Work Text:
THEON: i have a hypothetical question
YARA: No.
THEON: ????
bitch
YARA: Either ask me a *real* question that you want a *real* answer to, or gtfo.
BITCH.
THEON: …
THEON: …so anyway…
THEON: HYPOTHETICALLY —
THEON: what is it that makes me so fundamentally unlovable?
YARA: Oh, Christ.
THEON: well that’s tremendously unhelpful, thanks
YARA: A tremendously stupid question warrants an equal answer.
THEON: was that supposed to be ~deep and ~meaningful?
because it wasn’t
it was nothing
YARA: Theon.
You stupid fuck.
THEON: thanks
YARA: You’re not ‘fundamentally unlovable.’
You’re just coming down from your early-20s orgy high.
THEON: excuse the fuck outta me
but i’ve never been to an orgy
YARA: Really? Well, then, I guess I do have some sympathy to spare you, after all.
THEON: super
YARA: Look, whatever, you’re just depressed.
THEON: yes i go to therapy once a week i KNOW
YARA: You just turned twenty-seven, mate. Shit’s real now. You’ve emotionally matured. Being a slut doesn’t do it for you anymore, so you feel all self-loathing about all the dumb shit you used to do because you sure as shit wouldn’t do those things *now*
THEON: really demonstrating the versatility of the word ‘shit’ there aren’t you?
YARA: Shut the fuck up, man.
YARA: You’re not unlovable, you’re just full of regret. Join the club. It’s why we all drink so much.
THEON: again, tremendously unhelpful
you hag
YARA: Well, what the fuck do you want from me?
Who do you want to love you so badly that it’s turned you into such a whingy sap, anyway?
THEON: i’m not WHINGING
i’m just
i told you, it’s hypothetical
YARA: And I told YOU, you’re full of it.
THEON: typing…
YARA: Don’t bother.
Whoever it is, just take the plunge. Ask her out. Never had a problem with that before, did you?
THEON: don’t reckon i’m her type
YARA: She single?
THEON: yea
YARA: Then maybe ‘not her type’ is what she needs. Y’know? It’s not worked out with anyone else, so what could it hurt to give you a go?
THEON: typing…
THEON: it’s complicated
YARA: How?? Use your words, man!
THEON: typing…
YARA: It’s not Margaery you fancy, is it?
Because that wouldn’t just be COMPLICATED, little brother. It would be detrimental to your delicate bones.
Ogle my woman and you’re a dead man.
THEON: what?? no i don’t fancy MARGAERY for chrissakes
YARA: Why?? Is she not good enough for you????
THEON: i… legitimately do not know what you want me to say to that
YARA: Wanker.
THEON: ???????????
*
MARGAERY: so I hear you want to jump on this
THEON: you have been woefully misinformed
MARGAERY: now, now, you’ll go on and hurt my feelings if you keep that up, you dashing rogue, you
THEON: look, marg, you’re a certified babe
like actually certified
or so i believed until yara finally told me that she was the one who printed said certificate as a gag gift for your birthday two years ago
but honestly who hangs a gag gift in their office??
in a GILDED GOLD FRAME no less
MARGAERY: never let it be said that the Tyrells aren’t ostentatious
THEON: literally no one would say that ever
MARGAERY: hmmm
THEON: my point is
even in my most black-out drunk days of promiscuity and other questionable behavior
i would still never’ve hit on my sister’s girlfriend
my survival instincts wouldn’t allow for it
MARGAERY: oh, pooh. ruin all my fun, why don’t you?
THEON: yes
i will
i’m a killjoy, a ruffian, an absolute lad
tell your friends
MARGAERY: now why would you want me to tell my friends such unflattering things? Yara said you wanted some love. you won’t get it by being… Like That
THEON: yara also said i was a sap
she’s made me all self-conscious
MARGAERY: awwwwwwwwww
THEON: ew
no
fuck
i don’t want to talk about this
MARGAERY: oh, but you’re in it now, bunny. go on, tell me your feelings
THEON: i don’t have any
MARGAERY: fine. be that way
THEON: i will, thanks
*
SANSA: Margaery says you’re being belligerently emotionally stunted again. What’s wrong?
THEON: fuck me i am not
SANSA: That’s a line of something.
THEON: of what, exactly?
SANSA: I’m too polite to say.
THEON: alright so
agree or disagree, then?: yara would say it’s a line of bullshit
SANSA: Yara *would* say that. And I suppose I’d be inclined to agree with her.
THEON: theeeeere it is
good show, love
SANSA: So are you going to tell me what’s wrong, then?
THEON: nothing’s wrong
i’m fine
perfectly fine
everything’s fine
SANSA: Oh, well, now that you’ve repeated yourself excessively for no apparent reason, you’ve got me convinced of your well-being.
THEON: typing…
THEON: well
good
that’s good, then
SANSA: You’re being weird today.
THEON: which is to say, i’m being completely normal
see?
nothing to worry about
SANSA: Hm. And yet I remain skeptical.
*
THEON: i can’t believe you told on me to sansa
MARGAERY: of all the unbelievable things in this world, that CANNOT be among them
MARGAERY: of course I tattled to Sansa
I want to know who it is you fancy, and Sansa can always get you to do whatever she likes. it just so happens that she likes the same things I do, so
you really should have seen this coming
THEON: god damn do NOT talk to sansa about who i fancy
MARGAERY: why not? doesn’t she know who it is? she didn’t say she did, but of course Sansa would never spill your dirty little secrets like that. you have a habit of flaunting them yourself, anyway
THEON: no she doesn’t know
there’s nothing TO know
THEON: just
don’t talk to her about it
MARGAERY: typing…
MARGAERY: oh my louis vuitton
THEON: ??
what about him
MARGAERY: one moment, please, I seem to be having a breakthrough
THEON: typing…
THEON: no
margaery
THEON: MARGAERY
*
MARGAERY: theon fancies sansa
YARA: I —
What?
Really?
MARGAERY: I’m honestly embarrassed that I never noticed before
have you ever noticed the way he looks at her?
like she’s a SNACK
YARA: Marg. Babe. Light of my life.
Sansa IS a snack.
That’s just common sense. It doesn’t mean Theon fancies her.
I don’t think my brother’s ever really fancied anybody. He hasn’t got the emotional chutzpah for it.
MARGAERY: Yara darling where has your sense of romance gone? I must say I’m appalled
YARA: Oh, please.
MARGAERY: theon is I N T O her
I’ll prove it to you
YARA: Really, Marg, I’m not fussed about it enough for you to make me another PowerPoint presentation.
MARGAERY: pardon me, mi amor but the last time I made a powerpoint it solved all of Loras and Renly’s problems
now Nana doesn’t ask leading questions about their sex life in the middle of sunday brunch
YARA: Right, now she only asks leading questions about OURS.
MARGAERY: well at least it’s a more appetizing conversation than the one about cocks
YARA: typing…
YARA: Fine.
YARA: But Theon’s an adult, alright, he can solve his own problems.
MARGAERY: no he can’t!!!!
*
THEON: you don’t happen to be with margaery rn, do you?
SANSA: Not yet, no. I’m meeting her for drinks in an hour. Want to join?
THEON: no
i don’t think you should go either
SANSA: That’s an unfortunate opinion.
THEON: look all i’m saying is
margaery’s obviously been experimenting with some new rich people drug that makes her say ludicrous things
SANSA: Alright…
THEON: don’t ellipses at me
your bff has a debilitating drug problem
this is SERIOUS
SANSA: Mhm. Are you two having a tiff?
THEON: no we are not having a TIFF
bc it’s the 21st century
we don’t have ““tiffs””
we either make passive-aggressive posts on social media or we fistfight, no in-between
SANSA: … … …
THEON: i said what i said
THEON: have fun not hanging out with margaery tonight
or in the foreseeable future
kthnxbai
*
SANSA: Theon reckons you’re on drugs.
MARGAERY: oh he DOES, does he? how fascinating
SANSA: Right. So what have you done to him?
MARGAERY: to my bunny?? I’d never do anything to him
and frankly I’m insulted that you’d suggest something so nefarious
*
MARGAERY: YOU LOVE HER
THEON: GET OUT OF HERE
*
MARGAERY: bless him, he wants to m a r r y her
YARA: What
MARGAERY: this is too delicious. hold pls. must call in reinforcements
YARA: Yeah, I’ll hold. I need to pop half a pack of paracetamol to stave off the stress headache, anyway.
MARGAERY TYRELL added ARYA STARK to the chat
ARYA: what the hell is going on
YARA: My brother and your sister, apparently.
Which I’m still not quite getting, by the way.
I love Theon, but… he’s an idiot.
ARYA: all men are idiots
it’s like a whole thing
i mean
you’ve both met gendry
gendry’s a fool
but he’s still, y’know #WorthIt
MARGAERY: that’s adorable but beside the point
ARYA: oi fuck you
MARGAERY: whatever you’re basically an old married woman you’re no longer interesting
ARYA: okay fair
so what’s up
YARA: To quote myself: ‘My brother and your sister, apparently.’
ARYA: no need for the fuckin sass
YARA: Excuse me, I just feel outrageously unheard.
MARGAERY: ‘theon and sansa sittin in a tree’
ARYA: sansa would never sit in a tree
trees are filthy
you think my queen of a sister is going to spoil her designer leggings just to snog some bloke in a tree when she’s got a HOME???
ARYA: but if this is about how theon fancies my sister…
yeah i already knew that
MARGAERY: DISH, BISH
ARYA: ???? what’s there to dish?? i thought it was dead obvious
YARA: EXPLAIN
ARYA: ugh hold on
ARYA STARK added BRAN STARK to the chat
BRAN: How can I help?
ARYA: what the fuck bran
don’t make it weird
BRAN: You only ever add me to group chats when you want something from me. So excuuuuuuse me for assuming.
ARYA: so anyway i’m gonna ignore your fuckin attitude
now tell everyone about how theon’s hot for sansa
MARGAERY: yes pls
YARA: No one’s asking the real question here, though, which is: Is all this really worth it?
MARGAERY: shut your hot mouth, Yara, I wanna know!!!!!!
BRAN: Of course Theon’s ‘hot for’ Sansa. He can be vulnerable with her without fear of judgment. She takes care of him emotionally, the way she does everyone, but it makes him want to take care of her, too. He owes it to her, without feeling like she’s demanding that he fulfill his end of the bargain. Because this isn’t a relationship that’s predicated on give-and-take the same way that both of their past relationships have. Sansa was always the giver, and Theon never really knew his role because all of his liaisons were purely sexual in nature and, as he’s matured, he’s found that’s not what he’s looking for anymore. So it becomes a case of being in ‘the right place at the right time’ — which, to the romantic, speaks to the powers of fate, as Sansa and Theon reentered one another’s orbits precisely when they needed each other most.
YARA: typing…
MARGAERY: typing…
ARYA: typing…
BRAN: In conclusion, it’s only natural — as well as fateful, perhaps — that Sansa and Theon would be…
Sigh.
I don’t want to keep saying that they’re ‘hot for’ each other, but I suppose that’s the world in which we now live.
YARA: W h a t
MARGAERY: what are you majoring in, sex therapy????
BRAN: Psychology and philosophy.
ARYA: NERD
but also yeah that all tracks
*
YARA: Bran just psychoanalyzed your thirst for Sansa in the group chat, so reckon it’s safe to say you’re completely fucked, little brother.
THEON: excuse me
what
WHAT GROUP CHAT
*
THEON: people you should never get drinks with or be in general contact with ever again:
margaery (duh she’s on drugs)
my sister (insensitive)
YOUR sister (has absolutely killed a man before i’m sure of it)
bran
SANSA: What’s wrong with Bran??
THEON: IDK
JUST IN CASE
SANSA: Bran and I have a bi-monthly Saturday lunch that consists almost entirely of mimosas, extravagant fruit platters, and a three-hour discussion of what’s wrong with the rest of you. And if you think I’m about to give that up for any reason whatsoever, then YOU’RE the one who’s on mind-altering drugs.
THEON: WOMAN
I AM NOT MESSING AROUND WITH YOU
SANSA: Don’t call me ‘woman,’ we’ve talked about this.
THEON: fine
‘your most excellent majesty’
I AM NOT MESSING AROUND WITH YOU
SANSA: Well, now you’re just being patronizing.
*
THEON: whatever you’re doing please for the love of god STOP
BRAN: I’m only doing what’s asked of me and what is necessary.
THEON: are you high?????
BRAN: That is neither here nor there.
*
ARYA: this is like
so dumb
and i really don’t have time for it so
theon fancies you and he’s having like an entire episode about it
SANSA: typing…
SANSA: Sorry, what?
ARYA: um read it again??
i’m not retyping the same shite just bc it’s your turn to have a crisis about it
ps i love you dearly with all my heart tho
i’ve just lost my patience with everyone else
SANSA: I love you just the same, but you’re right. Crisis mode activated.
ARYA: text marg she lives for this
*
SANSA: SOS
MARGAERY: ‘save our sansa’
SANSA: Theon???????
MARGAERY: no I’m margaery
SANSA: YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN
MARGAERY: I do I just don’t appreciate your tone
SANSA STARK added YARA GREYJOY to the chat
SANSA: HELP ME
YARA: Oh, fuck me, this is mad.
YARA GREYJOY added THEON GREYJOY to the chat
THEON: WHY
YARA: Cat’s out of the bag, and I’m out of this chat. Let’s go, Marg.
MARGAERY: oh but I want to watch!!!
YARA: … :|
MARGAERY: FINE
good luck, bunny
@Sansa take screenshots!!!
MARGAERY TYRELL left the chat
YARA GREYJOY left the chat
SANSA: typing…
THEON: typing…
SANSA: So.
THEON: yeah
THEON: >LINK: Tiffany: “I Think We’re Alone Now”<
SANSA: Omg. Cheeky.
THEON: i’m freaking the fuck out so like can you blame me
honestly
you should see my inbox rn
it’s been… this whole thing, san
that i probably started and then somehow the conversation really got away from me bc i’m an idiot and i just
i don’t know how to keep making excuses for myself at this point
and this day has been a whole thing about me jumping through hoops and backtracking on what i’ve said just to protect myself from really showing off what an utter arse i am and i don’t think i can keep it up anymore
SANSA: Why do you need to make excuses at all?
THEON: idk
because i feel this way and i probably shouldn’t bc it’s pointless and i’m not good enough
SANSA: Don’t say that. You know you’re not supposed to say things like that. It’s not remotely true. You’ve always been good enough, for whatever it is that you want; it’s just that you’ve never believed that.
THEON: i do believe it. for some things
but this is a whole other… //thing//
it’s
fuck
it’s you, right? i don’t think i’ll ever believe that i’m good enough for you
SANSA: I don’t know how to make you believe otherwise.
But what if *I* think you’re good enough?
What if I want you, anyway?
THEON: typing…
THEON: typing…
THEON: wait
really?
SANSA: You’ve seen me at my worst and never once tried to use that against me.
THEON: that’s not exactly a tall order love
the bar cannot possibly be that low
SANSA: It’s not, honestly, it’s more like… When you know someone’s right for you, you just know it, don’t you? I used to think I knew it, but even then it wasn’t about the person I was with, it was about what they represented in my grand life plan. And I was always so, so wrong, because in the end they just threw my plan right off the rails, and you were the person who got me back on track. You were there right when I needed you.
SANSA: And it feels so ridiculous to confess all this via text, but I’m afraid if I tried it any other way that I’d be rendered suddenly tongue-tied and I’d never get the chance to tell you how I feel. So I suppose this whole mess of group chats and whatever else I missed happened just the way it had to, for me to tell you anything at all.
THEON: can i take you out?
i mean
i’d like to
i’ve got a whole mess of things i want to tell you too, and i think i’d fuck them up no matter how i did it, but maybe one look at my stupid wistful face will make up for any words i’m bound to trip over
SANSA: You’ve never been bad with words.
THEON: you get me in a whole other way, love
so
what d’you say?
SANSA: I say tomorrow, noonish? White Harbor’s been taken over by tourists, which you know is always fit for a laugh.
THEON: i’ll meet you there, with bells on and coffee waiting, the whole nine
SANSA: You sure know how to show a girl a good time, don’t you?
THEON: lol dunno about that
but i’m hoping i know how to show one to you
*
YARA: You really looked ““fundamentally unlovable”” when I caught you kissing Sansa on the beach earlier.
TROLLOP.
THEON: rather a trollop than a VOYEUR
were you spying??
tf you mean, you CAUGHT me??
YARA: Obviously. After the chaotic turn my DMs took yesterday thanks to you, of course I’m going to spy on you to make sure I never have to endure this again.
MARGAERY: I for one am ecstatic
I even took a grainy photograph to showcase at your wedding
THEON: oh good, margaery’s here and she’s being a fuckin creep
ARYA: i don’t know what i’m doing here
i already knew everything
BRAN: Because \I/ told you.
ARYA: braggadocious much?????
BRAN: Not half as much as I deserve to be, tbh.
But go off, I guess.
THEON GREYJOY added SANSA STARK to the chat
ARYA: NO don’t add sansa we’re all being embarrassing!!!!!!!
SANSA: Oh, please, I’ve seen all of you do karaoke when you’re drunk on margaritas. The group chat’s the least of my concerns.
THEON: i wasn’t about to go through this alone
ARYA: whatever theon we’ve all seen your drunken one-man rendition of ‘summer lovin’ and for some reason my sister still deigns to be seen with you in public
so like what’s your point
YARA: Ziiiiiiiiing.
*
THEON: idk what my point was
but i think we should block all of their numbers
like a couple’s bonding activity
SANSA: Or, alternatively, you could come to Saturday lunch with Bran and me. You can’t participate in the conversation, because we’re very self-involved because we’ve earned it, but the bottomless mimosas should keep you busy.
THEON: deal
SANSA: Brilliant. I’ll consider that a binding verbal contract, and now I’d like to add that my mother will be attending this week, too.
THEON: typing…
SANSA: We’ll just tell her that it was Robb who acted of his own volition and detonated a dozen eggs in the microwave at 2am on a Thursday that one time in secondary school, shall we?
THEON: IT *WAS* ROBB
SANSA: That’s the spirit, darling. xx