sidestepping most of Jane's worst skepticism by virtue of not mentioning anything arguably suspicious. (It also helps when UU reminds you that Jane is convinced UU is roleplaying her alien identity as well, when you complain to her about it. It really is Jane's personality at work and not a slight against you in specific.)

The one remaining strike against all this new social interaction is how badly it makes you yearn to see someone face-to-face for once, even if it's through a stupid camera. Pesterchum is too simple for video or sound chat options, even when you sort through the code in hopes of adding it. Skype doesn't have nifty time traveling abilities. You're stuck with text, imagining tone and voices and gestures as best you can.

(You wish, not for the first or last time, that your appearifier could nab humans, but try as you might, the best you ever get is goo.)

Jake's the one to suggest a group selfie swap, when he hears your technology woes mean you can't manage a video chat of any sort. You second the motion in all caps and the other two, rather more reluctantly, agree with a little coaxing. UU's the only one who puts her foot down with so much self-conscious babbling that you don't push the matter.

You spend an hour in the bathroom, studying your reflection in the mirror and practicing poses with your best smile. You're cute as shit, you've always liked how you looked, but you've never had to impress someone else before and you're overcome with uncertainty as you hold up the camera.

You take twenty shots before you find one you're satisfied with. Even then, you hope beauty standards from four centuries ago aren't about to bite you in the ass as you send the file. Two of the others have already sent theirs and you download them with glee.

Dirk's photo is the same ironic crap he always sends you, unsmiling and filtered five times over. You admire it for a few minutes anyway. My, my, my, those are some niiiiice muscles on his arms.

Jane's "selfie" is actually a family photo. She's an adorable thing in red glasses, smiling wide to show off the buckteeth you've seen rendered in emoticon form so many times. Your eyes stray to the other figure in the photo and, hubba-hubba, that is one fine father she's got there.

Jake pops online as you're admiring Mr. Crocker's professional attire -- noted: men in suits look v. nice -- and sends the last photo with a quick apology for being late. You can see why it took him a while. He's set up the most exaggerated action pose he probably could have, as if the camera caught him in the midst of an epic battle with his pistols drawn. His muscles are leaner than Dirk's, which is just as well since they match his cute face better, and his backside is ever so helpfully facing the camera as he swivels his waist like a movie heroine.

Jane's chat window interrupts your viewing of Jake's fine assets. Poo, at least it's saved to your hard drive for later.

GG: Well, well, someone's a cutie and never told me! :B Nice scarf, by the by.
TG: ty~
TG: youve got room to brag urself crocker
GG: Oh, gosh, I don't know about that. We just hired a very good photographer, I think!
TG: and so modeeeest
TG: even cuter <3
GG: Shush.
GG: Oh my, I knew Dirk was all about "cool" shades, but I'm not sure I'd have ever imagined that he wore... that particular design.
TG: rofl i know right?
TG: asshole pulls it off tho is the worst part
GG: He truly does! Must be all that personified irony at work.
TG: omg tho jakes so dorkily dashing
TG: watch out imma swoon
TG: ~swoon~
GG: Haha, yes, hahahaha, I suppose he is, in a certain way, if you choose to look at it that way!
TG: nah hes just plain hot stuff end o story
GG: Well if you insist!! Hahahahahahaha! Not that I'd know much! You're the boy expert here!
TG: janey
TG: u actin kinda weird here
GG: Hmmmmm I don't think I am!
TG: no u def are
TG: janey jane jane jaaaane
TG: is there somethin ur not telling me
TG: about our lovely island boy?
GG: Whatever do you mean, Lalonde? I think you're the one acting odd here!
GG: I mean I can't deny he's lovely and plenty charming beyond that and conveniently in our age group...
TG: !!!
GG: No, don't you aim those exclamation marks at me!
TG: omg janey ur crushing on him too
TG: dont even deny or i will turn into a bigger skeptic than u just watch me
GG: Ohhhh, chucklefuck!
GG: Maybe I am, so what? :( That's hardly a big deal, is it?
TG: awww its ok janey ive got a hankering for some english myself ~wink~
GG: D:
GG: Please don't ask him out!!
GG: I know I really, really ought to say something to him, but... I just keep freezing up!
TG: shh shhhhh dont u worry ur lil lovesick head
TG: by honor of the girl code i will not ask out that hot piece of ass before u can
TG: ok?
GG: Really?
GG: Oh dear lord, thank you!! You're such a good friend, Roxy.
TG: duh i am!!! ;)

Damn, fuck, shit, crap, fuckity poop. Two boys in your life, both you'd be more than happy to mack on, and neither are an option. (Oh, and UU's brother, you guess, but you'd rather marry a bathtub than even consider touching such a sorry excuse for intelligent life.)

You're glad you bowed out as fast you did, though, after you figure out a certain Strider might also be harboring romantic feelings towards the only other available bachelor around. Jane's going to have her hands full enough as it is just competing against Dirk. You hope the war for Jake's affections won't be too brutal and that Jane will at least get up the courage to tell him instead of watching silently as Dirk swoops him off his feet.

Not that you're taking sides; you just can't help rooting for the underdog. The same as you can't help being a good friend even when you almost wish you were a little more selfish. Just a little.

Chapter Text

This is absolutely not how you wanted to see your first human.

You don't even know why Jane is on Derse, let alone bleeding out of a significant wound in her torso. Dirk is lying unconscious right next to her (the unhelpful fuck) and everything is in chaos for whatever goddamn reason. All you know is that if you don't kiss Jane, stat, she might not wake up again.

They're both so much... denser in real life. Solid. Three-dimensional. You wish you had time to really take them in.

You kneel by Jane and place your hands on a real live (okay, dead) human being for the first time. She's both heavier and more pliant than you imagined. And warm. The sensation makes you drop her in surprise. You instead lean in beside her and prepare to pucker up. Blood seeps out of her mouth.

You freeze. You have to put your mouth on this. You have to press your lips against a warm, squishy, dead, bleeding human.

You. Can. Not. Do. This.

But your best friend is relying on you. All of your friends are. If you lose Jane, you're sunk. If you lose Jane, you'll never forgive yourself.

You close your eyes and try to imagine that she's one of the boys -- you've always wanted to kiss one of them, right? You move in, hoping you don't miss, and wrench back. Ugh, ew, ew, ew, ew, gross. Still no good. You wouldn't want to kiss the boys like this either.

You struggle, trying to force yourself to just do it and get it over with; just one quick smooch and you never have to taste someone else's blood again if you don't want to- okay, that is not fucking helping, you still can't do this, even though you have to, you fucking have to, do it do it do it, fuuuuuuuck why did no one warn you that dead humans are disgusting?

There's movement beside you but you don't open your eyes to check on it until the newly awoken Dirk shoves you aside. He doesn't hesitate for even half a second to lift Jane's mouth to his and lock lips. You watch in dismay: the one time he'll kiss a girl and she's dead. (The gay guy who's also never touched another human could kiss Jane when you couldn't.)

He wipes the blood off his mouth with a sleeve as he straightens, leaving Jane's corpse on the ground. He grabs you, hauls you both onto his hoverboard, and sets you behind him, telling you to hold on tight. You wrap your arms around his torso.

Oh. This is what a human is supposed to feel like.

He's warmer than Jane, but maybe that's just due to proximity. More importantly, you can feel his back muscles adjust, his shoulders rise and fall with each breath, his pulse race...

The hoverboard shoots up at such high speeds that he wraps an arm around your waist to keep you steady as you leave Derse. Somehow that small warmth around your back is the best sensation you've ever felt.

Air hits your face so hard that you can barely breathe, but you can't stop grinning as you shoot past meteors at exhilarating speeds. You could get used to this. You could get used to this on so many levels.

Dirk's every movement is amazing and you wish he'd adjust more just so you can study it, visually and kinesthetically, but mostly he just shifts his weight to keep balance. You rest your head against his shoulder. That he's attractive is only the smallest fraction of your interest right now; you're far more focused on the "human" and "alive" aspects.

He calls for your attention once you reach some odd ruins. There's Jane, in her pretty golden Prospit gown, alive and well and completely unaware she's due to be literally swept off her feet.

You nab her, wrapping your arm snugly around her back, and this time you relish in her warm squishiness as she clings to you with both hands. She's not limp and bleeding; she's squirming and breathing and holding onto you with everything she's got- and, okay, she's screaming and clearly not a fan of the hoverboard, but holy shit, that's her voice! That's what she sounds like!

You laugh. "Jane, shut up, this is fucking amazing!"

"You are both out of your damn minds!" she shouts at you.

You aren't sure what exactly conspires after you make a landing, but it involves a bucket of water, an unconscious Jake, and (somehow) Dirk's severed head. All you can do is stare with your mouth agape, which is just as well considering Dirk told you both to keep it down. It's still a better introduction to Jake than you had with Jane, all things considered: he's alive and moving and talking to a pair of glasses and he's just as much of a goofy little cutie as you imagined.

He yelps when he spots you and that's all you get for introductions at first. You all have to finish the game prep, readying the kernelsprite and cruxite dowel for entry, before the place is overtaken by the local active volcano.

There's only time to breathe once you're teleported safely into the medium. You gaze around with wide eyes. There's land as far as the eye can see, and hills, and grass. You'd had a glimpse of real land on Jake's island, but it was still surrounded by water and everything was so frantic you forgot to pay attention anyway.

The presence of plantlife and earth is almost enough to distract you from the awe that is sharing presence with other humans. Almost.

"Roxy, what are you doing?" Jane wrinkles her nose as you pat her shoulders, and her face, and- oh, wow, her hair is soft.

"Admiring you, sweetie!"

"Uh. Yes, you're quite admirable too." She pats your shoulder -- you had no idea such a soft pressure could feel so comforting when applied by an outside force -- and bats your hand away, smiling awkwardly.

Jake clears his throat and straightens his jacket out. "Well, now that most of the hullabaloo has settled down, I guess it's only right we exchange proper greetings." He holds his hand out in such a way that any one of you could take it as an invitation. "Jake English."

You grin. "Oh my god, Jake, no one's questioning your identity." You wait long enough to give the other two dibsies if they want it, then snatch up his hand. He is just as warm as the others, though his hand is hard and scratchy compared to Jane's soft and squishy palms. His life doesn't depend on it, but his grip is almost as firm as Jane's was when you snatched her onto the hoverboard.

He jumps when you move your free hand up his arm -- movies do not remotely get across how startling that sudden twitch is in real life -- and you draw back on instinct, waiting for him to relax before you move in to see if his face is as calloused as his hands. It's not; it's soft again.

His mouth twitches into an odd smile and he leans back a little. "Er, well this is certainly intimate!" He laughs. "I suppose that's a hint I should offer up a hug or something?"

You gasp. "Omigawd, can we?"

He rubs the back of his head. "Well, it's hardly a big deal, is-" His smile fades and his eyes widen. "Wait a hopping horsefire minute! Roxy, have you never had a hug before?"

You raise an eyebrow. "Where the hell would I have gotten one of those?"

He holds an arm wide open. "Good golly, get your tush over here then! I haven't had one since my Grandma died, but she taught me how to give pretty good ones, I'd wager!"

"Aw, hell yeah!" You throw your arms around him with enough force he lets out an "oof!" before wrapping an arm around your back. It feels just as secure as Dirk's arm on your back had been. You press your face against his warm, warm, solid, human shoulder. "Am I doin' it right?"

"Uh, I suppose there's not really a wrong way to give a hug, but... if I may advise how to improve your hugging technique, you might want to move your right arm around my torso instead of pinning my arm."

You pull your arm back and slide it between his arm and his side before pressing against him again. "Like this?"

He beams. "That's the ticket! And... from here you can just squeeze a bit, or if you'd like you can rub my back," he rubs yours in demonstration, "or give it a firm, manly pat." He pats you and you're not sure how the sensation of getting smacked on the shoulderblade can feel good, but wow, that actually feels good.

This is the greatest thing in the history of ever. You squeeze him again and rub along his back.

He laughs and returns the favor. "By golly, I think you're getting the hang of it! Just what the doctor ordered for a fellow who hasn't gotten a good hug in ten years!"

"Only bad hugs to be found on that island of yours, eh?" You smirk.

He sighs. "Oh, all right, there were no hugs."

You nod, savoring the sensation of pressing your face against his warmth. "So how long abouts can these last?"

"They're normally not this long, but since we're taking it step-by-step, we can just treat it as a slow motion hug!"

"It is, um," Jane says. "It is a teensy bit awkwardly long and intimate, for a first meeting, isn't it?"

Oh, right, fuck, even if it's platonic, you're still snuggling her crush. And, uh, apparently Dirk's boyfriend, though he hasn't said anything. You detangle your arms from Jake and hope that's the right way to end a hug.

Jake lets out a huff, giving you one last pat on the shoulder. "Well, I was enjoying it fine. After all, it's a far sight better than introduction via frenching a decapitated head!"

Jane's expression contorts in disgust but Dirk doesn't even flinch.

"Dude, you frenched it?"

Jake's face reddens. "Th-that's none of your beeswax, Strider!"

"Think it kinda is. Spill it, bro. Don't make me ask the Auto-Responder."

You step aside to give Dirk room as he moves in on Jake, smirking just a touch. You settle next to Jane as the boys begin their friendly bickering.

You watch them a moment -- Jake gestures with his hands when he talks, while Dirk barely moves more than to cock his head, and they move so differently you can scarcely believe they're the same species -- before you decide that hug was not remotely enough.

You chew on your lower lip. "So, Jane? Is it too intimate to hug you?"

"Heavens no, so long as you don't get grabby below the belt," she says with a wink.

You snort. "Nah, even I ain't doing that."

You wrap your arms around her with more caution than you did with Jake, trying to make sure you recreate the position he complimented you on. Jane squeezes you and you let out an excited sound. You probably could have kissed her if dead humans felt like this, but half of what feels so fantastic about it is the gentle signs of life: Jane's breath on your shoulder, the steady rise and fall of chest, and the small beat of her heart pressed against yours.

"Not bad for my second time, hmm?" you say.

She grins. "Not at all! But Jake forgot to tell you about the swaying." She leans one way, then the other, keeping the hug tight enough that you sway with her. "Can't let you go without knowing what a swaying hug is like." She lets out a little laugh and, hooolyyyy shiiiit, she really does sound like she says "hoo-hoo" instead of "ha-ha," even offline.

She humors you for a long time, and you're so content you even manage to hold back a snicker when you hear Jake loudly whisper, "Well, I wasn't going to friggin' well risk it wasn't a deep enough kiss to bring you back to life, was I?" You only disentangle yourself from Jane when Dirk says you should all be getting a move on and exploring the game proper.

You're inclined to agree, except you've already started a trend and it wouldn't feel right if you didn't finish it. "First." You hold your arms out to him. "Dirk!"

"No."

You blow a raspberry. "Aw, get that stick out of your ass! You've never had a hug either!"

"Still no." He rests a hand on his waist. "If I have to keep something up my ass to take a pass on your chill physical greetings, so be it."

"Oh, come on, give the gal a hug!" Jake smacks Dirk's shoulder. "Heaven knows, you look like you could use it."

For half a second you'd swear Dirk tenses at the physical contact, but if he did, he's recovered in the next half second. He turns to you. "Ten seconds, Ro-Lal. We can't waste more time than that."

You snap your arms around him immediately, knowing he will keep damn close count on those ten seconds if you take it slow.

Oh boy. You can see why he was hesitant to accept your offer. His arms snake around you with fake confidence, but he clearly doesn't know what to actually do with them besides touch them against your sides. Dirk fucking Strider has no idea how to hug and you will embarrass the shit out of him if you point that out.

You just squeeze him without comment. It's not as exciting when there's no wind blowing through your hair as you fly from Derse, but hoverboard or no, you could stand to soak in his body heat for an hour.

He gives you ten seconds.

You hold back a sigh as he removes himself from your grip. Oh well. That was good enough. (You can't wait 'til he realizes he's gotta hug and worse with Jake if they're gonna be boyfriends.)

Throughout the rest of the day, you catch hands with whoever will humor you, exploring the lines on their palms and searching out their pulse and clinging to their warmth. You squeeze Jane's hand and she squeezes back, exchanging smiles with you.

Your name is Roxy Lalonde and you think humans are amazing.