Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

    Patton never blamed the others for not accepting Virgil completely.

    The fact is, when you're emotional intelligence, you learn and grow the ability to see through everyone's eyes. To Logan, he hindered Thomas's capabilities and created irrational ideas. To Roman, he was his opposite, stopping Thomas from following any of his dreams.

    But, gosh, if they could have only seen things from Virgil's eyes sooner. As kids, Logan should have seen how terrified he was, put into a role he had no one but dark sides to teach him about, and took it upon himself to teach him. As teens, Roman should have seen how Virgil expressed his emotions with pen and paper, just like he did, and found their connections. As adults, it was too late for them to see through the fronts he learned to put up.

    So how exactly does Patton see Virgil?

    He's slowly learning that he doesn't ask himself that question enough.

    Virgil, to Patton, is… someone who needed help. He needed someone to show him that there were other options. Patton should have done a better job caring for him. Maybe he wasn't all that great of a dad…

    He fears that it's too late, but when Accepting Anxiety happens, he realizes Virgil doesn't need a dad anymore; he needs a friend.

    If that's what his kiddo needs, then that's what he'll be for him. Because Patton loves him.

     “Patton!” Roman came barreling down the stairs, sword in hand. Once he reached the kitchen, he went into a battle stance while hastily searching around the room. “What’s wrong? Who dare tries to harm you?”

    The moral side in question giggled nervously. “No threat here, except for the threateningly handsome kiddo in front of me!” He felt guilty for tricking Roman, but he needed an excuse to get him down here quickly. “I just want to have a small family meeting-”

    “‘Family meeting?’” Logan interrupted, stepping into the kitchen as well. “You are not typically one to call a ‘family’ meeting without all parties involved. Am I right to hypothesize this is about Virgil?”

    “Ye-”

    Roman suddenly gasps. “Are we planning a surprise?! Just say the word, Padre, and I can have this place decorated in an instant.”

    “No, no, that won’t be necessary. This isn’t about a surprise.” He let out another nervous laugh, not enjoying having to bring up such a heavy topic so suddenly. However, he’d have to remember that surprise party idea for later. “I think… Virgil needs help.”

    Logan quirks his eyebrows and crosses his arms. “What kind of help does Virgil need that requires us to discuss in secrecy?”

    “Well…” Patton sighed, trying to place his words together in his head. “After Accepting Anxiety, I thought everything would get better- and things have! He’s really part of the family now, just- I notice things sometimes, worrying things, and I think he needs more than just acceptance.”

    Judging by the way the logical side raises his brow, it seems he doesn’t agree- or doesn’t get it. “I thought we agreed the optimal plan of action was to be patient with him, did we not?”

    “The last time I tried that, he…” He shivers at the thought of what happened before, what Virgil tried to do. Honestly, it didn’t sink in what ‘ducking out’ really meant, and that Virgil actually tried to do it, until much later. Now, it physically hurts Patton to think about it.

    He wasn’t truly there for him then, despite his subtle efforts to be. He doesn’t want to make the same mistake again.

    “Patton, things are different now,” Logan attempted to reassure, placing a hand on his counterpart’s shoulder. “This time, we are actively supporting him; patience provides him the time to ‘open up’ at his own pace.”

    “What about all the days he spends alone in his room still?”

    “He’s an introvert not used to much social interaction at a time. It’s completely normal.”

    “But then he doesn’t eat!”

    “We’re not real, we don’t need to.”

    “What about all the self-deprecating comments? His flinching away when he’s touched? Leaving abruptly when we’re together?”

    “Old habits that will die off eventually.” Logan sighed. Patton hated annoying the facet, but in this case, it was necessary. “Roman, you have been uncharacteristically silent during this debacle. What do you think?”

    The romantic side stays silent for a moment longer, refusing to maintain eye contact with anyone. “My room is right next to Virgil’s. The walls aren’t thin - they were designed by me, after all - but sometimes, I can hear the faint sound of… something.”

    He paused dramatically, typical for Roman, except it was different this time: He seemed genuinely nervous, not just an act. With two pairs of eyes watching him intently, he had his cue to continue. “I never knew what it was before, but a week ago he came out of his room at the same time as me, just less than an hour after I heard that noise, and his eyes were red. He’d been crying.”

    Patton felt his heart break for Virgil. (Not that it hadn’t already; it never stopped hurting, to think about his kiddo in so much pain.)

    “For years, I have heard that sound,” Roman muttered solemnly. It was the kind of voice you wouldn’t expect from someone as boisterous as him, and that also hurt Patton quite a bit. “I’d like to think that if I knew all that time ago, I would have done something. Yet even now, I don’t do anything for fear of forcing myself in too quickly.”

    They all let that thought sink in before Logan spoke up. “Maybe… we can start compensating for his needs more, and paying close attention to him, but crowding Virgil will be completely counterproductive.” He turned towards Patton with a serious, subtle glint in his eyes. “Pat, he currently trusts you the most. I suggest you try to get him to open up first; just don’t force it out. We are dealing with a case of someone who has spent many years, perhaps longer than a decade, convinced by unfortunate incidents that distancing himself is the most sufficient option.”

    Roman groaned beside the logical side, losing the guilty frame he had on previously and slouching in the usual Dramatic Princey Way™. “Oh, It is not going to be easy getting through to Ol’ Sunshine, is it?”

    ...Patton loved Roman just as much as he loved Virgil and Logan, but sometimes he really needed to think about what he was saying. He didn’t want to scold the prince, but Logan thankfully continued for him. “Do you really think the difficulty of aiding and reteaching Virgil is the subject to worry about? I know you have your own contentions over Anxiety, but this isn’t just about him. Maintaining mental health in all sides is imperative to Thomas’s own-”

    “No,” Patton interrupted, because absolutely not. This was wrong in a way Patton couldn’t quite place until he got himself talking. “Thomas is important, our number one, but- but Virgil doesn’t need that! Virgil needs people to help him for him, to love him for him!” He closed his eyes and sighed, trying to let go of the small bead of red emotion building inside him. He didn’t like most negative feelings, but anger was his least favourite by far.

    “If you can’t do that, if the only reason you come to comfort my kiddo is for Thomas alone, then don’t even bother. Virgil doesn’t need more reason to feel unloved.”

    “Patton, you know I am not-”

    “Padre, wait, it’s not like-

    He hears the two’s protests as he walks back to his room and he immediately feels terrible for it. It felt cruel, treating the ones he loves like that, but maybe this time it was necessary. He was sure the two loved Virgil, too; they just needed an extra push from good ol’ dad to let go of their pride and realize it.

    He loved them all, more than they could ever know, but right now the side that was first priority to Patton was Virgil.

    He needs help, and he needs much more than just Acceptance to even begin to help himself.

Chapter Text

    Sometimes, Virgil really hates the mindscape.

    He’s a bit proud that it’s now Sometimes and not Practically All The Time. ‘Cause he worked for that, y’know? And Sometimes seems like a completely fair amount.

    He hates to fall into emo teen stereotypes, but the reason he Sometimes hates it here is that there is no other side that could possibly understand him. Well, maybe they could sympathize with him, but no one here ever tried to step out of their boxes as Virgil did.

    Virgil honestly doesn’t have a clue what he is or where he fits in the strange puzzle that is Thomas Sanders. Thanks to Roman, things are often so black and white in the mindscape, everything fitting into neatly carved boxes. You’re either good or evil, a Dark Side or a Light Side. Virgil, however, is in his own new box labeled “Gray,” and he hates being the only one stuck in the middle of the organized chaos.

    But the reason it’s chaos is that the boxes are wrong. Dark sides are still important, in their own ways, and aren’t just evil beings trying to ruin Thomas’s life. Virgil proved that, didn’t he? He was a dark side who forced himself to the front lines. He was the less heroic, less badass version of Mulan. Or, depending on how you look at it, the less murderous version of Scar from The Lion King.

    Whatever he was, he was accepted as an important piece of Thomas now. He’s not a Light Side- but are “Light Sides” even a thing? Roman was the one who made these labels, and he’s never actually heard him use that term. Maybe “Main Sides” would be the better wording.

    Wouldn’t that mean Virgil could fit into that box?

    Whatever. As he said, it’s organized chaos. None of it actually makes sense, But the others just accept it that way and that kinda screws Virgil over.

    Sometimes he wishes another dark side would do the same thing he did- which he probably shouldn’t wish that, as most of the dark sides are complete dicks who are way too arrogant to ever change opinions. Virgil had to learn to listen and compromise with the others to earn this spot, and he doesn’t think the rest of the hidden sides could ever manage to do that.

    He’s not trying to say he’s special or anything like that; Virgil was just as stubborn as them once, but he had different goals. His whole life was dedicated to protecting Thomas, and that led to him desperately wanting to protect Thomas’s sides, too.

    He would never say it out loud, god forbid, but he loves them.

    That doesn’t mean they couldn’t be an absolute pain sometimes. He can’t blame them, really; they’re all trying their best to make him feel accepted, and that’s more than Virgil ever expected from anyone, but them breathing down his neck and asking him so many questions all the time was pretty damn annoying.

    He knows they’re just trying to understand him, but as he said before, he doesn’t think they really can. In that case, he’s kind of a lost cause, but it doesn’t have to be a problem if they just leave it be. He thinks Logan and Roman are starting to get that, and maybe Thomas too, but there’s one side who will not let it go. He’ll try everything to get through to Virgil, just so he can fully understand him.

    But how could he be mad at Patton for that? He’s the same side who tried his best to support Virgil even before he was accepted, even if Virgil was an absolute thorn in their sides. He always thought that the moral side was a bit too empathetic because of this. He certainly did not deserve acceptance back then- but he probably didn’t deserve acceptance now, either. (He could easily convince them all to take it back but, hey, he’s selfish.)

    Patton may also be used to understanding most things about a person. Logan may not want to admit it, but the dad is smart in his own way. He’s emotional intelligence, and that means understanding others’ feelings. Virgil is probably a very stressful subject for him because of this, so why does he keep trying?

    Why is he at Virgil’s doorway now, asking him to just “hang out?”

/

    It was not a good day for Virgil. Not necessarily what he’d consider a bad day, just the kinda day you wouldn’t want to deal with people. He already had to eat breakfast with the main sides, then deal with Roman’s Creative Dilemma of the Week™ - suffice to say, he was warned out.

    So yeah, he wasn’t very happy to hear a knock on his door. But opening it and being greeted with Patton’s bright smile? That wasn’t the worst, he supposes.

    “Hey Kiddo!” Patton greeted, chipper and sunny as ever. “I was just wondering if you wanna hang out?”

    ‘Hang out?’ Patton wasn’t just someone who ‘hung out.’ If he wanted to be with Virgil, he would suggest an actual activity: eating breakfast, watching a movie, playing a game, anything. It was never just ‘hanging out.’ Naturally, that made Virgil nervous.

    “Uh, I don’t know if I’m really in a ‘hang out’ mood, Pat,” Virgil admits, then immediately adds, “Is there something you need?” Because what if Patton needed help with something? What if he was upset and needed someone to talk to, or just someone to distract him? What if he had something important to tell Virgil? What if-

    “Oh, it would only be for a few minutes! I just wanted to sit and talk for a bit, if that’s okay?” Talk? Talk about what? Did Virgil do something wrong? He doesn’t remember doing anything recently, but maybe he’s been sending anxious energy to Thomas without knowing it? He’s done it in the past, it’s not that farfetched of a conclusion.

    Nevertheless, he can’t say no to Patton no matter how anxious this ‘talk’ is making him. He moves out of the way and opens the door wide, and the emotional side enters with a bounce in his step. If Patton was acting so happy, then hopefully this talk wasn’t something horrible.

    He sat down on the bed, patting next to him to signal Virgil over as well while he slightly swung his legs. Once Virgil complied, Patton immediately began speaking. “So how was your day? You didn’t stick around very long after breakfast, so I never got the chance to talk with you.”

    Virgil felt a tiny pang of guilt in his chest. “Sorry Pat, I was just tired.” He didn’t really know what else to tell him; it wasn’t a lie, but it also didn’t sound like a good enough excuse.

    “That’s okay, I get to talk to you now!” The moral side was practically beaming at Virgil, all wide toothy grins and bright eyes. Why was he so excited by the sheer idea of talking to him, of all people? He tried to ignore the voice telling him that something’s up, but this certainly wasn’t normal.

    “So, Virge,” This is it. This is where Patton is going to ask him something that will put way too much pressure on him to answer, or some cryptic question that he won’t understand until the bomb is finally dropped on his head - not literally, as Logan would have taken it - or maybe Pat’s finally going to cheerfully tell him to go back where you came from- “How are you?”

    “What?”

    Okay, so maybe some of his worries were a bit over the line, but doesn’t that just say he isn’t taking this Acceptance thing for granted? He’s Anxiety, what do you expect?

    “Y’know, I feel like none of us really ask each other that enough,” Patton adds, and for some reason, Virgil feels himself becoming increasingly uncomfortable by this conversation. “Or at least, I never hear anyone saying it around here. And that makes me sad! So, really, how are you, Kiddo?”

    How is he? His usual response would be a shrug and a “fine,” but he’d feel bad for lying to Patton when the man was asking him so genuinely.

    Wait, but that’s not a lie, is it? At this moment, Virgil really is just fine. Exhausted? Maybe. Uncomfortable and a tad anxious? Sure. But overall, he’s fine. So what does he tell Patton?

    “...I’m fine, I think?” And that was the genuine truth, because Virgil doesn’t truly know the line between ‘okay’ and ‘not okay.’ When you’ve been so far under ‘not okay,’ anything that’s even slightly better feels pretty damn ‘okay.’ “A bit tired, but fine. How are you?” he adds, realizing that maybe the reason Patton asked was that the poor guy never gets asked in return.

    Once again, the side beams with joy unlike any other. “I’m great! I get to hang out with you, after all!”

    Okay, this is absolutely not normal.

    “Pat, is there something you want from me?” Patton’s smile falls and he quirks his head in confusion, either genuinely not understanding Virgil’s allegation or still trying to play dumb. “You’re like, acting very kind for no reason- and you’re always nice, I guess, but you’re acting weird.”

     He immediately feels like he probably phrased that wrong because Patton now has this sad look on his face, eyes cast downward with a small frown. As quick as it appears, it’s gone, the usual Pat smile replacing it. “No, I don’t want anything.” He moves off the bed with a jump, dusting imaginary dust off his clothes. “I guess I probably shouldn’t stay here for too long. I’m gonna go watch movies, feel free to join me if you aren’t too tired!”

    Without another word, Patton leaves the room.

    What the hell was that about?

Chapter Text

    The strange conversations with Patton didn’t stop at the first one, but they did start to feel less weird.

    I mean, objectively, the topics of conversation were actually getting weirder, but the process of Patton coming to Virgil’s room to ask either a broad, general question or an obscure, specific one became much less peculiar to him. It was just Patton being Patton, right?

    “Does Pat ever come to your room to ask you random questions?” he eventually asks Logan, his curiosity getting the better of him. There’s no way this is only happening to Virgil.

    “Last Wednesday, he rose in just to ask me if sharks were amphibians,” Logan rolled his eyes, sipping at his morning ‘coffee’ (everyone knows it’s hot cocoa, but Logan seems to think it’s still a secret). “So I would say yes, depending on your definition of random.”

    Okay, but that’s just Patton being… confused. “But does he ever ask you personal questions? Like, ‘what’s your favourite marsupial?’ Or, ‘What kinda dreams do you have?’ Or, ‘What are your viewpoints on religion and how it affects society?’ Stuff like that.”

    Logan’s face contorts into shocked confusion, brow raised and lips parted. “Patton asked you that?”

    “Well, no, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he did with everything else he’s been asking me.”

    “Ah, I see.” The logical side’s face softens, his eyes peering at Virgil through his glasses in a way that- maybe he’s just being superstitious, but it feels like a knowing look, if that makes any sense. “It appears Patton is attempting to get to know you better, that’s all. I certainly hope you’re answering his questions sincerely.”

    “Yeah?” Well, he’s trying to answer them sincerely, but the deep or invasive ones get a bit more difficult for him. With those, Patton makes it clear that he doesn’t have to answer, but he doesn’t want to disappoint him. “Why such weird questions, though? Why does he have to know my favourite texture of paper to know me?”

    Logan simply shakes his head. “It is not the content of the questions that is most important. It is how he’s asking, and how you respond.”

    “What the heck is that supposed to mean?”

    “You’ll know, eventually.”

    So Logan was not very helpful.

    He would never go to Roman for help. Sure, they were at peace since Virgil ‘saved’ them from his room (even though it was his fault they were in there in the first place), but they still never really spoke to each other outside of group discussions. Roman might occasionally greet him in the morning, but Virgil certainly wasn’t ready to have actual conversations with him without freaking out in the process.

     You aren’t friends. Roman tolerates you because he has to for Thomas. You know this.

    He doesn’t need to, though. Eventually, he has a small revelation.

    Patton isn’t just doing this to get to know him, but earn his trust. And that’s an issue.

    Virgil’s never gotten the privilege to trust anyone. Even the kinder dark sides were completely untrustworthy when it came down to it, and the main sides perhaps hated him even more as children than adults. Even so, he doesn’t think he actually could trust someone. When you’re the physical embodiment of someone’s anxiety, is a feeling so intimate and open as trust even possible at all?

    He hates to do this, but it has to be mentioned to Patton. He feels guilty making the dad go through all of this effort with no possible results, so he might as well end it before the moral side gets frustrated with him for it. Virgil doesn’t think he could ever handle making Patton angry.

    Though, he’s sure it’ll happen eventually. That’s kinda what Anxiety does, after all.

/

    The knocks on the door, at first, was always around the same time every day. Six to eight Pm. Lately, though, it’s been completely sporadic. Sometimes it’s 10 Am, right before breakfast, and other times it’s almost midnight. There was no predicting it perfectly, but Virgil could make educated guesses based on what Patton is doing on what day.  The moral side was busy helping Thomas for most of the day this time, so it wasn’t much of a surprise when he came knocking at almost 11 Pm.

    His original plan was to immediately tell Patton, but he knew somewhere in the back of his head that wouldn’t happen. Once he sees the fatherly side’s bright smile, it’s just about impossible to not let him at least enter the room.

    “Heya Kiddo! How was your day?” It’s the same greeting as every other day. While Virgil may not always want to answer it (and he may not always answer truthfully), it’s a constant he’s beginning to enjoy.

    “S’been okay. You?” It doesn’t matter if he enjoys it or not; it ends here. He doesn’t want Patton to put in all this effort into him for nothing anymore.

    “Good, thanks for asking! Roman agreed to help me bake cookies tomorrow.” The moral facet moved to the bed, sitting on the side and swinging his legs as always. Virgil followed the routine as well, sitting on Patton’s right side with his own legs crisscrossed. The conversation pieces were always different, sure, but what made these moments comforting were all the things that never changed. It’ll suck to let go of it but, hey, he’s sure he can find new constants eventually.

    “So, Virge,” he starts, and Virgil can clearly hear in his tone that the question of the day is coming, and he prepares himself for his toughest answer yet. “What do you think about Logan and Roman?”

    ...Huh. That was an interesting question. It was treading into territory Patton had yet to cross, and Virgil almost wanted to explore that. Usually, if he pressed, he could get a reason for asking out of him-

    No, this needed to stop. He has to stop wasting Patton's time.

    “Pat, you don't have to keep doing this anymore.” He wants nothing more than to keep the father figure from getting upset during this conversation, but the way he's phrasing it is too passive. Or at least, it wouldn't get the right point across. “In fact, it's probably best you… don't.”

    He wanted nothing more than to look at anything but Patton’s face, but he needed to know how the other was responding to this. He couldn’t spot any signs of him being upset. It was hard to tell what Patton was expressing, though; he looked uncharacteristically blank. “What'd ya mean?”

    “I mean-” Virgil’s voice, of course, cracked embarrassingly, so he cleared his throat. “Look, I get that you want to earn my trust, or something, but I’m Anxiety. It’s not really possible for me to even do that. You shouldn’t waste time on something that can’t happen.” If he was talking to any other side, he would be worried about their stubbornness getting in the way of them just dropping it there, but this was Patton; surely he didn’t have the same mulish tendencies as the others, right?

    “Oh.” The moral side grew a sad smile on his face, and just that was enough to drive Virgil’s thoughts to panic. Was it pity? Oh god, he could not take Patton pitying him. Or maybe he read it wrong. Maybe there’s actually anger there, and he’s not sure which one was worse. “You really think the only reason I’m doing this is to get you to trust me?”

    “...isn't it?” Sure, Logan suggested it was to get to know him, but the questions Patton has been asking aren't really effective in that matter, in his opinion. What else reason would there be?

    Silence leaks into the room for a moment. Virgil's not sure how much time has passed - his clock, while aesthetically pleasing, is completely useless when it comes to its actual function as a clock, and that's a pretty solid metaphor for Virgil himself that Logan would be proud of - but he finds every second to be absolute torture. Then Patton was growing another smile on his face, one more, hopeful? Than the last one, and asked, “Do you wanna hug?”

    “What?” Where in the world did that come from? Did Patton think he needed comfort? For what? “I mean, sure? I don't really care either wa- why?”

    The moral side put his hand on his chin as if trying to solve a mystery; it reminded Virgil of the ‘Sherlock and Watson’ shtick he and Logan had. “Well, you see, you don't have to, but I would like a hug. And not just any hug, but one from you specifically.”

    Oh.

    Yeah, there was definitely enough emphasis in there to get the point across. But would Patton actually be just doing this because he wanted to? Why would he want to talk to hi-

     He literally just said he did, asshole! Stop being edgy and accept it!

    Virgil put his face in his palms and groaned, putting his legs up as well. “I'm a dumbass.”

     “Virgil Anxiety Sanders!” He was half expecting Patton to hit him for that one, but this is Patton we're talking about, here. “I don't know if I should scold you for your language or for talking bad about yourself!”

    “Neither, preferably.” He chuckled into his hands, but with the father figure still frowning at him, he decided to change the subject. “You uh, still want that hug?”

    Patton immediately brightened and, without any further warning, wrapped his arms around Virgil and settled his head on his shoulder.

     Ugh.

    Hugs were, well… he had a love-hate relationship with them. They were warm and comforting, sure, but once they were over Virgil felt nothing but cold. If anything, it was just inconvenient. On worse days, it would probably be suffocating.

    The keyword is Probably; the amount of hugs he's gotten in his lifetime, or any physical affection for that matter, is a pretty low amount. He got a few embraces from Patton as kids, maybe, but his hug-count is only at two from the last 20 years, and both of those were recent. Any other side, dark or light, have never even thought to touch him.

    Well, not in a positive way, at least. Has he been punched in the face? Sure, but half the dark sides were scared of him, so it only happened once.

    He was broken out of his thoughts when the oh-so-lovely cold feeling hit his arms as Patton pulled away, and it took all his power to resist wrapping his own arms around himself. (Did he pull his sleeves down more? Maybe, but that's beside the point.) “So you get it now, Kiddo?”

    “I mean, I guess, but why?” He’s trying not to think that Patton is lying to him - he’s had enough of liars from his past - but why would his only reason for this just be that he wants to? Even if Patton just genuinely wants to talk to Virgil, then why like this? What does he really gain from asking one random question a day?

    “Hmm,” Patton lied back on the bed with his arms sprawled out, his legs still hanging off enough to swing up and down. It seemed the side never really knew what to do with his body. “Well, I wanted to hang out with you! But I didn’t want to overwhelm you, so I thought I could just pop in every day for only a few minutes. You didn’t seem too unhappy about it the first time, so I decided to ask you little questions so you wouldn’t have to worry about making conversation.”

    “You… thought about all that for me?” Every little detail, Patton set for him. When it became a constant for him, he never thought the other side might be doing it on purpose. Patton would often add his own comments to the questions, giving Virgil time to think and to feel less like a spotlight was on him. Even the way he knocked was the same every time: Two quick beats, a knock none of the others would have. And Patton wanted to do it?

    The moral side simply beamed, and Virgil was suddenly struck with the realization that he was going to have to find a way to repay him. “Of course! I was gonna keep the timing the same, too, but I uh, tend to get distracted.” He let out a nervous giggle, seriously how does someone this pure even exist- “One more thing, though. I don’t agree with your original idea.”

    With Virgil’s brow furrowed, Patton continued. “You said it was impossible for you to trust anyone. I know you’re… Anxiety, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t able to have trust!”

    Virgil scoffed. “I’ve definitely never trusted anyone before.” There was a voice in the back of his head, quiet but strong, whispering to him that he was technically lying, but he chose to ignore it.

    “But, maybe someday, you could?”

    “I don’t know,” he admitted, mainly not wanting to disappoint Patton. “We’ll see.”

Chapter Text

    Today was not a good day for Virgil Sanders.

    And you know that it's bad if he's complaining about it- Virgil tries to never whine about bad days because all days are kinda shitty. However, this one has put him at his breaking point, and that's pretty damn hard to accomplish.

    So what, exactly, brought him here?

    Well, it wasn't great for Thomas, either. Neither of them got good sleep (if “Remy,” as the fans call him, existed, then Virgil would have some choice words for him) and getting up early for an audition was not something Thomas or any of the sides were completely up for, even Roman. Then, tired and naive as he was, Thomas decided to drink coffee to get an extra energy boost.

    “Virgil,” Logan started in the same tone a warning mother would give. “Why, exactly, are you allowing Thomas to drink a caffeinated beverage when you know better than anyone it heightens his anxiety?”

    Virgil scoffed in response. “It’s fine, he needs it. I can control myself.” And that wasn’t a complete lie. If need be, he can stop himself from sending too many waves of anxiety to Thomas, keeping them in himself instead. The flaw in that plan is it only ends up heightening Virgil’s anxiety.

    That’s why Thomas doesn’t have anxiety attacks.

    That’s why Virgil does.

    It doesn’t happen often, per se- but what even is often when it comes to panic attacks? Is about once every month often? The answer to that doesn’t really matter. The point is, they’re manageable; from what he’s heard, it only puts Thomas on edge. He does still feel bad for that, sure, but at least he can sleep easy at night (not really) knowing he isn’t giving his host attacks.

    He’s already feeling extremely antsy once they get to the audition place, but he tries his best to keep as much of it in. Roman was squealing with excitement at this point, the coffee kicking in for him in a completely different way, and Virgil couldn’t ruin that for him.

    “ Finally, we’re doing auditions again! It’s been way too long!” The romantic side looked towards Virgil, who was currently trying very hard not to look like an anxious mess. “I’m surprised you’re not freaking out about this yet.”

     Don’t mess up don’t mess up don’t- “Oh, you’re feeling just enough anticipation for the both of us, Princey.” He tried to keep his voice as monotone and apathetic as possible, but that was very difficult when he could barely hear himself over the screams of his anxious thoughts. “I’m gonna head to my room. Break a leg, or whatever.”

    He didn’t miss the concerned look Patton threw his way, but he knew the father figure would stay put to watch their host (and Roman) perform. Someone had to praise them afterward, or mend to Thomas’s bruised ego (also Roman) if it went wrong.

    The decision to move to his room so he wouldn’t see, or make, Thomas fail was a good idea in theory. In practice, however, it was just another amplifier to his own anxiety. He would usually stick around in the background, just in case he was needed to make Thomas run off stage in embarrassment. Then he would hear Thomas and Roman’s singing - sometimes Patton would even join in for that extra emotional touch - and be almost immediately soothed, as long as they didn’t mess up. And, of course, Roman rarely messed up.

    Now, he couldn’t see them, couldn’t hear them, could only feel the light tugs of their simple existence outside. He would usually be able to tell if anything went wrong because of that, but he couldn’t focus on them for the life of him. If anything goes bad, if Thomas slips, then Virgil won’t be there to catch him this time. It’ll probably be his fault, too; whoever thought holding back Anxiety was easy?

    Being anxious about being anxious is a very Virgil thing to do.

    He stops the pacing he was doing around his room (damn caffeine) and instead sits on the floor by his bed, knees up to his chest. He isn’t hyperventilating yet, thankfully, but both his mind and heart are racing way too much for comfort. If he’s lucky, he can get through this one without complete panic. There’s no reason to freak out about something so small, right?

    No, no, wrong way to think right now. He’s not pathetic or idiotic for being anxious, despite what that little voice (It’s his own voice, he knows it is) wants to tell him. That being said, what is the right way to think? He remembers reading somewhere that the best way to fight off Anxiety - bad choice of words - is to work on something distracting, like a puzzle, but he doesn’t think he has the strength to summon anything right now and he’s certainly not going to steal from Logan again-

    He feels a tug.

     Shit shit shit, he did that, didn’t he? He forgot to focus on keeping it in, he let it leak into Thomas and now he probably screwed up the audition and he’s not there to fix it for them and they’re gonna be angry at him and--

    It’s dumb, he knows it’s dumb to freak out over one little mistake, one little audition- what’s it called? Cognitive something? He can’t just blame the coffee for it, or his role as Anxiety because he can control it and he didn’t. Thomas is probably still on stage right now, Roman trying to recover as he’s filled with anger towards Virgil, and even Patton would end up scolding him for what he did, and oh god he does not have the will to handle the only side who ever showed any care for him finally learning that he doesn’t deserve it.

    He finally realizes he’s not breathing and tries to take a breathe, choking up and beginning to hyperventilate instead. He puts all his focus on keeping it in, letting as little of the panic as possible reach Thomas. He knows all too well that just makes it worse for him, the horrid thoughts banging against the walls and eventually giving up to attack Virgil instead, but he’d rather go through that than break his promise of never using his power against his host.

    Anxiety will choose to attack himself over Thomas, always.

    He doesn’t know how, but he can feel the presence of someone in his room and immediately tenses up even more. He thought they would at least wait to punish him once they were settled back home, but now they’re going to see him like this and get even more angry . Or, shit, what if it’s not one of them and it’s actually a dark side? He’s not sure which one is worse.

    “-irgil? Can --- he-- -- -iddo?” The voice was fading in and out, but he immediately recognized it as Patton’s and almost instinctively made grabby motions with one of his hands. He’s here to yell at you, Anxiety. What are you doing? He hates y-

    Patton almost immediately grabbed his hand. “I’m --re, Virgil. Fo--- -n me, focus on m- -oice.” The moral side was suddenly moving. Now Virgil’s hand rested on what he assumed was Patton’s chest, as he felt the slow rise and fall of his breathing.

    It took him a moment to realize Patton wanted him to follow that breathing, and it took him even longer to hear that the paternal figure was counting it out, too.

     In for 1-2-3-4.

    Hold for 1-2-3-4-5-6-7.

    Out for 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8.

     He realizes this is the first time anyone has ever counted it out for him. This is the first time he isn’t alone getting through an anxiety attack.

    After multiple tries, his breathing had calmed down enough for Patton to remove the hand from his chest. He still kept it in his own hand, though, gently rubbing his thumb against the back in a way that almost made Virgil shiver. “Can you talk, Kiddo?”

    He’s never tried to talk after an attack, but he’s surprised when he manages to let out a feeble “Yeah.” He has a feeling that if Patton didn’t arrive as soon as he did, this wouldn’t be the case.

    Patton was silent for a moment, continuing to gently stroke the anxious side’s hand. “...Virgil, you have panic attacks? That’s what that was, right?”

    “Yeah.”

    “But Thomas doesn’t have panic attacks.”

    The fact that the other sides didn’t know how Anxiety worked wasn’t really on purpose. Surely, they could have inferred it from the opposing times where Thomas has more anxiety than Virgil and vice versa. However, it wasn’t an accident that he never explained it. If they knew, would they fear it as the dark sides do? Logan would most likely find a way to control it completely, while Roman would immediately dub the power as evil.

    Patton wouldn’t do either of those things. “...I can control how much anxiety I give Thomas.” It was, partially, why he was able to ‘duck out.’ Just hide off in the farthest corner of the mind and hold in all your anxieties and suddenly, boom: Thomas has ‘no’ Anxiety. “It’s like a scale. The more I give him, the less I have. The less I give him, the more I have.”

    The moral side put a hand over his own mouth in… shock? Fear? Virgil couldn’t quite tell what the other was feeling, but his questions were answered for him when Patton suddenly lunged towards him and pulled him into a hug.

    “I’m so sorry, Virgil.” Patton had his arms protectively embracing Virgil’s upper back, his chin resting on his shoulder. “I had no idea. How long… how often does this happen?”

    Usually, Virgil would have pulled away by now, telling Patton to ask before he touches him. At this point, though, he was both physically and emotionally exhausted from his attack, and the hug itself was making water prick at his eyes. “I don’t know, about every one or two months? It’s not a big deal, it’s been happening since I was a kid.”

    Apparently that was the wrong response, Patton tightening his grip and burying his face more into Virgil’s neck. “Please come to me next time you start to feel like that, okay?” His voice sounded slightly choked up with his own tears, making a jumbled up wave of emotions hit the anxious side that he wasn’t sure he could deal with.

    “I’ll try,” he said, because ‘I will’ would be a lie. If Patton really wanted him to, if it really hurt him that much to see Virgil like this, then he would try, but he can’t promise he’ll make it.

    Patton sniffs and loosens his grip, but doesn’t let go of the side in his arms. It was his way of saying if Virgil wanted to, he could remove himself from the embrace (he didn’t). “Is there any way you could… balance the scale? Give some and keep some?”

    “I’m not going to give Thomas unnecessary anxiety just so I don’t have to deal with it.” He only gives Thomas some when he has to, when he needs to know of dangers. In the past, a snake would whisper in his ear and tell him when he had to, but now he had to figure that out on his own. Sometimes, many times, he still messed up. “I can handle it, Patton.”

    (Okay, so maybe he sometimes does it for fun, too, like after horror movies, but those same movies can also make him forget what Thomas needs to worry about and what he doesn’t. At least he’s trying his best not to keep him up all night with embarrassing moments from the past.)

    “You shouldn’t have to deal with panic attacks just to keep Thomas okay! Couldn’t you just give him a little? To keep both of you okay?”

    While that may sound nice, there’s no way he would even consider it. Patton wouldn’t accept that answer, though, would he? “I don’t even know if it’s possible to just ‘balance it out,’ Pat.”

    The moral side finally pulled away from the embrace, but only so he could look into Virgil’s eyes to plead. His hands remained resting on the other’s upper arms. “Can you at least try?”

    “...Yeah, I’ll try,” he lied. He hates lying, for an obvious reason, but Patton wouldn’t have taken any other answer. He’s optimistic, always looking for a compromise, always looking to leave no one hurt, but that can’t always be. “I’m sorry for messing up the audition. I usually have better control.”

    Patton raised a brow at that. “Kiddo, you didn’t do anything. Roman fumbled on a line and panicked. The audition… did not go well after that,” he giggled nervously.

    ...Huh. So that tug he felt earlier wasn’t from Virgil making something go wrong, but from Roman? Meaning this whole debacle was just a waste of time, for Virgil and for Patton.

    “Oh, shoot,” Patton suddenly whispered. “I should probably go make sure he’s doing okay. You know how he gets when auditions don’t go great. Um-”

    “I’ll be okay, Pat. I just want to sleep.” Whether or not he would actually fall asleep once Patton left was questionable. He certainly felt tired enough to, but you could never know what his brain would decide once he actually lies down.

    Unfortunately, Patton didn’t seem to agree to that notion, his face falling into a frown. “I don’t want to just leave you here. This doesn’t seem like a nice place to be after a panic attack.” His gaze fell down to his lap in thought, until he looked back up at Virgil with a small, considerate smile. “Would you be willing to nap on the couch in the commons? I’ll make sure no one bothers you, I just don’t want you completely alone right now.”

    Virgil sighed, giving in. “Okay, fine.” How could he say no to Patton, especially when the other was just trying to look out for him? Plus, he did say he would make sure no one bothered Virgil.

    He let Patton lead him out of the dark room and into the commons, and he even let the moral side “tuck him in” on the couch. Despite the commotion around him with Roman’s whining, and the discomfort of the couch compared to a warm bed, he fell asleep rather quickly, not even having any dreams to wake him up.

    He still feels bad for lying to Patton, but his morals remain the same: Anxiety will always attack himself over Thomas.

Chapter Text

    After the events that transpired during Thomas’s wreck of an audition, Patton and Virgil began to make more time for each other.

    Well, more like Patton made more time for him. Their daily meetups went from five minutes to almost twenty minutes every day, most of them ending with goofing off and terrible dad jokes. And now, Patton seemingly wants to hang out with him at the most random times; they watch movies together, make meals together- sometimes, they just talk, for potentially hours.

    And Virgil’s enjoying it.

    Yes, Anxiety's enjoying social interaction, what a shocker. But Patton has this way of making three hours feel like thirty minutes. The conversations they have are indulging without ever putting too much stress or anxiety on him. Even when they aren’t talking or doing something, the silence doesn’t have even a tint of awkwardness to it - at least, that’s the case most of the time.

    He doesn’t want to jinx it, but it almost seems like Patton and him are friends.

    One night, during one of their daily meetups, Patton asks just that:

    “Virgil, are we friends?” It comes out hesitantly, almost sounding scared.

    It was certainly shocking to him that Patton even felt the need to ask that. It always seemed like he just kinda knew. He was emotional intelligence, wasn’t he? It typically allowed him to have a better understanding of Virgil’s feelings and reasons for doing anything, so why would he need to ask something like that?

    The answer: Patton gets insecure sometimes, too. And that makes Virgil feel… something. He’s not very good at this yet.

    To further prove his point, Patton starts to ramble nervously. “C-cause I know to me you're my friend, but people have different thresholds for friendship. Like, Logan’s my friend but he probably only considers me a business partner, and Roman- I don’t know about Roman, actually. I should probably ask him. B-but it’s okay if you don’t consider me a friend yet! Or ever, but I’d like to think that someday-”

    “Patton!” Virgil moved to put his hands on the moral side’s shoulders. Sure, he wasn’t much of a touchy guy, but he knew it was something that grounded the other. “Remember, you’re in my room. You’re just gonna get yourself way more anxious doing that.”

    “Right, sorry,” the emotional facet laughed nervously. “So…?”

    He takes a moment to answer. He’s never really thought about it before, or more like he was scared to think about it. If he started considering anyone his friend, what if they didn’t feel the same? What if he got too attached and fucks it up? But with Patton sounding so anxious, so hesitant about even asking Virgil, it would be a crime if he didn’t say anything but yes.

    “I’ve never had a friend before,” oh, goddammit. Can’t his mouth just do what it’s told? “I mean, I guess if anyone is, it’s you. So, yeah. You’re my friend, I guess.”

    Patton seemed satisfied with that answer, if him tackling Virgil in a hug was anything to go by.

    So, in most cases, they got along together just fine. There were a few things that needed to be worked on, like Patton forgetting to ask before squeezing the life out of him, but otherwise, Virgil seemed to be doing pretty alright at this “healthy relationship” sort of thing, surprisingly. There was just one other problem, though:

    Patton did not like Virgil's jokes.

    The moral side's brand of humor was that uplifting, silly type. It never brought anyone down, and even those that pretended to hate it (Logan) could sometimes be caught fighting back a smile. Virgil’s humor, on the other hand, was debatably the opposite. It’s not that he attacked others - or he tried not to too much - but he attacked one person specifically: Himself.

    They were just jokes, most of the time, typical millennial self-depreciation humor, but Patton didn’t get that. The moral side would not resist fighting anyone who would hurt his “kiddos,” but what do you do when it’s self-inflicted? His immediate reaction is to scold- not in a harsh way, of course, this is still Patton we’re talking about. And, really, can you blame the old, fatherly soul?

    It’s almost amusing to see Patton get worked up every time Virgil makes a “harmful” comment about himself, like a weird game. The real problem, though, was that now he was highly aware of just how much he did it. He didn’t mean to, as it surely got annoying for the others, but it just came out naturally at whatever chance he got.

    This should all be a minor inconvenience, right? Well, Virgil thought so, too, until he was summoned into the commons.

    He was expecting to pop up in his normal spot on the stairs, but instead, he was welcomed by a strange scene in the kitchen; Patton, Logan, Roman, and Thomas were all there, surrounding what looked to be a large mason jar. A sticky note was on it, but it was being covered by Patton’s hand.

    “Uh, what’s going on?” For whatever reason, Virgil felt the strong urge to hide into his hood and bolt away. This whole scene, with all of them now staring at him, made it feel very… confrontational. That always put his mind into some dark places.

    Thankfully, the others seemed just as confused. Thomas made a shrugging gesture as Patton clasped his hands together with a grin, then realized his mistake and recovered the jar. “Great! We’re all here.”

    From Virgil’s left, Logan sighed. “Patton, please make… whatever this is, quick. I was in the middle of preparing our schedule for next month with Thomas.”

    Roman chimed in next with a hum. “And I was in the middle of a very important quest!”

    “Shouldn’t you also be working, Roman?”

    “We can worry about that later!” the moral side chimed in, sensing the tension that could lead to a fight between the two stubborn sides. Arguments between Roman and Logan weren’t uncommon, and it was always up to poor Patton to diffuse them. “But right now, I wanna show you guys something!” Patton removed his hand from the empty jar to reveal the words on the sticky note:

     ‘INSULTS TO VIRGIL’

    “Wha-”

    “So!” Patton interrupts Virgil’s questioning immediately. “Every time someone says something bad about Virgil, Thomas has to put two dollars in this jar.”

    Surprisingly enough, Logan is the first to protest. “Isn’t two dollars a bit excessive? One dollar would be a much more proper amount that could always be easily paid.”

    The paternal side simply smiled brightly. “Well, that’s where the second rule comes in! Every time Virgil makes a mean comment about himself, Thomas pays a dollar.”

    Oh, this would not do. Before Virgil could even begin to complain, Roman scoffed- as per usual. “Why should Thomas have to pay money just because The Corpse Side can’t say anything good about himself?”

    “Two dollars in the jar, Thomas!” Patton called out.

    “Wha- hey-” Roman sputtered out, making Virgil almost chuckle. This whole thing was ridiculous, really. “C’mon, it was just a silly nickname! Surely Virgil was not insulted by it- right, Virgil?”

    Virgil couldn’t help but grow a mischevious smile, before putting on a fake ‘woe is me’ face. “Oh, I was extremely insulted by it. It hurt so badly, struck right at my heart. I can feel my self-esteem breaking at the seams. How could you say something like that, Roman? I trusted you!”

    Okay, so maybe he got a bit too dramatic at the end there. His performance seemed to work, however, as Roman sputtered in protest and Thomas put his money in the jar with laughter. “I really don’t mind paying, Roman. It’s just saving up my own money, and it’s not like any of you could pay with anything real.”

    “I must say, it is a particularly ingenious idea.” Virgil was somewhat shocked; it was rare for Logan to compliment anyone on their cleverness willingly, especially Patton. “It encourages Virgil to break an unhealthy habit while also encouraging Thomas to save a small sum of money for emergencies. With the frequency of Virgil’s self-deprecating comments and Roman’s unnecessary nicknames, it should build up rather quickly.”

    Seeing the way Roman was reacting to this, Patton let his fatherly instincts kick in once again. “Now, hey, let’s not put a target on Roman. This is for all of us!” At that, Logan and Virgil give each other the look; with the way this is set up, it’s clear the only one who will ever be making Thomas pay two dollars is his very own Creativity.

    “Yeah, no.” The banter was fun while it lasted, but this had to be put to a stop. “This is ridiculous. The only two reasons money is ever going in that jar is A. Roman gives me some dumb nickname, or B. I make a joke. Both reasons are completely harmless.”

    “Falsehood.” He saw fond smiles form on both Patton and Thomas’s face at the word. Virgil, on the other hand, wasn’t sure if it felt like an old friend or an old enemy. “There have been many studies on how self-deprecating humor can affect a person’s emotional and psychological wellbeing, some even concluding that it can overall improve it. However, those studies are specifically directed towards when it is just comedy, as it shows a healthy level of humidity and confidence in who they are. Virgil, it seems you don’t know the difference between ‘self-deprecating humor’ and self- hatred.”

     Shit. Virgil crosses his arms and scoffs. “I know the difference.”

    “Right, let me rephrase. You refuse to acknowledge the difference.” Logan’s posture suddenly relaxes, his voice softening. “There is no humor in what you say about yourself to us, because you’re saying it to yourself, too. They’re psychological attacks, and you believe every single one of them.”

    He doesn’t know why, but he feels anger build up inside him. Why are they doing this? Do they really not see the obvious here? “Yeah, of course I believe them. Can you really blame me? They’re just facts, I’m not exactly a good side of Thomas.”

    “That’s a dollar.”

    “Patton-”

“Virgil.” It’s Thomas who speaks for Patton, instead. “The stuff I hear you say about yourself isn’t true. Or at most, it’s only true at your worst.” Thomas took out his wallet once again, putting in a dollar for Virgil’s most recent comment. “Your worst isn’t you. You are a good side of me, just one that can be bad. And, y’know what, I’m pretty sure that’s true for all of you!”

    “Virgil, it…” Patton paused for a moment, gathering his thoughts. It was often a bit difficult for him to talk in highly emotional conversations, as he’s told Virgil. “It makes me really sad that you would think of yourself like that, I just wanted to help you! I know you can’t just start loving yourself overnight, so I thought a good first step would be to lessen the bad thoughts, first? I care about you, Kiddo, and I want you to feel the way I feel about you.”

    Virgil was not about to cry in front of them. Thankfully, he has grown some skill over the years in holding it in.

    He heard a dramatic sigh come from none other than the drama man Roman Sanders himself. “If it can help you, then I guess I’m on board as well. I do have to promote self-care, after all.”

    Part of Virgil still wanted to run away with his hood up, but another part of him was feeling very, very warm. “Okay, fine. You can keep the dumb jar, just don’t go bothering me about it all the time. I’m going to my room.” He almost sank out without another word, but he decided there was one more thing needed to do. “Pat, can we talk?”

    “Sure, Kiddo.” And with that, Patton and Virgil sunk out of the kitchen back to Anxiety’s room.

    The anxious side moved to sit on his bed where he was more comfortable. “Look, I just wanted to say- I still think the jar thing is ridiculous, but, uh-” Oh, fuck it. “Thank you, for caring, and all that.”

    There was a thick silence that made Virgil want to hide under his covers. He was way too scared to look at the father figure’s face, but as it went on, he decided it was his only option.

    Alarm bells went off in his head as he saw the tears running down Patton’s face, along with a watery smile. “Patton?” His body almost instinctually stood up, though he’s not sure what he plans to do now that he’s here.

    “O-oh, I’m okay Kiddo, really, just-” Patton sniffed and rubbed at his eyes, still grinning at Virgil. “I don’t know, I’m really proud of you, Virgil. You- things aren’t perfect, but you’ve come a long way, and-” he laughs into his hands as another wave of tears come in. “Happy tears, I promise.”

    “I- you really…?” Virgil wasn’t tearing up. His vision was blurred, sure, but he absolutely wasn’t tearing up.

    Patton extended out his arms. “Hugs?”

    Virgil practically fell into the embrace.

    By the end of the first week, there was already sixteen dollars in the jar, twelve of it being from Virgil alone. In just one week, the anxious side made twelve bad comments about himself, represented so neatly in every dollar bill.

    Every week, that number got smaller and smaller.

Chapter Text

    Patton and Logan were… up to something.

    To be fair, Logan was almost always up to something; there’s a reason everyone thought he was Curiosity as a kid. His experiments typically never went too far, but he was always testing the sides to take in every piece of knowledge he possibly could. Virgil couldn’t even count how many times the logical side attempted to test his fight or flight reflexes, but that endeavor was stopped once Logan stopped throwing projectiles and got into punching range.

    It wasn’t that bad. His nose barely bled!

    When Patton was up to something, it was typically a harmless joke or prank, and he was pretty obvious about it. He’d go around stifling giggles and making suggestive comments, but no one had the heart to ever call him out on it except Logan. There were also the occasions where the father figure would prepare a surprise for another side, typically something small like bake something or make a card. (Just a week ago, Virgil woke up to find a small batch of cookies decorated with black and purple icing made for him. He absolutely did not almost cry.)

    But this wasn’t some prank or surprise. He wasn’t even sure if it was an experiment, either. Something was wrong.

    The two were talking a lot, which wouldn’t have sparked any worries in Virgil alone - they were getting closer, good for them. The strange part about it was it was often in hushed tones in rooms they were alone in. Whenever Virgil would walk in the room, they’d immediately freeze their conversation. Does he really have to explain why that would be anxiety-inducing on its own?

    It was at this point he decided to ask the only other side around that didn’t seem to be in on it, or at least, he hoped so. If all three of them were planning something then that means they were excluding Virgil for a reason and- nope, let’s not go down that path yet.

    “Have you noticed Logan and Patton acting any different recently?” he asked Roman when he found him reading something on his phone in the commons. He almost asked him what he was looking at, but there’s no way the prince would ever actually admit to reading broadway fanfiction.

    “No, should I have?” The romantic side didn’t even bother to look up from the phone.

    “I think they’re planning something.” When Roman finally looked up from his scrolling, Virgil eyed him suspiciously with crossed arms. “You’re in on it too, aren’t you?”

    The prince scoffed and rolled his eyes. “Now you’re just being paranoid, Sam Spade.” He thought for a moment, hand on his chin as if rubbing a fake beard. “I think I heard them whispering in the kitchen the other day, but that’s all you’re getting out of me, detective.”

    “Thanks for all the help,” Virgil muttered sarcastically, but Roman was already zoned back onto his phone by then.

    But of course, there’s more. While his and Patton’s interactions have mostly remained the same since the label of “friendship” was put on them, Logan was acting particularly different. He would have casual conversations and small talk with Virgil (normal), with added casual touches (NOT normal) and a journal in his hands to scribble notes in (ALSO not normal). To say all of this was stressing Virgil out was an understatement.

    Things were only made worse when he finally managed to overhear one of their Secret Kitchen Conversations.™ He’d like to say he didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but the moment he heard the two whispering once again, he couldn’t help but hide around the corner to try to pick up on what they were saying.

    “--inally agree this is bad?” Even with their voices hushed, he could make out the tone of Patton’s quite easily.

    “You cannot blame me for finding the situation simply impossible, Patton, but yes. The evidence clearly points to your hypothesis being correct.” It was a bit rare to hear Logan so willingly admit to being in the wrong about something, so at least that fact was refreshing.

    There was a moment of silence before Patton’s voice spoke up almost sadly. “Lo, what do we do? I don’t know how he’d react if we were just upfront about it. What if he just hides?” ...Oh?

     You don’t know if they’re talking about you. This could be about Roman, he has his problems, too- or even Thomas himself-

    “I’m afraid that is where my help ends. As emotional intelligence, you must rely on yourself to confront him. Virgil trusts you much more, after all.”

    Virgil didn’t bother listening to anymore as he ducked out from the scene.

    He began pacing and running his hands in his hair the moment he got back into his room. What had he done recently that was, as Patton said, bad? He’s been trying so hard not to be too difficult for Thomas, but did he slip somewhere? Maybe, maybe--

    Maybe he’s the bad thing.

    No, that- surely that can’t be it, right? There’s always been a part of Virgil that knows thinks this won’t last forever, but those fears shrank to specks in the back of his head with Patton’s friendship. Patton wouldn’t give up on him that easily, right?

    It was even Patton himself who proposed this Bad Thing to Logan, and the logical side didn't agree until recently. Wouldn't Roman know, too? Then again, Roman's an actor; he could have easily been lying to Virgil when he asked. And if they were to kick him out, wouldn't it be Patton, Morality , who would realize he needed to go, especially now that he knows what kind of power he has over Thomas?

    Before he has a chance to spiral anymore, he hears a knock at his door. Patton.

    “Uh, come in.” He didn't bother answering the door as he plopped himself on the bed, trying his best to pull himself together. The father figure was way too good at reading him for this.

    “Heya, kiddo!” Patton waltzed into the room with a bright smile on his face, as always, and sat next to Virgil. He immediately began to swing his legs, but suddenly stopped when he looked at the anxious side. “You okay? You look a bit tense.”

    “Oh, yeah. Something, uh, fell off one of my shelves a minute ago and it scared me, that’s all.” The lie came out way too easily for comfort. If he was going to have to lie, he’d at least prefer it to be difficult.

    “Oh, heh, okay!” Patton tried to bring his smile back to normal, but he didn’t look completely convinced. “How was your day today, then?”

    Virgil let himself slouch, bringing back at least some normality to this conversation. “Uh, good, I guess. Nothing really happened.” Lies lies lies.

    “Okay! Um-” The emotional side suddenly looked… Nervous? Oh god, this is it, he’s gonna tell you to leave, to go back to the dark sides, isn’t he? You’re dangerous, after all. Why would he ever trust you to make decisions for the team when you can’t even hold in your own anxiety? Why would he ever trust you at all when you can’t even give him the same? You’re just trouble, you- “Virgil?”

    “I’m fine, just- just say what you were gonna say.”

     "You don't look fine.” He fixed the frown on his face by replacing it with that same worried smile he gives whenever something's wrong with Virgil. “Can you do your breathing exercise? Just once, for me?”

    Virgil did as he was told, counting the seconds in his head for each step, mainly just to please Patton. He wouldn't want to worry him anymore, after everything else he's done. Why is Pat even doing this if he's just going to drop him?

     Stop. No one's dropping anyone, it's just- cognitive distortions. Anxiety. All that fun stuff.

    “Can I ask what set it off, bud?” Morality asked carefully, in that soft tone he reserves for moments of heightened anxiety.

    “Just-” he sighed desperately. He wanted to let Patton bring it up himself, but he didn't want to lie to the side anymore, either. “You and Logan have been acting weird, and I heard you in the kitchen talking- I didn't hear much, but I heard my name and something ‘bad’ so I just kinda jumped to conclusions and--” he groaned with a hand on his face, the other raking through his hair. “You get the point.”

    “Oh- oh, Kiddo.” Patton moved instinctually to comfort Virgil, but flinched back as a second thought. “I'm sorry we scared you, but it's not like that! There was just something worrying I noticed and I needed Logan's help proving- this probably isn't helping much.”

    “Not really,” Virgil snorted. “But I, uh, appreciate the effort?”

    The moral facet sighed and rubbed at the back of his neck. “I'll just… Virgil, do you know what touch starvation is?”

    Oh.

    Now that explains a lot. Logan's casual touches, the note-taking, Patton's need for his help - of course he knew what that was. He had a Tumblr, after all. “Patton, I'm not touch-starved. How would that even be possible if Thomas isn't?”

    “That's what Logan said too, at first, but he agreed to test the idea. He even gave me his notes.” Patton conjured a notebook and handed it to Virgil. “Sometimes, I can get a bit lonely even when Thomas is doing just fine. It's not impossible.”

    Virgil flipped to the first pages of the journal. He expected an organized table, with how Logan is, but it was really just organized chaos. Results from each day and interaction were labeled, but notes and thoughts were also scribbled in the margins. It was interesting, seeing this side to Logan, but he had more pressing matters to attend to. “This is ridiculous.”

    “Is it?” Patton scooted closer to the anxious side, glancing at the notebook over his shoulder. “Virgil, before you started hanging around us when the videos started, had you ever been hugged?”

    “Dark sides do not do hugs.”

    He heard a small whining sound come from Patton, clearly not enjoying the topic at hand. Virgil wasn’t much, either. “A pat on the back? Handshakes? Anything? ”

    “Not really, no.” He decided then that he could definitely, absolutely never tell Patton about the time he got punched in the face. “But it really isn’t a big deal. Yeah, touch is nice and all, but I don’t need it.” Did he sometimes want to curl up in Patton’s arms and sleep? Sure, but that’s just sleep deprivation. Did he feel cold after prolonged touch? Yeah, but that’s just how he is!

    Right?

    Did he almost cry the last two times he got hugs from Patton? Yes, but they were emotional moments, it wasn’t the hug itself that did it. Right?

    Has he almost cried just about every time Patton has hugged him? Does it sometimes feel like fire when a side merely brushes their hand against his? Well…

    “Virgil,” Patton practically whined his name in despair. If Virgil wasn’t currently having a mini-crisis and questioning his entire life, he would have been touched by the side’s empathy towards him. “Can I please hug you?”

    How could he say no to that, when Patton was looking at him with those sad, puppy-dog eyes? Even Logan had trouble denying that sad look. “I-I mean, sure, but I’m not--”

    Patton didn’t even give him a chance to finish his sentence as warm hands wrapped around him, chin resting on his shoulder. The father figure didn’t squeeze too tight as he sometimes did in emotional moments but instead found the perfect weight balance. It was warm, safe, all-encompassing and almost too much yet not enough.

    “Pat, come on,” He didn’t even notice the tears in his eyes until the words came out choked up. Why the hell was he crying? He’s not- he’s just not used to it, to feeling loved--

    Why is he so against the idea that he needs touch?

    “Even if you’re not,” Patton spoke into Virgil’s skin, making him suppress a shiver. “Being isolated for that long, be-being hated-” he gave Virgil a small squeeze as he took in a shaky breath. “It doesn’t make you weak to need affection. You deserve to feel loved, Virgil.”

    That’s when Virgil finally broke in Patton’s arms.

    He wasn’t sobbing - Virgil would never let himself sob in front of another side, thank you - but tears were certainly streaming down his face as he pathetically curled into Patton’s chest for more warmth. He thought he should say something, maybe whisper out an apology, but he was afraid to open his mouth.

    Patton: way too sweet, way too amazing Patton, simply brought up a hand to stroke through his hair while shushing him gently. This went on for a while, Virgil’s tears and shivering slowing down gradually. He slumped against the moral side, suddenly feeling drowsy from both the crying and the warmth.

    “Virgil, Kiddo,” Patton finally spoke up after the anxious side was completely calm. “I want to fix this, but I can’t do it alone. Can I tell the others?”

    “Yeah, later.” Virgil let out a long yawn. Would Roman make fun of him for it? Would he and Logan even care? Those were worries for later. Right now, sleep sounded very, very good.

    He didn’t register if Patton had said anything else, or the side laying him down on his bed, as he closed his eyes.

    All he registered was warmth.

    “Virgil!”

    When Virgil woke up from The Best Nap Ever™, he wasn’t surprised to find Patton missing from the room. Another side sleeping in Anxiety’s room would not be the best idea, so he really wasn’t upset by it. And, as far as he knew, that whole event could have been a hyper-realistic fever dream.

    What he was surprised by, however, was Creativity himself greeting Virgil with an arm hung around his shoulders. He almost snapped at Roman for the gesture before realization struck him that Patton was definitely the cause of this.

    “How is our emo nightmare today?” Roman boistered dramatically. He’s sure if Patton heard the comment, he would have counted it as two dollars in the jar, but Virgil took it as a term of endearment these days over anything.

    “Uh, fine?” He’s used to Roman’s dramatics, sure, but this? It was all a little too much so suddenly.

    When he managed to get away from the romantic side, he found himself sitting a safe distance away from Logan on the couch. He seemed to pay him no mind as he read a large paperback novel, so Virgil let out a sigh of relief.

    That is, until a hand was extended towards him, palm face up. “Wha?”

    “I’ve been doing research. Touch starvation is best cured through direct physical affection. I am not one for hugs or… anything of the sort, but ‘hand holding’ appears to be an optimal source of comfort that I am able to accomplish.”

    Oh, this is absolutely ridiculous.

    Virgil took the hand anyway.

Chapter Text

    As Patton and Virgil grew closer, the anxious side was learning quite a lot about him.

    For one, Patton was smart. Really smart. Could he be dense and forgetful? Absolutely, but Logan can fill in those gaps. No, Patton was intelligent in intuition and emotion. The moment you're in the same room as him, he knows everything about how you're feeling. He spends all of his time and effort learning to understand and accommodate the other sides’ needs and wants without ever being asked to.

    And that's the other thing about Patton; How can a man be that ridiculously selfless? He'll do anything you ask him to - within reason, of course. He has to follow his morals over anything else - and he'll do it well. He does so much for each side even without being asked, from baking Virgil cookies, to organizing Roman's notes, to making sure Logan goes to bed on time. He's an absolute angel in dad's clothing.

    Virgil hasn't quite grasped this “unconditional love” thing.

    For the longest time, he's been searching for that bit of selfishness that everyone has, and he finally found it in Patton's possessiveness over his things. All the items of nostalgia and wonder stay in the moral side's room no matter what. He'll make a thousand meals for you, but the one he makes for himself cannot be touched by anyone else. Virgil doesn't question it much; everyone needs something to attach themselves to, after all.

    It makes him wonder, though; does that same attachment include people? The side has a lot of love to give, that’s for sure, but the idea of him also being possessive over people would explain the father/son dynamic he creates. Or maybe he really just does that because he wants to take care of people, who knows.

    The point is, Patton kind of deserves the whole world, and any of the sides would probably give it to him. As the core of Thomas’s (their host, the person they are literally alive for) feelings and morals, how could any side not love him?

    It doesn’t really… surprise Virgil when the events of Moving On happen.

    He wasn’t accepted yet when the breakup happened - he hid in his room for quite a long time, which certainly didn’t help Thomas function properly like he hoped it would - but he knows enough of how it affected everyone else. Logan was stuck as the only side trying to get Thomas back on his feet, but his voice was never strong enough on its own until Anxiety stepped in. Roman was seemingly affected most by the breakup; in an instant, he was forced to reshape Thomas’s future, pretending the dreams he had before never even existed.

    Patton, while definitely struggling under the surface, spent most of his time comforting Roman instead of himself. And, maybe, that’s why Roman has such a positive view on Patton’s room. It’s the perfect place to reaffirm the amazing feats both Thomas and his Creativity have accomplished. It was a place for Roman to get away from that newfound sorrow, especially since Anxiety wasn’t there to make them worry as much for the future.

    When Virgil finally left his room, you can imagine Roman was not happy. Despite that, Anxiety’s job ended up being quite important in that moment. Suddenly, Thomas was showering because what will people think of you if you look like that? Finally, Thomas was going out because you need your friends.

    Many, many months passed, and they got better. Roman didn’t necessarily make new dreams but instead remade old ones, modifying them to the life Thomas was now living. Logan, while never seemingly affected much by the breakup, grew power back in his words. Logic was fully functioning again, even if he’d never admit he wasn’t before. And eventually, of course, Accepting Anxiety happened, so Virgil ended up pretty well off as well.

    But did Patton ever fully heal? If Morality doesn’t let himself properly mourn a loss, then does anyone completely heal? No, of course not.

    Virgil had his… own troubles during Moving On. Much like he left Logan during the initial breakup, Anxiety was left alone to deal with the two emotionally charged sides. Even before Logan disappeared, though, Virgil was losing himself to the fear and pain of nostalgia that the others were unaware of. It didn’t help that Virgil’s memories of all those exciting past events were nowhere near as fun.

    Now, days after the events of Moving On and he was still worried, not for himself or for Thomas but for Patton. Sure, the videos helped the moral side learn not to hide his feelings, but Virgil knows better than anyone that old habits are hard to kill.

    Patton also missed a couple days of their daily question game, which he had already apologized profusely for. Today, though, it was Virgil’s turn to show up at the dad’s door with questions.

    As his fist floated before the blue door of Patton’s room, he found himself hesitating. Not only did he have absolutely no comforting skills, but he didn’t have much of a plan, either. How do you convince someone to trust you with their pain when you can’t give that same trust back?

    His hand moves to knock against the door anyway - two quick knocks, just like Patton does on his own door, making it clear who exactly it is - because it doesn’t matter if he has not a lot to give. If there is a pinch, a single droplet of anything, then he has to give it to the father figure. Even if he has not an ounce of comfort for him, then there’s got to at least be points for trying, right? Patton has done more for him then he could have ever asked for. If the side is ever in distress, how could Virgil ever let him go without that same safety net he was given?

    Without any hesitation, Patton swung the door open with a beaming smile directed at Virgil - it appeared real to him, but how could he be sure the moral side wasn’t faking it? How did Patton always know when the others were?   “Virgil! Did ya need something, Kiddo?”

    “No, uh-” He formed a rough plan on what to say in his head, but it immediately left him at the sight of the father figure. “I’d just like to talk for a bit, if that’s okay?”

    Patton cocked his head to the side, but kept the smile on his face. “Of course, you okay?”

    The last thing Virgil wants is for Patton to be worried for him right now. It gives him a warm feeling to know the side cares about him even on the bad days, but pain settled in with that warmth when he realized no one was doing the same thing for him.

    “Yeah Pat, I’m okay,” he mutters out. It doesn’t sound genuine, and he knows Patton’s instinct will be to push more, so he moves the conversation along as he sits himself on Patton’s bed. “Are you okay?”

    The dad gives a sort of wistful smile, something that whispers peacefully in the quiet of his room: “Yeah, I'm okay Kiddo.”

    He wishes so badly he could leave it at that. Patton clearly is in a genuinely good mood right now, but that's not the point. He knows that there are going to be days when Patton isn't doing okay and won't let anyone know. One incident of learning in his room isn't going to stop years of habitual behaviors, of hiding behind a mask for both your own and others’ protection.

    Virgil knows that much too well. “How many times in the past have you lied when I asked you that?”

    Patton’s smile finally falls at that, a look of guilt falling in place instead that shows he understands what this conversation is really about. He begins picking at his nails, a nervous habit all of them have from Thomas. “Lying is wrong, but I guess we all do it sometimes.”

    At that moment, looking at the way the father figure held himself, he begins to realize how similar they really are. He’s never been able to relate to Patton before; how could an emo nightmare compare to an absolute angel? But he sees it now, the way they both put on masks, how they feel a bit too much. It shows in different ways, Patton choosing to make everyone happy while Virgil keeps them safe. At their cores, Anxiety and Morality both look for comfort for both themselves and their loved ones, even if they (Virgil) aren’t very good at it.

    Virgil sighs and lies back on Patton’s bed, arms sprawled out as he stares at the ceiling. He can’t help but leave a small smile on his face from the revelation that he can actually relate to Patton Sanders. “We really are both messes, huh?”

    Patton responds with a small laugh, flopping back on the bed next to Virgil in the same position. “Yeah, just a little.”

    The silence that follows, for once, doesn’t feel awkward. It’s more of a moment of reflection for both of them, or at least that’s what it feels like to Virgil. Despite everything, the energy is peaceful, and he senses this conversation might not go exactly how he thought it would in his head.

    “I think I’m gonna stop calling everyone Kiddo.”

    “What?” Yeah, definitely not what he was thinking.

    “It’s just-” the moral side paused to change his position, now sitting up against the wall. “I never call Logan Kiddo, mainly because he wouldn’t like it but also ‘cause we’re equals, y’know? But that suggests that you and Roman aren’t equals with us, which isn’t true! We all put in the same amount of input, that’s not what I want to express! But-”

    “Wait, Patton,” What in the world is he on about? Virgil feels bad for interrupting, but this was just wrong. “If that’s the only reason you want to stop calling us that, then I don’t think you have anything to worry about. I mean, I can’t speak for Roman, but I never took it like that. It’s just, like, a term of endearment, right?”

    The emotional side rubbed at his arm subconsciously. “It’s not, though. I call you guys my kiddos because I’m supposed to be your dad. I’m supposed to protect and care for you, even when I’m down.”

    ...Oh. Now Virgil gets it.

    “And that’s why you try to hide your bad feelings.”

    Patton confirmed with a nod, letting out a sigh. “I don’t want to do that anymore. I want to believe I can be sad, too. I deserve comfort, too.”

    “You do,” Virgil said almost instinctually. The problem with that, though, is he had nothing planned to follow with that thought. “Look, I’m not, uh, very good at this comforting thing, but you’ve done a lot for me, and I... that shouldn’t be one-sided. I want to be there for you, is what I’m trying to say.”

    The smile on Patton’s face grew wide, looking down as if shy. Virgil’s sure he’s had the exact same look on his own face before; it’s the kind of thing you do when you’re not used to love, and that kind of breaks Virgil’s heart, just a bit. Patton, of all sides, of all people, should always feel loved. “Can I have a hug?”

    Virgil responds simply by outstretching his arms, and Patton falls into them immediately with a tight hold of his own.

    He’s not sure how long they end up holding each other - Patton’s hugs nowadays tend to get longer and longer, after the discovery of Virgil’s starvation - but Virgil knows he has to interrupt it. Their conversation isn’t over, after all. “You never answered my question.”

    Patton shifts just enough to look at the anxious side with a curious head tilt. Admittedly, the position makes him increasingly uncomfortable, not used to being so close to someone like this, but he ignores the heat in his cheeks in favor of clarifying. “How many times have you lied about being okay? You- it’s not often, right?”

    The dad (can he still call him that?) smiles wearily. “Of course not, Kiddo! It really isn’t an act most of the time, but everyone gets down sometimes, y’know? And, well, I guess I only recently let myself properly recover from that breakup, I guess.” He rubbed at his neck nervously, but the smile still remained. “A lot’s been happening lately, stuff I’m not ready to talk about, but I promise I’m doing better.”

    A small laugh builds up in Virgil’s throat, and he’s not sure why until he goes through exactly what Patton said in his head. “You called me Kiddo.”

    “Oh.” The moral side’s face falls at that before laughing it off. “Old habits die hard, right?”

    “Yeah.”

    Once again, a peaceful silence filled the room. The two sat against the wall, nothing more to be said or thought. Virgil kind of wanted to rest his head against Patton’s shoulder, or grab his hand, but even in this comfort, he couldn’t find the courage yet. Receiving affection was one thing, but initiating it was another challenge.

    “Hey,” the moral side thankfully interrupted his thoughts. “Sleepover?”

    Virgil let himself smile. “Of course.”

    Later that night, with Patton falling asleep on his shoulder in the middle of watching Lilo and Stitch, Virgil would think. He would think of what he could have done better, think of what he shouldn’t have said. He would feel, too. He would feel ashamed of showing so much weakness, scared of what this would lead to.

    But that’s not new. He’s Anxiety, after all. Maybe sometime later, Patton could comfort him out of those thoughts, but tonight the roles were reversed.

    Tonight, it was Virgil’s turn to be strong for him.

Chapter Text

    Virgil doesn't consider himself to have many talents, but he would like to think he's pretty observant. He sees every tiny physical difference in each side, every like and dislike, every new body movement - he has to, he's Anxiety.

    So it doesn't take him long to notice that something is very much up with Patton.

    At first, he assumed it was just the change of Patton’s vocabulary that made Virgil feel this way. It began to be more clear that it wasn’t just a removal of the word “Kiddo,” but a complete abolishment of the father figure he was. Both Roman and Virgil had to adjust their own vocabulary as well.

    The sudden change was… hard on him, and from what he could tell, hard on Roman, too. Patton being their “dad” allowed for someone to protect and be there for them, despite the fact that their own job descriptions had them protecting everyone else. But they understood the importance of getting rid of the labels, and Patton wasn’t changing. Virgil could trust him enough to know he would still care for them when they needed him, just without the fatherly obligation.

    It wasn’t easy on Patton, either. He has only held the dad persona since his acting appearances on Vine, but it became an essential part of him incredibly quickly. He’s Morality, the one who cares for everyone else over himself, and that’s where the parental symbolism went wrong. If he understood from the beginning that the label didn’t mean he had to put others over himself, it would have been just a fun nickname. The only thing that can be done now, though, is to get rid of it. And now Patton has to learn how to define himself without it again.

    Virgil can only hope Patton understands he’s still the same person, but that wasn’t his main concern right now. It’s been a few weeks since their talk, and one thing remains clear: Something is going on that Patton isn’t talking about. That, of course, isn’t a surprise to him, since the moral side admitted to that himself, but he thought he would see a clue of what was happening soon enough.

    What he saw instead were some really weird interactions.

    “Good morning, beautiful world!” Roman greeted the morning with an unexpected pump of energy. He may be an actor, but Virgil can tell the romantic side usually despises mornings. Today, however, it seemed he finally woke up on the right side of the bed.

    Logan and Virgil, sitting in the barstools of the kitchen with a computer and a phone, consecutively roll their eyes as Roman places his arms around their shoulders in greeting. “Emo, nerd, a fabulous morning to you both.”

    “What the heck’s got you so chipper?” The dramatics were pretty normal for the prince, but this early in the day? No one should be so excited without drinking coffee first.

    “Why, isn’t it obvious?” Roman strutted into the kitchen next to Patton, who was just starting to prepare breakfast. “Our lovely Morality is making his most delicious pancakes!” He bows dramatically and places a kiss on the moral side’s hand, looking up at him with a smile and a wink. “A lovely morning to you, dear Patton.”

    Usually, Patton would respond to such antics by giggling and ruffling Roman’s hair, but instead he just… freezes. His eyes are blown wide, and his freckly face is completely dusted in red.

    Roman stands up with a raised brow. “Uh, Pat? You alright there?”

    “Oh! Uh-” The moral side shakes his head as if he simply zoned out. He smiled, the blush only somewhat fading from his cheeks. “I’m good! You just, um, caught me off guard, I think. Good morning to you too!”

    Roman and Logan left it at that and continued with their own business, but Virgil was not letting that go. This wasn’t the only weird instance; as of late, Patton has been avoiding eye contact like the plague and getting flustered way too easily. If he waited any longer to confront him, he’s afraid Patton might never tell him what’s wrong.

    After breakfast has been served and eaten, he stops Patton before the side can hide off in his room. “Pat, we gotta talk.”

    “Right.” He sighs, seeming to already realize this was going to come up. “My room?”

    Virgil nods and lets Patton lead him to his room. The air is… strange, to say the least. A mix of nerves, dread, and determination is coming off of Patton. He wishes he could at least say he wasn’t the nervous one this time, but this energy was definitely making his anxiety spark up. What in the world could be happening that would make the moral side act like this?

    Virgil leaned against the door with his arms crossed once they entered the room. Before he had the chance to speak, however, Patton began with arms wrapped around himself. “There’s something I have to tell you, a-and it might change your opinion of me- you might think it’s weird or wrong but I can’t keep it a secret anymore.”

    Seeing the way Patton was curling in on himself in fear brought pain to his chest - he’s been there way too many times, and it’s not somewhere any other side should be but him. “Pat, c’mon, it can’t be that bad. I’m not gonna judge you.”

    “It’s… I…” he pauses, not just in hesitation but in consideration. He’s trying to figure out what exactly should be said, not wanting to mess up whatever his confession is. “I like Roman.”

    ...What?

    “I know that’s ridiculous- I didn’t think it was possible either, but I couldn’t ignore how I feel forever. I don’t want to feel this way, it hurts and I would do anything to get rid of it, but I can’t. And I think it’s been there for a while, a-and I know youprobablydon’tbelievemebecauseit’sdumbbut--”

     “Patton,” Virgil puts his hands on the other side’s shoulders. He can see tears just barely pricking out of Patton’s eyes as he looks up at him. “Slow down, buddy. So you like Roman?”

    The emotional side nods his head with his eyes screwed shut. He’s not just scared of how Virgil will react; he’s ashamed of himself for even having these feelings, for liking someone he was never supposed to. “Y-you don’t have to believe me, but it’s true.”

    Virgil was feeling… a lot of conflicting emotions right now. Was it kind of unbelievable? Yeah, but Patton knows feelings better than anyone. Was it making him a bit nauseated? Definitely, but not out of disgust like Patton fears. He’s scared for him, scared of how much this is hurting Patton and terrified of how much worse it’s going to get once the side is rejected - he doesn’t mean to be so pessimistic, really, but what are the odds any other side here is physically able to have those feelings?

    It was very, very confusing, but that’s not really his main worry right now. “Of course I believe you, dude. Yeah, it’s a bit, uh, odd, but I trust you. You’ve obviously been thinking about this for a while.”

    “Virgil, is it…” He can see Patton swallow down a sob as he puts his hand over his mouth. “Is it wrong?”

    “Wha- No , c’mon-” He never thought Morality of all sides would ask him if something was right or wrong, and he certainly had no idea how to answer it. “Look, how about we sit down and talk about this?”

    Patton moves to the bed by Virgil’s instruction, still hugging himself close. It makes something in Virgil’s chest ache, but holy shit the bed is comfy and holy shit it would be great to go back to sleep right now.

    Ha. “Back” to sleep, as if he actually slept last night. All the more reason why it was way too early for this, even if Patton’s pancakes gave him a boost of sugary energy. Instead of surrendering to the sweet release of pillowy warmth, he decides he should probably start comforting his friend. “So what makes you think it’s wrong?”

    “I-I don’t know, it’s just-” Patton looks almost longingly at Virgil’s arm. In response, he lifts it up so the moral aspect can curl up to his side. Patton loves physical comfort, so it’s not much of a surprise. “Aren’t we still all, technically, the same person? God, what would Thomas think of me if he knew? I’m supposed to be his feelings, how could I li- like another side?”

    Good lord, he had no idea what he was doing. “I’ll be honest with you, Pat: It is pretty weird, but your feelings aren’t wrong. I mean, you’re not really Thomas’s emotions, right?”

    “No, Thomas just happens to let his morals control most of his feelings.” Patton sighed, shifting in Virgil’s hold for comfort. “I know it’s not affecting him, but it still feels… gross.”

    “What makes it gross? We all look pretty different, we all have different personalities, even if we all make up one- The only thing that makes us anywhere close to the same person is us being parts of Thomas. I don’t know about you, but most of the time I don’t feel like I am Thomas. We have the same fears, but he’s the person I’m supposed to protect. Do you get what I’m saying?” Explaining things is definitely not one of Virgil’s talents. If only Logan were here.

    How would Logan react to this?

    Patton looked up at Virgil with large, hopeful eyes. He wasn’t crying anymore, but they were still red and glossy. “You really think it’s not bad?”

    “Of course,” He tries to give a reassuring smile, but he’s still pretty out of practice when it comes to smiling. “And Thomas would accept it, too. As long as you’re happy and it isn’t hurting him, why would he be upset by it?

    The moral side let that sink in for a moment, breaking eye contact with Virgil. The fact that Patton genuinely thought he was gross for having feelings for Roman-- Holy shit, Patton has feelings for Roman. Perhaps that fact hadn’t properly sunk in until now. What does that even mean? What would Roman think? How long has Patton had these feelings? Is he the only one who can?

    His thoughts are broken when Patton crushes him into a warm, and a little bit too tight, hug. His questions could wait. “Thank you so much for being understanding, Virgil. Wait-” And then, before Virgil even got the chance to free his arms and return the hug, Patton was pulling out of his arms. “Earlier. You said you trust me.”

    “Wha- oh.”

    He… Does he trust Patton?

    Whenever Patton comes by to ask his daily question, he finds it easier and easier to answer with total honesty. Despite the other side’s constant cheerfulness, he doesn’t feel like he has to always be okay around him. Virgil is allowed to feel around Patton, no matter what those feelings are, and he doesn’t think he’s had that with anyone else. To show emotions around someone, to let them in your room every day, to know they’re there for you even when your anxieties tell you they shouldn’t - trust is different for everyone, but he can’t ignore the facts.

    The real stepping stone here, though, is that Patton has earned that trust by giving his own away. Even before Moving On, Patton always answered the questions he gave Virgil with his own emotional honesty. He trusted Virgil enough to cry in front of him, or that he wouldn’t get mad if Patton tried to help him with the things he didn’t know he needed help with. And now, here he was, spilling possibly his biggest secret to Virgil, more fearing his own feelings than how Virgil would react to it.

    And with that, another realization hits him: It was absolutely on purpose, and Virgil was right all those weeks ago. Sure, Patton didn’t lie to him; all of this wasn’t just to get Virgil to trust him, but it was part of it. If you want trust, you have to give your own, and Morality knew exactly how to do that.

    Aka, Patton is a damn genius.

    Virgil let out a chuckle, putting his face in his hands. “You played me like the damn kazoo I am, huh?”

    “That’s a dollar in the jar, mister!” The moral side put on a fake scolding tone, bumping their shoulders together. “You’re not a kazoo! You’re a beautiful Virg- olin!” Virgil rolled his eyes with a fond smile, bumping Patton’s shoulder back and making him giggle. “But, seriously, I would have done all this, and kept doing it, even if you really couldn’t trust. I never believed that for a second, but I wasn’t ever going to try to force it. I just wanted to show you that I trust you.”

    For once in his life, Virgil could say confidently that he believed every word of it.

    But all of this was just making things harder for him to say what needs to be said. “Pat, I can’t believe I of all people am saying this, but you need to tell Roman.”

    “Wha- why?” The moral side once again shrank into himself at the mention of the topic this all started with. “I-I know he doesn’t like me back. Shouldn’t I just leave it be and move on? I don’t want him to feel bad, or for things to be awkward between us!”

    Virgil placed an uncharacteristically gentle hand on Patton’s shoulder. “You need closure. You’re not gonna really move on unless you hear it straight from him, else you’ll just end up pining for years.” Well, maybe he was getting his information from fanfiction instead of actual experience, but it sounded enough like solid advice. “And Roman wouldn’t let it hurt your relationship. He’d know what to do.”

    “I- I guess you’re right.” Patton looked so… defeated, at that moment. Virgil didn’t think it was even possible to feel anymore bad for the moral side, but he couldn’t help but think about the pain he’s already had to deal with through all of Thomas’s breakups. Now, he has to bare the burden of being rejected by someone he himself likes. He has the experience, but never in such a direct context. Once again, he has to learn to move on.

    Despite that, Patton brightens up just a bit, and it doesn’t feel fake. “Thanks for being honest with me, Virgil. Hug?”

    The anxious side took the offer, naturally. He was partially hoping this would lead to another sleepover so he could sneak in some more much-needed affection, but then he remembered it’s literally not even noon why are we doing this so early-

    “We’ve been talking for a while, we should probably get to work.” Patton interrupted his complaining thoughts with the reminder that, of course, today was a workday. Virgil felt all the energy drain out of him the moment it was mentioned.

    Patton’s laugh was a clear indication he was showing his exhaustion on the outside, too. “Take a nap, bud. You’ve earned it. I… don’t know if I can tell Roman today, but I promise I’ll tell him soon.”

    And with a pat on Virgil’s back, the moral side left the room.

    Unfortunately, Virgil would never fall asleep; he was too busy having a crisis.

    Patton likes Roman. What the hell does that mean for the mindscape now?

Chapter Text

     There is a dread in the air when Virgil gets up that morning.

     It's difficult to tell what's causing said-dread. On one hand, it was rather normal for Anxiety to wake up feeling, well, anxious over seemingly nothing. It's not the panicky, heart-pounding anxiety, but the kind that makes you simply not want to get out of bed for the rest of your life. Kinda like depression, if depression was caused by feeling like something inevitably bad would happen every day.

     Well, maybe he just doesn't know enough about depression. That's not his department.

     The thing is, though, is that something bad is happening today, but Patton's confession to Roman, theoretically, has nothing to do with Virgil. Is it selfish of him to be scared of the aftermath? Of Patton getting hurt and relationships being strained?

     No, he doesn't think it's selfish. It's not that he's dreading having to help Patton through this - with how much the moral side has done for him, Virgil would give the whole world to him without a second thought and be pleased just seeing the smile on the other side’s face - he just doesn't want Patton to have to go through that in the first place. There's empathy pain there; Virgil has never liked someone like that before and never will, but he does know what it's like to love care for someone who could never love you back.

     And he can't even predict how Roman will react. Virgil would like to think the self-proclaimed romantic side, of all people, would know to respect Patton's feelings and let him down easy, but what if he finds it too weird? What if he makes a joke out of it, or takes it the wrong way, or lets his egotistical nature get ahead of himself, or-

     Far, far too many what-ifs. He's used to this when it comes to one of his own or Thomas's moments of confrontation, but having this much anxiety over someone else's endeavors is entirely new to him and extremely draining. Why did no one tell him caring about other people was this exhausting?

     Not that he didn't care about the other sides before. He always has, always done everything in his power to protect them, but this situation was new and entirely unprecedented. The core sides weren't making much of their own decisions back then, and if they were, Virgil wasn't around to see it. When it came to events and confrontations, all he had to worry about was himself and Thomas.

     There was one more what-if, too. One more thing that could happen, possibly the worst case scenario. But surely Roman wouldn't do that, right?

     It was just around noon when Patton came barreling into his room, making Virgil nearly leap to the ceiling. However, no matter what you hear, he absolutely did not yelp like a hurt puppy.

     "Sorry, sorry!" Patton originally came in with the brightest of smiles on his face, but it fell when he saw Virgil's fear. "Sorry for scaring you, V, it's just- I have great news!"

      V? Now that was new, but he couldn't say it didn’t make his heart flutter a bit. He’s never had someone give him his own nickname before. "Alright, what's got you so excited?"

     The emotional side was once again grinning from ear to ear and flapping his hands. If humans had tails, his would surely win a tail-wagging contest with how excited he seemed to be. "I have a date, Virgil! Can you believe it?!"

     "You- you have a what?!" A date? What the hell is he talking about?

     "Roman, h-he asked me out!" Patton stumbled over his words with increasing excitement, nearly about to burst out of his own skin. "I told him I liked him and he said he wanted to try things out with me and now- he's taking me out tonight!"

     Oh no. Oh no no no no.

     "That's… great Pat." This was the worst possible outcome, so bad that Virgil didn't even want to consider it as a possibility, but in retrospect, it was the most likely.

     Roman Sanders may hold his main control of Thomas through creativity, but he also carries Thomas’s dreams. Unfortunately, that also makes Roman the self-proclaimed romantic side due to Thomas’s wish of finding his own soulmate. Ever since the sides gained their own consciousness, Roman has talked nonsense about finding his own knight in shining armor or prince charming to sweep him off his feet - Virgil always thought that was why he decided to become his own prince.

     Up until now, that was impossible. Everyone just assumed those spiels were really referring to Thomas’s romantic life, but they always sounded much too personal and individualistic for Virgil to believe that. Now, a prince has finally shown up at the creative side’s doorway, and how the hell is he ever supposed to let such an opportunity walk away?

     But if Virgil’s theory is correct, Roman can’t love Patton back. He’s not Emotion, he’s not Patton, and he’s not Romance. His entire existence is to be the ego for Thomas, to make his dreams come true and to create for him. Just like the rest of the sides, Roman isn’t made to fall in love.

     Which means he’s going to lead Patton on. He’s going to break Patton’s heart.

     “Virgil? You okay?” Patton asked, calming down from his excitement for just a moment.

      Good excuse. Good excuse. C’mon, brain! “Yeah, uh, I’m just distracted because I forgot to, u-um-” He grabs the item closest to him and shows it proudly to Patton. “-give this back to Logan!”

     “...An owl plushie?”

     Virgil felt his palms begin to sweat. Why the hell would Logan of all sides own a stuffed animal? “Y-yeah! Y’know, owls, intelligence, it makes sense.”

     The dead silence probably only lasted for a second, but it feels like hours as Virgil hopes to any deity that Patton is still too high on whatever hormones cause excitement to see his anxiety. “Aww, that’s so sweet that he lent it to you! I won’t keep you any longer, then.”

     The anxious side nearly ran out without another word, but stopped in his tracks by the doorway with a final thought. “Hey, uh, how about I help you get ready for your date later?”

     Patton audibly gasped at the sentiment, clapping his hands together one more time. “Oh my gosh, that would be great, V!”

     “Roman!” Virgil burst into the prince’s room without another thought or a knock, crossing his arms in anger at the sight of Roman examining clothes in his closet. “What the hell did you do?”

     “Oh, Virgil! You- why do you have a stuffed owl with you?”

     “That’s irrelevant! Why did you ask Patton out on a date?"

     Roman blinks at him with a confused stare before regaining his senses, defensively crossing his arms to mirror Virgil's own pose. "Now how is that any of your business? But I'll have you know Patton actually likes me!"

     The anxious side covered his eyes with his palm in annoyance, already thinking about decking the prince any second now. "I know that, dumbass. Are you really gonna lead him on like that?"

     "I- what?"

     "You can't love him, Roman," Virgil nearly growls. "You think just because someone finally comes to your door with a profession of love, that means all your dreams can finally come true? Get real: the moment you get bored of him, you'll toss him on the curb and break his goddamn heart. You really think I'm gonna let you get his hopes up like that just to massacre them a few dates later?"

     Roman brows furrow for a moment, many conflicting emotions passing through his eyes, before he uncharacteristically softens up his features. "Your protectiveness over Patton is very sweet, but you're making a lot of assumptions here. For one, I would never lead someone on! I take love very seriously Virgil, honest!"

     "Then why did you ask him on a date in the first place?!" Does Roman really not realize his own ulterior motives here? Does he really think he has the capability to love like that?

     "Because I want to go on a date with him!" The romantic side flinches at his own loud volume, giving a soft apologetic smile. "Patton knows that I have never thought about him that way, and that there is a chance this will be our only date. But if I'm being honest, I don't think it will be. Patton is… a very sweet man, and cute too! I've always admired him, and I think that can turn to romantic feelings if I give it a chance."

     Virgil's first instinct is to yell at him, to make him call it off for Patton's sake, but… he did sound sincere. And what would Patton think if he broke his one chance for a relationship with Roman? He's not one for optimism, but what if this could work out and Virgil's the only obstacle in the way?

     "Okay, y'know what? Fine." He steps closer to Roman, pointing at his chest. "But the moment you have any doubt, the moment you realize you don't have feelings for him, you let him go right then. Got that?"

     "Got it," Roman swears, putting his hands in front of his chest. "I will not lead Patton on for a single second, knight's honor."

     The moment the words are spoken, Virgil lets himself breathe a sigh of relief. He's not completely convinced that something bad isn't going to come from this, but he didn't want to be angry right now, anyway. Roman wouldn't do anything to hurt Patton, at least not on purpose. He just hopes the creative side will have an understanding of his own feelings sooner rather than later.

     "Oh! While you are here," Roman knocks him out of his thoughts with his usual cheery voice back once again. "What kinda clothes might Patton like me to wear? I thought you out of anyone would know."

     Strangely enough, Virgil does sort of know the answer to that question. He never thought the random trivia from their daily questions would ever come in handy. "Just be yourself, dude. Patton just likes when people look confident in what they're wearing."

     "Hmm… Still difficult, since I only wear this all day, but I have some ideas. Thank you, my violet vigilante!”

/-

     “How about this?”

      Way too fancy for a first date. Find something more casual.”

     Patton immediately listened to Virgil’s advice, diving back into his closet as if he can’t just conjure clothes right on. He was almost tempted to let the emotional side keep his baby blue suit on; Roman would probably love it, but he was too handsome in it for his own good.

     “Pat, you don’t need to go in your closet to get clothes. Do you even have anything in there?”

     “Nope, but what’s the fun in that?” Patton opened the shutter doors of the closet once again to reveal blue flannel, a light gray shirt, and jeans. “I don’t know if flannel fits me.”

     Virgil stroked his chin like a beard. “The colors are good, though. Maybe try a cardigan?” As Morality left to his dressing room once again, the anxious side decided to start up conversation. “So uh, what do you like about Roman, exactly?”

     “Oh!” He saw the moral side’s shape freeze from the cracks in the shutters. “Well, he- he’s so passionate, y’know? Everything he does, he does with purpose and excitement. And his first instinct is to always protect his loved ones. How could I not attach to that?” The closet doors opened just a crack to reveal Patton’s nervous eyes. “Hey, uh, I decided to get a bit ambitious with this outfit, s-so don’t judge it too hard.”

     Before Virgil could even respond to that, Patton stepped out of the closet.

     “...Holy shit.”

     He followed Virgil’s advice to change the flannel to a cardigan, but this time a warm burgundy color instead of the blue he had before. Underneath he wore a simple pinkish beige shirt and, to finish the outfit, a faded navy blue circle skirt resting just above his knees.

     “Language!” The emotional side only looked offended for a good two seconds before his gaze dropped down to his clothes. “Is it that bad?”

     "N-no no, you just caught me off guard,” Virgil immediately reassured. “It’s, uh- you look really great, Pat. It suits you, and it’s not too fancy, either.” In reality, Patton looked kind of amazing. If Roman didn’t fall in love with Patton on the spot, then Virgil might as well take him.

     He’s kidding, of course. He’s allowed to find his friend hot without wanting to go out with him.

     Patton lets out a sigh of relief, knocking Virgil out of his thoughts. “Okay, good, c-cause I actually really like it! I’ve never gotten to wear a skirt before.” He twirls around to let his skirt fly in the wind - thankfully not enough to reveal anything Virgil doesn’t want to see - and giggles with delight.

     Oh, Roman has a lot coming to him if he breaks this man’s heart.

/-/

     The longer and longer Patton and Roman’s date last slowly drives Virgil’s nerves up the wall. He knows nothing bad can happen - Roman’s half of the imagination is safe as long as he makes it that way - but something in his gut is turning without a clear explanation. Is it just the remaining fear of rejection for Patton?

     He decides obsessing over this date any longer is just unhealthy. At the same time, however, he really doesn’t want to be alone right now. He usually appreciates the quiet nights of just him in his room with his music, but for some odd reason, a loss of company is making that twist in his guts get stronger. There’s only one side left to turn to in this case, and thankfully, he has an excuse to do so.

     “Logan,” Virgil pops up into his room, interrupting the logical side from reading a novel in his unicorn onesie. “Remember how you owe me a favor for leaving me in Patton’s room?”

     “I never agreed to such a deal.” He doesn’t seem to be too happy about the interruption, practically glaring at Virgil for it, but his brow eventually lifts in interest. “What exactly would you like to acquire from me, anyway?”

     The darker side pulls the stuffed owl back into existence in his hands, pointing it towards Logan. “I need you to take this owl and pretend it’s always been yours and that I was borrowing it, no questions asked.”

     “Wh-” Logan stops himself, registering the ‘no questions asked’ part of the request, and instead sighs. “I’m not a child, Virgil. I’m not going to have my reputation slandered by a plush kid’s toy.”

     “Yeah, says the guy wearing unicorn footie pyjamas.”

     “Th-they’re comfortable!” The logical side’s tone goes from poised to defensive in less than a millisecond. “And it was a gift from Patton! It would have been impolite if I did not ever use it.”

     “Then consider this a gift from me.” He throws the owl plush at Logan, who just barely catches it with flailing arms. Virgil, still not wanting to be alone, decides to flop down onto Logan’s bed without any explanation. He hopes the side will dismiss it and go back to his reading.

     Logan does, in fact, turn back to his desk with the book in his hand, but Virgil doubts he’s actually reading it as his attention remains on him. “Are you here because of Roman and Patton’s romantic outing?”

     “N- Wait, how did you know they were out on a date?”

     “Well, neither of them are exactly subtle.” Oh, that does make sense. Patton can be absolutely dreadful at keeping secrets when it’s something he’s excited about, and he doubts Roman could suppress himself from talking about a date. “They have no real reason to keep it from me, either. I don’t hold any opinions on their personal matters.”

     Virgil was actually surprised by this; wouldn’t Logan out of all sides see the risks or impossibilities in their endeavors? “You’re not concerned at all? Or, I don’t know, weirded out?”

     The logical side suddenly looked up from his book and closed it - without bothering to move the bookmark, which means he wasn’t actually reading it - and turned to the anxious facet. “Virgil, it appears the only one who has problems with this new relationship is you. That’s why you’re here, isn’t it? You would usually be with Patton at this time.”

     “Wait, are you… are you suggesting I’m jealous of Roman?” He’s not jealous! As Logan said, he’s just used to being with somebody at this time. What’s wrong with wanting a bit of company?

     “I’m not suggesting anything.” Logan once again turns to his desk, summoning a mug of some kind of warm drink into his hand. “You are a creature of habit, Virgil. Anyway, Patton should be home soon. Why don’t you go wait for him?”

      Yeesh. If Logan wanted him to leave so badly, he could have just said so. Even so, he does what the apathetic side tells him to and sprawls out on the common room’s sofa.

     He’s not jealous. That’s ridiculous. Though, Logan was probably right about the ‘creature of habit’ idea. Virgil’s gotten so used to having Patton to talk to before he went to bed that being alone at this time just felt so weird.

     ...Is he going to have to get used to this again?

     That train of thought is interrupted by familiar voices down the hall, announcing the return of Patton and Roman. He hears the voices fade out and a door close as Roman must have said goodnight to his date partner, and Patton’s own steps get closer to Virgil’s location.

     “Virgil!” Patton immediately rushes to the sofa to greet him, looking both exhausted and energized.

     He smiled knowingly at his emotional friend, getting up from his seat and dusting off imaginary dirt from his pants. “Wanna go to your room to ramble about your date?”

     Patton didn’t hesitate to bring them exactly there.

     Amazingly, but also unsurprisingly, the moral side managed to talk about his date for two hours. The good, the bad, the excitement, the fear- in total, though, it seemed Patton was happy, and Virgil forgot all about both the turns in his gut and what Logan said.

     “Hey,” Patton said after a moment of silence between them. They were both exhausted, from the talking and from the fact it was nearly midnight. “I have a question of the day for you.”

     Virgil snorted at that- only a happy, Nearly Midnight Virgil would ever let himself snort. They haven’t really been making much of an effort lately on their daily questions, since they ended up hanging out just about every day anyway. “Alright, shoot.”

     “Are you…” the emotional side’s voice was now laced with nerves, making Virgil sober up somewhat from his tired state. “Are we best friends?”

     Virgil finds himself almost laughing at that. Of course Patton would be so careful with that label. Virgil, on the other hand, doesn’t really care, considering Patton is currently his only friend. “Sure, Pat. If that’s what you want.”

     Patton immediately brightens up at that, moving closer to Virgil’s side and embracing him happily.

     Patton and Virgil, Morality and Anxiety, Best Friends. Something about that sounds very right to him, and he doesn’t think he’s ever going to let that title go now.

     And if "best friends" means they can keep having sleepovers, keep accidentally falling asleep in each other’s arms- If Virgil gets to keep his share of Patton’s attention even with Roman now in the picture, then that’s good enough for him.

Chapter Text

     Logan is not one to admit to mistakes often. However, the reasoning behind this does not derive from any personal stubbornness or arrogance; Logan simply does not often make mistakes.

     His most famous mistake, as both his fellow sides and the internet rather enjoy mocking him for, is his misuse of the word “infinitesimal.” He incorrectly assumed that the presence of the base word “infinite” suggested the meaning of the word to be something so large that it is beyond defining. Instead, it was the exact opposite: something that is indefinitely small.

     Why does he mention this, you ask?

     When Virgil first became “accepted” by Thomas’s core sides - really just Roman, since neither Logan nor Patton held any opposition to his presence anymore - Logan may have wrongfully assumed the anxious side’s problems would become infinitesimal. He was considered a part of the “FAMily” now, and therefore all past conflicts and difficulties should have faded away or resolved themselves.

     Unfortunately, there was some miscalculating on Logan’s figurative hands:

1. Virgil is Anxiety. Therefore, the process of healing is automatically different.
2. Virgil was a dark side, meaning he could have much more trauma than previously anticipated.
3. Patton cannot assist Virgil alone.

     Although Logan has no skill level or place in emotional comfort, he knows it is necessary for him to find a place in Virgil’s recovery. And to do so, he must confide in the one who knows Anxiety best.

     “Patton, may I have a word with you?” He almost regrets coming to the moral side at this hour, as it appears he is spending quality time with Roman; the two never spent much time alone together before, but ever since their first romantic outing they have taken any time they can to get to know each other. Logan only knows this because a certain ex-dark side continues to appear in his room on multiple occasions when he finds himself without the company of Patton.

     Despite this interruption, the emotional side still beams up at him with his typical large smile. “Logan, hey! Do you need to talk alone or…?”

     “Roman’s presence is alright.” In fact, it’s almost preferred. Perhaps if he hears about Logan’s efforts to aid Virgil, he will put in his own. “It’s about Virgil, actually.”

     “Oh?” Patton makes a beckoning motion with his chin, so Logan moves to sit himself on the bed where the other two are. “Is something wrong?”

     “Not necessarily, no.” He tries desperately to not begin to tap his fingers against his legs. It’s not that he is against fidgeting by any means, but the action would make him look less poised and in control (and the urge does not come from anxiety, to be clear; he simply struggles to stay in one place when sitting down). “I would just like to discuss his current mental health- an update on our previous conversation, if you will.”

     The moral side perks up at that, no longer worried about what Logan has to say. “Oh, he’s doing so much better! Obviously not everything is fixed, but he’s been so much more open and honest and kind and--”

     Logan stops listening once Patton gets into rambling about his best friend. He almost has a sense of guilt for doing such a thing, but it appears Roman isn’t truly listening to Patton as well, judging by the far away, lovesick look in his eyes as he watches him; it’s clear that the infatuation stage has now taken the romantic side.

     Of course, Roman does perk up to attention when he hears his name. “Hey Ro-Ro, have you, y’know, heard anything lately?”

     “Not a peep!” Roman looked almost proud about this, smiling brightly despite his lack of involvement in aiding Virgil. “Though it’s not as if I heard it that often before. Guess it could just be a lack of time.”

     “Yes, most likely.” Logan finally gave in to his urges, tapping his fingers against his knee as he thought about the situation. “Even with Patton’s improvements, there are still many discernible issues that need to be solved - not eating enough,” he began counting on his fingers, “Seemingly not sleeping enough, a fear of asking for help- and, of course, his growing co-dependency.”

     Patton began to shrink in on himself, raising a brow at the logical side. “Co-dependency…?”

     “Well, he only has you to rely on, as far as he knows.” He pushed up his glasses, trying his best to keep his posture right with his increased fidgetiness. “Independence is something we can work on later, however. The best course of action now is to divide his attention, so he can seek help no matter the situation.”

     “Logan…” Patton’s brow is now creased with concern, pupils switching from Logan to his own lap rapidly. “You know it’s not just about helping him, right? You have to be his friend, too.”

     Ah, friendship.

     As natural pack animals, friendships are an imperative part of a healthy person’s life. Logan, however, is only one piece of a person; as Logic, he does not need friends to confide in or share experiences with. He is unsure what label a spectator might put on his and the other three’s relationship, but he’s always been satisfied with just coworkers.

     That doesn’t mean he is incapable of friendship - at least, depending on what kind. If that is what Virgil needs to improve, then Logan can supply that.

     “I will do what I can, Patton. We just have to hope Virgil will cooperate.”

Chapter Text

     Being a “side” is something no other being could possibly understand.

     Roman and Patton never seemed to question it much. Despite the fact that their lives were supposed to revolve around Thomas’s, they live as any normal human would. They eat meals and exercise and play and learn and live.

     As a result, Virgil had an interesting moment of culture shock when he moved in with them. The Others never pretended to be human, instead living almost completely as their functions. Deceit didn’t spend his time making meals and taking care of his fellow sides like Patton. The Duke didn’t imagine up his own adventures or try to keep up his physique like Roman. They did things on their own occasionally, but they did almost everything for Thomas, even if those things weren’t exactly good. It took Virgil a long time to realize that’s probably the main reason he was so harsh on Thomas in the first place.

     There is, as always, an exception to this split: Logan.

     Logan is a contradiction of himself, being so self-aware of his role and place in this world one minute yet completely invalidating that fact the next minute. He craves to dedicate himself to being the full, unbiased logic of Thomas, yet will indulge himself with human pleasures like the great taste of Crofters Jam, or the comforting softness of his onesie.

     Old Virgil would say it's because he's a clueless moron, and in some sense, that's still true. Human logic can never be unbiased or emotionless, and the fact that Logic himself can't realize that is a bit of an embarrassment. Sometimes Virgil just wants to shake some goddamn sense into him.

     He appreciates having someone to relate to on this side of things, but the strange insistence on doing proper human things like eating and sleeping drives him mad. Eating three meals a day is just a waste of time, and sleeping a full eight hours means he can't protect Thomas at night.

     That's why Logan's new experiment puts him in a difficult situation.

     "Why can't you get one of the others to do it?"

     "Patton and Roman already eat and sleep a decent amount- or at least, somewhat decent." Logan pushed up his glasses and shook his head in disdain. "You, on the other hand, are rarely seen eating and achieve a very minimal amount of rest. Am I correct?"

     The logical side slid up to his room that morning with a notepad in hand and a ridiculous idea. He wanted to see if food and rest had any actual benefits for the sides or Thomas respectively, and apparently, Virgil was his perfect little lab rat. He didn't much appreciate being used for an experiment, but he's not sure if he has the will to say no to Logan.

     "Sorry to break it to you L, but trying to get me to do this is gonna be impossible. How do you expect me to suddenly make my own meals and fall asleep every night?" He's much too lazy for cooking, even throwing stuff in the microwave felt like a chore. And sleep? That would be impossible.

     “Sleep will be dealt with later, but I do suggest beginning to head to bed earlier. As for food,” Logan pushed up his glasses and gave a small smile - if Virgil didn’t know any better, he would describe it more as a cheeky smirk. “The solution is rather simple; I will supply your meals.”

     “Wha-huh?”

     “We’ll begin with two meals a day and a snack for the first few days, then move to three meals a day. I will plan for a month-long trial, but I’m willing to extend it to three months if we do not see any noticeable--”

     “Woah woah woah, slow down.” Virgil shook his head with a hand on his face. “Are you seriously offering to make me food every day? I’m not your child, Logan. I don’t need to be taken care of.” Really, that was only part of his problem with this plan. He’d rather not take so much time out of Logan’s day just because he can’t manage the simple task of feeding himself.

     Logan seemed taken aback by his annoyance, but he quickly pulled himself together. “Of course not. This is for science, and…” he trailed off, tapping on his arm in thought. It was a rare occurrence to see the logical side having to think so hard what to say. “It’s the scientist’s job to supply the variables for an experiment.”

     That’s not what Logan wanted to say, Virgil knows that. But thinking about it too hard would send him down an anxious spiral he’d like to avoid right now. “Don’t you have better things to do with your time?”

     “It doesn’t inconvenience me at all, I can promise you that.”

     Oh god, he really can’t get out of this, can he?

//

     He couldn’t.

     Virgil was awoken the next morning by a soft voice. Logan stood at his doorway and flicked his light on, blinding the sleepy side’s poor bag-ridden eyes. “Good morning, Virgil.”

     “Dude, what the hell? What time is it?” A quick check of his phone told him it was just ten minutes past 9 Am. The only time Virgil gets up this early is when he doesn’t sleep at all. “Putting me on a schedule was not part of the deal.”

     “My apologies for not clarifying; but waking up earlier will help yourself adjust when we move to the sleeping portion of the study.” Now that Virgil’s vision had adjusted, he could see that Logan didn’t look very awake, either. Though still standing up straight, his eyes drooped down, and his hair was still a tad messy. “I’m here to ask you what you want for breakfast.”

     “What does it matter?” He managed to push himself to sit up in bed, stretching his arms up with a long yawn. “Whatever you want, man, I’m not picky. Just tell me when it’s ready.”

     Logan raised a brow at him and crossed his arms. “Do you think you’re being served in bed? You will eat your meals at the table. Your bed is only for--”

     “Okay, okay, Mom. Just give me a minute, will you? I’ll meet you down there.”

     That “minute” turned out to equate to around ten minutes, but can you blame him? His usual morning routine, no matter how early or late he wakes up, involves at least half an hour of scrolling through Tumblr, and before being ‘best friends’ with Patton, he could stay in bed all day without any disturbance. He’s not even sure if his stomach could handle a whole meal this early - not without coffee, first.

     It seemed Logan was able to read his mind, as the moment he made it downstairs and sat at the table, a mug of that good bean water was placed in front of him. “It’s decaf; I know how you get on caffeine. Two sugars, as well.”

     Virgil looked between him and the coffee with bewilderment. “How… do you know these things?”

     “Well I am Logic, along with Thomas’s core memory.” Logan moved back to the kitchen to tend to whatever he was cooking on the stove. Most likely eggs, but Virgil couldn’t see it at his angle. “I have to memorize details to make sure no one does anything stu- err, inconveniencing. And if you’re lucky, the taste of the coffee will enact a placebo effect of energy without the arousal of fear.”

     He didn’t even like coffee, and he’s sure Logan picked up on that fact, too. But his distaste was another added layer to wake him up properly, and at this point, he was used to it. In his past, he would like to drink coffee in order to “stay more alert” for Thomas, but he now knows that much anxiety is just an inconvenience.

     Virgil was on his phone for only five minutes before a plate was placed in front of him, carrying a basic breakfast meal of scrambled eggs, two crisp pieces of bacon, and a plain slice of toast. Logan then laid out butter, salt, pepper, and of course: Crofter’s jam. “I hope this is to your satisfaction.”

     “Uh, yeah, thanks.” He awkwardly reached for the salt, bathing his eggs in it, then spread a thin layer of butter on his toast - it may have been a controversial opinion in this household to not use Crofter’s, but Virgil was a personal fan of putting his eggs on his toast as well.

     After going through his own motions, Logan took a bite of his eggs and suddenly paused. “...Huh.”

     “What is it?” Was something wrong with the eggs?

     “Oh, it’s nothing.” The logical side shook his head out of his own trance and took another small bite. “I suppose I just don’t remember the last time I ate a full breakfast of my own making. With Patton serving us breakfast so often, I grew used to simply grabbing a snack when he doesn’t.”

     “Hah, I’ve never made myself a full meal in my life.”

     “You what?”

     “Good morning, friends!” A much too energetic Roman interrupted the conversation, bouncing down the stairs with his typical exuberance. “I see breakfast has begun without me- wait, where’s Patton?” He glanced around the kitchen for his boyfriend, only to see Virgil and Logan alone with their nearly finished meals. “Did you make breakfast without us?”

     Logan grabbed a napkin and dabbed at his lips; the gesture radiated passive-aggressive professionalism. “Calm down, Roman. There is plenty left over for the both of you.” The side stood up from the table and began cleaning up. It seemed he was officially done with morning pleasantries for the day.

/-/

     The rest of the day went by as usual - casual conversations with Patton, mindlessly scrolling through Tumblr, and the occasional check-in with Thomas to make sure he wasn’t being complacent. The only difference came in the form of a projectile banana as his afternoon snack from Logan.

     He knew, as by Logan’s “experiment,” that he would be served dinner that night, but he wasn’t expecting to be asked to help with it.

     “You mentioned never cooking a meal before, so I thought it would be beneficial for you to learn how to.”

     “I never said I don’t know how to.” Virgil got up from his spot on the couch with a groan, stretching up his arms. He wasn’t completely sure, but he might have been sitting there on his phone for three hours. “I’m just lazy. You know this.”

     The logical side gave a prideful smirk and adjusted his glasses. “Then I suppose you can prove to me you know how to tonight.”

     So maybe Virgil didn’t know how to cook. Sue him.

     To be fair, he wasn’t lying. He thought he knew how to cook. It was easy, right? Just throw something in the oven and make sure it doesn’t burn. When he told Logan this, however, he gave Virgil a look that could only mean how the hell are you even alive?

     “I’ve baked with Patton before, I’m not completely useless.”

     “Baking is a completely different art form than cooking,” Logan said as he takes the ceramic plate Virgil was about to put on the stove. “Isn’t that right, Patton?”

     “Aww, go easy on him Lo!” Patton and Roman sat at the barstools just outside of the kitchen, Roman distracting himself with drawing. Logan had the horrible idea of making them dinner, putting even more pressure on the anxious side to not burn the entire kitchen down. “I believe in you, Virge. I bet anything you make will be delicious!”

     “Virgil, you’re turning on the oven, not the stove.”

     “...What’s the difference?”

     They all agreed to never let Virgil cook unsupervised, and Logan never asked him to help ever again.

     But that’s only because he didn’t need to; Virgil would always help anyway.

Chapter Text

     He didn't want to admit it to Logan, but his meal plan was, well, kind of working?

     It was a minimal difference, but he found himself having a tad more energy throughout the day - and not that horrible, anxious energy he got from coffee. But he didn't want to spend his entire day in bed anymore. He was still tired, but he could at least work without wanting to pass out.

     Sleep, however, had little to no improvement. Sure, being forced to wake up earlier had him going to bed earlier as well, but the amount of sleep he was getting remained stagnant. On better nights, he could get a whole six hours, but it seemed to average at around three or four.

     When he told Logan this, he looked absolutely horrified. “Virgil, do you realize how debilitating that is? Even six hours a night can significantly decrease someone's energy and in turn, their mental health. You should be getting at least seven, preferably eight or nine hours of sleep every night.”

     “Oh come on, that’s ridiculous.” They were eating dinner alone tonight; Patton ranted Virgil’s ears off about the ‘special surprise date’ Roman was planning, most likely something ridiculously extravagant (He was surprised how well this was going for the both of them. He was pessimistic before, but if anyone could make it work, it’s those two). “We’re still sides. Yeah, so the meals may be making me feel a bit better, but that’s just a placebo!”

     “The placebo effect usually works only on those who believe in the supposed effect in the first place.” The logical side took a short sip of water but held his index finger up when Virgil tried to respond. “That doesn’t mean you’re entirely incorrect. That’s why it is imperative we begin part two of the experiment.”

     Virgil groaned in his hands, accepting his fate. He really didn’t want his sleep schedule to be controlled, but he was a pushover when it came to people he cares about. “Okay, but how do you plan on doing this? You got some freaky device to track my sleep? ‘Cause I’m not doing that.”

     “Careful, you might give me ideas,” he adjusted his glasses with a sinister smile. “But no, we don’t need anything like that. I am simply going to sleep in your room and-”

     “Wait, what?”

     “Not to worry, I won’t intrude in your space. I’ll set up a blow-up mattress.”

     “No, that’s not-” What was Logan thinking? The last thing Virgil was worried about is an intrusion of space. Did he just forget what happened last time? “You’re not supposed to be in there for long periods of time, idiot. Do you want to be an anxious mess?” 

     He gave Virgil a quizzical look with a raised brow - something Virgil gets a lot of nowadays. “You are under the assumption that any side being in your room for an extended period of time will experience adverse side effects?” He spoke the question as if it was a crazy idea for him to have.

     “I… yes? Didn’t we determine that already?”

     He shook his head with a ‘tsk’ sound. “When we were in your room before, Thomas was with us. Of course, putting him in that corner of his mind would lead to all of us experiencing heightened anxiety. We put all of our metaphorical eggs in one metaphorical basket.”

     “That’s not how you use that phrase-”

     “ The point is,” Logan stopped Virgil’s train of thought as soon as possible, refusing to admit to his mistake. Both him and Patton fall flat when it comes to metaphors. “I’ll be fine temporarily sleeping in your room. If I feel any heightened anxiety, I will leave promptly, and if it doesn’t help ease your sleep, then we’ll try something else.”

     Well, that was the only coherent complaint he had with the plan. But he still felt… uncomfortable with it. His room was his safe space, and the idea of having someone else stay there for even just one night made him well, anxious. He wouldn’t be able to go on his phone without Logan noticing, and he might him up from moving around too much, and-

     “Alright, whatever. You can sleep in my room, I guess.”

     And as usual, he didn’t know how to say no.

//

     “I don’t know, Virgil. I think I’m falling in love!”

     The two best friends were lying together on Patton’s bed, Virgil having just finished his dinner with Logan for the day. Patton sat criss-cross on one of his pillows by the backboard, while Virgil lied back, supporting his head with crossed arms. Roman may have been occupying more of the moral side’s time, but Patton would always make sure he still made time for his best friend.

     “Pat, he literally only asked you to be his boyfriend like, not even two weeks ago.” He turned to Patton, propping himself up on one elbow. “I mean, I guess you know more about what love feels like than I do, but don’t you think it’s a bit too soon?”

     His friend gave a nervous giggle and absentmindedly tapped on his ankle. “I didn’t say I’m in love! I just…” He leaned forward, a hand on his cheek and an embarrassed smile. “I have liked him for quite a while, I think. And gosh, Virgil, he’s been so good to me. We both know Ro isn’t exactly, err, the best with words-”

     “Biggest understatement of the century.”

     Patton laughed once again. “-But! He’s been really trying for me. I can tell he doesn’t wanna mess this up, and- and he just makes me feel so special, you know?”

     In response, Virgil rolled his eyes and gave a fake gag, making Patton give him a friendly push. “Alright, no more boyfriend talk. You’re gonna make me throw up with all that cheesy romance crap.” While Patton no longer chastised him for cursing, some of the more “intense” curse words just seemed plain rude to use around him. The guy was old fashioned, but it was endearing.

     Unfortunately, Virgil failed to notice the almost evil smirk lifting on Patton’s face. “Oh, I don’t know, Virgil! You and Logan seem to be getting pretty close.”

     Virgil nearly choked. “Wha- oh my god, no! Patton!” He felt his face heat up a ridiculous amount - curse Thomas and his much-too-common blush. Sure, Logan was attractive, but he would never think of any of them in a romantic sense. “We’re not even friends! At least, I don’t think we are.”

     “Hasn’t he been making meals for you? Pretty sure that’s a good sign he’s your friend.”

     “It’s an… experiment.” Virgil sighed, realizing how ridiculous this would probably sound. “He wants to know exactly how food affects us, or something like that. I’m just his lab rat.”

     Patton was quiet for a moment before putting his hand to his chin and making a ‘hmm’ sound. “Have you ever thought this might be his attempt to reach out?” Virgil stared at him with a raised brow, so he gave him a smile. “Logan’s not great in the emotion department. By making food for you, maybe he’s trying to tell you he wants to be your friend! Without, you know, actually saying it.”

     The anxious side scoffed. “Okay, sure, but Logan’s also direct.” He remembers how Logan demonstrated how he’d ask out someone in their Valentine’s Day video. If Logan actually had any goals of friendship, Virgil can’t imagine him being so coy about it. “Plus, with how he is, I doubt he has any desire to have a friend.”

      Especially not friends with me.

     “Alright, alright, whatever you wanna believe.” Patton gently scruffed up his hair, making him give an involuntary shiver. With that, the moral side paused and began to softly comb through it with a smile. “You wanna have a sleepover tonight, bud?”

     What was really being asked is if he needed some extra physical affection for the night. He almost said yes out of instinct, but he quickly remembered his other plans for the night. Instead, he sat up and leaned his head into Patton’s side. “As much as I want to, I already promised Logan we’d start part two of his dumb experiment. He wants to try to make me get better sleep.”

     Patton hummed and continued to stroke his hair. “Well, in my experience, you sleep a lot better with cuddles. Maybe you should tell Lo that?”

     “I don’t want to cuddle with Logan,” he scoffed.

     And if it was a lie, that’s nobody’s business.

/

     “Is this spot optimal to you?”

     “Uh, yeah. Sure.” Logan had summoned a blow-up mattress across the room from Virgil’s own bed. Honestly, he wishes Logan would put it closer to him; but then again, he’d probably end up accidentally stepping on him in the morning.

     He already knew this plan wasn’t going to work as Logan wanted it to. His anxiety was spiking up from Logan’s presence in his room, making it apparent that Virgil wouldn’t fall asleep for a good while, if at all. Part of him wanted to just call off the whole thing and go sleep with Patton, but he didn’t want to let Logan down so quickly - Patton was probably snuggled up in Roman’s bed by now, anyway.

     (A spark of sad envy shot through his heart. He could really use a cuddle right now.)

     Despite his best judgement, he threw himself into the cozy sheets of his bed without any objection. He immediately buried himself in all of his blankets, including his favorite weighted blanket that got him through most nights. It was warmer than he would’ve liked, but the slight discomfort was worth it to get rid of the horrid itch under his skin asking for a grounding touch.

     Logan turned off the bedside lamp and lied down on the uncomfortable-looking mattress. “Goodnight, Virgil.”

     “Night.”

     It was hard not to think about what Patton told him.

     Logan was… complicated. A logical dumbass is how Virgil would refer to him. Sometimes, he was the supposed “Perfect Logic:” Unbiased, factual, and emotionally stagnant. Sometimes, he showed a gentle, empathetic piece of him, giving calming smiles and compassionate advice. And other times, he would lash out, then hide away the moment he realized what he had done.

     Human logic is biased. Human logic is opinionated. Human logic is emotional. Logan of all people should know that.

     Virgil could see himself in Logan at times. Deep down, he too was sporadic, confused, and scared. That’s what made Patton’s word harder on him; he wanted to be Logan’s friend. He wanted to be there for him, and… have him be there for him. It came from selfish wants, ones he thought he’d gotten over long ago, but Patton had to give him a spark of hope in his black, emo heart.

     “...Logan?”

     “Yes?”

     He wasn’t able to stop himself from speaking out Logan’s name, but he couldn’t get himself to ask the question, either. “Nothing, nevermind.”

     “Speak your mind, Virgil. This is a judgement-free zone.” Goddammit, Logan, why’d he have to be so nice to him? He didn’t want to say it. He knew he was about to get his heart broken.

     “Are we friends?” He said it anyway, feeling immediate relief similar to when he shared his name. In just two beats, however, that relief turned into a panic with deafening silence filling the room. “Ignore that. That was a dumb-”

     “Virgil.” This was it. Logan, always so kind and courteous to his needs, would gently and awkwardly explain why they can’t be friends, that he doesn’t do friendship, that he’d never be friends with Anx- “Is this not what friendship is?”

     “I… What?”

     He couldn’t see Logan’s face, but he swore he heard a smile in his voice- maybe even a bit of a laugh? “I’m sleeping in your room, Virgil. I believe most would refer to this activity as a “sleepover,” which is usually reserved for friends and loved ones, correct?”

      Loved ones? Was he hearing him right? “Well, yeah, but- but you said this was an experiment! And you don’t do friends!”

     “Yes, an experiment I would only conduct with a trusted friend.” Virgil nearly gave an audible gasp at that. Logan’s wording suggested that not only did he consider Virgil a friend, but he did even before they started all of this. “I understand your confusion. I have never needed nor desired such relationships in my life. However, I feel… I think it can be a mutually beneficial experience. Wouldn’t you agree?”

     Virgil’s mind was reeling in the sort of way only Logan could accomplish. All this time, he was completely wrong about Logan’s intentions with him. He wasn’t sure what he meant by “mutually beneficial,” and he doubted his definition of friendship was the same as Virgil’s, but this was still much more than he could have asked for from Logan. He felt an embarrassing, giddy smile grow on his face that he was glad couldn’t be seen in the dark.

     “Alright. Yeah. I guess we’re friends, then.”

/

     It was about an hour after they lied down that Virgil heard it. A strange grumble that nearly made him jump out of bed.

     Snoring.

     Logan snored.

     For the second time that night, he felt his lips turn upwards into a smile. The sound was, in a strange way, comforting to hear.

     Maybe this would work, after all.

Chapter Text

     It didn’t work.

     Okay, maybe he was being too quick to jump to conclusions - this was only the first night, after all - but Logan’s presence did not help him sleep better at all. If anything, he slept worse.

     He nearly lied to Logan about it. It wasn’t that he wanted Logan to feel better about his experiment; he’d probably enjoy getting to test new things, being the science nerd he is. No, Virgil just desperately didn’t want to tell him why the experiment didn’t work. It would’ve been so much more simple if he didn’t know the answer to that question, but he knew the exact reason.

     (Spoiler alert: It wasn’t the snoring.)

     “Do you know about how much sleep you received, then?” Logan asked, his eyes looking just a tad downcast at the news that it didn’t work. They were in the middle of eating breakfast, so he hid himself by taking a bite out of his french toast.

     Unfortunately, Virgil had no idea. He never had to guesstimate before, always knowing nearly the exact number of hours he got due to being on his phone. With Logan sleeping in the room, though, he was much too fearful that the brightness of the phone screen would wake him up. “I don’t know, man. Three or four hours, maybe?”

     Logan gave a hum, putting his fork down and rubbing at his chin in thought. “Do you have any inclination as to why? Was there any difference compared to your usual nights?”

     “Not really?” That technically wasn’t a lie. Besides the lack of phone usage, his amount of sleep and his emotions were typical to what most of his nights were like. “It wasn’t bad, having you there and all. It just didn’t really do anything.”

     “Let’s try a different approach, then. When do you usually sleep well?”

     “In Patton’s room.” He said it without thinking. He knew exactly where this conversation was leading, and he did not like it. But the last thing he was going to do was lie to Logan. “Look, could we drop this?”

     The logical side raised a brow as he swallowed his food. “Why? Is there something about this topic that upsets you?”

     “Well, no, not upset-”

     “Embarrasses you, then?”

     Virgil had the strong urge to bury his head into his hands, but he just avoids eye contact instead. He hoped Logan didn’t notice how red his face was under his foundation. “I don’t know. It’s just… weird.”

     Logan hums once again, understanding passing his face. “Is it Patton’s presence that aids your sleep?”

     He relinquished his self-control, pushing away his empty plate and groaning into his crossed arms on the table. “I guess, but probably not for the reasons you’re thinking.” Patton’s presence was soothing, but that itself wasn’t enough to let him fall asleep so easily. But, without fail, he was always able to rest when he was in Patton’s arms. How the hell was he supposed to tell Logan that? What if the word got out to Roman and he got mad at him?

     That last thought was ridiculous, of course. He’s sure Roman knows how affectionate Patton is with his friends, but that doesn’t mean Virgil isn’t going to worry.

     He looked up at the sound of a chair moving. Logan stood up, grabbing their empty plates, then stopping to give Virgil a small smile. “How would you feel about me staying in your bed, then?”

     “Wh- excuse me?”

     Virgil swore Logan’s grin turned into a smirk as he turned away to wash their plates in the kitchen, that cheeky bastard. “I have observed that Thomas sleeps better when one of his friends stay in the same bed, and he often forms a better sleep schedule when he has a boyfriend staying with him. Is it wrong of me to hypothesize this would also aid your own sleep?”

     “I…” Dammit, why did Logan have to be such an intelligent idiot? He was so close to figuring it out, yet so, so far. “...That might work, I guess.”

     He’s sure it won’t. Having Logan in his room made him all too aware of how lonely he felt in his bed. While filling the space next to him might sound like a good idea, that would surely only make it worse. Now that he’s hyperaware of his touch-starved condition, even sitting close to someone without receiving any touch makes his entire body feel cold and on fire at the same time.

     If anything, he’ll end up kicking Logan out of the bed.

//

     He woke up warm.

     His half-asleep brain rationalized that he fell asleep in Patton’s room last night. So, without another thought, he closed his eyes and cuddled closer to the body wrapped around him.

     “Virgil, ‘stime to get up,” a sleep-filled voice attempted to push him awake.

     “No. Comfy.” He was barely even registering his own words, but as the words he heard fully processed in his head, he realized two very crucial details; that was certainly not Patton, and the moral side spent the night with Roman. He quickly pushed halfway out of Logan’s arms, giving him the best shocked look he could this early in the morning. “Logan?”

     His arms were now hanging loosely around Virgil’s waist, but Logan did not move. “Oh, apologies, Virgil. Uh-” he interrupted himself with a yawn, briefly moving to rub at his eyes, then put his hand back exactly where it was. “You clung onto me as you were falling asleep, and I made the connection that Patton likely embraces you when staying the night in his room. It was, um, just an attempt to help you sleep.”

     “Ah.” Virgil found himself close to laughing. He had never really heard Logan stutter before this, and he couldn’t tell if it was because of the hour of the day or the subject material - or both. “I mean, you’re not wrong, but it makes it a lot harder to want to get out of bed.”

     Logan was looking anywhere but Virgil’s face, another thing he hadn’t seen him do before. “I admit, this is a rather… comfortable position to be in.” It surprised Virgil that he was enjoying this, too. That being said, he wouldn’t be surprised if Logan was just a bit touch-starved as well. “I will allow an extra ten minutes in bed, but no more than that. We wouldn’t want to start bad habits, now.”

     “Of course,” Virgil said, but as he hesitantly buried his head back in Logan’s chest, and Logan’s arms wrapped warmly around him, his chin resting on top of his head, Virgil realized he could probably extend this to at least twenty minutes without much effort at all.

     He never considered that cuddling with a different side than Patton would be any different, but he found himself enjoying having another option. Patton was always on the colder side, which was often strangely comforting. Logan, on the other hand, was rather warm, leading to having the majority of Virgil’s blankets kicked down to the lower half of his bed. He didn’t like either more than the other but delighted at now being able to tell who was holding him.

     Maybe that was a little weird. But he didn’t care to think about it much this early in the morning.

     He managed to get a whole thirty minutes out of this cuddle session before Logan was dragging him out of bed to make breakfast. As his brain finally woke up, he found himself feeling increasingly embarrassed about what happened last night. He didn’t even remember turning towards Logan, much less cuddling up to his side, but he knows he couldn’t have been fully asleep when he did it. How could he make a mistake like that while awake?

     ...But can he really call it a mistake? Not only did Logan have no qualms against it, but he seemed to like cuddling him. Sure, it was awkward, but just about everything is awkward with a nerd like Logan. He was so inexperienced with anything to do with friendship, and Virgil himself has only had a single friend.

     To sum things up, they had no idea what they were doing.

     “You seem troubled, Virgil. Is something the matter?” Logan asked as he fried up potatoes. Virgil, of course, was sitting on the counter, waiting for the tea the logical side picked out for him to heat up.

     “No, I’m fine.” He wasn’t fine, not completely. There was something bubbling in his chest that he couldn’t quite pinpoint, yet he knows he’d felt it before. It was some general sense of wrongness. Wrong to wake up warm for once. Wrong to enjoy being in Logan’s arms so much. Wrong to want nothing more than to crawl back into bed with him and feel that warmth again. Wrong to even exist in the space he was in right now.

     He never had this problem with Patton. Why was this different? Why did he feel so gross inside? Could he never just let himself be happy?

     “You’re spiraling.” Logan broke through the buzzing in his head, as he always does. He turned down the heat of the stove and moved to stand in front of Virgil, gently grabbing his hands. “I understand. You are feeling confused, embarrassed, and out of place. Am I correct?”

     “How did you know?” Virgil gave an amused, sad huff.

     Logic’s gaze fell to the floor. “...Just a guess.” As quick as they left, his eyes returned to Virgil’s own, a direct yet soft look falling onto them. “It is quite a normal feeling during incidents of sudden change. Allow me to finish breakfast, and then we may talk it over. Does that sound alright?”

     He gave a pathetic nod in response. He wasn’t feeling any better yet, but Logan’s soothing tone gave him a revelation.

     Virgil was the only one here who didn’t know what he was doing. Logan knew exactly what he was doing. While that stressed him out now, he thinks that just maybe, he’ll grow to take comfort in that fact.

Chapter Text

Hello to anyone who may still be following this ol' fic of mine! Can you believe it's been two years since it last updated?

I always thought it was a shame I didn't get to finish it. By the second half of 2020 I just had no interest in Sanders Sides anymore, and I don't see myself ever getting back into it. However, rereading this fic... it's still one of my favorite fic projects I've done, spelling errors and all. It remains the only fic I had a planning document for, with a list of all the chapters; I'm usually much more into just winging it, but I wanted this work to be an improvement to its predecessor, The Aspects of Being Human. And I think, despite it being unfinished, I succeeded in that goal.

So if you were hoping this fic was coming back... I'm sorry, but that will almost definitely never happen. However, if you want to know what I had planned for it, I can give you some of that. The chapter breakdown I made was purposely vague to give myself some wiggle room, but that also unfortunately means I don't remember exactly what I had planned for half of these chapters. Here's what was written in my notes anyway:

14. Fighting Fear - Logan teaches Virgil how to use Logic to fight his thoughts

15. Nightmares - Virgil has a nightmare. Logan does, too.

16. Feeling in General - Virgil teaches Logan emotions aren’t the opposite of logic

17. The True Constant- Virgil realizes Logic keeps Anxiety in control (in a good way). Logan likes Patton and learns about polyamory

18. Bittersweet Future - Logan gets with Patton. Virgil’s… happy for them. He’s just gonna miss some things. (End of Arc Two)

Arc Three

19. Arc Three: Roman - Roman gets into a small fight with Pat and has some making up to do. Patton admits he likes Virgil, too.

20. Slipping - Virgil’s having a bad day and Roman wants to watch a movie

21. No One’s Innocent  - After the awkwardness of their first movie watch, Roman realizes things can’t get better without an apology

22. Fear The Dark - Virgil admits he still feels evil sometimes. Roman takes Virgil on an adventure to fix that. Virgil and Roman’s fears make something interesting

23. Moving On - Virgil talks about his past with the dark sides

24. Regrets - Virgil and Roman have a small fight. It brings out some bad things… and some good things?

25. In Mysterious Ways - Virgil helps Roman admit to his insecurities. Virgil realizes he might like Roman

26. Not Quite Jealousy - Roman rants about how he feels for Logan and Virgil has some confused feelings

27. Love - The three main sides are now together. Roman gives Virgil his thanks. Virgil is terrified. Virgil likes all of them.

Arc Four

28. Arc Four: Virgil - Virgil wants to help himself. Yeah, that’s what this arc is about. He can ignore those romantic problems.

29. Cold Again - Step One: Learn how to sleep by yourself. Virgil needs to function without much touch again. Patton sees him. (Second half Patton’s POV)

30. Necessities - Step Two: Feed your own mouth. But why does he need to eat again if he’s not real? Logan reminds him (2nd half Logan’s POV)

31. Don’t Poke The Venomous - Step Three: Confront Your Fears. Virgil tries to sneak into Roman’s room to practice. Roman finds him. (2nd half Roman’s POV)

32. Three Steps Back - Virgil doesn’t understand why he’s falling so much because of this. He shouldn’t need romantic relationships to be okay, right? First panic attack without comfort in a while (Parallels chapter 4)

33. The One Misplacement - Virgil finds Logan’s notebook and reads of the events of that first day.

34. Presentable Liberty - Virgil starts receiving things under his door, first just letters, then origami littered on his desk and bed, then pictures and gifts. 

35. No Progress Lost - When Virgil finally leaves his room, they’re all waiting for him.

36. Never Quite Ends (Epilogue) - Healing is something that is done actively, every day. Virgil still has bad days, and the others have their own, too. But it gets better

And that was it.

I thank the Sanders Sides fandom for providing me a home for three years. I may have grown out of it, but these characters will always hold a special place in my heart.

Thank you. There may be no one here left to hear it, but thank you anyway. And as I always say, comment if you enjoyed!