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Sometimes it takes a village, (the village being Phil and some oranges and an attempt at juggling), to make Dan laugh. It doesn’t always work all the time, sometimes nothing can be done, but Phil tries his best. Sometimes he just needs to be held and that’s okay, too. Phil will gladly hold Dan while their flat, London, this feeling, feels unfamiliar.
It would happen sooner or later, this feeling of not knowing how to deal with something not happening every day, not having a plan that they’ve stuck to for months on end.
They both feel different but the same. Phil always adjusts easier than Dan does and that’s okay, too.
“You are so bad,” Dan says to Phil with a small laugh, it’s Phil’s third attempt of juggling the oranges, Dan further tucking himself into the sofa. He’s got a blanket wrapped around him with his laptop nearby but he hasn’t opened it. He doesn’t feel the need to.
“Yeah, but I still did it,” Phil smiles, he places the oranges down on the end of the sofa, not wanting to leave Dan’s space.
Phil yanks his jacket off and then moves closer to Dan, bending down so their foreheads touch each other. Phil places a kiss to his forehead and then moves the blanket so he can get under too.
“You’re too dressed,” Dn says with a groan, but he finds himself wrapping his arms around him anyway.
“Yeah? I can go and change—“ Phil is about to get up and Dan shakes his head, tightening his grip.
“No, stay. I’ll live.”
This was nice, Phil thinks, being able to enjoy the others silence in the comfort of their own home. While it was true he didn’t miss it as much he thought he would on tour, there was this sense of security knowing that they can just do this. It wasn’t the same in hotel rooms and fancy airbnbs, it didn’t smell like them, it didn’t have things that made up them.
“We should watch something,” Phil suggests, reaching over to grab the remote.
“Okay,” Dan says, his cheek pressed against Phil’s side. He doesn’t really care what they watch as long as they’re doing it together. He settles on reruns of some show they’ve seen before. He doesn’t have enough energy for them to catch up on shows they’ve missed while they’ve been gone.
Every so often Dan will adjust his position and Phil will smooth his hand over Dan’s arm and then play with his hair, running through the newly cut curls. Dan’s grip on him doesn’t loosen until he feels him starting to fall asleep.
It brings Phil back to a time when they were much younger, when everything wasn’t always like this, when they had only small moments to be able to be able to be together because Phil’s parents would be coming soon from grocery shopping, or there were brothers that would come in rooms unannounced and they just weren’t ready for everyone to know yet. They just wanted this to be kept safe, in between them, for a little longer.
Dan would wrap himself around Phil like he was afraid he’d leave, maybe because the thoughts would be too loud, maybe Phil would see that Dan couldn’t always be here mentally—or just that he’d never be enough. Even when Phil would tell him that it didn’t matter to him, he just wanted whatever Dan gave him, any part of him. Now, it’s just because he wants to feel Phil close, it’s a comfort thing, and Phil’s never minded. He likes to be needed by Dan in this way. Dan trusts that Phil will keep him safe.
So Phil turns the volume on low and he watches the last of daylight turn into nighttime, and they sit in the dark, resting against each other, Phil still caressing the skin that he can touch with his thumb. Dan moves in his sleep, he can’t help it, and while it’s not the most comfortable position for Phil he manages.
Being home would feel different for a while, but he was grateful that they had each other to help adjust in such a familiar—unfamiliar space. Sometimes it just meant oranges, an attempt at juggling, and some cuddles.