Work Text:
November 21, 2018
Hey beautiful,
It’s me, again. I think, for the first time in a long time, I’m doing okay. Things have been getting a bit easier; I’m managing so that’s all that matters. A few months ago I enrolled back into college. This doesn’t feel real. Working towards my bachelors in Biochemistry again seems like a dream. When I dropped out, I didn’t think I would ever return. Honestly, I don’t feel ready yet but my therapist said to give it a go so here I am, I guess. I’m scared, Harry. May is working so hard to pay for my classes and I really don’t want to mess this up. Some days, I don’t even have enough energy to get out of bed. Most days, I don’t feel like showing up to class, but I go anyways. I know you would want me to.
Gwen is trying her best to be there for me; I know it’s been hard for her too. I’m extremely thankful she never gave up on me because I don’t think I would’ve made it this far without her. She also designed a new suit for me, Spider-Man suit. I haven’t been out… doing that stuff in years. Seeing the suit again brings back memories I want to forget. I haven’t put it on since you… well… since we last saw each other. I miss you. I miss you so much.
I visited your grave today and I left some flowers. Since I’m out of a job, I had to borrow a few bucks from May. She actually gave me the money to get something to eat because she’s working late at the hospital tonight but, I didn’t see the point of spending it on food. I got some blue orchids for you instead. They reminded me a lot of your eyes. As if I could ever forget them.
I was here for a few hours today; This is the closest I can get to just being with you. By the end, I was freezing and I couldn’t feel my fingers but it was worth it. I didn’t want you to be alone on your birthday. I miss you.
Do you remember our first kiss, Harry? It was at one of MJ’s parties. You were alone on the balcony and I knew that this was the chance to tell you how I felt. I was stuttering and I was nervous as hell. You were my best friend and I didn’t know if you felt the same way I felt about you. Imagine my surprise when you leaned in and kissed me. You kissed me. Ever since that moment, I’ve always asked myself, How did I get so lucky to know someone like you?
I miss the way we would laugh. I would give anything to go back to the way we were. I miss the way you would sip your soda. I missed the way you would hold me and kiss me. I miss the way you would say my name. It would easily slip off of your tongue with ease. I know you hated your accent, but I loved it. I loved it so much.
I’m sorry I couldn’t save you as I promised. When you became sick, I thought I would have more time. I thought we would have more time. The disease killed you faster than it killed your father. Why ? Nothing could slow it down. Nothing that worked on him worked on you. Why ? The last memory I have of you is when I was lying down with you in your bed. I sang to you, I played with your hair a little bit, I held you, and I kept on saying that eventually, everything would be alright. The disease had reached its final stages so your doctors decided it was best if you were put under for the rest of the time you had left. They said that if you were sleeping, then you would be in less pain. But you were still suffering. No matter how much medication they gave you to ease your symptoms, no matter how many times you said you were fine, no matter how many times you said not to worry, you were still in pain. I knew.
I watched it consume you in less than a year. It’s my fault. All of it. I’m just bad luck. I’m cursed. I’m sorry I couldn’t take your pain away. I’m sorry I couldn’t make it better. I’m sorry that all I did was watch you die. You deserved better, so much better.
If I could ask you one last question, it would be if when you passed, did you go knowing your life was my life’s best part? It’s important that you knew that. So very important.
Happy Birthday, Harry. I can’t wait to see you again one day.
Love always & forever,
Peter