Chapter Text
Things were not the same. Lapis wasn’t sure why she had expected them to be. It was a foolish thought, but invariably the one that had brought her home. Maybe that counted for something. It probably didn’t.
Lapis had expected her return to the Earth to be a happy occasion. The happiest moment of her life. Peridot would run to her, they would embrace and fight for their home together. Once and for all they would be reunited in the way that Lapis had dreamed about since she’d left. A happy needed hug and a shared since of comfort. Lapis was home. The very thought had lit her up, a feeling only ever experienced before when she had been physically with Peridot. The thought was even more exciting when she had finally started rushing back to the little planet, the barn held in her sturdy grip floating just behind of her.
They would take Steven’s advice. Move the barn onto the beach and spend their days with the crystal gems. They’d retire to the barn at night, creating meep morps and cuddling in the hammock. Pumpkin would run between their feat, barking happily and bringing smiles to the two gems’ faces.
Lapis could finally tell Peridot how much she meant to her and Peridot would return the favor. Their confessions would be long overdue, but perfect nonetheless.
They would spend all their time together, happy and free. Sharing their days in the very barn where they had built a relationship from nothing.
The barn being destroyed in the fight was a hamper in Lapis’s plan, but not the end of it. They could rebuild the barn. Make it bigger and better. It would be a good thing in the long run. Her and Peridot’s relationship would grow as they started fresh, the painful memories of Lapis’s leaving gone with the old barn. They would learn to trust each other again. More than they had in the past. No more secrets and no more fears.
They would depend on each other. Love each other.
Lapis’s apology would fix Peridot’s heartache and Lapis would finally allow herself to smile without checking her back to see where the next danger was coming from. They would fix themselves with the help of the other. They would become an unstoppable team bonded by a connection so strong it was almost as if they were fused. Maybe one day Lapis would actually let Peridot fuse with her for real.
Life was supposed to go back to how it had been before Lapis had made the horrible mistake of leaving. The only difference this time around would be how much better their relationship would be now that she would promise to never leave Peridot again. How much better life would be now that Lapis allowed herself to trust in the world around her. Life was going to be so much better after the diamonds would be gone and Lapis would have finally have told Peridot how much she loved her.
But none of that happened.
Lapis sat on the beach, wet sand getting uncomfortably stuck between her toes and the surf running over the fabric of her skirt making it soggy. The ocean was a harsh reminder of all the things that she had done wrong on this planet. Being forced back as an informant only to land on this very beach, angry and bitter, fusing with jasper for months and forcing her to the depths of this very sea, further sending her mind into a black hole, and, more loudly running through her thoughts than all of her other mistakes, leaving Peridot alone with nowhere to go but the house that lay in the sand behind her.
Lapis had watched Peridot with that cursed orb on the moon grieve here, on this very beach where she herself now sat, more times than she could bear. The little green gem’s eyes would stare out into the ocean deep in thought while the rest of the crystal gems watched from a far, unsure of what to say or how to say it. While Lapis watched from even farther, hating herself for doing this to Peridot. Doing this to herself.
She had been selfish. She was selfish for sacrificing Peridot’s happiness for her own half hearted attempt at safety. She was selfish for not thinking about how Peridot would feel. What Peridot would want. She was even more selfish as she sat watching on the moon, getting jealous in the few moments when Peridot mustered any sense of happiness. Selfish for feeling frustrated when she realized she no longer had the green gem as a comfort. Selfish for missing the very thing she had destroyed herself without a second thought.
When she saw the two ships of the diamonds approaching from afar, working their way towards the blue and green planet, she found a wholly unexpected bubble of emotion. The fear she had expected, anticipated, at seeing the two ships she knew contained the diamonds themselves lasted for only a split moment. What overcame that fear almost instantly was the same voice that had brought her crawling back to the moon mere days after fleeing it once more.
The words Peridot has said to her before she had fled like a coward had bounced across her mind. She let herself listen to the words, her heart aching as she heard the gem she loved’s voice bounce across the forefront of her mind. I can win Lapis told herself, repeating Peridot’s voice, and she flew as fast as she could back, barn in her grip. She had thought that that would be enough.
She had fought alongside Peridot. For Peridot. Maybe as an apology, maybe as a newfound declaration of strength.
Either way she had thought it would be enough. She had proved herself right? She came back. She came home. Ran back to Earth when she saw those ships which had struck so much fear into her heart passing her at a remarkable speed.
She had thought it would fix things.
When she had reformed, after spending days arguing with herself about whether she should add a star to her look yet, she had expected a happy reunion and then things to be back to the way they had been. And when she finally did reform and was immediately placed eye to eye in front of Peridot she was sure of it. The green gem had been waiting for her.
Peridot’s eyes darted downward after her reforming, to the star that looped the length of her waist on the skirt in place of where her diamond had lay. Her mouth tightened as she looked, spreading into a thin line.
Lapis herself took the moment to look at Peridot’s new form. A large yellow star sat proudly on her chest. Lapis smiled, it suited her.
Before Lapis could further look at Peridot the gem in question blushed heavily, and turned on her heels. She ran outside to the beach without a word and Lapis watched through the window, dumbfounded, as Peridot sat herself down on the same rock she always did to stare into the sea.
Before Lapis could even take a step toward the door to follow Garnet told her to stop.
“Give her time,” she had said, voice cold and defensive.
Lapis looked into the fusion’s face before turning back to Peridot. She sat down where she stood onto the floor of the beach house with a heavy hurt in her chest.
**
Lapis and Peridot did not speak for days. They danced around each other, taking turns approaching the other only for one of them to run away in a fit of emotion. Usually that someone was Peridot, and usually she would run outside to sit on her rock leaving Lapis to her own self loathing.
Lapis was constantly reminded of her stupidity. Why had she thought things would go back to how they were? Why would she think she deserved Peridot’s trust again after fleeing like a coward and leaving Peridot on her own?
She spent most of her time thinking back to that moment, looking down into Peridot’s hurt face as she flew away with their home.
It was like she had never left the damn moon at all.
Lapis wanted to isolate herself again, she deserved no friendship and no emotional relief. Not after the way she had hurt Peridot enough for her to be stunned into silence. Not after she had expected things to be the same in such a foolish, selfish manner.
But she feared more than ever of hurting Peridot further. So she stayed in the beach house, avoiding the drama of dealing with the diamonds to instead watch Peridot from afar, longing to properly apologize to her but not sure how to do so.
Steven was doing his best to cheer the two when he was not busy with the diamonds. Separately of course, making Peridot laugh on the beach and trying his best to give Lapis any form of amusement inside the house.
Lapis appreciated the gesture but found it only made her all the worse. She should be talking to Peridot, apologizing and fixing this herself. It was not Steven’s job to fix the mess she had made. It was not Steven’s job to repair the emotional damage she had caused.
Lapis tried to talk to Peridot again. She had lost track of how long it had been since either of them had made any attempt to speak to the other and Lapis found herself shaking from nervousness as she walked outside. The steps creaked loudly under her first step, and Peridot turned to look back at her. They caught each other’s eyes for the first time in a very long while. Lapis froze, unable to move until Peridot turned back around, pushing around sand with her toes.
Before Lapis could reach Peridot’s spot on the beach she found herself sitting in the sand at the edge of the water. Digging her toes into the sand and letting the cold ocean water rush over her skirt. The spot she had been reflecting back on the past few weeks in for a long while now.
Her heart was pounding loudly in her chest she realized as she snapped herself out of her daze. The space was so tense between them, Lapis felt like she could choke on the air, and she might as well had had she needed to breathe. She pushed some sand off of her feet, heart aching painfully.
Lapis took a deep breath, raising her eyes from her shaky hands to stare out into the ocean herself. The waves rolled lazily over one another, too peaceful and calm for how incredibly anxious Lapis was feeling.
Her mind was rushing, overflowing, with negative thoughts. She had hurt Peridot. She had thought simply coming home would fix everything. She was the idiot who couldn’t even get out an apology to the gem she had hurt despite how much she cared for her.
She wanted to shatter herself in that moment. Instead she forced herself to open her mouth. Peridot at least deserved Lapis's attempt.
In a chocked breath she let out a weak apology.
“I’m so sorry,” she muttered into the ocean, hoping Peridot was listening.
Apparently she was, because after a few moments of tense silence she got a chocked sob in return.
Lapis’s eyes widened at the sound, and she quickly turned her head to look at the small green gem. She had folded in on herself, bringing her face into her knees to cry.
Lapis wanted to run. She couldn’t take this anymore. She couldn’t sit here and watch the disaster she had created. Peridot didn’t deserve to go through the pain of having be around Lapis. Lapis didn’t deserve the beauty of getting to be around Peridot.
Lapis hopped to her feet, wings emerging, and she was ready to fly away again. Find somewhere, some how to finally shatter herself.
Before she could get a step in though Steven had grabbed her hand, squeezing it tightly with a somber smile on his face.
“C’mon,” he said softly, voice almost lost to the constant sound of the crashing waves, “You two have a lot to talk about,”
Lapis looked up into the sky, to the softly glowing moon, before letting Steven lead her over to the softly crying gem.