Chapter Text
I.
Dolls never sleep. As far as Tei could remember, from the moment he came together to form a doll, he never slept. Even in the display case, even in that box, there was not a moment when his eyes closed, when he rested, when his thoughts stopped. His first few hours as a human were spent sleeping and the utter quiet that prevailed was so shocking that he bolted awake. He was up first and the others followed shortly after. Blinking was not a sensation he was used to, but the image of her, Eri, filled his vision and he wished his eyelids didn’t get in the way of his looking at her. He remembered daring to look at her through the lashes of his half lidded eyes from his vantage point on the green couch, but they had never closed before. Voluntary movement was also fairly new. None of his movements felt unnatural, but he had only imagined what it would be like to stretch and flex and just move. He had never actually been able to do so, nor had he exactly wanted to. He looked down at his hands and turned them over. No resin. His new bone joints were covered with flesh.
"Master. I can touch her…" a voice whispered. That was certainly not his voice, it wasn’t a thought he dared to have. He hadn’t even opened his mouth. It was Yeonho, the young blond one. He was thankfully stopped by Lance, who scolded him quietly.
"Let’s get out of here. We don’t want to wake her," Tei said. Yes, this sounded like his voice. He was truly intersted in her getting enough rest, but he also wanted nothing more than to be away from her. Eri’s presence, even in sleep, was too overwhelming for him. He held open the door and the others filed out one by one, Yuri last. Tei closed the door with care, making sure not to be too noisy. As the others headed down the hall, he just had to see. Perhaps, maybe…
He lifted his pant leg over his knee. It was still there, manifesting as a human scar. He felt the pain as though he had actually received the injury at that very moment. He stood straight and closed his eyes.
"Tei?" Yuri said as he looked over his shoulder. Tei met eyes with him and though the agony stabbed at his ribcage, he did not let it show on his face. He smiled placidly.
"Are you hungry? I think I can make something for all of us," he said. "And her as well. I have a feeling she’ll be awake soon."
The four were a bit rowdy. Yeonho less so, but Lance and Red argued, Yuri was searching for beauty products and whining. All the while, Tei’s heart pounded loudly in his ears. This sound did nothing to stop the feelings that overwhelmed every physical sensation he had. He could touch her. He could be with her every day.
He had no right. There was no way she could ever love him, nor could he make her happy. Not when he was like this. What was the use of this body if he couldn’t be with her?
So he focused on the moment to quiet his thoughts. Clean living room. Give Yeonho odd jobs to keep him busy. Pot. Fridge. Rice. Spoon. Apron. He almost hesitated as he reached for it. It was her apron. She had worn it. And he would ruin it just by touching it. He could ruin her just by feeding her. Food was all he could give at the moment. He had an older brother concept, he could not fully go against it. She would know that she was eating food from tainted hands. She could condemn him when she woke up. Until then, he slaved away. He could pretend that she would accept him and his feeble attempts at making her happy.
He heard Eri’s footsteps before the others mostly because he’d been waiting for them. He calmly chided them knowing she would see them for the first time. Would she scream? Would she call the police? What would she do? Tei didn’t turn around at first, only acknowledged her presence. Though he hid it by working, he was near vomiting he was so nervous. He was not worthy to look her in the eye, but he turned so that she was in his peripheral vision.
She sat down. Too calm, he thought. She sat down with them and pinched her cheeks. He hurried over with some food.
"That’s enough self mutilation for one morning," he said, hoping the fear he felt didn’t seep into his tone. No way he was going to let her hurt herself, no matter how slight the pain. He placed the food in front of her, ready for the berating to begin. Instead, she smiled and thanked him. His heart stopped.
That is not for me, he thought. That is for the food. This is the way I can keep her happy.
"I hope you don’t mind. I cleaned the house a bit," he added. Her face lit up even more. He sighed internally and could safely say his smile was now genuine. She was not upset. He had found another way to make her happy. Being human at least offered him the honor of being tolerated since he could never be clean enough to be loved.
She’s a kind owner, allowing me to help her despite my dirtiness, he thought.
His heart beat quickened seeing her eat the food he had made. The way she hugged her bowl of soup closer, the way her eyes lit up, the way she looked at him with such gratitude and interest, the way her lips spread into a smile, all of it seemed so much more real with human eyes and made a warm ache spead across his chest, only made stronger with each beat. Even as presided over the table, he could not stop it. He knew this feeling he had for her all too well. Tei saw it reflected in the faces of all the boys that stole glances at her at the table. She seemed to be unaware of it.
So innocent, so pure, he thought. His heart felt like it was tangled in wires. If only it actually was, then he could die and never have to live with this pain. He had made her happy now but he didn’t think he could deal with this pain for too long. Tei urged her to get ready for school and he made his plans. She would leave, he would clean the apartment thoroughly from top to bottom. He would make her a lavish meal that night and make sure she was comfortable when she went to sleep. Then he would find a quiet way to kill himself.
As Tei started the laundry he wondered how. He could jump in front of a bus. He was already damaged, what was a few more crushed bones. But what if he some how got traced back to her? That would be too much trouble. Was there a river near by for him to throw himself into? She had never mentioned one. Overdosing on pills? Maybe, but he’d have to apologize for using her things to end his life. Perhaps, he could take the doll version of himself and smash its head? No, that wasn’t fair to her. The doll version of himself was her property. Plus, he was limited edition, there was no replacement head so she could recover the loss. Besides, on the off chance that she could put him back together…would he come back to life? He could not live through that. He’d be even more dirty than he was before for trying to kill himself and failing and no telling how many cracks he would have or what state he would return in. Obviously there had to be a bit more brainstorming. Since an immediate and clean way to die was not coming as quickly as he hoped, he’d have to spend a bit more time taking care of her so at least she’d remember him fondly. He could be a helpful doll since it was impossible for him to be a clean or good one.
Eri came out ready for school and they all gathered to see her off. Yeonho was quite bold, and kissed her good bye. If Tei’s eyes hadn’t already been green…though he still smiled whistfully at the scene. If he was a good doll like Yeonho, he woudln’t be standing so far back like he was. There was no way he could kiss her. It just couldn’t happen. He didn’t want to chance her cutting him off forever. All he could do was see her off. Then he could clean the house and make his plans.
Unfortunately a wrench was thrown into that. Eri’s neighbor was the principal of her school and he caught sight of them. Somehow they were roped into enrolling into high school. Tei’s mask of calm was so straining on him, he thought it would crack. With every stroke of the pencil as he filled out the enrollment form, he thought he was just going to scream and jab it into his eye and pray he hit something vital. He knew she was watching, though. He didn’t want to scare her by doing something like that and draw undue attention to her because one of her friends was suicidal. Now killing himself was out of the question, as there was a paper trail connected to him. They’d ask her where he was and maybe their cover would be blown. As he saw this morning, she was horrible at telling lies, unlike him. He’d have to use his dirtiness to help her from now on.
As they came to the last part, the consent forms, he was relieved. If they had no legal guardian, they could not enroll. They were given f four days to resolve this. He had four days to make sure she was set up well and figure out how to die without causing her any trouble. Eri seemed sad that they could not go to school together but he could barely contain his euphoria, it made him light headed. The next four days were bliss. He was able to start his day off with feeding her and seeing her satisfied smile. Though he appeared to be much more interested in pulling strings as Red and Yeonho’s ”commander” he was painfully aware of her. Every mouthful, sip, smile, twitch, glare, breath and word. He noticed it all. Those moments soothed him into maddness. He’d be calm just thinking about her and then remember what he was and how she was just as far away from him as if he were still trapped in that resin prison.
It will be over soon, he told himself.
He cleaned her house, kept the boys in line, read a few books. Yuri was often gone most of the night, allowing Tei time to write his final words. He told her how much he loved her, that he wished that he could be clean enough for her, how he wished she was his only owner. He stressed how much he loved her. He knew they all loved her, but he really wanted her to know he wasn’t doing this for any other reason than that he wasn’t worthy of being around her. He couldn’t add what else he had been thinking. That perhaps…perhaps if they were on the same level…No, he couldn’t risk dirtying her by association with him.
It was the final day. Tei hadn’t exactly figured out how he was going to die, but he was happy to give her breakfast and was prepared to head out around noon and get ideas by walking around. His final hours in her presence were simply bliss. After she left for school, he made dinner and packed it so it could be reheated when Eri got home. He knew none of the boys would cook for her and with the confusion over his disappearence, she wouldn’t have the energy to cook. He cleaned up a little more, did some laundry, made sure her bed was made and his room was clean. When he opened the desk drawer that held his letter to Eri, he found it gone. In its place was a piece of paper that said, “I won’t let you.” He knew Eri’s hand writing too well, it wasn’t her.
He sighed and decided to rewrite the letter. It was disappointing to him, he had poured so much of his heart into the last letter. As he began to write, Yuri walked in sporting a dark suit and sunglasses. Tei glared at him but didn’t stop writing.
"Ah, it’s the pensive, bookworm older brother," Yuri said as he leaned on the desk. Tei looked up at him.
"What do you want?" Tei asked, unable to keep his mask of pleasantness. Yuri snatched the paper from under his pen.
"I see you didn’t get my last message. I won’t let you do whatever stupid thing you’re thinking of doing," he said.
"Stay out of my personal items," Tei said, rage lacing his words.
"I was looking for stationary and I found it," he said. "Hide your things better."
"How was I supposed to know you actually could read and write?" Tei said. Yuri narrowed his eyes and took off his sunglasses. He pointed them at him menacingly.
"Listen and listen good. I don’t know what’s going on in that messed up head of yours, but there is no way you can die and not hurt her. She’ll think she did something wrong and never forgive herself. I don’t trust you to just take my word for it, so you’re going to have to come with me," he said.
"What makes you think I’m just going to go where ever you tell me?" Tei said.
Yuri stood up straight and crossed his arms. Tei didn’t like his smug smile.
"Yeonho! Get Lance and Red, I have a surprise for everyone!" he cried. Tei’s eyes widened, but he managed to get his expression of tranquility on before everyone arrived.
"This had better be good," Lance said and crossed his arms.
"We’re going on a little field trip!" Yuri said.
Yeonho’s eyes widened and sparkled, “Wow! Really, where?”
Yuri put his sunglasses back on, “Just follow me!”
Now everyone was involved and Tei had to go along. They got into a cab and they entered a clothing store. When Tei saw the uniform for Eri’s school in the window he couldn’t even begin to describe the tangle of emotions that filled him. He responded to Yeonho and Red’s excitement with one word answers. When he was in the dressing room, he felt like he was on another planet. He was dressing himself in a different outfit for one thing. That was new. When he saw himself in the uniform, similar in some respects to what Eri wore every day he felt almost sick. He placed his palm against the wall beside the mirror to steady himself. He wanted to look away, but he forced himself to take it all in. He knew what this all meant. In fact, he had known that the simple solution to their problems was for Yuri to be their guardian. Yuri must have been preparing for this all along. He couldn’t stand that he had so much in common with that man.
He covered his mouth to stifle the sobs but the tears escaped. If the others hadn’t been so close by, he probably would have curled up on the floor and started bawling. Thankfully the episode was rather short and everyone was too excited to be going to school with Eri to pay attention to him. Except Yuri. Tei knew Yuri was watching him the whole time on their way out of the store and on the way to school. Even as Tei hen pecked the other boys to keep them from squabbling too much, he knew Yuri was watching him. As they were about to enter the school, Yuri slowed so he was in step with him and grabbed his shoulder.
"Look, I don’t know what’s going on with you. But I don’t want to see you do anything that will make her cry, understand? We’re precious to her, like her family," Yuri said.
Tei took a deep breath. Like family. She said that even when they were dolls.
"You’re just using her to manipulate me," he said bitterly.
"Only so she’ll be happy. I read your note. I know what you want to do. But there is no way you can die that won’t cause her trouble. Even if no one ever knows you died or finds you, she’ll always feel the pain of your loss. She’s been alone for so long, I don’t know how she’ll feel to have her new family rocked by death so quickly after she got it," Yuri said.
Tei sighed and turned away, ”I’ve got to get to class.”
"That’s the spirit," Yuri said.
Right then, he was slightly resentful toward Yuri, but he could find merit in his words. While it was true that he’d be free of agony, no one would cook or clean for Eri as well as he could. He doubted that any of them had the coping skills to help her though another loss. Maybe Lance, but he had no concept, Tei wasn’t sure what he would do for Eri in his absence.
They finalized their enrollment. It was settled. He was going to have to live now, even if he changed his mind later. He might have thought of ways around it and he started to think about his options, but Eri ran out of class to meet them. Though she was worried and surprised, she seemed so happy. Her face, the way she smiled when her eyes fell on him. He knew that expression.
"I feel better just by looking at you!"
How could he deny her that simple pleasure? His clean and pure owner. She did not need the shadow of grief to mar her heart, even if she was crying for someone unworthy. It struck him that he had never considered other factors: would she hurt herself during the grieving process? Would his death be the cause of her becoming dirty? Though the lure of sweet release was quite tempting, he decided that for the sake of his owner, he wouldn’t risk it.
For now.