Chapter Text
Goro Akechi ran a hand through his perfectly-styled hair. He surreptitiously checked his reflection in a spoon. He waited for someone to walk into the café where he worked full-time and fall in love with him.
“Hey, Akechi, can you change the filter in the machine?” came the voice of his coworker, Sakamoto, who Goro considered to be an irrelevant side character in his life.
Goro gritted his teeth before replying with a smile. “Don’t you think you’d be the one more suited to carrying out menial tasks, due to your diminished cognitive capacity?”
“Huh?” Sakamoto said. He was somehow so thickheaded that he managed to avoid susceptibility to Goro’s subtle psychological manipulation and carefully crafted insults. It was revolting.
It was a cold day, and a rainstorm was happening outside. Goro had just begun to accept that the day would likely be customer-free when without warning, the door swung open in a gust of wind.
A man stood in the entrance, dripping water all over the floor like an animal. He was completely soaked and was not wearing clothing that could even remotely be considered weather-appropriate. Goro gaped for a second before flattening his expression into a neutral customer-service smile.
“Hey,” the man said, smiling pleasantly, before Goro could politely ask him if he wanted to buy anything. He appeared to be addressing Sakamoto.
“Hey, Ren!” Sakamoto said. He turned to Goro. “This is Ren, my best friend.”
“Hm,” said Goro, who regarded all information given to him by Sakamoto as suspect until definitively proven.
Sakamoto’s eyes widened as he looked at Ren. “Dude, you’re soaked. ”
"Yup," said “Ren”. He added reflectively, "It's cold outside."
"Hell yeah it is," Ryuji said. "Why don't you have a coat?"
"Oh, Ryuji," the man ostensibly named Ren said, laughing wisely. He laughed wisely for about another minute until he stopped abruptly. He did not say why he had no coat. "Okay, well, I'm just going to sit here." He pulled out a chair from the closest table.
"Cool,” said Ryuji, returning to diligently wiping down the counter.
"Not so fast,” Goro said.
“Huh?” Ren, if that was even his real name, tilted his head idiotically.
Goro smiled pleasantly. “If you’re going to be here, custom dictates that you buy something.”
“Ah,” Ren (a possible alias) said, leaning back in his chair. He smiled knowingly. “I see just what’s going on here. What’s your name?”
“...Akechi,” said Goro.
“Akechi,” said the man whose name could not be clearly ascertained from the information available. “Akechi, Akechi, Akechi. You see, the thing about what you just said is that it is a very good point. Really great.”
“I didn’t think it was that great,” said Sakamoto.
“But you see,” the strange man continued, “I am extremely broke. Like, insane levels of broke. I have no money. None. So I think I’m just going to wait out this storm here, if you don’t mind.”
“I do mind,” Goro said, glaring.
“Huh?” the rando said again.
"I don't respect freeloaders,” said Goro, who had been fired from his last office job for systematically embezzling money in order to purchase expensive skincare products. "If you’re running short on cash there are plenty of employment opportunities available for an able man such as yourself. Why don’t you seek some out and then return here?’
“Hey, why don’t you–” Sakamoto raged, but the man whose name could be anything held up a hand to stop him.
“Now just hold on. You’re not really saying I need money to come here.”
“That is extremely what I am saying,” said Goro.
“You’re saying,” he continued, ignoring him, “that I need to raise my charm stat.”
“Untrue,” said Goro.
“And I think,” the nameless wonder announced, standing up, “that when I do, I can convince you to give me coffee. For free.”
“Never happening,” said Goro.
“Great! Then it’s on. I’m going to go work on my master plan to become someone you won’t be able to resist lavishing in free stuff. Bye for now!” Though the storm was still raging, he headed for the door.
“Stop,” Goro ordered.
“What?” The mystery man turned around.
“...Let me see your ID.”
“Oh. Okay, I guess.” “Ren” retrieved his wallet and handed it over. Goro examined the plastic card. Sure enough, REN AMAMIYA was written on it.
“An excellent forgery,” Goro murmured.
“What?” Ren said. “That’s my real ID.”
"Fine, Ren,” Goro said, cutting his eyes at him. He’d play along.
The next day Ren came in again. It was not raining, so he was not wet, and he had clearly made an effort to look presentable. Not that Goro cared.
“Hello,” Goro said. “What can I get for you today? In exchange for money?”
“I would like…” Ren paused. “A cup of water.”
“That’s free, y’know!” Sakamoto said, poking his head out from the kitchen. “Can’t charge for it. Company rules.”
“Fine,” Goro said thinly. He poured the requisite cup and set it on the counter with barely-restrained force. “Here.”
“Thank you,” Ren said, giving him a warm, genuine smile. Goro blinked and looked away to prepare a pot of coffee. There were no customers, but in the absence of any other substances Goro thought he could use the boost himself.
Ren stared at him for a few moments in contemplative silence.
“Are you going to say something?” Goro said abruptly.
"I don't know," Ren admitted. "I was thinking about making a crude sexual joke but you keep casually moving that hot pot of coffee closer and it's making me feel like I may be in danger of severe burns. Hey, could I get a cup?”
“Do you have money?”
“No…”
“Then get out.”
"I regret to inform you that I am here again and I still don't have money so I'm gonna continue to need water," said Ren the day after that, entering the café with a solemn look on his face.
Goro wordlessly poured some water into a cup.
“Or coffee,” Ren said hopefully. “If you’ve got it.”
Goro opened his mouth to yell, but before he could, he was struck with inspiration. He composed himself and smiled. “Actually, I believe I have just the thing for you.”
“Really?” Ren perked up.
“Really. One moment.” Goro took the glass of water into the back and reached for a bag of beans on a shelf. Carefully, he opened it and held out his hand before shaking a single bean onto his palm. After returning the bag to its place, he returned to Ren. “Here you go,” Goro announced. He dropped the bean into the cup and put it on the counter.
Ren stared at the solitary bean, floating in the water.
“It’s a new blend of ours,” Goro said cordially.
That day, Ren left the coffee shop a broken man.
But a mere day later, he’d returned. And this iteration of Ren was enough to make Goro stop in his tracks.
“Why?” Goro demanded, after a moment of silence.
“Why not?” Ren said flippantly, smoothing down the folds of the tuxedo he was very loudly wearing. “Don’t I look nice?”
Goro started to say “yes” automatically but managed to disguise it as a hacking cough. “Your choice of clothing is of no interest to me. I only care if you have money. To pay. For the food or drink that we sell .”
"Well," said Ren, "my plan was to just walk in here wearing a tuxedo and impress you. In my vision you would say something like ‘God, Ren, you’re so hot, you can have all the coffee you want for free and also my body’. So just feel free to say that at any time. I’ll wait.”
Goro had so much to say that he sputtered a little, but he decided on a single question in reply. “How, do you have enough money to rent a tuxedo, but not to buy a single cup of coffee?!”
“Oh,” Ren said. “I traded for this.”
“You… traded? ”
“Yeah. You know, at a clothes swap. Everyone’s doing it now. It’s the next big thing.”
“Please leave,” Goro said.
“So…” Ren looked down at the suit and then back up at Goro. “Is this not doing anything for you, or–”
“Get out. ”
The morning after that Ren brought a cat into the café. It was a small gray kitten. It meowed adorably. Both Ren and the cat looked at Goro with adoring, trusting eyes.
Goro shifted uncomfortably but held firm. “No pets are allowed, I’m afraid. Take your cat outside.”
"This cat is not mine alone," Ren replied. "This cat belongs to the people of Japan."
"Please tell the people of Japan to take the cat outside," said Goro.
Ren frowned. "I don't have the means to hold a national referendum."
The cat purred.
"Well, I'd ask that it leave as a favor, because I happen to be allergic to cats," Goro said, lying.
Ren seemed to wilt. “Really?”
"Yes,” Goro said, but he hesitated. Still, rules were rules. “Yes, and it’s a particularly bad allergy so I suggest you leave as soon as possible.”
“Oh,” Ren said. He looked extremely downcast. “Okay. I wouldn’t want you to suffer.”
“Thank you,” Goro said stiffly.
Ren slowly turned away. He took a step towards the door. He took another step.
Goro bit his lip. "Wait."
Ren turned around, looking at him hopefully.
Goro groaned. "I… never mind. It can stay.”
“Great!” Ren grinned widely and came towards the counter. “In that case, the usual, please.”
Goro began to pour out a cup of water, but stopped suddenly. “Can I ask you something?”
“Anything,” Ren said.
“If I finally make you a cup of coffee, will you go away?”
“Yes!” Ren said, grinning again. He considered. “Well, for today.”
Goro sighed. “Fine. Then...I will make you one cup.”
Ren’s eyes shone with hope. “Really?”
“Yes. Shut up. Sit down.” Ren obediently sat down on a stool by the counter. The cat bounded out of his arms and curled up in a corner.
As Goro prepared the coffee, he felt a strange tenseness come over him. Something made him feel as if this cup of coffee would be one of the most significant creations of his life. It was as if he could feel the influence of the nine Muses guiding his hand as he grinded the beans or whatever it is you do to make coffee.
At long last, he’d finished. He slowly brought the cup over to Ren and set it down. “There you go. One cup of our house blend.”
“Thank you,” Ren said, a little teary. “Thank you so much. I really am so–”
“Just drink it.”
Ren raised the cup to his lips. He closed his eyes. He took a sip.
Then he looked at Goro.
"Akechi," Ren breathed.
Goro swallowed. "Yes?"
"This coffee..." Ren bit his lip, his face flushed. “It…”
"Yes?” Goro said, leaning forward, heart racing, knuckles white as his hands gripped the counter.
“It…” Ren looked at him, affection in his eyes. "...really sucks. Like it's just seriously not good. Is this why there’s never anyone else in here?"
And it was then that Ren was banned from the coffee shop forever. Later, he crowdfunded enough money online to buy a Keurig. Goro did not contribute a single cent.