Work Text:
From the radio transmissions they knew right away something had gone very, very wrong. But security protocols meant it took a few hours for the specifics to filter back to them on base. Maria spent that time pretending to work on an engine repair. But really she just stared at her aircraft's gas line and imagined all of the possible scenarios - Carol hurt, Carol maimed, Carol dead.
The one she didn't consider was that Carol was just gone. No body, not even a shard of bone left behind.
Maria doesn't make a sound when she hears the news, standing in a crowd of pilots in the hangar. A few people swivel to look at her when Captain Kelly says the words "Presumed dead." Some of the looks are sympathetic. But more than one person has a snide smirk lurking at the corners of their mouth, assuming her reaction will be the proof they've been hunting after for years with their sly remarks and insinuations.
Maria's heart breaks. She feels physical pain, a quick tear in her chest followed by a searing flash across her skin, like a full body burn. She feels dizzy and has to close her eyes for a second, lost in a vision of Carol consumed in flame. A piece of her soul disappears into a hole as wide as the sky.
But she says nothing, just opens her eyes, blinks away tears and nods when the Captain dismisses them. Some squad members approach with sincere condolences. Rumours aside, everyone knows Maria and Carol were best friends.
Captain Kelly approaches, and gently suggests Maria could be granted a few weeks of leave. No one on base knows, but Kelly has a best friend too, a best friend she shares a home and a dog and a bed with.
Maria doesn't know why Kelly is being kind but she needs out of there immediately, so she nods and heads to the locker room without talking to anyone else. She grabs her bag and jacket, then opens Carol's locker and takes her jacket too. It still smells like her, still has a half eaten pack of Carol's favorite cinnamon gum in the pocket.
It's getting harder to keep the tears at bay now, and Maria storms toward the parking lot, not stopping for anyone.
Maria drives off base but only manages to get a half mile away before she has to pull off the road, tears obscuring her vision. She puts the car into park, and heaving sobs wrack her body. Its 20 minutes before she can calm the shaking. She opens the car door and climbs out on weak legs, gulps air, and stares up the clear blue. The sun is hot on her skin and bright in the sky. She closes her eyes against the glare and sees flares. In each burst there's an echo of Carol's last smile - cocky, eager to fly.
“Higher, further, faster, baby.” Maria says to the empty air.
Someone takes off from base and streaks overhead, probably heading toward the crash site for recon. Maria watches until the contrails fade.
Maybe Carol ejected and they'll find her miles away, alive. Maybe they'll find her miles away, dead. Maybe Carol was captured. Maybe Carol is lost and confused. Maybe anything but this.
Maria sinks down against the car until shes sitting in the dirt. Her head is pounding, hot tears run down her face. She has four hours before she has to pick up Monica. And it will take her at least that long to figure out what she's going to say to her.
Monica comes running out of the sitter's house before Maria has even stopped the car. At the sight of her daughter's smile, Maria automatically smiles back. She gets out of the driver's seat and Monica streaks toward her and lunges into a tight hug.
The sitter bustles out of the house behind Monica, admonishing her.
“Monica, you cant go running out like...”
“But Miss Patty, we're going for ice cream!” Monica interrupts. She pulls away from her mother and bounces on the balls of her feet. “Right Mama? Auntie Carol promised!”
Monica runs over to look into the car, sees Carol's jacket on the seat and frowns. “Mama…?”
She looks up at Maria's face and doesn't choose finish the sentence.
Monica shakes her head and repeats “We’re going for ice cream.”
She opens the car door and climbs into the front seat. She pulls Carol's jacket on top of like a blanket. Maria just watches, not able to say a word.
“Everything ok?” Patty asks, laying a gentle hand on Maria's arm.
“No.” Maria manages to get out.
Patty glances down at Monica in the car. Monica is staring resolutely ahead, not interested in meeting her mother's eyes again.
“I...I’m so...um.” Patty isn't sure what to say.
She never knows what to think about Maria and Carol. But it cant be denied that both Maria and Monica light up with Carol around. And for all her sarcasm and swagger, Carol has been nothing but kind to Patty, helping with house chores that were just a little too taxing as she got older. Last week she had noticed a stuck window when picking up Monica and stayed to fix it right then and there. “You take such good care of Monica.” Carol had shrugged. “Really helps us... I mean, helps Maria to know she can trust Monica is safe while she flies.”
There have been accidents down at base before. Planes bashed, pilots banged up and burned. Patty has seen them during her volunteer hours down at the hospital, wrapped up like mummies. But the look in Maria's eyes doesn't look like bandages. It looks like blank.
In the end, Patty stammers out, “Call if you need anything.”
There's no good place to have this conversation. So Maria drives to the Dairy Queen a town over and gets Monica her favorite, cherry dip. She sits Monica on the trunk of the car in the parking lot and tells her, while melting ice cream runs over her fingers.
“Auntie Carol’s plane crashed..”
“No.” Monica is quiet but firm.
“Monica…”
“NO.” Monica isnt quiet this time. She throws her ice cream cone and it plops into a puddle a few feet away.
“Baby, I’m sorry but…” Maria has to stop for a deep breath. “Her plane crashed. And she's gone.”
Monica’s lower lip quivers and she starts to whimper.
“...but, Mama. Where did she go?”
Maria can't hold her tears back. “I don't know.”
She brings Monica in close, not caring that her sticky fingers are smearing ice cream all over both of them now. She kisses the top of her daughter's head.
Monica tucks herself against her mother's neck. “Can she come back from there?”
“I…” Maria fights it, but her words come out on a sob. “I dont know.”
Monica's small body shakes with soundless tears. Then she catches her breath and the next exhale comes out a long, wild wail.
The sun sets behind the Dairy Queen, and Maria holds Monica while the sky goes dark. Monica has gone silent and Maria figures she’s cried herself to sleep.
But then Monica speaks, her voice shaky but clear.
“Can I hope she'll come back?”
Maria looks up, stalling for the right answer. But she has no answers for Monica, or for herself. At least they can have this.
“Sure, baby.”
Monica wipes her eyes on her mother's shirt and sits up, speaks with more conviction this time. “I'm gonna hope.”
Maria cant help but smile. Monica’s dogged persistence is so Carol.
She holds Monica close until she really is asleep, then carries her to the back seat of the car and lays her down, tucking her under Carol's jacket. She wipes her eyes one more time and gets behind the wheel of the car.
To herself, and to the night sky, she whispers, “I’m gonna hope too.”