Chapter Text
Here was Lan Zhan’s favorite place: a bedroom with four walls, a bed with soft sheets (indulgent) and three pillows (excessive). That day there was music playing softly from a phone placed atop the bed, songs with heavy beats that he didn’t recognize at all. He assumed this was ‘pop music’. It was not his own bedroom, cluttered more than Lan Zhan’s had ever been, but for quite some time, it felt something like ‘home’ despite that.
Here was Lan Zhan’s favorite person: bright grey eyes, twinkling often with mischief, messy black hair that always seemed to be on the verge of needing to be trimmed (though it was soft, sweet-smelling). A boy almost always laughing, outspoken, brash, rude.
(Thoughtful, sensitive, trying so hard, loving, generous. Kind, above all else, so unfailingly kind that it made Lan Zhan’s chest ache.)
Wei Ying.
At just seventeen, Lan Zhan wasn’t necessarily sure of much in the world, but he was rather sure of Wei Ying, or at least the feelings that he had around him.
This bedroom wasn’t his favorite place because it was Wei Ying’s, nor because it was particularly cozy, but simply because it was the space that Wei Ying was occupying with him at the moment. His true favorite place to be, he’s found, was simply by Wei Ying’s side.
He had feelings for his best friend.
But Lan Zhan was no fool, seventeen though he may have been. He’s practical, very realistic, so he has no illusions about the situation. His family had always been strict, especially his uncle, but amongst all the rules, traditions and moral guidelines that had been imparted onto him, Lan Zhan had walked away with something else, too.
Love, he realized, was something to commit to.
At first that had been only a vague thought, something distant in the back of his mind as a younger child, but it solidified as he got older.
The stories about his great, great, great, great grandfather, Lan An, had indeed inspired him, though perhaps not in the way his uncle had intended. While he had been a virtuous, kind man, deeply thoughtful of others and the universe alike, he had also been a romantic. That part of the story had always been skimmed over, but that had only left Lan Zhan more curious. Lan An had traveled for years, certain that there was a soulmate in this world for him, a person he was meant to be with, one he was eager to meet.
He’d devoted his whole life to her and when she passed away, he was said to have never looked at another.
His father, too, Lan Zhan realized, had gone to great lengths to pursue a relationship with his mother. He and his brother didn’t know the details, only that according to their father, she ‘wasn’t perfect’ and ‘had made some mistakes, like everyone else,’ that he had faced strong resistance to the idea of marrying her and done it anyway.
Whether or not soulmates exist for sure, Lan Zhan wasn’t positive, but he knew that love was something special, something to hold onto, something to fight for. There were plenty of different opinions on the topic, of course, with no real consensus on the idea of love or one’s fated person, but Lan Zhan hadn’t ever felt deterred.
At seventeen, he expected to be scoffed at or be given a fond, amused smile by adults who think he’s naive, but already Lan Zhan was sure that he knew the most important thing of all about love. Love was what you make of it; it’s a choice, like his father made, and kept making.
So in his mind, Lan Zhan had likely already met the one meant for him. He has always been realistic, though, and known that may not mean that it was mutual, or that it would manage to work out. Despite that, or maybe because of that, Lan Zhan’s eyes fell upon Wei Ying’s bare ankle, which darted out to hit Lan Zhan in the knee by accident as Wei Ying shifted on the bed, and almost expected to see a string of red there.
“Ah, sorry Lan Zhan! But do you know what I mean?” Wei Ying continued chatting immediately, undeterred, and Lan Zhan didn’t even try to interrupt. He only gave a small shake of his head to indicate there was no problem, no apology needed, and he saw Wei Ying’s lips curl into a smile to acknowledge that, even as he was talking. Lan Zhan would be the first to admit that he had very little frame of reference for friendships, but in moments like these, he couldn’t help but feel like they’re… good. Together. For each other.
“Jin Zixuan is a jerk,” Wei Ying went on to say, letting out a huff, “and I don’t know what jiejie even sees in him! He’s not good enough for her, but she says they’re ‘serious’.” Wei Ying made air quotes with his fingers, lips pursed in clear distaste. “What does that even mean?” It seemed somewhat self-explanatory to Lan Zhan, but he couldn’t exactly say that without giving away his own understanding of romantic feelings. If he were less stiff as a person, he might have shrugged. “She says I’ll understand when I’m older, but I’m already seventeen? I don’t need to be old to understand that Jin Zixuan’s a dick. What else is there to understand?”
On the one hand, Lan Zhan felt a bit offended, since Jiang Yanli wasn’t much older than them, but on the other hand… he’s been witness to Wei Ying proudly exclaiming that he’s a three-year-old in order to get attention from his older sister, so maybe she had a point.
The acceptance of that was difficult. The idea that Wei Ying may simply not be ready or capable of returning his feelings right now was something that caused Lan Zhan quite a bit of pain, admittedly, but as always, he did his best to stamp down on that. Wei Ying was worth waiting for, and it wasn’t as if he had harbored any resentment about their friendship.
Truth be told, while there definitely was a part of Lan Zhan yearned for a change to his relationship with Wei Ying, he knew that he could be content this way as well. If Wei Ying was never interested in such things, for example, Lan Zhan wouldn't have any problems staying by his side regardless. The connection between them meant too much to him to let go of.
Things hadn't started off perfectly with the two of them, but that only made what they have now feel all the more special. It's a closeness that they worked towards, put effort into, and it felt rewarding as a consequence. When they'd first met, Lan Zhan had found Wei Ying to be incredibly obnoxious, and he'd misinterpreted all of his intentions.
... To be fair, Wei Ying's admitted himself that he went about things the wrong way to a degree. Wei Ying had been used to people who were far less quiet and uptight than Lan Zhan was, so his approach towards him had been all wrong. Figuring out that Lan Zhan was feeling more like Wei Ying was making fun of him than anything else had been an important step towards actual communication, and once they were talking, it wasn't hard to understand each other.
Wei Ying probably never genuinely had ill intent in his life, which Lan Zhan could see now as plain as day. On his side of things, he wasn’t sure there was much to misconstrue; he had been more judgmental when he was younger, uncomfortable with how open and loud Wei Ying was in comparison to the people he'd been raised around.
It's those differences that Lan Zhan now treasured, however —Wei Ying was so bright, in every sense. He shined, made his presence known, didn’t fear reaching out or trying a new approach to things, and Lan Zhan struggled with all of that. The amount of admiration he had for his best friend was more than he could say.
When did that admiration turn to love? He had wondered that many a time. The answer, as far as he could tell, was something more complicated. Lan Zhan wasn’t sure whether he could call it 'love at first sight,' but it was something close to that. Maybe something as simple as 'attachment at first meeting,' because Lan Zhan knew that he had walked away from their encounter already wondering when he might see Wei Ying again.
Having another person consume so much of his thoughts had been completely new, and he'd been frustrated by it at first. Part of why he'd rebuffed Wei Ying so many times was purely because of his own emotions, his inability to deal with them. At fifteen, that's par for the course to a degree, but Lan Zhan still felt a little guilty for it. If he could go back, he'd never snap at Wei Ying at all and instead eagerly soak up the extra time they would have together if their friendship had gotten off on the right foot.
They were still young, of course, but love made you eager for time with a person. Lan Zhan had never paid much attention to his phone or anything until Wei Ying started messaging him—now he found himself looking forward to every message they sent each other, hoping to sneak in several each day. His responses were brief, but just like in their verbal conversations, that never deterred Wei Ying.
Lan Zhan treasured every glimpse into his day that he offered, all of the mundane, all of the bad.
Love, Lan Zhan had found, was about the simplest things at the end of the day. He loved Wei Ying, so all of his thoughts were of interest, his every day was of concern. Wei Ying was a cheerful person who didn’t often rely on others, usually refusing to let his sadness show, but Lan Zhan had started to learn to read between the lines. He overcompensated, forcing smiles, using even more emoji (a word which Lan Zhan would still not say aloud, just to watch Wei Ying's cute frustration) than usual in his texts, things that Wei Ying thought no one noticed, but Lan Zhan did.
He committed himself to learning that much, to understanding his best friend as much as one could understand another person. There's very little about Wei Ying that took him by surprise, now, very little that threw him for a loop.
That's why it's so remarkable that when he continued speaking, "And it's not like I've never dated or anything either! So I don't get what I'm missing,” Lan Zhan suddenly felt like the entire world ground to a halt.
It was a strange sensation, suddenly feeling very hollow, his heart beating quickly, too quickly, but not moving an inch. In fact, Lan Zhan felt frozen solid, stuck in this moment, trying to process those words. He hadn't known, had assumed that Wei Ying had never indulged in that sort of thing, just like Lan Zhan himself hadn't. In hindsight, maybe that had been foolish, since Wei Ying was so much more personable than he was, so extroverted and friendly, of course someone would want to be with him that way, of course—
"Lan Zhan? You don’t have to look so surprised, haha! I know, it's hard to imagine me dating, but..."
'That's not it,’ he wanted to say, because Lan Zhan never wanted to agree with something that put Wei Ying down, not really, but he couldn’t get the words out.
"When?" he asked instead, and his own voice sounded weak to his ears, a terrifying prospect. What if Wei Ying noticed? What if he wanted to know why? Lan Zhan didn’t really lie, he's no good at such things, and he has no idea what sort of answer would be plausible for this. It's complicated anyway since half of his upset was simply because he didn't know, not to mention the pain that came from imagining Wei Ying dating someone else.
Lan Zhan didn’t own Wei Ying, he knew that much, but there was still a selfish, weak part of himself that could only think 'Why not me? Why not me?' again and again. He'd never be prepared for the answer to that, knew it would hurt like a knife to the heart, but he wanted to ask anyway.
(He thought about the way that Wei Ying had fallen asleep on his shoulder, hugged him so tightly that he couldn't breathe, told him his secrets, told Lan Zhan that he was his favorite person, and all he could ever think was 'Why not me'?)
Wei Ying paused, eyes wide and blinking. "Oh! Um, it was before we got really close?” Wei Ying explained, rubbing the back of his neck as if it was no big deal, as if he hadn’t just sent Lan Zhan’s entire world teetering on its axis. “Nothing lasted very long, and I guess maybe that's what jiejie's saying, but still!"
'He isn't mine,’ Lan Zhan reminded himself, but it ached. It felt like a rejection even when it really wasn’t. He was jumping to conclusions, but somehow it felt like his chance was gone now. It was hard to imagine himself appealing to Wei Ying this way if other people already have—Lan Zhan knew that he was quiet, some might even say boring, that he hardly laughed, barely knew how to have fun...
It hit Lan Zhan, then, that he knew the answer to his question, or rather, he had been asking the wrong one. It wasn’t 'why not me' —it was really more like 'why would it be me', wasn’t it?
Wei Ying was so bright.
"I just... It's like, how do you know what they're like if you haven't been friends first or something, right? Jiejie barely knows that peacock!" Wei Ying continued, gesticulating animatedly. Lan Zhan was still panicking, still feeling sort of sick, but he was also still listening— an instinct that was impossible for him to shut off when it came to Wei Ying. "I just don't think he'd make a good husband! He's spoiled 'cause he's some rich trust fund baby, and he used to be such a jerk to her... If they get married, he's gonna make jiejie do everything and she's going to be miserable, I just know it!"
This conversation wasn’t about him and Wei Ying, Lan Zhan knew that, and because of it, he desperately wanted to shift his focus back to Jiang Yanli, to be able to be what Wei Ying wanted and needed right now, at least, even if that was only an ear to listen.
It was not about him. Lan Zhan was being selfish.
(But how many people had Wei Ying dated? Did they even treat him well? Did it end of his own volition or was he left brokenhearted? The very idea of that outcome pained Lan Zhan to consider.)
"He may have changed," Lan Zhan offered, a less insightful response than he would have hoped.
"Yeah, maybe," Wei Ying mumbled, but he didn’t look satisfied by it, chewing on the inside of his cheek, frowning. "But no one changes that easily, right? Sometimes you can just tell who would be an awful spouse and who would be good... Like, you'd make a great husband, Lan Zhan!"
Ah.
It hurt to hear, but it hurt even more that he could have once taken that statement in such a hopeful way, but right now he didn’t feel capable.
More than anything, it felt like a taunt—he'd never expect that sort of thing from Wei Ying, though, so it must just be from the universe, somehow.
Was it wrong of him to ask about such a statement, to fish for a compliment or two? To hear something of what Wei Ying thought made for good traits in a partner? Probably. With the intentions Lan Zhan held behind asking, that was probably wrong of him, but he couldn’t help it.
"Why do you think so?"
It was Wei Ying's turn to look a little startled, it seemed, because he blinked a few times, his eyes wider than usual.
"Um," he started, gaze darting away. He seemed unsure, which wasn’t entirely common coming from Wei Ying. Briefly, Lan Zhan wondered if he didn't quite mean it, but he dismissed that easily. Wei Ying didn’t lie, especially not to him. He's never really had any reason to. "Well, a lot of reasons?” Wei Ying began again, voice slightly softer than before as he looked back up at Lan Zhan. “Like, you're a really good listener, you're really neat? Ah, like, cool, but also good at cleaning and organizing and stuff. You're always helping me out, you never judge anybody..."
The tips of Lan Zhan’s ears felt uncomfortably warm, as did his neck. Lan Zhan had never been more grateful that he didn’t blush so obviously before that moment; it felt like an absolute blessing. He was sure that Wei Ying would tease him, good-naturedly, but it would still make Lan Zhan want to hide, having his feelings so blatantly on display.
"Thank you," Lan Zhan said softly, so quiet that it almost came out as a whisper. It was hard to look Wei Ying in the eyes.
Wei Ying grinned broadly at him, and then, for some reason, practically threw himself on Lan Zhan. He had always been a tactile person, something Lan Zhan had to get used to over the years, but it never ceased to make Lan Zhan’s heart stutter. Wei Ying had one arm around Lan Zhan's shoulders, his cheek pressed against one of them, so close that Lan Zhan could tilt his head to the side and rest it against Wei Ying's.
Resolutely, he didn’t move an inch.
"Who said I was done!? Let me say nice things about you, Lan Zhan!" Wei Ying demanded, the energy returning to his voice as he smiled up at Lan Zhan. Lan Zhan nodded, feeling more and more like there was heat growing in his cheeks, too. Looking satisfied, Wei Ying straightened up, eyes bright as he continued. "Ahem, now, where was I? Right! You're not judgmental, you work really hard and always stand up for what you believe in! And even if you’re not that expressive, you’re actually really sensitive and one of the most thoughtful people I know! You’re also really funny and always know how to make me laugh! Oh, and you're handsome, too, obviously—probably the most handsome man I’ve ever seen in my life!"
Wei Ying paused, letting out a sigh and catching his breath, letting more of his weight fall against Lan Zhan's side.
"I dunno! There's too many things. I think..." Suddenly Wei Ying sat up, twisting his torso to look Lan Zhan in the eyes. There was a soft smile on his features that made Lan Zhan's breath catch in his throat, made his heart stumble over his feelings for Wei Ying again, and Wei Ying had simply no idea how much Lan Zhan cared for him, how he made his heart race. "I think I'd want to marry somebody like you, Lan Zhan!"
It hurt. It hurt, it stung like nothing else ever has, and Lan Zhan didn’t understand how this conversation could possibly keep getting worse, more and more tailored to breaking his heart, but it did.
What words were there for something like that? Lan Zhan didn’t know what to do, he had no idea whether this moment was meant to be one in which he took a step, made a bold move and suggested that perhaps Wei Ying should consider him, then, if he felt that way, or if he should sit back and just listen. He was much more comfortable with the latter, unsure of how to express himself that well and also afraid of ruining things between them, of making Wei Ying feel awkward or obligated... but it really did ache.
"Yeah," Wei Ying said, more softly now, "that'd be nice." Lan Zhan's certain that he had to be imagining the note in his voice that sounded the slightest bit wistful, and scolded himself accordingly. "Do you want kids, Lan Zhan? I think I do. I think you'd be a good dad! Like, maybe a little strict, but, that's not really a bad thing, you know? You'd just need somebody to help balance that out!"
At seventeen, Lan Zhan couldn’t say that he had given much serious thought to having children of his own or not, but faced with the question from Wei Ying, there was only one answer. It wasn’t responsible, he knew, to make a decision just based off of Wei Ying's desires, but that wasn’t exactly what he was doing, really... It's just that if he was doing it with Wei Ying, raising children together, Lan Zhan was certain that any hardships would be worth it, would feel less impossible because they had each other.
It didn’t help that it was easy to imagine Wei Ying as a father, since he was so friendly—when they’ve been out walking around, Wei Ying often smiled and waved at babies in strollers or in their parent's arms, had treated grade school aged children to a popsicle or the like sometimes as well. It was his inherent goodness that made Wei Ying give off an aura that relaxed others, made them feel safer, a little lighter—it wasn’t hard to see how affectionate and protective he would be over his own children.
So when Lan Zhan choked out a "Yes," it was said knowing that this was a decision he should make by himself, for himself, but for him, it was impossible to separate the concept of wanting children in itself from wanting them with Wei Ying.
"Really?" Wei Ying asked him, eyes a little wide, and Lan Zhan almost felt a bit affronted at the surprise in his voice.
Instead of reacting that way externally, though, he simply nodded. "Mm."
"Lan Zhan..." Wei Ying straightened up slowly, turned towards Lan Zhan, looking at him with an intensity that made Lan Zhan nervous, a grin tugging at his lips. "I just had a great idea. Hear me out, okay?"
This wasn’t going to end well. In what way, Lan Zhan wasn’t sure, but it was not going to be a harmless proposal, that was for sure. It never was.
"What if... What if we got married?"
Lan Zhan felt a little bit like he had just been hit upside the head with a bat. As subtly as he could manage, he pinched his own thigh—hard.
Not a dream.
It still felt like one.
Foolishly, because Lan Zhan didn’t know how to just accept something good when it was being handed to him, because he couldn’t shake the feeling that this wasn’t how things should go, he asked "Why?"
Fortunately, this didn’t seem to dampen Wei Ying's enthusiasm.
"Well, we're best friends, right? We know we work well together, that we can handle conflict and stuff, that we're good at communicating and making up." Wei Ying was rambling, there was no space for Lan Zhan to interject with an 'Are we?' even if he really intended to. "And you like my cooking!! Do you know how hard it is to find people who have a proper appreciation for spice? It's so hard, Lan Zhan..."
Was this Jiang Yanli's influence? Jin Zixuan had been impressed with her cooking, hadn't he? Once he'd found out that it was Jiang Yanli doing it? Did Wei Ying think that appreciation for a partner's cooking was a necessary component to marriage? It didn’t hurt, Lan Zhan supposed, but it wasn’t a requirement, surely, nor a reason specifically to marry someone...
"And there's, like, tax benefits and stuff! We could totally live together! We're best friends!" Wei Ying just said that once before, but Lan Zhan didn’t speak up in this moment, either, feeling far too stunned to formulate words, most likely. "You said you wanted kids, too, right? So it's perfect! You know how I mentioned balance? I could be the balance! I mean, I'm not gonna be totally hands-off or anything, but I'd teach the kids how to have fun!"
Why did Wei Ying have to keep saying that word with a plural? Why didn’t he understand that he was quite possibly going to cause Lan Zhan's heart to burst out of his chest?
Again, because Lan Zhan was a fool: "What if there's someone you'd rather marry?" Lan Zhan had to bring that up, had to mention the potential that Wei Ying could meet someone else entirely and wish for a life with them more earnestly than this.
To his credit, Wei Ying seemed to genuinely give that some thought. Wei Ying deflated a little, his brow furrowed like he encountered a roadblock that he hadn't seen coming at all.
"I guess... I guess that's true? I wouldn't want to ruin your chances with anyone, Lan Zhan, haha!" The laugh stung even though Lan Zhan knew there was no cruelty in his words, because Wei Ying would only ever genuinely want the best for him, he was that sort of person. Lan Zhan just wasn’t ready or brave enough to tell him that the only chances he cared about were the ones they were discussing right now, the chances of Wei Ying wanting to marry him in five years, or maybe ten, whatever he preferred.
Lan Zhan nodded anyway.
"If you met someone..." Lan Zhan began, though he was genuinely unsure whether he could spell the rest of it out, dictate to Wei Ying what would hurt him most.
Lucky for him, Wei Ying responded quickly, and very kindly cut him off. "Right, right. It's just being realistic to leave our options open, right?"
"Mm."
It was realistic to leave Wei Ying's open, at least, because he had a far better chance of actually falling in love with someone and cultivating a relationship with them than Lan Zhan ever would. Lan Zhan was just not that sort of person, not really... Lan Zhan wasn’t entirely sure what to call it, because something about calling himself 'shy' didn’t feel right, but it wasn’t that he didn’t care about others, either. He was happy to help people, genuinely enjoyed volunteering and whatnot, but he very much did those things because they were the right things to do, rather than any desire for interaction with others.
Wei Ying was just an exception, or an anomaly, or truly just too right for him to ignore.
"Yeah," Wei Ying said under his breath, nodding like he had made up his mind, "that makes sense. Okay, yeah. So let's say... Maybe if we're thirty? That seems good, right? I feel like everyone always says you should be married by the time you’re thirty, so… Yeah, if we're both still single at thirty... We'll just marry each other!"
Lan Zhan knew that it might be wrong of him, but hearing something like that just gave him a sense of certainty. There was a clear path to the goal that he wanted to achieve now, at least on his side of things. He would never be selfish enough to sabotage any of Wei Ying's potential relationships, but for his own part, he could ensure that nothing interfered. If, by some small miracle, they made it to thirty and were both unspoken for, Lan Zhan could have the life he wanted with Wei Ying.
Of course, that wasn’t to say that he wouldn't like more. It wasn’t like Lan Zhan would ever dream of complaining if Wei Ying realized sooner that he wanted to marry Lan Zhan and Lan Zhan alone, that they didn't need some promise like this at all, but he was prepared to wait.
He was prepared to be good to him, too, to prove that Wei Ying was right, that he truly could be a good husband. If Lan Zhan was lucky, or even luckier than he would have already gotten simply by being able to marry him at all, maybe Wei Ying would fall in love with him one day in return.
If not, it was still a life with him, it was still a strong possibility of raising children together with him, and who would be foolish enough to turn that down?
"At thirty, then," Lan Zhan confirmed, no trace of doubt or discomfort in his tone.
It was only thirteen years. He could wait.