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Carefully he climbs, making sure to skip the third and seventh steps, because they creak, and if Mrs. Moran heard you trying to sneak in late at night, wouldn’t that old harpy just give you what for, as he steps off onto the landing of the second floor.
He just returned from his date. The girl was nice and beautiful, blond hair and blue eyes. They had a drink at the pub around the corner and talked about the schools they had visited. Bucky told her of the pranks they did as kids to the old Mr. Harper. One time they put alcohol in his coffee mug he always sat down on his table. With each sip he slurred the words more and more and at the end of the lesson the pupil couldn't say anymore what number he meant. Also, he drew a flower on the chalkboard instead of the mathematical formula he intended to write down.
The girl giggled, but it didn't felt right. Bucky wasn't sure why he expected a full body laugh that sometimes turned into a caugh. The beer wasn't that strong, but still he saw for a few moments Steve sitting beside him. And then it was Steve who took a sip of his beer and it was Steve whose eyes went wide because he wasn't used to any alcohol. It was Steve who asked how long he lived in Brooklyn. (He knew everything about him, why would he ask something like that?) And it was Steve whom he told about the boy who always got in trouble and Bucky had to rescue. (Why do I tell you this? You know I'm talking about you, Stevie.)
Suddenly, he felt incredible tired and when they had finished their drinks, he brought the damsel back to their house. He was a gentleman after all. Although, a gentleman would have listened to her stories, and he wouldn't have imagined his best friend sitting beside him.
A gentleman wouldn't feel relief because he finally could go home.
But he was so sure that Steve was still awake, and he would greet him with a tired smile. And Bucky didn't want anything more at this moment than to crawl to him on their shared mattress (because they don't have enough money to buy two beds, because it's easier this way for Bucky to notice when Steve had a cough and he needed to rub his back until it got better, because... because Bucky can't fall asleep anymore without the small body in his arms) under the covers and bury his nose in his short blond hair and simple breath in this typical scent of 'Stevie' and 'home'.
Bucky felt sick when realisation dawned upon him.
He was in love.
He wasn't even falling for Steve anymore, no.
He'd had hit the ground so hard everything still shook from the impact.
He stopped in the middle of the alley he walked through and just let the cruel reality take the last breath from him.
Life wasn't fair.
It wasn't fair that his feelings were wrong, looked down upon from the rest of humanity.
And it wasn't fair that it was Stevie who'd have to suffer, too, if his feelings ever were to be noticed.
It wasn't fair his love was never to be reciprocated.
Steve loved him, of course he did, he was his best friend. He was like a brother to him. But eventually he'd find a nice girl who saw the big heart and the unbreakable will, and they'd start a family. And Bucky? He'd still look at Steve and see the other half of his soul, his heart.
He let out a broken cry and hit the wall with brutal force again and again, until the tears in his eyes wouldn't dare to fall down. Until he was calm enough to feel the pain in his knuckles and see the blood running down from them in the pale light from the street lamps down the alley.
He turned and went to their apartment. Determined to never ever let Steve see his love. The idiot would be dumb enough to stay at his side and to never go for any girl, just to protect his feelings.
A small, broken laugh escaped Bucky - it was laughing or crying at this moment, and he didn't want to return with swollen eyes.
He was lucky that it had rained all day and he could clean his shaky hands in a bucket filled with water standing next to a door. At least there wouldn't be fresh blood to be seen.
*
Bucky opens the door and immediately knows that something isn't right.
The mattress is empty.
He looks around, anxiously - what if something had happened to Stevie while he was away on a date? - he nearly panickes, until he sees Steve sitting at the window, wrapped in their blankets. His body has sunk down, his chin rests on his chest which is rising and falling steadily. Next to him on the floor lies a pencil and the note book Bucky gave him. A soft snoring escapes the sleeping young man and brings a fond smile to Bucky's mouth. Now that he knows what he feels for Stevie he can't remember what it was like to be just a friend. His heart is aching for him.
Quietly he steps out of his shoes and approaches Steve. He puts his arms around him and the blankets and carries his packet carefully back to the matress. 'He's so thin. I have to make sure he eats more. Maybe I can get a few more hours at the dock to buy better food.'
Steve doesn't wake up until Bucky nestles beside him. He sleepily smiles at him. "You're back."
"Yes, Stevie. I'm back."
And just because he can't handle all this love inside him anymore he changes back to his former normal self.
"And you were sleeping at the window. Again. And now I'm gonna wake up in the middle of the night because of your coughing."
"Sorry", says Steve and doesn't look even a little bit sorry.
"Punk."
"Jer-", a coughing fit interrupts him and Bucky promptly regrets his words. It's not Steve's fault to be born with a weak condition. He rubs Steve's back and mumbles "Shh. It's okay, Stevie. Don't forget to breath in. And out. I'm here for you. I got you. I'll always be there for you.", until the coughing changes to a rattling breath.
Steve falls asleep after that, but Bucky can't stop watching the figure in his arms. Moon light shines on the boy and his heart is weeping at the sight. Because he can't have him. He can't take away a life with a wife and a family from him. He can't take away the chance for a normal life just because he's so selfish he doesn't want to share him. He brings him closer and closes his eyes. Just this night. He'll have him just for one night more.