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“I can’t believe I’m throwing another fucking surprise party,” grumbled David as he attempted to twist a pile of paper flowers into some sort of crown. The Rose Apothecary, usually an oasis of calm, was strewn with boxes, garlands, and balloons, and Patrick could tell it was heightening David’s anxiety.
“Technically, you’ve never thrown a surprise party, since you always gave away the surprise ahead of time,” gently teased Patrick. He grabbed one of the paper flowers and put the stem in his teeth, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively, but David could not be distracted from his indignant mood and gave him an irritated grimace.
“Alexis has been such a little b lately that I am totally regretting throwing this party for her. I can’t believe I let you talk me into it, especially hosting it here at the store.”
Patrick came behind David and wrapped his arms around his chest. He could feel David’s heart racing underneath his amazingly soft black and white sweater. Patrick kissed his shoulder. “All I remember saying was that Alexis would be in the Galapagos for her birthday and maybe we should celebrate early. And you got the idea for a surprise party since everyone was feeling so let down about Cabaret being over and your mother’s movie getting shelved.”
“Exactly. And you didn’t tell me that it was the worst idea you’d ever heard.” David continued to furiously tangle the flowers, but Patrick held on tight until he could feel David’s heartbeat slowing down.
“It was a great idea,” soothed Patrick. “Alexis deserves a nice send-off.” He gave David a little kiss in the sweet spot behind his ear. “What can I do to help you?”
David turned around to face him. “Can you keep Alexis busy this afternoon? She’s so antsy about this trip and bored with Ted already gone that she’ll probably try to pop in five or six times, and I need to finish these decorations and help Twyla set up the food.”
“Sure, of course,” said Patrick. “Uh, any ideas how to do that?”
“I don’t know, Patrick,” snapped David, “Maybe practice giving each other a smoky eye and talk about whose Coachella performance was better, Beyonce or Ariana Grande.” He immediately looked regretful and put his hands on Patrick’s shoulders. His eyes softened. “I”m sorry for being sharp. You are offering to help, and I’m acting ungrateful. But I appreciate you very much.” He gave Patrick an apologetic kiss. “Can you stash her in your apartment with a Vanderpump Rules marathon or something?”
Patrick pressed his forehead to David’s. “I’ll take care of it. And it was obviously Beyonce. Her set was legendary, and even I know that.” And he gave David a little swat on the butt as he walked away.
***
Patrick still had one secret from David. It wasn’t nearly as bad as not telling his parents about their relationship, but it still nagged at him. He liked Alexis and even felt fond of her, but he had never admitted to David or anyone else that she still made him uneasy. He might be a tiny bit...scared of her?
The first time they met, Alexis had flirted with him so energetically that he had panicked, thinking David would assume he was interested in the wrong Rose sibling and brush him off. Plus, women flirting with him always made Patrick feel awkward and anxious. It was a familiar scenario- a pretty girl would try catch his eye at a party or after an open mike night, touch his shoulder, laugh at his jokes, and he would feel...nothing. Nothing but confused by his lack of interest and embarrassed by her growing disappointment. Alexis was the first girl in Schitt’s Creek to flirt with him and had brought it all back.
And when Alexis had cheerfully switched gears to treat him more like another brother, it was even more intimidating. Patrick was an only child, used to his placid, pleasantly repressed family. He had never even heard his parents have a real argument. David and Alexis’s ability to bicker bitterly and then instantly switch gears to bond together against their parents made him dizzy. Patrick knew how to playfully calm down David’s moods, but when he was with the two of them, Patrick struggled to keep up with their volatility.
But mostly he knew that no matter how much David complained about her, Alexis was deeply precious to him. While he never came out and said it, Patrick saw how vigilant David was. When he stayed over at Patrick’s, he always texted Alexis to make sure she was home safe, and Patrick had filed away all his offhand mentions of the times Alexis was missing or in trouble, and only he had been there. Patrick knew that Alexis must be protected at all costs So here he was, feeling nervous about spending time with his future sister-in-law and angry at himself for feeling that way.
The Alexis he found at the motel was unnervingly quiet. She lay perfectly still on her bed wearing what looked suspiciously like sweatpants. Her hair was in a bun, but not a stylishly messy one. The room was tidier than he had ever seen it, with a lot of David’s belongings migrating to his apartment and Alexis’s in two large suitcases in the corner.
Alexis blinked and sighed when she saw him. “Hi, Patrick. Did David send you to make sure I didn’t pack any of his hair pomade?”
“No, uh, I just thought we could hang out this afternoon. Now that the play rehearsals are over I haven’t seen that much of you, and you’re leaving soon.”
“Yes, I know, everybody keeps reminding me!” Alexis sat up. “Why do you have to keep saying it! Are you sure David didn’t send you? He’s been such a little b lately. He’s so stressed that he’s going to miss me.”
“Of course he will. We all will.”
“But everyone just keeps talking about the stuff they’re going to do while I’m gone! You guys are planning your wedding, and Ronnie just got a puppy, and Twyla is going to join Bumpkin. And Mom might stop hiding in the closet. I’ll come back and everything will be different.”
Patrick was alarmed to see Alexis so close to tears. He could easily picture her as a little girl with her big blue eyes, trusting in her big brother David to help her with some hurt or fear with their parents nowhere around. Imagining his David as a serious, dark-eyed little boy with too much responsibility made his heart hurt. “Actually, I came by because I really need your help,” he blurted.
Alexis pursed her hands together and jutted out her chin. “Really?” she asked suspiciously. “Are you mad at David, too? Because I know he can be a total diva but I’m sure he didn’t mean it.”
“Well, kind of…” started Patrick. He needed to get a little better at thinking on his feet.
“Did he say something mean about your clothes again? I keep telling him that people with tree trunk thighs can’t pull off a skinny jean, and it’s not your fault.”
Patrick was starting to feel steamrolled in that familiar Alexis way. “No, not that this time. He forgot, um…”
Alexis looked at him in delighted anticipation of David’s misdeed.
“...our anniversary,” babbled Patrick desperately.
“Patrick, isn’t your anniversary the same as David’s birthday?” Alexis looked confused.
“Yeah, of course it is, uh, but not that anniversary.” Patrick was flailing.
Alexis looked perplexed for a moment, but then she hopped off the bed with a big smile and gave him a limp-wristed swat on the shoulder. “Oh my God! You mean your sex-iversary! Ew but also you guys are so cute! Except David, he’s such a pig. I remember how when you two first started dating, and you wanted to take it slow and, like, feel your way into the whole gay thing, and David spent like a month taking long showers, if you know what I mean, which was totally gross but also super sweet.”
Patrick felt totally defeated already, but relieved to see a spark of life in Alexis. “Yep, that’s it. Can you believe he forgot?” His acting skills were a little flat—somehow it was easier as the Emcee in Cabaret than here in the motel with Alexis.
“What are we going to do about it?” Alexis’s blue eyes were wide. She waited about half a second for Patrick to respond before she gave a happy little yelp. “If I learned one thing as Khloe Kardashian’s after-photo inspiration for her show Revenge Body, it’s that the best way to win an argument is by looking so amazing that the other person feels like shit. Patrick, I am going to give you a makeover, and then we are going to go show David that he picked the wrong sex-iversary to forget!”
Patrick took a deep breath and thought about David. David at twelve years old, hair parted on the side and wearing a Mariah Carey concert t-shirt, putting a band aid on seven year old Alexis’s finger. David at fifteen, a solemn-faced candy raver, walking Alexis to school and watching to make sure she entered the building. He could do this.
“Alexis, that sounds like a great idea.”
“Fun!” she squealed, before looking him up and down appraisingly. “It’s too bad there’s like, no stores around here. But I can improvise.” She circled around him, rubbing the fabric of his shirt between her fingers and poking and prodding his hair. Then she bustled around the room, grabbing supplies and piling them on her bed. “What size do you wear in James Perse t-shirts? Do you have any clothes that aren’t blue? Have you ever been blond? Patrick, your t-zone is super oily.”
“I just have one demand,” said Patrick weakly. “Don’t put me in anything of your mother’s.”
“Don’t worry,” said Alexis cheerfully, draping a silvery fringe scarf around his shoulders. “Your head is much too small for any of her wigs. Let’s start with skin care.”
***
Half an hour later, Patrick lay on David’s twin bed, the Korean sheet mask on his face making him look startlingly like a ghost. Alexis lay next to him, since her bed was covered with rejected clothes and accessories. She had a sheet mask on herself since “you can never draw out too many toxins.” The slight weight of the mask made Patrick calm and sleepy, and he listened to Alexis droning on.
“The witch hazel in this is really good for those huge pores on your nose, Patrick. And being so pale isn’t really such a bad thing but you have to be careful. Be sure to use sunscreen while I’m gone, okay? I don’t want to you to look leathery in the wedding photos.”
“OK, I will.” The mask was drying, and it was really hard to talk. Patrick wasn’t sure how Alexis managed.
“David is really good about skin care but he forgets sunscreen, too. He thinks he looks better with a tan. Will you make sure he wears sunscreen? Please?”
“Sure,” he mumbled. How long was he supposed to leave this thing on?
“It’s just that...I know I sound really worried about the trip, but I’m excited to go. I miss Ted so much already. When he’s not around I think too much. I’ve let him down so many times, and I finally have a chance to do a big thing for him and show him that I can be there for him like he has for me.”
“Mmmmm,” said Patrick. Alexis’s blue eyes peered at him out of the white sheet. To Patrick she looked like she was wearing a hockey mask, but he didn’t think she would get or appreciate the comparison.
“And I know you’ll take care of David. He can be super annoying and selfish, and I get that you’re really mad at him right now, but sometimes it’s just because he’s sad or worried. He’s a big softie under all those sweaters. And I wouldn’t be going if I didn’t know you would take care of him for me, and make sure he doesn’t stress too much or get all angry at himself for no reason.”
Patrick closed his eyes. This time he saw ten year old Alexis outside David’s bedroom door, listening to him cry, before quietly slipping inside and crawling into bed with him. He saw teenaged Alexis buying David a tacky souvenir at the Bangkok airport, thinking it would make him smile. He saw Alexis a few months ago sitting with David as he spun out, imagining Patrick’s date with Ken. Patrick was overcome by waves of affection for the pair of them, this crazy pair of siblings so full of life and love, who would soon be his family. Tears moistened the eyeholes of his drying mask. He wanted to say, Yes, I’ll take care of him for you. I always knew how he looked after you, but now I see that you took care of him, too. Thank you for everything you did to protect him from the world and give him someone to love, so when I came along he was the man he is now. I’ll cherish him every day.
But he couldn’t move his mouth, so all that came out was, “Yesh.” He took her hand and squeezed it instead.
***
David texted him just after 5.
David: Alexis still with you?
Patrick: Yes we are practically Siamese twins now.
David: Not sexy.
David: Bring her to the store at 7:12 for the party.
Patrick: OK see you at 7:13
David: That’s not what I said
Patrick: We’ll be there. It will be great.
***
A few hours later, Patrick and Alexis headed into town, supposedly for dinner at the cafe. He had convinced Alexis to change into one of her pretty, flowy dresses and brush her hair. As they neared the darkened store, Patrick glanced at his watch. 7:10.
“I need to swing in here first and grab something,” said Patrick with forced casualness.
“Ugh, are you hoping to surprise David in the back room and smooch him or something? You are not going crawling back until he apologizes. Remember the plan!”
“I know,” he said, “It’s just…”
“Okay, we can go inside, but let me do the talking.” Alexis grabbed his hand and dragged him through the front door. They stumbled into the pitch-black room.
“David! David!” she yelled into the darkness. “How dare you forget your sex-iversary with this sweet little button face! He came to me devastated, and soon I’m not going to be around to fix your love life!”
The lights flicked on. David, his parents, Twyla, Jocelyn and Roland, Ronnie, Stevie, Ted’s receptionist, and Alexis's Cabaret friends were wearing flower crowns and looking confused.
“Happy early birthday!” shouted Twyla.
“Early happy birthday!” shouted Jocelyn and Roland
“Happy birthday early!” shouted Moira and Johnny.
“Sex-iversary,” chuckled Ronnie. “With him?” She rolled her eyes at Patrick.
David looked from Patrick to Alexis. “Um, surprise?” he frowned. “What’s going on here?”
Patrick turned to Alexis. “Happy birthday. We wanted to celebrate before your trip.” He wrapped her in a big hug and whispered into her ear, “I’ll take care of him for you.”
Alexis looked at him, stunned into silence for once, and then ran into David’s arms. “Oh my God, David! I can’t believe you did this! You’re so mean for letting me come out looking like a total wreck. But it’s the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me.” And she kept hugging and hugging while David closed his eyes and wrapped her tightly in his arms.
***
The party lasted well into the night, with drinking and dancing and many toasts to Alexis. It was very late when Patrick and David finally had the chance to clean up. Patrick enjoyed parties, but this was his favorite time of any celebration, the afterglow when he was alone with David again. He watched David bustle around the store, picking up dirty plates and napkins. David was riveting to him, even picking up trash.
“So I almost don’t want to ask, since the party was a huge success and I’m kind of riding that high right now, but what on earth did you tell Alexis? Do we need to talk?”
Patrick was a little tipsy and filled with love and contentment and relief at having done his job. “I didn’t say much of anything. I mostly just let her talk and didn’t disagree.” He wrapped his arms around David and tried to reach up for a kiss, but David wouldn’t stop talking.
“So now the whole town thinks that I’m a monster who didn’t send you flowers for our sex-iversary? Is that even a thing?”
“It is now,” said Patrick. “And I have some ideas how I want to celebrate.” He tried the kiss again, and this time it landed. He could feel David smiling against his lips.
“Ok, but…” David pulled away and Patrick groaned. “What’s going on with all this?” He gestured towards Patrick’s outfit. “Are you wearing eyeliner? And hair gel? And I’m pretty sure that’s Alexis’s t-shirt. It is very snug on you, not that I’m complaining.”
Patrick gave a little twirl and nestled back into David’s arms. “It’s my revenge makeover. Designed by Alexis to make you realize what you’re missing.”
“Mmmm,” said David, “I’m not sure about the taste level, but I appreciate the effort.” He smiled one of the soft, fond smiles reserved only for Patrick, only when they were alone. “I’ll have to thank Alexis.”
“Me, too,” agreed Patrick. “She’s really something, David. I’m going to miss her.”
Patrick felt a stifled sob rising in David’s chest and moved in for a hug, holding him as tightly as he could. He didn’t have any secrets from David any more. He was the luckiest guy in the world, getting to marry this beautiful, complicated man. And to finally have a little sister to love and annoy him.