Work Text:
drop.
drop.
drop.
the cold water covered jisung's exhausted body, sending shivers down his spine. he liked it - it kept the pain in his bleeding arms subtle, but still enough for him to feel it.
he didn't want this. he really didn't.
he just wanted to be like the rest of the members - or at least how they used to be.
deep down, all of them are hurting. but he was the only one who was affected that much from the eliminations. he was the only one not strong enough to fight through this - through the loss of two people that were so close to him. two people who he loved so much it made his chest clench painfully just by the thought of them.
but honestly,
was he to blame?
in his mind, all of this was his fault. he could have prevented this. he should have helped them more. he should have worked harder - for their sake. but it was too late now.
they're gone - stray kids are no longer the eight cheerful boys. they were now seven.
it was quite funny, jisung thought. the number seven was known around the world as the lucky number, but then there he was, despising it with his whole being. he just wanted his best friend and his lover back - his lucky number definitely wasn't seven. it was eight, and it would always be this way. with minho and felix no longer in the group, stray kids will never be the same.
sighing, the brunette rested his head on the edge of the bathtub. he let his eyes fall shut and pushed his fragile body down into the water, only leaving his nose to stay above the surface of the liquid that surrounded him. his arms, painted with scars, softly gripped the sides of the bathtub as one of them held a sharp blade between its trembling fingers.
he ran his thumb across the metal, inhaling sharply through his nose as he felt the blade cut through the skin.
jisung knew that this wouldn't help him. it never had. yet, he couldn't resist it - it made his mind numb to everything else, forcing him to focus on the stinging pain in his arms and forget the ache in his heart for at least a bit.
it was something, and he was thankful.
drop.
drop.
drop.
he didn't know whether water or blood was the source of the soft splashing sound, and he didn't care. it didn't matter anyway.
opening his eyes, he stared at the ceiling, letting his thoughts wander freely, taking him to a place he'd rather not think of in such a state - his best friend.
felix.
he didn't deserve this. it was all jisung's fault. the older knew that felix was struggling, yet he didn't help him enough.
jisung had noticed that changbin spent a lot of time with felix when they were still eight (and seven) - probably trying his best to help the freckled male improve.
that should have been jisung - he was felix's best friend and he should have been the one to help. instead, the rapper locked himself away from him and the rest of the members.
he wouldn't eat.
he wouldn't sleep.
he wouldn't talk.
he just...existed.
all he did was think about him. about the one that stole his heart all this time ago.
the members tried their best to help jisung feel better, to get him out of the bad period he'd fallen into - but nothing helped. all of them failed miserably, their faces frowning as their efforts went to waste once they were met with jisung's heartbreaking gaze.
he appreciated their concern, but it wasn't helping - and they knew it. all of them realized what - or who - jisung needed. but they couldn't bring him back. they knew that changing jyp's mind was impossible. they already asked him so many times, begging him to give them one more chance to prove themselves. the seven of them promised that they'd help minho - who was later joined by felix - to improve in what they lacked. chan told their boss that their group wasn't the same without minho's weird yet charming personality and the sunshine that felix is. that they're like one body - with some of the parts missing, they wouldn't work as well.
but jyp rejected them. he said that it's for the better, shooing the seven of them out of the room. and they accepted his decision, hearts heavy and eyes watering.
jisung felt hot tears rolling down his pale cheeks - they were no longer soft and chubby. the lack of food and the unhealthy way he was handling himself made him drastically lose weight.
he still didn't understand why they accepted what jyp had said. they didn't give up on minho and felix, right? chan always told the eight of them that they'd debut as one. he promised, he promised so many times - and they believed him. so why did the leader give up?
jisung lifted himself up so he could sit in the tub, resting his back against the cold ceramic. he took the blood-covered blade, twirling it around carefully while still thinking about felix and minho.
he brought the sharp metal down to his scarred arm, thinking about all the times he fucked up and disappointed the ones he loved.
the boy dragged the blade across the abused skin, choking out a pained sob at the stinging pain. he wiped his eyes, getting rid of the tears as his breathing became uneven. he scrunched his face, trying to relax and softly mumbling words that no one would hear.
he opened his eyes, jerking them towards the deep cut across his pale skin. surprisingly, the pain was almost gone already. the only thing he felt was emptiness.
he wondered if it was due to the lack of sleep, or food, or the fact that he hadn't been able to feel anything ever since minho left.
jisung grasped the blade again, dragging it through his skin once more.
"chan only added you to the group out of pity. don't you remember, jisung? don't you remember how you begged him to let you join? how the others made you act cute if you wanted to be part of the group? they said that they were just teasing you and that it was just a joke - but was it really? look at how much you bring them down now - especially since minho, your minho, was eliminated."
jisung whined as he added another cut.
and another cut.
and another.
he couldn't stop. it's like drugs - you get addicted.
"changbin will always be better than you in rap. haven't you noticed that everyone talks about how good he is? and they're all right. he's damn amazing, i don't even know why you're also the main rapper, jisung. it's probably because binnie helped you, isn't it? but why would he help you instead of felix and minho? at least they deserve it - unlike your talentless self."
he smiled weakly at the sight of his bleeding arms. all he could feel was a dull ache; the pain that was supposed to roam through his body wasn't present - jisung supposed it was because he deserved to suffer.
"how do you even dare to talk, yet alone yell, at someone like hyunjin, jisung? haven't you noticed how much better he is than you in everything - from visuals to dancing? haven't you noticed how much of a sweetheart he is? how everyone loves him? and then there you are, doing nothing but sulking. how pathetic. no wonder he hates you so much."
there was hardly any space on jisung's arms that wasn't painted with cuts - old or new. he gazed at them with a mix of amusement and disgust, wondering just when did they get so many that he couldn't even find the smallest piece of skin where the sharp blade hadn't ruined yet.
"seungmin doesn't even like you, jisung. he's either with jeongin or hyunjin - haven't you seen how he walks away every time you approach him? it's most likely because he knows that you and the two eliminated ones were close. he probably blames you that they're now no longer part of the group. and he's right to do so."
jisung's brown eyes shifted towards his legs, inspecting the soft skin that was on display as he wondered whether he should leave his abused arms and move onto his thighs, decorating them just like he'd done to his bleeding arms. they rarely wore clothes that exposed their legs, so no one would notice anyway.
"ah, jeongin...why is jyp even saying that he lacks? when he's so, so good at singing and dancing? and he's so damn adorable - there is no one who doesn't like him. no, jeongin's not the one who lacks talent. you are, jisung. you and you only. maybe if your worthless self leaves, jyp will notice how amazing the rest are."
the brunette kept dragging the blade across his skin as he kept whispering insults towards himself but praising the other members. they all deserved better than what he could offer. he was merely a broken boy that wanted to disappear.
"felix...oh, lixie. and you used to think that you're his best friend, jisung. how dare you. he needs so much more than a worthless person like you. someone like changbin, for example. he'd help felix so much more than you did. because changbin is not some pathetic boy like you, jisung."
jisung clenched his fists and brought them down to the surface of the water, causing the liquid to splash around the bathroom. he threw his head back, sobbing quietly as he realized that hitting the water wouldn't help him let his anger and sadness out. the boy didn't bother wiping the tears that streamed down his cheeks - he knew that they wouldn't stop anyway.
his mind was now left with the person that jisung missed the most.
the person that stole his heart within days.
the person who's smile melted jisung's heart and made him forget his problems.
the person who never hesitated to help others when they needed it, even if he was exhausted himself.
the person that jisung failed.
minho.
jisung promised him that nothing will keep them apart. he promised him that he'd help the older prepare - but it wasn't enough.
jisung had done a bad job, and now all of them suffered because of it.
jisung pressed the sharp metal deep into the skin of his thighs, whimpering at the amount of blood that emerged from the cut. he felt his head getting dizzy as his gaze shifted towards the once clean water - it was now a soft reddish pink. for some reason, it kind of looked pretty to him.
the brunette felt empty. he only wanted to cry, and to cry, and to cry. he didn't know how long it had been since he'd felt alive. though he was positive that there was only one thing that could drag him out of this mess.
and it was minho. the older was the only thing jisung needed - as selfish as it is.
"you never deserved him and his love, jisung. you took it for granted. you never showed him just how much he means to you. and now? now's too late. far too late."
jisung let his eyes fall shut as the dizziness in his head spread through his body, darkness filling his eyes. the blade that he'd kept for ages, using it to draw painful images on his body, escaped his grasp and fell into the water with a soft splash. he felt his body relax as his bleeding arms dropped on both sides of the tub, leaving red stains onto the places they touched the white ceramic. the cold liquid that appeared from the cuts streamed down his skin, reaching the tips of his fingertips and dropping onto the tiles on the floor, creating a small puddle of blood.
he heard a distant noise, but he was far too tired to try to make out what it was from.
though, his breath hitched as he realized that it was minho's gentle voice - but jisung couldn't manage to do anything.
his nose scrunched as someone was trying to open the door to the bathroom, twisting the knob in desperate attempts to get inside. finally, a key was shoved into the lock and the door swung open. a loud scream filled with worry echoed through the apartment, followed by a call for help.
"chan! chan! call the doctors - the hospital - just call someone! jisung needs help!"
the brunette turned his head slowly towards the person who had stumbled in the bathroom, his eyes fluttering open to see who it was.
he was met with a crying minho who grasped his shoulders, then cupped jisung's face as tears fell down his cheeks.
"sungie, baby, stay with me, please stay with me...i love you so much, don't leave me, please, hold on, don't leave me..."
jisung couldn't make out the words that his lover was saying, though the corners of his mouth twisted in a small smile - he had missed minho so, so much. the brunette sighed contently, leaning into the boy's soft touch.
the darkness had covered his mind completely, making it hard for him to breathe. he was just so incredibly tired.
jisung raised his arm to touch minho's face, trailing his fingers through the older's soft features - from the tip of his nose through his lips to finally reach minho's chest. he listened to his voice, guilt filling him as he realized that his lover was crying and it was because of him - he had messed up again.
he couldn't open his eyes anymore. he wanted to tell minho not to cry because jisung wasn't worth crying for, but he couldn't find the strength to. he wanted to wrap his scarred arms around minho's body, assuring him that it would all be fine.
but he simply couldn't - he could feel the life slipping out of his body.
the last thing jisung felt before everything went numb was a pair of soft lips gently pressing against his own.