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Luke had not seen these stars before, though he supposed he had years to get used to them. A brand-new sky… How much joy the idea of that had once brought him. These stars were cold and distant. Leia would never see these stars, nor Han or Chewie or Lando.
The shaking, anguished sobs came upon him before he could stop them. Violent, and desperate and accompanied by the most awful pain. Everything began to overwhelm him: the crash of the waves, the whisper of the wind and the cries of the porgs.
It was unbearable. The thought of them made it worse. Leia and Han must know by now how he had failed them. Their son was gone, all because he had given into fear and doubt for a second. Just one second. He remembered the fear in his nephew’s eyes. He looked as he had as a child, when he came to Luke for shelter from nightmares.
For the first time in his life, Luke almost understood why Obi-Wan Kenobi had lied. The shame of his failure was agonising. It was a shame he had closed himself of from the force. The ghosts of his father, mentors, and Qui-Gon Jinn had not always been the best of comfort but he could use them now. They were, after all, the only people who had some experience with this.
The waves crashed against the rocks. It was almost a comfort, allowing him to steady his breathing. He relaxed, calming his mind and trying not to think of his family. He was never going to see them again. Pain began to coil again in his stomach and he focused on the waves once again. Leia. Leia who he had loved since the moment he saw her. He had failed her son. He wanted to beg for her forgiveness and hold her as she mourned.
And then there was Han. He would close himself off and run away because that is what he has always done when he was hurt. Once he had been able to coax it out of him when not even Leia could. At least he would have Chewie, though he had lost the Falcon.
Luke had never understood Han and Leia’s relationship. To be fair, he had never really understood any romantic relationships. He remembered his aunt and uncle teasing him about Biggs and how confused he had been. The only difference he felt for Biggs as opposed to his other friends was that he desperately wanted to kiss him, but apparently there were other things he was supposed to feel.
He never wanted to kiss Leia. He had thought he had once, the intensity of his feeling around her, but he had never truly wanted it (and they desperately tried to forget that that had ever happened). He had wanted Han. To be fair, everyone wanted Han. He was a complete and utter disaster but he still managed to ooze sex appeal. At least in Luke’s 19 year old mind. Han had of course, paled in comparison when compared to Lando but still…
They had (re)formed their family. Luke and Leia attempting to make up the time that had been lost to them. Ben had been born shortly after the end of the war and Luke had vowed to be the best uncle imaginable. As good as Uncle Owen had once been to him. Poor Uncle Owen would be rolling in his grave. How could Luke compare to him when he had given his life for him and Luke had…
He dipped his feet in the water, welcoming the icy shock to his system. Memories would be the only real comfort he had now. Luke had not felt this alone in a very very long time. It was good. It was the opposite of how he had been before so it must be good. He shivered. His feet were going numb. Not even three years on Hoth had gotten him truly able to cope with the cold.
The island was completely silent of life now. There were attendents here; and texts to read, to try and understand the Jedi and where they failed; why he had failed despite all the changes he had tried to make.
He and Leia had visited their birth mother’s grave once. It was a lavish tomb on Naboo, overlooked by a stained-glass window. Leia looked like her as much as Luke looked like their father. It had taken Leia a moment to realise that her parents had taken her their before. Bail and Breha Organa must have known their daughter’s heritage. Perhaps Padme Amidala had entrusted her to them personally, or had she not known she was going to die. Had she had time to make arrangements for her children’s safety and upbringing. He hoped she had known that they were in good hands. Both Leia and him had been raised by people who had loved them wholeheartedly.
Ben Kenobi told him that their mother had named them, though the names went to the wrong child initially. It had brought them both comfort to know that the names they had chosen were the ones they were destined to have. The Force worked in mysterious ways after all.
Damn the Force and its mysterious ways. Damn it all. The Jedi, the Sith, the Light, the Dark… All of it had brought as much pain as it had joy. And right now Luke did not believe the joy had been worth it. What use was that joy now.
The waves had calmed now, gently lapping at the rocks. He should sleep. He thought of his sister and his brother and despite himself he couldn’t help but utter the words:
‘May the Force be with them’