Work Text:
He’s allowed to be jealous.
And he knows. He knows . He tries to tell himself it’s a general sort of jealousy. That they’re going out together and he’d like to be apart, but he can’t, and that’s all there is to the queasy feeling in his stomach.
Martin grits his teeth turning back to his mountains of paperwork. It’s a trap, the jealousy. Peter had been the one that told him. Peter tries to keep him cut off, so telling him about this just serves to make Martin even lonelier.
God he wants to smash something.
Because it’s working.
He’s aching with it. Loneliness, bitterness, jealousy.
How many times did he hope they could go for a casual after work drink. With the old team. With Sasha and Tim. And Jon.
But Tim would have a date, and Sasha always out with her boyfriend, and Jon… well. He never even tried to ask Jon hoping that maybe Tim or Sasha would give it a go. He has this picture of the four of them. That it was a happier time, and it was, or at least a lot less fear, but they had never been more than co-workers, no matter how much he’d like to tell himself different.
He shivers, remembering Sasha and realizing that once again he’s remembering someone else. The Not!Sasha. The face he mourns and remembers wasn’t real.
He wonders what she was like. And what her excuse to him was.
And yeah, it’s not a general jealousy. It’s not. He knows that. Shouldn’t lie to himself. It’s about Jon, it’s always about Jon. Martin did it to himself, he knows, but it hurts. Others-- Daisy of all people--not only taking care of him… but doing a better job of it. Getting Jon to laugh.
Peter probably hadn’t expected Martin to steal the tape. Martin knew it would be there, carefully labeled with Jon’s precise handwriting. He fast-forwards what he’s sure will be a terrible story where everyone dies or is miserable. He listens to Jon’s startled laugh. He listens to Jon’s voice. He almost breaks the tape recorder at the quiet admittance that… Jon went in the Coffin thinking...
He needs to do more. He needs to be there. But he can’t. This was being there, even if Jon couldn’t see it. Martin is protecting him. He’s the only one that is. Basira, Melanie, Daisy . They’re all useless. Jon went in the coffin and no one stopped him!
Of course now it turns out the way Martin is protecting him is hurting him. He knew that. He knew Jon was lonely. He knew Jon blames himself… but he didn’t think Tim’s bitterness and Melanie’s anger, Barisa’s suspicion, and Martin’s absence had gotten to him so completely. Jon is strong. He never seemed to care what others thought of him before.
But you don’t really know him, do you? Martin reminded himself. Not in the way you would like.
But Jon’s his.
The thought startles him. He looks down at this notes, his pencil is broken from the pressure he is putting on the lead. He takes a deep breath.
“I love him,” He tells himself softly. So quiet not even the spiders in the corner would hear him. “I’m going to protect him, even if he doesn’t think he needs me. Even if he forgets me. Maybe that’s better.” He only in retrospect notices the recorder is on. This one he does break.
But he is allowed to be jealous. Giving up so much. Giving up Jon. He’s allowed to be jealous of them for having him.