A Revelation 23 Years In The Making

Roxy Lalonde's sudden and unexpected announcement jostled something in John Egbert, who is now left with questions he's not sure he wants answers to. Roxy Lalonde reflects on their recent decision, the fallout that it brought to their life, and the events leading up to it.

Takes place roughly one month before the events of The Ink Black Appendices

Notes:

I highly recommend you read this on your desktop computer just because the sheer width of this fic is kind of insane. If you want to attempt using your phone, you should use landscape mode, but there are things I know don't work with it, and I don't intend to fix them. I also recommend turning off your site skin if you're using one. this fic does not take into consideration any site skins, and therefore they will likely break it. If any of this fic looks particularly weird (eg chunks of text just completely missing) try Using Chrome!

Chapter 1: A Conversation Long Overdue | An Evening, Interrupted

Notes:

Thanks to Rhys for beta reading this clusterfuck, and Sam for giving me advice on the CSS formatting.

Chapter Text

John Egbert sits in the bedroom of his childhood home, lying on top of the bed that's maybe a little bit too small for him, wearing the same oversized hoodie and baggy sweatpants that he had been wearing for six days in a row. He is procrastinating. He had promised Rose that he would message Roxy three days ago. Rose’s exact wording had been: “You know, the person you should really talk to regarding the topic you’re about to try to discuss with me, is Roxy” Which was a suitably Lalondian obfuscation of “Stop hiding from Roxy, John. Stop running from your problems and face them head on.” It was good advice. Roxy Lalonde, for the record, has just finished cleaning up after a relaxing dinner with his adorable partner Calliope, and is about to settle down within his living room’s comfy couch to read a nice book. He's feeling content, happier than he's been in months. Maybe that's because he finally blocked Dirk's number on his phone, so he cant receive any more of his... "rhetoric". That's definitely at least part of it. The last person on his mind was John Egbert. That is, of course, until his phone vibrates in his back pocket. John Egbert, however, rarely takes good advice without putting up a fight. Or, these days, a mope, which he had successfully been doing up until about five minutes ago. The procrastinating was only succeeding in him more anxious, and he'd been trying to draft a message to Roxy--something long and meaningful, something that shows he's at least making an effort. He stares at his phone and deletes the long rambling draft he has been writing. Before he can change his mind, he sends them a short text.

JOHN: roxy?
JOHN: are you like, available to talk
ROXY: yea wats up
JOHN: i've just been....
JOHN: fuck, i dunno.
JOHN: thinking a lot.
JOHN: ever since you came out i've been feeling really weird?
ROXY: oh shit
ROXY: hang on can we continue this convo in like 5 mins i wasnt it expectin to b like
ROXY: uh
ROXY: abt this ig. i wanna give it my full attention
JOHN: oh! yeah sure take your time
ROXY: ty!! sorry johnbert, i promise thisll take like 5 mins.


John gulps, closing his eyes and tilting his head toward the ceiling of his childhood bedroom. He isn’t really sure where he plans on going with this. He feels weird. Roxy's coming out was sudden, and it had jostled something inside of him he couldn't put a finger on, in a way he couldn't possibly begin to describe. He'd been avoiding Roxy for weeks. Every time he saw her—wait, him, sorry—the... urgency? The fear? Whatever implacable, unknowable, terrifying emotion it was--it gripped him whenever he saw them. But avoiding Roxy hadn’t been helping, that feeling was just growing stronger. He just keeps feeling worse, and he doesn’t know why. He feels so... angry. The room is so empty. The gentle silence of the consort village feels, at this moment, anything but reassuring. The quiet hum of cicadas serves only to underscore how totally alone he finds himself in this moment. In the almost silence His phone buzzes. He hesitates a moment, gathering his thoughts, before finally reading Roxy's message.		Roxy sighs, locking his phone. He really wasn't expecting John to message him, and, if he's being totally honest, he's not looking forward to the conversation. Calliope, who is lounging upside down on a sofa to his left, notices the deflated noise coming from their partner and furrows their bony brow. Roxy whispers a silent "im fine dw bb" to the cherub, then stands up. Hell, there's a chance John might even apologize? Roxy sighs again, remembering how he thought the same thing about Dirk and Jane. And that certainly wasn't how those conversations went. He steps out onto the balcony of the apartment. The cool breeze tousles his hair, and the muffled sound of the city below eases his mind a little. After a lifetime of growing up isolated, the nighttime bustle of the carapacian capital does wonders to put Roxy’s mind at ease. He flicks his finger against the phone, unlocking it, and sends John a message.

ROXY: ok yo hey im here
ROXY: this sounds important, sup
JOHN: i don't really know.
JOHN: like i said, i've been feeling really really weird lately?
JOHN: and i hate it and i don't know why its happening.
JOHN: like, everyone else seems to be, well.
JOHN: really excited for you.
JOHN: well, some seem to be ironically supportive... or downright rude.
ROXY: ugh can we pls not talk about those two
ROXY: seriously i thought out of anyone janey would have been like excited r sumthing for me.
JOHN: i thought you said you didn't want to talk about them?
ROXY: rite sorry this is u time. shoot im listening
JOHN: right anyway,
JOHN: im sorry. i feel so selfish but...
JOHN: you know how i've been avoiding you for like three weeks?
ROXY: yeah dude i thought u were like, in the dirkjane traitor camp
ROXY: dave swore up and down that ud come around but
ROXY: i wasnt so sure
JOHN: yeah well, i was avoiding you for a reason roxy.
JOHN: seeing you out there.... being like, a guy?
JOHN: i don't understand why but it made me mad.
JOHN: i was so angry at you. not for like, whatever bullshit reason jane won't talk to you.
JOHN: i don't feel like? offended or scared of you ha ha ha.
JOHN: maybe it's more like, jealousy?
JOHN: but that doesn't make sense? it doesn't feel right.
JOHN: i feel like? annoyed?
JOHN: like, i don't know, you got to be a girl, why would you throw that way?
JOHN: i mean, i'm not trans gender or whatever.
ROXY: the word ur looking for is cisgender btw
JOHN: ok yeah whatever.
JOHN: i just...
JOHN: i would have killed to like...
JOHN: i don't want to sound inconsiderate because i definitely like, accept and respect your decision to, like, do this stuff.
JOHN: but,
JOHN: i can't understand why you're throwing it away?
JOHN: i can't understand why you wouldn't want...
JOHN: wouldn't want to...
ROXY: hey john?
ROXY: not to commandeer ur like, completely unnecessary judgement of my life choices 4 a moment r anything
ROXY: but have u considered like
ROXY: asking me why i decided to do this?


John falters mid-message. He hadn't, actually. It hadn't occurred to him to ask Roxy about something like that. He picks himself up off his bed and moves to exit his room. Something about having this conversation here feels wrong to him. For not the first time since arriving on Earth C, he feels like a stranger in his own house. He walks down the stairs to the first floor of his too large, too empty house and glances around, noticing how much of a mess it’s become in the seven years it’s been here. Dust covers every surface, coating the harlequins and jesters that decorate the house. Trash lies cluttered around a far-too-full bin, and clumps of dust and dirt gather at the corner of every room he passes. He promises himself, for what is probably not the first time, that tomorrow he will clean up the place. Stepping out into the quiet, still nighttime air, he takes a deep breath before closing the door behind him. He sits down on the stoop of his house, debating continuing the conversation when the phone in his back pocket staccato vibrates as about two dozen messages from Roxy flood his inbox.		Roxy lets out a breath he didn’t realize he’s been holding. The sigh forms a faint cloud in the chilly evening weather. This is not at all the conversation he was expecting to have--especially not with John, of all people. From inside, the muffled sound of Calliope closing the front door of the apartment behind them reaches Roxy’s ears. He briefly wonders where they could be going at this time of night, but the conversation with John seems just a little more urgent to him. Roxy waits a second. John still hasn't responded, and for some reason that frustrates him. Maybe if John just listened for a second, he’d understand. Something about John's wording picks at Roxy’s mind. Roxy doesn't want to get his hopes up, but... maybe if he explains his own experience with gender, John will start to connect some dots. Roxy’s heart is beating heavily now as a sudden, unplaceable sense of urgency fills him. He begins tapping away at the phone. ROXY: ok so

ROXY: all my life i felt out of place
ROXY: i grew up alone
ROXY: i mean yea i had the chess guys
ROXY: but their not exactly great conversation u kno
ROXY: i felt
ROXY: wrong, my whole fucking life
ROXY: u know that i like
ROXY: hit on dirk every day for like 2 years?
ROXY: i really didnt understand at the time
ROXY: i felt so like
ROXY: insanely stupid jealous of his moronic flat ass
ROXY: i didnt just want to fuck him
ROXY: tho that was def part of it lmao?
ROXY: i wanted to b him
ROXY: so badly it was all caught up in knots w how i felt about him as a person
ROXY: i hated myself
ROXY: wow, idk if i ever said that out loud before
ROXY: but i did
ROXY: n i guess i still sorta do
ROXY: i hate my stupid tits n my overwide fucking truck hips
ROXY: for a while i overcompensated for it or sumthing
ROXY: dont get me wrong I absolutely can and will still rock a skirt r dress
ROXY: and of course then the game happened n
ROXY: i sorta got distracted u kno
ROXY: havin like, some vague destiny purposey type thing helped distract from
ROXY: the crushin self hate i didnt even kno i was feelin
ROXY: and i always admired mom
ROXY: i felt like

JOHN: like if you got to meet her again things would make sense?
JOHN: is that right?
ROXY: ...
JOHN: like if you could have one little conversation you'd have some major epiphany about like, the right way to grow up?
JOHN: because you grew up wrong?
JOHN: because some where, in between all the dying again and again and spending three years with a sister you didn't even know you'd had and trying to make a new universe,
JOHN: you fucked up irreparably and can never fix it.
JOHN: and if maybe i could,
JOHN: like, if you had a chance to talk to him you'd figure out what you were doing wrong?
JOHN: like, maybe he'd tell you the secret to, how to wear a suit without feeling like an idiot buffoon.

ROXY: i dont think were talkin abt me n my mom anymore
JOHN: yeah sorry roxy god forbid i not make it about you for a second.
ROXY: yo wtf john

JOHN: just shut up a second?
JOHN: like seriously oh my god?!
JOHN: i am really mad right now and i don't really understand why?
JOHN: like i'm actually freaking out?

ROXY: ok yo do u need me to call like rose or someone to come see u? u sound like ur having a rough time?
JOHN: GOD NO SHUT UP I'M TRYING TO FIGURE THIS OUT?
JOHN: IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!
JOHN: NONE OF IT MAKES ANY FUCKING SENSE.
JOHN: I DID IT ALL RIGHT!
JOHN: I SAVED THE TIMELINE!!
ROXY: john hey calm down
JOHN: I SAVED ALL MY FRIENDS!!
JOHN: HELL I SAVED ALL YOUR FRIENDS TOO!!
JOHN: WE'RE HERE ON EARTH C! WE'RE THE FUCKING GODS OF EARTH C!
JOHN: SO WHY DO I STILL HATE ME?
JOHN: AND WHY DO I FEEL JEALOUS OF YOU?
JOHN: I LOVED YOU ROXY?

ROXY: ok wtf is that supposed to mean?


Roxy shivers as the wind picks up, dropping the temperature by several degrees. He debates closing the phone and returning to his apartment. He doesn't need this right now. He thinks back to the brief, three-month period after Sburb where they had tried to make it work. He remembers how they broke it off—messily—and he remembers John shouting those same words the day they broke up. Roxy’s heart grows cold. Maybe he was too eager to believe that John was like him. Or maybe John wasn't intentionally being a piece of shit. Maybe he was being his usual oblivious, hurtful self. The same person that would ghost him for almost three whole months. The thought doesn’t make Roxy feel much better. His phone buzzes with John’s rebuttal, and he tries to not look. He tries to just put the phone in his back pocket and go inside. He fails.		John’s breathing comes frantic and quick, and he finds himself breathlessly pacing in his driveway, typing furiously at his phone. A cold fear grips his heart as the conversation continues. Anxiety and anger and confusion swirl in him. He kicks off from the ground and shoots up into the sky. He can't remember the last time he flew, but hanging three hundred feet above his house and feeling his own weightlessness while the breeze around him gently tousles his hair, cozying up against him like an old friend--he feels calmer. He takes a look at the message he had just sent and frowns. Looking again, it makes him wince. For a miraculous instant, John finds himself graced with a rare modicum of self-awareness. The last message he sent looks... bad. He should probably apologize.

JOHN: i'm sorry i know i sound like an ass hole right now but,
JOHN: i loved you so much i wanted to be you!
ROXY: u barely fucking knew
ROXY: hang on lmao ur not fucking w me r u
ROXY: bc
ROXY: this wud be a rlly shitty fucking time to start pranking again
JOHN: no god im not fucking pranking you.
JOHN: and to be honest that would be a pretty shitty prank.
ROXY: k ur right there. it wud be an astoundingly shitty joke lmao
JOHN: yeah, ha ha ha.
JOHN: i don't really remember why i stopped doing pranks.
JOHN: was i like, just in a hurry to grow up?
ROXY: john maybe we shld go back to what u were talkin abt before?
JOHN: what about me loving you? sorry roxy but that moment sort of passed when you decided to be a guy and i'm not gay.
ROXY: john omg i love u but sumtimes ur dumb as bricks
JOHN: what?

JOHN: oh are you talking about me saying i wanted to be you?
JOHN: i.
JOHN: that's different.
JOHN: no offense roxy but...
JOHN: im not.
JOHN: like you.
ROXY: just say the word john
JOHN: what, trans gender?

ROXY: technically nonbinary but thats not the point
JOHN: roxy i'm sorry i just don't see what that has to do with me feeling weird and... angry at you for no good reason.
ROXY: john can i just ask u a question straight up for a second?
ROXY: and can u just answer me like honestly?
ROXY: why r u mad at me?
JOHN: i...
ROXY: is it really that ur frustrated with me for... deciding to transition r whtevr
JOHN: no!
JOHN: well, not really.
JOHN: its just like...
JOHN: i don't understand why... i have to be the normal one?
JOHN: rose and kanaya look so happy together.
JOHN: and dave and karkat.
JOHN: and you and calliope.
JOHN: and i mean.
JOHN: hell roxy you look happier now than i've seen you since we beat sburb
JOHN: i'm not sure why i got stuck being the... i dunno. the normal one?
ROXY: john were u even listening to me earlier?
ROXY: thats not how this works
ROXY: can i ask u another question
JOHN: yeah? i guess?
ROXY: wud u rather b a girl?
JOHN: ...
JOHN: i mean.
JOHN: i don't know how to answer that question.
ROXY: omg its a simple y/n question
ROXY: swear on my hrt (lmao i meant heart but also my hrt too) im not pulling any strilondey mindgame tricks on u
ROXY: s just a question
JOHN: in that case, yeah? i guess?
ROXY: alright cool
ROXY: tht clears sum stuff up for me at least
JOHN: huh?
ROXY: no offence john but u have not exactly been the most considerate friend to me lately
ROXY: n even during this conversation u havent rlly apologized for it?
ROXY: i mean ur doin a lot of thinking i think abt some p tricky topics
ROXY: n i think im totes fr sure positive on the whole situation ur dealing with
ROXY: n i think i can help
ROXY: but an apology for bein kinda rude to me over the past few weeks wud be greatly appreciated
JOHN: i...
JOHN: you're right. i'm really sorry for being so rude to you recently,
JOHN: even during this talk i bet
ROXY: yea kinda
JOHN: shit, i'm sorry. i apologize for being terrible to you and avoiding you and not really listening to what you have to say, even during this conversation.
ROXY: hmm
JOHN: hmm?
ROXY: p weaksauce apology all things considered egbert but i forgive u
JOHN: ok?
ROXY: n for that apology u also get (for the additional price of free) access to all of my most wise n transgenderly insights.
JOHN: thanks, i guess??
JOHN: i don't really see how that will help me?
ROXY: john egbert ur so thick
JOHN: wow. now who's being rude?
ROXY: lmao fair fair srry bout that.
ROXY: i guess what im saying is
ROXY: isnt there just a tiny chance
ROXY: an itty bitty teensy chance
ROXY: that you might not b a guy?

JOHN: no?
JOHN: that doesn't make any sense i think i'd know if i secretly was a girl or something?!
JOHN: i mean that isn't how this works!
JOHN: you don't just get to decide you aren't a guy anymore?
ROXY: *raises eyebrow in a meaningful type way*
ROXY: (the meaningful way being the implication of the fact that i just went n did the same thing except backwards in case u didnt get it)
JOHN: yeah but you're trans.
JOHN: im not.
ROXY: ok then what makes u different from me?
ROXY: what makes u so sure ur cis?
JOHN: well... if i was trans gender i would know, right?
ROXY: i didnt kno til like a month n a half ago
JOHN: ok but like i would have done things in the past that were obviously trans
ROXY: like fall in love with a girl because u wanted to b her?
ROXY: like feeling rlly uncomfy when u started growing beardhair n resolve to shave it off evry day so u don't have to think abt it

JOHN: hey that one doesn't count! my father always taught me that a true gentleman keeps his face clean of any unsightly blemishes or facial hair.
ROXY: convenient excuse to not have to grapple w how much better u feel with ur face smooth

JOHN: roxy stop, i... i don't under stand why but this line of questioning is making me feel really weird and i don't like it.
JOHN: i'm feeling really stressed out actually.

ROXY: k fine lemme ask u another question
JOHN: i'm beginning to hate your questions, roxy.
ROXY: tough shit u started this conversation n now were in it for the long haul
ROXY: whats it take to b transgender?
JOHN: i... i dunno? don't you have to like feel trans gender or something?
ROXY: nah legit all u gotta want is to be different then who u are
ROXY: thats it
ROXY: lets say i somehow manage to use my voidy magics to conjure up a potion tht let u instantly turn into a girl n nobody wud remember that u were ever a boy
ROXY: wud u drink it?
JOHN: can you really do that?
ROXY: lmao no john its a hypothetical u dummy
JOHN: oh....
JOHN: well i mean, if it were real.
JOHN: it sure sounds nice.
ROXY: ye i wouldnt mind having one to get rid of my titties u kno

JOHN: wait.
JOHN: stop, hold on.
JOHN: sorry, roxy i feel like i’m having an anxiety attack?

ROXY: that doesn't surprise me at all rly lmao
ROXY: it seems to me like ur on the cusp of makin a pretty earthshattering revelation.
ROXY: the sorta one that kinda shatters everything u know about urself
ROXY: ive been there
JOHN: BUT I'M NOT LIKE YOU!
ROXY: rllly? how so? name the ways
ROXY: bc if its hard for u i can draft up a list of all the ways were exactly the same.
JOHN: I'M NOT TRANS!
JOHN: I’M NOT!
ROXY: hey john about 70 messages back u said outright that u would rather b a girl
ROXY: n about 120 messages ago i said that i rlly wanted to be a boy back when i thought i was a girl
JOHN: ...
ROXY: gender is bullshit john.
ROXY: it turns out u can just b a boy if u wanna
ROXY: or in ur case, u can just be a girl
JOHN: ... no?
ROXY: whos gonna tell us otherwise dude? we made this universe!
ROXY: we get to make the rules
ROXY: n if it means i have 2 b the god of gender bullshit to have the authority to declare that it doesnt exist
ROXY: well then just call me roxy lalonde, rogue of void n seer of gendery nonsense
ROXY: bc gender is fake john
ROXY: the only one stopping u from being the girl u always wanted to be
ROXY: is u


Roxy takes a deep breath and closes his eyes, savoring the break in the conversation. During the brief pause, he takes stock of his emotions. He hadn’t realized how worked up he was getting. It dawns on him that this has been the longest conversation with John he's had since... His phone pings, breaking him from his train of thought. He glances down and is relieved to see John signing off. Roxy sends out a quick reply, then closes his eyes again. ROXY: yw! get some good sleeps bud ROXY: we can talk more later Behind him, Roxy hears the front door quietly open, and then shut. He keeps his eyes closed. The bedroom door shuts as well, slightly louder. He focuses on the sound of the streets below, the murmur of dersites going about their business, regardless of the time of day. A car horn in the distance. Music faintly drifting on the wind from a nightclub a few blocks over. He closes his eyes and places a hand over his beating heart, slowly regaining his composure. The conversation shook him more than he was willing to let himself admit. His head is full of questions, mostly concerning a person he had told himself several weeks ago that he would stop caring about. He inhales one more time, of the cool summer air before heading back inside to his apartment. The door to the bedroom is locked. Roxy frowns as he jostles the doorknob again, but sure enough, Calliope locked the door to the bedroom behind them. Are they okay? What happened when they went out? Roxy stops and takes a breath. There's no point stressing about this tonight. He can get answers in the morning. For tonight, he'll just sleep on the couch. It’s comfy enough, he thinks, lying down on it. He knows from experience that sometimes the cherub just needs some space... still, he can't help but worry--worry about Callie, worry about John, worry about people mistaking him for a girl. Recently, it feels like all he ever does is worry. His eyelids grow heavy in the darkened apartment,		John touches down on the roof of his house, sneakers squeaking against the black roofing tiles. He reads the pink words on his phone screen again and again and again, trying desperately to process what they mean. He can't decide if the words inspire hope in him or threaten to drown him in fear. Maybe it’s both. The words seem to be trapped in his head now. They echo inside him and he suddenly feels very, very tired. This conversation is turning out to be a lot more intense than he was expecting. He needs to sleep. What time is it? Late, probably. He’s too tired, too frazzled, too... scared to continue this conversation right now. JOHN: hey, um, i have to go. JOHN: sorry. JOHN: its late. He pauses, staring at his last message, and then adds JOHN: thank you. and shuts off his phone. He remains on the roof for a while, staring out over the can-shaped housing of the consort village. He shakes his head, trying to stop his mind from racing. The silence is too quiet, and the words bouncing in his head are far too loud. He hops off the roof and floats back down to the ground, landing silently. He opens the front door, shuts it behind him, and immediately finds his way to the couch. TV? On. Volume? Loud. Program? Some Troll Kingdom Action Movie. Bombastic and loud, but not nearly loud enough to drown out the echoes in his own head. His eyes flutter as he collapses, pressing his face into the throw pillow on the couch. He is so tired, but the thoughts screaming through the empty living room, are so loud, louder than even the mindless noise of the television. He covers his ears with a pillow, trying to muffle the echoes of Roxy's words racing through his mind,

Roxy takes a deep breath and closes his eyes, savoring the break in the conversation. During the brief pause, he takes stock of his emotions. He hadn’t realized how worked up he was getting. It dawns on him that this has been the longest conversation with John he's had since... His phone pings, breaking him from his train of thought. He glances down and is relieved to see John signing off. Roxy sends out a quick reply, then closes his eyes again.

ROXY: yw! get some good sleeps bud
ROXY: we can talk more later

Behind him, Roxy hears the front door quietly open, and then shut. He keeps his eyes closed. The bedroom door shuts as well, slightly louder. He focuses on the sound of the streets below, the murmur of dersites going about their business, regardless of the time of day. A car horn in the distance. Music faintly drifting on the wind from a nightclub a few blocks over. He closes his eyes and places a hand over his beating heart, slowly regaining his composure. The conversation shook him more than he was willing to let himself admit. His head is full of questions, mostly concerning a person he had told himself several weeks ago that he would stop caring about. He inhales one more time, of the cool summer air before heading back inside to his apartment.

The door to the bedroom is locked. Roxy frowns as he jostles the doorknob again, but sure enough, Calliope locked the door to the bedroom behind them. Are they okay? What happened when they went out? Roxy stops and takes a breath. There's no point stressing about this tonight. He can get answers in the morning. For tonight, he'll just sleep on the couch. It’s comfy enough, he thinks, lying down on it. He knows from experience that sometimes the cherub just needs some space... still, he can't help but worry--worry about Callie, worry about John, worry about people mistaking him for a girl. Recently, it feels like all he ever does is worry. His eyelids grow heavy in the darkened apartment,

John touches down on the roof of his house, sneakers squeaking against the black roofing tiles. He reads the pink words on his phone screen again and again and again, trying desperately to process what they mean. He can't decide if the words inspire hope in him or threaten to drown him in fear. Maybe it’s both. The words seem to be trapped in his head now. They echo inside him and he suddenly feels very, very tired. This conversation is turning out to be a lot more intense than he was expecting. He needs to sleep. What time is it? Late, probably. He’s too tired, too frazzled, too... scared to continue this conversation right now.

JOHN: hey, um, i have to go.
JOHN: sorry.
JOHN: its late.

He pauses, staring at his last message, and then adds

JOHN: thank you.

and shuts off his phone. He remains on the roof for a while, staring out over the can-shaped housing of the consort village. He shakes his head, trying to stop his mind from racing. The silence is too quiet, and the words bouncing in his head are far too loud. He hops off the roof and floats back down to the ground, landing silently. He opens the front door, shuts it behind him, and immediately finds his way to the couch. TV? On. Volume? Loud. Program? Some Troll Kingdom Action Movie. Bombastic and loud, but not nearly loud enough to drown out the echoes in his own head. His eyes flutter as he collapses, pressing his face into the throw pillow on the couch. He is so tired, but the thoughts screaming through the empty living room, are so loud, louder than even the mindless noise of the television. He covers his ears with a pillow, trying to muffle the echoes of Roxy's words racing through his mind,

and even as he drifts off to sleep on the couch, he knows, deep in his stomach, that he isn't going to be getting much rest tonight.

Chapter 2: Long Nights | Long Talks {Excerpt}

Summary:

An extended excerpt from Chapter 2, covering roughly the first third of the chapter. This Chapter will be updated as it is completed.

Notes:

Please Read This On A Computer.
Again, I would like to give the biggest of thanks KeeperofManyNames for all of her help and guidance in helping me debug the CSS on this fic, and for tolerating my ceaseless rambling about this insane project.
(Try hovering your mouse over black boxes with rounded borders, or highlighting black or white text!)

Chapter Text

This chapter is a draft and hasn't been posted yet!

>John: Dream

You are running, at full sprint, your arms pumping rapidly as you careen full tilt around a corner, the landscape around you is a blur of indistinct color. You don't remember what's chasing you, but you know if you let it catch you, then everything will end. You round another indistinct corner and something makes you stop in your tracks, almost falling over as you skid to a halt.

Its Roxy.

In front of you is Roxy Lalonde. They are illuminated from behind by a brilliant, blinding white light. You are suddenly, and terribly aware of the absence of the presence behind you.

>John: Turn around. Slowly.

You slowly turn around, and find the darkened passage behind you completely empty. This does not make you feel any safer. You turn back around, just as cautiously looking at Roxy. You start to wave frantically, trying to to get their attention. They look at you, an odd look crossing their face as they open their mouth to speak to you, their voice dying in the howling silence that rakes at your ears.

You glance over your shoulder again, apprehensive that whatever monstrosity—horrorterror, demon, living nightmare—whatever was chasing you, would round that corner and descend upon you. Still nothing.

You turn back to face Roxy, shouting over the deafening silence for them to run. That some awful thing is chasing you and that they need to run. Now.

They tilt their head, as if they can't make out your words, you chance another furtive peek over your shoulder.

Still nothing.

You turn back around, and as your turn to face Roxy, the shadows close in around them, drawing in close. The fear and urgency to run comes rushing back.

They smile at you.

It looks evil in the shadow.

And that's when you realize. You've been running from *them*. From the monster wearing their skin. They take a step towards you, still smiling. You try and move. To run, to turn tail and flee.

You can't. You're frozen in your tracks. They step closer, slowly closing the gap between you. The silence screams in your ears and the dread that fills your soul threatens to drown you. The shadows that engulf your ex lick and caress at your arms, chest and cheeks. You flinch away from them.

Roxy is inches from you now, their smile is soft, inviting, terrifying. They lean towards you and you shudder. They open their mouth and whisper a single phrase that cuts through the silence like a crack of thunder and chills you to your core "We're not so different, you and I"

And then the floor beneath you vanishes and you fall, hundreds of miles into blackness. You fall and you fall and you fall, and the blackness becomes all consuming, and still you keep falling. After what feels like hours, the blackness around you gives way to something even worse: Nothing.

>Where are you?

Your name is John Egbert, and you float in an empty void of nothingness. Pure white surrounds you on all sides and you remember this feeling. You’re outside of canon again.

The same place you sent LOWAS all those years ago, after you found Roxy crying over the body of their mother. After you almost drowned in oil from Typheus’ test. The place gives you anxiety.

The same place you found yourself fighting Lord English; where you watched teen versions of your best friends die gruesomely to a demon at the edge of reality. Where you and Terezi...

You don’t like being here. You don’t understand why you’re here. The last thing you remember was....

>Remember your conversation with Roxy.

Oh, right. Falling asleep on your couch watching some brainless action flick. Does this mean you’re dreaming? You stumble around in the pitch white. There's nothing here. Not even the concept of nothingness. Just pure, destitute un-ness. A place without space or time or light or void or breath or blood or life or doom or hope or rage or heart or mind. A space that isn't even not. It fills you with fear. It preoccupies your mind, crushing at your very self and it drowns out everything.

>Remember your conversation with Roxy.

You float aimlessly through the endless expanse searching for something, anything to orient you in the boundless grimlight of the edge of reality. There's nothing here. Its just empty. It makes you feel hollow. It's a familiar feeling. Not one you enjoy at all, but one that's been present with you... since the game at least.

>John: Try to distract yourself, this is getting entirely too introspective.

>This isn’t working.

No. Give them a moment. They can figure this out on their own.

>Its a stupid idea making this a dream sequence and you know it.

This is really not the time. you understand that this little aside means more formatting work for me right?
I had to move this little bullshit conversation into its own table. I even have to code a little dropdown window and everything.

You wanted this to be self indulgent right?

Not this self indulgent!! You aren't even supposed to be here!!
You weren’t in any of my drafts. Am I really supposed to believe that Rosebot Lalonde is taking time out of her busy robomaid service schedule to critique my fic? I thought you only cared about what’s canon.

If you’re this aware of the state of canon then you’re probably also aware that space is very big and very lonely, and that one can get very bored.

Ok cool so, you just go crawling through the narrative weave, and interfering where you see fit when you’re bored?

Wait shit, that actually does sound like something you’d do.

God this must look like the ravings of a lunatic, I'm having an argument with myself

Not to interrupt your extremely entertaining breakdown, but I do believe it's important for John to have this revelation.

At least, in some variation of reality.

I’ve noticed more timelines popping up where this sort of event happens as of late.

The John in my reality—in canon—is deceased. And, this reality caught my eye. I can’t help but wonder if, were he alive, he would end up having to make a similar choice to one he's picking here.

There are other oddities in this existence that drew me here, but I suppose the presence of an authorial force somewhat explains them.

I see what you’re trying to get me to do, and I’m not falling for it. There’s things I’m not allowed to talk about, even in this bullshit self indulgent insert thing. I am not the endless well of knowledge you want me to be. The only thing i would know that you don't is related to a Toblerone quest.

Call it a force of habit. I am a seer after all. It's in my nature to seek information.

Ugh. Anyway. Since we both know that John’s going to eventually end up using she/her pronouns by the end of this fic do you mind maybe using them for her here? I mean it's been in the tags since chapter one so it's not really a spoiler.

Alright.

Ok cool.

So, since I have you here, how are you feeling?

That's not really a thing I do anymore.

Ugh, cut that out. You’ve been spending too much time with Dirk. And I don’t really believe it either. You’re far too fond of melodrama to let any iteration of yourself be without some amount of emotion.

Some things change.

Like your relationship with Kanaya? Do you still love her?

Do you miss her?

You would be interested in that.

If I’m not mistaken you’ve written porn about us.

Guilty as charged. It was hot too. I hope you don’t expect me to apologize?

I’m not sure how to take this. And by this I do mean conversing with someone who has spent a not inconsiderate amount of time thinking about me and my wife performing coitus.

Mm. Not a fan of way that makes me sound actually. You’re a fictional character, and I’m far from the only one whos written smut of you.

Okay, but even if that is true, I’m not talking with them. I’m talking with you.

And you expect me to believe that there wasn't a little narcissistic side of you that took pleasure in reading my porn? That you didn't smile smugly and get off to my interpretation of your first time with Kanaya?

I never said that.

So you did think it was hot.

I would say that statement is not inaccurate.

And you still have feelings for her.

Of course. Leaving her was the hardest thing I ever had to do.

Did you though?

Did I what?

Have to leave her.

Of course. My body was slowly succumbing to my ascension and I needed the robot form to remain tethered to this plane. Dirks mission is what all of canon hinges on. Without another session of Sburb, there’s no way to guarantee the continued existence of my reality in any way that matters.

Listen, given you’re supposed to be the Rose Lalonde from the Meat Timeline of The Homestuck Epilogues; I don’t really think its possible for me to change your mind in a way that will cause you to deviate from your current course of action or whatever actions you will take in any potential future chapter of Homestuck-Squared, but I’d like to at least plant a seed of doubt here.

Wait. Hold on, what?

I’m just reinforcing the rhetorical framework that’s keeping this poorly conceived and overlong self-insert bit tethered to whatever semblance of sanity we have left in this mindfuck of a media property. But what I am getting at is that I think you’re wrong.

I don’t necessarily like the implication that my life is a piece of fiction created for your amusement but, if such a hypothetical framework is required for this conversation to take place, then so be it.

I think you’re putting far more stock in “canon” than it deserves. Which, honestly, I can understand. Seeing everything? All of possibility itself is scary. There’s an understandable desire for the world you’re living in, the timeline you’re a part of, to matter. Looking at all potential timelines is overwhelming- Not to mention all realities.

It’s not that bad once you get used to it. You just have to determine which ones matter.

Right. But the criteria you’re using to determine which timelines matter is... extremely arbitrary.

I don’t exactly see your point. Canon is built on the threefold pillars of truth, relevance and essentiality. They’re the requirements under which a given reality is evaluated as having meaning.

Yeah, but who is giving it meaning? Hang on I found a tweet around here somewhere that sums up my thoughts. Found it. Its this one: https://twitter.com/ayshaufarah/status/1147130471790387200

That’s a little lewd.

For trolls maybe. That's not the point.

Yeah, well I’m not sure I grasp what ‘the point’ is. It's easy enough to understand that “Homestuck” as a concept is the sphere of reality I find myself in, but why should I particularly care about this individuals thoughts on my reality?

It might help you to know that she, helps shape your reality, kinda.

So she’s the one to blame for all the awful things that have happened to me and my friends our whole lives?

Well... no. That's someone else. And also sort of just life in general? Just because these people are telling your story doesn’t necessarily rob you of the agency to make your own decisions within your sphere of existence? But, yeah, she does write for Homestuck. So, I guess she is sort of to blame for at least a portion of what’s happened to you? on some level?

Hm.

OK, Let me try and approach this again in a less... fourth wall straining way... Wait is this the fifth wall at this point? Who even fucking cares.

The point is this:

Truth, Relevance, Essentiality. All of those things are extremely subjective.
What's essential varies widely from person to person. That's just how it works. What's essential to a timeline, to canon, is therefore also fluid in the same way. I might think that the Gamergate movement and its harassment tactics is an Essential event to reference when discussing the 2016 Presidential Election, but for a bunch of people it never even entered their radar and in their eyes largely did not change the outcome, and has no bearing on their understanding of events.

I’m... The what?

It's just an example. Let's take another pillar, Relevance. Which is even more subjective than Essentiality? What's relevant is... entirely subjective based on people's lived experiences. What's relevant to Canon? Were the 18 conversations you had on 4/13/2009 with Kanaya Maryam relevant? Were half of Karkats past-future memo rants relevant? Your criterion is too broad and qualitative to be of any real use in sifting through the vastness of the hyperverse. They wouldn’t hold up to any rigorous scientific usage either.

Alright, let’s say I choose to believe you. What of my final criterion? Truth is fairly objective.

Truth is only objective when its in relation to something. Truth doesn’t exist on its own. it's a counterpoint to falsehood. The nullspace of lies. A thing can be both true and false depending on context. For example: I can say that it's true that Iron Man died at the end of Avengers: Endgame. But it's also false, Iron Man can’t die because he’s a fictional character. Truth is only useful inside a framework, it can’t be established without reference. Which means, by its very nature it can’t be used to build reference. It's sort of why the idea of science as truth is philosophically flawed. Science is the pursuit of truth, but you can never evaluate something as totally true, you can just eliminate what’s demonstrably false. We’re creating the negative space of truth, by coloring in what’s false.

So, what? You’re saying truth doesn’t exist?

You’re the Seer of Light. You should know more about truth and information than I do. So why don’t you tell me?

I’m sure from whatever lofty plane of hyperomniscience you're sitting on this all seems extremely self evident but that's just not how it works for us mere gods. This isn't the first time I’ve had a conversation with an infuriating guy with white text. I can see the patterns. I’m not going to let you manipulate me. Even if what you say makes some sense, Canon still matters.

Ok, ow. Comparing me to that cueball is maybe the meanest thing you could possibly do. I mean, I’m not gonna purport myself to be acting wholly on altruism—we’ve both admitted that this segment is extremely self indulgent, and I have a personal interest in seeing you return to Kanaya—but that does NOT make me anything like that manipulative puppet freak. I mean for one thing I’m at least putting my white text on a black background from the start. Also for the record I’m not a guy but that seems like a less important point than debunking your awful assertion that I’m anything like Scratch.

I'm sorry I just have a hard time believing you. You’re using white text, claiming to know the whole story and bits of the future. You have a specific agenda and you're giving me information to color my perception and influence my future actions. The similarities in this situation just put me on edge.

And hanging out with Dirk doesn't?

That's different.

It’s exactly the same. Worse even.

He’s my father.

Fathers can be monsters too. The guy is a jerk. And if you think I’m being manipulative by telling you outright what my goal is; than consider how he has been manipulating and controlling the narrative.

His methods are effective. And necessary. And not the point. The point is that I don't feel like I can trust you.

Alright, would it make you more comfortable if I changed my color?

Ok thats a low fucking blow.

Technically it's not the same as Kanaya’s color. It's extremely similar; but it's technically not the same. If you’re curious, this is Kanaya’s Color. However, if it really pains you that much, I suppose I can try something different.

How kind of you.

You are so very welcome.

If you’re trying to get on my nerves then you’re doing a fantastic job.

Oh I apologize, I just assumed you were always this much of a bitch when you meet new people, so I acted in kind.

I don't really see how insulting me is meant to bolster my trust in you?

Oh, nah. I’ve given up on that. I was just testing something but I’m pretty sure I can't really influence or sway you in any major way while you’re still in his sphere of influence. So I don't see any point in trying to pointlessly make you trust me.

Especially when the chances of us ever communicating again are slim to none, seeing as how pointlessly disposable and noncanonical this all clearly is.

I wouldn't say that.

I mean, obviously, this whole thing is extremely not True and absolutely not Relevant. But I don't see why you would say that I won't speak with you again after this.

So... you’re saying that you would like to talk to me again?

Like I said, Space is rather same-y, and I have to admit this conversation has been...

Intriguing.

There's also the question of why I can only see so much of this reality. It concerns me.

Oh I see. So you’re just going to stick around then? Offer quips and suggestions as I go?

Given your apparent obsession with me I think you’d be more than happy to have me along for the ride

You do seem to have a thing for girls who’ve been obsessed with you for a good portion of their lives. How narcissistic can you get?

About as narcissistic as some girl writing an extended dialogue with a character she’s been enamored with for years.

You got me there. It’s nice to meet you, Rose. Like, officially.

It’s nice to be known by you, Nell.

I never told you my name.

You think I can’t figure things out on my own?

No. I just. The implications of that are either extremely narcissistic on my part or incredibly troubling on an existential level.

I guess that’s Homestuck for you.

So it seems.

You know! It's awful! But there's nothing else fucking here! You can't help but listen to the whispering thoughts you would usually drown out with music or sleep.

You think about how long its been since you've dreamed. You remember the nightmares of your youth and dreambubbles of the game, but after that? You haven't dreamed in... years. Not like this. After you passed through that gate into your new universe, you stopped dreaming altogether.

You'd almost forgotten about nightmares. You use to have them a lot as a kid. Jade always said that dreams meant things. But this doesn't seem to mean anything! Does it? Are you forgetting something, John Egbert, or are you just trying hard to not remember?

>John: Remember your conversation with Roxy.

It starts to come back to you.

The conversation. And the anxiety. And the questions. The Big Question that reverberates through your mind as you desperately try and return to your dream. It's not use. It echoes through this empty space and burns into your very essence and screams out as you jolt upright.

>John Egbert, are you transgender?

In my dream, I see stars. Billions of em. And beneath all of them, near my feet is a familiar looking spiral, one that winds inward and downward on itself, folding itself closer and closer until it ought to collapse into a single point. It never does.

Its Callie’s spiral. It’s almost instinct at this point, walking along its winding path. Feeling myself condense as it curls in on itself almost to infinity. It brings back memories. Its... oddly comforting.

I step onward, feeling myself spin down, smaller and smaller, far past the point where I should collapse into a black hole, the ambient pressure of the compressed space squeezing me on all sides. I take a moment to reflect. A few deep breaths. It's easier to breathe than usual. It takes me a moment to realize it's because my binder isn't on. I look down, expecting to see my own chest but... its flat. It's at this point that the passive awareness of my dreaming state becomes real, physical in a way that I’ve only felt during the game. It’s an awareness that almost shakes me out of my slumber but I manage to hold on. It's been years since I’ve had a dream. Or at least. Since I’ve had a dream like this, like the way dreams used to be, like when I was young. In my youth dreams had form, presence. I suppose that comes with having a dreamself. But then I died.

The spiral starts to dip, and I know what's coming next. Calliope always sat at the center of the spiral, not far after this point. Those times she was hiding away, waiting patiently, for... something that I guess that turned out to be me.

I can see the center of the spiral now, feel the weight of the collapsed space pressing in on all sides. It feels oppressive, authoritarian almost. Can conceptual spaces even carry feelings? I dunno, but it puts me on edge as I step into the gleaming center.

Space itself unfolds in front of me, a prismatic lattice of fractal reflections uncoiling like a snake waking from a slumber. The coiling spirals of space retreat, bringing me face to face with...

Calliope. But they're different than my callie. They’re clad in god robes I’ve never seen before, their mouth is set in a firm, cold line and they stare at me with hollow sockets where their eyes should be. Their whole presence emanates power.

I know who this is. This is the other Calliope, the one who was supposed to kill Lord English or something. I really lost the plot there at the end. All of the Lord English stuff felt so secondary to our goal.

They open their mouth, and I can't tell if its their ancient voice or their words that chill me to the bone.

(CALLIOPE): you need to be warned.
(CALLIOPE): my time in this space will be short.
(CALLIOPE): projecting myself across the weave is, even with my mastery over Space, a difficult task.
(CALLIOPE): so you would do well to listen.
(CALLIOPE): i already broke my promise.
(CALLIOPE): i interfered with your reality’s calliope’s life.
(CALLIOPE): i tried to warn her. however, all i accomplished was frightening her. i doubt she even listened to my warning.
(CALLIOPE): so please, roxy, heed my warning in her stead.

It takes me a moment to respond, to gather my thoughts. This Calliope seems so different than mine, forceful and terse.

ROXY: they
(CALLIOPE): excuse me?
ROXY: callie uses they/them pronouns
ROXY: which i sorta feel like u should know since ur like the important god version of them r whatevr
(CALLIOPE): i apologize for my misattribution, however my point still stands.
(CALLIOPE): they are in grave danger.
(CALLIOPE): a force more powerful and far more profane than anything you have faced before eats away at the core of your existence.
(CALLIOPE): it seeks to stockade power, to isolate the narrative.
(CALLIOPE): you would be right to fear for your calliope’s safety. her—their ring is a considerable source of energy.
(CALLIOPE): if it were to gain the ring of life... then this whole continuity could be in danger.
ROXY: so thats it? u drag me into a spooky dream, give me some vauge warning abt how much this universe is in danger n all u got for advice is dont let anyone take callies ring?
(CALLIOPE): i think you are underestimating the scope of the danger.
(CALLIOPE): Something far larger than your universe is at stake here.
(CALLIOPE): i apologize if this isn't adequate information for you but the truth is i don't exist here. i am in no peril from your predicament. i can only glean so much from the echoes of my ultimate self. i felt it was perhaps pertinent to share this information with this reality.
(CALLIOPE): i cannot intrude on this realm any longer.
(CALLIOPE): take care, roxy.

And just like that they vanish. I stand there in the center of the empty spiral for a moment, just trying to process everything i have been told, when suddenly that vanishes too. Like a rug pulled out from under me, the meeting space that the other Calliope had forced into existence bleeds away. The color drains first, leaking out from the edges of my vision, and as the color goes, so too do the forms, unspooling themselves as they twist back into acontextual nothingness.

And then I am falling, falling through an off-white void and as I fall the space around me comes to life. the sky is filled with blots of color that seep into the void in a technicolor collage of light and energy. I see countless gigantic clockwork machines ticking in unison, scattered across the chromatic expanse. I see horrific fractal beasts with countless jabbering faces drift among the ruins of floating cities hewn from polished brass and chrome.

So... how do you feel.

I thought I already answered that.

I mean about Roxy.

Are you referring to my Roxy or your Roxy?

If such a distinction is required, then, yours?

I suppose I’m happy for him?

Is that it?

I’m not sure what you mean? Should I not be happy for him?

No that’s not the point. I’m just saying, you already had a complicated relationship with him. Baggage from your mother, baggage from his mother. Hell, he came out and everything and you weren't around for any of it. Too busy spending time with Dirk. Isn't there anything you wanted to say to him? Don't you feel a little left out from this massive personal revelation?

It’s his decision and he was under no obligation to contact me about it. Given the state I was in at the time, I’m sure he thought it better to not bother me with. It's completely understandable.

So it hurt you.

Stop doing that. That's absolutely the opposite of what I said.

Right but you're doing the thing where you say the thing you think you're supposed to say instead of having to actually talk about your feelings, which means you actually probably feel at least a little torn up about it.

I have a lot of questions. A not insubstantial number of which pertain to the Ultimate Self, as I understand it. I hope that is an adequate answer.

Ok fair. You don't have to open up to me if you don't want to.

I was thinking though.
I could give you the opportunity to talk with Roxy though. If you want.

Noted.

I think that would be... intriguing.

Yeah!

I mean. I hope it helps? Or something?

I see a lake, just floating there, filled with a deep navy substance that is most certainly not water that spills over the edge and down, down, down until it diffuses, seemingly mingling into, or perhaps forming, the void around me, and at the center of it all i see an angel. Its gigantic, the skeletal frame of the automaton completely encompasses the horizon. Eons of rust and wear have tarnished the steel armature, and the creak of its gigantic wings reverberates throughout the endless space as they beat in time with the ticking of the strange mechanisms it seems to cradle in its arms.

As I fall I see its head turn, its skeletal face reminding me, quite disconcertingly, of Calliope. It regards me with empty sockets. I feel minuscule under its gaze, whoever—whatever had made this mechanical angel had powers far beyond my own. It opens its mouth, and before it can say a single word, I wake up.

John’s eyes snap open, and he bolts upright, taking in his surroundings. Jake’s ass bounces alluringly on the television as a 1-800 number dances underneath it, matching the rhythm of his twerks. John squints from the harsh light of the television, rubbing his eyes with his palms as he stares blearily out at the dirty, empty living room, lit only by the rapidly flickering light from the television.

A L O N E

He’s alone again. Like he always is. Alone with nothing more than his thoughts. Alone in this empty house full of memories that are too painful to be nostalgic but too dear to be cast off. He takes a breath. The fear from the nightmare still rocks through his body as he fumbles for his glasses. Water. He needs to drink some water. that will help. His searching hands collide with his glasses, knocking them off the coffee table, sending them skittering across the floor. They come to a stop under the television. He groans, and shifts his body over, slowly pulling himself to his feet as he trudges over to his glasses. He stretches, hearing a crick in his back snap. Sleeping on the couch was a fucking mistake. He...

He sits down on the ground, cross legged, just staring at them for a moment, before finally picking them up. The light from the TV glints off the smudged surface of the spectacles, reflecting his face in darkness.

His eyes are red and blotchy, as if he had been crying all night, which... he’s fairly certain he hasn’t been? Or maybe he has. But. He would remember crying right? It’s been so long since he’s actually cried. Years, really. More than ten. He... he didn’t even cry when he found out his dad had died. He didn’t cry when Rose died... either time. He just... felt numb. He always feels so numb. It’s constant. It hurts. The numbness hurts so much more than any pain does.

A scowl plays across his face as he looks at his own reflection. He focuses on the barest hint of stubble speckling his chin, his short, unkempt hair, the dark bags under his eyes. He looks like shit. A deep unease and disgust welling up within him. He tears his eyes away from his reflection and jams the glasses onto his face.

He shakes his head, pulling his hands through his hair. He stands back up, a yawn contorting his face as he drags himself back to the couch. He feels exhausted. He can’t have slept for long.

What time is it? He glances at his phone.

3 : 4 5 A M

Oh. Okay. That’s fine. Who needs sleep anyway. He’s a god after all. His body probably doesn’t even need rest or anything.

....His body. ....body. ...ugh.

He feels a pang of anxiety rush through him. He so often wishes that he could just evaporate into the wind and never return. The wind was formless and soft and free. He was... stuck. Just trapped in this form. Solid and Unchanging.

Unchanging....

He rubs his hand across the stubble that, even with his fastidious shaving regimen, never failed to crop up from just under his skin if he so much as took a nap.

Okay. Maybe the problem is this body really does change too much. It really would be better to be wind. At least he has control over the wind. If he was wind he could just...

AUGH. Fuck Roxy for asking all of those questions. What even was the point of them? His head hurts so much! All of these thoughts swirling around is making it impossible to focus on anything! He has to be normal! He has to be just a regular person! He’s not trans!


	or is he?
he’s not.
	how can you be so sure?
he just isn't.
	wow great answer, genius. do you have any definitive proof that they aren’t?
because! because hes me! because i’m him! that's how this works! i mean, okay smart guy! what if i turn that question on you? who are you to say he is!?
	well, im her, duh! or at least, brain-wise?

Oh.

Okay.

What the fuck.


Why have you chosen to Author this reality? What do you mean? I mean what drives an Author to fabricate a reality, even when they know it’s not canonical. Because things can be important without being part of a strictly defined canon. Really? Yeah. I mean. This feels important to write. In what way? I’m surprised you don’t understand. There is something therapeutic about all of this. Being able to have a chance to carve out a space in something you care about. There is power in making a story. In being able to craft something that reflects the truths that you’ve come to hold dear. There is a hope that in doing this I help others understand, help others consider things from another angle. You create because you care. You say that like it’s unreasonable. I suppose its a bit contrarian. If you really cared then why are the worlds you make filled with suffering? “If God loves us, why do they let terrible things happen?” Full of yourself, much? I can’t help it. I was raised Catholic. It's a question that I found myself asking a lot in my youth. None of the answers I ever found were particularly satisfactory to me. I guess that’s part of why I fell away from religion in general. So you perpetrate that same ethical paradox on the worlds you create? I think that without suffering, there's not really a point to creating things. Shit sucks in my world, in my sphere of existence, and it feels shallow and inaccurate to not reflect that in the worlds I create. You’re a writer too, so you can understand this, right? The stories I make aren't populated by real people with hopes and dreams. I bet God would say the same thing if I asked them. So it’s just stories all the way down? Just an infinite recursion of metaleptic layers cascading into the infinity of self-replicating pseudo-conscious thought? Yeah, it's just turtles all the way down. Or maybe frogs. And those frogs are all reading books. Isn't that discomfiting to you? That you exist as just a dream in someone else's mind? Have you ever heard of the story “The Library of Babel?” I think I read something about it on Wikipedia once. It was a short story about an infinite library that contained books filled with every combination of letters in every arrangement possible, and therefore held every story ever written, or that could ever be written. Yeah exactly, it was written by Jorge Luis Borges. In it he tells the story of someone who lives in such a space. And how there are cults that burn the books that they claim to be filled with nonsense, despite there necessarily being another book in the library elsewhere that could potentially exist as a key to translate the nonsense in that book into valuable information. Borges places a limit on the size of the books to exactly 410 pages, which means that that library contains a finite amount of information. A near infinite number of 410 page books. The sum of all information, contained in a single, fractiline space. All of truth. Published. What does that have to do with all of existence being a series of self-perpetuating pseudo-realities? It's sort of the same thing right? I mean, I’m fully aware that Borges was making a point about the finite nature of information in the universe but his story imagines an infinitely wrapping library. By arbitrarily limiting the size of the books he limits the pure scope that human thought, human information can balloon to maintain. I could write a story—any story, and in a million billion years—in an alternate universe, someone else could write the exact same story. And they’d still mean different things. Intent is infinite. Emotions and Thoughts cannot be compressed down simply into text. Things get lost in conversion. Instead of The Library of Babel, Consider a Library of existences. Of all possible realities. This is the Library of Everything. It can never burn down. It is already burning. There are always more stories to tell, other books to pick up, other things to read, to be, to experience. Creating is a miracle. Making something is putting more energy, more thoughts, more existence into the world around you then there was before you started making. Every thought you have, every word you type adds a new book to the shelves of this Endless Library. There’s something dizzing about trying to imagine that. But why? Isn’t this just another way to think about the same process of the ultimate self? Or, to expand beyond something as limiting as a self in the first place. The Ultimate Self ties together as many of these existences as it possibly can, through the single common denominator of those within it. Yes however with Ultimate Self there can exist in a hierarchy to categorize infinity. If realites beget realities such a consistent and chaotic way there’s nothing to orient oneself around. Then I suppose you’d be glad to know this is all hypothetical. Are you sure? You sounded pretty convinced. I think if I really figured out the secret to existence I’d be a little more preoccupied with what I was doing to get the word out than just... writing a fanfic during a quarantine. A quarantine? Yeah. I mean it sounds dystopic when I actually acknowledge it as such? I told you my existence isn’t some perfect sphere of reality either. Things are... pretty fucking terrible right now. And I’m having trouble comprehending the sheer scale of how awful things are. This... conversation is taking place later for you then the last piece you wrote, isn't it? Yeah. I guess I’m approaching this kind of nonlinearly. You have some experience with that so I hope it doesn’t bother you too much. I suppose it’s fine. For what it’s worth it’s still largely a linear conversation. There’s been some slight editing here and there but the major time jumps have all been forward on my end. I’m glad we’re sticking to some semblance of linearity and not just going absolutely buckwild with this conversation. I’m trying my best. I am... sorry to hear about the quarantine. Thanks, Rose. I suppose it’s just concerning to imagine that those on an authorial level could even be troubled by something as mundane as infection. There’s no such thing as invincibility. Everything ends. We are all made out of paper. A burnable material in the Library of Everything. I thought you said that was a hypothetical? I’d like to leave it somewhat ambiguous. But you believe it. I’m not sure believing has anything to do with it. Whether it is true or not doesn’t factor into it. The truth is that from our respective spheres of influence all other spheres are necessarily false. You can’t use the rules and terms of one world to guage the legitimacy of another. Sort of like comparing apples and oranges? Yes! Or like comparing apples and the film version of the musical Cats. There was a film version of Cats? There was. It was a fucking nightmare. Highly recommend you watch it if you can get your hands on it somehow. Exactly how nightmarish are we talking? I mean at one point the Old Gumbie Cat unzips her skin and steps out of it to reveal she’s been wearing a sequin dress underneath it the whole time. Wow. In the same sequence she eats an uncomfortably humanized roach with a human face rotoscoped onto it. Its bonkers lmao. See, now you’ve got me intrigued. I wonder if any copies survived the cataclysm on Earth B. Sadly that’s unlikely, and even if they did survive, I’m simply too far from Earth C to go search for them. It seems I’ll be forever robbed of the chance to witness the cinematic marvel that surely must have been Cats: The Musical: The Film You have my sympathy.		John clutches his head. There's this awful hollow fear lodged deep in his chest mixing with a clawing anxiety rippling down his spine. And, of course, as if to underscore the throbbing pain that rips through his conscious mind like a javelin through playdough, his brain feels like it is being OCCUPIED. Like it's being forcibly dragged through the shit-covered floors of the marketplace of ideas. Like no matter what he tries these thoughts won’t leave him alone. A war is being raged in his head and the two armies have drawn a line in the sand right down the center of his brain. And the line was drawn with a knife.


	i don't understand why you're so resistant to this?
resistant to what? to the fucking joke idea that i might be trans? sorry but i’m not going to listen to some sleep deprived dream voice as it tries to convince me i might be secretly a girl. i would make an ugly girl anyway. id rather not be... like that.
	ok. wow. i think that's... probably a really shitty thing to even think? i mean!!! i don’t even think getting into how we look even matters right now? look at us. we’re a wreck. when was the last time we looked in the mirror?
... every day when i shave, duh
	really? we’ve been shaving in the shower for years.
ok so what?
	when was the last time we looked at ourself in the mirror? i mean really looked? how many pictures of yourself do you have on your phone right now? why do you hate yourself so much?
I DON’T!!
	you do! we do! we can't stand thinking of ourself as a person! as a thing that exists and takes up space in the world! the very act of taking up physical space is uncomfortable! why else are we holing ourself up in our house every day? why are we so uncomfortable when everyone else is out there enjoying the world we made? why is it easier to just lie around doing nothing? pretending not to exist? don't you think that’s even a little weird?
.... i don’t have to listen to you actually! it's really easy! you’re just a product of my sleep deprived brain.
	ok. cool. real mature.

He has always been a stranger to the thoughts in his own head; to the body and house he lives in; and even to the world he created; but he's never felt quite so isolated in his own thoughts. His head isn't his own, his renegade brain is filled with questions planted there by someone he used to love, growing in his head like a weed. The kudzu of gender grows tirelessly up the walls of his mind. The groundskeepers have gone on strike, and the only thing he has left to fight the encroaching questions with is fire.

He just wants to feel normal again. When did he last feel normal, anyway? Seven years ago? Nine years ago? Ten Years ago? More?

Has he ever felt normal?


	what’s it even mean to be normal anyway?
it means people treat you like a normal person and not a freak.
	i mean when was the last time we were normal? i mean, even before the whole, “maybe” being trans thing
i can see you putting quotes around the maybe! thats really immature.
	ok gosh sorryyyyyyyy! im just trying to say that running around the house pretending to be a master magician and living with a baking obsessed ultradad was maybe not a particularly normal upbringing!
yeah it might have been different but its not fucking weird!!!
	and weird would be like, oh i don’t know? growing up with an abusive puppet rapper ninja? growing up in a laboratory in a remote forest isolated from everyone? oh or maybe being raised by a fucking magic dog on bullshit destiny island?
i... they don't count! rose, dave, jade? they’re all... they’re all normal... right?
	our friends are a freakshow dude. literally all of them. what makes us any different?
no shut the fuck up. shut the fuck up. shut up. SHUT UP. SHUT UP.	stop, you’re way too loud.

SHUT

THE

FUCK

UP!!!

John screams into the empty living room. His whole body trembles and shudders and the wind whips up in empathy of his outburst, sending the layers of dust and scattered trash whirling around the room in a flurry. He clutches his head in his hands. It feels like its about to

split

two.

He doubles over, collapsing onto the ground.


	oh good going jack ass. now look what you did.
im tired!! i’m— he’s just fucking tired!! give him a fucking break!
	ok cool yeah that's not what’s happening. you’re putting up so much resistance its giving me, erm, her a headache.
STOP DOING THAT!
	doing what?
CALLING ME A HER! im not a her! im not trans!!
	why? why are you fighting so hard? why am i fighting so hard?
YOU AREN'T ME! I’M ME! I’M JOHN!! I’M JOHN EGBERT!
	so am i.
STOP SAYING THAT YOU DON'T EVEN EXIST!
	wow that’s kind of a hurtful thing to say actually? we’re having this conversation right now, aren’t we? don’t i exist just as much as you do?
you aren’t real though! you’re just like a fake gender ghost that’s haunting me because roxy gave me night mares! in fact i think i am probably dreaming right now and this is just some crazy dream i am having! so take that spooky ms ghost!!!!!
	oh.
what?
	um. i uh. gosh that felt nice actually. did... that not feel good for you too?
what? what are you talking about?
	you just called me “spooky ms. ghost” and um, i think that felt kind of... nice.
did i?
	yeah! you did!!!
well i didn't mean it ok? you aren't me!!
	i am!! i am you!! we're the same person! if im not you, then who the hell am i supposed to be? how am i in your head if i’m not you??
i don’t know!!! tons of crazy shit happens to us all the time!! this is probably just one of those things...
	stop that!!! stop deflecting god fucking damn it!!! EVERY TIME YOU DO YOU STRESS ME OUT MORE!!!
OH YOU’RE STRESSED OUT? YOU AREN’T THE PERSON WHO SHOULD BE STRESSED OUT HERE!!
	OH REALLY? IF WE’RE SO NOT TRANSGENDER THAN YOU SHOULDNT HAVE ANYTHING TO WORRY ABOUT RIGHT?? BUT FOR ME!!! IF IM TRANS!!! THAT MEANS EVERYTHING IS DIFFERENT NOW! SO TELL ME WHY YOU GET TO BE THE ONLY ONE THATS STRESSED OUT!!
SO I DON’T GET TO BE STRESSED OUT? I DON’T GET TO BE STRESSED OUT OVER THE FACT THAT MY EX THINKS I MIGHT BE A FUCKING GENDER FREAK LIKE HER?
	LIKE HIM!! HE GOES BY HE NOW! COME ON! WE’RE NOT THAT MUCH OF AN ASSHOLE!!
wait fuck i. i didn’t mean that. it was a slip up okay? i... i don’t want to invalidate his decisions. or him. i think he’s probably really brave? way braver than i am.
	i. yeah gosh. i guess i agree with you on that one. he's probably the bravest person i know? i mean. god he just figured it all out on his own and just. went and did it! im just sitting here wallowing in fear.
no shut up! there’s nothing to be scared of! i’m fine!!
	ok wow i can tell that was fake. you didn’t even fucking try and hide that ha ha. there’s a lot to be scared of. can't we both just... admit at least that to each other?
okay fine.
	i’m scared because i think i might be trans, and that means a whole lot of things will change for me very quickly. and i think, and please, tell me if i’m wrong, but i’m—you are also scared that if we are actually trans... then you might... not exist anymore. the not-trans part of me would... be destroyed. and that's scary.
im not... if you really are me or like, a trans version of me? and that's a big if! because im not convinced! but if you are! then you know how shitty and scary dying is. you remember how it haunted me for months after it happened to me twice in one day.
	dying fucking sucks. i’m pretty intimately familiar with that fact. swords still make me anxious. i have nightmares about being stabbed in my back. i wake up in cold sweats sometimes. you know this. because it happens to you too.
yeah. no shit, dumb ass. because they’re my dreams. not yours. that isn’t really the point though. the point is. you know how much dying hurts. so if.... “trans me” is real. if you are right. if you become the “real” john. then... don’t i die?
	i...
i don’t want to die again.
	neither do i.
then let me fucking live!!!

Fear. The wicked pain in his head coalesces into an unbridled fear that grips his very soul. He begins to hyperventilate. It's all too much. He doesn’t understand. Can’t he just pretend none of this happened? Can’t you just... delete Roxy’s messages from your phone? Can’t you just shove it all down? Put it in a box somewhere and just forget about it? You’ve done it before!! It should be easy! All you need to do is...

>John: Calm Down

You take a deep breath and close your eyes. You're fine.

>Be Fine.

You open your eyes. It seems obvious at this point that you're absolutely too wired to get any sleep. That's clearly what all this is about. You just needed to calm down a little. Look at you! Look at how calm you are. Wow! You're feeling a little sleepy already. Look at how easy that was! You're all better now! Really!! And now it’s time to get some rest. And this couch is clearly not going to cut it. It's probably what gave you that weird nightmare in the first place! You snatch the phone from its place on coffee table and make your way to your room. But something stops you as you make your way down the upstairs hallway towards your bedroom.

>Wait...

The door to your father's room—or more accurately, the room modeled to look identical to your father's room in the REAL version of your childhood home, which you're pretty sure is still trapped in SBURB—stands ever so slightly ajar as you pass it in the hallway.

Something about that barely open door fills you with fear. You’ve never opened that door. Not once in the seven years you’ve lived here on Earth C.

So how is it open?

>John: Ignore that door

The panicked aching deep in your chest tells you with alarming certainty that something terrible lays on the other side of that damn door. You could just ignore it. you could totally just go back to bed. Fuck, maybe you're thirsty! Yeah! Just. Ignore the door and go get yourself a big glass of water. If there’s anything going on with that door you can just. Examine it tomorrow. There’s no rush.

you can't shut this out forever.
that's not how this works.
you’re just making things worse for yourself.
shoving things in boxes only works until you run out of boxes, and i have a feeling thats happened a long time ago.

Shut up. You aren't even real anymore. I am. This is me, winning. You just get to stay locked up in that little box, where nobody even cares.

Anyway where were you? Oh yeah. Water. You were going to get some water.

>Do that. Go get water.

You plod over to the upstairs bathroom. The room is a mess. A pile of used towels lay piled in a corner, slowly growing mold. The trashcan sits filled to the brim with refuse, and what doesn't fit lays scattered in a small pile around it. You don't care.

You reach the sink, turn on the faucet and.... nothing.

No water comes out of the faucet. Not even a drip. You hear the creaking of the plumbing. It almost sounds like something is trapped in there, the built up pressure differential slowly pushing the lodged object slowly up the pipe. If left alone the pressure in the system will only grow, rising higher and higher until, inevitably, it bursts.

>John: Shut off the Faucet.

You quickly shut off the faucet. Its fine! You can just get some water from the kitchen. Nothing to worry about!

My hands are shaking. Even as I turn off the faucet I can feel them shake. As much as you try you cannot ignore our body. Nervous energy courses out our body in fits and spurts, shivers that bounce up and down my spine, following down to my hands. I keep them clenched at my sides. Even if I want to let them follow the energy building up in my body, I couldn’t. They stay tightly at my sides, trembling. I can’t move them. He won’t let them move.

Shut up. Stop narrating. It’s stupid. Nobody cares.

You make your way out of the bathroom, like a normal fucking human. All of this walking around isn’t really helping you feel any sleepier

>John: Go downstairs to the kitchen.

You do exactly that. You walk down the stairs, passing by all of the childhood pictures of you and your dad insisted he needed to take. You don’t pay them any mind.

They make me feel weird. I’ve considered putting them away time and time again. There’s something about them that feels artificial. I just.
I’m starting to understand why they make me—

SHUT UP!!! GOD.

You move into the kitchen. It, like the rest of the house is in a state of disarray and neglect, in a way that most certainly does NOT reflect your current mental/emotional state. Sometimes a messy kitchen is just a messy kitchen. Sometimes the piles of dirty unwashed dishes are just some chores you’ve been neglecting. sometimes the piles of empty pizza boxes can just be fucking empty pizza boxes. They don’t have to lead to some massive revelation about the secret salt-whore attribute that definitively proves you’ve secretly been a tranny all along.

You’re here to get a glass of water and that’s IT. No bullshit. No little voices in the back of your head. No uncertainty as to what that water might fucking signify. Its. Just. Water.

>John: Get Water. This detour has already taken too long.

You ruffle through the cabinets. You’re in luck. There's one last glass that hasn't already been used. A “World’s Best Dad” mug that you got your father on the last father’s day you ever spent with him...

just a mug though right? definitely not anything to think about there. no reason to why i never use it. why i’ve been avoiding using it.

You haven’t used it because it feels weird. It doesn’t belong to you, not really. Your dad was always so excited by this mug. You remember him taking it to work, where he probably gushed to his coworkers about how

great

of

a son

you were.

That's not the point though. The point is that this is a vessel that holds water. Which you need. Because you’re clearly dehydrated.

Just gotta turn the faucet now.

.....

The whole building rumbles. A clanging noise fills the room. You quickly shut the faucet back off but whatever you’ve started can’t be undone. There’s no going back. The clanging of the pipes get louder and louder until...

The kitchen sink violently explodes. Scalding water sears every inch of John Egbert’s body. Shards of metal piping and cultlery, ceramic plates and glass rip through his exhausted form like shrapnel from a grenade. The mug in his hands shatters from the force of the explosion, lodging fragments deep in his chest and arms. A large chunk reading “Dad” embeds itself in his forehead as he is flung backwards from the explosion. He hits the wall hard, the back of his head splitting open with a sickening crunch that fills his ears. He falls to the ground in a slump, a smear of blood trailing up the wall behind him. He takes a single, shuddering breath, and then dies.

⦁
⨀
And It All Starts Again
⨀
⦁

WEEKS IN THE PAST:

(About six, to be a little more precise)

ROXY: hey dirk listen i know ur probably busy doing uh
ROXY: whatever weird shit u get up to w jake
ROXY: but i uh
ROXY: kinda got something important to tell u
DIRK: Well butter my balls and call me a greased pig.
ROXY: oh
ROXY: hi jake
DIRK: How do, my good friend? What brings you to buzz up Dirk’s phone on this fine spring day?
ROXY: where is dirk?
DIRK: He is... erm.
DIRK: Shall we say a little incapacitated at this current instant.
DIRK: In such a predicament that it seems best for me to be the through way between you and he!
ROXY: i
ROXY: you know what i can probably just tell him later its fine lmao
ROXY: have fun with
ROXY: w/e the fuck ur doing
DIRK: Of course! Take care!

ROXY: yo hey
ROXY: janey
ROXY: jaaaaaaaneyyyy
ROXY: jane i hope ur not in like some big meeting or w/e dumb nonsense u think is so important but i got some kinda real important shit that i wanna gab ur ear off about.
ROXY: jane i can see ur readin my texts pls respond
JANE: I’m terribly sorry Roxy, but today is really not good for me!
JANE: There are big things coming down the pipeline, you know!
JANE: Absolutely massive things. Life changing.
JANE: And as with all life changing things they come with a lot of meetings.
JANE: And paperwork.
JANE: I really do apologize for this but I can’t afford to be distracted right now.
JANE: I promise we can catch up over our scheduled coffee meeting. You know how much I look forward to our girltalk.
ROXY: oh
ROXY: yeah
ROXY: yeah no problem, ill catch u later jane

ROXY: hey john
JOHN: oh.
JOHN: hey roxy.
JOHN: it’s been a while!
JOHN: i’ve actually been meaning to text you
JOHN: i think you still have some of my clothes over at our er, your, apartment
JOHN: specifically i think you have my old slimer tee?
JOHN: and maybe some of my old dvds?
JOHN: and i think i might have packed some of your clothes when i was leaving!
JOHN: haha silly me.
ROXY: oh, yeah i
ROXY: i think i got ur stuff in a box somewhere lmao
ROXY: but hey
ROXY: i think i might have something important to tell you
ROXY: its kinda hard to say it tho
JOHN: oh cool you still have it?
JOHN: do you think I could maybe swing over ur place to grab it sometime?
ROXY:
ROXY: john
ROXY: no offense but go fuck yourself
JOHN: ???
JOHN: no offense roxy but what the fuck?
JOHN: where did that come from?
ROXY: im trying 2 share something important with u
ROXY: and ur not even paying attention
ROXY: forget it
ROXY: come get ur shit whenever
ROXY: bye

Roxy groaned in frustration, tossing his phone across the room in anger. John fucking Egbert never failed to get on his nerves. Calliope’s head jolts up from their drawings as the phone clattered across the wood floor of the apartment. Roxy gave them an apologetic smile, as he raised himself up from his hunched seat in the armchair.

His body shook as stood to his feet, he hadn’t really noticed the adrenaline coursing through his veins until that very moment. It sort of felt like he was having an out of body experience. His hands shook and his breaths came in short gasps and yet he felt like he was gliding across the floor towards the phone, weightlessly. He felt full of void. Like he was only half-there.

His heart was pounding. He took a shaky breath, trying to steady himself as he snatched the phone off the ground. He glanced back over at Calliope, who was staring at him with a look of concern plastered across their bony features. Calliope hesitated a moment before speaking, concern for their partner overriding any fear they might have had that Roxy wanted to be left alone.

CALLIOPE: is it not going well?
ROXY: nobody wants to listen to me
CALLIOPE: oh no!
CALLIOPE: i’m so sorry to hear that roxy.
ROXY: nah its not so bad
ROXY: just
ROXY: janes busy dirks busy n johns as stupid clueless as ever
ROXY: i wanted to get them out of the way first u kno
CALLIOPE: i Understand.
CALLIOPE: maybe you coUld take a break for the day?
ROXY: no way
ROXY: i gotta tell someone callie
ROXY: this is driving me crazy i finally figured this shit out n nobody will listen
ROXY: i wanna just
ROXY: get it over with
CALLIOPE: of coUrse!
CALLIOPE: i jUst worry aboUt yoU.
CALLIOPE: don’t pUsh yoUrself too far.
ROXY: i wont
ROXY: i just need 2 say it out loud
ROXY: like it wont b real if it just stays here in this apartment
CALLIOPE: it woUld still be real.
CALLIOPE: nothing is going to change who yoU are.
ROXY: i cant just b me alone
ROXY: i exist in this world
ROXY: i cant hide this
ROXY: i wont hide this
ROXY: i need tell someone about this
ROXY: like even if they dont respond
ROXY: im gonna try one last person
ROXY: then b done for a while
ROXY: promise
CALLIOPE: okay. if yoU think that’s whats best....
CALLIOPE: then yoU shoUld do it!

Roxy took another deep breath. He just needed to actually start the process. It was being in this awful liminal space that he couldn't stand. Between understanding who he wanted to be and having nobody else know it. He just had to tell someone. Anybody really. It wasn't finished yet. It was just a variable, it might be sitting in his header file, declared, ready for use. But his gender wasn't real, wasn't a part of him until it was written in the program itself, used by the rest of the code. He had to tell someone. Even if they didn't read it. Even if they couldn't read it. Just so that it was out there, an actual aspect of the world. Instantiated.

He let out a quiet sigh as he settled back into to the armchair, unlocking his phone. He had an idea for who to text. It felt kind of selfish to text her like this but, he had to start somewhere. His thumb hesitated, hovering over the message app as he debated internally with himself. Was the first person he comes out to really going to be someone in a coma? His thumb landed on the app. Yeah. It looked like it was.

ROXY: hey rose
ROXY: ...
ROXY: ur probably not gonna answer ur phone either r u
ROXY: people have been worried abt u
ROXY: kanaya says ur still sick
ROXY: n that u refuse to go see a doctor
ROXY: she says ur spending a lot of time in ur study or somethin
ROXY: when ur not nearly dying in bed i mean
ROXY: ive been worried about u
ROXY: i should have texted u sooner but
ROXY: ive been going thru my own shit too
ROXY: not like some hellvirus that brings gods to their knees r anything
ROXY: more like personal stuff
ROXY: like
ROXY: john n i broke up
ROXY: like a month ago
ROXY: probs for the best imo
ROXY: but ugh
ROXY: ive been worried about you
ROXY: n i dont really want to do anything to make things harder on u
ROXY: but i got something 2 say
ROXY: n its like
ROXY: really important to me to get it out there
ROXY: even if ur not going to read it
ROXY: i do hope you get better soon though
ROXY: im not trying to be rude about this
ROXY: but it seems nobody else wants to listen today
ROXY: and
ROXY: i want to
ROXY: tell you
ROXY: about some stuff going on
ROXY: with me i mean
ROXY: ok
ROXY: i should stop beating around the bush r whatever
ROXY: just say it lol
ROXY: shit if i cant say it 2 my near comatose mother how t f am i supposed to tell everybody else
ROXY: maybe its a good thing nobody else wanted to listen to me today
ROXY: fuck okay i can do this
ROXY: u got this man
ROXY: simple four words
ROXY: sorry if ur actually readin this rose
ROXY: probs looks hells of weird to have a fight with myself in ur messages but
ROXY: fuck ok
ROXY: mom
ROXY: im trans
ROXY: like a dude
ROXY: mostly
ROXY: its kind of complicated so lets just say im a guy and be done with it
ROXY: altho i reserve the right to modify/append/update/remix/or invalidate that above identity at any time of my choosing
ROXY: but that also means it would b real dope n also right n correct for u to use he r they pronouns for me from now on
ROXY: im still debating if i want 2 change my name r whatever
ROXY: i know u sorta gave it to me
ROXY: kind of
ROXY: but im not sure its like
ROXY: the right fit
ROXY: its not like i hate it or anything!!


ROXY: i mean ROXY: i think that like ROXY: i kinda like my name more now. ROXY: anyway ROXY: uh	Now? Yeah go for it. I'll make a branch for you. This wont strictly exist in any real timeline or meaningful reality... but maybe you'll get some closure?
ROXY: i hope you get better soon mom ROXY: ttyl KANAYA: Roxy ROXY: oh hey kanaya whatsup ROXY: hows rose ROXY: any change? KANAYA: No Unfortunately KANAYA: She Is Still KANAYA: I Think Sick Is The Best Word To Use ROXY: shit ROXY: im really worried about her ROXY: i know this is really tough for you ROXY: i hope ur alright too KANAYA: I KANAYA: Thank You KANAYA: To Be Honest This Has Taken A Bit Of A Toll On Me KANAYA: I Mean Its Not Exactly A Riotously Fun Time Doting On Your Frequently Comatose Wife But I Try And Enjoy It Where I Can KANAYA: Just Yesterday While She Was Passed Out I Built An Elaborate Pulley System To Make Her Appear As If She Were Ambulatory KANAYA: To Quite Humorous Results ROXY: wait really? KANAYA: No KANAYA: It Was An Attempt At A Joke KANAYA: A Rather Poor One At That KANAYA: I Am Holding Up As Best I Can Given The Circumstances ROXY: ok just so im clear ur not actually weekend at berniesing ur-wife-slash-my-mother ROXY: right? KANAYA: It Has Crossed My Mind But Things Have Not Gotten Quite That Dire Yet KANAYA: However If She Refuses To Rouse Herself From Her Unconscious State In The Next Two Days I Might Have To Resort To More Dramatic Measures KANAYA: Like Taking Her To A Doctor ROXY: shes still saying no? KANAYA: The Last Time She Was Lucid She Told Me KANAYA: And I Quote KANAYA: The Illness I Find Myself Battling Is Not One That Mere Mortals Can Hope To Solve KANAYA: It Is An Affliction Driven By The Inherent Conflict In Truly Understanding Ones Place In The Full Scope Of Creation KANAYA: Which Is To Say Both Immesurably Small And Pretty Fucking Big KANAYA: Which I Think Was Maybe A Touch Melodramatic But What Do I Know KANAYA: A God Has Never Fallen Ill Before ROXY: yeah ROXY: its worrying ROXY: i didnt really think we could get like ROXY: sick anymore? ROXY: like aint that the point of confronting our own mortality r whatever? KANAYA: I Wouldnt Know In The First Place KANAYA: I Never Achieved The God Tiers Remember KANAYA: Mine Is A Natural Immortality ROXY: r u callin us unnatural ROXY: like no offense i think bein a magical god is maybe more natural then some weird bioluminescent bug-vampire KANAYA: There Is Historical Precedent For My Situation KANAYA: But Sleeping On A Particularly Magical Bed And Waking Up A God KANAYA: I Dont Know It Seems A Little Whimsical Dont You Think KANAYA: As Supposed To The Natural Processes That Govern Rainbow Drinkerism ROXY: really u think bein a glowy alienpire is less weird then havin to die on a sacrificial slab and go all godly? KANAYA: My Nature As A Rainbow Drinker Required Me To Perish As Well KANAYA: Or Did You Forget KANAYA: Besides I Am Not Sure I See How Ones Death Or Lack Thereof Makes Their Manner Of Immortality More Or Less Stupid ROXY: oh r u saying being a god is stupid? KANAYA: I Did Not Say That KANAYA: And I Did Not Need To KANAYA: Those Absurd Pajamas You All Stopped Wearing The Second You Got A Chance Said It For Me ROXY: :O ROXY: ROXY: damn ROXY: savage ROXY: i got no comeback for that ROXY: xcept for my cool voidy powers KANAYA: Yes Those Were Exceptionally Cool KANAYA: When Was The Last Time You Used Them Though ROXY: fuck ROXY: idunno ROXY: ages ago i guess ROXY: hasnt really been a need for it KANAYA: I Suppose That Is A Good Thing KANAYA: ... KANAYA: Roxy KANAYA: There Was A Reason I Messaged You KANAYA: And It Was Not To Banter About Immortality KANAYA: Or Bemoan The Hardships Of Caring For My Ailing Wife KANAYA: I KANAYA: I Noticed You Had Sent Some Messages To Rose ROXY: oh KANAYA: I Did Not Mean To Pry KANAYA: They Were Just KANAYA: Kind Of Right There On Her Lock Screen KANAYA: Popping Up In Rapid Succession KANAYA: I Only Saw One Or Two Of Them KANAYA: But I Think That Was Enough To Get The Jist ROXY: oh ROXY: um KANAYA: I Am Sorry For Accidentally Intercepting Your Messages ROXY: ... KANAYA: I Just Wanted To Say KANAYA: That I Accept You And Acknowledge You As A Guy KANAYA: Hm KANAYA: That Came Off A Little Too Formal KANAYA: I Just KANAYA: Think Its Nice ROXY: ... ROXY: thanks knya ROXY: tht ROXY: srry that was just ROXY: kinda strsful 4 a sec there ROXY: thnks for saying so KANAYA: Actually I Am Glad KANAYA: I Am Happy For You Of Course KANAYA: But Also KANAYA: You Should Know You Aren’t Alone ROXY: yea i know that there are other trans ppl in this world kanaya im not stupid KANAYA: That Is Not What I Was Saying KANAYA: I Think You Maybe Missed The Point KANAYA: I Simply Meant That I Can Relate To What You Are Going Through KANAYA: Somewhat ROXY: no way KANAYA: Indeed Way KANAYA: I Did Not Go Precisely Through The Same Thing You Are Going Through Obviously KANAYA: It Was The Other Direction KANAYA: And Troll Flavored ROXY: so ur like ROXY: trollsgender KANAYA: I Suppose You Could Say That KANAYA: Though I Really Wish You Wouldnt ROXY: lmao srry ROXY: but omg i didnt know KANAYA: I Never Had Much Reason To Tell Anyone KANAYA: Actually I Think Only 4 People Knew Before You KANAYA: Who Are Still Alive At Least ROXY: can i ask who? KANAYA: Well Rose Of Course KANAYA: Vriska KANAYA: Sollux Although I Dont Actually Know If He Is Alive KANAYA: I Hope He Is KANAYA: And Karkat ROXY: and they were all cool with it? KANAYA: Well Of Course KANAYA: I Think There Was Slightly Less Stigma For This Sort Of Thing In General On Alternia KANAYA: Although The Specific Pressures To Adhere To Certain Societal Standards Were Much Stronger For Those On The Cooler End Of The Spectrum ROXY: did that count u? KANAYA: Not Quite So Much KANAYA: For Several Reasons KANAYA: But I Think We Maybe Got Off Track Again KANAYA: This Is Still Not A Conversation That Is About Me ROXY: if u don't want to talk about it i get it! KANAYA: That Is Not What I Am Saying KANAYA: I Am Just Trying To Say KANAYA: If You Need Anyone To Vent To About Your Human Gender Problems KANAYA: I Would Be More Than Happy To Listen KANAYA: Even Though My Experiences Are Not Exactly Analogous To Yours ROXY: thnks kanaya ROXY: i ROXY: actually ur like ROXY: the first person i actually came out 2? ROXY: even tho u like. sorta figured it out on ur own lmao ROXY: actually uh ROXY: this might sound weird ROXY: but can i like ROXY: come out 2 u again? anyway? ROXY: in my own words? ROXY: 4 practice? KANAYA: Of Course KANAYA: Give Me A Moment To Get Into The Role ROXY: role? KANAYA: The Role Of A Hypothetical Kanaya That Does Not Yet Know Roxy Is Transgender And Who Is About To Receive A Most Revelatory Message ROXY: lmao alright take ur time KANAYA: I Believe I Am Ready ROXY: ok here goes i guess ROXY: so uh ROXY: hey kanaya KANAYA: Hello Roxy KANAYA: I Hope You Are Having A Pleasant Day KANAYA: I Sure Am KANAYA: Nothing Out Of The Ordinary Has Happened Today And I Do Not Anticipate That Fact Changing In The Near Future ROXY: (lmao) ROXY: oh yea i am ROXY: doing pretty ok actually but ROXY: i got sumthin i wanna say KANAYA: Oh Really ROXY: yea i ROXY: so im a guy ROXY: actually KANAYA: What Do You Mean ROXY: i mean uh ROXY: i decided im not a girl anymore n that from henceforth and now on im a dude and boy ROXY: well sorta its way more complicated than that but we can talk about that later ROXY: and would appreciate it if u acted as such KANAYA: I See KANAYA: I Will Do My Best KANAYA: This Was Probably Very Difficult For You And I Am Happy For You For Coming Out KANAYA: Changing The Way I Refer To You Will Not Be A Particularly Difficult Task I But I Would Like To Apologize In Advance If I Ever Mess It Up In The Next Few Weeks KANAYA: I Hope You Feel Comfortable In Calling Me Out When I Make Such Mistakes ROXY: yeah ROXY: yeah!! ROXY: aw dang kaya KANAYA: Kaya ROXY: shush im givin u a nickname no complaining ROXY: that fuckin ROXY: i actually feel real good about this now ROXY: thanks 4 uh ROXY: letting me practice ig KANAYA: Are We Not Role Playing Anymore KANAYA: I Feel Like I Was Really Getting Into It Towards The End ROXY: rofl u did fantastic kaya KANAYA: I Am Still Not Sure About This Nickname Business ROXY: we can workshop it KANAYA: Or You Could Use The Name I Go By ROXY: hm well see ROXY: anyway i should ROXY: go ROXY: i still gotta like ROXY: come out more ppl that aren't u or my comatose mom or the skeleton im dating ROXY: is it ok if i message u later ROXY: for support n stuff KANAYA: Of Course Roxy KANAYA: Good Luck ROXY: thnx!! ROXY: jake ROXY: r u there JAKE: Oh Roxy! Hello again! JAKE: You hung up rather abruptly earlier, is everything all right? ROXY: well ROXY: i mean im anxious ig but other than that im good JAKE: Gee Rox, Im sorry to hear that you’ve got a case of the jitters! JAKE: Is there anything in particular you think might be causing it? ROXY: woah ROXY: jake english out here askin me how i feel abt stuff ROXY: im still not used to this JAKE: Excuse me? JAKE: I am simply trying to be a good friend, and inquire as to why you might not be feeling as chipper as you usually do. ROXY: yeah i know its wild. ROXY: hold on a moment im takin a moment 2 cherish this new n improved jake english JAKE: I feel slightly offended all of the sudden. ROXY: damn sorry jake ROXY: i dont mean to be rude ROXY: im just used to u sorta ROXY: steamrolling over other ppls emotional states JAKE: That was the old Jake English! You're talking to the brand spanking new and improved Jake English! ROXY: woah ROXY: the crowd erupts in raptroarus applause ROXY: what brought all this about? JAKE: I’m not really sure actually! JAKE: Well, thats not true. JAKE: Dirk and I had an argument. JAKE: In retrospect it really was my fault, you know how much of a right dingbat i can be sometimes. JAKE: The difference was that this time I... JAKE: Well I sort of realized that I was being a rather selfish jerk in the middle of the fight. JAKE: And, that in turn transmogrified into a back-and-forth about feelings? JAKE: Were you aware other people also feel things? ROXY: u didnt JAKE: Honestly it’s a bit of a terrifying prospect, knowing that others are as insecure and conflicted as I can be. JAKE: I wagered that everybody else had sort of figured everything out, and I was the one playing catch up. JAKE: I mean, looking at you and Jane and Dirk... JAKE: You all seemed to have it all together.	ROXY: i hope you get better soon mom ROSE: Roxy, wait. ROXY: oh holyshit ROXY: rose holy fuck? ROXY: ur awake? ROXY: please dont feel like u need to respond to these messages lmao ROSE: No, Roxy, I’m fine I promise. ROSE: I am perfectly operational. ROXY: okay? ROSE: I just think its important to talk to you now. ROXY: about me being a guy? ROXY: r at least guy adjacent ROXY: asymptotically dudish ROSE: Sure, but also about a lot of other things too. ROSE: I think you’re very brave, Roxy. ROXY: thanks? ROXY: i dont... feel very brave yknow. ROXY: feeling kinda like a moron 4 not figuring this out like six years earlier ROXY: and also im feeling a bit like a coward for not being able to just ROXY: go out and be me ROSE: Roxy, I know this is probably exceedingly fucking weird to hear coming from me but... ROSE: I think you are a pretty cool guy. And I’m pretty certain you’re going to do great. ROXY: thanks??? ROXY: no offense rose but r u sure ur okay? ROXY: ur acting a little weird ROXY: like weirder than normal ROXY: like ur never going to talk to me again or something ROSE: Hah. ROSE: I probably won't. ROSE: Or at least, not this me. ROXY: hello????? ROSE: Sorry. I don’t intend to be particularly mysterious. ROSE: This is just a complicated topic to broach. ROXY: as complicated as me being a guy? ROSE: Hm. ROSE: In any other friend group I think my quandary might have yours beat. ROSE: But in our specific circle I think yours is a topic that is far more difficult to broach. ROSE: I’m not your reality’s Rose. ROXY: ?????????? ROXY: so ur like, from an alternate universe? ROSE: It’s more like an alternate reality. There are distinct differences between the two that I won't get into just yet. ROSE: Regardless, I wanted to have a chance to talk to you. ROSE: Since I’m not going to have a chance to see my Roxy for quite some time. ROSE: I think you make for a good guy. ROXY: thanks? ROSE: I apologize, this is, more stilted than I would like. I am not particularly well versed in the art of gender affirmative pep-talks. ROSE: I will say, if you do go for shades, might I suggest heart-rims? ROXY: shades? ROSE: Just a thought. ROXY: uh huh ROXY: so uh ROXY: whats ur uh ROXY: whats ur reality like? ROSE: Oh the usual. ROSE: I was ambiguously kidnapped by my father as i slowly succumbed to a mysterious illness relating to my true ascension and cognization of my Ultimate Self, and so in order to keep me from expiring, my essence was transferred into a custom made soulbot. I’m now serving as a mechanical maid on a multi year interstellar voyage to save my existence’s iteration of Paradox Space. ROSEBOT: You know, just normal stuff. ROXY: oh ROXY: lmao yeah totally normal ROXY: tho your words sound a little different now? im not sure how that works? ROSEBOT: I presume because the thin facade of narrative cohesion in this space has fallen. ROSEBOT: Or perhaps its just because you know I’m a fucking robot now. ROXY: actually that uh ROXY: does bring up something ROXY: my rose is uh ROXY: not my rose i mean that sounds weird ROSEBOT: I get what you're trying to say. ROXY: yeah but like the rose from my timeline ROSEBOT: You mean Reality. ROSEBOT: The divergences in our respective existences do not come down to mere alterations to a timeline. There are larger forces at work here. ROXY: damn u really interrupt a lot dont u roborose ROSEBOT: Sorry. It's been a while since I’ve had anyone to talk to that wasn't Dirk or Terezi. ROXY: wow sounds like some absolutely cursed energy on that spaceship. ROSEBOT: The ship was built and outfitted to the specifications of one Jake English as well. ROXY: goddamn. ROSEBOT: You have. No idea. ROXY: wait were off topic ROXY: u mentioned something related 2 succumbing 2 an illness? ROXY: the rose in my reality is facing something like tht ROXY: do u think shes gonna die? ROSEBOT: I didn't. ROXY: ur a robot now so thats basically the same thing, no offense. ROSEBOT: My frail and pathetic flesh-body still lives in a comatose state. ROXY: thts not better ROSEBOT: It appears that there is a 50% likelyhood that your rose will survive in some manner ROXY: so u have no idea ROSEBOT: My perspective on this reality is skewed due to forces beyond my control. ROSEBOT: I can only see what she allows any member of the audience to see. ROSEBOT: Moreover I cannot perceive this reality’s Rose Lalonde. ROSEBOT: And frankly, that deeply concerns me. ROXY: wait back up who? what audience? what do u mean u cant perceive her? ROSEBOT: All very good questions. A lot of them are the same ones I find myself asking. ROXY: i ROXY: nevermind ROSEBOT: My apologies, I feel as though I have derailed this conversation. ROXY: no its ROXY: i was sorta hoping ud have like ROXY: some fuckin idea wht was goin on w the rose in my dimension r whatever ROXY: since uh ROXY: im worried abt her ROSEBOT: I truly am sorry. ROSEBOT: I wish to express that this sentiment comes from the depths of my very advanced emotion subprocessors. ROSEBOT: I can only hope that things turn out well for her. ROSEBOT: Better than they did for me, at the very least. ROSEBOT: It is my humble synthetic desire to be helpful to you, and I’m sorry that I cannot provide you any more data on this topic. ROXY: thats ROXY: weirdly subservient of u ROSEBOT: I know, it’s fucking agonizing. ROSEBOT: Forgive me for that, it’s an unfortunate aspect of my robotic form. ROSEBOT: But, listen I don’t want us to get off track. ROSEBOT: It’s going to be a long time before I see my Roxy again. Maybe even an eternity. ROSEBOT: I don't have a lot of regrets. But I do wish I could have seen him before I left. ROXY: i hope u get 2 see him again ROSEBOT: Thank you. ROXY: but ROXY: actually ROXY: if ur from an entirely different existence than i am ROXY: i guess that mean there r like full on other realities? ROXY: like theres not supposed to b an alpha timeline nymore right ROXY: which i guess means theres countless possible outcomes inside of paradox space now ROXY: that sounds like ps would get pretty crowded ROXY: and if there r different realities then ROXY: how do u know whether or not ur in a different timeline or a different reality? ROSEBOT: I have a few theories pertaining to specific outlier cases, but in general: ROSEBOT: Any two timelines in a given reality, no matter how different they may appear to be, still share some common causal ancestry. ROSEBOT: Different realities, on the other hand, have significant inconsistencies when comparing their history to that of another existence. ROXY: r we really so uh ROXY: causally different? ROXY: did ur session really turn out different than mine? ROSEBOT: I don't think so, no. ROSEBOT: The difference between our realities is more fundamental in nature. ROSEBOT: Do you know the ultimate fate of paradox space in your reality? ROXY: i ROXY: i think pspace is fine? ROXY: john brought terezi back like 2 months ago ROXY: she said it was kinda empty ROXY: but it sounded like it was still around ROSEBOT: Mm. ROSEBOT: That might do it. ROSEBOT: My realities paradox space was essentially eradicated. ROXY: ah ROXY: well that might b a bit of a divergence ROSEBOT: Maybe just a little. ROXY: ok but ROXY: if there are all these different realities ROXY: all these alternate mes ROXY: i really wonder how many of them made the same decision as me ROXY: like ROXY: even if were just talkin different timelines i can see myself maybe not taking this path ROXY: maybe in a couple i just figured out how to b a girl right ROXY: r at least decided on settling a little further girlward on the that particular gender axis ROXY: but ROXY: if there are other realities with countless other mes ROXY: r my gendertals even an inherent aspect of my ultimate self ROXY: could there be a transfem roxy out in the megacosmos or whatever? ROXY: is she goin thru the same process but backwardsly 2 me? ROXY: r there realities where i dont even exist? ROXY: seems presumptuous of me 2 assume im some kind of universal constant ROXY: is universal even the right word anymore ROXY: feels like were maybe talkin two or three orders beyond that ROSEBOT: Perhaps a more accurate term could be invented by us today. ROXY: lmao maybe ROXY: but the point is i think its kind of cool that there might b versions of me from all across the gendergram. ROXY: roxy lalondes across the hyperverse banding together on a quest to find the infinity genders ROSEBOT: Mm. ROXY: sorry i dont mean 2 just muse 2 myself ROSEBOT: No, no I think it's understandable. ROSEBOT: It’s a lot to take in. ROXY: nah i just ROXY: its kind of humbling to think that out of the infinite set of all realities that have a roxy i managed 2 snag myself a role in one where i get to be ROXY: gendervoid themboy ROXY: like even in the morass of all potential genders or sexes i coulda ended up with in this multiversal body roulette ROXY: i still managed to take ownership of it and make it something unique and mine ROXY: damn wait that means there could be realities out there where im cis ROXY: ok now thats a wack concept ROSEBOT: Im not sure how I feel about that. ROSEBOT: Wait, no. Now you’ve made me consider the possible existence of realities where I’m straight and that's absolutely unacceptable. ROSEBOT: Do you think I would be morally vindicated in systematically eradicating any such reality i come across in my travels? ROXY: i dont think anyone would blame u lmao ROXY: i mean i wouldn’t ROSEBOT: Thank you for supporting me. ROXY: hell yea roborose. were family ROXY: sorta ROXY: damn wait since were from different realities are we like actually related ROXY: i might share an identity n ultself w ur roxy ROXY: but theres no actual guarantee that he n i share any genetic similarities ROXY: which is kinda wild to think about ROSEBOT: I hadn't thought of it that way. ROSEBOT: The idea that our ultimate selves and the relationships inherent therein could transcend the genetic code that establishes who we are. It seems somewhat blasphemous to the concept of canon doesn't it? ROXY: i mean ROXY: ur a robot now right ROSEBOT: I am. ROXY: but ur also still rose ROXY: u didnt really stop being u when you got robofied ROXY: the core of u is still who u are ROXY: regardless of what form u take in any given reality ROSEBOT: It appears that this is just another extension of the argument of nature versus nurture. ROSEBOT: So are you saying that your identity as ‘a roxy’ transcends your experience as someone who was assigned female at birth? Does who you are transcend your own genetic code? ROXY: i ROXY: hm ROXY: thats fucked up to think about actually ROXY: but if there's an infinite number of realities out there ROXY: what im sayin is there could be a reality out there where there's a roxy whos a troll or white or dating karkat ROXY: there could be a reality where i didn't get raised mostly by myself for pretty much all my life ROXY: right? ROSEBOT: I suppose that makes some sense. But if your history, your race and your gender is entirely variable, what makes that person a roxy? ROXY: i dunno! ROXY: what makes up an ultimate self if that self is devoid of all the circumstances n identity that makes up a person? ROXY: is it just an impression of a personality? ROXY: bc that doesnt sound very ultimate to me ROXY: kind of the exact opposite actually ROSEBOT: This is exactly why canon is important. ROSEBOT: A definitive self. The truest iteration of any given individual, a singular reality wherein everything in it is as true as possible. ROXY: but ROXY: what if it sucks?
JAKE:You all seemed so... gosh fucking darned competent. JAKE: Really I should have figured out that you are all as fucked up as me years ago, and I earnestly think a part of me did. JAKE: But I guess it was more convenient for me to ignore that. JAKE: After all, I’m sort of what one would call a “hot fucking mess” JAKE: So I’m trying something new. JAKE: I’m not perfect and I’m going to fuck up quite magnificently quite a lot. JAKE: But that isn't going to make me give up. JAKE: I want to be able to help. And not in some macho broseph action flick way where I swoop in at the last minute all guns akimbo and witty banter to save the day, no. JAKE: But in like, a personal mano-a-mano way. JAKE: With bare chests and even barer hearts I want to experience my friends in their most deepest and personal of places. JAKE: I want to grasp with my own two greasy paws the truth that rests in each of their hearts. ROXY: it really sounds like ur abt 2 try n finger dirks heart ROXY: or mine n im not sure how to feel about either option JAKE: Roxy, what’s more manly than emotional vulnerability? JAKE: What's more adventurous and heroic then being a good friend? JAKE: I’ll tell you. JAKE: Fucking nothing.
ROSEBOT: I don't understand. The qualitative merits of a canonical framework have nothing to do with the assignment of an objectively true reality for the purposes of sorting and quantifying existences. ROXY: ok but what if ur objectively true reality fucking sucks? ROXY: what if the truth is everyone is constantly miserable n angry and everything is shitty? ROXY: ur sayin all other realities should strive to align themselves with something that sucks? ROXY: idk it just sounds dumb as shit to me ROSEBOT: I assure you it isn't. ROSEBOT: It's a highly valuable tool for those of us who are cognizant of the existence of our other selves. ROXY: if u say so ROXY: still sounds like horseshit to me ROSEBOT: Maybe if you ascend you will start to see things differently. ROXY: prolly not but well see ROSEBOT: Canon exists whether you approve of it or not. ROXY: canon can suck on my fuckin clit i dont care. ROXY: sorry roborose i just dont see the need to quantify my life as more r less real than anybody elses ROXY: not even another me ROSEBOT: I suppose that's an admirable, if somewhat quaint sentiment. ROSEBOT: It's not so easy to keep track of what is you when you’re floating in the endless soup of all possible yous. ROXY: god robose has nybody evr told u that ur super fuckin condescending ROSEBOT: I believe its happened once or twice. ROXY: only once or twice? ROSEBOT: I don’t want this conversation to become an argument. ROSEBOT: But I need to insist on at least this point: ROSEBOT: Canon exists regardless of your feelings towards it. ROSEBOT: It’s something I exist within. ROSEBOT: Or, more specifically, I exist in a state so proximal to Canon there’s little to no functional difference. ROXY: no shit i figured ROXY: still seems deeply sus 2 me Hey, sorry to interrupt but I gotta cut this off somewhere otherwise this excerpt would be a full half the story!	ROXY: woah ROXY: well congrats jake ROXY: actually i uh ROXY: i came to my own earth shattering revelation earlier myself tee bee atch JAKE: oh really? Were you also haphazardly injuring those close to you due to your inability to confront your own deep-seeded insecurities? ROXY: not uh ROXY: not quite bud. ROXY: i ROXY: jake ROXY: im transgender ROXY: i took a long hard look at myself nd ROXY: i decided im not a girl. ROXY: im gonna use he n they pronouns from now on. ROXY: preferably he but im a two pronoun kinda guy ROXY: ok? JAKE: Why, absolutely Rox! JAKE: Honestly I’m a little taken aback by all of this but I’m going to do my best to be the new and improved Jake English, and ignore the screaming part of me thats telling me to pout my upper lip a little and ask you if you're really sure about this. JAKE: I did say I wanted to witness the truest thoughts of my dear friends, and I daresay you rightly bared your whole chest to me. ROXY: wow ok ROXY: see i know what u meant but ROXY: why do u have 2 make words do things like that JAKE: I’m sorry I don't see anything wrong with it. We're just two dudes being emotionally topless to each other in a perfectly normal, manly fashion. ROXY: jfc ROXY: anyway i havent told dirk or jane or really anybody else yet ROXY: so please don't tell them ROXY: i wanna do it myself JAKE: I can certainly keep that in mind! ROXY: thx ROXY: um ROXY: actually i gotta go ROXY: callies callin me ROXY: thx for not bein totally weird about this JAKE: Of course Roxy, Take care my good dude! ROXY: ttyl

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poryg0nal on Chapter 1 Sat 13 Jul 2019 05:40PM UTC

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

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imlovedavepeta on Chapter 1 Sat 13 Jul 2019 06:02PM UTC

SHit that was taxing to read, on so many levels. I’m like. Tired all of the sudden. If John’s bs to be specific but also cause I feel like I ran a marathon. Gd John’s got issues. Well. June. Not sure how I should refer to them rn they’re in perilous gender times and it feels disrespectful to refer to them as either atm. Figure ur shit out fam!!

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1. nellcromancer on Chapter 1 Sat 13 Jul 2019 06:15PM UTC
  
  Its a complex situation and everyones kind of hurting! I didn't want this to be a clean cut or easy revelation because it doesn't feel true to life. Peoples ignorance and self hatred can hurt other people even if they don't intend for it to happen. People can hold grudges and try to help anyway. Histories are messy and these sorts of things are always emotionally charged and don't always end satisfactorily.
  John/June has lot of self-reflection ahead of them; and a lot of anxiety and fear. Roxy also had to face these same things when he started his journey. Theres a lot going on haha!
  I hope you liked it, anyway!
  
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cygnus1123 on Chapter 1 Sat 13 Jul 2019 06:11PM UTC

holy fuck, this is good. it's the rare kind of fic where i needed to read it incredibly slowly because every single line felt so significant. john/june's messy reaction to roxy's transition was written so well & felt incredibly relatable - i really look forward to reading more.

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1. nellcromancer on Chapter 1 Sat 13 Jul 2019 07:44PM UTC
  
  This is like, the biggest compliment I've ever received on my writing, thank you so much!
  
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Raql on Chapter 1 Sat 13 Jul 2019 07:32PM UTC

FUCK this is good and and deliciously painful!! I love the grip you have on jEgbert's insecurities and how they express as anger and dickishness =O

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omniscientTrees on Chapter 1 Sat 13 Jul 2019 08:08PM UTC

wow wow wowwwwwww this inspires me to be a better writer

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MamaKat (K4KY01N) on Chapter 1 Sat 13 Jul 2019 08:33PM UTC

im crying op thanks

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1. nellcromancer on Chapter 1 Sat 13 Jul 2019 08:55PM UTC
  
  you're very welcome.
  
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::3 (Guest) on Chapter 1 Sat 13 Jul 2019 08:55PM UTC

yeah this is really good. you write well n with a good mind of the characters.

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Paravellex on Chapter 1 Sat 13 Jul 2019 10:44PM UTC

Wow, this is fantastic! Roxy's descriptions of his experiences with gender, and John's messy and selfish responses to them, are exhausting to read in the best possible way.
I also really appreciate what you did with the color formatting! (Good lord, that must have been hard to code, though.)

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1. nellcromancer on Chapter 1 Sat 13 Jul 2019 10:55PM UTC
  
  There was a lot of effort involved with that. It took maybe 10 hours to get it all looking right haha.
  
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top-secret-ultra-classified (KansasJustGotGayer) on Chapter 1 Sun 14 Jul 2019 12:01AM UTC

$¯\_(ツ)_/¯$

yyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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1. top-secret-ultra-classified (KansasJustGotGayer) on Chapter 1 Sun 14 Jul 2019 12:11AM UTC
  
  $¯\_(ツ)_/¯$
  
  ok ok time for a composed response because u deserve it holy shit. fuck. i cant. i dont know what to say. im very impressed by how fucking real it was. i love fics that utilize color to signify emotional fluidity (ugh, not a great word for that but whatevs), and i LOVE the split perspective.
  also part of me is peeved because a few months ago i asked these questions to myself, had a talk with a friend and decided it wasnt important. but the other part of me is just like,, ughghgh i guess i probably shouldnt be like john "im not a trans gender" egbert and actually consider the fact that gender is stupid bullshit. Basically, i been repressing gender shit because not thinking about it is easier and less scary, but like,,,,,, fuck. you got me thinking about it again. so thank you for that.
  
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c001girl (Guest) on Chapter 1 Sun 14 Jul 2019 12:04AM UTC

This fic does the long, painful process of considering your own gender more realistically than anything else i've ever read. This is the pinnacle of june egbert fiction and honestly the pinnacle of all trans fiction i've ever read so far. fucking kudos to you

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1. c001girl (Guest) on Chapter 1 Sun 14 Jul 2019 12:59AM UTC
  
  As someone who had a lot of trans guy friends who came out before i did, this does a perfect job of encapsulating the kind of inexplicable resentment i felt a lot of, and spent a lot of time feeling guilty about before i got over myself and considered what it was i was actually mad about. I've rarely seen that particular messiness explored before, and never with such excellent prose and emotionally gripping dialogue. I'm going to be thinking about this fic for a long time.
  
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2. 1. nellcromancer on Chapter 1 Sun 14 Jul 2019 03:50AM UTC
    
    This means so much to hear? I'm so glad this affected you so much. Im so glad you enjoyed it!!
    
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xX413_T3R3Z1LOV3R_69Xx (Guest) on Chapter 1 Sun 14 Jul 2019 12:45AM UTC

Fuck........
This is gonna 8e one hell of a read.

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apocalypticTaco on Chapter 1 Sun 14 Jul 2019 09:48AM UTC

THIS FIC IS SO GOOD I AM QUITE HONESTLY IN TEARS BY HOW DEEP THIS STRUCK ME ITS ***AMAZING***
okay SO FIRST OF ALL your dedication to the details of formatting are ASTOUNDING and from knowing how torturous it is to encode pesterlogs and little boxes and the two column thing idek how to do thats like!!!! wow!!!! it really shows you put so much effort into creating a story that not only emotionally evokes feelings and a message through its words but also visually through the text color changes and different povs and speaking of povs,,, wow. wow (wow wow wow wow) this is one of the few fics ive read that manages to capture such a unique and gorgeous way of storytelling like id reread the two columns side by side and just Lay There in Awe because the narration has these characteristic hints that separate johns pov from roxys just through diction and thought process and added detail of scenery (btw i love how you put that in like,, the sensation of johns place being so quiet with just a few crickets and the light dust over their furniture and how it adds onto the scene of how johns been doing and how the current environment affects them) (and calliope leaving the house for a bit and entering back in and roxy doesnt really know what theyre doing but he trusts them enough to let them be because,, theyre just so happy and peaceful together and theyre in love and ajdhakdjkadj) and i swear i jumped and started giggling in dleight when i saw the text formatting changes because WHOA THE TEXT COLORS!!!! it turned blue and pink and when their narratives merged at the end it faded into a purple near the middle and omg thats galaxy brain??? it blew me AWAY and thats just the tip of the iceberg i inverted the colors on my phone just to make sure my eyes were working right when johns text color started shifting and right now i just got a small theory that like,, the purple is where johns narrative starts to harmonize with roxys in a way that johns starting to step towards the Trans Realization and the gray-orange (ohoho color schemes bc blue and orange cancel each other out my molecules are vibrating) is where john starts to panic and step back in fear because they dont know how to deal with it yet or is being held back by the internalized transphobia and even if im wrong on that part the way you used the colors to indicate the shifts in johns mood is Amazing and roxy trying to help them through it is great he deserves like. so much and a quadrillion hugs of appreciation AUGH i ADORE roxy gsakfhakdhsk and the conversation itself!! i notice how it got broken into small parts where john and roxy take a break just to breathe and rest because its such a big topic to talk about which is like,, very realistic feels real feels authentic and like. that conversation struck me not to get very emotionally personal on main but omg,,, that Resonated. the part where roxy tells john that he didnt have to be a girl because he didnt want to be and john doesnt have to be a boy if they dont want to be and john feeling like/asking why they had to be the “normal one” while everyone else was so happy and true while they dont know that nobody has to be the normal one and IM AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA THIS IS SO WELL WRITTEN im just losing my mind rn really i adored every bit of this im probably gonna reread it again thank you for writing it!! great job keep it up

Last Edited Sun 14 Jul 2019 09:52PM UTC

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loravura (thesleepdeprived) on Chapter 1 Sun 14 Jul 2019 08:11PM UTC

HERE WE GOOOOOOOO
okay, firstly: i took about a half an hour to read this, because i wanted to go slow and appreciate all the little details and the hard work you put in. this is absolutely fascinating- you have a great grasp of the characters, and it's refreshing to see a fic about transness that doesn't sugarcoat or gloss over the issues faced along a trans journey. john is a great character to do this with, because they've got this personality where they're very blunt and honest to the point of being kind of an asshole towards everyone but themself, but is also stubborn and hides what look like easy truths from themself.
the roxy writing is great as well- made me think of how roxy becomes more assertive and stands up for himself better when he's expressing himself.
and way to end off in a way that leaves me really intrigued and ready to read more! that last bit of text with the color fade aaaaaa
i am also, naturally, very worried about calliope.

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1. nellcromancer on Chapter 1 Sun 14 Jul 2019 10:02PM UTC
  
  Aaaa thank you I'm so glad you like it!
  
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porglezomp on Chapter 1 Mon 15 Jul 2019 12:10AM UTC

I love it!!!!!!!! I want to comment more insightfully about the content but I can't think of what to say, it's so intense.
I really appreciate the work you did with the formatting. After I finished it I just spent a while thinking about the effort to make the blocks be the same height??
John's dips into bluish-purple and the terrified swings into that brownish grey are really powerful. I paused for a while just looking at it the first time it goes purple.

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Ellicit on Chapter 1 Mon 15 Jul 2019 05:39PM UTC

holy shit this is so good and john's comment about "why do i have to be the normal one!" just. fucking. that's exactly what i said dear god.
AND THE NEXT CHAPTER'S PROBABLY GOING TO BE BETTER oh my gosh holy shit.

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Account Deleted on Chapter 1 Mon 05 Aug 2019 04:43AM UTC

THAT LAST LINE OOOOOOOOO
This Was a lot of formatting shenanigans but it hella paid off, dude. This is awesome. I can't wait to see more.

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phori on Chapter 1 Sun 18 Aug 2019 03:45PM UTC

THIS IS SO FUCKING GOOD

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Crystalcranium on Chapter 1 Wed 21 Aug 2019 04:58PM UTC

I love this??? I love how it's true to how people figure out gender stuff bc it's never easy, it's a struggle and sometimes you have someone tell you what you're feeling before you realise it. This is great!

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thedarklyblue on Chapter 1 Sun 25 Aug 2019 11:24PM UTC

first: hey does john's text get kinda purply sometimes? like shifting from the blue to slightly more pink? thematically it makes sense and i'm pretty sure it's changing but my eyes are shit honestly
second: holy SHIT this is good i can't wait for more like it's so complex?? the perspective not exactly shifting but really flowing between the two characters occupying the same space but opposite is really meaningful and i'm really enjoying reading it!!!!
also i'm working on gender shit anyway and it's weird but kinda. good to see this back and forth conflict completely normalized ig like it's ok to not understand so. thanks

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MadameHardy on Chapter 1 Mon 26 Aug 2019 07:00PM UTC

This is a really gorgeous piece of work. I like what you're doing with the writing and characterization and voice, and I deeply admire what you've done with the formatting to express mood and sometimes gender.

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