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It was Monday 11th of July and Gavin didn’t show up for work. That was quite unusual, given his personality and fervour he held for it. No one had no idea where he was or what he was doing or why he didn’t come. No one did care about these things. No one but now a considerably worried android. It was stupid really, their relationship that was. Months spent hiding their mutual attraction behind endless bickering and meaningless fights. Both too stubborn, too competitive to give in, waiting for the other one to make that first mistake. Not one of them was meant to win, as in the end it turned out to be a very reciprocal action that revealed their true intentions. One of their many spats escalated to the point where enemies would start punching each other. But they were no enemies. So instead of violence they ended up in very different physical closeness. Connor didn’t want his first kiss to be that way, angry and demanding, soaked in need and repressed feelings. Trying to devour each other as their teeth were clashing together and their hands busy pulling at one another’s hair and clothes, like as if it was enough to keep them from falling. But it wasn’t and so after that too short and too wet a kiss one of them left the other one standing there all alone, undone and lacking, his pain all visible in the red on his temple. That was the last time he saw him and he wasn’t alright since then. Thinking he would see the man again on Monday, he forced himself to spend the weekend without letting anyone, not even himself, know that something was eating away his stable mind. He thought that maybe the yearning would diminish, that it would slowly disappear. Against all his effort it only got stronger and harder to live with. He had feelings for that man that he couldn’t escape from, that much he learned in those two agonizing days. Was it truly such a terrible thing? Now if only they’d go both ways. He was certain that he’d find out soon, for better or worse. He didn’t account for this kind of situation. It was the afternoon now and Connor grew so anxious he had to go steady himself somewhere private, like the DPD’s bathroom. Which wasn’t really smart, him being an android and all, but he didn’t have space in his processor to take that in consideration. He wanted to distract himself with his coin but he had left it in his jacket and since it was summer he opted not to wear it – to blend into society a little bit better. He had to deal with this on his own, without any crutch. Maybe he should just call him and get over this distracting fear. Why the notion of speaking to the detective was so scary to him he couldn’t begin to define. He clutched the corners of the sink with so much strength it was a miracle he didn’t tear it down. Ok, it’s going to be fine. It’s very irrational to feel like that. As if he didn’t already know that there was nothing rational about this denied affection of his. With this small reassurance, he dialled his number. Were he a human, he would probably hold his breath in quiet anticipation. But the tone wouldn’t stop it’s nerve-wrecking beeping and he was left with nothing, no reply. Connor was ready to turn into one small ball of thousand whirring emotions when the door opened and in came no other but his partner, the grumpy lieutenant Hank Anderson. He realized something was wrong with Connor but didn’t feel it necessary to voice it out loud. Now he had to.
“I thought androids didn’t need to use the shitter.” He mumbled and went towards him, closing the door in the process.
Connor’s reply was a look that screamed for help. Hank had seen him distraught like that a few times, always for a different reason, never anything he could really make right.
“Jesuschrist son, what happened.” It wasn’t a question he expected an answer for. He just knew he needed to show the most support he could and so he gently pulled him into a placating hug, hoping it would do something.
And it did. It filled Connor with resolve, the urge to see the object of his desires and that as soon as possible.
“Hank, I need to leave.” His voice was exuding the need, the want that had been poisoning his entire system these past couple of days.
“Ok son, just take care of yourself.” Connor did appreciate Hank’s fatherly worries – in small doses. He whispered a genuine “Thanks” and sprinted out of the room - out of the building in a resolute hurry.
×××
It was all he ever wanted. It was supposed to be perfect and life-changing and soul-shattering. Shatter him it did. But not in the way he thought. Kissing Connor had opened something old and mouldy in him, something he had long forgotten about. Something real. It had spread through him and killed everything that had been growing there. Leaving him exposed and barren. Only demons had an access to his mind now. And there were many, flocking in like vultures getting a wind of a juicy carcass to feast on. They cawed at him his flaws and insecurities, listing every single one without taking a break. And there were many, assaulting him from every direction imaginable. He was once more informed about how impossible it was to love him, how even his own parents had failed in doing so. How he was destined to be alone and bitter for the rest of his ridiculous life. That he couldn’t do anything right, that he was just a waste of space, that he had been supposed to die a long time ago. Every tear he cried deemed as a misused liquid, every breath an oxygen robbery. He couldn’t move, the dark thoughts ravaging his brain paralyzed him. He was just lying down, unmoving, only tiny sobs escaping his aching body. He let the tears out until they ran their course and then he would have some time to brace himself for another wave. Last time he spilled so many of them was when his dear feline friend Chuminsky passed away about five years ago. Thinking about that did nothing to ease his pain. When he didn’t cry he slept, shutting his brain down was the only preferable alternative to the suffering he was left to undergo. But there he was met with distorted images his demons served him fresh. The things he dreaded the most right before his eyes. Death and destruction, rejection and abandonment, heart break and self-loathing, all having free-range inside his dreams. It was a perpetual circle of anguish. He had tried to get up, forcing his body to move, to do something, anything, that would bring him out of this nightmare. But nothing was enough to drag him out of his bed. So he spent the two days there, not eating anything, not even going to the bathroom. It was as if his bodily functions ceased to exist and he had been made only to ache and sleep. And when Monday came, he was too weak to even consider getting up. He wanted to call the person that had caused it all, to talk to the one he had so terribly fallen in love with. A stupid machine that had become to him so much more than any human could. The only thing preventing him from ending it all. He wished to do it all over again, to tell him how much he meant to him, how much he wanted him – slowly and carefully. But it had been done in the worst way possible, without thinking, the craving for one another overshadowing every sense and reason. And he had left him. He wouldn’t be surprised if Connor despised him now even more than usually, if he didn’t want to hurt him as badly as he had probably hurt him. So when his phone vibrated with an incoming call from the one and only, he didn’t pick up. I am going to die in this bed. Soon hopefully. Nothing could convince him otherwise. Well, almost nothing. He forgot that Connor had keys to his apartment, from the one night they went out and he got too drunk to return home on his own and so the android had to lug him there and somehow he had given his spare key to him… To be honest he didn’t really remember much of that night and he was glad not to. It was too embarrassing to think about. They had hanged out several times, always finding some stupid excuse why to spend time together. He had always made an attempt to turn it into something antagonistic, rarely succeeding. Though it had concluded with a fight every time, he always secretly enjoyed those times.
“Gavin.” He hadn’t heard his name spoken like that since… never. So overflowing with worry and something else, something he wasn’t ready to accept yet.
One look at him and he was ready to leave the sweaty confines of his bed. But his body was too deprived and instead of running to him like he had intended, he just crumbled on the floor next to it. Before he could catch his breath, two pale, cold hands were holding him in place, preventing him from falling apart completely.
“It’s okay, it’s okay, I’m here.” The soothing voice only managed to invite in more tears. It was all he ever wanted yet he wasn’t able to let it in. He was trembling uncontrollably when Connor carefully pulled him up to sit on the bed. The hands moved to his face, chasing his pain away. His own were tugging at Connor’s shirt, thinking to push him away yet physically dragging him closer. It was all too much.
“Talk to me, Gavin.” He wanted to tell him everything. How he felt about him. How much he appreciated him being there. How he wished he would never leave him alone. He couldn’t.
“W-why…” He wanted to expand on his question but his voice was too hoarse to bother straining it more.
Connor’s reply came in a form of him gently pushing away the lose strands from his forehead and placing a soft kiss there, one that nearly stopped his heart. He leaned closer to him and whispered into his ear.
“I’ll stay with you, ok?” Gavin didn’t have the mental strength to say no and frankly he was something akin to happy to have him there.
Connor had scanned him earlier and there was no chance he’d leave him alone. His stress level got considerably lower when he held him and so he refused to stop. He’d go to hell and back with him if that’d help to put him back together. He pried Gavin’s hands from his shirt and wrapped his own around them. Gavin averted his gaze, his cheeks gaining colour. That was a good sign. He would be all right. He would make him.
They ended up lying against each other in the bed, Connor replacing the pillow he had been squeezing so desperately throughout his down time. Gavin had put his head on Connor’s chest, listening to the dimmed hum of machinery that was lulling him so sweetly. He had been soothed almost completely when Connor’s hand found its way into his hair and back, stroking him lovingly. He couldn’t imagine a place he’d rather be. Perfectly safe in the arms of the person he loved. He would have to tell him. However, not now.
“Better?” Connor blessed him with another kiss, this time to his messy hair. Gavin’s heartbeat quickened and he hardly hold himself back.
“Almost.” He readjusted his grip on the android and slid one of his legs in between Connor’s, plastering himself as close as physically possible.
“Perfect.” His heart was beating again and he knew he… they would be just fine. A wave of relief washed over him and he soon drifted back to sleep. A sleep where no demons would hurt him, because Connor had banished them all. He was hopeless. Depending on someone that much. Someone who maybe, possibly could feel the same way about him. How unthinkable. How utterly unthinkable.
He woke up to Connor untangling his body from him. He immediately felt too cold and too incomplete. Connor was going away. Leaving him alone, abandoning him. Everyone did eventually. Instead of saying something, screaming, pleading him not to, he just wept again.
“Gavin! What’s wrong?” Before he knew it, he felt Connor’s closeness again. “Shhh,” he soothed him in rocking motion, like an inconsolable child. “I had ordered some food for you. You need to eat something.”
Oh. Of course, Connor would never desert him. He wiped his tears, feeling a little bit ashamed about even thinking that he could be capable of such a thing. Connor was still holding him and he couldn’t be more glad. To think he had pointed a gun at him those months ago. And he didn’t even properly apologize yet. No better time than now.
“I’m sorry, Connor.” He buried his face into his shoulder, not being able to face him with the red all over his face.
“Hm?” He had to be aware what it meant. Connor was far too superior and brilliant not to.
“For… you know. Well, everything.” He knew that this wasn’t enough to erase all bad that had happened between the two of them, but it was a start.
“All is forgiven.” Connor took his head into his hands once more and pierced him straight through with his undeniably human-like eyes. His beautiful brown eyes. It was dark outside and the only light source was the blue emanating from Connor’s LED. The calming blue and the sensation on his face, the implicated next step made him all dizzy. Wonderfully so. Making their second kiss all he hoped it would be. Slow and deliberate. No one has ever kissed him with such care, he felt like crying all over again. But he didn’t, he smiled instead. And Connor had returned the smile right back to him. We’ll be just fine.
♥
“You’ll have to feed me, Con.” He said only half-jokingly. Just now he realized how much his body was starved, and not only for affection. “What did you order, anyway?”
“Well, let’s see. Pumpkin soup and beetroot salad?” Connor smiled at him impishly while listing all the food he absolutely hated.
“Very funny.” Gavin chuckled, stretching his arm in eager anticipation.
“Ok, ok. Here you go. It’s your favourite pineapple pizza. And chocolate milkshake in case you won’t have the strength to chew.” Obviously, Connor would know what he liked. He remembered mentioning it once, not putting any importance to it. But Connor did. And now he couldn’t stop smiling. He sighed, trying not to appear like the love-struck idiot he was. Failing miserably.
“Thanks.” Connor opened the crate and placed one slice to Gavin’s mouth. Oh, ok, this is happening. He chewed, enjoying the yumminess that came with it.
“You’re welcome. How is it?” Connor entranced him with his soulful gaze. He was honestly too good to be true. Someone nice enough to give him his time of the day. Maybe life. His whole world compressed into this perfectly crafted body.
“It’s delicious. I love you.” What did he just say? “…It… I mean I love it!” He dropped the slice in sheer panic, half wanting to turn back time and never say it, half wanting to repeat the phrase until the end of time. He hid his face – now the colour of his beloved beetroot – in his hands and hoped for the best.
“I love you too.”
And the best happened.
The one beautiful being he loved so much loved him back.
How utterly unthinkable.