Work Text:
That annoying, that irritatingly sing-songy drawn out voice echoes through the phone. You’re gonna need a fucking pain killer to survive his bullshit, you swear. You’re getting sick and fucking tired of his bullshit and you’re only a year into what you call servitude and he calls “punishment.”
Maybe he’s on the nose a little bit because hearing this shit might as well be fucking torture, you’re very much done with this. “Kaaaaaarkaaaaaat heeeeeey!”
You pull the phone you didn’t realize you were holding away from your head back up to press closer to your ear. “God dammit, what? What the fuck do you want!? I was a little bit fucking busy doing something before you interrupted my peace and fucking quiet with your inane drivel.”
“Is that any way t’greet your boss, hon? I think you could do with bein’ just a touch nicer. Go on chickadee, you can do it.” You can practically hear him flipping his hair, actually, you can hear him brushing it loudly.
“Do you have me on fucking speakerphone right now?” You listen to the sound of knots being ripped out, followed by a soft string of curses. There’s a voice that speaks in another language and they go on like that, talking in quick bursts of some foreign language that you’ve never heard before. The other man’s voice is deep, almost booming loud too. He sounds awfully pissed and then suddenly soft, then completely irritated again.
“Sorry about that, yeah. I do. My roommate is forcing me to deal with my locks, y’know how it is, dontcha, Karkat? Ya got that big head of curls. I’m sure they knot just as bad as an octopus in a shaker machine.” He laughs at his own metaphor and then pauses for a moment, taking a breath before he continues to speak. “So how’s it hanging?”
You look across the room, staring into the middle-distance, “Just fine, thanks.”
“ Is that so? ” He laughs softly, “My little birdie tells me that ya still workin’ at that damn coffee shop. Can’t say I blame ya though, it’s a lit place. It’s got some damn fine coffee, best brew I ever did have while I was settled here, an’ I been here for quite some time.”
You snort, “Ohmygod, you say ‘lit’? Seriously?”
“I say words, dude. I also talk like the fuckin’ rest of y’all. Back it the fuck up and shove it where the sun don’t shine.” You hear him set what you presume is a brush down on a sink, “Now, report to me how everything went. I hear you did two arrows this month. One of ‘em was a steak-out mission, right? How’d it go? I’m braiding my hair so y’know, take ya time. I ain’t in no rush if you ain’t an’ at this hour? Ya defs can’t be in no kinda hurry.”
You pause to gather your thoughts, ignoring his blatant callout of your sleeping habits. “Well... I guess it went alright, if you ignore the fact that I nearly got fucking arrested for hanging out on private property. I swear to fuck, so many of your damn clients live on private property. What is it with spoiled fucking rotten rich people living on these big private groves up in the hills?”
“Illy is hilly, as they say.”
You’re taken aback, “Literally nobody says that! Ever! I think if I ever heard someone say that, I would explode right on fucking contact from the amount of sheer stupidity in the room.”
Cupid laughs, “Well they should cuz it is. I been here for hundreds of years, honey pie. It don’t look too different. The technology is nice, I guess. Can’t complain, makes the whole Cupid-thing a helluva lot easier. Everyone’s got their location on with their phones and shit. Pathetic little mortal fools. Don’t they know that makes them such easy targets for people like me?”
You roll your damn eyes so hard that they almost roll right out of your skull and head toward the lake. “Keep talking like that and someone might get the idea that you hate humans or something, that’d make you as much of a dick as the rest of the gods.”
He audibly deflates, “Aww, come’on now, Karkat. Don’t be so mean, some of us are real good, I swear. Like Suadela, she’s the patron goddess of romance and all of the steamy stuff. And my mom, Venus, she’s real sweet, I think you know her. Well obviously you don’t personally know her, but you know of her. Can’t say much in favor of my dad though, he was actually an asshole so if you hate him, like, hey, me the fuck too. So I dunno, get in line, I guess.”
You can feel a ramble coming on and you’re not about to sit through him listing off “the good gods” just so he can inflate their ego a little more. “ANYWAY, CUPID! CAN YOU PAY ATTENTION FOR FUCKING ONCE!?” You bark and hear him leap.
“TERRA!!! OKAY, I GET IT, FUCK!” He picks up the brush, “If ya wanted me to stop yappin’, just say so. Damn, Karkat. No need to get so fuckin’ feisty with me!”
“Just let me talk so I can go back to my nap! You woke me up so uh, yeah, I’m pretty fucking pissed at you, you fucking arrow-wielding shithead!”
“Aww, if ya love me, just say so.” He giggles, “But anyway, I won’t take up too much more of your time, do go on. Please.”
“So anyway!” You pause and huff in frustration, “It went fine, they almost called the fucking cops before I shot the first guy and he was so fucking scared that he ran toward the other one. But I will admit, it’s nice that you work with gay couples.”
He scoffs, as though you’ve told an awful joke that you don’t quite know the punchline to. “Pfft, honey. Gender? Bull-fuckin’-shit. Who fucking cares what’s in your pants, love is love, am I right?”
“You’re right, I guess. I just figured I’d inflate your ego for you since you’re always--”
“Hey,” he stops you.
“Um, hey?”
“Happy Valentine’s Day,” he half-whispers.
“Oh shit, that’s today, isn’t it?” You were gonna get Dave something nice for it. Nothing too big, of course. Since you’re just friends, after all. Probably.
“It is. Go get that boy some chocolates. In fact, check your mail in the morning, you’ll get something from me. Go celebrate the holiday, Karkat.” Cupid sighs, “You humans deserve a day dedicated to loving yourselves, after all.”
“Happy Valentine’s Day, Cupid. I hope… that you have someone special today.” You almost didn’t say that, but you felt like he might need it, for some reason.
He audibly grins and you can hear him getting excited, “I do, in fact. The roommate and me are going out for Chinese!! He wants me to brush my damn hair out though, as irritating as that is. But I kinda get it, I wouldn’t wanna take a damn shut-in like me out either if they looked like their hair was a nest for a million rats and at least one hundred birds. Unfortunately, I gotta catch a few bits of work early in the day, and later in the night too, since it’s the busiest day of the year for me. But don’t worry, I didn’t give you anything that needs to be done today. You just go enjoy your day off.”
“Are you and this roommate…?”
He laughs, sounding absolutely baffled by your accusation. “Me and Apollo?! Nah. We’re just homies. Rent’s cheaper like this, ya know? Plus it looks better to the humans if they don’t exactly see some filthy rich single guy living on his own. My mom would be real mad if I spent all of my allowance on records again like I did last year. Since, like, Apollo was out, nobody was here to stop my hellish hands. But he’s here this year so we’re doing something together for a change.” He pauses again, “Go hang out with Dave, I know you want to.”
You flush, pointedly ignoring the fluttering in your stomach. “Shut up already. God dammit!! Go do whatever you do when you’re not bothering me!”
He gets in a few more words, “And stop napping this late, Karkat! It’s 3am! Shit’s bad for you, baby!! Peace!!” Then he hands up the phone with a loud click.
You guess you’ll have to make a stop for Dave’s favorite chocolates before you head out to see him. And check the mail, you’re sure Cupid sent you another work letter. But as morning creeps up and the mail has been dropped off, you remember that Cupid wanted you to check the mail. As you do so, you take the package, which is shockingly big, to your car, where you swiftly open it up to see what’s inside.
It’s a letter, a massive box of Dave’s favorite chocolates, and a few smaller boxes of your own favorite kind. There’s also a thick wad of one hundred dollar bills there too. Your eyes bulge out of your head and you tuck it into your wallet. You wonder what the fuck he was thinking, sending money like that, unguarded. You suppose he had someone drop it off because any mail thief would’ve stolen it right away. Opening the letter, you read it slowly.
Have a great day, sweetpea. Use this money to take Dave to a nice dinner, the boy deserves it. And so do you, you wonderful little worker bee. Use the leftovers for whatever it is you like, go buy some new sweaters or something, since I know you like them so much. Happy Valentine’s Day.
<3 Cupid