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“Cool. Cool cool cool.”
“That’s a lie.”
Of course it was. Of course Abed was lying. He felt everyone’s eyes on him but he couldn’t focus on any of them. He couldn’t look. It wasn’t cool. It was the furthest thing from cool. His best friend wanted to leave. He was leaving. Abed felt Troy’s gaze on his shoulder. He couldn’t even look him in the eye, not that Abed was making it easy for him.
His chest felt cold and heavy as he slowly picked his head up to look Troy over. They met briefly before the other yanked his gaze away. The words he needed to say stuck in his throat. Heavy and suffocating and thick like putty. Not cool. Not cool cool cool.
Hours passed. Minutes? No it had to have been longer. The legal team was gone. The study group was gone. Save for the three of them. Mouth opening and closing again, Annie’s aborted attempt at conversation died on her lips as her eyes just moved between her friends. Troy’s hands were balled on the table, his gaze burning holes into the wood. Abed sat unblinking, looking at something no one else could fathom. The strangled attempt pulled Troy’s eyes to her and he blinked blankly a few times before he smiled weakly.
The day stretched into the evening in much the same way. Silence. Lonely silence and Abed couldn’t grasp why it was hurting so much to say goodbye. He’d said goodbye before. Plenty of times. His mother. His grandparents. Why was Troy any different. They played the part perfectly that day. Pretending git was cool. Pretending it was Fyne. It wasn’t. Nothing was good. Nothing was cool. He was fine. The buttered noodles were cold and tasteless on his tongue. The television flashed colors and pictures before them that he just couldn’t focus on.
Vaguely he heard Annie rise from her spot on the floor and claim tiredness. They both knew it was a lie. They didn’t need a fancy machine or a crackpot man to tell them as much. The cold silence stretched between them and Abed wanted to comment about the frost forming on his fingertips, but it wasn’t there. That wasn’t the reality anyone could see. The reality that could be seen was Troy and Abed, sitting side by side in their respective chairs with pain in their eyes. Neither saying a word.
Troy’s fingers clenched his fork tighter in an attempt to stop his shaking. Abed was vaguely reminded of soap opera dramas. The big news dropped. The closest of friends torn apart by a frigid wedge. He wanted to laugh. He wanted to throw his bowl and cry and tell Troy not to leave because he couldn’t do this genre. He wasn’t equipped to deal with this loss. He wanted to scream.
But he couldn’t. His hands held his bowl of frozen noodles and his eyes watched the colors swim. Why wouldn’t he tell him not to leave? The question filled his head and spilled over to freeze on his arms and chest; gripping his heart with icy daggers. If he told him to stay Abed knew the Troy would. He wouldn’t go anywhere. Maybe that was the problem anyway.
Troy stood up with a slight wobble and paused briefly. Abed knows he was looking at him, he could feel it again. He didn’t say anything though. Neither did. He wanted to. He wanted to reach out, grab his and and melt his frozen fingers in Troy’s warmth. But he didn’t; and the silence continued as he shuffled to his room only to stop again with a hand on the door.
He knew Troy was trying so hard to speak. Trying to get Abed to understand, but no words come out. He gave up with a dad choked back sigh and Abed let his eyes drop to the floor. He set the plastic bowl down as the bedroom door clicked shut again. The quiet whine in the back of his throat threatened to break free and Abed felt his chest seize up. How could he say goodbye to the only person who’d ever really gotten him? How could he honestly say goodbye to someone who meant so much to him? He needed him.
Abed slowly unfolded his legs from his chair and planted his feet a shoulder width apart. Leaning over his knees he wrapped thin arms around his stomach. He felt sick. He wasn’t okay in this genre. He didn’t know how to react. His heart was pounding in his ears as he slowly stood. Bed. Sleep and tomorrow say goodbye.
Except when he stood a fire burned around him and melted away the ice. It was to much to fast and he quietly yelped as the lava licked at the corner of his vision. He quickly scrambled back up onto his chair. He knew it was like the frost. It wasn’t there but it still burned him all the same. The whine grew louder as Abed panicked and grabbed the unburnt blanket from where Annie had left it on the floor. As he went to lay it over the floor toward the blanket fort, the lava vanished as quick as it had come.
Abed stood there in his chair for a long moment, staring at the floor but not really seeing it. It felt so real. He felt the burning on his feet. The hot sting in his eyes. His hand reached up and rubbed his eye, it came away wet. He couldn’t think of this anymore he had to stop. Had to fix it.
He stepped off his chair but instead of turning to the fort he blinked at the door Troy had disappeared into. He couldn’t let Troy think Abed was mad at him. Couldn’t let him think this would tear them apart so easily. His hand splayed across the wood grain and he gently pressed his forehead to it.
“You can come in you know.” Troy’s voice was flat and had no evidence of sleep or even tiredness to it. Just resignation. It broke him. It made his stomach sink with dry ice. He gently pushed the door open and the knob was freezing to the touch.
It was dark in the room but Troy was sitting on the side of his bed, hands clasped together and shoulders bent as he looked up at Abed. They studied each other quietly for a minute before Troy’s eyes glanced pointedly at the bed beside him. Abed understood. He always did when it came to his friend. When it came to Troy. He shuffled over and sat rigidly beside him. Neither spoke. Neither could and after five minutes of silence Troy’s hand reached over and gently covered Abed’s. He looked at them for a second before slowly spreading his fingers slightly to allow Troy’s to twine through his.
The sirens were blaring and the warning lights flashed in his mind’s eye. This was dangerously close to a genre flip for their dynamic and he wasn’t sure he could allow the ‘b’ to drop and then watch Troy walk away still. But he didn’t try to stop it. He didn’t want to. It was what he needed, what they needed. But then Troy’s pressing his lips to Abed’s cheek and the whine is escaping again. He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t let him leave. But he wouldn’t make him stay. “Tell me and I’ll stay.”
“I can’t.”
His voice was steady but they could both feel his hands shaking and flexing gently within Troy’s grasp. He was shaking his head now and his throat was choked but the words still continued to fall out. “I won’t let you throw your life away. Not for anyone or anything. Least of all for me. You have a whole world to see, no one should stop you.”
He could feel the tears behind his eyes and he wished for once they would fall. It would be easier. Simpler. But no. Abed felt Troy turn fully toward him, their fingers still connected. And he chances a look at his face, only to look away quickly. He couldn’t do this. Not if Troy was looking at him like Abed gave him the sun. “You’ll be okay?”
Abed swallowed and bumped his knee to Troy’s before whispering into the dark “I’ll have to be.” Fingers were tilting his face up and over to look at his companion then. The gentle touch shaking ever so slightly as he brought Abed’s face close to his. His breath enveloped Abed in a warmth and he wanted to curl up in forever. His kiss gave Abed a reason to. It was a soft press of lips to lips that lasted far longer than it should have. There was a crying emotion behind it as Troy gripped Abed’s nightshirts sleeve.
And then it was over and Troy was pulling Abed down to lay beside him. And Abed was curling around him, his head on Troy’s chest and their twined hands pressed to his lips between them. And Troy’s other hand was running through Abed’s hair and down his back, chasing the cold away he didn’t know was there. Say it and I’ll stay. It hung in the air like a weight. He could. He could say those three words and keep this. Keep Troy wrapped around him forever. But he couldn’t and he wouldn’t. And his chest ached as he realized Troy wouldn’t either as the other tightened his hold on him.
In the dark hours later Abed found his voice, no more than a broken whine as Troy slept soundly, arms wrapped tightly around his favorite. And just like before he knew, even without the machines.
“Cool. Cool cool cool.”
That was a lie.