Chapter Text
It hurt him to watch them, to see and just hear their laughter from the next room over. As much as he could and would lie to himself, sometimes it hurt even more not o be included in whatever they were clearly so happy to be celebrating. Just the sound of Roman’s warm boisterous laughter that brought about the sensation of a part, as it created a deep chasm of regret within Logan, the kind of sensation that never really went away. The smell of Patton’s cookies that had just come out of the oven and were cooling on the counter, treats for an occasion that he wasn’t invited to.
And then there was Virgil.
Honestly, the one who Logan had thought would understand him and his feelings the most. His quiet but obvious presence was one that had often time soothed him, it got exhausting being the only introvert of the group, constantly surrounded by people who could constantly talk and word conversations better. No matter how he watched, and no matter how he ached to be with them, no matter what. It never changed.
Just looking at them, seeing how complete and happy they seemed without him made that sharp regret tinged with bitterness turn to guilt.
The dark hole in his chest grew and grew the longer that he watched them.
They’re so happy, without you there to be a killjoy. Deep in the darkness of midnight, he couldn’t help the harsh burning truth that he had kept hidden from himself. The hateful, spite-filled words bubbled up, as his own self-loathing grew and grew with each passing second. You just made them unhappy, with your facts and your logic. They can do that without you, what use are you? Anyone of them knows how to pick up a textbook and read, hell Thomas listens more to then than he ever did with you. They can teach him, and what was it that Virgil said again? Thomas’ least favorite.
He was right, even someone like Patton had known it to be true.
Try as the moral side may to be nice and happy, Logan couldn’t argue with facts. He was necessary and he most certainly wasn’t wanted. That much had become clear over time, he was...fodder, to be tossed to the side so that the more important sides could take care of things. For a while he had thought that he fit that mold as well, but...now he wasn’t so certain about that.
“Where do I fit in?” Buried under his covers and with his chin tucked against his chest, the question came with a load of burdens. “Do I fit? Is my piece even necessary with the other?” The more questions that came, the more that was left unanswered.
And...the more tears that burned the back of Logan’s eyes.
With every question that was left unanswered, it was practically a confirmation in his eyes. No, he wasn’t wanted, no, he wasn’t necessary, and no...he didn’t fit with them anymore. Facts and statistics said it all, despite the chasm in Logan’s chest etching itself deeper and deeper, begging him for it not to be true.
Warmth burned the corners of Logan’s eyes as he tugged his blanket up around his chin. “If I don’t fit here…” He pondered for a moment, his voice straining on every word that left his mouth. “Then where?”
That was the question, wasn’t it? Where to go when the only place you’ve ever know has proven to be an ill-fit, or...should he go at all? Should he stay and suffer in silence, risk yet another outburst that would take him even further from the others? A stiff shake of his head jerked Logan out of the quiet lull of his room, the noisemaker in the corner right next to his closet had been working to drown out the sound of the laughter from downstairs.
No...
Shaking his head against the soft feathery pillow that he had laid motionless against for several hours, Logan swiftly sat up tossing the blankets that had settled over him like an early morning fog and even as his feet thudded heavily against the floor the noise from downstairs did not fade. Something which only made him even more firm in his decision, this would be for the best. So slipping on his starry slippers on and gathering up his matching bathrobe Logan moved swiftly but silently. As determined as he was about this, he couldn’t let the others know just what was going on inside of his head. They’d try to change his mind, out of pity more than any kind of true friendship or remorse.
Besides, it wasn’t like this was their problem. It was him, and he knew just the way to fix it, this was the next logical step for him to take. They wouldn’t understand, at least not yet.
But he did, he had always understood, even if he hadn’t wanted to see it.
The steps downward were cold, once he had found the door it had been all too easy to begin his descent, he’d often times heard Virgil talking about to Patton with a hushed voice, as if it wasn’t allowed to be talked about too loudly. As if merely mentioning the place from which the dark sides hailed would instantly summon them, then again, Virgil wasn’t exactly wrong either. The further and further he went down into the darkness, the colder and colder it got. Until the point at which he could see his breath hanging there as a frozen mist before him, it was at that point he could see the hallway stretched out before him with a countless number of rooms before him as well.
One had angry spatters of paint varying in color splattered all over it, while another was completely blank with not a single word or color smudging the pristine white door. There were others, so many others. They completely outnumbered Patton and the others, and despite how uncomfortable that should have made him feel, and despite how he should have turned around and left. Gone straight to the others to tell them, Logan couldn’t help the pure sigh of relief that swept through him as he took a step forward making his way to the room that was filled to the brim with books of so many kinds.
His hands flew to the shelves, plucking book after book off after only managing to skim over the title. The title hardly mattered, after all, it was the contents inside the books that mattered.
It was that, which would help him.
More and more, it was all too easy to ignore the aching in his chest now that he had something to focus on, he could ignore the dried tears tracks that littered his cheeks now that the smell of paper and ink filled his senses. He felt at peace here, even if this was really the last place he should be feeling anything like that.
“Well well, looks as if somebody isn’t having a crisis.” The soft purr of words sent a shiver raking down Logan’s spine, as he rigidly stood there for a moment, gripping the bundle of books in his arms. “What couldn’t have Logic of all people in such distress?” It was only upon feeling that soft quilted feeling of the other’s glove brushing against the nape of his neck, did Logan spin around attempting to face the slimy snake face to face before he met his untimely end there.
Or in the very least he sure did attempt to spin around. Before one foot caught on the ones standing just behind him, and in a spectacular lack of balance, sent him pitching for the bookshelf and then the ground. Not only was it going to hurt, but it was going hurt a fuck ton, on top of the fact that he was going to bleed and then be made a fool of right in front of Deceit. Fantastic, completely and utterly fantastic. Logan honestly couldn’t think of a single way that his night could be going any better right now.
What a joke.
The front of his shirt seized, just mere seconds before the logical side could even register the sensation of warmth wrapping around his middle. Hold him mid-fall, before the back of his skull could even make contact with the solid looking self behind him. A stricken moment of silence passed between the both of them. As Deceit, with his heterochromic eyes stared in all their wide-eyed glory down at the logical side who he’d just barely managed to save from getting a concussion. Then Logan, who was looking right back at him, the books falling numbly from his hands and onto the floor.
His hands are surprisingly warm for someone that I would have figured to be cold-blooded.
Out of everything that could have happened at that moment, and out of any single thought that could have come from his mind, this was one of the ones that Logan didn’t mind too much. Especially as Deceit’s mouth opened and closed robotically, before his eyes darted down to the books that had fallen from Logan’s grasp. It was seriously the first time that Logan had ever seen the dishonest side this flustered, if this could even be considered flustered. It took only a moment for Logan to regain his footing, and it took even less for Deceit to release his grasp on Logan, letting him stand on his own two legs. And even so, there was a long moment where the dishonest side absolutely refused to look Logan in the eyes.
It was adorable, or it would have been had Logan been in the mood to feel anything even remotely positive at the moment.
“So,” Straightening his cape that sly conniving smirk was back on the dark side’s face as he scuffed his nails against caplet, somehow ignoring the fact that he was most certainly wearing gloves. “What aren’t you doing down here? Everyone doesn’t know that light sides don’t come down here at all, let alone to read, as it happens to be with you.”Casting a mistrusting eye to the fallen books, there was another beat of silence between them as Logan fidgeted beneath Deceit almost forcibly cold stare as he stooped down to the hastily scoop up the pile of books.
The words, the answers really lodged themselves into Logan’s throat as he avoided Deceit’s stare for a moment longer. It wouldn’t take too long before the dishonest side’s patience would wane, and he really didn’t want to find out what would come from that.
“I…” The books slid neatly back into place, going back exactly from where he had plucked them from the shelves. He’d have to come back another time to get them, and to learn what they had to teach him. “It’s fairly obvious that this is where most of Thomas’ and our forbidden knowledge lies.” He began, scuffing his shoe against the polished wooden floor. “Knowledge that cannot be found among the light sides, knowledge that under no circumstances must be sought out, and knowledge that..that-”
Logan cut himself off as he raked his hand over his face, combing his fingers through his hair he met the curious almost troubled gaze of Deceit. The dishonest side wasn’t certain to what he saw in the logical side’s gaze, but whatever it was, it made him very anxious. To the point where his fingers itched, where he wanted to seize Logan and drag him far far away from this cauldron of knowledge. Whatever the feeling was, it was nothing in compared to what came next.
Logan’s gaze was dark, like that of a stormy night that carried an ominous wind with it. “I wanted to find a way to leave everything behind,” He explained, a slight smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. It wasn’t a smile that Deceit trusted, “I am the cause in much of the others’ problems, my role of Logic is no longer needed and so..so I leave. Then..then…” The smile spread wider, and even so, the slightest glint of tears, made Deceit’s chest angrily throb in pain. “Then all will be well.”