Archive of Our Own

It was another sleepless night and Phil found himself in the nursery. Lately, he wandered into the incomplete room instead of going to the lounge. On more than one occasion, Dan’s found him asleep in the gliding armchair, feet propped up on the pouf, head lolled to the side. It was a shame for such a nice chair to go to waste, but they couldn’t find it in themselves to move it downstairs. It belonged in the baby’s room, even if there was no baby.

Maybe they had gotten ahead of themselves when they decorated the room all that time ago. But they were just so happy; there was no way of knowing how much pain would soon come. After much deliberation, Dan and Phil had agreed to go with an ocean theme for the nursery. They chose pale, sea blue walls with sandy tan carpeting for the floor that Martyn helped install. Cornelia found stencils and painted brightly colored coral, fish, whales, and sea creatures of all kinds on the walls.

Only the best, most stylish furniture was bought, which they struggled to assemble together. The wardrobe was stocked with onesies, booties, bibs, and burp cloths of all colors and designs. Dan steadfastly refused to stick to any gender or style of clothing. A sturdy changing table was prepared with diapers and wipes, a mobile with smiling ocean critters dangled above the crib. Undoubtedly, it was the nicest room in their quiet little house on the outskirts of London.

If only there was a baby to make their home a little less quiet.

They never blamed the first mother, Leann, for deciding not to go through with the adoption. Her precious baby boy was adorable, and after nine months of bonding with the unborn child she just couldn’t give him up. But it hurt. It hurt so much.

Phil still vividly remembered that day. There would be no baby for now, the agent said. But they could try again with another mother, or a closed adoption, maybe an older child; they could try the international wait lists, apply to be a foster family, or perhaps try another agency. There was still hope, still opportunities, the agent said. 

Was it so wrong of them to still want the newborn they were promised?

The silence of the house when they returned from the adoption office was too much. Dan made a bee-line for their bedroom, and Phil followed, but they were both brought to a halt in front of the nursery. It was the first room to the left on the second floor, right next to the master. They couldn’t ignore it with the lights on and door open, all prepared and inviting for a tiny new occupant that would never arrive.

Dan slammed the door shut so hard that a photo fell in the hallway. “It’s not fucking fair!”

*

It was several months before they tried again. And the door to the nursery stayed shut the entire time.

They didn’t know this mother as well as Leann, they didn’t even know her first name. The agent said she was young, a teenager in fact, and she wanted a private, closed adoption. This was supposed to work in their favor; statistically, she would be less likely to fall through. So once again, they got their hopes up.

Cautiously one day they opened the door to the nursery. Dan stood behind Phil, one hand clinging to his waist. To see the room, as happy and beautiful as they left it, as if it was trapped back in time, was a punch to the gut. There was even a fresh onesie still laid out on the changing table. The hand on Phil’s waist squeezed tighter as Dan choked back a sob. But they had to do this. They cracked the windows and aired out the space, the breeze bringing with it new life to Dan and Phil.

“We’ll have a baby this time,” Phil whispered. And they allowed themselves to truly believe it.

When the second mother went back on the adoption, they were less forgiving. She was still a kid, with a whole life ahead of her, and Dan and Phil were adults with settled lives. They wanted that baby. They deserved that baby. It seemed like the whole world was working against them to keep them from becoming the parents they desperately wanted to be.

They couldn’t bear to go through another failed adoption. The nursery was shut away again. Dan went through a particularly rough spell with his depression, and Phil felt a crushing meaninglessness surround him. They didn’t try again with a different mom, they didn’t go to a new agency, they didn’t look internationally. There wasn’t a point if their child could just be taken away from them.

*

Dan was the one to open that cursed door again. It had been over three years since they first applied with an agency, almost one year since the second failed adoption. Phil wasn’t sure why Dan went into the room in the first place, and maybe there was no real reason, but he found his husband sitting in the center of the floor.

“Love, what are you doing?” Phil asked, peering in from the entryway.

“Sitting here.”

“I see that,” he walked in and sat down next to Dan, “I thought we didn’t come in here.”

“Yeah, but that seems dumb. It’s a whole room of our house.”

“A room we don’t have a use for.”

Dan turned and looked at him straight on, a challenging look in his eyes. “Do you still want kids?”

It was the ultimate question they never dared to ask each other. Was he willing to go through everything again? Was he willing to go through the files, paperwork, lawyers, social workers, and mothers and babies; to lay his hope, heart, and home bare, when there was still a chance it would all be crushed?

Phil collapsed into Dan’s side, burying his head in Dan’s shoulder. “Yes, I do, so much.”

“Do you want to try adopting again?” Dan asked, his voice barely a whisper. He could hear how the fear was gripping at Dan’s lungs, stealing his breath.

“I just… I don’t know if I can make it through that. I can’t go through another lost adoption, it would truly kill me,” Phil sighed. Why did it have to be so hard for them?

Dan lightly shrugged Phil off his shoulder so they could see each other, and he brushed his fingers along Phil’s cheek and up through his quiff. “How about this; we keep the nursery door open from now on and we think about it. If it’s too much we’ll give away all this stuff and redo the room, or we’ll make an appointment with the social worker and see what our options are.”

“I like that idea.”

*

Eventually, they decided to try for one final time. Dan and Phil met with Kate, their new agent, and a social worker visited them, and they were approved once more for adoption. The plans were in motion now, but they held back from rushing to choose a new mother. In the meantime, their name was put on a list to be called if a newborn was found for them, but they were told that was unlikely. So that was how Phil found himself sitting in the nursery tonight, flipping through a thick file of mothers expecting a child they didn’t intend to keep.

Sometimes it was too much – all the sad memories suffocating him in a room meant for joy. But times like tonight, it filled him with peace. If they never got their baby, they would be okay. Life went on. But as they neared that dream again there was still hope for them. Still a final chance for it all to come true. Yet they were hesitant to believe in it.

The gentle rock of the glider was swaying Phil to sleep when he heard his phone vibrate on the side table. The call was from a number he didn’t recognize immediately, and it was the early hours of the morning. Fear rose up in his stomach as worst-case scenarios flashed through his head. Calls at this hour never meant anything good.

“Hello?”

“Hi, Phil, this is Kate from the London Private Adoption Centre,” a perky, female voice responded.

“Oh, Kate, hello,” he said, a bit confused.

“I’m so sorry for calling this early, I hope I didn’t wake you. But it’s a time-sensitive matter.”

“Um, it’s fine, what is it?”

“Well, I know you and Dan were taking your time to look over the applications, but you did place your name in our active waiting registry, and you’ve been matched with an infant for adoption.”

Phil swore he could feel his heart stop beating in that very moment.

“A healthy baby girl was unexpectedly placed up for adoption with our agency last night. She was born yesterday, doesn’t have a name yet, and the birth mother has expressed her desire that the child is placed with loving parents who haven’t gotten a baby yet. I’m with them now and I think she would be the perfect fit for you and Dan. If you’re interested-”

“Yes, yes, of course, we’re interested.” Phil didn’t let her finish the sentence; he didn’t even let himself think about what he was saying. Dan was still in the other room asleep; this was something they needed to agree to together. But instinct told him that he had to say yes, that this was right.

Kate laughed. “You can come to hospital in the morning, meet her, and speak with a social worker and myself. The child will be placed with a temporary family until you’re ready. And if you decide it’s not right, we can continue with the other plans just as well.”

“Can we take her home today?” The question didn’t sound real coming from his lips.

“You’ve already had a home visit and been approved, so yes, but it’s entirely okay if you need more time to make arrangements. Or you can wait to come to hospital until later in the afternoon if you only need a few hours, there are no visiting restrictions for-”

“Does now work?” He interrupted again, filled with a sudden sense of urgency. There was a baby that could be theirs waiting for them.

“Yes, you can take her home now, I think she would like that just fine,” Kate agreed happily. She finished giving him the information for the hospital, which Phil put in the notes on his phone, and then they hung up.

He sat in the armchair, frozen. The nursery was still dark, but the first rays of sunrise peeked in through the curtains, casting a shadow on the wall across from him. Phil stared at his shadow and tried to breathe, clutching his phone tightly. Only a few minutes ago he was enjoying the comfort of a possibility that was now rapidly becoming a reality: they were getting a baby.

“Oh my god,” Phil whispered before springing up into action. “DAN!” He rushed into their bedroom.

“Bloody hell Phil, is the house on fire?” Dan said groggily, turning over in bed. “It’s four in the morning.”

Phil kneeled by Dan’s side and clutched his arm to get his attention. “The adoption people just called.”

“What?” Dan’s scraggly morning voice caught in his throat and he looked over his shoulder at Phil with surprise.

“They found us a baby, Dan, a baby girl. Kate said she was perfect for us, she just got put up for adoption and she needs a family. They called us because we were on that list thing and we were a match. I said we would go see her and take her home, like, now.” His words were rushed, and Dan looked more confused than anything.

“A newborn?” Dan asked.

“Yes.”

“For us?”

“Yes.”

“Now?”

“Yes.”

“Holy shit.” Dan kicked the covers off and sat up on the edge of the bed. His eyes were wide and afraid. “Are we even ready for that? Can we just take home a baby out of nowhere?”

“This is all we’ve ever wanted. We have a whole nursery and everything we need all waiting there, and we did want to go on the list. This feels right, doesn’t it?” Phil desperately wanted him to agree, for it to be definite that they would adopt this baby.

“No one can take her from us?”

The same fear nagged at Phil too, born out of the devastation of two failed adoptions. But he shook his head. She was all theirs. 

“We’re going to have a baby.” A wide, unbelievably happy smile slowly spread across Dan’s face. It had been a long time since Phil had seen him smile like that, and he leaned in and kissed Dan, off-center and full of so much delight that they broke apart grinning like idiots.

“We need to get ready, I said we would be there soon,” Phil said and pulled Dan to stand up.

“Christ, Phil, why did you say that?! We don’t have everything together; the car seat isn’t even installed!”

“It’ll be fine. I’ll get a bag together in the nursery, you get our things and the carrier.” They left their bedroom to prepare, and Phil hurried into the adjacent room, but Dan ran past him and down the stairs. “Dan, where are you going?” He called out over the railing.

Dan stopped at the foot of the stairs, and looked around frantically, before turning and calling back, “I don’t know!”

“You’re still shirtless, get dressed!”

Frazzled, they rushed around getting ready. Phil found a diaper bag in the wardrobe and stuffed it with everything he could think their baby might need—nappies, a binkie, a soft onesie to change into, and a blanket. Kate said they would have formula and some other extras to send home with them as well. Dan shoved their electronic accessories in the bag, complaining about hospital wait times, and then threw jeans at Phil for him to change into. Dan took the bag and found the carrier sitting in a corner, shouting that he would take it all out to the car while Phil finished getting ready.

When Phil made it outside, carrying the keys Dan forgot, he saw his husband hanging out of the back seat, one leg kicked in the air behind him.

“Babe, come on, we need to go,” Phil said.

“I can’t get the damn car seat in place,” Dan grunted, as he jostled the plastic base around.

“Someone there can help us, I’m sure.”

Dan abandoned the task and turned to face Phil with a puff of breath; car seats were not easy. They stood there for a moment, and Dan shifted under the intense, dreamy gaze Phil was giving him.

“What?”

“Let’s go meet our baby,” Phil whispered excitedly and leaned in to kiss Dan’s cheek. He slipped the keys into Dan’s palm as he did, and then pulled away and walked to the other side of the car.

The first half of the drive was silent except for the occasional map directions speaking from Dan’s phone. Phil’s eyes were fixed on the road, but his brain was entirely somewhere else. That wasn’t unusual for him, but now he wasn’t sure if he was even on the same plane of existence as he was a mere hour ago. He ran through several mental checklists, trying to remember if they forgot anything, what they needed to get, and who they needed to call the moment they had a chance.

He forgot to pack a hat. Babies needed hats, right? They always seemed to come wearing one. It was only September, but what if her head was cold? There was also a long list of things to buy, and it lengthened by the minute. More clothes, more bottles, more nappies, more toys, more of everything. The list of people to call was easier. Dan’s mum first because she was the closest and could come by almost immediately if they needed. Then Phil’s mum right after, and texts to their respective siblings. Between just those four, they could get the word to all their other family members. Their manager and closest friends would be the last to contact, but he remembered to put Louise high on the list of friends because she would have lots of hand-me-downs that she would be glad to give them.

But the to-do lists were just an easy way to occupy his brain. There was a litany of “ we’re getting a baby ” repeating in the back of his head, but much louder was the worried “ we’re raising a baby .”

“Are we crazy? We can’t raise a baby,” Phil blurted.

Dan glanced over at him. He didn’t look any more confident, which his strained grip on the steering wheel suggested. “You’re going to be the most amazing parent, Phil. You’re so sweet and loving, and caring; she’s going to be so loved by you and safe with you.”

Phil looked away with a tiny smile and rose-tinted cheeks. After 16 years, Dan still made him blush so hard it hurt.

He reached out and rubbed Dan’s arm and quietly said, “You’re going to be incredible too.”

“We’ll be the best damn parents in this whole world.”

Phil giggled. He wasn’t too sure of that- there was still a matter of clumsiness that no number of parenting classes could help him overcome- but the confidence was in the right place.

As they turned into the hospital car park, Phil’s anxiety spiked.

“Oh shit, this is real,” Dan said, pulling into a spot.

“Yeah,” Phil breathed.

He didn’t move to leave the car once it was turned off, and neither did Dan. They were both desperately trying to get their nerves under control, or at least to a point where walking through the front doors didn’t feel like the most daunting task imaginable. This was the Before, on the other side of that threshold was the After.

“Are you ready?” Dan asked.

“God no.”

“Neither am I.”

They turned to look at each other at the same time; a shared life of moments like this coordinated their instincts. Scared-but-excited smiles pulled at both their lips.

“I’ll get the baby bag,” Phil said.

“And I’ll get the carrier,” Dan finished. “Let’s fucking do this.”

Adrenaline took over as they got their new baby’s belongings and entered the building. A lady at the big desk in the front lobby told them where to go, and up a lift they went. They wove through the corridors of the second floor to a nurses’ station between the maternity ward and the NICU. A man was there, and he tried to understand them as Dan and Phil failed miserably at explaining themselves before Kate found them.

She was a tall woman in her forties, with straightened brunette hair and matching dark eyes. Cranberry red lipstick matched her blouse, which was paired with a black blazer, dress pants, and pointy heels.

Kate greeted them warmly, almost as excited as they were. She guided them to the side of the nurse's station where there were chairs for them to sit. A different woman took their information and asked them questions, beginning the long chain of paperwork in the final stretch of the adoption process. At last, she printed off chipped ID bracelets that corresponded to their baby’s bracelet so they could all leave together.

Baby Lester-Howell .

Dan and Phil both gasped quietly, as the anxiety suddenly overpowered the adrenaline, and they were hurtled back into reality.

“Have you thought of a name yet?” Kate asked.

Phil knew they forgot something more than a baby hat. They forgot to discuss names.

“Umm…” Dan blanked.

Both Kate and the woman taking their information laughed.

“That’s okay,” Kate said, “you haven’t even seen her yet, I think that might help you come up with a name. Are you ready to meet your baby?”

“Yes,” they both said eagerly.

Kate motioned for them to go, and they scrambled to pick up the bag and carrier that Kate had already assured them was great.

They were led down another corridor and the agent explained some more to them, bouncing along the hall.

“We’ve moved her to a private room for you; a nurse is there now. The birth mother declined to meet you both, which as I said on the phone to Phil, was to be expected. Baby should be sleeping now and depending on how quick the paperwork is processed, you should be able to leave within the hour while she’s still sleeping. Or at least, that’s the goal. If not, I’m sure a nurse would be glad to help you feed her. Speaking of, we have a little goody bag for you boys to take with you.”

She slowed down in front of door 2817. Dan and Phil were holding hands, and their grasp on each other tightened. Phil’s breaths were quick, and he could already feel himself start to shake, and he wasn’t sure if that was from excitement or fear or both. But he had Dan’s touch grounding him, reminding him that they could do this.

A fundamental change in the fabric of their lives was about to happen. And they were more ready for it than they ever knew.

She opened the door into a small, dimly lit, pink room. There were some chairs, a counter and cupboard, and a glass bassinet. A young nurse stood over the bassinet and gestured for them to enter.

At 5:42 in the morning on the 19 th of September 2025, Dan and Phil saw their newborn baby girl and fell in love.

So overwhelmingly, unbelievably, and truly in love.

Nothing else mattered anymore, only this tiny, precious human they were forever devoted to. They never wanted to look away from her.

“Would you like to hold your daughter?” The nurse asked the couple.

They nodded their heads eagerly and Dan stepped forward. Phil was okay with that; his hands were still shaking and he didn’t want to mess up holding the fragile newborn in front of Kate and the nurse.

Carefully, the woman picked up the child and transferred her into Dan’s arms with practiced ease, and Phil heard him gasp quietly with awe. Seeing his husband hold their daughter- it took the breath right out of him. He never knew it was possible to be this in love. There was Dan, with his messy, curly hair, and a wrinkly jumper fished out of the laundry basket, and their baby, swaddled tightly in a pink-and-green-striped white blanket. Phil wrapped his arm around Dan’s waist, and they stared in wonder at their sleeping little bundle.

She was so small, smaller than a loaf of bread, nestled safely in Dan’s cradled arms. Her face was flushed pink, and tiny crescent eyelids were shut peacefully. Her little button nose was adorable, and her wrinkled lips were open so slightly in a sleepy pout. A pink hat was pulled over her head to the tips of her ears (he was relieved she already had a hat), but he could see dark curly hair escaping from under it. He hoped so much that her hair would stay like that, like Dan’s.

“We’ll give you two a moment,” Kate said before she and the nurse quietly left the room.

It was just the three of them now. Dan, Phil, and baby Lester-Howell. The new family of three. Nothing could compare to the surge of emotions Phil felt. Not their tours, coming out, or even their wedding day. It was the two of them, stood in a strange hospital room very early in the morning, both scared shitless, holding their daughter, that was the best moment of his life.

“She’s perfect,” Dan gasped. His voice was shaky, and Phil saw welled up tears clinging to his eyelashes.

He brushed them away for Dan, and said, “And she’s ours,” in complete disbelief.

With the hand not holding the infant, Dan gingerly stroked her arm that was tucked away in the blanket and started to speak to her.

“Hi baby,” his voice cracked, “we’re your dads.”

Phil leaned his head on Dan’s shoulder. “I’m sorry we don’t have a name for you yet.”

“Yeah, I promise we’ll think of something as perfect and beautiful as you are.”

“I think Phillipa is a great name,” Phil joked.

Dan laughed softly. “Don’t worry, I won’t let him name you that.” He paused and sniffed, and Phil could tell he was also fighting off the urge to cry. “And I promise that you are so loved. From the very moment we saw you, we loved you, and will never stop loving you.”

His heart melted with Dan’s incredibly sweet words. Phil took Dan’s face in his hand and turned it so they could kiss, tears falling down their cheeks and into the cracks of chapped lips. He tried to communicate the indescribable feeling of love he felt for his husband in the firm, passionate press of his lips and a tight hug.

They both broke away to look back down at their baby – nothing could stop the intense need to stare at her for every possible moment. There was a faint knock at the door shortly later, and Dan quickly wiped his tears away as Kate and the nurse walked back in.

“The paperwork is done. Once you’re ready, you can dress her and take her home,” Kate said, gesturing to the bag and carrier that they set aside.

“Did you hear that baby? You get to go home ,” Phil told her, his voice light and happy.

Dan set their child back down in her bassinet while Phil dug into the baby bag for an outfit. He held up the footie pajamas once he found them, which were purple with white polka dots.

“Are you okay to try dressing her yourself? I can help if you need.” The nurse suggested.

“I think I’ve got it,” Phil said. It had been a while since they had taken the parenting class, but he was determined to get this right. With Kate, the nurse, and Dan watching he really didn’t want to mess it up.

Slowly, he unfolded the blanket that she was swaddled in. Underneath she was only wearing a thin, short-sleeved onesie, which definitely wouldn’t be warm enough to take her home in.

“Look at those tiny little baby toes!” Dan squealed in a high-pitched voice. He reached out and ran his finger along the bottom of her foot, and her toes instinctively curled inwards.

“That’s one of her infant reflexes,” Kate pointed out, “she’ll do the same thing if you put your finger in her hand.”

Dan did what she said and, sure enough, the baby’s hand grasped around his pinkie. Then Dan leaned over and pressed a kiss to the back of her hand, and Phil wasn’t sure how he was going to survive if every moment like this made his heart beat three times faster.

Once his husband stepped aside, Phil continued to change her into her outfit to leave. The nurse helped show him the best way to support her head and how to guide her hands and feet through the holes. She was so delicate, her skin so soft; Phil was afraid he was going to hurt her with his awkward clumsiness. But Dan looked on from behind him and pressed an affirming kiss on his shoulder when he successfully zipped up the pajamas. 

“So precious. Just pop her into the carrier and we can be on our way,” Kate said. “I’ll help and follow you down to your car, make sure you have everything you need, and you’ll be free to go home with her.” 

“Um about the car seat-” Dan started.

“I think we need a little bit of help trying to get that secure,” Phil finished for him, remembering Dan’s fight with the cumbersome plastic base and seat belt. 

Kate laughed lightly. “That won’t be a problem, they’re a bit difficult to figure out the first time around. Let me know if you have the same problem with the pram.” 

Kate and the nurse waited for them to move her into the carrier, and Phil stalled. He still hadn’t picked up their baby yet, but everything felt like a test with the two women watching over them. Could they figure out the most basic of parenting tasks without screwing up and looking like failures who didn’t know how to take care of their child? He knew it was all in his head, and they were there to help, but Kate had two sons and the nurse was an actual baby professional. They knew what inadequacy looked like, and had the power to determine that they were indeed inadequate. 

Phil looked over at Dan, who heard his telepathic call for help, and took charge. His husband didn’t look any less nervous, but he was the more practiced of the two at holding babies. Phil made himself look helpful by pushing back the arm of the carrier and gathering their bags, while Dan slowly moved her from her bed without waking her. 

“Thank you,” Phil whispered so only Dan could hear. 

They left the room and the nurse waved goodbye and headed elsewhere. He wished he remembered her name, she was so kind and helpful, but his mind was a bit preoccupied with baby names. Kate began explaining their next steps to them again, making sure they were prepared for the rest of the process. 

“Today begins the 10-week intermediate period. There will be a social worker to visit you in the next few days to check up on how things are going. You’ll also need to be in contact with your lawyer, who can also explain to you what to do once you’ve picked a name. And once those ten weeks are up, you can apply for the adoption court order.”

She continued on, but Phil wasn’t paying attention. Too much needed to be done, and all he wanted to do was stare at their sleeping bundle of joy. She was undisturbed by the busy corridors and jerky movements of the lift, peaceful as she swayed back and forth with Dan’s stride. Kate helped fix their car seat and showed them how to latch the carrier into their base, and gave them a bag of baby things to help get them started. It felt as if she had told them a million times now that if they needed anything or had any questions to give her a ring, but finally they were leaving. 

Phil was sitting in the back seat next to the baby, and he occasionally saw Dan glance at them through the rearview mirror. 

“This is unreal,” Dan said, “I can’t believe this.”

“Neither can I,” Phil sighed, his eyes not leaving their daughter. 

“We have a baby .”

Phil stroked her soft pink cheek. “And she’s perfect.” 

“We’re parents to a perfect little baby girl.” 

Phil’s eyes widened as the weight of it sunk in. They were parents now. He really wished he had gotten sleep last night, he had no idea when he would get to sleep again. “I literally can’t stop staring at her.”

“I can’t stop staring at you.”

Phil smiled and looked up at Dan through the mirror. “Keep your eyes on the road, you spoon, we’ve got precious cargo.”

Phil’s teasing didn’t phase Dan’s sappiness. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too.”

They weren’t too far from their street when Phil noticed the baby start to wake, and suddenly he was met with two tired blue eyes. 

“She opened her eyes!” Phil gasped, “Oh, Dan, they’re so pretty and blue.”

“What? She’s awake?” Dan glanced over his shoulder, but he had to keep driving. 

Her eyes shut again and she flailed her arms, her delicate features scrunching up.

“Oh no she’s not happy.” 

A piercing cry filled the car, and their new parent bliss was now new parent panic. 

“It’s okay baby. Shh, shhh. Everything must be so new and scary, yeah, I know. But I’m your dad, and your daddy is driving us home. It’s okay, shhhh.” Phil tried to comfort her. “ Dannn , it’s not working.” He said to his husband, stressed and worried. 

“Shit, I’m turning the corner we’re almost there.”

“Dan! Tiny baby ears!” He scolded.

“Fuck- no- crap, I’m sorry.” 

Their baby was still crying, and Phil was doing everything he could think of to quiet her while they were still in the car. Dan made suggestions from the driver's seat as he sped up faster and faster. He remembered what Kate said about her grasping reflex, and Phil tried to hold her hand, but she would not quiet. 

The minute the car stopped in front of their house, Phil unbuckled her and picked her up. All he wanted was to hold her close and comfort her, completely forgetting about all the anxiety he had earlier when they were with Kate and the nurse. 

Her tears wet his shirt as he held her against his chest and bounced a little in his seat. Dan leaned around from the front, arching awkwardly as he helped push the binkie that he fished from the baby bag into her mouth. Together they had stopped her crying, and although she was still fussy, she was quiet. 

“If you get the door, I’ll just carry her inside. Oh, and get the carrier and the bags too,” Phil instructed Dan. He didn’t know where his sudden confidence came from, but he wanted to keep her quiet until they could make a bottle. 

Dan helped him out of the car and carried their things to the front door, gracelessly dropping it all once they got inside, turning his attention Phil and the baby. “Do you got her? Is she okay?”

“I think so, yeah.” He looked down at their daughter, who was clinging like a koala to his chest. “This is your new home,” Phil whispered to her, turning so she could look around. 

“Oh, Phil, her eyes look so much like yours.” 

“And did you see she has curly brown hair like you.”

It was only a coincidence, but they smiled widely at each other. They would spend a lifetime pointing out every way that she reminded them of each other. Maybe they weren’t biological resemblances, but she was still their daughter in every way. 

The baby rubbed her head against Phil’s chest, losing her pacifier, and fussed. The brief moment of tender calm gone, they went back to work. Dan made a bottle, checking and rechecking the instructions on the side of the formula can. Phil walked around their lounge, bouncing the baby, and stopped at anything that seemed to catch her attention. 

Dan handed Phil the bottle when it was done. “Do you want to go upstairs to her room and feed her? I’ll start some coffee and call my mum.” He pressed a kiss on the baby’s head, and then another to Phil’s cheek. 

*

There was something entirely different about being in the nursery now. The morning sun was high in the sky, and his shadow stretched across the floor. Only a few hours ago he was sitting in the same glider in the same room, but the shape of his shadow was childless. 

Now he had a little baby in his arms, happily sucking at her bottle. It took a few tries, but eventually, he was able to get her to latch on and start eating. Phil couldn’t begin to describe the overcoming emotions he felt. He was proud of himself for getting her to calm down and eat, and even picking her up and holding her felt like a victory. Some kind of fatherhood instincts Phil never knew he had kicked in and taken over his insecurities. He was also unbelievably tired, and he gratefully listened to the sound of Dan making coffee downstairs. And Phil was happy. More than happy. His heart felt full of life and joy and promise. Everything was finally right as Phil looked down at his daughter, who he loved so much he didn’t even know how it was possible. 

Phil must have zoned out while staring at her, and looked up in surprise when he saw Dan leaning against the door frame. He had two mugs of coffee in his hands and was watching Phil and the baby with the most adoring gaze. 

Despite the love practically pouring out of Dan’s eyes, Phil felt insecure again. 

“How am I doing? Does this look okay?” He asked Dan, unsure of how well he was holding and feeding her. 

“Aw, Phil,” Dan cooed. He set their coffee down and pulled the footrest up to sit beside him. “It’s just right. She’s happy and eating, and you did that all by yourself.” 

“But you have so much more confidence with this stuff than me. I don’t wanna mess it up, and there’s so much to do. We don’t even have a name.” He sighed, worry tugging at his brow. 

Dan squeezed Phil’s arm comfortingly. “I don’t wanna mess her up either. I’m so so scared. But I know we’ll figure it out together, right?” 

He nodded, so grateful for Dan. They were great partners- in comedy, business, and life- and now they would be great partners at parenting. He knew that to be a fact. 

“And actually, I think I have a name,” Dan said. 

“You do?”

He whispered the name in Phil’s ear, and as they looked down at their newborn baby girl together, they knew the name fit. 

“It’s perfect.” 

*

A lot had gone into their nursery. 

There was paint, carpeting, and furniture. But there was also tears, joy, disappointment, anger, love, and four long years of waiting. 

The name Clara was stenciled in on the wall above the crib where Dan and Phil’s daughter now slept. 

The room, and their family, was finally complete.