Work Text:
The gummi ship touched down in a parking lot in the middle of a city. Merlin handed Kairi an address scribbled on a piece of paper. “I have a friend in town who probably won’t mind you hanging out with them. I’ll be by to pick you up later. There’s a certain organization I have to speak with. No, not that one,” he said hastily at their confused looks. “An organization without a cool acronym. It’s a very long, very classified story.” This did nothing to satisfy their curiosity, but Merlin had already vanished.
The wizard watched them walk away, heading to the Flynn-Fletcher residence, and Merlin let the Vanish spell go. Flickering back into sight, he sighed and took out another piece of paper, the request of assistance from the Organization Without a Cool Acronym.
“‘…have recently come across a threat that is a danger to our world, your name was fourth on the list of contacts, after…’ Well, Xehanort wasn’t exactly going to help them, Eraqus died twelve years ago, and I assume if they got into contact with Yen Sid, he would have forwarded them to me anyway. Now, what were the pickup instructions? Ah, yes. ‘Fifth streetlight at corner of Broad and Main.’”
He walked over to the streetlight in question and scratched his head. “Now are they sending a car, or..?”
The ground beneath his feet opened up, and before he could realize what was happening, he was hurtling through a series of tubes. Through the clear walls, he could see that he wasn’t the only one travelling through this network. A miniature panda, a cat, a snail, and a very-uncomfortable looking gnu all shot past him to parts unknown. Merlin sighed. He thought OWCA had learned its lesson after the fiasco with the guinea pigs. Evidently not. If anything, they’ve doubled down, he thought to himself as a potted fern flew past him.
He had been in the tube network for what felt like hours when it finally deposited him in a white room holistically organized with a vast array of presumably top-secret devices and weaponry. On the far wall, a large screen dominated the room, and the attention of the small being sitting in a desk chair underneath it. The being glanced up and made a chittering noise as Merlin entered, before turning its attention back to the screen. To Merlin’s resignation, the being appeared to be an example of Ornithorhynchus anatinus, better known as the duck-billed platypus. Aside from its uncommon alertness, this particular platypus was set apart from the rest of the species by its classy, 1940s-style fedora.
On the screen appeared the face of a man in military uniform. The man was old enough to have grey hair, though there was something odd-looking about his hair and voluminous moustache, almost as if they weren’t real. The man’s nose also extended at a weird angle. Merlin shook himself out of the not-very-flattering describing of the man’s face, and listened to what he was saying.
“Ah, good morning, Agent P. The evil Dr. Doofenshmirtz is… actually, we’re not quite sure what he’s up to. He hasn’t been cackling evily over whatever it is that he’s planning, so our surveillance devices have given us nothing.
“However, we did get an image of something that our database flagged as a ‘code red’. And when I say our database, I mean a certain overeager intern who plays too many video games in his free time.” The man glared over towards the side of the screen.
A much younger man with curly brown hair and glasses that could generously be described as “nerdy” leaned into the frame. “But sir, the giant glowing keyhole-shaped thing looks like something right out of Principality–”
“Video games aren’t real, Carl!” the man admonished. Carl pulled his head out of the frame, chastened, and the man continued as an aside to the platypus, “Honestly. Bright kid, but he needs to get his head out of the clouds.
“Anyway, the strange man in your lair is a consultant we called in on the off chance that Carl is actually right and we are looking at a potentially world-ending catastrophe here. His name is Merlin. And yes, I know he’s a human, not a bird, but just roll with it, Agent P.”
Merlin cleared his throat. “Sir, you seem to have me at a disadvantage.”
The man blinked in surprise. “Oh, yes of course. I am Major Monogram of OWCA, and this is Perry the Platypus, though while he’s on duty you must refer to him as ‘Agent P’.”
Perry rolled his eyes at the last statement, though he took care to do so out of Monogram’s line of sight.
“Now, as I was saying. Figure out what, if anything, Doofenshmirtz is up to, and put a stop to it. Good luck, Agent P.” The screen flickered off, and Perry hopped out of his chair, motioning for Merlin to follow him. He led the way over to a small garage, then seemed to realize most of his vehicles were platypus sized. He gave Merlin an apologetic grimace.
“Oh, no, that’ll be fine, I can simply…” Merlin waved his walking stick and shrunk down to a size similar to Perry’s. The platypus raised an eyebrow, impressed.
“Hm? Oh, right, Monogram didn’t mention. My full title is Merlin the Wizard. And that’s not hyperbole.”
The car dropped them off in front of a tall, purple building with a silver dome on top and a single story offset from the rest of it. Merlin grew himself back to his regular height, and Perry waved him through the front door.
“We’re just walking in the front?” Merlin asked.
Perry shrugged. Merlin caught the meaning that if this Doofenshmirtz was actually up to nothing, it wouldn’t do to break into his place of residence.
Perry led the way to an elevator, and the two rode it up to the top floor. Upon reaching it, a chime dinged and sang out, “Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated!” Merlin looked at Perry, who shrugged again. At least he remained on-brand.
Merlin followed Perry to one of the doors in the hallway. Perry made to kick down the door, but it swung open upon contact with his foot. It was dark within the room, and they tread cautiously, not wanting to make a sound.
That lasted all of five seconds before a pair of floor tiles flipped up and pinned them both in place. Perry’s arms were trapped to his sides, but Merlin was tall enough that it only extended to his knee, and only on his right leg. Platypus-sized, of course.
The lights flashed on. “Perry the Platypus, I thought we agreed on this after the whole Peter the Panda fiasco: No inviting new people to our confrontations without consulting each other first!” The speaker was a middle-aged man in a white lab coat, black turtleneck, and green trousers, bent over in a painful-looking hunch. He had an extremely oversized nose and messy brown hair.
Perry shook his head, waving his hands in front of himself.
“What’s that?” Perry gesticulated more. “Oh, Monogram sent him?” Perry nodded. “Oh, well then I’m sorry for assuming, Perry the Platypus. Nothing you could do. Hello,” he added, turning to Merlin. “My name is Doctor Heinz Doofenshmirtz. I’m Perry the Platypus’s nemesis, and the future ruler of the entire tri-state area!”
“Merlin. The Wizard. Pleased to… meet you. Look,” Merlin said. “Would you mind getting this ridiculous contraption off of my leg?”
“Oh, I’m so sorry!” Doofenschmirtz said. “Wait one moment, I can fix you up in just a sec.” He moved off towards a doorway in the side of the room. There was a sign on the door that read
OLD –INATORS
There was a second, smaller sign beneath it that read
NOT MULTIPLE OLD–INATORS, –INATORS THAT ARE OLD
“He’s not going to release me, is he.” Merlin deadpanned. Perry shook his head.
“Perry the Playtpus, you remember the Straitjacket-inator, right?” Doofenshmirtz wheeled out a small, rectangular metal box with a cylinder embedded in the top. At the press of a button on his watch, the cylinder raised up on a jointed arm. A muffled explosion erupted from the end, and Merlin found himself wrapped in a straitjacket.
“And that’s why we don’t let things go to waste!” Doofenschmirtz proudly declared.
“Wonderful,” Merlin grumbled. Perry grimaced apologetically.
“Now, Perry the Platypus – and friend – I’m sure you’re wondering nefarious scheme I have conjured up today!” Doofenshmirtz said, raising his arms to encompass the room. Perry tensed. “Well, I’m afraid… today I’m not actually up to anything evil. I think.” Perry blinked, confused.
“You see, Perry the Platypus, I may be an evil scientist, but I am, first and foremost, a scientist!” Doofenschmirtz considered his words. “Well, I guess first I’m evil, then I’m a scientist? If I’m an ‘evil scientist’, then the first word is… evil… Regardless! I am a scientist! And that means, Perry the Platypus, that I have a certain scientific curiosity about the world around me. Especially…” he pressed another button on his watch and the floor panel traps sprouted wheels. Doofenshmirtz led the way out onto his building’s sizable balcony. “Things like this!”
Merlin’s mouth dropped open. Hovering in the air over Doofenshmirtz’s building was a large, glowing, angular shape cut out of thin air.
It was the Tri-State Area’s Keyhole.
As far as he could tell, it was still sealed, thankfully. But Doofenshmirtz continued.
“I was doing my usual morning exercises when all of a sudden I noticed… this!” Doofenshmirtz gestured at the Keyhole. “And I have no idea what it is! So of course, my curiosity was piqued!”
Perry evidently didn’t know what it was either; that, or he was completely calm under pressure. He chittered.
“Yes, exactly, Perry the Platypus, it looks like a giant keyhole! So, obviously, the logical thing to do would be to try and open it!” Doofenshmirtz walked over to a large tarp draped over something. “Behold! The Unlock-inator!” He whipped the tarp off to reveal a large cannon barrel atop a tiny cart. Small flanges on the top of the barrel made it vaguely resemble a skeleton key. He grinned, sheepishly. “You remember the whole incident with the Key-Find-inator? Where I tried to steal all those keys so I could unlock every door in the city?” Perry nodded. “Ha ha, yeah, well, seems a bit like overkill in retrospect. I could have just built one of these.”
“No, you fool!” Merlin gasped. “If you open the Keyhole, you have no idea what horrors you’ll unleash!”
Doofenshmirtz and Perry both stared at him. “Sheesh. Where did Monogram find this guy?” Doofenshmirtz asked. Perry shrugged as best he could with his arms pinned.
“Well, anyway, this is going to take some time, so if you feel the need to foil me, Perry the Platypus, it’s going to take about five minutes to charge up. But, I’m not really doing anything evil, am I?” Doofenshmirtz threw his head back and laughed. “There’s nothing you can morally do to stop me!”
Perry indicated the traps.
“That’s different, you were breaking and entering. No probable cause.”
Perry chittered.
“History of criminal activity is not grounds for warrantless search and you know it, Perry the Playtpus!”
Perry huffed. “Yeah, yeah, just sit there and be mad about it,” Doofenshmirtz sneered, rolling his eyes. “I’ll let you out after I’m done with sciencing.”
He walked over to a lawn chair set up next to the Unlock-inator and pulled out a magazine. Merlin turned to Perry. “We must stop this! Unlocking the Keyhole will spell disaster for your entire world!”
Perry raised an eyebrow. Merlin decided to ignore the fact that platypuses don’t have eyebrows. Instead, he sighed. “Look. I believe it is evident that I’m not from your world. The magic might have tipped you off.”
Perry nodded. Merlin continued. “Every person has a heart, although you might think of it more like a soul. World also have hearts. And they are concealed behind Keyholes such as that one.”
Perry blinked, stunned. “Exactly. And if the Keyhole is opened, your world becomes vulnerable to monsters we call Heartless. They will try to steal and consume the heart of your world, as well as the hearts of any people they come across. I do not believe it to be an understatement to say that this man’s idle curiosity could result in the complete destruction of your world!”
Perry considered this, and nodded. “You’ll help? Fantastic. Now, what do we do?” Merlin asked. Perry mimed something to him.
“What do you mean, ‘knock your hat off’?” Merlin said, confused.
Perry gave him a look. “Yes, yes, all right, your world, your rules,” Merlin grumbled. He bent over as best he could and used the tip of his own hat to flip Perry’s fedora off of his head. Perry nodded, and chittered. “Draw his attention?” Merlin asked, but Perry had returned to his wall-eyed appearance.
Merlin shrugged, as best he could in the straitjacket. “Doctor? I say, Doctor! Could you come over here for a second?”
Doofenshmirtz looked up from his magazine. “What, what is it now? I’m sorry about the trap, most of my traps are platypus-sized. Obvious reasons. What is it you… want…” His eyes widened and he rushed over. “What? A platypus? But where did Perry the Platypus go?”
Merlin carefully schooled his face to betray none of the exasperation he was feeling. It helped that his arms were constrained, and that he couldn’t place his hand against his face.
“This is impossible! Perry the Platypus was in the trap! Where did this other platypus come from?” Doofenshmirtz wondered. He lifted his watch and was about to push the button that would open the traps, but stopped. “Ah! Ah! You almost got me!” he said, smugly, wagging a finger at Merlin. Carefully, he opened only the trap that contained the platypus.
“Now how did he get out?” Doofenshmirtz wondered, inspecting the trap. The platypus wandered away on all fours, in the direction of the Unlock-inator. “Knowing Perry the Platypus, he’s probably still around here somewhere. Can you hold on for a moment?” he asked Merlin. “I’m going to go look for him.”
“By all means, take your time,” Merlin ground out. Doofenshmirtz left the room, calling for Perry like one would a missing dog. As soon as he had left, Perry stood up, still hatless, and started poking at the Unlock-inator’s controls.
“Anything?” Merlin asked, and Perry chittered. “I wouldn’t have made the self-destruct button obvious, either,” Merlin replied. Perry shrugged. “What do you mean, ‘he always does’?” Merlin asked.
Doofenshmirtz came back into the room. “Well, he’s not in the bathroom, or the bedroom, or the kitchen, or the closet. I think.” At the same instant he entered, Perry flopped back down onto all fours, regaining his wall-eyed cover. “Oh well, he’ll show up. He always does. Like clockwork. No, really, I can set my watch by how long it takes for him to show up and foil me. Time to check on the Unlock-inator. Should done by now–”
He tripped, and fell flat on his face. “What the…” Perry had maneuvered himself so that he was tangled around Doofenshmirtz’s legs. “The platypus?”
Perry stood up and put his hat back on. “Perry the Platypus?!” Doofenshmirtz cried.
Merlin sighed. “Have you ever felt like you’ve walked in on someone else’s running gag?” he said to no one in particular.
“You’re too late, Perry the Platypus!” Doofenshmirtz yelled. “The Unlock-inator is charged and ready for use!” He pressed a button on his watch and the Unlock-inator emitted a beam of light that extended to touch the Keyhole. “In, another five minutes. Patience is a good thing to have even if you’re evil, Perry the Platypus.”
“You fool! You’ll doom us all!” Merlin cried.
“…Okay, seriously, is something going on?” Doofenshmirtz asked. “Because you need to chill. And normally I’d never say that unless I had some sort of… ice-based -inator or trap, but… seriously.”
Perry chittered. “…What do you mean it could destroy the world?” Doofenshmirtz asked, confused.
Merlin gave the explanation again. “…You’re kidding.” Doofenshmirtz said, dumbfounded. “You got that out of a videogame.”
“No, I assure you, it’s quite real, and quite serious,” Merlin insisted.
“And I’m telling you, you got that out of a video game. That’s not hyperbole. That’s a plot element from Square Enix’s award winning video game franchise, Principality Souls. My daughter Vanessa used to love those games,” he added as an aside. “I hear the third one is coming out soon.”
Perry chittered.
“What do you mean, ‘it’s actually the ninth’?”
“For Pete’s sake!” Merlin yelled. “You’re an evil scientist who gets foiled by a semi-aquatic egg-laying mammal twice a day! Is it really so far out of the realm of possibility that a random video game has the right of it?!”
Doofenshmirtz considered this, and turned to stare up at the Keyhole. “Oh. That’s… not good, is it?”
“No! No, it’s very not good! You might even say it’s bad!” Merlin hissed.
“Huh,” Doofenshmirtz said, and released the trap holding Merlin. Merlin shrugged off the straitjacket and cracked his neck. “Finally,” he grumbled.
Perry, meanwhile, had climbed back onto the Unlock-inator’s control panel. “Perry the Platypus, what are you doing?” Doofenshmirtz asked. Perry mimed an explosion. “Oh, a self-destruct button? It doesn’t… have one,” Doofenshmirtz said, trailing off.
Perry turned around and gaped at him. “What? You always exploit it whenever I add one, so I didn’t.” Doofenshmirtz turned his nose up. “I’d like to think I can learn from our encounters, Perry the Platypus.”
Perry facepalmed. The light from the Unlock-inator started to intensify.
“Is there anything we can do?” Merlin asked. He didn’t want to risk using his magic while the Unlock-inator was in contact with the Keyhole.
Perry frowned, thinking, then snapped his fingers. He motioned Doofenshmirtz over. “Yes, what is it?” Doofenshmirtz asked. “Ow!” Perry whirled around and slapped Doofenshmirtz’s wrist with his tail. “My watch?” Doofenshmirtz asked, seeing that Perry had slipped it off of him. Perry studied the watch for a second, then pressed a button.
With a mechanical whirr, the Straitjacket-inator rolled out onto the balcony. Perry pressed another button, and the Straitjacket-inator fired, wrapping the Unlock-inator in an oddly-fitted straitjacket.
It wasn’t enough. “Keep firing, keep firing!” Doofenshmirtz urged, and Perry mashed the button. Each shot wrapped another straitjacket around the Unlock-inator, building up layers and layers until it blocked the beam.
“Yes!” Doofenshmirtz crowed. “Yes!” He danced a bit too close to the Straitjacket-inator. “Ye-mmmmph!” A stray shot wrapped him in a straitjacket, binding him to the Unlock-inator. “Mmmmph! Mmmph!”
There was an ungodly whine coming from the Unlock-inator. “Oh, wonderful, now it’s going to explode,” Merlin muttered. Perry nodded, and gestured at it. “You’re right, I do have a solution,” Merlin declared. He flicked his sleeves back, and summoned his magic. “Aeroga!”
A gust of wind lifted the Unlock-inator, Doofenshmirtz and all, and carried it off the balcony. Doofenshmirtz managed to unravel himself to the point where he was trailing behind the Unlock-inator, rather than stuck directly to it, but he was still in midair, and unable to do anything besides scream, “CURSE YOU, MERLIN THE WIZARD AND PERRY THE PLA–” He soared over a backyard where four people with oddly-coloured hair, two native to the world and two not, were hard at work building a something. “Wait, are those Square Enix characters?”
“You two do this every day?” Merlin inquired. Perry shrugged. They had left the Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated building after Merlin had assured that the Keyhole was undamaged, and had reported in to Monogram. The Major had thanked Merlin for his services and had begrudgingly apologized to Carl for dismissing his concerns. Now, Merlin and Perry were walking back to the Flynn-Fletcher house, to drop Perry off and retrieve Lea and Kairi.
Perry shrugged. “Really? It’s a living?” Merlin responded. “Fascinating. Oh my,” he added, noting the massive structure in the Flynn-Fletcher backyard. “Now wherever did this come from?”
Perry chittered. “Your humans build these every day? Really. I suppose innovation truly never stops,” Merlin mused. Perry removed his hat and allowed Merlin to pick him up.
“Hello the backyard! Anyone there?” Merlin called, and entered the gate.
A curious job, but a job well done. If he did say so himself.