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Arthur hangs his coat and comes to living room. He sees Merlin sitting at the computer, working. End of his tongue sticks from between his lips. He always does this when he concentrates at something. Arthur smiles warmly at this sight. Horrible days always get better when he sees Merlin.
When Arthur comes closer Merlin lifts his head, noticing him finally. He smiles widely.
“Arthur!” He says. “You are finally home.”
“Observant as always, I see.” Arthur replies, smirking.
Merlin scowls at him.
“And you are still a prat.”
“A prat you love.” Arthur says holding hand to his chest dramatically.
Merlin rolls his eyes and looks at laptop again.
“Oh, no. You are not working now.” He says, taking laptop from him.
“Oi!” he yells, trying to take it back. “I have to finish it!”
“You finished for today.” Arthur says firmly, putting it on a table. “Knowing you, you were working on this all day. Am I wrong?”
Merlin crosses his arms, pouting.
“I almost finished it.” he murmurs.
“Sure you did.” Arthur says, going to the kitchen. “Do you want a coffee?”
“Yeah, thanks.” He hears him, muffled by a wall.
When Arthur returns with two cups of coffee, he sees Merlin sitting at his laptop, frowning.
“What I said about working?” he asks, putting cups on a table.
“I’m not.” He says. “I just wanted to save my progress and then I saw that Leon written to me on Messenger.
“Leon?” Arthur jags his memory, trying to remember from what he knows this name. He sits on a couch beside Merlin.
“My ex.” Merlin explains. “I was dating him for some time before I met you.”
“This one from America?” he frowns.
“Yes. After we broke up, he moved there again. Apparently he is in UK for now.”
“What does he wants?” he asks, sipping coffee.
“I don’t know. He wants to talk to me about something.”
“He doesn’t want to go back to you, surely?” Arthur asks harsher than intended.
Merlin looks at him, amused.
“I don’t think so. I heard he has someone. Besides” he puts laptop aside and kisses Arthur softly. “Even if he does I have now amazing boyfriend I couldn’t trade for anything.”
Arthur puts arm around his waist and tugs him closely. He raises his eyebrow and smiles smugly.
“Amazing?”
Merlin pinches his arm lightly.
“Don’t let this go to your head.” he snuggles to him.
“I wouldn’t dream of this.” he says softly, kissing temple of his own amazing boyfriend.
***
Merlin looks at his phone, realizing that he is five minutes late. He sighs and goes quickly to his destination - small coffee shop when he is supposed to meet with Leon. He enters, immediately smelling delicious smell of coffee. He looks around and sees Leon, sitting at the table in corner. He sits rigidly, nervously playing with a napkin. When he notices him, he straightens and smiles, somehow anxiously.
“Sorry I’m late.” Merlin says sitting on opposite side of table.
“It’s fine.” Leon says, putting creased napkin on the side. “I ordered you coffee. I hope you still like latte with soy milk?”
Merlin smiles gratefully.
“That’s right. Thanks.”
“Your welcome.”
They fall in uncomfortable silence.
“So, how you’re doing in America?” Merlin asks.
“I’m doing great.” Leon says, smiling. “I got really good job in newspaper.”
“Oh, really? That’s wonderful.”
“Yeah.” Leon nods. “Are you still graphic designer?”
“Yes.”
“That’s great.”
Merlin tries not to fidget. It feels really strange to meet with him again and not knowing what even talk about. Their relationship was easy and comfortable back then. He felt secure and happy. They enjoyed spending time together. But he never loved Leon. When Leon said that he moves to America and brake up with him, he was sad but not heartbroken.
Then waitress brings them their coffees. Leon thanks her and drinks his own, not looking at Merlin. After a few minutes of this tense silence, Merlin signs.
“Look, Leon. Did you want to talk to me about something?”
Leon glances at him warily.
“Yeah. There is something I have to tell you.” He starts to rotate his cup on its plate. When he doesn’t add anything for next minute, Merlin really starts to worry. What it can be to make him so nervous to tell him?
“Just tell me.” Merlin advises, smiling encouragingly.
Leon is silent another moment.
“At first I wanted to just call or write to you but I didn’t know how to tell you this.” He says, consciously. “And when my friend invited me to London, I thought that the best would be if I’d tell you by myself.”
“Leon. Stop stalling.”
“Sorry.” Leon grimaces. “I just still didn’t figure out how to tell you.
“Maybe from the start?” Merlin proposes.
“Yeah, maybe.” Leon says pensive. “From the start. Okay.... So, you see... Before I met you, I had a girlfriend.” Merlin raises his eyebrows, confused. What it has to do with anything? “You see, she’s a lovely woman. Her name is Elena. But she had this ex-boyfriend, Cenred who did drugs. She’d break up with him after he cheated on her.”
“That’s horrible.” Merlin says, meaning this. He really does not understand how someone could cheat on their partner. “But I still don’t understand what you want to tell me?”
Leon sighs. “I’ll go to this shortly.” He sips his coffee, thinking on his next words. “We with Elena quickly discovered that we are better as friends than a couple and we are friends to this day.
He again starts to play with the cup.
“Elena some time ago told me that Cenred died recently.”
Merlin’s eyes widen. That was unexpected. Leon is silent for a moment, then suddenly looks him right in the eyes and says:
“He died because of AIDS.”
“Oh.”
“Elena didn’t know he was sick. He didn’t tell her. I don’t know if he told anyone.”
“What do you want to tell me by that?” Merlin asks warily. He has a bad feeling about this conversation.
Leon bites his lips.
“She did test on HIV. It was positive. When she told me about it I also tested myself. I am HIV-positive as well.” He grimaces.
Merlin feels icy sensation in his stomach. This can’t mean what he thinks it does, surely. It can’t be.
Leon looks at Merlin apologetically.
“I think you should also test yourself.”
No.
No, no, no, no, no, NO!
It’ can’t be!
He feels like under water. Everything is muffled and he is alone with his mind. Only thing he hears is blood roaring in his ears. Only think he feels is his beating heart. He does not register what he seeing. He is trapped.
He is hardly aware of Leon’s worried expression and his words for Merlin to calm down. He stands up from a seat on wobbly legs, mumbles some excuse to Leon and flees.
He runs and runs for he doesn’t know how long. When he finally stops tired, he finds himself near some park. He goes there and sits on a closest free bench. He rests his elbows on his knees and buries his face in his hands. He’s shaking, he doesn’t know if from exhaustion or from shock. He sits like this for some time, trying to calm his breath.
Finally, he pulls his hands from his face and stares at them blankly.
He thinks of blood flowing through them. Flowing through all of him. He thinks of how this blood can be tainted, dirty, unclean. Make him tainted.
Is he going to die?
Then he thinks about how Cenred, Elena and Leon infected their partners and worse think crossed his mind.
Arthur.
Oh, please, God. Only not Arthur.
Realisation that not only he can be sick but he could also infected Arthur makes him physically sick. He feels guilty and scared. He could never forgive himself if he did it to Arthur.
What would Arthur do if he knew about Merlin? Would he be repulsed of him? Would he leave him? If Merlin infected him... would he hate him for it?
Merlin feels tears gather in his eyes. This is not fair. Everything is so well recently. Arthur and Merlin after dating for six months, moved together six weeks ago. His work as graphic designer goes very well and Arthur wins more cases.
Why now, when everything is perfect, he has it taken away?
He tries to take a few deep breaths to calm himself.
It still isn’t certain.
Maybe Leon didn’t infect him. Maybe Merlin doesn’t have... HIV. Maybe there’s still a hope.
He has to be reasonable like an adult that he is. He has to test himself. So he takes his mobile and checks for tests on HIV in London.
***
Merlin returns home resigned. He didn’t manage to test himself today as he hoped. It’s already Friday afternoon. Nearest tests are on Monday’s morning. He has to wait whole weekend for his verdict. Is he’s going to be acquitted or he’ll get a life sentence?
Merlin sags on couch. And he has to face Arthur. He knows that he has to tell him about it, but not now. Not, if there is still a chance that everything will be alright. He doesn’t want to know his reaction yet. He doesn’t want to know yet if he’s going to reject him or not. He couldn’t bear it. Not now.
So he’s not going to tell him yet. But Merlin can’t hide his emotions to save his life. Especially to Arthur. He is almost as good at reading him as his mum. And she is almost psychic. He also can’t lie. So the only remaining option is avoiding him. It shouldn’t be too hard because of his current case he has to work at the weekend.
Thought of avoiding Arthur hurts in itself. He loves seeing him, spending time with him, snuggling to him. And right now he really could take some snuggling.
He also can’t have sex with him. If he’s going to have sex with him ever again?
Merlin takes his laptop to work a little. He can use some distraction if he is to somehow endure those two days.
***
Something is wrong with Merlin, Arthur is sure of it.
When Arthur comes back to home on Friday evening, Merlin is nowhere to be found. He is worried at first. Merlin usually is home at these times, because it’s when Arthur returns home. But this time, to Arthur’s displeasure, their flat is visibly merlinless. It’s concerning. But when he calls him, Merlin picks up and says that he is in the store. He sounds somehow off but he’s assuring that he is fine.
Arthur shrugs it off. It isn’t so strange. Maybe Merlin was so worked up during the day that he forgot to go to a store earlier. And didn’t he was supposed to meet with this Leon guy today? Maybe he was so caught up with this meeting, that he simply didn’t have time to go earlier?
Arthur feels a pang of jealously at second possibility. What would be so interesting with this guy to make Merlin late at their daily reunion, anyway?
So he turns on the telly and waits for his boyfriend to be home.
Then he finally returns, he holds two heavy bags of groceries.
“Why didn’t you call me to help you? Those weights a ton!” he says, starting unpacking them.
“It was fine. They aren’t that heavy.”
Arthur looks at him sceptically. And then he notices that Merlin is paler than usual. He also looks somewhat tense and he avoids Arthur’s eyes.
Clever response dies on his lips and instead he asks: “Are you alright?”
“I’m fine.” He responds far too quickly. Arthur raises his eyebrow. “I’m just tired.”
“I see.” Arthur says slowly “And how was at meeting with Leon?”
“It went fine.” Merlin says looking at his feet. “We’d catch up.”
Every sensor in Arthur’s brain goes on screaming that Merlin hides something.
“Merlin.” Arthur says, serious. “What’s really going on?”
“Nothing!” Merlin squeaks glancing at him anxiously. “I am just really tired. And have a headache. I think, I’ll just go to sleep earlier.” He says quickly and then flees to the bedroom closing door behind him.
Arthur frowns. Merlin obviously hides something. Did something happen during his meeting with Leon? What it could be? Did this guy do something to Merlin?
Arthur feels creeping rage at thought of this man hurting Merlin somehow. If this bastard did something...
Arthur commands himself to calm down. He still doesn’t know if this is the case. And knowing Merlin, he will not learn this any time soon. He can’t lie to save his life but if he doesn’t want to say something, no matter what you try, he will not tell you.
Arthur rubs his eyes. He just has to wait. If Merlin still will be behaving strange tomorrow, Arthur will make him talk, somehow.
But next day isn’t any better.
When Arthur returns home, Merlin thankfully is inside but works on his laptop. He doesn’t look up at him, even when he must have noticed him already.
“Hello.” Arthur says, feeling somewhat awkward.
Merlin glances at him quickly and then returns to work. “Hi.”
Arthur watches him intently. If he is still upset about whatever have happened yesterday? He doesn’t look happy. Hell, he looks sad and tired. He has dark circles under his eyes. As if he didn’t sleep well, despite that he went to sleep earlier.
Arthur is concerned. He feels a wave of protectiveness and worry. What happened to make his Merlin so miserable? He wants to hug him and learn what is wrong, so he could remedy that.
“Merlin.” He says sternly, wanting his boyfriend to look at him. When he finally does, Arthur continues. “Tell me, please. What’s going on?”
Merlin looks back at the screen.
“Nothing’s going on.”
Arthur feels frustrated. He wants to shake him, to make him tell what’s wrong. But he can’t let his temper show. This could only scare Merlin off and then he for sure couldn’t learn what’s up.
“Did your ex do something to you?”
Merlin looks up, surprised.
“No, Leon did nothing wrong.”
Arthur is both relieved and frustrated. He can tell that Merlin told the truth. But if this guy isn’t the reason of his strange behaviour, then what is? Maybe Arthur did something wrong? But no matter how hard he tries, he can’t remember when he could do something what could upset Merlin. Evening before he noticed something wrong was perfect. They were joking, snuggling in front of the telly and they had great sex afterwards.
“Merlin, just tell me what’s wrong.”
Merlin looks at him angrily.
“Jesus, nothing’s wrong. Will you leave me alone?!” after that he closes his laptop, unplugs it and storms to the bedroom with it, slamming the doors.
Arthur looks at closed door, gaping. He is shocked by his boyfriend’s sudden outburst. Merlin so rarely raises his voice and even less often shouts at Arthur. Maybe Arthur really did something?
He rubs his face. Whatever is going on, he can’t do anything about it tonight. Maybe it will be better if he leaves Merlin alone for now. He shouldn’t probe him anymore. It’s only upsetting Merlin and gets him nowhere. He should for now just watch him closely and maybe try to cheer him up a bit.
***
When Merlin wakes up, he still feels tired. But he can’t sleep anymore. Not when he remembers a couple of last days. He feels horribly guilty for shouting at Arthur yesterday. He was just concerned about Merlin, wanted to know what’s wrong, like good boyfriend he is. And Merlin let his negative emotions burst out on a person who least deserved it.
Merlin was naive, thinking that he could hide his foul mood from Arthur. It let him just one good look to know that something was wrong with him. He felt horrible for making him worry but if he really knew what’s going on he would be even more upset.
It’s only one day. He has to endure only one day of this endless waiting and everything will be settled. For better or for worst. At this moment he thinks, that everything would be better than this awful suspense.
He gets out from the bed, eats breakfast and turns on laptop to work. Several hours later, he gets idea that he could apologize to Arthur for his outburst yesterday by doing him supper. So he closes the laptop and goes to the kitchen.
He goes through a few options of what to cook and finally decides for lasagne. He isn’t great cook and lasagne is both easy in preparation and filling. He takes vegetables and starts cutting them.
It’s surprisingly relaxing task. He feels less skittish and anxious. He almost feels normal. Maybe it won’t be bad. Maybe he isn’t infected. Tomorrow he will know and he’ll forget all about this.
And then he slits carrot at wrong angle and cuts his thumb.
He sees blood gathering in the gash and freezes. Earlier calm immediately forgotten, he feels like his heart beats faster and his breath quicken. He runs to sink and with shaking hand, he flips tap and sticks his thumb under running water.
He feels panic crawling its way to his chest and he tries to calm himself. After a couple of minutes, he turns out the water and finds bandage in drawer. He sticks it to his finger.
He leans on a counter. He still feels himself shaking. He looks at vegetables and feels sick. He goes to them and dumps all of them to trash can. Then he looks at knife. He doesn’t see blood on a blade but what if some viruses are on it? What if Arthur uses it and gets infected?
He takes it and tries to clean it by sponge and soap. But after that he still isn’t satisfied, so he dumps the knife too.
Then, angry at himself and still hungry, he orders take-out and goes back to work.
***
Arthur comes home. He is nervous what he finds today. He couldn’t focus on work because his thoughts still returned to his boyfriend. He so much wants to know what’s going on but if trying to learn that, he makes Merlin shut himself away even more, is it really good way to help him? Maybe if he cheers him up then he relaxes and tells Arthur? But even if he doesn’t he at least will be in a better mood.
Besides, Arthur misses him. He did not spend properly time with him for two days.
He sees his boyfriend sitting on a couch and working at his laptop. It’s so familiar sight that it’s too easy to pretend that everything is fine.
“Hi.” He says cheerfully, sitting beside him and throwing arm around his shoulders. Merlin looks at him surprised. Arthur feels how he tenses. “Missed me?”
Merlin looks at him for another moment, dumbfounded and then smirks.
“You wish.”
He still doesn’t look truly fine, but he relaxes a bit. Arthur can take it.
He raises his eyebrows.
“You didn’t miss your amazing boyfriend?”
“Who said you are amazing?”
“I believe you did.”
Merlin lifts his brows and visibly tries to fight back a grin.
“I did no such a thing. You’re delusional.”
“Oh, really?” Arthur asks, smirking. He puts laptop on coffee table and corners Merlin with each arm on the other side of his head, hands on top of backseat. “I’m pretty sure you said that.”
“I did not!” He insists, smiling. Arthur notices with satisfaction that he is now fully relaxed.
“Are you sure?” He asks with a low voice, kissing him. “Because amazing boyfriend could do a lot of amazing things.”
“Mhmm, yeah?” Merlin murmurs between kisses. He puts hands in Arthur’s hair.
“Yeah.” He says and then starts kissing his neck. Merlin moans. So he does it again. Then he takes one hand from the backseat and takes it to bulge in Merlin’s trousers and tires to open up the zip. Merlin freezes.
“Arthur, stop.” Merlin says, sounding scared. Arthur stops immediately and looks at him worryingly. He avoids his eyes, looking pained.
“Hey, what’s wrong?” Arthur asks softly, caressing his cheek.
“Nothing. Just...” he bits his bottom lip and then looks at him, looking guilty. “Not today, okay? Can we watch some movie instead?”
“If you want to.” he says, sitting properly again.
“Thank you.” He smiles at him sadly.
Arthur can’t bear it anymore.
“Merlin, you know I love you, right?”
Merlin looks at him surprised.
“Yes, I know.”
“So, you can image what it does to me, to watch how you’re troubling with something and I even don’t know what’s wrong?”
Merlin opens his mouth, but Arthur cuts him, before he manages to deny it once more.
“And don’t you dare say again that you’re fine. Because you obviously aren’t. And it’s killing me to seeing you hurting.”
Merlin bits his lip and looks at his hands, thinking.
Arthur isn’t a person to so openly talking about feelings. But that thing with Merlin was driving him crazy through last days. He has to do everything in his might to learn what’s going on so he can help Merlin.
Merlin is silent through a long time and Arthur starts to worry that he said something wrong and Merlin will shut in at him once more, but then he looks at him cautiously.
“I’ll tell you.” He says, quietly. “But not tonight.”
“Merlin...”
“I’ll tell you tomorrow okay? I promise. I have to be sure first.”
“Sure of what?” Arthur says, confused.
Merlin just shakes his head.
“I’ll tell you tomorrow. Okay?” He looks at him hopefully.
Arthur sighs. He wants to know now but he supposes that better wait one more day than to never know.
“Okay. But you’re not going to go out with it, by avoiding questions again.”
“I won’t.”
“Good.” Arthur says, leaning on the backseat. “So, what do you want to watch?”
“I don’t know. I heard about this TV show ‘Damien’”?
“I know about it. We can watch it. The main character is handsome.”
“The best quality of show for you.” Merlin says, amused.
“You know me well.” Arthur says, turning on the show.
***
Merlin sits anxiously on a plastic chair, wringing his hands. He had collected blood two hours ago and through all this time he can’t bear the nerves. Never in his life waiting for something was so hard. Never something he was waiting for was so damn important.
He regretted that he didn’t have someone with him here. Someone who could help him wait it out through here, hold his hand, kiss his worry out... Who’s he kidding? He just wants Arthur here.
And he could have. Yesterday evening he almost told him everything. He isn’t sure why he did not. Deep down, he knows that Arthur could support him through it. He isn’t the type of person who could leave him in time like this, no matter what. But he was too afraid to tell him. If someone asked him what he is so afraid of, he is not sure how he could explain this.
It’s just... a mass of emotions swirling around his head. One moment he feels almost fine, hopeful that everything will be alright and another he is crumbling apart with worry, guilt and fear. He can’t deal with that. It’s frightening and confusing and too much and makes him do decisions he doesn’t fully understand.
“Mr. Emrys?” he hears. It’s a nurse, holding a huge white envelope.
Merlin stands so quickly that he almost falls in the process.
“That’s me.”
She smiles at him.
“That’s your results, Mr. Emrys.”
Merlin looks at envelope, fearful. He waited for it for so long and now he wants nothing more than to run away from it, as far as he can. In this envelope is his future. What will it hold?
Nurse, seeing his hesitation, puts her palm at his arm.
“I don’t know what it’s your result but no matter what, it won’t be all bad. Every new diagnose can be scary but people learn to live with that.”
Merlin looks at her and smiles, feeling a little better. He takes the envelope.
“If result is positive, you could contact Dr. Gaius. He is specialist in this subject.”
“Thank you.”
She smiles at him encouragingly and leaves.
Merlin is left, standing alone in the middle of mostly empty corridor. He could open it now. But he is so afraid. What if result will be positive? What if he will be so devastated that he just brakes down here? Besides, Arthur will be home soon. Maybe he even opens it with him...?
So Merlin goes to home, residing an urge to tear it up and throw it to a closest trash can. Maybe he doesn’t want to know what is inside but he has to. If not for him, then for Arthur.
Through whole way home, he both fidgets with opening, itching to know or holds it somewhere beyond his line of sight, feeling nauseous and not bearing to look at it.
When he finally reaches his destination, he’s quite literary shaking with nerves and anticipation.
He sits on a chair beside table and looks at watch. Still a couple of hours to Arthur’s return. He bits his lip. He can’t wait so long. He is so nervous that he can’t image he can focus on doing anything else. And if he will just sit here and watch this fateful piece of paper, he gets mad.
So, with shaking hands, he opens the envelope and looks at the result.
***
Arthur can’t focus on his job at all. He constantly thinks about Merlin and about what he’ll tell him today. Endless possibilities are swirling around his mind, giving him headache. Is Merlin wants to break with him? Is someone hurt him? Is he has problem with one of his clients? Is he sick? Is someone he cares about is sick?
When his assistant asks him the same question forth time without getting any answer, he decides that enough is enough. Realising that he will not get any work done, anyway, he decides it will be better if he’ll end a couple of hours earlier and go straight home. To Merlin.
So he tells his assistant to cancel all what left for him today, saying that he doesn’t feel well. Which is true if you mean his psychological well being. He then leaves quickly and drives home as fast as he can at this time a day.
When he finally reaches home, he opens the door and immediately hears crying, coming from dinner area. Without even taking off his coat, he hurries there, worried out of his mind. What happened? Why Merlin cries? Is he hurt?
He comes to the sight of Merlin curled on a chair, hugging himself tightly. He has face pressed against his knees and he shakes, sobbing.
“Merlin! God, what happened?” He asks, going through distant between them in no time and crouches beside him, touching his arm.
Merlin looks at him, startled. His eyes are red and puffy. He looks at Arthur’s hand leaning against his arm and flinches from it.
“Don’t touch me!”
Arthur takes his hand as if burnt. He feels hurt and frightened. He never seen Merlin so distressed before.
Merlin, seeing that he’d hurt him by his sudden reaction, sobs.
“Oh, Arthur. I’m sorry.” He says, trying to dry his eyes. He holds his hand in his direction as if he wants to touch, but then retreats quickly.
“Merlin, please tell me, what’s going on?” Arthur is pale, frightened as never before.
“I’m- I’m-“ he cuts out. “I’m sorry, Arthur. I’m so sorry.”
“It’s okay, Merlin.” Arthur’s voice shakes with emotions.
“No! It’s not!” Merlin cries. “I may have... You can have...”
“Merlin, just calm down.”
Merlin shakes his head and looks at him completely devastated.
“You may die because of me!”
Arthur falls in shocked silence.
What?
“What?”
Merlin shakes badly.
“I’m so sorry, Arthur. It’s my entire fault. I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”
Saying that Arthur is confused is severe understatement.
“Merlin, you aren’t making any sense.”
Merlin just points out at the table. Arthur looks there and sees opened white envelope and some paper lying beside it. The sheet is crumpled as if someone held on it very tight.
Arthur looks at Merlin warily. He doesn’t look his way.
“What’s it?”
“Just...” his voice is suddenly very small and uncertain. “Just read it. Please.”
So, Arthur hesitantly takes sheet of paper. He tries to straighten it a little and then reads. At the start he does not know what’s he seeing and then realisation washes over him.
He feels mix of different emotions. They make his head spin and for a moment he is overwhelmed by them. He doesn’t moves at first. He tries collecting all the feelings and making any sense of them. When he feels that he can make any coherent thought, he turns around to Merlin.
When he looks at him, his boyfriend hastily looks away, looking guilty and ashamed.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know before Leon told me that I may have it and... “ He takes shaky breath. “And now you can be infected because of me and- “ He sniffles. “And now you could... die... and it’s all my fault...”
Arthur doesn’t say anything for a moment. He watches his boyfriend. He feels huge wave of protectiveness towards him. He was struggling with this all alone for last few days, believing that he can die and his first concern is Arthur’s health.
“Oh, Merlin.” Arthur says, embracing his hunched form. “I’m so sorry.”
“What?”
“You shouldn’t struggle with it by your own. You should tell me sooner.”
“You are not... angry at me? But Arthur, I- !”
“Shush...” Arthur shushes him. “You are not going to die, Merlin. Me too.”
“What? But how do you know it?”
Arthur now soothes his head with his hand.
“There are medications, Merlin. People HIV-positive who are treated lives normally.”
“That’s...” Merlin cuts out. He clutches at Arthur’s sleeves and starts crying again. But this time Arthur can see it’s because of relief not despair.
He gathers him in his arms and stands up, lifting him. He carries him to their bedroom through left ajar door and puts him on the bed. He sits there himself and pulls him over to his arms. Through Merlin’s crying Arthur rocks him lightly like a child and whispers reassuring words. They stay like this for a long time. Finally, Merlin’s cries gets silent and his breaths evens. Arthur smiles warmly, realising that he fell asleep.
Carefully, trying not to wake him, Arthur changes their position for them to lie on the bed. Arthur covers them under a blanket and embraces him. He looks at him for a long time, wondering what he had to get through lately. It makes sense now, why he was looking so miserable. This lovely, silly man. If he just told Arthur, he would be a lot better. Arthur could have told him that he doesn’t have to worry, because everything is going to be fine. Instead he was hiding and struggling with this alone.
And what future holds? If Arthur is really infected, Merlin would for sure blame himself. Even if the blame lies anywhere near him. They always use protection, goddammit.
He lies here thinking for some time and then he starts feel sleepy. He falls asleep with nose buried in Merlin’s hair.
***
Merlin wakes in the evening. He finds himself in a warm embrace of his boyfriend and feels loved. He is so lucky to have him. He remembers what happened before and he still can vividly recall this overwhelming relief when Arthur told him that they will be fine. But now, when emotions subdued, he thinks that it can be just partly true. According to Arthur people with HIV lives normally, but surely there have to be some differences, difficulties.
He could handle this, he thinks, but what if Arthur is infected as well? How he could live with himself if he had some problems because of it? Because of Merlin?
Then Arthur opens his eyes and looks at him, trying to blink away sleep.
“You are over-thinking this.”
Merlin blinks.
“What?”
“It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault that you got infected. It’s not your fault that you possibly infected me. It can’t be by any means your fault.”
“But-“
“No.” Arthur cuts him out. “No ‘buts’. Blame lies anywhere near you. Did this ex of yours know that he has HIV when you were together?” He frowns at this possibility. “Because if he knew, it’s means he knowingly exposed you to virus. We can bring legal repercussions to him for that.”
“No!” Merlin shouts mortified. “He didn’t know!”
“Are you sure? Because if you protect some guy who knowingly hurt you...”
“No, God, Arthur.” Merlin exclaims, taking his hand. “He didn’t know. He is an honest bloke. He couldn’t possibly do it to anyone.”
Arthur looks at him suspiciously.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes. He is a good person. When we were together he was volunteering in dog’s shelter. He once even leapt to a river to rescue a kitten.”
Arthur looks away from him and pouts.
“I’m sure he is wonderful.” He murmurs.
Merlin smiles, amused.
“Arthur Pendragon, are you jealous?”
He snorts.
“Of course not! There is nothing I can be jealous about. I also would rescue kitten from drowning given the chance.”
Merlin chuckles.
“I’m sure you would.”
They fall in comfortable silence. After a moment, Arthur’s face gets stonily again.
“If he is so good person” he says. “Why he didn’t explain to you what does it means to be a person with HIV? Why he let you being afraid and lonely?”
Merlin sighs, feeling sad and a little ashamed at his reaction back then.
“It’s not his fault.” he says, sadly. “He couldn’t do anything. I didn’t let him.” He budges a little, feeling uncomfortable. Now knowing what he does, he feels stupid for his reaction. “I kind of... ran away when he told me...?” He explains, looking at Arthur sheepishly.
Arthur sighs and tugs him closer.
“You were so scared and miserable and you didn’t tell me. Why, Merlin?”
Merlin worries his lip.
“I don’t know. At first it was all so... overwhelming. I didn’t know how to handle this. I think I thought you could react badly. Even... hate me... for infecting you.”
“I could never do that!” Arthur shouts, sounding hurt. “Do you not trust me?”
“Of course I do!” Merlin protests. “But it had nothing to do with trust. I’m just...” he pauses, trying to find the words to explain. “I was so scared. And I thought that the fact that I was... infected... makes me kind of... tainted. That I... don’t deserve you anymore.”
Merlin tries not to show that those thoughts didn’t exactly disappear, but of course he fails. Arthur lays his hand softly on Merlin’s cheek and kisses him softly.
“You are not tainted. Infected or not. There is nothing on this world that would make me love you any less.”
Merlin thinks he could melt from the warmth and love he feels right now. His eyes fill with tears. He buries his face in Arthur’s chest.
“But, Merlin.” Arthur says, sounding serious. “You can’t hide stuffs like this from me. Even if you think those would worry me. Especially then. We are together and it means that your problems are also mine. We are to support each other, not pretend that we are fine when we are not. Do you understand?”
Merlin doesn’t respond at first. Arthur is right. He shouldn’t try to hide something important like that from him. He can’t help but feel that he let him down by doing so. He looks at him.
“I understand. I’m sorry.”
“Good. But quit apologising.” He smiles and kisses him again. “Now we have to figure what we’ll do next. I obviously have to test myself on HIV and you have to make appointment to some doctor.”
Merlin nods.
“Nice nurse in the clinic told me to contact Dr. Gaius. She said he is an expert.”
“So it’s settled. We go tomorrow.”
“But you have work!”
Arthur shrugs.
“I’ll take day off. It isn’t as if I can’t. I own this business after all.” He says smugly.
“Right.” Merlin rolls his eyes.
***
They sit in the corridor, waiting for Dr. Gaius to let them in. It’s familiar situation to only yesterday but it feels entirely different. He isn’t alone anymore. Arthur sits right beside him, holding his hand and giving reassuring smiles when he looks at him. He still is nervous, of course. He doesn’t know what to expect from this visit. How his life is going to change? What being HIV-positive means for him now? And what about Arthur?
Merlin wanted for him to do test as fast as possible, but Arthur wanted for Merlin to talk to doctor first. He does not wants for him to panic unnecessary if he is also infected. Merlin understands it but he still worries about him.
Latest patient comes out from doctor’s office. Arthur squeezes Merlin’s hand and they come to the room. Doctor Gaius is elderly man with piercing green gaze. He tells them to sit. When they do, he’s asking what’s wrong.
“I... um...” Merlin stutters, taking sheet of paper with his result and giving it to him. “I did test yesterday and it came out that I... um... have it...”
“I see.” Dr. Gaius says, taking the result and reading it for a moment. When he finishes, he looks at Merlin, and then at Arthur. “Do you want your friend to stay?”
Merlin nods his head eagerly.
“Yes. He is my boyfriend.”
“I understand.” Gaius says. “So, I imagine, you have some questions?”
“Yes. I... um... don’t exactly know what this means for me?” he says, uncertain.
“So, I start from the basis. HIV is virus weakening human body’s immune system. It attacks CD4 cells which ones are important for organism to fight infections.”
“But I didn’t notice any difference in my health.”
Gaius nods.
“That is to be expected. You see, virus attacks CD4 cells but organism isn’t defenceless either. It notices decrease of them and produces more. When it happens, you are coming in Latency Stage. It can last many years. In this time HIV does not gives any or almost any symptoms.”
“But people die from HIV.”
“Untreated HIV can develop into AIDS. It’s the last stage of HIV infection. Immune system by then is weakened too much and person is prone to many infections. They often end up deadly. But with proper treatment we can prevent it. There is still no cure but antiretroviral therapy prevents virus from multiplying. People properly treated lives as long as HIV-negative ones.”
Merlin feels relief. It’s one thing to hear this from his lawyer boyfriend and quite another to hear it from real doctor.
“How looks this treatment?” Arthur asks.
“Taking drugs every day and regular examination to watch how treatment goes. In the future it should be possible to instead of taking pills, come to drug injection once every one to three months. But this method is still in test phase.
“And what about infecting others?” Merlin asks, glancing at Arthur. “How can I prevent it?”
“There are certain ways of transmitting virus. One of the highest-risk is an anal sex, especially if HIV-positive partner is on top. But people can also be infected by vaginal sex and sharing needles. There is also a possibility to infect one’s child during pregnancy, birth or breastfeeding if they are untreated.”
“But what about if I cut myself by the knife or something?”
“After you wash it there is no possibility of infection.”
“I see.” Merlin says, smiling.
Arthur looks at him strangely.
“It’s why my favourite knife was in the thrash can?”
Merlin looks at him sheepishly.
“Um... yes?”
“Really, Merlin.” Arthur rolls his eyes. “If we’d have to throw out everything you cut yourself with, we’d have to rid off half of our cutlery. Including spoons.”
“Ey! That was one time!”
“Do you have any more question, boys?” Gaius asks, looking amused.
“Yes. Um...” Merlin starts, blushing. “What about now? I mean... We can’t have sex anymore...?
Arthur looks at him frightened.
“Merlin, if getting HIV is a price for shagging you, I can pay it anytime.”
“Oi!” Merlin yells, blushing even more. “I’m serious!”
“So I am.”
“Boys, please.” Gaius says, holding his hand. “There is no reason for you to not... eghm... shagging anymore. I just recommend for you to avoid anal sex until level of virus in your blood is low enough. But if you don’t want it, properly implicated protection can prevent risk of infection. I can even prescribe for you” he points an Arthur. “special treatment for people who are at high risk of getting HIV. It’s called PrEP. It reduces chance of infection to over 90%.”
“But when your level of virus is reduced to undetectable amount, chance of transmitting HIV is unexciting, even without protection.” He adds.
Their eyes widen.
“Really?” Merlin asks.
Dr. Gaius nods.
“Yes. There would be only risk of getting other illnesses transmitted by sexual means. I recommend for you to test on them as well.”
Merlin nods.
“What if... he also has a HIV?”
“The same. Except, during treatment, before level of virus is low enough, you can “mix” each other viruses, what can lead to their mutation. It would cause need to change taken drugs.”
They nods.
“Do you have any more questions?”
They shake their heads.
“Good. I appoint your next visit to next week. Until then you could know if you both have HIV or not. I will prescribe your treatment then, after a couple of more tests. Is that okay?”
“Yes. Thank you, Dr. Gaius.” Merlin says. They bit their goodbye and leave the office.
“Wasn’t that bad, was it? Arthur asks when they go to their car.
“No. It wasn’t.” Merlin smiles. He feels as if huge boulder was lifted from his chest. He can breathe again. “But you making test first think tomorrow.”
“’course.” He says, smiling. He throws arm around his waist. “But now we go home and watch more episodes of ‘Damien’.”
“This show isn’t very great.”
“But Damien is still hot.”
“You are a dork.” Merlin says, laughing.
***
Day later, they are sitting beside table, white envelope in front of them.
Arthur can say that Merlin is very nervous. He looks at piece of paper as if it offended him greatly. Arthur also is a little nervous. It should mean to him what is his result. If he has HIV or not. But it doesn’t, not really. He even kind of hopes he has it. He couldn’t of course tell this Merlin. He would be angry at him. But if Arthur is honest with himself, perspective of them both having HIV and sharing treatment isn’t as terrible as it probably could. It could be another thing connecting them. He would better understand Merlin’s situation. Better understand Merlin.
But he knows it selfish. If he has HIV, it would mean that Merlin will forever blame himself for it. No matter how ridiculous it is. He is just the type who feels responsible for anyone he cares about. This can be really annoying but for Arthur it’s another reason why he loves this silly man.
“Just to be clear” Arthur tries, taking envelope. “if I am infected, it is not your fault.”
Merlin nods but doesn’t look convinced.
“It’s just like flu. If you infect me by it you surely don’t blame yourself, right?”
“But I do.” He murmurs. Of course he does. “Besides, flu doesn’t last a whole lifetime.”
“Merlin, look at me.”
Merlin does.
“It. Is. Not. Your. Fault.”
Merlin purses his lips.
“Can’t you just open this damn envelope?”
Arthur sighs. He tried.
He opens it and reads the context.
“And?” Merlin asks nervously.
Arthur doesn’t answer immediately.
“Negative.” He says finally.
“Yes!” Merlin jumps from his chair and hugs Arthur tightly. Arthur returns the hug, letting sheet of paper hit the floor.
He is slightly disappointment but also relived. Merlin really doesn’t need heavy conscience alongside his new diagnose.
“Now, when everything is settled, what do you want to do?”
Merlin smiles, leaning away.
“Now I’m starving. Can we order pizza?”
Arthur laughs.
“Yes. We need to fill up those stick limbs of yours.”
Merlin scowls.
“So, maybe you let me have all slices.” He smirks. “After all, you have to be careful about your weight.
“I’m not fat!”
“No, only a little rounded.”
Arthur scowls.
“You are infuriating, do you know that?”
“I’m positive.” He laughs.
Arthur growls.
The end.