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It was better this way,
That’s what Keith told himself. Every time a thought would cross his mind, a what if, or some regret, he’d focus on all the ways things were better this way. He beat back every bit of doubt.
Some nights it almost felt like playing whack-a-mole, laying in his fraying sleeping bag hitting down doubt after doubt, regret after regret. But He did it. Keith did it until six months passed and it didn’t feel so much like some twisted arcade game. He took the fact that it got easier to mean that he’d made the right decision that holding onto Shiro was the right choice.
But on the darkest, dustiest nights a voice of a boy echoed in his head.
“You’re choosing a dead guy over the one that’s living and breathing in front of you?”
No matter how hard Keith tried he could never stop it. Flashes and bits and pieces came back to him, during the nights and the hottest heaviest days. Sometimes it felt like he was lost when the crushing weight of where he was would hit him.
Because no matter what he told himself about this being better. That it was all going to be worth it when he got Shiro back, the truth of the matter was that Keith was alone. Alone in the middle of the desert chasing a conspiracy and a pull in his gut. And while he was no stranger to being alone it was different now that he knew what it was like to have people. At that point a little voice in his head loved to remind him that he didn’t have to be alone, it was his choice. That was another thought he played whack-a-mole with. Beating it down viciously until it was properly repressed. Keith didn’t have time for regrets, he had a mission.
Sure, he wasn’t a soldier or a real pilot, he wouldn’t go on to go to space like his former Garrison classmates might. Keith was a dropout, a behavior issue, abandonment issue foster kid. He ruined his one chance to be something by punching his superior. Got himself kicked out of the most prestigious flying program, and ran off to find a dead man.
Keith couldn’t deny it, things didn’t look good.
But there was something out there, and if it cost him everything to find it, so be it. Keith was no stranger to leaving things behind. He’d never see that boy again anyway. What was one more person?
A lot, it would turn out.
Keith was alone in the desert for nine months before he found anything. But finally after ages of nothing but dust and theories Keith saw the ship.
He couldn’t tell you how he knew Shiro was on it, but Keith just did. He knew it the same way he’d known that Shiro wasn’t dead in the first place. The same way Keith knew there was something out in the desert.
So he went in there to get Shiro, Keith thought he would run in there grab him and then get out. Of course, it couldn’t have been that simple. Keith couldn’t get away with never seeing that boy again.
So in he came, forced himself into the situation the way he always did. Grabbed Shiro’s other arm, helping Keith support him and in that instant wormed his way back into Keith’s life.
And the memories Keith was suppressing were replaying themselves in his head.
“I won’t beg you to stay, but if you walk out that door from here on out we’re strangers .”
And so Keith did what he did best, pushed it all back and asked: “Who are you?”
He knew the answer before the boy said it. Hurt flashed in his eyes that you wouldn’t have been able to catch unless you knew him well.
“The name’s Lance.”
Of course he was.
Keith knew that. He knew that Lance was absurdly afraid of butterflies, that his favorite color was a tie between blue and purple, and he liked pineapple on his pizza. He always cried when he watched Titanic, he had a huge family, his real laugh was the most beautiful sound on earth, his eyes were four different shades of blue if you looked closely. His biggest fear was amounting to nothing. Keith knew, but Lance had made it clear enough, these were not Keith’s things to know anymore.
So Keith pretended he didn’t know Lance.
He pretended as they left earth in the blue lion and when they found the castle ship. He pretended even after they succeeded in forming Voltron for the first time. Pushed the past so far back in his mind that even the mental link between the paladins couldn’t touch it.
And it was all fine, it was better like this. Keith kept everyone at a distance, trained all day, tossed and turned through the night, failed not to raise to Lance’s bait day after day. And while he picked fights and goaded Keith, Lance never once let their fights and petty arguments go into anything deeper, never acknowledged that he’d known Keith on a deeper level than the ‘We were rivals” shit he’d spouted that first night.
Everything was working out, until the day it wasn’t.
They were in the midst of a particularly nasty fight with the Galra, trying to defend the planet Sifia from being invaded. The inhabitants of Sifia were apparently psychic or something and Zarkon wanted them for some twisted reason or another, Keith didn’t know the specifics.
What he did know was that they were being destroyed and stress was high so when Keith snapped at Lance after he pulled a particularly stupid move it wasn’t a surprise. It wasn’t a surprise when Pidge groaned exasperatedly, when Hunk pleadingly said: “Guys please don’t.” When Shiro reprimanded them saying: “We are in the middle of the battle this is not the time for this!” or when Keith and Lance continued to fight anyway. What was a surprise was Lance’s response to a particularly nasty remark from Keith.
“You’re pulling stupid showy moves and putting the entire team in jeopardy! That’s just so like you isn’t it?”
“Oh, so I’m a show-off, fine! But at least I’m not like you!”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Keith spat while narrowly dodging a blast from an enemy ship.
“It means that I may be annoying and in your eyes, I can’t take anything seriously but at least I care about this team! For you, it’s just a matter of time until you leave! I wonder what your excuse will be this time. Another dead person you need to chase after Keith?”
“Shiro wasn’t dead! I was right!”
“Yeah, but look where we are now.” Lance’s point was punctuated by a bone-shaking boom as Red was hit.
“Argh!” Keith yelled turning and shooting the ship that had hit him.
Distantly he heard Shiro shouting at them to cut it out but Keith was too pissed to care.
“So you think this is my fault? What because I had the nerve to leave to find the only person I had?”
“BECAUSE SHIRO WASN’T THE ONLY PERSON YOU HAD!” Lance yelled it so suddenly and harshly that Keith jumped.
On the dashboard of his lion, Keith could see Lance breathing heavily tears in the corner of his eyes.
“Lance I—“ Keith started only to be cut off by Shiro.
“That’s enough everyone! Form Voltron.”
They flew into formation on Shiro’s orders forming Voltron. The rest of the fight was a blur of blasts and gritted teeth as the team had to physically fight to keep Voltron together. It seemed that the divide between Keith and Lance had become something closer to a ravine. When the Galra had retreated it was with great relief that Voltron broke apart.
Normally after winning such a big fight, the team would be in good spirits joking and laughing with each other but the mood was somber as they returned to the castle. Keith moved quickly hoping to escape to his room and sleep but he was stopped by Shiro.
“Wait,” He said firmly stopping Keith in his tracks.
“What?” Keith snapped his eyes flashing, fiery and dangerous.
Shiro spoke calmly used to Keith’s anger “I think we need to have a team meeting.”
Keith stalked back into the room and crossed his arms.
“So team, what happened out there today?” Shiro asked.
Normally this would be the point where Lance jumped in and blamed Keith but now Lance kept his mouth firmly shut intently studying his feet. Shiro’s eyes darted around the room hovering over Lance.
“Lance?”
The blue paladin bit his lip but said nothing.
The silence was suffocating.
“Keith, Lance, do you realize the trouble we had keeping Voltron together today was a result of this absurd rivalry of yours? If the two of you can’t learn to get along I’m not sure we’ll be able to form Voltron anymore.”
“It was never a rivalry,” Lance said suddenly still not looking up.
“What?” Shiro asked looking relieved that Lance was talking again.
“Keith was never my rival.” He finally looked up meeting Keith’s gaze with a coldness he had never seen from Lance. “Saying it was a rivalry was bullshit, you can’t be a rival with someone who isn’t even on the same level. We were never ‘neck and neck’ you were always light years ahead of me, weren’t you? Didn’t have time for a lowly cargo pilot like me. Well congrats Kei,” Lance spat the old nickname like a curse. “You got Shiro back. But do you ever think about what that cost you? Or does it even matter to you? It only took you what, nine months to just forget me?”
“Oh my god, you’re so full of shit Lance! You told me that I wouldn’t be allowed to know you any more if I left. I’m only giving you what you wanted!”
There was a moment’s pause before Lance said: “I wanted you to stay.”
His words didn’t come out how Keith thought Lance intended them to. They weren’t angry or sharp, instead, they were ragged, shaky. Lance’s voice cracked at the end of his sentence.
If the silence was bad before now it was positively deafening.
Lance cleared his throat and when he spoke again his voice was quiet, Keith had to strain to hear him. “But you know what, it’s whatever. That’s the past. You chose Shiro, it was pretty clear where your priorities lay.”
“It was never supposed to be a choice.” Keith wanted to yell but with the quietness of Lance’s voice, it didn’t feel right. “Lance I wanted you to come with me. I wanted you.”
“You couldn’t ask me for something like that. Maybe you were fine with leaving the Garrison but I wasn’t. You knew how scared I was of amounting to nothing, of being a disappointment The Garrison was my only shot.”
His mouth tightened into a thin line “But I suppose I can’t expect you to get it. You never did try to understand me.”
Keith scoffed “That’s not true.”
“Really? C’mon Keith, you don’t know anything about me. Don’t try to pretend.”
“I know you still love me.”
Lance flinched. He took a step forward looking lost for a moment before pulling his shoulders back and standing up straight and tall. “Okay, fine. Maybe I do. But it doesn’t matter because you’re a grade A asshole. Sure, I still love you but like this, you’re just my ex Keith. That’s all you’re ever going to be. Somebody that I used to know.” And with those last words echoing around the room he turned on his heel leaving Keith gaping behind him.
Keith was on the bridge two days later watching the stars outside. Pidge, Hunk, Shiro, and Allura were going through plans for the coalition across the room. Keith listened to their voices not really hearing what they were saying.
He stiffened as he heard footsteps approaching and Shiro sat himself down beside Keith.
“Why didn’t you ever say anything?”
Keith knew what Shiro was referencing but chose to ignore him staring out the window. Shiro sighed when he was met by silence.
“Seriously Keith, don’t ignore me.”
“What?” Keith said sharply turning to Shiro with blazing eyes. “I don’t understand what everybody wants from me. Do you think I don’t see all the little looks you shoot each other? That I don’t notice all the little whispered conversations?”
“Keith—“
“No!” He yelled cutting Shiro off unaware that he’d grabbed the attention of his friends across the room. “I don’t want to talk about Lance, about my relationship with him. I fucked it up, a long time ago Shiro. I-I loved him.” Keith’s voice cracked but he ignored it soldiering on “its old news okay.”
Shiro’s brow furrowed his expression pitying. Keith bristled. “No, stop that.”
“What?” Shiro asked.
“You’re pitying me. Stop. I don’t deserve it. You don’t know what happened.”
“Then tell me.”
Keith paused for a moment clenching his hands into fists before he released them and sighed in defeat.
“I met Lance my first day at the Garrison. We were paired together for orientation. I was quiet back then, even more so than I am now. I don’t think I said a single word to him my first week, but Lance is, well Lance.” Keith let out a little snort. “He didn’t let the fact that I never talked stop him from making conversation and eventually, he broke me down. Once he got me to talk it was like the floodgates opened. I’d sit with him every day at lunch, we did our homework together and hung out as often as we could. But I dunno, we were fourteen and people made fun of us, said we were gay and called us fags.” Keith made a sour face.
“We weren’t even dating yet, but you know how Lance is, he cares a lot about what people think of him. He brushed off the bullying but I knew it bothered him so I suggested that we keep our relationship private. We stopped hanging out or even interacting publicly, it worked, the mean comments stopped and Lance was a lot happier.”
“I guess that explains why nobody knew about your relationship,” Shiro said.
At this point Hunk, Pidge and Allura were blatantly listening but for some reason, Keith couldn’t make himself upset about it. Instead, he just nodded and continued with his story.
“After that our relationship was completely a secret, Lance didn’t even talk to Hunk about it. I’m not even sure how it happened but I guess keeping it quiet was almost like a habit. Anyway, we were friends for about a year, and then we just… weren’t. You’d think with Lance and I there would have been some huge dramatic moment when we fell in love and confessed, but that wasn’t how it happened. Falling in love with Lance was as easy as breathing. And as for the confession, there wasn’t really one. We had snuck up to the roof one night to watch the stars and I just turned to him and said ‘You know I’m in love with you right?’ He just smiled and said ‘I know.’ After that, we were more than friends.” A small smile crossed over Keith’s face. “It was the easiest thing that’s ever happened to me.”
“Things were good for a long time. Really good. The years Lance and I were together were probably the best years of my life. And of course, we butted heads a bit, we’d always done that. Our personalities clashed, we fucked each other up, but we were happy. Until the news broke about the Kerberos mission.”
Shiro reached out to put a hand on Keith’s shoulder as his expression turned pained.
“Shiro,” Keith said turning to him “you were the closest thing I had to family. I kind of lost it when they told me you were dead. I started withdrawing, stopped going to classes or eating. Lance called me out on it, tried to get me to pull myself together. But I just wouldn’t listen. I couldn’t believe you were dead so I went to Iverson demanding answers. When he refused to give me any I punched him.”
“Wait, what?” Shiro said sharply “You punched your superior officer? Keith!” He scolded.
“I know, I know,” Keith said shaking his head “I shouldn’t have done it and looking back I know he was just following orders. But I was hurt and angry. I say it got kicked out but the truth is they gave me a chance. I was a prodigy as Lance put it, they didn’t want to give me up I guess. They said either I could start doing mandatory counseling and correct my behavior or I could drop out. I’m sure you can guess which one I chose.” Keith frowned.
“Lance found me as I was packing my bags. He asked me to stay, he said he wouldn’t beg, refused to. But there was definitely a moment when I thought he might. I told him I needed to go, I didn’t want to but I was so messed up I felt like I had to.”
“God, I couldn’t even look at him. ‘If you’re going to break my heart at least look me in the eye’ that’s what he said to me. And so I did, I looked him in the eye and told him I was going.” Keith paused taking a deep breath. At some point during his story Allura, Pidge and Hunk had joined Shiro and Keith on the floor. Keith couldn’t bring himself to look up at them, the story was hard enough to tell without having to see their expressions.
“Lance told me that if I left then that was it, I couldn’t go back. He said if I walked out the door then we’d be strangers. I know I have impulse control issues, I turned my back, didn’t even hesitate. I- fuck, I thought it was better that way.” Keith’s voice cracked and he cleared his throat “I regret it, leaving him, hurting him. But I don’t think I would change it if I could. It worked out… well mostly. I got Shiro back and now we’re here, saving the universe you know?” His last words came out in a shaky laugh and he shook his head “And there are very few things I wouldn’t give to get Lance back, god I don’t think there’s words to describe just how much I loved, or no-- how much I love him. But I think he deserves better, someone who will choose him. But I didn’t.”
“You could,” Allura said softly. “You said he still loved you, and he admitted it too.”
Keith let a small fond small cross his face for a moment, of course Allura was a romantic. She always acted so strong and mature it was easy to forget that she was technically still a teenager like them. But now she sat beside Keith looking so saddened by his story and she looked just like any other teenager who wanted her friends to make up.
“No you heard him, he doesn’t want me like this. I’m just somebody he used to know.”
“Then become better,” She urged “be someone he deserves. You don’t have to choose him over everyone else you love, but choose him as one of the people you do. Don’t leave him this time.”
“You make it sound so easy Allura, and I’d love to. But Lance is right I’m an grade A asshole. I need to become better and I’m going to try but it’s not going to happen immediately, it probably won’t happen for a very long time and by then I’m sure he’ll have moved on to somebody better. But I’ll try. Not just for him, for me and for you and for the rest of our team. I’ll try.”
Becoming better it turned out, was no easy feat. Logically Keith knew it wouldn’t be but some days it felt like the universe was really out to get him. It felt like problem after problem just piled up and it changed Keith, though he wasn’t sure if it was for the better.
When they found the Blade of Marmora Keith became frantic, he wasn’t proud of the way he reacted at the Blade of Marmora base, choosing to fight recklessly for his answers. The ruthless way he took to the fight reminded him of all the worst parts of himself. The parts that had him leaving the Garrison and the boy he loved, that had caused him to jump into bad situation after bad situation.
And after they defeated Zarkon and lost Shiro he was a mess. He lashed out and pushed everyone away. And when Keith became the black paladin he pushed his team too hard and led them recklessly. Keith forgot about being better, he latched onto the old comfort of his bad habits.
It was Lance that confronted him eventually.
“You’re a terrible leader.” He’d said bluntly.
It should have set Keith off, but instead he sank down to the floor saying pathetically: “I know.”
“But you can be a good leader.” Keith shook his head but Lance grabbed him by the shoulders forcing him to listen “Shiro wouldn’t have chosen you if he didn’t believe you could lead the team. The black lion wouldn’t have chosen you if you weren’t right for the job. So get your head out of your ass and lead. Think things through, listen to us, know when to retreat. You can do it Kei, just let me help you.”
And so Keith did, with Lance as his right-hand man, and the rest of his team supporting him. He became a better leader, maybe not as good as Shiro but Lance said those were shoes he didn’t need to fill, Keith was a different kind of leader, but a good one nonetheless.
But still, there was that part of Keith that felt… wrong. Like he was playing at being a leader, like this was all an illusion that was going to come crashing at any moment. He still felt that pull to the unknown that had led him to the blue lion so long ago. At first he’d attributed it to Shiro being missing, but even after he’d been safely returned Keith still felt trapped.
At night he dreamed of freedom, of flying with no strings and no weight on his shoulders. When he woke from these dreams it was always to a tight feeling in his chest. Like there was a black hole inside of him that nothing his life on the castle ship could fill.
So when Shiro was able to pilot the black lion again Keith was ashamed to admit, he bolted. He told himself it was for the better, this way Lance could still pilot Red and Allura could pilot Blue, there just wasn’t a place for Keith with Voltron anymore. When he chose to join the Blade of Marmora it felt like the right decision, right for him and right for his team. Keith pushed down the parts of him that whispered at night, saying he’d run away, taunting him with the word better.
And maybe he had run away, Keith could admit that now. But he’d run straight into something else, self-discovery, his mother, a blonde Altean named Romelle and a space wolf who’s in Keith’s opinion the best boy in the whole universe.
And this time he didn’t wait for life to catch up with him and push him to where he was supposed to be. Instead he ran right back to his team as a different person, a better person.
And he was still Keith. He was still a bit too impulsive and maybe came off a bit too cold, or too hot sometimes. But when he brushed of Lance harshly upon his arrival, instead of ignoring it he sought out Lance to apologize once Lotor was gone and they were on their way to Earth.
Keith found him watching the sunset on the Alien planet they were camped out on. He sat himself down beside Lance pausing for a moment to enjoy the feeling of being in Lance’s presence for the first time in two years.
“What’s up?” Lance said turning to Keith when he didn’t speak.
“I wanted to talk to you.”
“What about?”
“I snapped at you when I got back, we were on a time crunch but I shouldn’t have done that and I shouldn’t have brushed you off, I’m sorry.”
“You’re sorry?” Lance asked his mouth open in surprise.
“I am. And while we’re on the topic of apologizing I also need to apologize for some other things.”
“Other things?”
Keith snorted “Are you going to keep repeating everything I say as a question? Yes Lance, other things.”
“I- uh, okay.” Lance bit his lip.
“So,” Keith started “believe it or not there isn’t a whole lot to do on a space whale, so I’ve had a lot of time to think the last few years. And I know I owe you an apology.” He took a deep breath “I shouldn’t have hurt you. I treated you badly, I regret that. And I’m going to be completely honest with you I don’t regret leaving because it brought me back to Shiro and us to Voltron, and if I hadn’t found Shiro then I never would have found my mother. So I don’t regret it, but I do regret how I did it. I shouldn’t have turned my back, and I shouldn’t have pretended that I didn’t know who you were when we met again.”
“I told myself I did it because it was what you wanted but the truth is I was being petty. I knew it would hurt you. And I’m sorry. I’m sorry for every comment I made that I knew would hurt you, I’m sorry for using your insecurities and the things you trusted me with to get the upper hand during petty arguments. Lance, I’m so sorry for breaking your heart and for causing you pain.”
By the time Keith finished his apology Lance was crying, tears streaming silently down his cheeks. He scooted closer to Keith studying him.
The leftover residue of Keith’s old self were yelling in the back of his mind to put up his walls, push Lance away. But Keith did no such thing, he let Lance search his face mentally telling those intrusive thoughts to go fuck themselves.
After a minute or so of Lance just looking at Keith he pulled back seemingly finding what he was looking for.
“Thank you,” Lance whispered his voice shaky.
The sun had set by now and his face was lit only by the distant light of the fire the team had set. He bit his lip shadows dancing across his expression. Keith knew Lance was collecting his thoughts so he waited as Lance took a few deep breaths steadying himself.
“I- I’m sorry too. I shouldn’t have asked you to choose between me and Shiro, I should have supported you in your decision. I just didn’t want you to leave. And when you were going off to find Shiro instead of staying with me it felt like you were saying I wasn’t good enough for you.” Lance looked down fidgeting with a rock near his leg.”
“Oh Lance.” Keith breathed moving closer to cup Lance’s face in his hand, gently tilting the red paladin’s head up to look him in the eye. “Trust me, it was never that you weren’t good enough. You were always too good for me. I didn’t deserve you, not when I was angry and reckless.”
“And what about now?” Lance asked quietly.
“Well,” Keith said tilting his head, “I think that’s up to you.”
There was a moment of silence before a small smile crossed onto Lance’s lips. “You know I’m in love with you right?”
Keith snorted but replied anyway his smile matching Lance’s “I know.”
Lance nodded watching Keith for a moment, they both knew what came next but there wasn’t any rush. Keith leaned forward slowly giving Lance plenty of time to change his mind. Their noses bumped and they paused, Keith savored the moment, their lips almost touching, breath mixing, when Lance closed the small distance touching their lips together it felt like they had all the time in the world.
And logically it could have all been seen as rushed, Keith just got back, just apologized. But really it was a long time coming, they’d been waiting for this for years. Drawn to each other but holding back because they knew they weren’t ready.
They were now.
One of Lance’s hands was in Keith’s hair, the other on his waist. Lance tugged falling backward so he was lying down and Keith was on top of him. Keith moved his lips from Lance’s mouth to trail down his jaw, pressing kisses on his neck then moving back up to leave kisses all over his face.
And if Keith’s apology didn’t get across everything Keith felt for Lance this certainly did. Keith moved back to Lance’s lips one last time, kissing him gently before breaking apart.
They stayed like that breathing heavily for a moment just taking it all in before Lance dissolved into laughter and Keith followed suit collapsing against his chest. Lance wrapped his arms around Keith pulling him close so his head was pressed against the red paladin’s neck.
They stayed like that basking in each other’s presence, the sound of the fire crackling and the timbre of their teammate’s voices in the distance.
There was a lot to talk about, things that needed to be worked out. They had to figure out what their relationship was going to be like now and how to be together since so much was different. But those were all things for another time.
Right now all Keith could think was that he’d found it, the thing he’d been chasing across the universe, making bad decisions in the pursuit of it.
This was better.